Magical Mister Mudd here for another guest appearance. I was able to skrye the latest match in Spring of 2008's Chaos Cup Open. It was two of the new teams coming into the league, the gentle yet deadly High Elven 'Blueriver Wardoved' faced off against self-proclaimed Orc nobility: the 'Brutakai Ragefangs'!
Though there was sixteen thousand fans scrambling to see these young teams field for the first time, only one quarter of them came to see the Ragefangs. It seemed the Blueriver's 'Smooth Beasts of 2008' calender, featuring shirtless portraits of their baby-faced players had won them some popularity for their first game. The thousands of squeeling females added evidence to this theory.
The first drive began with the Wardoves on defense, kicking the ball to the Ragefang offense. The starting whistle almost covered-up the painful cry of Fhorin Bloodmeadow, High Elf Blitzer, as he was sent sprawling by Rusnik Nightwrath, Orcish Lineman. The Orcish advance trode over his fallen form into a back-and-forth struggle for the first scoring point. The Wardoves came out on top with a pass by High Elf Lineman, Venspir Pondrazor to Tsih Killwillow who kicked up a cloud of dirt and grass as he ran the first Touchdown in. He was the last to return to his side for the next drive instructing the girls in the front rows how to chant his name in the proper pronunciation.
"It's 'See'. Not 'T-ss-eh'." he corrected with a wink.
The first half ended with a drive that just wasn't long enough to give the Orcs a tying score. The whistle sounded just moments before Xarnak Bloodrage (who also manages the team) could get the ball over the line, despite a successful offensive charge.
Sometime during the first half, Pynian Grassripper was knocked unconscious, and stayed fast asleep into the next half. Many a High Elf looked a bit envious at how soundly he slept, in the very comfortable dug-out the Wardoves had themselves entrenched in. And sure enough, before the quarter was over, three more High Elves slumbered next to Pynian, looking quite pleased with themselves. The coach shook his head and turned away, just before some opportunistic fans snuck themselves into the dug out to land some autographs from Tanthil Twigbreaker, Minlyn Firefawn and heartthrob Tsih Killwillow were happy to provide before going back to sleep.
Thus it was the Ragefangs time to shine. Holo Axegut, Orc Thrower, picked up the ball and sees that if the Blitzers couldn't get the ball where it needed to be, it was time to take matters into his own hands. Calling out tactics, he positioned the team in perfect form to keep the remaining Wardoves from the pigskin. Holo ran into the Wardove field, and made a break for it. From his left, a High Elven Lineman had fallen back for a last ditch defense. Stryth Leafmauler called out to Holo for the ball.
"You want this?!" Holo cried at him, and gave the ball to him. Right in the face. Stryth was down, and nothing was in the way for Holo Axegut to make the score before the final whistle.
Final score was 1-1 after this struggle. MVP for the Ragefangs was Kragor Clawfang, Orc Lineman, for doing exactly what he's been told. For the Wardoves, the MVP award went to Tanthil Twigbreaker, who didn't let a single fan leave the dug-out napping zone without a signed calender.
Next the Butakai Ragefangs take on MMBBL two-time champions, the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters for the first time, while the Wardoves bide their time before taking on the rude dudes in the Smash and Go'nads! See you next time!
Monday, May 26, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Dwarves Test their Mettle, Orcs Save their Bacon
The Chaos Cup tournament has officially begun! Two games were on the table last night as the newcomer dwarf team Smash and Go'nads squared off against the veritable Goliath that is the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, and the returning-from-hiatus Fly-By Knights met with the surging Meathooks for a match.
In the first match, the Dirt Bursters continued their latest unbeaten streak and handed the Go'nads their first defeat in league play. The final tally was 2-0, and the undead seemed reasonably impressed with their opponents (or so our zombie-fluent correspondent tells us). Touchdowns were scored by the ever-dangerous ghoul Ol' Teabagger and the less-prominent Chompsalot. The dwarves' tactics were sound, but their inexperience held them back as they had difficulty breaking the undead line. With time, they'll likely develop a crushing front of their own. The addition of the high-profile mercenary player Morg N'Thorg helped, but in the end he wasn't on the same page as his new teammates and there seemed to be a disconnect.
A trio of casualties punctuated the match, one caused by each squad and one caused by poor on-field traction. The towering, ponderous Magut, easily the most lethal player in the league to-date, seemed intent on rebounding from an off year in that department and made dwarf troll slayer Gil T. Azell his first victim of the tournament, sending him off for the remainder of the match. Later on, Moe Lester the dwarven blitzer was himself molested as he was sent crashing into the stands and summarily beaten by the Dirt Bursters' fans. Towards the end of the match, the Smash and Go'nads had their revenge as Stu Padasso blitzed Lez White into the dirt and shattered his collarbone with a sickening crunch. Fortunately, with several more sickening crunches, Lez managed to pop a rib and use it as a decent substitute, and suffered no permanent damage. Suspicious weather resulted in a near singing during a pile-up at the sidelines, but no one was seriously baked.
The matches MVPs were Achilles Punks of the Smash and Go'nads, and who else but Ol' Teabagger of the Dirt Bursters - the latter an icon of the present, the former perhaps an icon of the future?
In the night's second match, perennial carnage-makers the Meathooks took the pitch to do battle with the recently returned Fly-By Knights. Due to a sorcery competition the week before the match, a lingering blizzard hung overhead, much to the chagrin of the fans who weren't prepared for a springtime match to be so frigid. While the Knights were a bit surprised to see how much the Meathooks had grown since they last played, the Meathooks were possibly more alarmed that they weren't the only team out there with a big guy. Gristly Slötterhaus and Barglesnart Livingstone faced off against each other, two physical titans, grinning widely as their handfuls of neurons flared apprehensively.
Beginning their first drive, the Meathooks looked once again to their nascent goblin throwing strategy. On this first attempt, however, it was not the troll who was to blame as he had been fed immediately before the game. This time, young Bacon Sandwich's nerves got the better of him and he dropped the ball immediately. The Knights recovered and Cyrano de Baggagerack ran the ball in for the touchdown. The Meathooks tried again on their second possession, and this time the pass itself was made, with Bacon Sandwich soaring through the snow-filled sky, only to pooch the landing and get his tongue stuck to the field. He was quickly set upon by a pair of Knights linemen, and sent scampering towards the sidelines in terror. Meanwhile, Tad Overdrest, human lineman, was cracking heads up on the front line, smashing the popular Stabbo's collarbone and giving the orc physicians a headache of their own as they laboured successfully to repair the damage. Victor Dashing, blitzer for the human squad, spotted Tad in the clear and sailed a short pass to him for an easy run-in.
After halftime, the Meathooks shook the rust off and turned the tables on the Knights, beginning an offensive defense of their own. In a move born of both low cunning and high strategy, black orc T-Boner throttled Barglesnart Livingstone as he lay on the pitch, earning himself a match penalty but removing the ogre from action with lingering, though not serious, pain. With the human line in disarray, Stabbo retrieved the ball and ran it downfield for the touchdown. Never before have we seen someone so grievously injured return immediately to put his mark on a game, and due credit to the orcish medics for patching up what could have been a career-ending injury. The humans weren't ready to deal with the loss of their ogre, and the balance was tipped irrevocably. After catcher Stanley Steele was pushed out of bounds and the ball suspiciously being returned to the orc who sent him packing, Rip Steakface launched the ball to Beef Bigaxe and the green machine thundered down the field for the emphatic touchdown and the last-minute tying score.
The MVPs of the game were Pickles of the Meathooks, and Victor Dashing of the Knights for his clutch pass in the first half, stemming from his knack for getting the ball away from the opponent. Also of note was the explosive play of Tad Overdrest, knocking down anyone standing between him and the endzone and getting a rare slice of glory for the everyday lineman.
Stay tuned for more match results as the Blueriver Wardoves take on the Brutakai Ragefangs later this week!
In the first match, the Dirt Bursters continued their latest unbeaten streak and handed the Go'nads their first defeat in league play. The final tally was 2-0, and the undead seemed reasonably impressed with their opponents (or so our zombie-fluent correspondent tells us). Touchdowns were scored by the ever-dangerous ghoul Ol' Teabagger and the less-prominent Chompsalot. The dwarves' tactics were sound, but their inexperience held them back as they had difficulty breaking the undead line. With time, they'll likely develop a crushing front of their own. The addition of the high-profile mercenary player Morg N'Thorg helped, but in the end he wasn't on the same page as his new teammates and there seemed to be a disconnect.
A trio of casualties punctuated the match, one caused by each squad and one caused by poor on-field traction. The towering, ponderous Magut, easily the most lethal player in the league to-date, seemed intent on rebounding from an off year in that department and made dwarf troll slayer Gil T. Azell his first victim of the tournament, sending him off for the remainder of the match. Later on, Moe Lester the dwarven blitzer was himself molested as he was sent crashing into the stands and summarily beaten by the Dirt Bursters' fans. Towards the end of the match, the Smash and Go'nads had their revenge as Stu Padasso blitzed Lez White into the dirt and shattered his collarbone with a sickening crunch. Fortunately, with several more sickening crunches, Lez managed to pop a rib and use it as a decent substitute, and suffered no permanent damage. Suspicious weather resulted in a near singing during a pile-up at the sidelines, but no one was seriously baked.
The matches MVPs were Achilles Punks of the Smash and Go'nads, and who else but Ol' Teabagger of the Dirt Bursters - the latter an icon of the present, the former perhaps an icon of the future?
In the night's second match, perennial carnage-makers the Meathooks took the pitch to do battle with the recently returned Fly-By Knights. Due to a sorcery competition the week before the match, a lingering blizzard hung overhead, much to the chagrin of the fans who weren't prepared for a springtime match to be so frigid. While the Knights were a bit surprised to see how much the Meathooks had grown since they last played, the Meathooks were possibly more alarmed that they weren't the only team out there with a big guy. Gristly Slötterhaus and Barglesnart Livingstone faced off against each other, two physical titans, grinning widely as their handfuls of neurons flared apprehensively.
Beginning their first drive, the Meathooks looked once again to their nascent goblin throwing strategy. On this first attempt, however, it was not the troll who was to blame as he had been fed immediately before the game. This time, young Bacon Sandwich's nerves got the better of him and he dropped the ball immediately. The Knights recovered and Cyrano de Baggagerack ran the ball in for the touchdown. The Meathooks tried again on their second possession, and this time the pass itself was made, with Bacon Sandwich soaring through the snow-filled sky, only to pooch the landing and get his tongue stuck to the field. He was quickly set upon by a pair of Knights linemen, and sent scampering towards the sidelines in terror. Meanwhile, Tad Overdrest, human lineman, was cracking heads up on the front line, smashing the popular Stabbo's collarbone and giving the orc physicians a headache of their own as they laboured successfully to repair the damage. Victor Dashing, blitzer for the human squad, spotted Tad in the clear and sailed a short pass to him for an easy run-in.
After halftime, the Meathooks shook the rust off and turned the tables on the Knights, beginning an offensive defense of their own. In a move born of both low cunning and high strategy, black orc T-Boner throttled Barglesnart Livingstone as he lay on the pitch, earning himself a match penalty but removing the ogre from action with lingering, though not serious, pain. With the human line in disarray, Stabbo retrieved the ball and ran it downfield for the touchdown. Never before have we seen someone so grievously injured return immediately to put his mark on a game, and due credit to the orcish medics for patching up what could have been a career-ending injury. The humans weren't ready to deal with the loss of their ogre, and the balance was tipped irrevocably. After catcher Stanley Steele was pushed out of bounds and the ball suspiciously being returned to the orc who sent him packing, Rip Steakface launched the ball to Beef Bigaxe and the green machine thundered down the field for the emphatic touchdown and the last-minute tying score.
The MVPs of the game were Pickles of the Meathooks, and Victor Dashing of the Knights for his clutch pass in the first half, stemming from his knack for getting the ball away from the opponent. Also of note was the explosive play of Tad Overdrest, knocking down anyone standing between him and the endzone and getting a rare slice of glory for the everyday lineman.
Stay tuned for more match results as the Blueriver Wardoves take on the Brutakai Ragefangs later this week!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Know your Players 2: New Additions!
The MMBBL is back up to six players this season, and while you know most of us, let me introduce you briefly to our two latest additions. First we have Ryan "Weiner herder" Keizer, who is fielding the dwarf team "Smash and Go'nads", who are probably the rudest collection of stunties ever to take the pitch. Secondly, we have another dangerous orc squad, the Brutakai Ragefangs, commanded by Jaison "The Wizard" Gagnon. They'll both be in action this week as we kick off the Chaos Cup tournament! We wish our new players the best of luck, but with a healthy helping of broken ribs for good measure!
Friday, May 2, 2008
The 2008 Dungeonbowl Awards Ceremony
And now, sportsfiends, we present a little something new for the league, a series of individual achievement awards to show off the cream of the crop (or crap) in the MMBBL over the past season.
The League MVP (greatest point gain in a season)
The player who proved to be the most valuable this season was Ned Gummers, ghoul of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters! Emerging from the shadow of his teammate Ol' Teabagger, Ned managed a whopping 25 point increase this season.
The "In the Zone" Award (most touchdowns in a season)
Ned Gummers comes through again, having scored six times in the course of only five games! No easy feat when you're constantly stopping to nibble on bits of your opponents, either.
The Commissioner's Medal of Exemplary Brutality (most casualties in a season)
Gort Crudhammer of the Meathooks stomps away with this one after crippling four of the poor, unlucky souls lined up against him this season.
The Silver Elbow (most completed passes in a season)
Thrower Chuck MacCaber of the Woad Warriors gets the nod for the Silver Elbow, having completed five passes this season, which is actually pretty good considering how poorly each team has done at even picking up the ball on a regular basis.
The Brass Doorknob Award for Undeniable Interference (most interceptions in a season)
Not a very big showing for this award, but it goes to Chunk Norton of the Dirt Bursters for his one key interception in the championship game.
The Silver Lining (most MVP awards in a season)
He doesn't have a heart, but he captured the hearts of fans everywhere - Lanks McBreak of the Dirt Bursters takes this coveted blankie home after getting the game MVP thrice this season.
and finally,
The "Why Bother" Award (lowest point gain by a returning player in a season)
This award is split this season, with skeleton Feeble McWeakerton and zombie Boz Squats, both of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, getting their share of the Big Fat Zero.
And that's it for the Winter of 2008 Dungeonbowl Season! See you for the next round of carnage, with more squads, more squashing, and all the highlights from the pitch!
The League MVP (greatest point gain in a season)
The player who proved to be the most valuable this season was Ned Gummers, ghoul of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters! Emerging from the shadow of his teammate Ol' Teabagger, Ned managed a whopping 25 point increase this season.
The "In the Zone" Award (most touchdowns in a season)
Ned Gummers comes through again, having scored six times in the course of only five games! No easy feat when you're constantly stopping to nibble on bits of your opponents, either.
The Commissioner's Medal of Exemplary Brutality (most casualties in a season)
Gort Crudhammer of the Meathooks stomps away with this one after crippling four of the poor, unlucky souls lined up against him this season.
The Silver Elbow (most completed passes in a season)
Thrower Chuck MacCaber of the Woad Warriors gets the nod for the Silver Elbow, having completed five passes this season, which is actually pretty good considering how poorly each team has done at even picking up the ball on a regular basis.
The Brass Doorknob Award for Undeniable Interference (most interceptions in a season)
Not a very big showing for this award, but it goes to Chunk Norton of the Dirt Bursters for his one key interception in the championship game.
The Silver Lining (most MVP awards in a season)
He doesn't have a heart, but he captured the hearts of fans everywhere - Lanks McBreak of the Dirt Bursters takes this coveted blankie home after getting the game MVP thrice this season.
and finally,
The "Why Bother" Award (lowest point gain by a returning player in a season)
This award is split this season, with skeleton Feeble McWeakerton and zombie Boz Squats, both of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, getting their share of the Big Fat Zero.
And that's it for the Winter of 2008 Dungeonbowl Season! See you for the next round of carnage, with more squads, more squashing, and all the highlights from the pitch!
Undead Dynasty? Dirt Bursters Defend Title
A combination of all-around team effort and unfortunate miscues by their opponents has given the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters their second consecutive MMBBL Championship title. The final score was 3-0 in a match that went almost completely according to their game plan.
The game began with the deafening roar of innumerable orcish fans, which was soon followed by the equally awful din as those fans stormed the field to beat the tar out of the Dirt Bursters. Fortunately for the undead squad, most of their players managed to bury themselves under the pitch before the mob arrived, and as a result were mostly capable of starting the first drive. With disturbing efficiency, the electrifying undead recovered from their premature interment and who else but Ol' Teabagger marched the ball down the field for the score.
When their first drive started, it was a bad case of deja vu for the Meathooks as Gristly Slötterhaus apparently hadn't yet learned not to eat the goblins he's supposed to throw. As a result, newcomer Hammish was nearly devoured and was grievously wounded upon wriggling free. Amid the confusion, who should appear but Ned Gummers, and the ghoul pounced on the loose ball and quickly made tracks to the end zone.
As their final chance of the first half began, the Meathooks nearly responded, after a thrown rock knocked Blacky Gobbler out cold and created an opening in the undead defense. Beef Bigaxe used an herculean effort to pummel his way through three ghouls and a zombie, only to run out of gas at the goal line and collapse in a heap. The bell sounded and it was 2-0 at halftime.
After the break, the Meathooks came out playing desperately to close the gap. They returned to their pushing and shoving roots, but the undead matched them at every turn. Ol' Teabagger was thrown into the stands after the ball came loose, but Chip Bonesaw, who dispatched him thusly, was immediately revenged upon as he too was pushed out, and given a serious wound that saw him depart for the remainder of the match.
With time running down, the Meathooks made an effort to save some face and at least put a score on the board, but they could never have foreseen how it would go wrong on them. Tossing up a pass to pick up a good chunk of yardage, Beef Bigaxe was intercepted by zombie all-star Chunk Norton, leaving everyone in the stadium speechless. His teammates rallied around him, and several minutes later the toughest of customers shambled his way into the end zone, sealing the victory for the Dirt Bursters.
MVPs of the match were T-Boner, newcomer black orc of the Meathooks, and feel-good story of the season Lanks McBreak of the Dirt Bursters, who rose above his station, challenging all opponents to play with as much vigor mortis as he could muster. Hats off, Lanks. Hats off.
While the undead were visibly (and possibly necromantically) energized by the victory, the Meathooks were not so disheartened by the loss. This season has been a great step forward for them, and we anticipate that they will be a force to be reckoned with for many seasons to come.
That's all from the Dungeonbowl Championship, thanks for tuning in, sportsfiends!
The game began with the deafening roar of innumerable orcish fans, which was soon followed by the equally awful din as those fans stormed the field to beat the tar out of the Dirt Bursters. Fortunately for the undead squad, most of their players managed to bury themselves under the pitch before the mob arrived, and as a result were mostly capable of starting the first drive. With disturbing efficiency, the electrifying undead recovered from their premature interment and who else but Ol' Teabagger marched the ball down the field for the score.
When their first drive started, it was a bad case of deja vu for the Meathooks as Gristly Slötterhaus apparently hadn't yet learned not to eat the goblins he's supposed to throw. As a result, newcomer Hammish was nearly devoured and was grievously wounded upon wriggling free. Amid the confusion, who should appear but Ned Gummers, and the ghoul pounced on the loose ball and quickly made tracks to the end zone.
As their final chance of the first half began, the Meathooks nearly responded, after a thrown rock knocked Blacky Gobbler out cold and created an opening in the undead defense. Beef Bigaxe used an herculean effort to pummel his way through three ghouls and a zombie, only to run out of gas at the goal line and collapse in a heap. The bell sounded and it was 2-0 at halftime.
After the break, the Meathooks came out playing desperately to close the gap. They returned to their pushing and shoving roots, but the undead matched them at every turn. Ol' Teabagger was thrown into the stands after the ball came loose, but Chip Bonesaw, who dispatched him thusly, was immediately revenged upon as he too was pushed out, and given a serious wound that saw him depart for the remainder of the match.
With time running down, the Meathooks made an effort to save some face and at least put a score on the board, but they could never have foreseen how it would go wrong on them. Tossing up a pass to pick up a good chunk of yardage, Beef Bigaxe was intercepted by zombie all-star Chunk Norton, leaving everyone in the stadium speechless. His teammates rallied around him, and several minutes later the toughest of customers shambled his way into the end zone, sealing the victory for the Dirt Bursters.
MVPs of the match were T-Boner, newcomer black orc of the Meathooks, and feel-good story of the season Lanks McBreak of the Dirt Bursters, who rose above his station, challenging all opponents to play with as much vigor mortis as he could muster. Hats off, Lanks. Hats off.
While the undead were visibly (and possibly necromantically) energized by the victory, the Meathooks were not so disheartened by the loss. This season has been a great step forward for them, and we anticipate that they will be a force to be reckoned with for many seasons to come.
That's all from the Dungeonbowl Championship, thanks for tuning in, sportsfiends!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Semi-finals or Semi-funerals?
The semi-final round of the MMBBL Dungeonbowl Championship has passed, leaving a pulpy, purpley, putrid smear across the pitch. Game one saw a rematch with very vicious implications as the Meathooks squared off against the upstart Woad Warriors for a trip to the finals.
This game may go on record as the most violent yet, and words like "battlefield" and "brutality" do it no true justice. If casualties caused were the measure of victory, these two teams would sit on a pillar of devastation for all to aspire to match. In the very opening of the game, with the Meathooks on offense, what began as a well-known and highly popular goblin-tossing play quickly disintegrated into a light snack for Gristly Slötterhaus, and as a result newcomer Bacon Sandwich caused a turnover.
The remainder of the match was barely about the Bowl and mostly about the Blood. In the scoring column, however, orc blitzer Stabbo was once again the difference maker, his two touchdowns stacking up against one from William Wallops of the scotsmen. The injury roster was far more exciting. Gort Crudhammer opened the hostilities when he put Robert the Brute down for the count. Connor MacClod, Ulfwerener for the Warriors, responded quickly by laying out Lockjaw with a seriously pinched nerve. Not to be outdone, Chip Bonesaw hit Frogurt Louis Stevenson so hard that F.L.S. skipped shuffling off the mortal coil and did more of a two-step into oblivion. Once again the Woad Warriors responded, hitting the Meathooks where it already hurt when Chuck MacCaber gave the much-maligned Bacon Sandwich an impromptu back massage with his cleats. And folks, that's just the first half.
The slaughter continued after the break, beginning when walking roadblock Beefquake sat Sean Clobbery down for the remainder of the match. The Woad Warriors had no response this time, as their line was severely depleted, and Hamfist Goreguts of the Meathooks followed it up by caving in the skull of Warriors captain Kilt Chamberlain. He will not be returning to the team, to consciousness, nor anywhere that isn't "the Earth from which he came". Chuck macCaber, however, picked up the mantle almost immediately, earning some measure of retribution by sending Hamfist packing the next turn. Gristly Slötterhaus, seemingly ordered to pulverize the vengeful human thrower, mistakenly attacked the Warriors' other thrower, and Robert Sideburns was left whimpering on the pitch with a hip that more closely resembled a jigsaw puzzle.
Not content with how they had avenged their captain's death, MacCaber and lineman Duncan Donuts were both tossed for flagrant fouls towards the end of the match.
MVPs for this game were Robert the Brute, Woad Warrior lineman, who has become a true nuisance for opposing blockers, and the stellar Stabbo, who not only stole the show with his two touchdowns, but also knocked over anyone who wanted to change the channel on his highlight-reel caliber performance. Other notables were Gristly Slötterhaus and his stoic, deadly immobility, Gort Crudhammer, who reportedly has contracted rabies from a wolf bite early in the match, and William Wallops, who apparently will not be taking "I'm okay" as an answer when he knocks someone down. After the match, brief funeral services were observed by both squads for the two fallen scots, with eulegies read by their respective killers. Since both squads share a belief in honour from death in battle, there were no hard feelings.
Game two was, comparably, far less violent. The beleaguered yet determined Eternal Twilight squad faced the returning champion Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters for their shot at the finals. Reports out of this game are sketchy at best, as the entire staff on hand was undead in some fashion, either at the start of the game or by the end of it. What we do know is that the rivalry between the "high" and "low" undead has picked up quite a bit, with the dirty, shambling denizens of the Dirt Bursters fandom seizing their perceived opportunity to depose the current vampire nobility and begin their own muddy, worm-ridden reign.
The end score, by accounts from survivors, was 2-0 for the Dirt Bursters, with points being scored by ghouls Ned Gummers and Ol'Teabagger. Evidently, most of the Endless Twilight, including their thralls, did manage to escape wholesale slaughter, though Smoking Pyre Ashes was mauled extensively by the indomitable and surprisingly eloquent Magut, who is up to words with more than one vowel and is possibly on the cusp of discovering the number three. The Endless Twilight has reportedly retreated to Luthor Von Drakenborg's mountain estate for the Spring, to train, reflect on their experiences, and hopefully be back again one day to compete for another championship.
The matches MVPs were More Like-Chicken of the Endless Twilight, who gets points for simply staying alive, and Lanks McBreak, the feel-good story of the year for Dirt Bursters fans. He's a common skeleton with no heart, no brains, but courage like you wouldn't believe. We'll be watching him in the finals, to be sure.
The Championship Game is almost upon us! The Meathooks have fantastic momentum, winning three straight games to get here, and the defending champs, the Dirt Bursters, are as ferocious as ever! Check back soon to find out if the biggest smear on the trophy will be blood, or embalming fluid!
This game may go on record as the most violent yet, and words like "battlefield" and "brutality" do it no true justice. If casualties caused were the measure of victory, these two teams would sit on a pillar of devastation for all to aspire to match. In the very opening of the game, with the Meathooks on offense, what began as a well-known and highly popular goblin-tossing play quickly disintegrated into a light snack for Gristly Slötterhaus, and as a result newcomer Bacon Sandwich caused a turnover.
The remainder of the match was barely about the Bowl and mostly about the Blood. In the scoring column, however, orc blitzer Stabbo was once again the difference maker, his two touchdowns stacking up against one from William Wallops of the scotsmen. The injury roster was far more exciting. Gort Crudhammer opened the hostilities when he put Robert the Brute down for the count. Connor MacClod, Ulfwerener for the Warriors, responded quickly by laying out Lockjaw with a seriously pinched nerve. Not to be outdone, Chip Bonesaw hit Frogurt Louis Stevenson so hard that F.L.S. skipped shuffling off the mortal coil and did more of a two-step into oblivion. Once again the Woad Warriors responded, hitting the Meathooks where it already hurt when Chuck MacCaber gave the much-maligned Bacon Sandwich an impromptu back massage with his cleats. And folks, that's just the first half.
The slaughter continued after the break, beginning when walking roadblock Beefquake sat Sean Clobbery down for the remainder of the match. The Woad Warriors had no response this time, as their line was severely depleted, and Hamfist Goreguts of the Meathooks followed it up by caving in the skull of Warriors captain Kilt Chamberlain. He will not be returning to the team, to consciousness, nor anywhere that isn't "the Earth from which he came". Chuck macCaber, however, picked up the mantle almost immediately, earning some measure of retribution by sending Hamfist packing the next turn. Gristly Slötterhaus, seemingly ordered to pulverize the vengeful human thrower, mistakenly attacked the Warriors' other thrower, and Robert Sideburns was left whimpering on the pitch with a hip that more closely resembled a jigsaw puzzle.
Not content with how they had avenged their captain's death, MacCaber and lineman Duncan Donuts were both tossed for flagrant fouls towards the end of the match.
MVPs for this game were Robert the Brute, Woad Warrior lineman, who has become a true nuisance for opposing blockers, and the stellar Stabbo, who not only stole the show with his two touchdowns, but also knocked over anyone who wanted to change the channel on his highlight-reel caliber performance. Other notables were Gristly Slötterhaus and his stoic, deadly immobility, Gort Crudhammer, who reportedly has contracted rabies from a wolf bite early in the match, and William Wallops, who apparently will not be taking "I'm okay" as an answer when he knocks someone down. After the match, brief funeral services were observed by both squads for the two fallen scots, with eulegies read by their respective killers. Since both squads share a belief in honour from death in battle, there were no hard feelings.
Game two was, comparably, far less violent. The beleaguered yet determined Eternal Twilight squad faced the returning champion Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters for their shot at the finals. Reports out of this game are sketchy at best, as the entire staff on hand was undead in some fashion, either at the start of the game or by the end of it. What we do know is that the rivalry between the "high" and "low" undead has picked up quite a bit, with the dirty, shambling denizens of the Dirt Bursters fandom seizing their perceived opportunity to depose the current vampire nobility and begin their own muddy, worm-ridden reign.
The end score, by accounts from survivors, was 2-0 for the Dirt Bursters, with points being scored by ghouls Ned Gummers and Ol'Teabagger. Evidently, most of the Endless Twilight, including their thralls, did manage to escape wholesale slaughter, though Smoking Pyre Ashes was mauled extensively by the indomitable and surprisingly eloquent Magut, who is up to words with more than one vowel and is possibly on the cusp of discovering the number three. The Endless Twilight has reportedly retreated to Luthor Von Drakenborg's mountain estate for the Spring, to train, reflect on their experiences, and hopefully be back again one day to compete for another championship.
The matches MVPs were More Like-Chicken of the Endless Twilight, who gets points for simply staying alive, and Lanks McBreak, the feel-good story of the year for Dirt Bursters fans. He's a common skeleton with no heart, no brains, but courage like you wouldn't believe. We'll be watching him in the finals, to be sure.
The Championship Game is almost upon us! The Meathooks have fantastic momentum, winning three straight games to get here, and the defending champs, the Dirt Bursters, are as ferocious as ever! Check back soon to find out if the biggest smear on the trophy will be blood, or embalming fluid!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
We're Not Dead! Most of Us, Anyway.
Apologies for the prolonged blogging absence, dear anyone who actually reads this. Shuffling at the office and all that. Anyway, two games to report on in our long stretch of low activity, though some of the gory details remain lost in the sands of time (and blood blends right in once it's dried).
A match between the Day's End and the Woad Warriors ended at the halftime whistle, when the beleaguered vampire squad was down to its last thrall and had suffered vampiric casualties as well. The final score was 1-0 on a touchdown from Berserker William Wallops. After the game, it was revealed that elite player and snappy dresser Count Luthor Von Drakenborg, after spending time on and off the pitch with the Day's End, had become a part-owner and announced a restructuring plan for the squad. Now known as the Endless Twilight, the vampires are prepping themselves for the future and the upcoming first round of the playoffs. We wish them the best of luck in their new direction! The Woad Warriors were far too drunk to comment.
In the weeks that followed, damage caused by the previously-mentioned Uncontrollable Angry Mob had reduced the number of playable venues drastically, leaving only a dirty stretch of battlefield as a viable location for a match. Seizing the opportunity, the Meathooks and Woad Warriors showed up to compete. At least, the Meathooks did. By all accounts, the scotsmen showed up to take a series of dirtnaps. The final score was 3-0 for the orcs, with a two touchdown performance from the unstoppable Beef Bigaxe and a third from lineman Chip Bonesaw. At the very start of the match, things seemed to sway in the Meathooks' favour as one of their legions of fans pegged Berserker Sean Clobbery of the Woad Warriors square in the head off the first drive. It was also evident that the referees hadn't been informed of the match's location in a timely fashion, and they weren't even present to flip the opening coin toss, much less officiate the first half. A gnome was flipped instead.
The matches MVPs were Gristly Slötterhaus, the Meathooks' foul-tempered and even fouler-smelling troll blocker, and Robert Sideburns, thrower for the Woad Warriors, who at th every least didn't fall down very much. Biggs McStabstab gets a nod as well for his key passing ability during the second half which put the game away for good. While there were a few injuries for both sides, their respective medics stopped the trauma with relative ease, and everyone walked away from this one on their own power. After the match, the Meathooks announced the signing of a goblin player, one Bacon Sandwich ( no relation to Abraham Sandwich of the Fly-by Knights, so we're told) who will undoubtedly become the cornerstone to a troll throwing play...or just the cornerstone of a troll's lunch, we aren't sure yet.
This week the playoffs for the Dungeonbowl begin, and better late than never! The Meathooks and Woad Warriors are primed for a rematch, while the newly reformed Endless Twilight will be testing their mettle against the imposing Dirt Bursters. See you there!
A match between the Day's End and the Woad Warriors ended at the halftime whistle, when the beleaguered vampire squad was down to its last thrall and had suffered vampiric casualties as well. The final score was 1-0 on a touchdown from Berserker William Wallops. After the game, it was revealed that elite player and snappy dresser Count Luthor Von Drakenborg, after spending time on and off the pitch with the Day's End, had become a part-owner and announced a restructuring plan for the squad. Now known as the Endless Twilight, the vampires are prepping themselves for the future and the upcoming first round of the playoffs. We wish them the best of luck in their new direction! The Woad Warriors were far too drunk to comment.
In the weeks that followed, damage caused by the previously-mentioned Uncontrollable Angry Mob had reduced the number of playable venues drastically, leaving only a dirty stretch of battlefield as a viable location for a match. Seizing the opportunity, the Meathooks and Woad Warriors showed up to compete. At least, the Meathooks did. By all accounts, the scotsmen showed up to take a series of dirtnaps. The final score was 3-0 for the orcs, with a two touchdown performance from the unstoppable Beef Bigaxe and a third from lineman Chip Bonesaw. At the very start of the match, things seemed to sway in the Meathooks' favour as one of their legions of fans pegged Berserker Sean Clobbery of the Woad Warriors square in the head off the first drive. It was also evident that the referees hadn't been informed of the match's location in a timely fashion, and they weren't even present to flip the opening coin toss, much less officiate the first half. A gnome was flipped instead.
The matches MVPs were Gristly Slötterhaus, the Meathooks' foul-tempered and even fouler-smelling troll blocker, and Robert Sideburns, thrower for the Woad Warriors, who at th every least didn't fall down very much. Biggs McStabstab gets a nod as well for his key passing ability during the second half which put the game away for good. While there were a few injuries for both sides, their respective medics stopped the trauma with relative ease, and everyone walked away from this one on their own power. After the match, the Meathooks announced the signing of a goblin player, one Bacon Sandwich ( no relation to Abraham Sandwich of the Fly-by Knights, so we're told) who will undoubtedly become the cornerstone to a troll throwing play...or just the cornerstone of a troll's lunch, we aren't sure yet.
This week the playoffs for the Dungeonbowl begin, and better late than never! The Meathooks and Woad Warriors are primed for a rematch, while the newly reformed Endless Twilight will be testing their mettle against the imposing Dirt Bursters. See you there!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
