Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The 2008 Blood Bowl Playoffs


Here you go, sportsfiends, the brackets for this year's Blood Bowl tournament! We've got some interesting stories brewing in the quarter finals here.

A: Bloodsand Blasters vs. Smash and Go'nads: This one could get messy! The dwarves are tough customers who can hold their own, but the mummies on the Blasters' squad will be looking to cause all kinds of havoc!

B: Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters vs. Traumatic Takedown: A rematch decided by fate, the Dirt Bursters are clear favourites. There's always a chance for a spoiler, though, and revenge, for the chaos dwarf squad, may be best-served as cold as the grave.

C: Blackwater Bilgerunners vs. Brutakai Ragefangs: This could be one of the most exciting match-ups to date, as the speedy skaven have hired on some muscle in the form of their new rat ogre, while the Ragefangs have really come into their own this season, displaying both skill and strength.

D: Meathooks vs. Blueriver Wardoves: Yet another immediate rematch, these two teams battled to an exciting three-all tie last week, and each has had a chance to test their strengths and identify their weaknesses in this latest chapter of the great struggle between elf and orc!

Pick your favourites! Taunt the enemy! Break out the team colours and shout your anthem proudly! The "A" and "C" games are set to kick off this weekend, and we'll be on hand to cover every thrilling touchdown, each bone-crushing tackle, and all the fun of the MMBBL's first Blood Bowl Summer tournament!

Chompsalot Romps (a Lot!) in Victory

Thanks go out to you, Coach Wrangler, for another entertaining installment of the Gameday Journal!

The final challenge match of the blood Bowl regular season took place last night, with the upstart Traumatic Takedown looking to crack the tough nut that is the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, no doubt looking to capitalize on the recent departure of the league's top player, Ol' Teabagger. The Dirt Bursters, for their part, needed to prove that they weren't simply a support crew for the Man.

Under a pleasant evening sky, in a stadium predominantly occupied by apprehensive undead fans, the Traumatic Takedown kicked off to start the Dirt Bursters' first offensive drive. Notably present on the pitch for the Takedown were both the hulking form of the impressive Morg N'Thorg, brought in to offset the threat of undead mummies, and Zzharg Madeye, well-known (but rarely penalized) for his impressive ball-chucking blunderbuss. With their help and a little luck, the chaos dwarf squad hoped to pull off a stunning upset to end the regular season.

Not long after the kick had landed, the Dirt Bursters began their assault, quite literally. The favourite son of Dusk Hill brought the crowd to its feet and/or stumps early on when he hurled himself madly onto centaur Charlie Horse, causing enough damage to the four-legged player to leave him crippled for the remainder of the game. Meanwhile, Ned Gummers grabbed the ball from where it lay and began his drive to the end zone. He might have chosen a better trajectory though, for not long after he gained possession he was knocked flat by Morg N'Thorg, and would not wake up until some time later. Right up behind the fallen Gummers was fellow ghoul Chompsalot, and the nimble nibbler soon had retrieved what his teammate had lost. Helping to clear the path was yet a third ghoul, the up-and-coming Bahnaynay, who shoved dwarf lineman Buster Kneecaps into the stands where he was, unfortunately, maimed to a reasonably great degree. Kneecaps is expected to miss the first game of the playoffs due to the injury. In what proved to be a compelling argument in support of firearms, Zzharg Madeye proved to be the last line of defense for the Takedown. To his credit, he smacked Chompsalot hard enough to dislodge the ball and a few teeth, but the wily ghoul got back up immediately and was into the end zone before the furious dwarf could react.

With their numbers dwindling already due to injury and ejections, the Traumatic Takedown needed to make good on every opportunity if they were to stand a chance. After a high kick fell into the arms of Perry Carditis, the hobgoblins showed their inexperience as Ortho Pnoea dropped an easy catch from his teammate. To make matters worse, Magut the mummy was back on the rampage after an uncharacteristically friendly season, slamming into Splenic Pain of the Takedown. Pain was recovered from the pitch and pronounced dead, but the apothecaries took him out back in a series of buckets, then returned to pronounce him "not dead." Still, mortal tissue being what it is, we don't expect to see what remains of this dwarf for a while. Amidst the chaos, Chompsalot the ghoul had once again found his way to the ball after the Takedown's miscue, and with uncanny ease he shuffled off to the end zone for yet another touchdown.

The players lined up for a final play to close out the first half, but despite the Dirt Bursters' eagerness to score again on the blitz, time expired prior to any potential playmaking. At the half, the score was two to nothing for the Dusk Hill denizens.

We aren't sure how they swung it, but when the second half started, there was Zzharg Madeye once more, blunderbuss slung over his shoulder. Booed incessantly by the crowd, Madeye calmly received the kickoff from the Dirt Bursters, and shot the football to Ortho Pnoea before watching the dwarf line collapse under pressure from the mummies and wights of the Dirt Bursters. A seemingly foolproof plan was forming in the minds of the Takedown, however, as Pnoea then handed off to Morg N'Thorg. It would take much more than a random zombie or ghoul to knock that guy over.

Unfortunately for the Traumatic Takedown, the Dirt Bursters did just that. Getting behind the effort of Khermit the mummy, multiple Dirt Bursters players assisted as the towering ogre was toppled to the earth. In the confusion, the Takedown did exact some small amount of revenge, as Perry Carditis sneaked a vicious kick to the fallen Magut, who was not seriously harmed. What followed next was a truly bizarre occurrence. Newcomer ghoul Bubtunk Bagrot was leveled by dwarf lineman Third Degree Bernie...who has been dead for nearly the entire season. Closer inspection of the play revealed that a fanatical spectator, enraged that someone had taken Ol' Teabagger's roster spot, stormed onto the field to remove the supposed usurper. Bagrot would miss the rest of the game, and the fanatic was ejected from the match courtesy of this week's major sponsor, Murving's Used Catapults. As play continued, Khermit the mummy continued to haunt Morg N'Thorg with the assistance of several smaller undead. Chompsalot was nearly in the clear, with only the frantic Zzharg Madeye with a chance to stop him. The effort was there, but the results were unremarkable, and Chompsalot managed his third - yes, third - touchdown of the day. Hats rained down from the stands, among them caps, helms, feathered monstrosities and the occasional groaning head. As the stadium grounds crew cleaned up, the scoreboard read 3-0 for the Dirt Bursters.

With barely any time left for another play, the Dirt Bursters pulled their ghouls back into a safer position, but the move proved less than important as the remaining defenders on the line opted to blitz. the kickoff was bad, and resulted in a touchback, and the ball went to Perry Carditis of the Takedown. Carditis completed a pass to Ortho Pnoea, but the latter was quickly run down and stripped of the ball by Chompsalot, who tossed it to Ned Gummers for safe keeping. With nothing left to do but wait, Lanks McBreak gave the undead fans one more thing to cheer about, as he throttled Busitis Olecranon bad enough to warrant some time off at the start of the playoffs. The whistle blew, and the game ended, a decisive victory for the mighty Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters.

Match MVP awards went to Eric Shun of the Dirt Bursters in what was assumed to be a typo, and to Plex Fracture of the Traumatic Takedown, who was not particularly deserving either. More impressive accolades went to Magut the mummy for his unstoppable urge to throw a hit at anything that so much as looked at him and a few things which didn't see him coming at all.

That's it, folks. The regular season is over and done and the brackets are set for the Blood Bowl tournament playoffs! The brackets will be up for viewing shortly, and the first quarterfinals matches will be taking place this Sunday. See you then!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A Double Dose of Doves! An Awful lot of Orcs!

It's your favorite Coach Wrangler here, taking a break from herding those havoc heralding homeboys who haphazardly head our favorite teams.

Once again, I'm scribing the following matches somewhat live from the best seats, whilst a P.A.G.E. scribes down what I say. That's a Pen Arcanely Granted Expatiation, the latest magical convenience I've acquired recently.

As I look around, I see the 21,000 fans piling into their seats below me. Only one third of these seem to be here to see the Brutakai Ragefangs, whilst the rest have arrived in their silvers, whites and blues to cheer on the Wardoves! The High Elves from Blueriver will have the fan support tonight, that's for sure!

The coin toss is made, and the Doves are up to kick first. A gust of wind blows the ball through the clear blue sky and lands right in the grass next to Krak Toothsnapper, a thrower. What luck for the Ragefangs! They're forming the cage right away around the ball, an always-smart maneuver for a tough band of Greenskins. The Doves have always had trouble with this one, but their Coach seems to have thought up a counter-strategy. Yes, he's setting the team up like a wall in front of the cage, with not even a lineman within arm's reach of the Orcs' frontmen. This is gonna be a slow one!

They march towards the Elven line, and I see Xarnak Bloodrage has burst through! The Doves' wall hangs back a bit and I see the Elves going to deal with the Ragefang Blitzer. Around the sides of the cage formation I see some Elves slipping around. Oooh! Star Catcher Tsih Killwillow just took a mean stomping from equally famed blitzer Raziek Bloodrage. Picking up the trash is elf blitzer Albiir Featherdeath, who slips into the back of the cage after knocking Line orc Holo Axegut out cold! He's face to face with ball-carrier Krak Toothsnapper.

Tsih is up again, and I see him scramble back around to fill in a gap left in the Wardoves' wall formation. By the gods! I can't explain it in any other way but...the cage formation just erupted into a green tornado! Violence aplenty, and most important to the orcs, that ruthless blitzer Featherdeath is well out of Krak's face now. Xarnak Bloodrage and rightly-named Brax Elfeater sandwich the hapless elven lineman Pynian Grassripper, and the Bloodrage Blitzer slips away and is mere feet from the Wardove end zone! The elven wall is crumbling, folks...

The Wardoves have thrown caution to the wind now, and a brawl has erupted deep in their side of the pitch. The Elves are focusing their blocking on Krak, who stubbornly refuses to give up the ball but...wait! The ball is loose! Krak has been knocked over and the ball is free! It's landed just outside of the fracas. Featherdeath got him back in the end, it seems. What was that wet crack I just heard? Ouch! It seems that Kragor Clawfang has put his 3-MVP winning fists to good work and sends elf catcher Angruil Grimmrose out. We'll have to see if the Apothecaries can get him back in shape.

The Ragefangs are showing the Doves just who is better in the blocking game here, and an impressive chain of blocks have shoved the elven defense out of the brawl. Orc lineman Rigor Stonestomper is in possession of the ball now. Ooof! Xarnak just took a spill, and there's line elf Stryth Leafmauler putting his cleats on his face! The ref didn't notice it seems. Ha! Them's the breaks Mr.Bloodrage! Krak is handed the ball again, and is suddenly beset by elves from all sides! Elf blitzer Fhorin Bloodmeadow comes out of nowhere and gives an impressive toss to Albiir Featherdeath who dekes out the last orc in his way before crossing the Ragefang end zone! That elf can sure run! Wow! 1-0 Wardoves!

I've just heard back from the Wardoves' infirmary that Angruil Grimmrose is back up and running for the next drive. And here it comes... though, to be honest there's not much time left on the clock for the first half.

Wardoves kick, and a quick snap from the Ragefangs allows line orc Ruushnak Nightwrath the chance to catch the kick and toss it to blitzer Raziek Bloodrage. A few blocks get thrown, even by the heartthrob Tsih Killwillow, who K.O.'s Xarnak Bloodrage. The Wardoves back-flip away from the orc line and as a lead in to some kind of halftime show, begin an impressive dance as the ref blows the whistle. You got served, Clan Brutakai!

Taunting an orc, however, is never wise. Especially with dance. It seems from now on this friendly rivalry will become a lot less civil. I'd watch my back if I was a high elf from Blueriver.

The orcs set up to kick for the first drive of the second half. This time the elves are on the ball with a quick snap. Potential Silver Elbow-winner Bendark Mossfang puts his foot on the ball while watching the rest of the team play their beginning tactics. Tsih smashes past the wide zone orcish line with an assist, stunning black orc Kozu Ironhide and slipping into the orcish defense. His efforts are met with a stunning blow from the orc gauntlet, a new defensive play by the Ragefangs. Raziek Bloodrage wipes the glitter off his hands and the orc captain calls his greenskins to keep the line steady.

Elves slip past the orc line from all sides, while elf thrower Mossfang kicks the ball nonchalantly into his hands and stays deep in his own side of the pitch. We know those keen eyes are just waiting for an open catcher. Orcs are surrounding the elven offense now, though I see Angruil signaling for a pass. Mossfang makes his throw! Or... wait! No! He's dropped it! Bendark's dropped the ball at his own feet! Black orc Kozu Ironhide plows into the elven thrower and I think he's unconscious. Xarnak Bloodrage, orc blitzer, nails Albiir Featherdeath to the ground and judging from the blood I think he's out for the game, folks. Raziek Bloodrage races in to scoop up the ball. The elven offense scrambles back to try to salvage the situation. Are those pointy-eared treehuggers fast or what?! Raziek is down, and the ball is free again. Mossfang is up and he picks up the ball with a steely look of determination on his fine features. He runs a circle around the orcish offensive line and... He doesn't pass it but hands it off to line elf Mlalyn Firefawn, who runs even farther up the field. He makes the pass to Fhorin Bloodmeadow! Touchdown! It's 2-0 for the Wardoves, and not too much time left for the Brutakai Ragefangs to turn this one around.

The Blueriver Wardoves set up for the next drive. They kick it high, and yet another quick snap by the Ragefangs starts off a fierce offensive drive. Xarnak K.O.'s new line elf Finchtalon and the orcs follow the powerful blitzer through the thin elven line. The Doves fall back again, in their third backpedal maneuver, to tie up the Bloodrage Blitzer Brothers. Krak Toothsnapper has the ball, and the orc thrower lobs a big one into the hands of Xarnak Bloodrage. Raziek takes a spill trying to get away from those pesky elves and he knocks his head too hard on the ground I think. He's out cold! The Doves' defense flock in and now Xarnak has been knocked flat. The ball is free, and now it's been picked up by Prok Fleshdrinker. He makes a pass to Kragor Clawfang who seems home-free for the touchdown, but...ohh! That was the whistle! Time's up for this game. Kragor crosses the line anyways, just to show how close he was. Maybe next time Kragor. The Wardoves keep their 2-0 victory against the Ragefangs.

MVPs for this match are being announced now... Stryth Leafmauler for the Blueriver Wardoves for his expertise at the art of Blocking, and Rigor Stonestomper for doing what he could when it mattered. Also of note is the increasingly accurate passes of Ragefangs thrower Krak Toothsnapper and of Fhorin Bloodmeadow with a signature dodge-ending dropkick sure to get him out of the shadow of the speedy Albiir Featherdeath.

I'll be turning off the P.A.G.E. now until the next match I'm scheduled to report. I'm even going to travel with the Wardoves to the next stadium. Should be quite a time!

... It's me again! Activating my trusty magical scribe. Now, to be honest... I didn't really enjoy my trip with the Wardoves. I won't get into details but it involved some strange-tasting wines, horses that smelled a bit TOO nice, and a make-over... for me.

For this next match, the Wardoves are going up against the acclaimed Meathooks in yet another challenge match. The game is taking place in a very impromptu stadium, as the main grounds detonated recently due to structural issues...I don't see how bad architecture can cause explosions, but there you have it. The game is taking place in the surrounding farmlands, and the fresh white paint of the lines is giving off that 'new pitch smell' that I'm sure will be quickly replaced with that 'new horrible sucking chest wound smell'.

Ye gods are there ever a lot of fans. I think the official gate is 35,000. Is that a record? It might be. I can't really tell, but the supportive cheers seems to lean slightly in the Meathooks favour. We'll see if it helps at all.

Still, I can barely see the field, and I'm still trying to find a good spot to watch and...oh! They've begun! I see the ball in the air after the opening kick. I can't even tell who kicked it. Um...this gentleman here says the Wardoves just kicked it. O.K....I'll take his word for it.

I caught a glimpse of the opening play, the orcs have cleared open the elven line and that lumbering troll and the goblin Hammish have moved up. Prince Moranian does an impressive attack and sends the monster to the ground. Hang on...Moranian is here?! It appears so... Goodness. I can barely see anything at all. Oh wait! I see Hammish flying through the air above the horizon of fans I have to contend with. He has the ball! Now everyone is cheering...um...I guess there was a Touchdown! Erm...1-0 Meathooks! Good show!

It's the next kick, I just saw it go up. Oh, hello ladies...I think I just landed in a Killwillow fan club of sorts. Quite the friendly bunch of maidens and...Why are they screaming? Oh my! It seems that Meathooks black orc T-Boner just killed line elf Mlalyn Firefawn! No...No wait...Their apothecary just put his head back on right...He still looks terrible though. Augh! More screams! Bendark Mossfang has just been killed by Ramrod Meatmissile of the Meathooks! No, wait. Apothecary on the scene again. Crisis averted. Ok, what's going on now? I just saw the ball being thrown by...who? By Albiir Featherdeath, the blitzer? Thank you miss, it seems elf catcher Angruil Grimmrose has caught it and crosses into the Meathooks endzone! The score is tied at 1-1.

My ears are killing me... Too many screaming women... It's like I'm back home. Ok, I see the next kickoff has begun. I'm watching this from the Meathook's dugout. I don't know how I got here, but it's a decent view. Biggs McStabstab throws the ball to goblin Bacon Sandwich. That troll tosses the poor whelp into the air and he crash lands! Oooh! What's this? Finchtalon, the newcomer, is making a dramatic elbow drop on the downed goblin! Oooh! Look at the blood! The ref saw that one, no doubt. They're bringing the broken greenskin midget in here. I'd better hide...

The apothecary is putting him back together, seems his head flew off. Duct tape will fix anything, for certain. The good doctor is going to tell the coach the good news. Ah, seems he was so happy the goblin survived that the coach is coming in here personally to... Oh! Gods no! He's stabbing him! The Meathooks coach is stabbing the poor Bacon Sandwich to death! He's standing over the cooling corpse and proclaims to the poor thing that he's fired. What a cold, unfeeling gree- Uh oh. He saw me. Yipes!

...

... Ok, I seem to be safe now. The half ended while I was running away. Seems the score is still tied at 1-1 at the beginning of the second half. I still can't see over the hordes of fans. I'm sure it's the orcs kicking, there goes the ball. I hear something, Bendark Mossfang, the elf thrower must have picked it up and I see the throw! Touchdown! By who? Oh! It was rising star player Tsih Killwillow! I can tell because I hear those maidens signing his theme song "Ode to Tsih, please sleep with me"... Not a very subtle theme is it? 2-1 Wardoves at any rate.

There goes the elves kicking the ball to the Meathooks. My word! Someone just tossed a rock into the fray! I think I saw Valandil Dreadlily take it in the head! He's down for the moment and Biggs McStabstab tosses the ball to Hammish the goblin. I see where this is going... No wait, no I don't. I wish these blasted fans could stop pushing me around! Meathooks fans are a little too handsy for me. I see Hammish in the air again with the ball! That troll must be well fed today! Ooh! I heard the crack! I don't think the poor thing landed right. The ref's blown his whistle! It seems Valandil was copying Finchtalon and elbow-dropped the fallen goblin a bit too obviously. Still, the game continues... I hear something... Yes! Meathooks touchdown! Hammish got back up and pulled off another tying score! It's at 2-2!

Orcs kicking again... I see the ball in the air. I hear the elf thrower Mossfang calling out his throw, and again I hear Angruil's returning cry. The ball is thrown and again we see a lightning fast touchdown in the very late seconds of the game. Though I guess I only heard that one... Anyway, 3-2 for the Wardoves! There's not but a few seconds left on the clock. The fans are already filing out...

Maybe I can just... Yes! I'm finally at the front of the crowd! I can see clearly the Doves' final play. They've only fielded three linemen against a full line of orcs. The troll and Hammish are on the Widezone, looking very determined still despite a clear loss. The elves in the dugout are already celebrating their third victory of the summer season.

Wait! Stop everything! Hammish has the ball, he's leaping into the troll's waiting grasp! Like hideous green poetry in motion, the goblin is flung through the air and he lands like a... Like a snot-covered tissue in the Wardoves endzone. It's a tie game! 3-3! Hammish turns and drops trou right before the faces of the gawking Wardoves, and makes some very rude actions I'm not sticking around to see!

That took a lot out of me... All that scrambling through the fans. I'm renting a flying carpet next time. Or maybe I'll just scry the whole game. In any case, the MVPs are being announced now. It's Tsih Killwillow for the Blueriver Wardoves, who's acrobatic display always leaves his opponents in the dust, and Beef Bigaxe for being exactly what you'd expect Beef Bigaxe to be.

Seemed like an exciting game, winning new attention for both teams. This is the MMBBL's official Coach Wrangler, the Magical Mister Mudd signing off. Coming up next, from your regularily scheduled reporter, is the final challenge match between the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and the Traumatic Takedown!

See you there! I'll be watching that one from home...

Monday, August 25, 2008

A Legend is Lost

In the game of Blood Bowl, there are great victories, as well as great losses. A league of action, excitement, and suspense, the MMBBL prides itself on being both thrilling and shocking, with emotion running high not only on the pitch, but in the stands and across the known world itself. Despite all this, no one could have foreseen, much less been ready for, the events of last week's challenge match of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and the Meathooks. What follows here is only one point of view, one thin sliver of the moments which passed into history that day. There may be millions more - all holding in common the one question.

Where were you when the Legend fell?

The warm sun shone down on the pitch, and brief gusts of wind blew through the stadium as the MMBBL's two most storied teams took to the field. Separated into different divisions due to expansion, this match had been anticipated since the first kickoff of the Summer season. The Meathooks won the coin toss and elected to receive first. The wind picked up slightly as the ball was kicked into play, but proved of little consequence. Unfortunately for the Meathooks, their first pass of the game fell incomplete from Pickles to the usually-adept Hammish, and on the miscue the orc line began to collapse before the ravenous undead. Through the gaps like a bullet came who else but Ol' Teabagger, eager to make an opponent pay for its mistakes for the umpteenth time. Leaping over a fallen black orc, cruising towards the ball, O.T.B. scooped up the prize and was on his way! The only one who could hope to stop him was Gristly Slötturhaus, but the troll proved largely ineffective as opposed to simply large, and while he idly inspected the contents of his nostrils, Ol' Teabagger easily made his way down to score the first point of the game.

Once again, the Dirt Bursters kicked off to the Meathooks. The orc offense seemed much better prepared this time, even more prepared than the undead as they quickly shifted to optimize their position. Pickles caught the ball with ease, and handed off to the mighty Beef Bigaxe, the Meathooks' hard-working captain. Breaking through the surprised Dirt Bursters defense, Bigaxe was well on his way to scoring the equalizer until he was taken down by the quick Chompsalot. Coming out of the woodwork to seize another opportunity, Ol' Teabagger once again arrived ont he scene to retrieve the dropped cargo. Falling in with support from two wights, he made his way down the sideline and out of the reach of many orc players. All of them, in fact, save one Ramrod Meatmissile - a humble lineman who had only ever played a supporting role on the Meathooks squad, having only one casualty to his name and serving primarily as the free bread in a seven-course meal. However ordinary he may have been, he was about to get his moment in the spotlight.

Dodging out of coverage with skill born of pride and grit, Meatmissile weaved his way around the protection of the wights and threw a desperate block against the O.T.B., planting his feet firmly and giving the ghoul a mighty shove. Unbeknown to Meatmissile, he had firmly planted his feet directly on top of Ol' Teabagger's feet, in fact crushing several bones in the process. The sensation briefly reminded the ghoul's twisted corpse of the sensation of death, locking his limbs into a nervous memory of rigor mortis. With no way to roll with the blow, Ol' Teabagger's spine simply cracked and broke at the pelvis, and Ramrod Meatmissile ran forward another two or three yards before realizing that he had torn the undead player in half and was now draping his gore all along the sideline. The hush of death overcame the crowd for a moment, until a cry of "It's OVER!" erupted from an orc fan. The Dirt Bursters' faithful moaned and shuffled in woeful sorrow, but were drowned out by legions of death-crazed orcs chanting the name of the most unlikely of heroes - Meatmissile! was the name on the lips of every greenskin across the continent.

Finally recovering from the shock of the situation, the two wights handy to the disaster made their best effort to shove Meatmissile around, but merely pushed him onto the ball, where the surprising orc retrieved it. Finally, Lez White stripped him of the prize and recovered it, only to taste a flying forearm from Beef Bigaxe, come to protect his teammate. With the ball squirting free and the bodies piling up, the nimble Bahnaynay arrived to pick up the leftovers, and went almost unnoticed in scoring a touchdown while the rest of the players brawled in the dirt. At halftime, the score was 2-0 for the Dirt Bursters, but with the void of their best player looming large, not one of them felt like much of a winner.

The start of the second half did nothing to quell the mutterings among the crowd. People frantically tried to cancel bets. Orcs were drunk and rowdy with more than usual fury. The shambling hordes of undead looked more lost than usual, and even less happy to be there. Indeed, several had already gone back to their tombs in mourning. Nevertheless, the show did go on as Chompsalot fielded the kick. Hoping to give the undead a taste of their own medicine, the hulking T-Boner plowed through the undead line, making room for blitzers Beef Bigaxe and Moose Burger to follow up through the gaps. Bigaxe quickly stripped the ball from Chompsalot, and Burger snatched up the football. Attempting a pass to Chip Bonesaw, Burger could only grumble as the line orc dropped the pass.

The reality of the situation finally registering in the rotted minds of the Dirt Bursters line, the smashiest of smashies began their retaliatory rampage. Khermit, roaring with unholy unpleasantness clobbered black orc Grunt Skunchman, removing the big fellow from contention. Chompsalot recovered the ball once more from where it lay, and broke through the line to horrible daylight, flanked by fellow ghoul Bahnaynay. Beef Bigaxe made his best effort and stripped the ball again, but left himself open for abuse for his trouble. Chunk Norton hustled out of the pile-up and blitzed Bigaxe over the guardrail and into the crowd, where he was carried high on the arms of ecstatic orc fans until they deposited him at the dugout. Though thankful that their own star was saved from possible doom, the Meathooks unfortunately lost track of the ball at this point, and the impressive Bahnaynay gathered it into his arms and ran it in to add another point to the board.

With little time remaining, the Meathooks would have to stomach the loss of the match, but with the added sugary sensation of eliminating the greatest player in the league, it wasn't very hard to take. A few brief passing plays by Pickles and Hammish ended the contest with the Dirt Bursters taking the three to nothing victory, but without the usual joyful echo if the undead crowd to go with it. Still, despite this great loss, the Dirt Bursters have a strong corps of ghouls remaining, led by new leader Ned Gummers, with Chompsalot bringing his everyday fiend approach to the game and rookie Bahnaynay showing flashes of brilliance.

The match MVPs for the game were the mighty T-Boner of the Meathooks, and the very deserving Chompsalot of the Dirt Bursters, who really stepped up and showed dazzling agility all game long.

Only a few matches remain, sportsfiends, before the playoffs begin for the Blood Bowl Summer Championship! We'll have more reports in soon, from both myself and from the exciting gameday journal of your favourite Coach Wrangler!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Go'nads Go Big, Dirt Bursters Hold on for Tie

Here we are, a mere two weeks from playoffs, and still much of the future is up in the air! In Deathdealer division this week, two games with much riding on them took place as the Smash and Go'nads did battle with the Blackwater Bilgerunners and the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters squared off with the Blueriver Wardoves. Even weeks before the playoffs begin, these four forces can feel the do-or-die pressure building already. The only question? Who would do, and who wold die?

The Blackwater Bilgerunners, still recovering from their physical struggle with a handful of mummies, were down a few players and needed to call up a couple of rats from the practice squad to round out the team. From the very first kickoff, though, the skaven spirits were lifted as even though there were more dwarven fans on hand, the Bilgerunner supporters were loud beyond compare. The noise may have been more of a distraction than a help though, as the first pass from gutter runner Dingleberry to teammate Twinkletoes was bobbled and dropped. Twinkletoes quickly recovered from the blunder and sent the ball back to Dingleberry, who made good on the reception. With dwarf coverage coming down fast on him, Dingleberry got his foot tied up in a beard as he attempted to skitter free of danger and fell flat on his face.

Immediately on the ball to was Smash and Go'nads runner Adam Meway, who couldn't make much headway as both teams took several miscues during the broken play. Eventually the Skaven got their act together and put sufficient pressure on Meway for linerat Krunch to throw a block, and it turned out to be much more than just a block. Meway dumped the ball off on his way down, and Krunch, with a presence of mind not usually associated with the jittery Skaven race, smoothly reached out and reeled the ball in himself! Unfortunately, the rest of the dwarven line had finally caught up to the play by now, and Krunch was emphatically crunched by troll slayer Gil T. Azell. Blitzer Stu Padasso pounced on the loose ball and took a short stroll down to the end zone for the first point of the match. The boisterous crowd, once roaring for the Bilgerunners, was now erupting with song as the Go'nads faithful bellowed a drunken rendition of their team's anthem.

On the following drive, the Go'nads kicked off and stacked their defense to halt any last-minute shenanigans. Though there was time for Dingleberry to complete a pass to Twinkletoes, there wasn't time for much more. The half ended with the dwarves leading one to nothing, but with a whole new half to go it was still anyone's game.

Returning from the locker rooms and ready for action, the two squads took to the pitch once more. The Skaven kickoff left much to be desired, and though he missed the catch, runner Adam Meway was quickly on the ball and off down the field. As the defenders closed in on him, Meway lobbed the ball to his partner in crime Dick Gozinia, but the latter couldn't reel it in. Luck was with the dwarves however, as a failed pickup attempt by Gimpy the linerat saw the ball bounce right back into Adam Meway's hands. The dwarf march resumed with Meway being guarded on either side by Achilles Punks and Stu Padasso, making the crafty runner virtually untouchable. As the slow march continued, skaven tempers flared as the dwarf offense held its steady pace, until finally a quick pass from Adam Meway to a wide-open Dick Gozinia resulted in a touchdown. The dwarf crowd absolutely exploded, due to a combination of joy, beer and possibly dynamite. Up two to nothing, the Go'nads needed only weather the Bilgerunners' speedy offense for a few more minutes.

It didn't help the Bilgerunners' cause that they were still so angry from the last drive. Trash talking began brewing between the two squads as they set up for the next drive, and whatever was said must have hit home, be it comments about someone's mother's beard or someone else's peculiar looking tumor, because the players began to beat on each other before the whistle even blew! The debacle was sorted out quickly, due to the relative smallness of the Skaven and the entirely objective drunkenness of the dwarves, but time had still ticked off the clock and there was little hope for a full comeback by the Bilgerunners.

Regardless, the rats lined up for their drive. In contrast to the previous drive's sloppy kickoff, the Go'nads executed a gorgeous kick, and the ball came to rest in the furthest corner of the field. Still not dissuaded, the Skaven took their drive seriously. Piddlepaw retrieved the football and hurled it forward to Twinkletoes, who dodged a possibly disastrous hit before sprinting in for a touchdown. A small victory, however, as time ran out just seconds later. The final score was 2-1 for an elated Smash and Go'nads squad, finally experiencing the thrill of victory.

Match MVPs were Twinkletoes of the Bilgerunners for his notable blocking despite his diminutive stature, and Phil DeGrave of the Smash and Go'nads for his stellar defensive guarding.Also noteworthy were Dick Gozinia and Adam Meway, two halves of the same dwarven offensive whole and displaying impressive calm and focus when faced with even the tightest coverage. After the match, the Bilgerunners held a brief press conference to introduce their latest addition. The mighty rat ogre O'Rattigan was added to bring much-needed muscle to a speedy but underpowered Skaven squad.

The evening's second match brought the rising star of the Blueriver Wardoves into alignment with the blazing power of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, whose spark has long-since exploded into a winning streak which has spanned more than two full seasons. With a strong passing game keeping them afloat, the Wardoves have seen hardship in the receiver corps, with injuries plaguing the magnificent Tsih Killwillow and Sutlan Spearflower's stunning season being cut short by his grisly demise. The Dirt Bursters, for their part, have remained dominant, despite their recent pickups Clackers Rattlehead and Eric Shun contributing little to the cause but a couple of warm spots on the bench. To meet the challenge the Dirt Bursters posed, the elves had hired on not only the illustrious Prince Moranian, but the devastatingly distracting Eldril Sidewinder as well.

The contest would prove a challenge for both sides as a third competitor made its appearance - nature itself was taking a toll on the players as the heat and humidity were far above toe comfort zone for everyone involved. Young ladies in the stands swooned as the Wardoves took to the pitch, sweaty with effort. The undead had no easy time of it either, as soggy burial wrappings and hordes of flies plagued the Dirt Bursters both on and off the field. The undead were set to receive first, and the were nearly caught with their pants down as the unbearably beautiful Eldril Sidewinder practically stunned Khermit the mummy with his latest show-stopping pose, and the elven defenders flooded through the gap as Ned Gummers caught the high kick. Furious at his own lack of attention, Khermit helped himself to some deconstructive criticism as he leveled line elf Tanthil Twigbreaker, and the latter had to be removed from the pitch, unable to return. The elves pursued the Dirt Bursters' ghouls doggedly, but Gummers and company proved too wily for them, and Ned Gummers strode into the end zone to start the scoring.

Much to the elves' chagrin, both Eldril Sidewinder and Prince Moranian were left exhausted by the heat, and needed special care from the Wardoves' Bloodweiser Babes before they could return tot the pitch. Likewise, Stumps O'Boggy and Magut of the Dirt Bursters found themselves losing consistency and required time to properly congeal once more. Another high kick, this one to the elves, started the second drive, and ace thrower Bendark Mossfang caught the ball effortlessly. The Wardoves ran their patterns as well-oiled (coconut, we're told) machine, and with calculated precision, Mossfang connected with Stryth Leafmauler on a pass. Leafmauler danced through coverage and handed off to Albiir Featherdeath, who was unscathed as he scored the tying point.

Still the heat persisted. Though those previously out of commission had returned, new players succumbed to the sun's searing rays. Mlalyn Firefawn of the Wardoves was stricken, as were Chunk Norton and Clackers Rattlehead of the Dirt Bursters. The undead offense was quick to get started, and the kick sailed wide and resulted in a touchback, giving a significant advantage to the Dirt Bursters. Ol' Teabagger started the drive with a pass to Ned Gummers, but the latter became tied up in the elven defense. Even with the added push from his teammates, Gummers gained little ground, and the half ended before more points could be earned.

After halftime, once more the mighty Magut was unable to participate due to the oppressive heat. The Wardoves, however, had adapted to the weather by summoning a contingent of tiny air elementals, with several of the creatures attending to each player, providing a cool, refreshing sensation on their skin as well as an impressive breeze which danced through their well-styled hair. This time, the elves got the jump on the undead defense, and the surprise proved costly for the Dirt Bursters as Ned Gummers was laid out by Fhorin Bloodmeadow, and will likely be missing the next match as a result. Still, one ghoul down doesn't remove the other three, and soon enough Ol' Teabagger was chasing down Bendark Mossfang for the sack. Despite the ferocious coverage, Mossfang made no mistake in hitting Angruil Grimmrose with the throw, and the showy catcher backflipped into the end zone before spiking the football into the turf as the legions of sighing elf maidens looked on.

As the next drive began, at last the brutal heat broke under the weight of impressive stormclouds, and the world was a washed-out shade of gray as the rain poured down in buckets. For every fan in the stands who sought shelter, three more simply enjoyed the rush of cool water, and while the undead sections took on the grim mood of a gloomy cemetery, the elf sections looked decidedly more like a poolside party at one of Tsih Killwillow's post-game parties. Honestly, it's a wonder anyone actually paid attention tot he rest of the game. The Dirt Bursters were certainly paying attention, though, and the undead rush to the line on the kickoff was all the elves could handle in the driving rain. Squeezing through a gap with effortless ease, who else but the O.T.B. came through, ball clutched firmly under one arm as he booked it double-time for the end zone. When this ghoul puts what's left of his mind to something, it's very, very hard to make him stop, and the score was knotted at two sooner than anyone realized.

With time enough for another drive, the Wardoves were confident that they could pull off this upset. Unfortunately things started to go sideways for them as soon as the kick was off. And undead peanut vendor, furious that the rain had ruined his heretofore booming business selling blood-flavoured slush, hurled his small vendor cart over the guardrail and onto the unsuspecting head of Valandil Dreadlily of the Wardoves. Dreadlily was fine despite suffering a crushed helmet and a bruised ego, but the gap in the elves' offense would be costly. Lacking proper support, Albiir Featherdeath was overrun by the ravenous undead, and No Guts Bob brought the hammer down on him, putting him out for the remainder of the game. With the line depleted, the elves could only hope for a desperation play to win it for them, but it was not to be. The whistle blew and the final score stood at 2-2. The unbeaten streak for the Dirt Bursters lived on, but the win streak was finally over.

Match MVPs for this game were the Blueriver Wardoves' hard-working Fhorin Bloodmeadow and the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters' resurgent golden boy, Lanks McBreak. Further recognition goes out to Angruil Grimmrose, who was absolutely untouchable in the contest, to Dirt Bursters' mummy Khermit who redeemed himself for his early gaffe with a solid defensive presence, and to the O.T.B., whose steady play and careful ball-handling added to the legend. Amazingly enough, the fan presence for the Dusk Hill squad seemed diminished after the game. it could be that their loyalty lasts only so long as the victories pile up...or perhaps they just dried up and blew away before the rain hit.

Week five has almost drawn to a close, sportsfiends! This Sunday we'll have a clash of titans as the Dirt Bursters issue their challenge to the Meathooks, and a surprising return challenge as the Blueriver Wardoves call out the Brutakai Ragefangs once more! Look for more updates soon!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Skaven Start with a Bang, End with a Whimper

Challenge match action from the MMBBL coming at you, sportsfiends! This weekend, the Bloodsand Blasters, those shambling Pez dispensers of pain, made the challenge against the Blackwater Bilgerunners, the scrambliest eggs in the carton. Would speed and cunning make short work of slow and stupid, or would the unstoppable force turn its opponents into immobile objects? Only time would tell.

With the sun shining brightly down on the pitch and not a cloud in the sky, the two teams took to the field. The Bloodsand Blasters won the coin toss and elected to kick first, as their strategy seems to revolve around letting the opponent get all that scoring nonsense out of the way before the beatings can begin. The beatings certainly would begin, as it was evident early on that there wasn't even a referee on the field. Most likely, the officials were "encouraged" to take a long coffee break by the persuasive Blasters mummy corps. The show must go on, as they say, and so on it went.

Any nervousness on the part of the skaven may have been defused quite early as, after a quick pass from Fivel Mausketrap to Piddlepaw, the line rats set about throwing blocks. Stumptail, mustering every ounce of courage and getting a few key assists, took down the corpulent West Nile Cyrus, breaking the mummy's neck with a dry crunch. Dragged off the field by his teammates, it was evident that while the injury would not significantly effect the mummy in the long term, he would still be missing some time to get his spine in order. The Blasters made every effort to rob Piddlepaw of the ball, even stripping it from him briefly, but the wily critter was up again as soon as he was down, and easily scampered free for the first touchdown.

Now set t receive, the Bloodsand Blasters set about very defensive offense, choosing to protect the ball in the event that their creaking, bony fingers couldn't immediately pick the ball up. One doesn't need fingers to throw blocks, however, and the undead set about their usual brutal shenanigans immediately. Old Giza brought his mighty fists to bear on the aforementioned Stumptail, Exacting some revenge for his comrade by breaking the line rat's ribs. Soon thereafter, skeletal phenom Helter Skeleter got hold of Fivel Mausketrap, fracturing his leg and removing one of the Bilgerunners' best offensive tools from contention. The Bilgerunners wouldn't take all this lying down though, and after carefully setting up Durdurhotep, Brutus the blitzer shoved the mummy down in a heap. Though down, Durdurhotep was not out for long, and soon reappeared in the dugout groaning for his teammates. once again, the surprising Helter Skeleter put his stamp on the game, laying out Lamefist the line rat and putting him out of the match.

In all the confusion, however, the Bilgerunners had made their defensive strike. Racing out of harm's way and into the end zone went Squeesplat, and not far behind was the ball. The supremely-dodgey Dingleberry scooped up the ball where it lay after a desperation downfield throw by Hork Ptah, handed off to fellow gutter runner Piddlepaw, who tossed the football into the waiting hands of Squeesplat. It was now a two to nothing game in favour of the Bilgerunners, and with a slow-moving offense like the Blasters', the game might have been over already.

Taking the field confidently to kick off again, the skaven were caught by surprise when a quick snap gave the Blasters some extra momentum. A bewildered Piddlepaw, trying to get out of coverage, tripped up on some stray bandages and threw off the entire skaven defense. The gaffe proved costly as the alarmingly dangerous Old Giza brought his bony belligerence to bear. Tackling the hapless line rat Limpy to the ground, Giza followed up with a double eye-gouge that didn't stop at the eyes. Finally satisfied and covered in brain paste, Old Giza got up and resumed the match, while Limpy, needless to say, did not. As the crowd reeled from the spectacle, largely unnoticed was another casualty caused by Gus Sarcopha, as the skeleton laid out Gimpy, yet another line rat, who would not return to the match and spent the rest of the day mourning the loss of his teammate.

The halftime gong sounded, and never before had there been a sadder-looking bunch of skeletons and mummies. Just as they had gotten on a roll, the skaven were given an opportunity to regroup, and the scoreboard reminded them that while they had been successful in beating their opponents, their opponents were in fact beating them, collectively. Still, the score of 2-0 was overshadowed by the standing ovation given to Helter Skeleter and Old Giza for their impressive casualties, and a large round of laughs for Sahket Toomi, who had unfortunately lost his upper body in the carnage and somehow managed to throw a block or two as only a pair of legs.

As the two teams returned to the field, it looked as though each would return to its standard strategies. The skaven were shorthanded now, but still fast on their feet. The kickoff went to the Blasters once again, and aside from a brisk wind blowing by, all seemed to be proceeding as expected. Many fans, convinced that the skaven victory was secured, had even left early to beat the parking rush, and they would regret it.

Skaven blitzer Jenner opened the half by picking apart the oblivious lower half of Sahket Toomi, putting him out for the rest of the match. Toomi later commented on the hit. "I felt distracted and didn't see him coming. I don't know, I just wasn't all there for that one." Old Giza, inspired by or simply jealous of the success of the once-lowly Helter Skeleter, walloped Squeesplat with a massive shove and the line rat had to be carted off. Things started to get ugly fast, as Dirty Suez was tossed for an attempted foul on a downed gutter runner. Then, Twinkletoes was caught retaliating against a prone Cal Ciferous. The foul proved more costly for the Bilgerunners as Ciferous put himself back together with ease.

In an alarming turn of events, Hork Ptah of the Bloodsand Blasters managed to complete a pass to Dusty Tombs. Tombs took a moment to assess the situation, but eventually got underway and trundled past the depleted skaven defense for an unlikely touchdown. Now leading by only one point, the Bilgerunners needed to maintain control, or at least prevent the undead from getting another shot against the waning skaven forces.

What followed did not help their cause in the slightest. With a mere handful of players on the pitch, the skaven offense was easy to predict, and the Blasters got a jump on them as the play began. Openings were sealed and key players were tied up, and worse yet, the ball was in danger of being picked up by the undead again. The backbreaker for the Bilgerunners came from who else but the explosive Helter Skeleter, who lined up the fallen Brutus and kicked the blitzer squarely in the jaw. Though not permanently disfigured, Brutus was significantly maimed and could not return to the match. Up from the line and into skaven territory came Mister Urns, followed by a handful of skeletons, each hopeful of a chance at glory in the dying minutes. Urns, though meaning well, evoked such descriptive words as "inept" and "hopeless", but eventually Dusty Tombs managed to collect the football and hand it off to Cairo Practor. Practor was virtually unchallenged as he shambled in for the tying point.

With almost no time remaining for a comeback, the skaven were content merely to have survived the match without requiring a forfeit. With only three players remaining on the field, a high kick saw the ball collected by blitzer Jenner, and all the Bilgerunners had time for was a quick pass to Dingleberry before the final bell sounded. It was a wild one, and the final of 2-2 was a telling tale of two very different halves.

The game's MVPs were Cal Ciferous of the Bloodsand Blasters, for reasons not particularly evident, and Stumptail, who played valiantly until being rocked in the first half. Additional accolades go to Old Giza and Cairo Practor for their defensive sensibilities, Squeesplat and Helter Skeleter for their bone-crunching blocks, and Twinkletoes for being a dodgey, shifty, nigh-untouchable runt.

Week five action is coming up this Tuesday, as the formidable Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters take on the talented Blueriver Wardoves, and the slowly-recovering Blackwater Bilgerunners play the Smash and Go'nads. The is the MMBBL - by-weeks are for pansies! See you then!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Chaos Dwarves Weather Khemri Storm; Ragefangs Best Meathooks in Thriller

Week four is underway in the MMBBL, featuring the bone-crushing exploits of the Bloodbath division. Two divisional matches took place last night, as the Bloodsand Blasters squared off against the Traumatic Takedown and the Brutakai Ragefangs faced the Meathooks in a highly anticipated all-orc showdown.

Game one was a quick and dirty affair, marked by multiple miscues on each side. Still, as the first meeting of the two newcomer teams in Bloodbath, it was an exciting contest and the fans ate it up. The chaos dwarf fans, anyway. The skeletal supporters at least had something to chew on.Winning the coin toss, the Takedown elected to receive first. Shorthanded due to the death of line dwarf Third Degree Bernie, a hobgoblin journeyman was brought in to fill the gap, and fit in well enough with his fellow hobs from the get-go.

To start off their possession, Ortho Pnoea lobbed a pas forward to Busitis "Bruce" Olecranon, who chose his running route carefully and patiently, waiting for the right moment to burst downfield. The moment came as Mad Maxilla, frothing at the beard and hooting like a maniac, sent skeleton lackey Gus Sarcopha sprawling to the dirt with a broken jaw. Olecranon seized the opportunity and was a blur down the sideline, with the much slower Khemri forces either oblivious or too slow to stop the score. To the delight of the crowd, hobgoblins Pnoea, Olecranon and Perry Carditis joined together for an emphatic high-fiving in the end zone. Mad Maxilla attempted to assist the festivities, but came up short and had to settle for congratulations from the voices inside his head. After the play, Sarcopha was seen once again on the Blasters' sidelines, having regenerated completely from the wound.

as the next drive started, disaster seemed to strike for the Blasters. The once sunny sky turned dark with rain, and the Khemri team, hard-pressed to pick up the ball even in normal conditions, now had even less of a chance to get their bony fingers around the football. As luck would have it, however, the kick from the Traumatic Takedown was shallow and short, and resulted in a touchback. The ball was given to Cairo Practor, and the Blasters' skeletons quickly moved to surround and protect their chosen carrier.

Now came the powerful mummies to make up for their disappointingly passive performance in their first match. The hits came down hard from the bandaged brutes, knocking out dwarves, hobgoblins and even the mighty centaur Charlie Horse. As the defenders dwindled, Cairo Practor shuffled steadily down the field. The Khemri demonstrated their brutal and unapologetic nature, pressing their newfound numbers advantage and fouling the Takedown with impunity. The officials had been warned beforehand that this was their style, and as a result both Cal Ciferous and Sahket Toomi were ejected from the match for some blatant kickings and stranglings. With the odds no longer so favourable, Cairo Practor stumbled into the end zone as fast as he could, and the score was knotted at one apiece.

To the dismay of the Bloodsand Blasters, the weather began to clear up again once the next drive began. Compounding their chagrin and also the Takedown's joy, nearly every dwarf and hobgoblin who'd been sent off for a nap by the mummies had awakened and returned to the field. The small mercy for the undead was that apparently, Charlie Horse had been hit hard enough to remain asleep. The second half was underway with a truly mediocre kick from the Blasters, making for an an easy pickup and toss by Plex Fracture to the unnamed journeyman. The unfortunate reserve then handed off to Busitis Olecranon, and just in time. No sooner than he had released the football, the hobgoblin was set upon my a frenzied Helter Skeleter. Skeleter, motivated by some possessive force, tore both of the unlucky fellow's arms from their sockets before crushing his skull and absorbing his life force completely. While this soul-stealing may be repulsive to some, it makes for some great water cooler conversations the next day!

The Khemri maiming spree didn't end there. West Nile Cyrus, the bloated, shambling team captain, tackled dwarf blocker Spleenic Pain hard enough to put him in traction for his team's next match. Shortly thereafter, Dirty Suez mauled Plex Fracture and dragged him to he Takedown infirmary himself, tossed him into a cot and muttered "This one ain't done yet" before returning to the game. Fracture did not return before the match's end. With time winding down and not enough line support to break through to the end zone, Bruce Olecranon lobbed a sort one to Perry Carditis and the whistle blew right after the catch. The final score, a one to one tie, but not a bad game by any stretch for either squad.

The MVPs of our first match were the towering Charlie Horse of the Traumatic Takedown, presumably for not being significantly maimed, and Durdurhotep of the Bloodsand Blasters, presumably for threatening the announcers if they said otherwise. When asked how they felt about their dubious awards, Horse responded with a confident "ow", while Durdurhotep bellowed "Daah, my touch corrupts the living!" And proceeded to cover our correspondent with dust. After the match, it was learned that each team had spent its considerable winnings on new players. The Blasters now have a dedicated thrower in the addition of one Hork Ptah, while the Takedown get bigger, meaner, and smellier by signing a second centaur named Dead Leg.

Our second match of the evening was one of the most highly anticipated of the season - green versus green, orc against orc, as the Brutakai Ragefangs and the Meathooks, each coming off a loss, clashed for bragging rights among all orckind. The Ragefangs were tough, but didn't think themselves invincible, and therefore hired on the enormous Ripper Bolgrot to tip the scales for them.

The Ragefangs were set to receive in the clear, warm evening air, though the chants of "D-fence! D-fence!" from the crowd may have soured the mood for them a bit. It certainly didn't throw off the game of Kozu Ironhide, as the black orc throttled Meathooks lineman Lockjaw, putting him out of commission for the Meathooks' next match with an ugly arm fracture. This garnered most of the crowd's attention, even as Krak Toothsnapper hurled a pass to Raziek Bloodrage, who caught the football with practiced ease. The skilled blitzer took off down the field, as all around him Meathooks defenders scrambled, fell, and could only watch as Raziek stormed into the end zone, conveniently posing in front of a poster for his recently-sponsored flavour of sports drink, Razberry Rush. A refreshing start to the game for all those Brutakai "Ragefans" indeed!

The wind picked up a bit as the Meathooks got ready to receive on the next drive, but the errant ball was still scooped up by the plucky Hammish with relative ease. Running quickly into place behind teammate Gristly Slötturhaus, Hammish was picked up by the lumbering troll and chucked down the pitch in a textbook example of a troll having already eaten before the match. Hammish hit the ground safely, but found himself in the midst of the Ragefangs secondary. As quickly as he had landed, Hammish began to regret it as Raziek Bloodrage and Kodish Manhammer bore down on the stunty fellow, sandwiching him and knocking the ball loose. Picking up the lost rock was Gor Knifelicker, who might have made something of a play if not for the distraction caused by Xarnak Bloodrage when the blitzer took a spill at midfield and had to be carted off. Out of the chaos on the line of scrimmage came Beef Bigaxe, the meaty marvel himself, to rob Knifelicker of the ball on his way to the end zone. Raziek made his move to stop the more experienced player, but was shrugged off by the hulking Beef. Bigaxe then had an easy run to the end zone and the score was brought to a tie as the Meathooks captain was showered with assorted delicious (if not identifiable) meat by-products.

With little time left in the first half, a high kick from the Meathooks was caught by Krak Toothsnapper, but without time enough for a sustained drive. The halftime whistle sounded with the score tied at one, and the crowd loving every minute of it.

With the start of the second half came another drive by the Meathooks. A quick snap caught the defense off guard, and Pickles made his move to secure the ball. His handoff to Hamish subsequently failed, however, as the previous mashing dealt to him by the Ragefangs seemed to have left Hammish rattled. Hammish did recover the ball eventually, but was knocked on his backside by Rigor Stonestomper, and the ball bounced neatly back into the line orc's hands. Unfortunately for Stonestomper, the moment was short-lived as Moose Burger came crashing into him from the side, knocking him out cold. Again, Hammish struggled to get ahold of the ball to pass to a wide-open Rip Steakface, but fumbled once more! Kozu Ironhide pressed his advantage in the confusion, sending Hammish reeling and the ball bouncing freely, in and out of the stands, before being picked up by Raziek Bloodrage once more. With the pesky ball out of the way, Ironhide was once again free to pick on Hammish, and the little fellow was hurled into the stands. Luckily he landed among Meathooks fans, who merely teased him as they tossed him down the line to the dugout. Seemingly unstoppable as he cruised down the field, Raziek Bloodrage scored his second touchdown of the match, sending a message to the rest of the MMBBL which clearly said "MVP".

With little time to dilly-dally, the Meathooks looked once more to Hammish to carry their hopes through the cooling evening air. Taking the handoff well from Pickles, Hammish was expertly lobbed to his destiny by Slötturhaus once more...only to completely bail on the landing. Though unharmed beyond a mouthful of dirt, the failed landing gave the Ragefangs a chance to intensify coverage, and in the end, they left the Meathooks no option but to accept defeat. The final score was two to one for the revitalized Brutakai Ragefangs.

MVP accolades were awarded to Raziek Bloodrage of the Ragefangs (a more deserving performance we have yet to see this season) and to T-Boner of the Meathooks, who threw many key blocks in the loss. While the Deathdealer division is being led by the heavily favoured Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, the Bloodbath division is still completely up in the air, with the Bloodsand Blasters owning a narrow lead and the veteran Meathooks sitting in a distant third spot. Anything can happen in the next few weeks, though, so stay tuned for more bone-crunching, blood-letting, and ear-pulling action!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Elves and Skaven Explode with Offense; Dwarf Simply Explodes

After an unavoidable delay, here at last are the results of week three's matchups in the Deathdealer division. One game was a battle of incredible speed and agility, while the other was more notable for the wide assortment of smells involved.

The first match saw the ever-dangerous Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters defend their incredible unbeaten streak against the down but determined forces of the Smash and Go'nads. Despite a slow start, the Go'nads have been a great physical force in the MMBBL this season, led by the brutal, smash-mouth play of lineman Eric Shun, whose hard, unyielding style of play garnered an impressive three casualties in his first game of the season. What can be said about the Dirt Bursters, those marching, moaning, magnificent monsters of the gridiron, which has not already been said? They may not have been born ready, but they certainly died ready. In an attempt to gain an edge over the undead, the Go'nads hired on Barik Farblast, inventor of the Farblast 5000 Passing Machine, and had also bribed enough officials to ensure that the wily dwarf would be able to play the entire match without ejection. The Dirt Bursters also signed skeleton Clackers Rattlehead to an entry-level contract.

With the sun shining and the crowd roaring, the Dirt Bursters were set to receive first. With calculated, almost mechanical resolve, the undead showed their quality amid the screaming of the fans, with superb blocks by the offensive line establishing a running corridor for ghoul Ned Gummers. Gummers charged out of midfield and was home free from dwarf coverage, until a bolt of lightning from the upper deck flashed towards him, intent on stopping the runner cold. With an athleticism and poise unheard of in the ranks of the deceased, Gummers dodged pure lightning and strode in for the touchdown, free of harm. Needless to say, the dwarves and their fans were stunned.

As the Smash and Go'nads prepared for their first offensive drive, a Dirt Bursters fan, responding in kind for the attack on his team's runner, hurled a nearby skeleton fan's head at the Go'nads' main distributor of pain, Eric Shun, knocking the dwarf face-down on the pitch. The ball was kicked off anyway, and Barik Farblast made his move to retrieve it. After Farblast's pass to runner Dick Gozinia was good, the latter found himself quickly set upon by Dirt Bursters' star player, Ol' Teabagger. Unable to avoid The Man's coverage, Gozinia went down and the ghoul recovered the rock. Storming towards the end zone, Ol' Teabagger demonstrated that not every moment in a great player's career is memorable, as he caught his foot on the stray skull tossed in earlier and crashed in a heap at the goal line. The dwarves were hard-pressed to retrieve the lost ball, and sure enough, more ghouls came out of the woodwork to try for the score. Ned Gummers made his approach first and threw the ball laterally to teammate Chompsalot, who then streaked towards the end zone. He never made it there, however, as a blatant, unmistakable foul ended the Dirt Bursters' drive immediately thereafter. Zombie Stumps O'Boggy, apparently sick of hearing about the exploits of Eric Shun, descended upon the dwarf lineman with a powerful punch which shattered the dwarf's teeth. The zombie's fist did not stop there, however, but kept going down the dwarf's throat. Then, in one swift motion, O'Boggy wrenched his arm free, bringing with it assorted organs of varying degrees of importance. Disheartened, winded, and all-around gutless, the once-celebrated Eric Shun collapsed to the ground, dead. O'Boggy was ejected fro the foul, though the damage had been done to both the opponent, and to their fanbase. The second half ended, and the dwarves retreated to their locker room to regroup.

With the second half underway, the Smash and Go'nads chose to implement a new, stingy offensive structure which would prevent their opponent from even coming close to the ball. The plan was working well, and the Dirt Bursters found themselves lacking space in the infirmary as the dwarves were knocking them unconscious left and right. At the height of the carnage, six undead players were asleep in the dugout, and the dwarves had complete control of the field. The winds of chance are fickle, though, and can turn a sweet Summer breeze into a chaotic tornado in a heartbeat. The storm in question arrived when Ol' Teabagger, committed to redeeming his earlier gaffe, dodged through the dwarf coverage and broke free towards Barik Farblast, who had been calmly surveying the field. Farblast was blindsided by the hit and the O.T.B. scooped up the lost ball and carried it in for the touchdown.

With little time remaining for a comeback, the Smash and Go'nads were driven only by revenge. Not one of the unconscious Dirt Bursters players had awakened, and the game looked as though it would finish badly for anyone without a beard. Sensing this, perhaps, were the remaining Dirt Bursters players, and they began to taunt and goad the dwarves as they came onto the pitch. With careful ego prodding and rampant bragging about the probability of the late Eric Shun joining the undead team, the Dirt Bursters incited a riot among the two teams and carefully took their lumps while the clock continued to run down. The final whistle blew and the dwarves were shocked to find them selves denied even the bittersweet taste of vengeance. In the chaos, the undead had sent their assistant coaches across the field to retrieve the remains of Eric Shun, and after a brief ritual the newly-minted zombie rose to take his place on the Dusk Hill team's roster. The final score was two to nothing for the undead, but the toll seemed far greater in the hearts of the dwarven faithful.

The match MVP awards were presented to Stumps O'Boggy, whose deliberate and guiltless foul not only eliminated the dwarves' biggest threat, but also resulted in a new teammate for the Dirt Bursters, and to Holden McGroin of the Smash and Go'nads, who has vowed to honour the loss of his teammate by wearing the number three from now on. Also earning a nod was the play of Ned Gummers, whose running ability has been highlighted by his will to go the extra mile. The undead unbeaten streak is kept alive for another week.

Game number two on the schedule saw the two fastest teams in the league square off against each other. The Blackwater Bilgerunners tested their flea-bitten mettle against the poetry in motion of the Blueriver Wardoves. The weather was nice for this match as well, and the rat and elf fans were out in full force for their favourites.

With the Wardoves winning the coin toss and receiving first, the feeling that this game would be a high-scoring affair had the crowd abuzz. There would be no disappointment in this regard, as the ball quickly came to Bendark Mossfang, the Wardoves' high-caliber passing specialist. With skaven bearing down on him from all directions, Mossfang launched a shot to to newcomer Angruil Grimmrose, who was recently brought in to replace the sadly departed Sutlan Spearflower. Grimmrose quickly showed his value by reeling in the throw and taking it in for the quick touchdown. Could the Bilgerunners respond?

With the ball coming to them this time, the skaven looked to their quarterback, Fivel Mausketrap, to lead their charge. Unfortunately, Mausketrap seemed to be wearing greased oven mitts, and was unable to so much as settle the ball down. The rest of the offense proceeded without him nonetheless, and soon Mausketrap was left alone in the backfield as the speedy elves bore down on him. With a timely blitz by Albiir Featherdeath, the skaven thrower was tossed aside and the Wardoves' crowd-pleasing catcher Tsih Killwillow snatched up the loose ball for an easy touchdown. Now down two to nothing in the early going, the Blackwater Bilgerunners needed to step up or be squashed underfoot.

Step up they did, but at every turn the elves seemed to match their effort. The blocking was frenzied as the skaven attempted once more to set up their rat rush. Their thrower seemed positively snakebit though, and again the skaven offense was stymied. In the thick of the action, elf blitzer Fhorin Bloodmeadow crashed headlong into gutter runner Piddlepaw, mangling the furry runt considerably. The Bilgerunners' surgery staff did their job well, however, and Piddlepaw was right as rain in no time. Meanwhile, Piddlepaw's teammate Dingleberry pounced on the ball, only to see it squirt free. Luckily, linerat Lamefist was in the right place at the right time as the football fell into his grasp. Bolting downfield, Lamefist could only hope to outrun the speedy elves, and hope was all he would get. Albiir Featherdeath came up quickly and sent Lamefist off for a nap. Before the elf blitzer could recover the ball, however, the crafty Dingleberry had already poached it and the other Bilgerunners were moving to protect him. Once more, Albiir Featherdeath ran the rat ball carrier into the dirt, only this time he retrieved the prize and threw it to Angruil Grimmrose, who then handed the ball off masterfully to Fhorin Bloodmeadow, who might have been home free were it not for his opponents having blitzers of their own. (Relatively) hulking Jenner cracked the elf upside the skull neatly, allowing Fivel Mausketrap to at last pick up the ball correctly. Hurling the ball downfield, it found the arms of Squeesplat the linerat, who managed to stumble through to the end zone to cut the point deficit in half.

With little time remaining in the first half, the last notable play came during the kickoff to the Wardoves, as Albiir Featherdeath was laid out in the mud by an errant stone hurled from the bleachers. With all respect to the great potential and ability of Featherdeath, in a game where he was making the entire opposing squad miserable as they paid for every mistake at his hands, he might have seen this coming. The whistle sounded, the teams took off to their locker rooms, and the score at halftime was two to one for the Wardoves.

After the break, the skaven squad returned to the field with a great air of intensity about them, as though each player had put aside his minor league mannerisms and truly embraced the big-league, full-pro nature of the MMBBL. They showed this was the case without a doubt on the first drive of the second half as they capitalized on a quick snap which caught the elf defense flat-footed. Snatching up the ball, gutter runner Twinkletoes hurtled down the pitch at blistering speed, and the defenders could only watch as he leaped over the goal line, cartwheeling into the adoring crowd.

Not to be outdone, the Blueriver Wardoves reached deep down into their hearts and pulled out another spectacular series of plays. Tanthil Twigbreaker started the surge when he viciously clotheslined Stumptail the linerat. Immobile on the pitch for several minutes, Stumptail was presumably saved by the quick thinking and response of the medical staff. Not about to let something like that go, the Bilgerunners' receiving corps set up heartthrob Tsih Killwillow for a big fall, as a shove from the physically negligible Twinkletoes was compounded by Dingleberry kneeling down behind Killwillow to trip the handsome lad up. Killwillow must have dinged his head off of something on the way down, because he wasn't moving much after the incident. Hauled off the pitch on a stretcher with what team representatives are calling an upper body injury, Tsih will be missing his team's next match to recover. The sobs from the stands were quite pronounced for a moment, but the relentless screeching of the skaven fans soon drowned it out.

When play resumed, the elves began to press, with Fhorin Bloodmeadow streaking to the end zone in the place of the fallen Killwillow. Unfortunately, pressure from the Bilgerunners prevented Bendark Mossfang from getting hold of the football. The gutter runners Twinkletoes and Dingleberry continued their shenanigans as they plagued the elf thrower to no end. Finally able to escape his tormentors, Mossfang managed to lob a pass out to Tanthil Twigbreaker, who effortlessly handed off to the illustrious Featherdeath. Throwing a desperation block through the skaven swarm enveloping him, Featherdeath crashed free, gave the ball to Bloodmeadow, and the blitzer was home free for the go-ahead score.

With another quick strike in mind, the skaven, undaunted by this renewed point deficit, looked to the sneaky Twinkletoes once more. Dashing past the elf defenders but losing steam, he could have been easy prey for Bendark Mossfang in the backfield. It wasn't in the stars for Mossfang tonight, however, as the thrower took a misstep on his way out of coverage and crashed to the earth. Unhindered, Twinkletoes made no mistake and jogged into the end zone with ease.

With hardly any time remaining, the elves could not produce another touchdown before the whistle sounded. They could, however, give the Bilgerunners something to remember them by. After the last play, Angruil Grimmrose delivered a shameless cleating to the back of linerat Limpy's head. While this tactic shocked many in the crowd, it also garnered several sighs and coos as well. As Grimmrose coolly removed his gauntlet and sipped his water in the dying rays of the sun, it seemed that the Wardoves' would-be lovers had found themselves a new bad boy.

The match MVP awards for the 3-3 draw went to the Bilgerunners' Piddlepaw, who proved a hard rat to keep track off all match, and to Tish Killwillow of the Wardoves, who will undoubtedly have plenty of visitors during his time off the pitch. Additionally, Fivel Mausketrap of the Bilgerunners, while struggling with the concept of picking up a ball all game, had no problem delivering it through the air with great precision. From the Blueriver squad, Bendark Mossfang showed an improved skill with ball retrieval, while Fhorin Bloodmeadow displayed excellent mobility in high-pressure situations.

That concludes week three in the MMBBL Blood Bowl Summer season! Coming up on Tuesday it's a return to the Bloodbath division, when we'll see the Traumatic Takedown face the Bloodsand Blasters, and the Brutakai Ragefangs as they line up against the Meathooks in some old-fashioned orc on orc warfare! Don't miss it!