Grand Slam: Dirt Bursters go Four-for-Four in MMBBL Tournaments

The Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters met the Smash and Go'nads this Tuesday, in the culmination of the Summer season and the entire MMBBL year - The Blood Bowl. The struggle was mighty, the competition fierce. The two most deserving squads in the MMBBL met to decide its reigning champion. Undead clashed with dwarf, and in the end, the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters maintained their legacy as the league's premier team.

Winning the coin toss, the Dirt Bursters opted to receive first. Fans from both sides roared with challenge, the sun gazed down approvingly, and the game was underway. The loudness of the undead fans overtook the rowdiness of the dwarves as the kick landed, and the explosive Chompsalot recovered the ball as the undead line tore into the dwarven defenders. Regrouping, the dwarves refused to give so much as an inch without the greatest of efforts. Answering the challenge, the Dirt Bursters offensive line left no avenues for the Go'nads to penetrate and harass Chompsalot. It seemed there might be a full stop to the undead run as Stumps O'Boggy was knocked out by Holden McGroin...but then through the narrowest of gaps burst Chompsalot, with wights and zombies sealing the breach behind him. Chompsalot was off like a shot, and by the end of the first quarter it was 1-0 Dirt Bursters.

Looking to retaliate with a score of their own, the Smash and Go'nads lined up and set for the attack. Unfortunately for them, they couldn't pick up the surprise blitz from the undead in time, and paying the price early on was troll slayer Euin Whatarmy. Suffering near-fatal chest decompression at the gangrenous hands of Chunk Norton, Whatarmy managed to escape death with the less-serious (but still crippling) disfigurement of his ribcage. Meanwhile, Chompsalot made a surge through the dwarf offensive line, attempting to leap over the nearest Go'nad to chase down the ball. He picked the wrong dwarf to vault over, though. No one is entirely sure what Gil T. Azell uses to maintain his massive mohawk's shape, but it was enough to knock the wind out of Chompsalot as he slammed gut-first into the impressive hairdo. Still, the ghouls kept charging forward, and Ned Gummers laid a blitz into Dick Gozinia after the dwarf runner picked up the ball. unphased by the attack, Gozinia deftly shoveled a pass to fellow runner Adam Meway, who began to tear up the middle into protective cover. Again, a ghoul came by to cause havoc, and this time Bahnaynay laid a hit into Meway, only to see the wily dwarf return the favour from Dick Gozinia, tossing the ball back to safety.

Time was running short for the dwarves, but likewise for some of the undead as well. Hats off to Tinny, the plucky thrall-turned-zombie, for going toe-to-toe with Cludge Slamboni's custom deathroller and coming out of the ordeal no more or less dead than he started. Still, Slamboni's crowd-clearing presence opened a gap, and Dick Gozinia had a brief chance to unload a pass and perhaps tie the game. The toss was perfect, but out of the melee rose Bahnaynay, who hauled the throw in with one hand, denying the dwarves with his timely interception. Bahnaynay maintained possession until the whistle sounded, and the score at halftime remained one to nothing, the Dirt Bursters clinging to their precarious lead.

The second half kickoff showed more incredible defensive play from the Dirt Bursters, as they were able to reorganize themselves to counter the Go'nads' attack plan from the get-go. Dick Gozinia retrieved the football, but Ned Gummers was already on top of him once again. Alertness being Gozinia's stock in trade, he expertly dumped off a pass the Adam Meway who maneuvered upfield. These two dwarves certainly knew how to maintain possession. Finally, Chompsalot found a stop to the dwarf passing when he blitzed Adam Meway, whose lateral to Gozinia was off-target. Meway fought his way back to it, though, and recovered the ball again for the dwarves.

Now looking to hurl the ball upfield, Meway was foiled yet again, and the moans of the dwarven fans said it best. From the sidelines came Bubtunk Bagrot, the new ghoul in town, who pulled down the pass and with it, the Smash and Go'nads' hopes. Just as all seemed lost, however, Bagrot took a spill trying to get away from coverage, and the ball was fumbled loose! Yet again, Adam Meway pounced on the loose ball and the dwarf forces regrouped. Another hit came on Meway, but his pass to Dick Gozinia was true this time. The dwarves stubbornly pushed up the field, inch by inch. The undead needed a big stop to put this game away.

The stops began to materialize and the Dirt Bursters rallied as a surge spearheaded by Lez White took shape. White crashed headlong into Adam Meway, nearly taking the dwarf's head clean off with the force of the blow. After several moments of great concern, Meway finally awoke, spitting up blood and and his breakfast beer. Though unable to continue playing, all were relieved that he would live to play another day.

Seeking an exit from the crush of bodies, Dick Gozinia blitzed his way out of a tight spot, only to catch his foot on a rock and crash into the turf, losing his hold on the ball. Lez White moved in to gather up the prize, but couldn't get a good handle on it. Still too many dwarves were on the field to reliably escape from coverage, but the Dirt Bursters' twin towers of terror would change that in short order. First, Khermit picked up Achilles Punks by the beard and hurled him into a sideline post where the line dwarf slumped, unmoving except for the occasional groan. Then Magut echoed his teammate's sentiments, bringing his knee up on blitzer Moe Lester and leaving the dwarf in a puddle of his own blood and sweat.

Still, the dwarves fought on, giving no easy path to the football, and Ned Gummers was unable to pick it up. A loud horn sounded, and a burst of steam signaled the arrival of Cludge Slamboni's deathroller, who neatly plowed No Guts Bob into a heap, again dislodging the ball from where it lay. It disappeared into the sea of bodies, and then emerged again, held aloft by none other than Chunk Norton. Norton attempted a pass downfield, but fumbled when he arm unhinged on the pump fake. His job was done, though, as time continued to wind down. In a final burst of maliciousness, Khermit drove Drew Peacock three feet into the softened pitch with a great overhand smash, nearly collapsing the dwarf's entire spinal column. Fortunately a splint was applied as they hauled him off the field, and Peacock would live to play another day.

With that, time expired, and the last whistle blew. As close a battle as any yet witnessed in the MMBBL's brief history was over, and the Dirt Bursters had carried the day, with a final score of 1-0. Favoured from the beginning, the undead delivered to their fans. Underdogs from the start, the stalwart Smash and Go'nads have nothing to be ashamed of. Both teams left it all out on the field, mingled with a great deal of teeth, blood, and scraps of uniform.

In addition to the great prestige of playing in the Blood Bowl Championship, an honour shared by all who participated, Game MVP awards were presented to Eric Shun of the Dirt Bursters, presumably for recognition of his play for BOTH squads this season, and to Drew Peacock of the Smash and Go'nads, who showed remarkable motivation and speed for someone carrying around fourty pounds of beard.

And there you have it, sportsfiends. A fourth championship for the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, and perhaps their toughest win yet. To the relief of many other teams, the Dirt Bursters announced after their victory that they would be departing for other tournaments across the globe, spreading the MMBBL's name as ambassadors of our sport. Joining them on this tour will be the highly-regarded Meathooks, led by their veteran captain Beef Bigaxe and golden goblin Hammish.

Thanks for tuning in, folks! The MMBBL Commissioner's Office thanks its coach wrangler, its owners, its coaches and officials, its players living, dead and at points in between, and of course its legions of fans. And be watchful, for another great season is on the horizon as we speak...

Undead Earn Perfect Season Despite Knights' Strong Showing

The final formality with regards to the Chaos Cup season has come and gone, and the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters once again reign as the MMBBL's champions. It wasn't an easy finish by any means, and their final opponents, the Fly-by Knights, made them earn every inch on the march to victory.

Still displeased by the vein of mediocrity plaguing this talented team, the Dirt Bursters released zombies Stabbo and Shamus Smith, formerly of the Meathooks and Gildengrip's Gold Miners, respectively. Then, in a move to replace the fallen Blacky Gobbler, eager rookie ghoul Dug Nobs was hired to bring another element of speed to the roster. The day couldn't have been more perfect, the matchup couldn't have been more storied. Two of the league's founding teams, one having tasted victory, the other having only wafted its honeyed aroma.

The first possession went to the Dirt Bursters, and before anyone could handle the ball, one zealous fan decided to "handle" one of the Knights' linemen. We aren't sure where he got the brick, but none were as surprised as Max Limit, who crumpled like a cardboard parapet when the projectile struck him in the helmet. He was dragged off hurriedly before the ball landed, to sleep off the mild head trauma.

The ball came down near the illustrious Ol' Teabagger, whose exploits and talent are now so far-reaching that if you don't know who we're talking about, you should probably go back to the archives for an education in glory. Making his way into the safety of the zombie-mummy pocket, the O.T.B. was caught off guard by Knights' running back Jacques Strappe, who knocked the ball loose into the fray. The Knights weren't going to make this easy, but the undead line rose to the occasion, as Lez White opened the hostilities by throttling lineman Solomon Squatz. Squatz appeared to have broken his neck, which would mean almost certain demotion to the minors, but the docs worked out the problem quickly, and the injury was revealed as merely a pinched nerve, still serious but not life-threatening.

The Towering mummy Khermit put his own stamp on the game immediately afterwards, putting cocky Knights blitzer Chet Jackweed out for the match with a mighty shove. The gap left by the two fallen linemen was all the Dirt Bursters needed, and Ned Gummers charged out of the melee, sprinting in for the first touchdown of the game. Could the Fly-by Knights respond?

They set about doing just that, and the ever-effective Lance Freely, heavily favoured to win the Silver Elbow this year, completed his first pass of the game to catcher Stanley Steele. Steele was brought down, however, and when wight No Guts Bob forced a gap in the human line by laying out Wamsley Wedgeworth, Ol' Teabagger finished what he started on his first run and scored to make it two to nothing for the Dirt Bursters. The entire crowd was moaning, both from the anguish of the human fans and the assumed joy of the undead supporters. With little time to play in the first half, Jacques Strappe completed a pass to Brad Attitûd, though the catcher didn't have enough time to run the ball in before the whistle blew.

Battered and bruised after just one half, down two linemen and a blitzer, the Knights needed to rally around something - anything - to make a game of it. To their dismay, the undead read their play perfectly on the second half kickoff, and the Knights' already lopsided line of scrimmage was further compromised by a blitz from the Dirt Bursters. Even as the undead pressed the advantage on one side, however, the Knights made their hay by running a reversal. Jacques Strappe unloaded the long pass to Stanley Steele, who showed remarkable selflessness in handing off to Brad Attitûd, who in turn was off like a shot down the sideline. Aware of the chance to score, the human line threw itself boldly in the way of any potential playbreakers, and hard-working Abraham Sandwich made the greatest of the ensuing impacts, breaking the neck of newcomer Dug Nobs. Welcome to the league, Dug! Though with an injury like that it may not be a very long stay. Still, the Dirt Bursters managed to break coverage, and Ned Gummers knocked Attitûd on his backside. The Knights responded with even more high-risk strategy, as Attitûd got up and sprinted for the end zone while Steele, who had been following the play, grabbed the loose ball and shovel-passed it to his fellow catcher. One step closer to tying the match, the Knights still had a lot of work to do.

What happened next just goes to show you that no matter how tough, how talented, and how effectively detached from the mortal coil a player may supposedly be, by no means is he immortal, and certainly not without his moments of weakness. A standard running play by the Dirt Bursters on the following kickoff was going just as planned, and it looked like they could seal the victory with ease. Ol' Teabagger moved like lightning through the Knights defense, until faced with the mountain of mayhem known as Barglesnart Livingstone. The ogre was, by all accounts, oblivious to his surroundings and didn't even see the ghoul coming. Looking to cut corners in his charge, Teabagger made a flying leap to pass directly over the ogre...and apparently miscalculated. The wily ghoul crashed pelvis-first into Livingstone's helmet, and what on a smaller defender would result in moderate humiliation instead resulted in a catastrophic change to the ghoul's flight plans. Barreling end over end, Ol' Teabagger crashed to the ground in a heap and was carted away with serious but non-permanent injuries.

The Knights seized the opportunity immediately, and Lance Freely was on the spot as he found the foolhardy Flash Madison with a beauty of a pass. Chompsalot the ghoul would have nothing of it, and ran the catcher into the dirt, though he was unhurt in the collision. The same would not hold true for Chompsalot himself, who was subsequently trod under by Jacques Strappe, and removed from the pitch to sort out his insides in peace. In came Cyrano de Baggagerack on a charge through the remaining Dirt Bursters defense, retrieving the ball while on the move, and lunging into the end zone to tie the match. The crowd was in an uproar now, with the Knights rejuvenated by success and the Dirt Bursters depleted by the loss of three of their four ghouls.

With their most skilled players in a heap in the infirmary, the Dirt Bursters looked to unlikely sources for success. Ned Gummers may have been the ghoul for the job to get that final touchdown, but he couldn't simply dissolve the Knights' line. Enter Tinny, former vampire Thrall of the Day's End and one of the few low prospects to escape the recent firings from Dirt Bursters management. Tinny not only stopped what might have been another Knights "smash and grab" tactic, but also laid out Cyrano de Baggagerack with an uncharacteristic show of might. This was enough for the Dirt Bursters, with both teams seriously depleted. Ned Gummers broke through coverage, and with enough skill to avoid the onslaught of defenders, crossed the line to count the third undead touchdown.

With little time remaining, the Knights could only hope to lose once more with dignity. Lance Freely found Brad Attitûd with one final pass, but the catcher hadn't the speed to make it to the end zone in time. The Knights may have wished that the game could end then and there, because in the dying seconds, Khermit struck again, flattening Jacques Strappe with a bone-jarring hit. Strappe would survive, but lingering tenderness means that he may not be as sturdy as he once was. The final score was 3-2 for the Dirt Bursters. The perfect season was a reality, even thought the toll on the team's talent proved high. The Knights, beleaguered and heavily injured themselves, departed the stadium almost immediately to return to their castles and await the next campaign.

MVPs of the match were Brad Attitûd of the Fly-by Knights and Tinny of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, whose key last-minute block may have won the game for the undead. Also noteworthy was the play of Jacques Strappe, who despite his last-minute injury threw many successful blocks of his own, and Cyrano de Baggagerack, whose strong presence of mind on the line kept many of his teammates safe, though he himself was also injured.

After the match, the Dirt Bursters took to the field, the wounded and healthy alike, to be awarded the Chaos Cup. Each took his turn to drink from its shining bowl, hopeful that the cup would choose him as worthy of its gifts. The first to be rewarded was Magut, the monstrous mummy, who sprouted claws and moaned in undead jubilation. Immediately afterwards, his teammate and fellow wrecking machine Khermit was similarly chosen, and identically rewarded. It seems that Chaos had chosen its champions. Finally, when everyone else had tasted from the Cup, Lez White took his sip, and what happened can only be described accurately as "eeeeyyyyuuuurrrrrrgh". Erupting pustules, twitching ganglia, bursting sores and dental cataclysm exploded from White's face, turning the cheers and praise of the fans observing on the Wizardtron screen into a chorus of heaving and vomit. The gift mirrored the game. Powerful, ugly, and only barely contained by conventional armour.

The Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, returning and still champions of the MMBBL! Next season is the Blood Bowl, and we'll be watching as the undead vie for an unprecedented full year of dominance. Still to come - the final game on the list for the Spring season, with the Blueriver Wardoves looking to upset the Meathooks in a battle for glory and possibly recognition as the team to come closest to the Dirt Bursters. See you then!

Undead Dynasty? Dirt Bursters Defend Title

A combination of all-around team effort and unfortunate miscues by their opponents has given the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters their second consecutive MMBBL Championship title. The final score was 3-0 in a match that went almost completely according to their game plan.

The game began with the deafening roar of innumerable orcish fans, which was soon followed by the equally awful din as those fans stormed the field to beat the tar out of the Dirt Bursters. Fortunately for the undead squad, most of their players managed to bury themselves under the pitch before the mob arrived, and as a result were mostly capable of starting the first drive. With disturbing efficiency, the electrifying undead recovered from their premature interment and who else but Ol' Teabagger marched the ball down the field for the score.

When their first drive started, it was a bad case of deja vu for the Meathooks as Gristly Slötterhaus apparently hadn't yet learned not to eat the goblins he's supposed to throw. As a result, newcomer Hammish was nearly devoured and was grievously wounded upon wriggling free. Amid the confusion, who should appear but Ned Gummers, and the ghoul pounced on the loose ball and quickly made tracks to the end zone.

As their final chance of the first half began, the Meathooks nearly responded, after a thrown rock knocked Blacky Gobbler out cold and created an opening in the undead defense. Beef Bigaxe used an herculean effort to pummel his way through three ghouls and a zombie, only to run out of gas at the goal line and collapse in a heap. The bell sounded and it was 2-0 at halftime.

After the break, the Meathooks came out playing desperately to close the gap. They returned to their pushing and shoving roots, but the undead matched them at every turn. Ol' Teabagger was thrown into the stands after the ball came loose, but Chip Bonesaw, who dispatched him thusly, was immediately revenged upon as he too was pushed out, and given a serious wound that saw him depart for the remainder of the match.

With time running down, the Meathooks made an effort to save some face and at least put a score on the board, but they could never have foreseen how it would go wrong on them. Tossing up a pass to pick up a good chunk of yardage, Beef Bigaxe was intercepted by zombie all-star Chunk Norton, leaving everyone in the stadium speechless. His teammates rallied around him, and several minutes later the toughest of customers shambled his way into the end zone, sealing the victory for the Dirt Bursters.

MVPs of the match were T-Boner, newcomer black orc of the Meathooks, and feel-good story of the season Lanks McBreak of the Dirt Bursters, who rose above his station, challenging all opponents to play with as much vigor mortis as he could muster. Hats off, Lanks. Hats off.

While the undead were visibly (and possibly necromantically) energized by the victory, the Meathooks were not so disheartened by the loss. This season has been a great step forward for them, and we anticipate that they will be a force to be reckoned with for many seasons to come.

That's all from the Dungeonbowl Championship, thanks for tuning in, sportsfiends!

The Spike! Championship Game: Guts, Gold, and Glory

Last night, in front of some 60,000 roaring fans, the best two teams in the MMBBL clashed in the biggest night of their lives. Both played hard, both fought mercilessly, but in the end there can only be one victor. It took them a come-from-behind drive late in the second half and then overtime to seal the deal, but the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters came away with the 3-2 victory over Gildengrip's Goldminers. This, ladies and gentlemen, was one for the ages.

The first half started with a strong push from the Goldminers - in the form of the daunting Cave-Gaper deathroller. It made good use of its one trip onto the pitch, mulching zombie lineman Stumps O'Boggy, who luckily regenerated most of his mown-off parts. In response, the ever-impressive Magut made Irgon McIrons scream for mummy and put him out for the match. The score was tied after the first half, with Ned Gummers running an exceptional ground pattern for the undead and Quincy McQuicksilver of the dwarf squad cruising through the defense like a hot dwarf through butter.

The second half brought everything to a fever pitch, and saw the Dirt Bursters lay the hurt on the Goldminers. Early on, Orem Fullstock used his unconventional jump-training to motor down the field. As luck would have it, the Dirt Bursters' hired wizard was not drunk, merely disorderly, and dropped a little lightning on the charging dwarf. Fullstock survived the incident, however, and treated the fans in the end zone to the pungent odour of flash-baked dwarf sweat, to take the lead with a quarter to go. Things got messy after that, as things tend to when the undead are involved, as Ol' Teabagger the ghoul smacked Gilgarry Goldrush into the infirmary, and resident zombie hero Chunk Norton actually roundhouse kicked line dwarf Shamus smith to death. The foul went unnoticed, likely for fear that he would turn his deadly foot on the ref himself. As a result, Smith was buried in the dugout, but shortly thereafter rose and shambled across to the undead bench during a commercial break. The Dirt Bursters then charged down the pitch and Ol' Teabagger brought the game to a deadlock with mere seconds remaining. The game proceeded to overtime, and while the Dirt Busters maintained a numbers advantage, the Goldminers had the upper hand in training.

The Goldminers won the toss and gained posession early on a bad kick, but the Dirt Bursters jumped into the fray and came out of the pile with possession. it was only a matter of time before Ol' Teabagger tore down the field, and put the game away to the collective moans of the crowd - Goldminers fans in anguish, Dirt Bursters fans in what passes for enthusiasm among the undead.

The match MVPs for the Spike! Championship game were Finnick Ferrus of the Goldminers, and the impressively destructive Chunk Norris. Other standouts included Magut, the only mummy with the presence of mind to guard his cohorts, and Ol'Teabagger himself, who seems to get faster every day.

The Spike! Tournament MVP award is presented to the most outstanding star in the league, regardless of their team's success in the playoffs. This year, the honour was shared, and by two members of the same team. Gilgarry Goldrush and Quincy McQuicksilver, the elite running backs for Gildengrip's Goldminers, both showed that some dwarves can really run, and pass, when need be. Each had five touchdowns this season.

The Dirt Bursters will be back to defend the league championship for the Winter season, while the Goldminers are returning home for a long season of drinking and mining. Chances are they'll return in nicer weather, shinier than ever!

For all of us here at the MMBBL, I'm Commissioner Matt Stroud. They may be dead, but no one is living it up quite like the Dirt Bursters today. Goodnight, and we'll see you soon when the Winter season kicks off! New teams, new players, and new reasons to call in the paramedics!