Rumble in the Jungle; Chupacabras Battle Rampage

Kay Offwrong back again with a report for the Deathdealer Division of the MMBBL, where the playoff race is tighter than a halfling's belt at a pancake buffet. The Sun Temple Chupacabras were in town to take on the newcomer Shattered Plains Rampage.

The Rampage had hired on an additional 2 medical personnel to deal with the oncoming saurus onslaught, and had taken the past week to develop some bonus team training. The 30,482 fans in attendance were mostly in favor of the home team and it was evident through the match.

The Chupacabras kicked off first, but the first big play was from neither team. Rampage fans showed their loyalty by pelting the field with rocks, one of which managed to saurus blocker El Mucho Grande in the back of the head. He was taken off the field to recover for the next drive. The Rampage took advantage of their numbers and began positioning themselves for their advance, however hippo blockers aren't as sure footed as one might guess and Bagunda fell over one of the rocks tossed onto the field by the fans. He, too, was carted off the field to rest up for the next drive.

A veritable wrestling match ensued and both teams were jockeying for position along the line of scrimmage. Iguanadon Quixote knocked over Zubeda repeatedly, and Shenzi the rhino blitzer stunned the still pointless Tyrannosaurus Sex. Seeing a break in the line, Gecko Xtopilopicoatl attempted to get some extra mileage out of his little legs, but couldn't make it, and knocked himself out, giving the numbers advantage back to the Rampage.

With saurii barreling down on him, Hafsa calmly maintained his composure in the pocket created by his hippo blockers and tossed a dandy of a pass to Samus. Then lion berserker then made his way up-field and handed off to the lovely lioness Sarabi, who in no time was into the endzone, giving the home town team a lead of 1-0.

With the fans still in a fit of excitement, the Rampage kicked to the speedy (and nearly unstoppable) skink offense. The fans decided to lend their hand again, and yet another flurry of rocks pelted the field, this time hitting El Legarto Terrible, but only stunning the large lizard powerhouse.

With the ball in play, Sue Xtopilopicoatl snatched it up into her arms and handed off to her speedy and very smooth brother Harpo, who was across midfield in the blink of an eye. Iguanadon Quixote, back from his opening drive nap, was leveled by Nala and with that the Rampage defense had pinned the Chupacabra offense dead in its tracks. Back upfield towards the line of scrimmage, El Mucho Grande laid a doozy of a hit on Yo-Kamba, who would stay in the game, and moved forward to assist the nimble skink. With the saurii rumbling down the field, Meepo
Xtopilopicoatl attempted to break away from Shenzi and catch up, but the rhino's coverage was too much for him and he landed on the field, dazed.

Seeing his fallen skink teammate laid out on the field, El Mucho Grande went into a fit of rage and threw a devastating hit on Zubeda, who had to be taken off the field by the medical staff and patched up. After the carnage cleared, it was Samus to the rescue who threw a great hit on Mondo Xtopilopicoatl knocking the ball loose, and behind him the blitz from Shenzi sent Iguanadon Quixote into the stands.

Even amongst all the Rampage defenders, the ever-agile Pablo Xtopilopicoatl still managed to stride between bodies and under legs, and scoop up the ball. Brother Harpo was not as fortunate as Yo-Kamba sent him into the stands, where the crowd roughed up the little fellow. Ojo the line hippo also laid a terrific hit on Tyrannosaurus Sex, who was taken off the field under the power of the medical staff who had to patch him up.

With the loss of so many players and the goal line still so far away, the half ended, and both teams headed to the locker room to regroup. The Rampage had showed some terrific defense, but how much longer could they hold off one of the leagues top offenses?

The second half's kickoff was up in the air and managed to sail back over half, and the Chupacabras started off with great field position, and Pablo Xtopilopicoatl in control of the ball. His hand off to Gecko was good, and the latter skink was on his way over half behind great saurus coverage. Big Poppa Xtopilopicoatl finally made his presence felt as his laid the hammer down on Nala, knocking the lioness out for the drive.

Again the Rampage looked like they had pinned the Chupacabras in along the side line, and Samus laid a hit on Gecko popping the ball loose. Enter Tyrannosaurus Sex, who began a brilliant blocking chain that allowed Gecko to get his hands on the ball once more, and in a flash he was over the line for his second career Touchdown, making the score 1-1.

The next kickoff went as smoothly as a practice drill, and the ball landed close to Rampage thrower Hafsa. The hippo linemen began to push forward and the struggle for positioning began once more. Zubeda managed to catch a pass from Hafsa but the skinks showed some defensive prowess and managed to knock over the hefty hippo. With numbers on their side, Shenzi and Banzai cleared the way for Hafsa, knocking over several saurii. Hafsa was away down the sideline with lots of protection, and Pablo Xtopilopicoatl managed to get in his way, but the blitz from Zubeda was all the Rampage needed. Hafsa hung onto the ball and crossed the goal line just as the whistle sounded to end the game. Final score: 2-1 Rampage.

MVPs of the game were Sue Xtopilopicoatl, who learned a new trick for her next game, and Banzai the rhino blitzer who showed muscle on the line.

That's all from Shattered Plains Arena, join me next week as the Razor Hill Spine Breakers battle the Bleakwood Breakers in a Bloodbath division showdown.

Rampage Roll Over Lurkers

The dark, humid jungles of Ghetitophmi were the venue for some more MMBBL action this past Thursday, when the Lurkers of Azzilizza hosted the Shattered Plains Rampage at the Citadel of Azzilizza. The dark elves were intent on impressing their revered matron in this first league match, while the Rampage were extremely surly from the uncomfortable cross-continental teleportation process. Much to the Lurkers' dismay, thousands of traveling Lurkers fans had swarmed to their home arena, leading to bizarre cases of the home team actually being booed when the got their hands on the ball. The Rampage won the coin toss, and chose to receive first.

Taking advantage of the moderate case of "Port Lag" that was affecting their beastmen opponents, the Lurkers blitzed on the opening play, with witch elf Inafay Yifana'Ii nearly making it to where the ball eventually touched down. Finally, the Rampage started moving, and to great effect, as the front line of hippos and rhinos plowed steadily forward. Charging madly, leonine berserker Yo-Kamba launched himself at Inafay Yifana'Ii, shoving the witch elf out of play. Fortunately, the elf was caught in the arms of several Lurkers fans, and was carried back to her dugout safely. With extra space to move, hyena thrower Hafsa spotted the nimble Sarabi running up the middle of the pitch, and tossed her a bullet patch which she caught expertly.

The elves began a regroup, but the hustle and bustle of Rampage muscle met them at every turn. While Yo-Kamba set about knocking out anything in a Lurkers uniform, Sarabi made a quick cut back to the outside, leaving a handful of elves in her dust. Line elf Frazz Zufra tried to catch her, but collapsed after taking an awkward step, landing sorely on his head. Zufra was dragged off the field quickly and discreetly, but the parade of pain wasn't about to stop yet. Breaking for the goal line, Sarabi crashed into blitzer Jarlox Oxilljar, catching him square in the neck with the ball's four-inch steel spikes. The force of the impact carried Sarabi and the instantly-dead Oxilljar over the line, and the score was 1-0 for the Rampage.

Bruised but not broken, the Lurkers took to the field once more for their first drive. The roar of the crowd was deafening, particularly when Matron Azzilizza herself stood and showed her favour to the dark elf squad. Inspired, runner Drixit Itixdur fielded the ball and passed it expertly to his counterpart Wistixle Keslestwis. The elf team as a whole then shifted to one side of the field to afford some protection to their runner, and all looked good until Keslestwis fell while trying to get away from a hippo blocker. The ball squirted free awkwardly as he tumbled to the ground. Medical staff took a look at him, and following a brief examination, declared Wistixle Keslestwis dead from heart failure. Enraged, Matron Azzilizza ordered her witch doctors to revive the runner and kill him again, much more slowly, as punishment for not being forthcoming about his precarious medical condition prior to joining the team.

As the confusion abated, the first set of hands to find the ball was that of hippo lineman newcomer Zubeda. With nothing standing in his way thanks to the Rampages' two rhinoceros powerhouses, Zubeda hustled his way into the end zone to make it a two to nothing lead for the Shattered Plains club. The half ended a few moments later, as the next kickoff was more of a formality than anything, and time expired before the Lurkers could mount another attempt.

As the second half started, the dark elves, now reeling from not one but two teammate deaths, took the field against a Rampage squad that was fully awake and had a taste for blood. Fielding the high kick was Drixit Itixdur, as the Rampage players surrounded the nimble elves cautiously. Depleted thought they may be, they were still faster and quicker. With the coverage in place, Yo-Kamba the lion made his blitz against the ball-carrier, but the quick-thinking dark elf dumped the pass off to lineman Shrick'kahn Annikshri and the Lurkers' plans were still in effect. It seemed not meant to be, however, as almost immediately thereafter, Annikshri was leveled by a journeyman hippo who'd been hired on to fill a gap in the line. The ball fell free and was picked up by Zubeda, who had scored once earlier. Wanting, it seemed, to get every species in on the action, Zubeda attempted a handoff to rhino Shenzi, but the play was botched and the ball was recovered by witch elf Melanissa Sanilameh, who hurled it as far as possible back in the other direction, with no apparent target but somewhere away from Rampage players.

Watching the backfield was Hafsa the hyena, and he was quick to make a move for the ball, now resting halfway between the Rampage end zone and the line of scrimmage. Those elves who could move into range ran headlong towards Hafsa as he picked it up, hoping to screen any passing attempt and perhaps pull down an interception. Undeterred, Hafsa hurled the ball in a tight spiral to Ojo the line hippo, who made the catch at midfield and charged forward to hand off to Shenzi for a second attempt. This time the handoff was good, and the big rhino rumbled on down to the end zone to put the game fully out of reach at 3-0.

Receiving the final kick of the game, Drixit Itixdur made no mistake on his pass to blitzer Zanzill Illzizan. With no play left that would yield points with such little time left, the Lurkers were content to hang back and lick their wounds...but the Rampage would have none of it. Putting a final stamp on the game, Banzai the rhino charged into line elf Krrox Roxrrk, dealing significant damage and rendering the poor elf useless for the forseeable future. not a very promising start for the hard-luck Lurkers of Azzilizza, but the MMBBL's other elf team showed that given enough time, there's no telling how big a contender can be made out of any squad.

Match MVP awards were presented to the Lurkers' Zanzill Illzizan, and to Rampage berserker Yo-Kamba. Also worthy of note was the blocking power of Banzai the rhino.

And that brings us to the end of the first week of play in Deathdealer Division! Stay tuned though, because we've got a few challenge matches to report on, and Bloodbath's next week gets underway tomorrow!

Dungeonbowl Ramp-Up part 4: Deathdealer Division

And now that Bloodbath has had its due, it's Deathdealer's turn!



The Blackwater Bilgerunners, despite some rough patches in the playoffs, remain one of the top teams in the history of the MMBBL. Built around blinding speed and great skill, they've managed to pack on a few pounds and become the model of resilience in a league that gets frequent customer points at the local funeral home. Led by the sharp direction of quarterback Fivel Mausketrap, the skaven want nothing less than total victory this season. As blitzer Jenner puts it, "It's time to separate the mice from the men - with the mice on top!"

Coached by: Jon Roth. Arena Rule: It's Coming Down!: When rolling on the weather table, a roll of 10-11 is considered pouring rain.


The Chupacabras are responsible for a lot of good MMBBL press in parts of the world which otherwise would have no clue it even existed. A team composed of high-flying luchadors, masked marvels and caped conquistadors, their electrifying play has enthralled lizard and man alike. The Chupacabras do want to win, for hoisting the Dungeonbowl trophy would be as great to them as donning the championship belt. Still, they remain committed to their humble roots, and remember that they are playing not just for themselves, says saurus El Mucho Grande, but also for "the lizard niños, who everyday watch us and say "I wish to be the great Bludbol player like them, papa! It is for their sake that we strive for the greatness."

Coached by: Sandy Miller. Arena Rule: Ceremonial Prisms: When rolling on the weather table, a result of 3-4 is treated as Very Sunny.


From the wild, wide-open spaces of Gontufar come the Rampage, driven by instinct to play a game with primal implications. Despite the loss of a few players from unpleasant circumstances during Blood Bowl Day, their ferocity is not diminished in the slightest. Competition is second nature to these belligerent beasts, and as berserker Yo-Kamba likes to say, "in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion kicks your ass!" A weeee, um um away, indeed.

Coached by: Ryan Keizer. Arena Rule: Stampede: During a player's turn, if that player performs a blitz action which results in an opponent taking a casualty, the blitzing player may make a second blitz action this turn. This is not cumulative.

Serving their enigmatic matron, Azzilizza herself, in her jungle citadel, the Lurkers are a combination of her thirst for violence, her desire to prove her people superior to others, and of course, her occasional focus on royal whims and fancies. The lurkers themselves, for their part, are unflinchingly loyal and coolly resolved to prove their prowess on the pitch. Witch Elf Melanissa Sanilameh is quite clear when she says, "Victory is the Matron's will, and the Matron's will is law!" I'd stay out of her way, folks.

Coached by: Chris Mudd. Arena Rule: Matron's Favour: When the result on the kickoff table is either Cheering Fans or Brilliant Coaching, flip a coin, with the receiving team calling it in the air. Whoever wins the coin toss may double his or her die roll result for this kickoff.

With dwarves, it's not all about gold, and mines, and booze. Okay, yes, it is, but with the Dark Iron Dreadnaughts from Durr Dammaz, it's also about grudges. Grudges held so long by so many that they're worn down to dust that's been breathed in by the deep-dwellers for countless generations. Stubborn even by dwarf standards, the Dreadnaughts come from a life of underground warfare - they live in the deep mountains, under surface territory claimed by the orc tribes. Their leaders, in an effort to divert the most troubled, dangerous dwarves to constructive uses of time, formed the Dreadnaughts as a way to show dwarven dominance without bringing the mountain down around their ears. Runner Ozgar Blackaxe sees it a little differently, though. "We win all the time, underground. Blood Bowl, closer as it is to the damnable sun, shows us our enemies' strengths on their own turf...as well as their weaknesses."

Coached by: Jai Gagnon. Arena Rule: Stone Floor: When the ball bounces on the ground, it bounces one additional time.



While nearly all of the county of Murdska was ravaged by plagues of undeath, Grenedale (formerly Greendale) arguably got the worst and weirdest of it. For most beings, undeath is something bad that happens after you die. For the Lesionnaires and their folk, it was something that came in like wisdom teeth. The most disturbing part might be the lack of pain - like lepers, they simply lose all feeling in the walking shells their bodies have become. Actually, the most disturbing part is probably how they carry on as if nothing happened, living, working, playing Blood Bowl...No, wait, the most disturbing part is when their eyeballs randomly explode. Yuck. In the words of rotter Filth Collins, "I can feel it...coming in the air tonight. Oh, lord, and I've been waiting for this moment all my life!" Quite the enthusiasm from someone caked in an inch of refuse!

Coached by: Matt Stroud. Arena Rule: Leaving your Mark: If a player is killed, the team whose player got the casualty point for that kill gains a cumulative +1 to their FAME for the remainder of the match.


And there you have it! Fourteen teams in two divisions making for the biggest, meanest MMBBL lineup to date! Tomorrow the regular season kicks off with Bloodbath Division's first round of hostilities! See you there, sportsfiends!

Dungeonbowl Ramp-Up part 2: Blood Bowl Day!

This weekend, our larger family of teams and coaches came together once again for an all-day Blood Bowl marathon. While it would, of course, take weeks for me to document everything that went on in the twenty-some total games that were played, I can certainly touch upon some of the highlights.

For starters, player deaths. It was a bloody, bloody Blood Bowl day, sportsfiends. All told, five bright young stars-to-be had their destiny ripped out along with assorted vital organs and tissues. Stewart Backa of the Stargazin' Farmboys met his grisly end, and was shipped back to Dago's Bog to be returned to the loam of his homeland. Likewise, feline blitzer Mademoiselle Mechante ran out of lives in a hurry and will be reduced to a spectator's point of view from the great litterbox in the sky. A werewolf known as "Come Get Some" from the Drudgetown Deadites was a victim of an unfortunate circumstance, when after being pushed into the crowd, was devoured handily by about three dozen zombies. Finally, a double blow was dealt to the Shattered Plains Rampage, as both the hippo lineman Zazuk and lion berserker Rama were inhumed by the largely unsanitary efforts of the Grenedale Lesionnaires. The Lesionnaires being what they are, were of course pleased to announce the addition of Rama and Zazuk to their lineup after those matches.

For all the sadness there was, still some joy. Most noticeably, Nala of the Rampage, who piled up a whopping three touchdowns and two MVP awards in this long day of destruction, and Klaatu Nikto of the Deadites who got in for four touchdowns. Promising preseason efforts from both individuals!

The season will be starting on Tuesday, with Bloodbath division kicking off our eight-week regular season schedule. In the next post, we'll get a look at the teams playing for the Dungeonbowl championship. This season sees a very good mix of skill and strength, so anything could happen as the Razor Hill Spinebreakers defend their league title!