No one gave the Pancake Valley Shortstacks much credit, or much of a chance, all season long in the MMBBL. All that changed on Tuesday night, as these herculean halflings stood tall against the Fly-by Knights in a playoff match for the ages.
Valor Keepe Stadiumme was a strange sight to see. The Shortstacks fans in attendance outnumbered the Knights' faithful; perhaps the human team's fans thought that the victory was assured, that they'd save their cheers for the second round. Halfling visitors gladly scooped up their tickets, though, so proud they were to see their beloved Shortstacks make the playoffs in their first season.
The Shortstacks won the coin toss and chose to receive first. Perhaps the Knights were guilty of taking their small opponents lightly, perhaps they simply misread the play, but the halflings got the jump on the first half with a quick snap, and had their familiar aerial assault underway before anyone could react. Cream Sugarfoot, one of the halflings' brightest spots this season, fielded the ball and made his way forward, hading the ball off to teammate Tub Trollfodder. Trollfodder was scooped up by Mr. Tree, and launched down the pitch like a pasty rocket. Landing safely, Trollfodder scooted past the deep Knights defense and, reaching deep down for a final surge of energy, crossed the goal line. It was one to nothing for the Shortstacks, and their enthusiasm permeated the entire stadium.
The Knights, for their part, were by no means concerned for their chances. With Silver Elbow-contender Lance Freely fielding the football, the humans set about their own brand of offense, beginning with a crunch as Victor Dashing drove Cam Sizzlespam soundly into the dirt, nearly punching the halfling's mortal clock in the process. With the path cleared by his offensive line, Freely passed the ball forward to Stanley "Stainless" Steele, who made his move upfield and was over half in no time. What worked well on offense for the halflings would prove to work well on defense too, as Barkley Hobbittosser picked up and launched the little legend, Puggy Baconbreath, sending him soaring over the heads of man and half-man alike. Baconbreath landed cleanly, right in front of a bewildered Stanley Steele, and laid the nimble receiver out with a shot to the thigh. The ball came loose, but no one could get an immediate handle on it.
As the human linemen showed dominating force on the line of scrimmage, the mobile offense began to reform itself as Steele got to his feet and retrieved the wayward ball. Hobbittosser launched another halfling in an effort to recreated his previous success, but he landed far enough away for Steele to glimpse daylight. Plowing past his waist-high coverage, Stanley got into the clear and scored the tying touchdown.
A bad kick on the ensuing Shortstacks drive put the ball in the hands of Fatty "Fatty" Fat Fat, who lined up right behind Mr. Tree. Try as they did, the Knights couldn't get to Fat Fat on the blitz, and the morbidly obese little fellow was soon airborne. Right down the middle of the field he flew, and with a surprisingly nimble display of dodging, he was into the end zone to restore the Shortstacks' lead. bewildered Knights fans could only look on with mouths agape - surely they couldn't keep making this play work, could they?
The Knights themselves decided that they'd need to match pace with the diminutive Shortstacks, if only to avoid wearing themselves out with drives that went on for several minutes. Another quick snap on the kickoff gave them the jump they needed, and Lance Freely launched another pass to his favourite target, Stanley Steele. Bolting down the sideline, Steele must have been too focused on speed, unaware of a large ham that had been dropped from the stands by a careless, most likely hungry and sad fan. Steel crashed over the ham and fell flat on his face, the ball squeezing free and resting beside him. Sloth Lovechunk of the Shortstacks was the first halfling on the scene, but his priorities shifted unfortunately upon seeing the discarded ham. forgetting the prone receiver and the ball, Lovechunk actually tripped over Steele himself en route to the glazed meat, and lost consciousness upon hitting the ground. As luck would have it, following up the play was the explosive Victor Dashing, who, unimpeded by hams and men, gathered up the ball and strode into the end zone to tie the score yet again.
believe it or not, with the score tied at two, there was still plenty of time left...in the first half! Once again, the Shortstacks' standard offense ran like clockwork, and the Knights found themselves powerless to stop it. Cream Sugarfoot fielded the kick, handed off to Douche Baggins, and Barkley Hobbittosser hurled the small fellow skyward. His landing stuck, Baggins bolted through the legs of a surprised human defender, and the lead was restored once more. The crowd was going crazy, there was an electricity in the air...but more on that later.
With little time to go in the first half, the Knights received again, but thrower Lance Freely was immediately beset by both the ferocious halflings and the jeers of their fans from all around him in the stadium. Unable to get a grip on the ball, Freely was soon surrounded by Shortstacks. They pushed him aside abruptly, taking Freely out of the play, and the determined halflings surrounded the ball. Jiff Jellyroll recovered the prize, but on his way downfield, the halftime whistle sounded. The Pancake Valley Shortstacks were leading three to two - could they hold on, or would the stunned Knights recover in the second period?
As the second half started, the effects of human beer on halfling physiology became evident, as a particularly belligerent little fellow lobbed what may have been his second bottle onto the pitch, clocking young Knights receiver Brad Attitûd in the back of the head. Enraged by this, the human fans present cried out for justice. An unnamed duke in attendance took particular exception to this foul play, and hurls his gauntlet onto the field as a challenge to the drunken halfling. The gauntlet caught Shortstacks player Fatty Fat Fat square in the head, and as the large lad was haled away on a stretcher, the crowd seemed to settle down, accepting this result as a substitute for conventional satisfaction of honour.
As play finally started, The ball came to Lance Freely, who again had trouble getting a handle on it. Seizing the opportunity, Barkley Hobbittosser planted his feet and pitched a surprised Tub Trollfodder into coverage. Trollfodder made his landing, and to the surprise of all, got hold of the ball, taking off downfield, hoping to score before his stomach caught up to him. Frustrated beyond belief, Freely charged after him, finally knocking the halfling out and getting the ball back. Not willing to push his luck by holding on to it any longer, Freely passed downfield to - guess who - Stanley Steele, who made the catch and was in the clear. The only thing between Steele and the end zone was clear, open air. He didn't even notice the smell of ozone, but felt its results immediately, when from out of the blue came a bolt which stunned the hard-luck catcher and dropped him to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
On the scene quickly was Cream Sugarfoot of the Shortstacks, picking up the smoking football and running like a bullet back up to his tree folk teammates. not quite able to make it, Sugarfoot passed to Tub Trollfodder, but the pass was dropped. It was the Knights' turn to be opportunistic now, and lineman Abraham Sandwich got hold of the ball. Barkley Hobbittosser, fixing to stop this renewed Knights surge, tossed Puggy Baconbreath into the mix, and Puggy landed on target, quickly pushing Sandwich down and stripping the ball from his arms. With chaos erupting everywhere, no one noticed as Chet Jackweed coolly shoved his halfling coverage into the stands before marching up to the ball, recovering it, and plowing his way into the end zone. after much effort, the Knights had tied the game again...but would the Shortstacks simply steal the lead back?
The answer, of course, was "yes, they would". he kickoff was clean, And saw Flapjack Porkbelly pick up the ball. He handed it off immediately to Pimpley Backfat, and Mr. Tree went through the motions, lobbing Backfat downfield where he landed cleanly. Try as they might, the Knights' deep defense could not find an answer to the dodges and dekes of these crafty halflings, and Pimpley Backfat made it 4-3 for the Shortstacks with graceful ease.
Down by a point with little time remaining, the Knights needed everyone to be playing perfectly on this last drive. Lance Freely fielded the high kick, and ran forward to make his throw go as far as possible. Barkley Hobbittosser loaded up Puggy Baconbreath and prepared to throw him at Freely, looking to end the game right there - but Baconbreath's pants became fouled in some branches, and the star player fell safely but pantless to the turf. Freely flung the ball into the air, and it came down in the hands of Stanley Steele. "Stainless" was off like a shot and into the end zone, and the whistle blew. the score was four points apiece, and we were going to overtime.
The Fly-by Knights won the coin toss and, not surprisingly, elected to receive. Much to the humans' delight, the halfling kick went out of bounds, and Lance Freely started the overtime period with the ball in his hands. What didn't go over so well was the heat - for whatever reason, nature had decided to test the players against the elements. despite the adverse conditions for an already tired team, Lance Freely found Stanley "Stainless" Steele open at the sidelines. Mr. Tree of the Shortstacks wasn't about to let him get away, and picked up Tub Trollfodder to chuck in Steele's general direction. the toss was quite good, but the landing was botched, and badly. Tub Trollfodder left the game with a badly mangled ankle, likely to slow the plucky halfling down in the future. With coverage blown, Steele was home free, and the Knights were glad to take an early lead in the overtime.
With the heat stifling both teams and exhausting their numbers, the Knights kicked off to the Shortstacks. Another bad kick saw the ball come directly to Douche Baggins, who was tossed downfield by Mr. Tree, only to land well short of his goal. In a panic, staring down a line of human defenders, Baggins retreated to the safety of the halfling front line, and handed off to Puggy Baconbreath just to be safe. With the sound of Barglesnart Livingstone banging on their figurative door, the frantic Shortstacks tried again, this time to great success. Puggy was airborne and landed in a matter of moments, and once again, the humans' deep defense couldn't contain the shifty halfling offense.
As the heat persisted, several more halflings simply couldn't take it, and refused to get out of the kitchen, where their team chef was making popsicles. To make matters worse, the referees had succumbed to heat exhaustion as well, and the remainder of the match was poised to proceed however its participants saw fit. Lance Freely may have been the lone cool head on the pitch, as he shovel-passed the ball to Stanley Steele. Looking for the stop, Barkley chucked Puggy Baconbreath into the way, but the star landed squarely on top of his own teammate, Pimpley Backfat. Though there was a great deal of confusion, both emerged unharmed, and Puggy got up to give Steele a mighty shove. Steele dodged the blow neatly and turned to run laterally and find an opening. Meanwhile, the halflings began the process of evening the odds, with Jiff Jellyroll and company shoving Tad Overdrest out of bounds. Pip Pieface was next to be thrown to glory, landing right next to Stanley Steele and lending a hand as Puggy Baconbreath bore down on the receiver. The hit was true, Steele went down and the ball squirted free to Pieface, and to make matters worse for the Knights, Baconbreath then proceeded to foul Steel outright, knocking the man out cold!
Puggy Baconbreath's rampage continued as he blitzed through Abraham Sandwich, clearing the path for Pip Pieface to get to a treeman. Chucked by Barkley Hobbittosser, Pieface was unable to stick the landing, though he himself was uninjured. On the spot was Lance Freely, who saw nothing but carnage all around him. Picking up the ball, moving to avoid pursuit, he looked...and found Cyrano de Baggagerack, open and not far from the end zone! That pass was up, deep, the longest pass of the night and in recent memory...and was caught! de Baggagerack hauled the ball in and stormed over the goal line, giving the Knights the lead for the first time, and with mere seconds remaining to play.
As the players took the field once more, the heat wave broke and turned to driving rain, further complicating things for any would-be ball carriers. As the kick landed, Puggy Baconbreath made his move to retrieve the ball...and lost his grip on it. Time expired, and the Knights' faithful rejoiced. A game for the ages had been played, nearly lost, and won by their beloved Blue and Green. You couldn't ask for a more exciting finish. The Shortstacks, for their part, were cheered relentlessly by their fans despite the loss, and shook hands with the humans after the game, with newfound respect and many words of support. Don't be surprised if, the next time you hear someone say that a halfling can't play Blood Bowl, it's a human who steps up to defend the small wonders.
MVPs of this incredible match were Cream Sugarfoot, the fast moving Pancake Valley Shortstack, and lineman Wamsley Wedgeworth of the Fly-by Knights. Also worthy of accolades were the impressively sure-footed Fatty "Fatty" Fat Fat, and the alert pass-defending skill of Chet Jackweed.
What a finish, Sportsfiends! And the fun's only just started, as two more playoff matches are just over the horizon - the Blueriver Wardoves renew hostilities with the Sun Temple Chupacabras, while the Darkmire Carnosaurs square off against the Razor Hill Spinebreakers. See you then!
