Deadites Dethrone Spike! Tournament Champs

The MMBBL Dungeonbowl playoffs have begun, and the excitement is building right from the get-go, as the upstart Drudgetown Deadites hosted the underachieving champions, the Razor Hill Spinebreakers, at the Pit in Drudgetown this past weekend. It was a gorgeous day for a game, and the Spinebreakers would start on offense, as the Deadites won the toss and opted to defer.

As the ball took to the sky, an immense cheer went up for the Deadites, whose fans were living a veritable dream of an inaugural season. The ball came down not far from orc hero Kiro Stormaxe, who had been having a comparatively quiet season thus far. Stormaxe moved up behind troll blocker Zor Loneblow and handed off to the previously-unseen Chuck Skudfungus, who looked ready to go for a ride. With all in readiness, Loneblow scooped up the goblin in an attempt to toss him downfield, but overdid it on the wind-up and dropped Skudfungus back to the ground! With an ineffectual kick to the troll's massive foot, Skudfungus let him know he was still there, and before the pressing Deadite defense could make a move for the ball, the goblin was airborne again, and on target this time. Soaring over the heads of the Deadites' defense, Skudfungus landed expertly and stormed into the end zone to give the orc squad the early lead.

Now the test would come for the Deadites, to see if they could really hang in and bang with the big boys of the MMBBL. A high, drifting kick from the Spinebreaker defense helped their cause, but Klaatu Nikto wasn't able to pull it down cleanly. Instead the ghoul picked it up and held his ground while the Deadite line soundly thumped the orc line back off of midfield. Still, the Deadite offense wasn't making much headway, and the Spinebreakers met their charge at every turn, stifling the forward motion and keeping them well out of range of the end zone. Eventually, the pressure wore through, and Klaatu's pass to the wight X Morte went off course and fell free. Who should jump on it, then, but Kiro Stormaxe, who seemed to have had enough of conservative play. X Morte quickly recovered, however, and returned the favour to Stormaxe, sending the ball free yet again! Bobbled by Klaatu, the ball bounced around in the growing scrum, until finally it was somehow reeled in by zombie line-chump Goody Little Two Shoes. His elation was muffled by an onrush of angry greenskin, though, as blitzer Galthuk Battlewail stripped the ball from him and sent things back into chaos. Just as it seemed that Soran Steelfury of the Spinebreakers had got his mitts safely around the prize, the whistle for halftime blew, and both teams retreated to the locker rooms with the score one to nothing for the orcs.

Both squads appeared to be fired up when they came out for the second half, but perhaps a little too fired up. taunts began to fly between the two teams - words like "Bumstick" and "Kiro the Zero" were heard, and before too long a brawl broke out at midfield. It took some time for officials to get things sorted out, and there was some speculation that it was a ploy by the Spinebreakers to eat up the Deadites' chances of tying the game. in any case, the orcs kicked off eventually, and Varata Nikto was the first on the ball. Angry and frustrated, the Deadites put on a vicious display of offensive determination led by the snarling Wanna Little, who upended line orc Mok Rawtar awkwardly, resulting in a trip tot he infirmary for the normally stalwart greenskin. Calmly, Varata handed the ball off to the illustrious Klaatu, and the orc defense shifted their attention accordingly. Just as they were closing in, however, the Deadites reversed their strategy! Klaatu handed the ball back on the reversal, and Varata tossed to a now unattended Boomstick, who charged down the sideline en route to the goal line. Blitzer Godan Rockmaul made an attempt to stop the wily werewolf, but couldn't keep up, and the score was then tied at one.

With precious little time remaining, the Spinebreakers once again turned to the suspect bravery of Chuck Skudfungus. The Deadites, of course, saw this coming a mile away, and coordinated their defense to match. Skudfungus soared skyward from the mighty arms of Zor Loneblow, and landed adequately to boot! The dream in the little goblin's heart died, though, when the outstretched foot of Varata Nikto caught him as he tried to squeeze through to the endzone. The game was going to need overtime to find resolution! Unfortunately for the Spinebreakers, line orc Mok Rawtar, freshly returned from his brief stint in the doctor's office, would not be a part of it. Rawtar was bowled over yet again by Boomstick, and while not seriously injured, thought better of playing anymore and hit the showers early.

it would appear that old habits die hard, or in the case of the undead, not completely in any respect. The teams were once again at each others' throats before halftime could get underway, but this time the officials broke the affair up quickly thanks to the latest addition to the team, a deathroller with "2 serv n' prutek" painted crudely on the side. Never before has there been such a clear example of NOT fighting the law and the law very handily winning. The two teams were separated, the clock reset, and the game finally underway once more.

Now that the way was cleared for sanctioned, legal violence, Zor Loneblow wasted no time in squishing zombie blocker Ramming Speed underfoot. the undead being what they are, Mr. Speed was dragged back to the dugout to regenerate. Deadite retaliation was not far behind, though, as Boomstick shifted his attention to rookie line orc Ulrike Stonehide, whom he dropkicked into next week. The orcs stayed alert and moved about to cut off any offensive entry from the Deadites. Finally, with everyone in position, Soran Steelfury burst over the line and stripped the ball cleanly from a bewildered Klaatu Nikto, who appeared to be entirely concerned with getting away from his attacker. Kiro Stormaxe roared up behind his fellow blitzer and got hold of the ball, hoping to put the game away himself.

Back on the line of scrimmage, out of Stormaxe's peripheral vision, things weren't going anywhere near as well as he'd hoped. the hulking Frankenberry had laid out Orok Deathbane, crushing the black orc's hip and ending his season, while Godan Rockmaul fell under a blow from the completely uncontrollable Boomstick, marking the werewolf's third casualty of the day. Desperate and out of options by now, Kiro Stormaxe covered his eyes and lobbed the ball as far as possible into no-man's land. Wanna Little of the Deadites was closest to it, and scampered back with his tongue hanging out the side of his grinning mouth. Galthuk Battlewail made a move to stop the rushing Deadite, but was stiffarmed aside. The orcs were losing the numbers game, and Wanna Little was ditching coverage all the way back down the pitch. With little remaining to oppose him and no hop of catching up, the orcs could only watch as Wanna Little high-stepped into the endzone to give the Deadites the lead.

Only one hope remained for the Spinebreakers, and once again it was Chuck Skudfungus. The Deadites could put it away before he even got a chance for heroics, though, and put it away they did. The shallow kick was well out of range of the more mobile Spinebreakers, and never even got to Skudfungus before time ran out. The Deadites had pulled off the upset and completed the championship hangover that was the Spinebreakers' season.

MVPs of the match were Goody little Two Shoes of the Deadites, and Godan Rockmaul of the Spinebreakers for some great defensive work in the losing cause. Zor Loneblow also earns a nod for dominating the line of scrimmage and helping his fellow linemates out to boot.

Be sure to check back soon for more playoff updates!

Blood Bowl Day 2008: Highlights and Hijinx

This past Sunday we held Blood Bowl Day, our one-year anniversary celebration for the MMBBL. By all accounts, it was a complete success, thanks to the enthusiasm and efforts of our eight coaches. Off-field highlights included four pizzas, three cases of pop, and a lot of laughter. The on-field highlights are a bit more...reportable. Additionally, we implemented our new "Stadium Rules" for the first time, for the most part to everyone's great amusement. We'll have another post up about them soon.

The Asgard Raiders had a pair of games, and their results were varied. On the upside, both the team's runners learned to dodge thanks to some fortuitous doubles being rolled, but on the downside, lineman Thor Kilval was turned into a sort of viking paste.

The Blackwater Bilgerunners had some significant successes in their outings. Linerat Stumptail learned Dauntless, marking him as a sort of secret weapon against big guys. Piddlepaw the gutter runner, after an entirely ridiculous four touchdown performance against some goblins, learned Sure Feet, while his associate Dingleberry mutated himself some Extra Arms and the towering O'Rattigan took Stand Firm on his level up. Finally, a new linerat by the name of Notchear was added to the mix.

The BloodDrunk Berserkers had one game, and the results were not pleasant. A few points were awarded, but most notable were the niggling injury picked up by beastman Bone Chewer and the gruesome death of chaos warrior Halford Heartripper.

The Darkmire Carnosaurs did well for their first outings, and though Kakayo Puddlejumper was throttled out of a movement point in one game, he regained it later on in a level-up. Toka Reedrush was another skink to get faster, and Huila Windwhip picked up Sidestep and topped the team with eight Star Player Points.

Gildengrip's Goldminers made an appearance at Blood Bowl Day, and made a strong showing of it. Line dwarf Willron Weldon learned the Guard ability, and runner Gilgarry Goldrush picked up Block after his touchdown and MVP performance. Though he learned Mighty Blow, blitzer Cooper O'Copper's day was soured slightly when he was slapped with a niggling injury.

Also making a brief appearance were the Mount Darkham Gryphons, a human squad fielded by the coach of the Smash and Go'nads. Their victory was well-played, particularly by "The Presence" John McElroy at quarterback, and "Shake and Bake" Blake Baker at receiver, who far and away had the most amusing name at the entire event. The former picked up the Strong Arm skill while the latter increased his movement rate.

The Muenster Valley Stinkers easily had the worst night of the lot. Five games, each one a loss, saw a litany of injuries and a pair of deaths. Goblins Slappy Sloptongue and Armpit Goozer met their respective ends, the latter after learning Sidestep in a previous encounter. Among the permanent but not fatal injuries suffered by others were a loss of strength and a niggling injury for Punchy Clognostril, an agility down for Donker Dungheap, Armour penalties for Nudgy Bangfart and Kicky Mudgob, and a niggling injury for bombardier Blaggat Horkbag. The only bright spots on this day were the discipline of the team's trolls, who didn't eat a single goblin all day, and Ziddy Blotch, who learned sure feet and was given the captaincy for not dying. The Stinkers were also able to hire on a fanatic, one Whirly Early.

The Pancake Valley Shortstacks fared much better than their equally stunty counterparts, though possibly only because they knew when to quit. Cream Sugarfoot had two touchdowns in their lone game, earning him the Sprint ability.

The Razor Hill Spinebreakers played very well, with all but three players earning points of one kind or another, and one of them actually leveling up twice! Kiro Stormaxe was the blitzer in question, collecting a whopping 23 Star Player Points en route to picking up the Sure Hands and Fend skills. Fellow Blitzer Soran Steelfury had a kill and learned Strip Ball, and two black orcs, Kolark Bonefist and Brakgul Bloodsnarl, each got Block. Bonefist also had a fatality attributed to him. After the day was done, the orcs made matters worse for their opponents by adding troll Zor Loneblow to the team. From what I can tell after one day, the Spinebreakers are going to be one hell of a fun team to watch.

The Sun Temple Chupacabras had a couple of strong games, and were rewarded by saurus El Mucho Grande getting faster and skink Harpo Xtopilopicoatl picking up the Side Step skill. Aditionally, Meepo Xtopilopicoatl became the latest of the Xtopilopicoatl siblings to join the team.
Finally, the Traumatic Takedown had a day full of pleasant surprises, as line dwarf Rip Tendon picked up two casualties and a kill, and hobgoblin Ortho Pnoea got Block on a level up. Perhaps the most impressive of all, however, is centaur Charlie Horse, who, after getting an agility increase last season, followed up by learning Dodge on Blood Bowl Day. The only downside for the Takedown was line dwarf The Buccinator getting an armour penalty.

With all said and done, there's going to be a lot of heavy competition in the MMBBL this coming season! Many of the newer teams picked up significant amounts of Star Player Points and won't be rushing into the season without anything to build on. Only two squads came up worse than they started, and neither of their coaches is particularly discouraged. The regular season kicks off on the 30th of September, so look for more posts here and there before then!

Wardoves Edge Meathooks in Thrilling Fashion

And here we are, down to the last quarterfinal match for the MMBBL Blood Bowl tournament! In this brutal installment, the heavy-hitting Meathooks square off against the high-flying Blueriver Wardoves, led once more by the inspiring presence of Prince Moranian, for a berth in the group two semifinal. Who will prevail? Who will survive? Who will clean up the mess afterwards? Read on to find out.

As the fans piled into their seats, the pleasant weather began to blow through on a stiff wind from the South. Kickoff saw what little shade remained disappear, and as Meathooks thrower Biggs McStabstab went to pick up the ball, the sun turned its fury to face the pitch, raising the temperature well past the comfort zone of the players. The Wardoves summoned their few cool breeze elementals, and the Meathooks took turns sitting in the refreshment tub to beat the heat. As the drive began, some showed early signs of fatigue, as McStabstab collapsed on the pitch soon after retrieving the ball. Offsetting the mistake, however, were Beef Bigaxe and Moose Burger, each knocking out an elf and securing a numerical advantage. Dodging nimbly through the orc line, several elves made breaks towards the ball, but Biggs McStabstab, heat-crazed and delirious, managed to pick up the ball again, yell at it, and hurl it towards Hammish the goblin. Upon catching it, Hammish was surrounded by his teammates in a protective cage formation. With practiced skill that came from hours of diet training and upper body workout, Gristly Slötturhaus scooped the little guy up and hurled him downfield. Landing safely, Hammish went untouched into the end zone. My, but that goblin can move!

With most players enduring the heat but several succumbing, the two teams returned to the field for the next drive. As the kick went off and Bendark Mossfang went to start the offense, Ramrod Meatmissile began the defense with a blatant foul against Angruil Grimmrose and was ejected from the match. Mossfang, the league's leading passer, went about business as usual, finding Fhorin Bloodmeadow with a pass in the gap left by Meatmissile's departure. Perhaps his mind wasn't entirely on the game, or perhaps the heat got to him, but Bloodmeadow somehow managed to trip up on the goal line before I could get the ball across. Luckily, the orc zone defense was far behind him, and he was able to stand up, dust himself off neatly, wave to some lucky lady in the crowd, and walk the ball in for the tying point.

Lining up their defense, the Wardoves showed little interest in confronting the slower orc offense in the dying seconds of the first half. Leaving only the required minimum of presence on the line of scrimmage, the bulk of the elf forces stayed well back in the secondary. With Gristly Slötturhaus declaring the charge by clobbering Valandil Dreadlily, the orc line surged forward, only to be stopped in their tracks, puzzled, as the Wardoves began an elaborate dance routine. The stadium support crew quickly caught on, and the Meathooks could only look on as the elves mocked their latest assault until the whistle blew. In this latest battle between orc and elf, it was clear just who had gotten served. The two teams returned to their locker rooms, the score knotted at one.

Receiving once again to start the second half, the Wardoves put together yet another of their signature, lightning-quick scoring plays. Bendark Mossfang, having retrieved the football, surveyed the field from the safety of the pocket, as his receivers coursed like gazelles down the field. In particular, Tish Killwillow was eluding coverage masterfully, and was therefore the prime choice of receivers for Mossfang to connect with. One sailing, soaring pass later, the ball was in Killwillow's surprisingly soft hands, and he was in a bed of not surprisingly soft pillows laid down by the Wardoves cheerleaders, leaping into the end zone to the delight of his fans. Could the Meathooks respond?

With flash and theatrics uncharacteristic of orckind, they did just that. Play began, Biggs McStabstab relayed the ball to Hammish, and the diminutive scoring machine pointed out to a spot downfield. Was he calling the shot? an onslaught of orcish offensive line work obscured the ref's view as the Meathooks' newly-hired backup goblin, Pork Rind, scampered onto the field bearing one of Tsih Killwillow's pillows! The Wardove defensive coordinators attempted to alert the ref to the situation, but before they could flag him down, Hammish was airborne. Sure enough, he flew right towards the pillow-bearing backup. Landing softly in a mocking pose, Hammish touched down and strutted into the end zone, making several rude gestures along the way.

At last, the heat and haze began to dissipate, but only because the sun's intense heat was replaced by intense brightness. Still, most players gladly accepted the trade of sweltering heat for mere dazzling sunlight. Confident that a back-and-forth battle such as this was playing well into their strategy, the Wardoves again set up their offense. With Mossfang recovering the football and tossing a rocket of a pass downfield to Fhorin Bloodmeadow, everything seemed to be going right for the elves. Everything, that is, until out of nowhere, Beefquake the black orc got his big mitt in the way, hauling down the pass for an unthinkable interception. The Wardoves fans were in shock, and the Meathooks fans were in a frenzy! Stomping downfield in his steel-toed boots, Beefquake was rallied around by his teammates - until his own feet tied him up and sent the massive blocker down in a corpulent heap. Still hanging close to the play, Bendark Mossfang swooped in to pick up the loose ball, and launched a pass to Angruil Grimmrose without so much as a second glance. The catcher was true to his route, and was still where he should have been. Catching the ball, he was virtually unchallenged in claiming the go-ahead touchdown.

The fans had switched gears entirely now, with the Wardoves faithful whooping and hollering, while the Meatheads' cries of victory turned into wails of anguish. In the confusion, someone - no one is sure who - had disposed of the referee, and the Meathooks grinned widely as they set their offense one more time, eager to finally play a game on bloodier terms. Setting up for the obvious goblin toss, the orcs were countered by an equally obvious - but safe - goal line stop defense from the elves. Pork Rind, the plucky little goblin, was in place, given the ball, and quickly surrounded by his biggest, meanest teammates. Suddenly, from nowhere, came Tsih Killwillow, positively livid at the theft of one of his professionally-fluffed pillows. Breaking formation, the nimble Killwillow charged headlong at the well-protected goblin, and at the last second took a flying leap over the wall of green flesh in his way. Coming down hard, with no turning back, Killwillow extended his right leg and drop-kicked the hapless Pork Rind in the skull. All the goblin could do was grab hold of the leg and twist, and the two of them went down in a heap, Tish needing to be carted off and the goblin lying stunned on the pitch. With time running out and Pork Rind not back to his senses, rage overtook the orc offense. Gristly Slötturhaus grabbed the little fellow anyway and pitched him overhand downfield towards the elves, hoping to exact revenge with some measure of goblin-related injury. The throw missed its mark, and Pork Rind was left to sort himself out as the whistle blew and Wardoves fans flooded the field in victory. Onward go the Blueriver Wardoves to meet the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters in the semifinal match! Homeward go the Meathooks, this disappointing season behind them.

MVPs of the match were line elf Dellin Finchtalon of the Wardoves, who displayed fantastic speed all game long, and Grunt Skunchman of the Meathooks. If anything was learned on this day, it is that you do not, under any situation, come between an elf and his designer bed ware.

Now the semifinals are set, sportsfiends! Dwarves and Skaven, Elves and Undead! Who will advance on the road to victory, and who will be mere speedbumps along the way? Check back again soon to find out!

A Double Dose of Doves! An Awful lot of Orcs!

It's your favorite Coach Wrangler here, taking a break from herding those havoc heralding homeboys who haphazardly head our favorite teams.

Once again, I'm scribing the following matches somewhat live from the best seats, whilst a P.A.G.E. scribes down what I say. That's a Pen Arcanely Granted Expatiation, the latest magical convenience I've acquired recently.

As I look around, I see the 21,000 fans piling into their seats below me. Only one third of these seem to be here to see the Brutakai Ragefangs, whilst the rest have arrived in their silvers, whites and blues to cheer on the Wardoves! The High Elves from Blueriver will have the fan support tonight, that's for sure!

The coin toss is made, and the Doves are up to kick first. A gust of wind blows the ball through the clear blue sky and lands right in the grass next to Krak Toothsnapper, a thrower. What luck for the Ragefangs! They're forming the cage right away around the ball, an always-smart maneuver for a tough band of Greenskins. The Doves have always had trouble with this one, but their Coach seems to have thought up a counter-strategy. Yes, he's setting the team up like a wall in front of the cage, with not even a lineman within arm's reach of the Orcs' frontmen. This is gonna be a slow one!

They march towards the Elven line, and I see Xarnak Bloodrage has burst through! The Doves' wall hangs back a bit and I see the Elves going to deal with the Ragefang Blitzer. Around the sides of the cage formation I see some Elves slipping around. Oooh! Star Catcher Tsih Killwillow just took a mean stomping from equally famed blitzer Raziek Bloodrage. Picking up the trash is elf blitzer Albiir Featherdeath, who slips into the back of the cage after knocking Line orc Holo Axegut out cold! He's face to face with ball-carrier Krak Toothsnapper.

Tsih is up again, and I see him scramble back around to fill in a gap left in the Wardoves' wall formation. By the gods! I can't explain it in any other way but...the cage formation just erupted into a green tornado! Violence aplenty, and most important to the orcs, that ruthless blitzer Featherdeath is well out of Krak's face now. Xarnak Bloodrage and rightly-named Brax Elfeater sandwich the hapless elven lineman Pynian Grassripper, and the Bloodrage Blitzer slips away and is mere feet from the Wardove end zone! The elven wall is crumbling, folks...

The Wardoves have thrown caution to the wind now, and a brawl has erupted deep in their side of the pitch. The Elves are focusing their blocking on Krak, who stubbornly refuses to give up the ball but...wait! The ball is loose! Krak has been knocked over and the ball is free! It's landed just outside of the fracas. Featherdeath got him back in the end, it seems. What was that wet crack I just heard? Ouch! It seems that Kragor Clawfang has put his 3-MVP winning fists to good work and sends elf catcher Angruil Grimmrose out. We'll have to see if the Apothecaries can get him back in shape.

The Ragefangs are showing the Doves just who is better in the blocking game here, and an impressive chain of blocks have shoved the elven defense out of the brawl. Orc lineman Rigor Stonestomper is in possession of the ball now. Ooof! Xarnak just took a spill, and there's line elf Stryth Leafmauler putting his cleats on his face! The ref didn't notice it seems. Ha! Them's the breaks Mr.Bloodrage! Krak is handed the ball again, and is suddenly beset by elves from all sides! Elf blitzer Fhorin Bloodmeadow comes out of nowhere and gives an impressive toss to Albiir Featherdeath who dekes out the last orc in his way before crossing the Ragefang end zone! That elf can sure run! Wow! 1-0 Wardoves!

I've just heard back from the Wardoves' infirmary that Angruil Grimmrose is back up and running for the next drive. And here it comes... though, to be honest there's not much time left on the clock for the first half.

Wardoves kick, and a quick snap from the Ragefangs allows line orc Ruushnak Nightwrath the chance to catch the kick and toss it to blitzer Raziek Bloodrage. A few blocks get thrown, even by the heartthrob Tsih Killwillow, who K.O.'s Xarnak Bloodrage. The Wardoves back-flip away from the orc line and as a lead in to some kind of halftime show, begin an impressive dance as the ref blows the whistle. You got served, Clan Brutakai!

Taunting an orc, however, is never wise. Especially with dance. It seems from now on this friendly rivalry will become a lot less civil. I'd watch my back if I was a high elf from Blueriver.

The orcs set up to kick for the first drive of the second half. This time the elves are on the ball with a quick snap. Potential Silver Elbow-winner Bendark Mossfang puts his foot on the ball while watching the rest of the team play their beginning tactics. Tsih smashes past the wide zone orcish line with an assist, stunning black orc Kozu Ironhide and slipping into the orcish defense. His efforts are met with a stunning blow from the orc gauntlet, a new defensive play by the Ragefangs. Raziek Bloodrage wipes the glitter off his hands and the orc captain calls his greenskins to keep the line steady.

Elves slip past the orc line from all sides, while elf thrower Mossfang kicks the ball nonchalantly into his hands and stays deep in his own side of the pitch. We know those keen eyes are just waiting for an open catcher. Orcs are surrounding the elven offense now, though I see Angruil signaling for a pass. Mossfang makes his throw! Or... wait! No! He's dropped it! Bendark's dropped the ball at his own feet! Black orc Kozu Ironhide plows into the elven thrower and I think he's unconscious. Xarnak Bloodrage, orc blitzer, nails Albiir Featherdeath to the ground and judging from the blood I think he's out for the game, folks. Raziek Bloodrage races in to scoop up the ball. The elven offense scrambles back to try to salvage the situation. Are those pointy-eared treehuggers fast or what?! Raziek is down, and the ball is free again. Mossfang is up and he picks up the ball with a steely look of determination on his fine features. He runs a circle around the orcish offensive line and... He doesn't pass it but hands it off to line elf Mlalyn Firefawn, who runs even farther up the field. He makes the pass to Fhorin Bloodmeadow! Touchdown! It's 2-0 for the Wardoves, and not too much time left for the Brutakai Ragefangs to turn this one around.

The Blueriver Wardoves set up for the next drive. They kick it high, and yet another quick snap by the Ragefangs starts off a fierce offensive drive. Xarnak K.O.'s new line elf Finchtalon and the orcs follow the powerful blitzer through the thin elven line. The Doves fall back again, in their third backpedal maneuver, to tie up the Bloodrage Blitzer Brothers. Krak Toothsnapper has the ball, and the orc thrower lobs a big one into the hands of Xarnak Bloodrage. Raziek takes a spill trying to get away from those pesky elves and he knocks his head too hard on the ground I think. He's out cold! The Doves' defense flock in and now Xarnak has been knocked flat. The ball is free, and now it's been picked up by Prok Fleshdrinker. He makes a pass to Kragor Clawfang who seems home-free for the touchdown, but...ohh! That was the whistle! Time's up for this game. Kragor crosses the line anyways, just to show how close he was. Maybe next time Kragor. The Wardoves keep their 2-0 victory against the Ragefangs.

MVPs for this match are being announced now... Stryth Leafmauler for the Blueriver Wardoves for his expertise at the art of Blocking, and Rigor Stonestomper for doing what he could when it mattered. Also of note is the increasingly accurate passes of Ragefangs thrower Krak Toothsnapper and of Fhorin Bloodmeadow with a signature dodge-ending dropkick sure to get him out of the shadow of the speedy Albiir Featherdeath.

I'll be turning off the P.A.G.E. now until the next match I'm scheduled to report. I'm even going to travel with the Wardoves to the next stadium. Should be quite a time!

... It's me again! Activating my trusty magical scribe. Now, to be honest... I didn't really enjoy my trip with the Wardoves. I won't get into details but it involved some strange-tasting wines, horses that smelled a bit TOO nice, and a make-over... for me.

For this next match, the Wardoves are going up against the acclaimed Meathooks in yet another challenge match. The game is taking place in a very impromptu stadium, as the main grounds detonated recently due to structural issues...I don't see how bad architecture can cause explosions, but there you have it. The game is taking place in the surrounding farmlands, and the fresh white paint of the lines is giving off that 'new pitch smell' that I'm sure will be quickly replaced with that 'new horrible sucking chest wound smell'.

Ye gods are there ever a lot of fans. I think the official gate is 35,000. Is that a record? It might be. I can't really tell, but the supportive cheers seems to lean slightly in the Meathooks favour. We'll see if it helps at all.

Still, I can barely see the field, and I'm still trying to find a good spot to watch and...oh! They've begun! I see the ball in the air after the opening kick. I can't even tell who kicked it. Um...this gentleman here says the Wardoves just kicked it. O.K....I'll take his word for it.

I caught a glimpse of the opening play, the orcs have cleared open the elven line and that lumbering troll and the goblin Hammish have moved up. Prince Moranian does an impressive attack and sends the monster to the ground. Hang on...Moranian is here?! It appears so... Goodness. I can barely see anything at all. Oh wait! I see Hammish flying through the air above the horizon of fans I have to contend with. He has the ball! Now everyone is cheering...um...I guess there was a Touchdown! Erm...1-0 Meathooks! Good show!

It's the next kick, I just saw it go up. Oh, hello ladies...I think I just landed in a Killwillow fan club of sorts. Quite the friendly bunch of maidens and...Why are they screaming? Oh my! It seems that Meathooks black orc T-Boner just killed line elf Mlalyn Firefawn! No...No wait...Their apothecary just put his head back on right...He still looks terrible though. Augh! More screams! Bendark Mossfang has just been killed by Ramrod Meatmissile of the Meathooks! No, wait. Apothecary on the scene again. Crisis averted. Ok, what's going on now? I just saw the ball being thrown by...who? By Albiir Featherdeath, the blitzer? Thank you miss, it seems elf catcher Angruil Grimmrose has caught it and crosses into the Meathooks endzone! The score is tied at 1-1.

My ears are killing me... Too many screaming women... It's like I'm back home. Ok, I see the next kickoff has begun. I'm watching this from the Meathook's dugout. I don't know how I got here, but it's a decent view. Biggs McStabstab throws the ball to goblin Bacon Sandwich. That troll tosses the poor whelp into the air and he crash lands! Oooh! What's this? Finchtalon, the newcomer, is making a dramatic elbow drop on the downed goblin! Oooh! Look at the blood! The ref saw that one, no doubt. They're bringing the broken greenskin midget in here. I'd better hide...

The apothecary is putting him back together, seems his head flew off. Duct tape will fix anything, for certain. The good doctor is going to tell the coach the good news. Ah, seems he was so happy the goblin survived that the coach is coming in here personally to... Oh! Gods no! He's stabbing him! The Meathooks coach is stabbing the poor Bacon Sandwich to death! He's standing over the cooling corpse and proclaims to the poor thing that he's fired. What a cold, unfeeling gree- Uh oh. He saw me. Yipes!

...

... Ok, I seem to be safe now. The half ended while I was running away. Seems the score is still tied at 1-1 at the beginning of the second half. I still can't see over the hordes of fans. I'm sure it's the orcs kicking, there goes the ball. I hear something, Bendark Mossfang, the elf thrower must have picked it up and I see the throw! Touchdown! By who? Oh! It was rising star player Tsih Killwillow! I can tell because I hear those maidens signing his theme song "Ode to Tsih, please sleep with me"... Not a very subtle theme is it? 2-1 Wardoves at any rate.

There goes the elves kicking the ball to the Meathooks. My word! Someone just tossed a rock into the fray! I think I saw Valandil Dreadlily take it in the head! He's down for the moment and Biggs McStabstab tosses the ball to Hammish the goblin. I see where this is going... No wait, no I don't. I wish these blasted fans could stop pushing me around! Meathooks fans are a little too handsy for me. I see Hammish in the air again with the ball! That troll must be well fed today! Ooh! I heard the crack! I don't think the poor thing landed right. The ref's blown his whistle! It seems Valandil was copying Finchtalon and elbow-dropped the fallen goblin a bit too obviously. Still, the game continues... I hear something... Yes! Meathooks touchdown! Hammish got back up and pulled off another tying score! It's at 2-2!

Orcs kicking again... I see the ball in the air. I hear the elf thrower Mossfang calling out his throw, and again I hear Angruil's returning cry. The ball is thrown and again we see a lightning fast touchdown in the very late seconds of the game. Though I guess I only heard that one... Anyway, 3-2 for the Wardoves! There's not but a few seconds left on the clock. The fans are already filing out...

Maybe I can just... Yes! I'm finally at the front of the crowd! I can see clearly the Doves' final play. They've only fielded three linemen against a full line of orcs. The troll and Hammish are on the Widezone, looking very determined still despite a clear loss. The elves in the dugout are already celebrating their third victory of the summer season.

Wait! Stop everything! Hammish has the ball, he's leaping into the troll's waiting grasp! Like hideous green poetry in motion, the goblin is flung through the air and he lands like a... Like a snot-covered tissue in the Wardoves endzone. It's a tie game! 3-3! Hammish turns and drops trou right before the faces of the gawking Wardoves, and makes some very rude actions I'm not sticking around to see!

That took a lot out of me... All that scrambling through the fans. I'm renting a flying carpet next time. Or maybe I'll just scry the whole game. In any case, the MVPs are being announced now. It's Tsih Killwillow for the Blueriver Wardoves, who's acrobatic display always leaves his opponents in the dust, and Beef Bigaxe for being exactly what you'd expect Beef Bigaxe to be.

Seemed like an exciting game, winning new attention for both teams. This is the MMBBL's official Coach Wrangler, the Magical Mister Mudd signing off. Coming up next, from your regularily scheduled reporter, is the final challenge match between the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and the Traumatic Takedown!

See you there! I'll be watching that one from home...

Chaos Dwarves Weather Khemri Storm; Ragefangs Best Meathooks in Thriller

Week four is underway in the MMBBL, featuring the bone-crushing exploits of the Bloodbath division. Two divisional matches took place last night, as the Bloodsand Blasters squared off against the Traumatic Takedown and the Brutakai Ragefangs faced the Meathooks in a highly anticipated all-orc showdown.

Game one was a quick and dirty affair, marked by multiple miscues on each side. Still, as the first meeting of the two newcomer teams in Bloodbath, it was an exciting contest and the fans ate it up. The chaos dwarf fans, anyway. The skeletal supporters at least had something to chew on.Winning the coin toss, the Takedown elected to receive first. Shorthanded due to the death of line dwarf Third Degree Bernie, a hobgoblin journeyman was brought in to fill the gap, and fit in well enough with his fellow hobs from the get-go.

To start off their possession, Ortho Pnoea lobbed a pas forward to Busitis "Bruce" Olecranon, who chose his running route carefully and patiently, waiting for the right moment to burst downfield. The moment came as Mad Maxilla, frothing at the beard and hooting like a maniac, sent skeleton lackey Gus Sarcopha sprawling to the dirt with a broken jaw. Olecranon seized the opportunity and was a blur down the sideline, with the much slower Khemri forces either oblivious or too slow to stop the score. To the delight of the crowd, hobgoblins Pnoea, Olecranon and Perry Carditis joined together for an emphatic high-fiving in the end zone. Mad Maxilla attempted to assist the festivities, but came up short and had to settle for congratulations from the voices inside his head. After the play, Sarcopha was seen once again on the Blasters' sidelines, having regenerated completely from the wound.

as the next drive started, disaster seemed to strike for the Blasters. The once sunny sky turned dark with rain, and the Khemri team, hard-pressed to pick up the ball even in normal conditions, now had even less of a chance to get their bony fingers around the football. As luck would have it, however, the kick from the Traumatic Takedown was shallow and short, and resulted in a touchback. The ball was given to Cairo Practor, and the Blasters' skeletons quickly moved to surround and protect their chosen carrier.

Now came the powerful mummies to make up for their disappointingly passive performance in their first match. The hits came down hard from the bandaged brutes, knocking out dwarves, hobgoblins and even the mighty centaur Charlie Horse. As the defenders dwindled, Cairo Practor shuffled steadily down the field. The Khemri demonstrated their brutal and unapologetic nature, pressing their newfound numbers advantage and fouling the Takedown with impunity. The officials had been warned beforehand that this was their style, and as a result both Cal Ciferous and Sahket Toomi were ejected from the match for some blatant kickings and stranglings. With the odds no longer so favourable, Cairo Practor stumbled into the end zone as fast as he could, and the score was knotted at one apiece.

To the dismay of the Bloodsand Blasters, the weather began to clear up again once the next drive began. Compounding their chagrin and also the Takedown's joy, nearly every dwarf and hobgoblin who'd been sent off for a nap by the mummies had awakened and returned to the field. The small mercy for the undead was that apparently, Charlie Horse had been hit hard enough to remain asleep. The second half was underway with a truly mediocre kick from the Blasters, making for an an easy pickup and toss by Plex Fracture to the unnamed journeyman. The unfortunate reserve then handed off to Busitis Olecranon, and just in time. No sooner than he had released the football, the hobgoblin was set upon my a frenzied Helter Skeleter. Skeleter, motivated by some possessive force, tore both of the unlucky fellow's arms from their sockets before crushing his skull and absorbing his life force completely. While this soul-stealing may be repulsive to some, it makes for some great water cooler conversations the next day!

The Khemri maiming spree didn't end there. West Nile Cyrus, the bloated, shambling team captain, tackled dwarf blocker Spleenic Pain hard enough to put him in traction for his team's next match. Shortly thereafter, Dirty Suez mauled Plex Fracture and dragged him to he Takedown infirmary himself, tossed him into a cot and muttered "This one ain't done yet" before returning to the game. Fracture did not return before the match's end. With time winding down and not enough line support to break through to the end zone, Bruce Olecranon lobbed a sort one to Perry Carditis and the whistle blew right after the catch. The final score, a one to one tie, but not a bad game by any stretch for either squad.

The MVPs of our first match were the towering Charlie Horse of the Traumatic Takedown, presumably for not being significantly maimed, and Durdurhotep of the Bloodsand Blasters, presumably for threatening the announcers if they said otherwise. When asked how they felt about their dubious awards, Horse responded with a confident "ow", while Durdurhotep bellowed "Daah, my touch corrupts the living!" And proceeded to cover our correspondent with dust. After the match, it was learned that each team had spent its considerable winnings on new players. The Blasters now have a dedicated thrower in the addition of one Hork Ptah, while the Takedown get bigger, meaner, and smellier by signing a second centaur named Dead Leg.

Our second match of the evening was one of the most highly anticipated of the season - green versus green, orc against orc, as the Brutakai Ragefangs and the Meathooks, each coming off a loss, clashed for bragging rights among all orckind. The Ragefangs were tough, but didn't think themselves invincible, and therefore hired on the enormous Ripper Bolgrot to tip the scales for them.

The Ragefangs were set to receive in the clear, warm evening air, though the chants of "D-fence! D-fence!" from the crowd may have soured the mood for them a bit. It certainly didn't throw off the game of Kozu Ironhide, as the black orc throttled Meathooks lineman Lockjaw, putting him out of commission for the Meathooks' next match with an ugly arm fracture. This garnered most of the crowd's attention, even as Krak Toothsnapper hurled a pass to Raziek Bloodrage, who caught the football with practiced ease. The skilled blitzer took off down the field, as all around him Meathooks defenders scrambled, fell, and could only watch as Raziek stormed into the end zone, conveniently posing in front of a poster for his recently-sponsored flavour of sports drink, Razberry Rush. A refreshing start to the game for all those Brutakai "Ragefans" indeed!

The wind picked up a bit as the Meathooks got ready to receive on the next drive, but the errant ball was still scooped up by the plucky Hammish with relative ease. Running quickly into place behind teammate Gristly Slötturhaus, Hammish was picked up by the lumbering troll and chucked down the pitch in a textbook example of a troll having already eaten before the match. Hammish hit the ground safely, but found himself in the midst of the Ragefangs secondary. As quickly as he had landed, Hammish began to regret it as Raziek Bloodrage and Kodish Manhammer bore down on the stunty fellow, sandwiching him and knocking the ball loose. Picking up the lost rock was Gor Knifelicker, who might have made something of a play if not for the distraction caused by Xarnak Bloodrage when the blitzer took a spill at midfield and had to be carted off. Out of the chaos on the line of scrimmage came Beef Bigaxe, the meaty marvel himself, to rob Knifelicker of the ball on his way to the end zone. Raziek made his move to stop the more experienced player, but was shrugged off by the hulking Beef. Bigaxe then had an easy run to the end zone and the score was brought to a tie as the Meathooks captain was showered with assorted delicious (if not identifiable) meat by-products.

With little time left in the first half, a high kick from the Meathooks was caught by Krak Toothsnapper, but without time enough for a sustained drive. The halftime whistle sounded with the score tied at one, and the crowd loving every minute of it.

With the start of the second half came another drive by the Meathooks. A quick snap caught the defense off guard, and Pickles made his move to secure the ball. His handoff to Hamish subsequently failed, however, as the previous mashing dealt to him by the Ragefangs seemed to have left Hammish rattled. Hammish did recover the ball eventually, but was knocked on his backside by Rigor Stonestomper, and the ball bounced neatly back into the line orc's hands. Unfortunately for Stonestomper, the moment was short-lived as Moose Burger came crashing into him from the side, knocking him out cold. Again, Hammish struggled to get ahold of the ball to pass to a wide-open Rip Steakface, but fumbled once more! Kozu Ironhide pressed his advantage in the confusion, sending Hammish reeling and the ball bouncing freely, in and out of the stands, before being picked up by Raziek Bloodrage once more. With the pesky ball out of the way, Ironhide was once again free to pick on Hammish, and the little fellow was hurled into the stands. Luckily he landed among Meathooks fans, who merely teased him as they tossed him down the line to the dugout. Seemingly unstoppable as he cruised down the field, Raziek Bloodrage scored his second touchdown of the match, sending a message to the rest of the MMBBL which clearly said "MVP".

With little time to dilly-dally, the Meathooks looked once more to Hammish to carry their hopes through the cooling evening air. Taking the handoff well from Pickles, Hammish was expertly lobbed to his destiny by Slötturhaus once more...only to completely bail on the landing. Though unharmed beyond a mouthful of dirt, the failed landing gave the Ragefangs a chance to intensify coverage, and in the end, they left the Meathooks no option but to accept defeat. The final score was two to one for the revitalized Brutakai Ragefangs.

MVP accolades were awarded to Raziek Bloodrage of the Ragefangs (a more deserving performance we have yet to see this season) and to T-Boner of the Meathooks, who threw many key blocks in the loss. While the Deathdealer division is being led by the heavily favoured Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, the Bloodbath division is still completely up in the air, with the Bloodsand Blasters owning a narrow lead and the veteran Meathooks sitting in a distant third spot. Anything can happen in the next few weeks, though, so stay tuned for more bone-crunching, blood-letting, and ear-pulling action!

Skaven Screech Past Takedown, Meathooks Outduel Go'nads

The Commish here once again, with the game reports from two of the three challenge matches taking place this weekend. My esteemed associate the Coach Wrangler will have the third match details after he's finished playing in that very game!

Our first game of the day saw a clash of newcomers, with the Blackwater Bilgerunners issuing the challenge to fellow expansion squad Traumatic Takedown. With fine weather and an even spread of fans, the skaven won the coin toss and elected to receive first. Strangely enough, the weather changed as soon as the first kickoff was made, and the sun became fiercely bright, blinding everyone in the cheap seats and causing trouble for the passing game.

What would be expected from a crunchy team of rats going up against a more robust force of hobgoblins, dwarves and a centaur? Certainly not the first casualty being caused by a linerat named Stumptail. The plucky blocker threw down against hobgoblin Plex Fracture, leaving the hapless rookie to be carted away by the Takedown's stretcher crew, and listed as "not bloody likely" for the team's next match. Following the hit, skaven thrower Fivel Mausketrap made a successful pass to gutter runner Piddlepaw. Hounded by the chaos dwarves' centaur Charlie Horse, Piddlepaw made a valiant effort to escape but in the end was shoved clean through a sideline billboard and into the fans, who merely carried him back to his dugout unharmed. The ball was still free on the pitch, though, and Fivel Mausketrap once again got his paws on it and carried it over the goal line for the first scoring play of the game.

The remainder of the first half was largely uneventful, with the Takedown's offense sputtering slightly with an universal case of butterfingers. Just as they seemed to be getting their act together, bad turned to worse as skaven blitzer Jenner attacked dwarf lineman Third Degree Bernie. Somehow, the dwarf's grungy beard got caught in the rat's jaws, and the strength of dwarven facial hair being what it is, simply could not be dislodged. With a great effort from Jenner, he tore himself free - and took most of Bernie's face with him. As per his request, Third Degree Bernie's remains were incinerated on the pitch, and his charred bones distributed among his fans at halftime.

As the second half began, the fans were in a state of extreme agitation. Whether angered at the loss of Third Degree Bernie or simply prone to bouts of generic belligerence, the chaos dwarf supporters poured out onto the field to take their frustration out on the skaven team's players. In response, the rat fanatics spilled forth over the guardrails and trampled across the pitch as well. Fortunately for both squads, the damage was minimal, and aside from a few players from each squad taking a brief nap in the dirt, the game continued as normal. With a handful of key defenders down, however, the skaven were not able to apply a complete pass coverage, and Perry Carditis, self-styled hobgoblin quarterback, launched a deep, soaring bomb of a pass downfield, into the arms of fellow hobgoblin Ortho Pnoea, who made a stellar one-handed grab and was home free for the equalizing touchdown. The fans went absolutely nuts, which admittedly wasn't too far from their regular states of mind.

Going nuts, however, was just the tip of the iceberg. It seemed that between the touchdown and the setup for the next kickoff, the skaven fans had begun leaving the stadium! The chaos dwarf fans had a good laugh, thinking the rat men had called it quits after seeing the hobgoblins make such a difficult play look easy. The joke was on them, though, as the skaven fans then poured out of the tunnels and onto the pitch, positively thrashing the Takedown players. Several dwarves came down out of the stands to retaliate, but their damage was merely a footnote on the skaven page of brutality, and more than a half-dozen chaos dwarf players were left stunned. With no way to stop the speedy gutter runners in their current state, the Takedown could only watch as Dingleberry trotted into the end zone to reclaim the lead.

The match was more controlled from that point on, as several dozen security ogres were bussed in to keep things quieter in the stands. A loudmouth from either side refused to be calmed down, however, and they were quickly introduced to each other in midair when they collided fifty feet above the pitch after each was thrown out of his seat by a security ogre. Play finally resumed once more, with the chaos dwarf team at a significant disadvantage. Charlie Horse was knocked out on the previous drive and simply could not wake up. Outnumbered by the wily skaven, the Traumatic Takedown was too hard-pressed to get through coverage and stop another lightning-quick touchdown from Piddlepaw. Cheese rained from the stands and most of the Takedown's fans began to file out in defeat. All there was time for with time running short was a half-hearted toss from one hobgoblin to another, as Busitis "Bruce" Olecranon completed a pass to Perry Carditis to end the contest. The final tally was three to one for the Blackwater Bilgerunners.

MVPs of the match were Bilgerunners linerat Lamefist, for reasons we are unsure of, and Traumatic Takedown blocker Spleenic Pain, also without significant merit. True recognition goes out to several players, however. The Takedown's hobgoblin corps was stellar, with Perry Carditis earning his place as quarterback, and his teammates Olecranon and Pnoea demonstrating their nascent prowess as ball handlers. Among the skaven, credit is due to linerat Stumptail for his impressive blocking and to gutter runner Dingleberry for his impossible feats of agility. He'll certainly be one to watch, if we can actually see him move.

Our second game of the day showcased such admirable traits as resolve, determination and dedication, as well as such less-admirable but equally exciting traits as blood type, bone structure and pain threshold. The stubborn, stout Smash and Go'nads faced off against the maniacal Meathooks in a case of trench warfare. The Go'nads came off a disappointing tie versus the Blueriver Wardoves in their last match, while the Meathooks were taken by surprise when the upstart Bloodsand Blasters squeezed out a 1-0 victory against the orcs.

Hostilities opened with a high kick which couldn't be reined in by Dick Gozinia, but the dwarves were anything but discouraged. Stu Padasso, blitzed his way into the face of black orc Beefquake, who fell to the earth with a thunderous thump. The medics went to work quickly however, and the big fella shrugged off what could have been a crippling injury. To make matters worse for the Meathooks, Euin Whatarmy, dwarf troll slayer and all-around dangerous fellow, shoved star orc blitzer Beef Bigaxe into the restless crowd, and suffered for it as his hand was viciously smashed against the guardrail. Bigaxe is expected to be sidelined for his next game.

The orcs needed a response and they got one, from the hard-working Hamfist Goreguts. Goreguts lined up dwarf runner Adam Meway and ran him into the ground, leaving the sore dwarf out for the match and likely the next one too. The dwarves managed to get the ball moving downfield in the meantime, but couldn't capitalize on the drive when Stu Padasso took a tumble on the goal line and lost possession. In desperation, orc blitzer Moose Burger hurled the ball down the pitch, but there was no one nearby when it landed. For the time being, the Meathooks were happy just not to be trailing in a second consecutive game.

In the push to get back to the ball, line orc Hamfist Goreguts again left his boot mark on the match as he trampled runner Dick Gozinia, nearly breaking the dwarf's leg. The apothecaries were well prepared, though, and Gozinia was unscarred and rejoined the team the following drive. Picking up the loose ball, Moe Lester of the Smash and Go'nads attempted a deep pass of his own, only to drop the ball on the windup, dropping it off the helmet of lineman Eric Shun, who managed to hold onto it. Lester was seriously off his game today, as he subsequently failed to take the handoff from Shun immediately thereafter. The first half wound down without any actual scoring, though Lockjaw the line orc managed to shove Euin Whatarmy out of bounds and through a poorly assembled bleacher, and the troll slayer was removed from the match to deal with several dozen deep splinters.

Set to receive for the second half, the Meathooks prepped their famous goblin toss strategy, hoping that their better mobility would leave the dwarf team flagging behind them as they ran in for a touchdown. Regrettably the play couldn't get off the drawing board safely, as the dwarven coverage proved too good to eliminate threats to the goblins. Stu Padasso redeemed himself for his earlier gaffe by laying out the hapless Bacon Sandwich and leaving him with a permanent, chronic lower back injury. In brutal response, the mighty Beefquake charged into line dwarf Phil DeGrave, positively leveling the dwarf beneath his enormous girth and breaking his neck like a fortune cookie in a pile driver. The orcs hoped that this would afford them the space they needed for another shot at the goblin toss, but Hammish still couldn't get his grubby little mitts on it and it squirted free. Trying again, the determined little green man snatched up the football and scampered laterally until he was in the clear at midfield and tossed the ball across the pitch to the lurking Moose Burger. Burger couldn't get a handle on the wild throw though, and Dick Gozinia of the Go'nads instead scooped it up from where it lay. Gozinia attempted a high-risk handoff, but was not rewarded. Pouncing on the loose ball, Burger hurtled past the remaining dwarven defenders and spiked the football triumphantly in the end zone for the game's first score.

The Smash and Go'nads had little time to stage a comeback, but the Meathooks made it easy for them to get started. Another high kick allowed Dick Gozinia to get great field position, and Gil T. Azell cleared some space by shoving Grunt Skunchman out of bounds. Determined not to give an inch, though, line orc Rip Steakface throttled the aforementioned Azell, leaving him out of contention for the remainder of the match. The dwarves pressed and pushed, but couldn't make any headway. As time ran out, a suspicious bolt of lightning erupted from a hot air balloon drifting overhead, but if Hammish was its target, then the balloonist/sorcerer should be ashamed of himself, as the wily goblin nimbly dodged out of the bolt's path. Time finally ran out, with the final score a hard-fought one to nothing victory for the Meathooks.

This matches MVP accolades went to the Go'nads' Adam Meway, despite not having accomplished much at all, and to black orc Grunt Skunchman who was a protective force for his allies on the line of scrimmage.

Hopefully a day or two is enough time to digest all that carnage, sportsfiends, because you've still got the Wardoves/Ragefangs match to catch as well as prepare fro two big battles on Tuesday! it's Deathdealer division once again, with a Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters/Smash and Go'nads game followed by a Wardoves/Bilgerunners match! Until next time, folks!

Electrifying Elves Shock Meathooks

Hello again out there, sportsfiends! The final game of the Chaos Cup season took place on Tuesday night, and although there was no championship to fight for, the Blueriver Wardoves and the Meathooks both had plenty of motivation to get the win. The Elven squad once again brought the illustrious Prince Moranian on board to even the odds against the more veteran orcish squad.

With the sun shining and a cool breeze in the air, the two teams took to the field. The Wardoves won the coin toss and elected to kick first, though it proved costly in the early going as the ball sailed out of bounds and possession was given to the Meathooks' one-orc wrecking crew, Beef Bigaxe. The elves saw no danger, only opportunity, though, as Bigaxe was swiftly gang-piled by the elves. Emerging from the fray was receiver Sutlan Spearflower, who hurled a pass downfield to Fhorin Bloodmeadow, but the blitzer was unable to reel the ball in due to coverage. Again there was a brief scramble for the ball, but this time it was Meathooks lineman Ramrod Meatmissile emerging with possession. He found fellow lineman Hamfist Goreguts with a quick pass, but history seemed in the habit of repeating itself this day, as Goreguts was brought down as well after making a small running gain.

After this latest failed drive, it was blitzer Albiir Featherdeath making the recovery for the Wardoves, and, determined to put as much distance between the ball and his own end zone, threw a deep, deep pass to Fhorin Bloodmeadow. This time, Bloodmeadow made the catch, only to catch his foot on a stone and topple face-first into the pitch while dodging out of coverage. Young orc blitzer Moose Burger echoed the tactics of the elves, chucking the football as far as possible downfield, and he was surprisingly rewarded when Biggs McStabstab, nominally the only orc with any business throwing a pass, caught the long bomb and scored the unlikely touchdown. The opening point got the orc fans on their feet and screaming, though McStabstab celebrated only by handing the ball off to his teary-eyed mother Gertrude, who had sideline seats to watch her boy play.

Now came the Wardoves' turn on offense. What might have been a great kick was once again blown out of bounds by a strong gust of wind, and Bendark Mossfang started the drive with possession and good field position. The Meathooks weren't about to concede any field position but "face down and unconscious" however, and Chip Bonesaw brought two-hundred-and-eighty pounds of solid work ethic down on the head of Venspar Pondrazor, putting the elf out for the remainder of the match. His sacrifice was not in vain, though, and the distraction of carnage allowed the elves a scoring chance. Mossfang sailed a perfect pass to Tsih Killwillow in the open field, and the light-footed catcher strode untouched into the end zone for a series of electrifying poses, much to the thrill of every elven maiden in the stadium.

With the score tied at one apiece, the next kickoff couldn't proceed right away until a replacement ref had been found. It seemed that Gertrude McStabstab had become upset about what she felt was a missed call, and had to be ejected from the game after beating the halfling official to within an inch of his life. Mrs. McStabstab was escorted out of the arena, and it is rumoured that she's been offered contracts from several teams as a blitzer. When the matter was finally settled, the Meathooks lined up their now-famous special delivery play, and despite intelligent coverage from the Wardoves, the goblin toss was perfectly executed, and Hammish landed within a quick jog to the end zone. Just like that, the orcs had re-established their lead.

The half finished with no more points, but a superb catch by Prince Moranian. Despite double coverage and who knows what kind of smell, the flashy Moranian hauled in a stellar catch, though there wasn't enough time on the clock to complete another play before the half.

When the teams returned to the pitch after a brief intermission, the fans were even more uproarious than before. Concealed by the din and commotion, no one took notice when a man in a beer-hat filled with Mana Up soft drink stood up and hurled a scorching fireball down onto the field. As it plummeted towards the orc line, Rip Steakface unknowingly let rip a terrifying belch, and somehow the cacophonous passing of gas coupled with the myriad chemicals present in the orc's gastrointestinal tract diffused the baleful ball of flame entirely. The entire crowd roared and cheered, but the oblivious Steakface simply licked his lips and took his place on the line of scrimmage.

What happened next was a textbook example of selflessness in the interest of team success. Let it never be said that Tsih Killwillow isn't completely devoted to the Blueriver Wardoves' group success. Facing a world of hurt should the tactic fail, Killwillow threw a key block to give fellow catcher Sutlan Spearflower a clear break for the end zone. Once Bendark Mossfang found him in the open, Spearflower was home free and the score was tied once more.

The orcs knew time was running short and that with careful managing of the clock, they could score the winning point without leaving enough time for the Wardoves to equalize. A quick snap on the kickoff started the orc drive off well, and with a handoff to Hammish it looked like another goblin toss was in the works. Unfortunately, mentioning the term "the works" may have broken the concentration of Gristly Slötturhaus, and the lumbering troll made his best effort to devour the little fellow. The wily Hammish was no stranger to massive appetites, and quickly scrambled loose from the troll's grip, only to be dropped unceremoniously behind him.

The elves, seeing the opportunity, charged forth to take the game into their own hands. Albiir Featherdeath made his move and bore down on the ball with a fury of determination almost palpable. Meanwhile, the orcish line seemed oblivious to the error on the throw, and the hulking T-Boner went about his usual business of crushing skulls for fun and profit. Today his brute force came to bear on Tanthil Twigbreaker, who suffered serious injuries in the ordeal but was restored by a quick trip to the team doctor. The orc squad slowly began to come around to what was going on, and Moose Burger attempted to salvage the play with a pass to fellow blitzer Beef Bigaxe, but the throw was off. Elf lineman Bendrym Cloudrender seized the free ball and sent it spiraling towards Tsih Killwillow in the open. Still, the orc line paid no heed, as evidenced by lineman Lockjaw who was more concerned with putting Pynian Grassripper on a stretcher. Though faulted for his ignorance of the actual play, Lockjaw gains credit for unquestionably dishing it out to the elf lineman, who was carted away to the medics for repairs. Dodging nimbly away from the onrushing orcs as they realized what was going on, Tsih Killwillow ran his second point of the match into the end zone, where the Wardoves' cheerleaders had laid a pile of downy pillows for their golden boy. rose petals flew everywhere, the crowd was awash in sighs, and Tsih Killwillow lounged in the adulation until the next kickoff was ready.

Now on the other side of the clock management game, the Meathooks needed to score, and score fast. The drive began with Pickles making the long pass to Hammish, who despite having almost been eaten on the last drive seemed determined to get it right. The frustration of losing the lead had gotten to several of the orc players though, and it showed early in the drive as Chip Bonesaw blatantly fouled Mlalyn Firefawn of the Wardoves. Firefawn was knocked unconscious, but Bonesaw was tossed from the match, keeping the playing field even. Next came the big play for the Meathooks. Slötturhaus made no move to consume his tiny comrade this time, and all was going well until it was time for Hammish to land. Whether the ground was uneven or the throw was shaky, the end result was a goblin stuck halfway into the turf. The ball squirted free and Fhorin Bloodmeadow pounced on it. Launching a desperation pass to perhaps pad the elves' lead, the ball was somehow snagged in midair by the usually-oblivious T-Boner. Whether he saw the pass coming or not, the ball was in his grasp. He didn't seem to notice, and continued to shove at Prince Moranian until the latter was pushed into the stands. Realization suddenly dawned upon the black orc, however, and he moved to get the ball to someone who could do something with it. Unfortunately the handoff failed. With time winding down, the orcs could only watch as the ball came to rest and the whistle blew. The final score, a 3-2 victory for the Blueriver Wardoves.

The match honours went to Albiir Featherdeath of the Wardoves and to Gort Crudhammer of the Meathooks. A nod goes out to the sneaky play of Lockjaw, who becomes the latest orc to adopt the ball-stripping tactics which his teammates exemplify. Additionally, it looks as though the orc T-Boner is the only player this season to record an interception, marking the second consecutive season in which the award will go to a highly unlikely recipient.

And that, sports fiends, is the MMBBL's Chaos Cup Spring season! You know what's coming next, don't you? That's right, the high heat of Summer brings with it the high adrenaline and scorching excitement of the Blood Bowl! With more teams entering the mix, it's sure to be the most electrifying MMBBL season to date! Check back soon for updates on the new squads and more! See you then!

A Dire Day for Orckind

Greetings sports fiends, and welcome to another MMBBL update! Two games on the pitch last night, and we'll warn you in advance - If you're a fan of all things big, green and mean, this may be a hard report to stomach.

Game one on the card was a battle of two new teams vying to make their way in this cutthroat league. The Smash and Go'nads and the Brutakai Ragefangs met with each other and with destiny. A sunny day, decent attendance slightly favouring the Ragefangs...and the promise of mayhem.

On the opening drive, the Smash and Go'nads went right to work and would not be denied. While the runners made their moves for the ball, troll slayer Gil T. Azell went straight for the opponent's balls and throttled Holo Axegut, the Ragefang thrower. Axegut was sidelined, howling with rage, and will be missing the next match after sustaining what will likely develop into a chronic condition. With the orc line down a man, dwarf blitzer Stu Padasso found runner Dick Gozinia with a low pass, and the plucky Gozinia plowed his way downfield to the endzone. It took them most of the half to accomplish it, but the Smash and Go'nads had their first touchdown of their young careers.

In the second half, the Ragefangs needed a response. They got it, but it proved a costly half for them. En route to a tying score, the orcs were battered and bruised from the waist down as the dwarves did their best to hold the line. Line dwarf Herb Eaverstinks brought down Vradak Facechewer with a bone-grinding tackle, relieving him of his footing, lunch, and ability to continue playing. Still, the orc offense pressed on. Seeing a need for more drastic defensive measures, Stu Padasso ran down Prok Fleshdrinker with a sickening crunch. Good sportsmanship being what it is, he took the orc lineman's hand to help him up after the play, but came up with not much past the elbow. The stretcher team arrived, though Fleshdrinker was eventually removed in a series of buckets. Still, the Ragefangs would not be denied! Out of the chaos strode blitzer Raziek Bloodrage, smashing the ball into the turf as he crossed the goal line, roaring to the sky at the top of his lungs.

With little time left, the teams faced off again, and it can only be assumed that the fans were unhappy with the idea of a tie game. From out of the stands an extra-large popcorn bucket, suspiciously filled with what appeared to be quick-dry cement, caught Kodish Manhammer of the Ragefangs square in the back of the head and put him into the dirt for a short nap. With little else to do but execute rudimentary passing plays, the game ended in a 1-1 draw.

The matches MVP awards were given to Gil T. Azell for his particularly brutal play, and to Raziek Bloodrage for the exceptional catch and subsequent touchdown run. After the match, much to everyone's surprise (including his own) Prok Fleshdrinker emerged from the Ragefangs' infirmary, not in buckets but under his own power. Medically dead for more than an hour, the team doctor thoroughly stumped as to how to proceed, someone apparently stumbled upon a combination of tenth grade metal shop and bizarre necrosurgery. The result rejoined his teammates, now larger, tougher, and as far as we know, still essentially the orc he was before being reduced to a chaos team's take-out dinner. It seems that even in the world of Blood Bowl, death can give way to some sort of renewal.

On now to the second game of the night, where the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and the Meathooks would rekindle the carnage they wrought back in the Dungeonbowl championship. The weather was favourable, the stands were full with fans of both squads, but for the Meathooks, the sausage would prove to be packed with dismay.

The Dirt Bursters won the opening coin toss, and set to work to open the scoring. Not all of the undead players are built for the scoring game, though, and the terrifying Magut made no mistake of adding to his league-leading casualty count as he showed the herculean T-Boner the way to the hospital, putting the large orc out of commission for the immediate future. The worst was yet to come for the Meathooks, however, and one of their rising stars would pay the price.

Stumps O'Boggy, a hard-working yet seldom-acknowledged blue collar zombie, could not have known when he shook off the grave dust this morning that one of the most defining games of his career lay before him. Whether driven by personal desire, inspired by teammate Magut's brutal trailblazing, or simply a bit hungry, O'Boggy positively obliterated orc blitzer Stabbo, killing the skilled player outright. The blow to the Meathooks would prove costly, and the undead may have sensed that the game was theirs already. A great moan rose up from the undead fans as the league's most electrifying ambassador of awesome leaped through the fray and scrambled in for the touchdown. It seems, folks, that if you can't stop the O.T.B., then you can't stop the Dirt Bursters.

While the next drive was being prepared, the rumblings from the fans became progressively louder, with fights beginning to break out among the bleachers. Eventually it boiled over, and the legions of Meathooks faithful charged down to exact revenge upon the hated Dirt Bursters, even as the undead horde crashed through the barricades to slaughter the reviled orcish squad. Their charge dissipated, however, when they realized just how big their targets were. After only a couple of players were knocked down by momentum alone, the fans were quickly scared off by the mountains of orc flesh and monoliths of rot and bone, and the game resumed after cleaning the field of assorted body parts.

The rest of the first half was an awkward time for the Meathooks, and they seemed lost with their big linemate crippled and their most skilled blitzer dead. Several passes were attempted by both sides, but in every case, the receiver was hounded and the ball stripped from him. Several miscues by Meathooks thrower Pickles resulted in poor positioning, and the aforementioned Stumps O'Boggy sent orc blocker Grunt Skunchman packing, in the same boat as his teammate T-Boner. Before the halftime whistle blew, though, the Dirt Bursters would take advantage of the faltering Meathooks line and Ned Gummers rolled in for a second score.

The air of depression that rose from the orcish fans was tangible as the second half started, and it didn't help that the temperature had risen noticeably. The Meathooks would make a game of it in the end, though, and in one hell of an exciting fashion. A favourable kick and excellent blocking at the start of their drive saw another attempt at what had eluded the Meathooks for so long - a successful goblin throw. The foolhardy Hammish got the handoff and soon thereafter, Gristly the troll sent him soaring through the evening sky. The crowd gasped with anticipation - would he land on his feet? on his head? And then down he came, hitting the ground running as fast as those scrawny legs could go, right into the end zone. The uproar from the crowd was deafening, and for one shining moment, Hammish the goblin was the tallest player on the pitch.

Little time remained, and if the Meathooks were to salvage a tie, they'd have to make gold out of the leaden spirits of their squad. A gap was almost exposed, and Bacon Sandwich strove to emulate his fellow goblin's success, but he was dumped into the stands and prevented from finishing the game. Pouncing on the loose ball, Ned Gummers was off like a rocket, shambling into the end zone and ending the Meathooks' hopes. The final score, 3-1 for the undead.

As the game concluded, to the horror of the Meathooks and their fans, Stabbo got up. Wordlessly he staggered across the field and joined the Dirt Bursters as a zombie. Not all players' stories end in glory...some fade into anonymity as their bright stars fall and are extinguished. Standing alongside the very zombie who killed him, Stabbo was a Meathook no longer.

MVPs of the match were awarded to Grunt Skunchman of the Meathooks, despite his injury, and to Lez White of the Dirt Bursters, who showed remarkable awareness on the line in the defense of his teammates. For the first time, the undead roster is full, and for the first time since their creation, the Meathooks must search out another blitzer to fill the gap that Stabbo left in passing. We at MMBBL salute those lost tonight, even though they're actually still playing anyway. Goodnight, and we'll see you next time, as the Fly-by Knights and the Smash and Go'nads are slated to square off on Sunday!

Dwarves Test their Mettle, Orcs Save their Bacon

The Chaos Cup tournament has officially begun! Two games were on the table last night as the newcomer dwarf team Smash and Go'nads squared off against the veritable Goliath that is the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, and the returning-from-hiatus Fly-By Knights met with the surging Meathooks for a match.

In the first match, the Dirt Bursters continued their latest unbeaten streak and handed the Go'nads their first defeat in league play. The final tally was 2-0, and the undead seemed reasonably impressed with their opponents (or so our zombie-fluent correspondent tells us). Touchdowns were scored by the ever-dangerous ghoul Ol' Teabagger and the less-prominent Chompsalot. The dwarves' tactics were sound, but their inexperience held them back as they had difficulty breaking the undead line. With time, they'll likely develop a crushing front of their own. The addition of the high-profile mercenary player Morg N'Thorg helped, but in the end he wasn't on the same page as his new teammates and there seemed to be a disconnect.

A trio of casualties punctuated the match, one caused by each squad and one caused by poor on-field traction. The towering, ponderous Magut, easily the most lethal player in the league to-date, seemed intent on rebounding from an off year in that department and made dwarf troll slayer Gil T. Azell his first victim of the tournament, sending him off for the remainder of the match. Later on, Moe Lester the dwarven blitzer was himself molested as he was sent crashing into the stands and summarily beaten by the Dirt Bursters' fans. Towards the end of the match, the Smash and Go'nads had their revenge as Stu Padasso blitzed Lez White into the dirt and shattered his collarbone with a sickening crunch. Fortunately, with several more sickening crunches, Lez managed to pop a rib and use it as a decent substitute, and suffered no permanent damage. Suspicious weather resulted in a near singing during a pile-up at the sidelines, but no one was seriously baked.

The matches MVPs were Achilles Punks of the Smash and Go'nads, and who else but Ol' Teabagger of the Dirt Bursters - the latter an icon of the present, the former perhaps an icon of the future?

In the night's second match, perennial carnage-makers the Meathooks took the pitch to do battle with the recently returned Fly-By Knights. Due to a sorcery competition the week before the match, a lingering blizzard hung overhead, much to the chagrin of the fans who weren't prepared for a springtime match to be so frigid. While the Knights were a bit surprised to see how much the Meathooks had grown since they last played, the Meathooks were possibly more alarmed that they weren't the only team out there with a big guy. Gristly Slötterhaus and Barglesnart Livingstone faced off against each other, two physical titans, grinning widely as their handfuls of neurons flared apprehensively.

Beginning their first drive, the Meathooks looked once again to their nascent goblin throwing strategy. On this first attempt, however, it was not the troll who was to blame as he had been fed immediately before the game. This time, young Bacon Sandwich's nerves got the better of him and he dropped the ball immediately. The Knights recovered and Cyrano de Baggagerack ran the ball in for the touchdown. The Meathooks tried again on their second possession, and this time the pass itself was made, with Bacon Sandwich soaring through the snow-filled sky, only to pooch the landing and get his tongue stuck to the field. He was quickly set upon by a pair of Knights linemen, and sent scampering towards the sidelines in terror. Meanwhile, Tad Overdrest, human lineman, was cracking heads up on the front line, smashing the popular Stabbo's collarbone and giving the orc physicians a headache of their own as they laboured successfully to repair the damage. Victor Dashing, blitzer for the human squad, spotted Tad in the clear and sailed a short pass to him for an easy run-in.

After halftime, the Meathooks shook the rust off and turned the tables on the Knights, beginning an offensive defense of their own. In a move born of both low cunning and high strategy, black orc T-Boner throttled Barglesnart Livingstone as he lay on the pitch, earning himself a match penalty but removing the ogre from action with lingering, though not serious, pain. With the human line in disarray, Stabbo retrieved the ball and ran it downfield for the touchdown. Never before have we seen someone so grievously injured return immediately to put his mark on a game, and due credit to the orcish medics for patching up what could have been a career-ending injury. The humans weren't ready to deal with the loss of their ogre, and the balance was tipped irrevocably. After catcher Stanley Steele was pushed out of bounds and the ball suspiciously being returned to the orc who sent him packing, Rip Steakface launched the ball to Beef Bigaxe and the green machine thundered down the field for the emphatic touchdown and the last-minute tying score.

The MVPs of the game were Pickles of the Meathooks, and Victor Dashing of the Knights for his clutch pass in the first half, stemming from his knack for getting the ball away from the opponent. Also of note was the explosive play of Tad Overdrest, knocking down anyone standing between him and the endzone and getting a rare slice of glory for the everyday lineman.

Stay tuned for more match results as the Blueriver Wardoves take on the Brutakai Ragefangs later this week!

Undead Dynasty? Dirt Bursters Defend Title

A combination of all-around team effort and unfortunate miscues by their opponents has given the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters their second consecutive MMBBL Championship title. The final score was 3-0 in a match that went almost completely according to their game plan.

The game began with the deafening roar of innumerable orcish fans, which was soon followed by the equally awful din as those fans stormed the field to beat the tar out of the Dirt Bursters. Fortunately for the undead squad, most of their players managed to bury themselves under the pitch before the mob arrived, and as a result were mostly capable of starting the first drive. With disturbing efficiency, the electrifying undead recovered from their premature interment and who else but Ol' Teabagger marched the ball down the field for the score.

When their first drive started, it was a bad case of deja vu for the Meathooks as Gristly Slötterhaus apparently hadn't yet learned not to eat the goblins he's supposed to throw. As a result, newcomer Hammish was nearly devoured and was grievously wounded upon wriggling free. Amid the confusion, who should appear but Ned Gummers, and the ghoul pounced on the loose ball and quickly made tracks to the end zone.

As their final chance of the first half began, the Meathooks nearly responded, after a thrown rock knocked Blacky Gobbler out cold and created an opening in the undead defense. Beef Bigaxe used an herculean effort to pummel his way through three ghouls and a zombie, only to run out of gas at the goal line and collapse in a heap. The bell sounded and it was 2-0 at halftime.

After the break, the Meathooks came out playing desperately to close the gap. They returned to their pushing and shoving roots, but the undead matched them at every turn. Ol' Teabagger was thrown into the stands after the ball came loose, but Chip Bonesaw, who dispatched him thusly, was immediately revenged upon as he too was pushed out, and given a serious wound that saw him depart for the remainder of the match.

With time running down, the Meathooks made an effort to save some face and at least put a score on the board, but they could never have foreseen how it would go wrong on them. Tossing up a pass to pick up a good chunk of yardage, Beef Bigaxe was intercepted by zombie all-star Chunk Norton, leaving everyone in the stadium speechless. His teammates rallied around him, and several minutes later the toughest of customers shambled his way into the end zone, sealing the victory for the Dirt Bursters.

MVPs of the match were T-Boner, newcomer black orc of the Meathooks, and feel-good story of the season Lanks McBreak of the Dirt Bursters, who rose above his station, challenging all opponents to play with as much vigor mortis as he could muster. Hats off, Lanks. Hats off.

While the undead were visibly (and possibly necromantically) energized by the victory, the Meathooks were not so disheartened by the loss. This season has been a great step forward for them, and we anticipate that they will be a force to be reckoned with for many seasons to come.

That's all from the Dungeonbowl Championship, thanks for tuning in, sportsfiends!

Semi-finals or Semi-funerals?

The semi-final round of the MMBBL Dungeonbowl Championship has passed, leaving a pulpy, purpley, putrid smear across the pitch. Game one saw a rematch with very vicious implications as the Meathooks squared off against the upstart Woad Warriors for a trip to the finals.

This game may go on record as the most violent yet, and words like "battlefield" and "brutality" do it no true justice. If casualties caused were the measure of victory, these two teams would sit on a pillar of devastation for all to aspire to match. In the very opening of the game, with the Meathooks on offense, what began as a well-known and highly popular goblin-tossing play quickly disintegrated into a light snack for Gristly Slötterhaus, and as a result newcomer Bacon Sandwich caused a turnover.

The remainder of the match was barely about the Bowl and mostly about the Blood. In the scoring column, however, orc blitzer Stabbo was once again the difference maker, his two touchdowns stacking up against one from William Wallops of the scotsmen. The injury roster was far more exciting. Gort Crudhammer opened the hostilities when he put Robert the Brute down for the count. Connor MacClod, Ulfwerener for the Warriors, responded quickly by laying out Lockjaw with a seriously pinched nerve. Not to be outdone, Chip Bonesaw hit Frogurt Louis Stevenson so hard that F.L.S. skipped shuffling off the mortal coil and did more of a two-step into oblivion. Once again the Woad Warriors responded, hitting the Meathooks where it already hurt when Chuck MacCaber gave the much-maligned Bacon Sandwich an impromptu back massage with his cleats. And folks, that's just the first half.

The slaughter continued after the break, beginning when walking roadblock Beefquake sat Sean Clobbery down for the remainder of the match. The Woad Warriors had no response this time, as their line was severely depleted, and Hamfist Goreguts of the Meathooks followed it up by caving in the skull of Warriors captain Kilt Chamberlain. He will not be returning to the team, to consciousness, nor anywhere that isn't "the Earth from which he came". Chuck macCaber, however, picked up the mantle almost immediately, earning some measure of retribution by sending Hamfist packing the next turn. Gristly Slötterhaus, seemingly ordered to pulverize the vengeful human thrower, mistakenly attacked the Warriors' other thrower, and Robert Sideburns was left whimpering on the pitch with a hip that more closely resembled a jigsaw puzzle.

Not content with how they had avenged their captain's death, MacCaber and lineman Duncan Donuts were both tossed for flagrant fouls towards the end of the match.

MVPs for this game were Robert the Brute, Woad Warrior lineman, who has become a true nuisance for opposing blockers, and the stellar Stabbo, who not only stole the show with his two touchdowns, but also knocked over anyone who wanted to change the channel on his highlight-reel caliber performance. Other notables were Gristly Slötterhaus and his stoic, deadly immobility, Gort Crudhammer, who reportedly has contracted rabies from a wolf bite early in the match, and William Wallops, who apparently will not be taking "I'm okay" as an answer when he knocks someone down. After the match, brief funeral services were observed by both squads for the two fallen scots, with eulegies read by their respective killers. Since both squads share a belief in honour from death in battle, there were no hard feelings.

Game two was, comparably, far less violent. The beleaguered yet determined Eternal Twilight squad faced the returning champion Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters for their shot at the finals. Reports out of this game are sketchy at best, as the entire staff on hand was undead in some fashion, either at the start of the game or by the end of it. What we do know is that the rivalry between the "high" and "low" undead has picked up quite a bit, with the dirty, shambling denizens of the Dirt Bursters fandom seizing their perceived opportunity to depose the current vampire nobility and begin their own muddy, worm-ridden reign.

The end score, by accounts from survivors, was 2-0 for the Dirt Bursters, with points being scored by ghouls Ned Gummers and Ol'Teabagger. Evidently, most of the Endless Twilight, including their thralls, did manage to escape wholesale slaughter, though Smoking Pyre Ashes was mauled extensively by the indomitable and surprisingly eloquent Magut, who is up to words with more than one vowel and is possibly on the cusp of discovering the number three. The Endless Twilight has reportedly retreated to Luthor Von Drakenborg's mountain estate for the Spring, to train, reflect on their experiences, and hopefully be back again one day to compete for another championship.

The matches MVPs were More Like-Chicken of the Endless Twilight, who gets points for simply staying alive, and Lanks McBreak, the feel-good story of the year for Dirt Bursters fans. He's a common skeleton with no heart, no brains, but courage like you wouldn't believe. We'll be watching him in the finals, to be sure.

The Championship Game is almost upon us! The Meathooks have fantastic momentum, winning three straight games to get here, and the defending champs, the Dirt Bursters, are as ferocious as ever! Check back soon to find out if the biggest smear on the trophy will be blood, or embalming fluid!