Deadites Kill Farmboys in Challenge Match!

Bryag Mudrake here, following the Farmboys on the road for yet another challenge match! This team sure seems to be popular these days, arriving now at the Drudgetown Pit to answer the call of the grave! Twenty-six thousand bodies filled the stands, with less than half of them having an actual pulse. The crowd might not be described as "lively" but it was certainly animated. The real heat was happening on the pitch, where the opening coin toss gave the kick to the human team, and accusations of double-headed coins led to a screaming match on the field, and a long delay as the clock ticked down before an actual kickoff. The human team started with some surprisingly strong offensive abilities, with "Are Too" Dieter breaking off parts of Sword Boy, sending him to the infirmary to pull himself together. The strong start fell apart quickly as Stywalker fumbled the squirming ball, and the Deadites charged! Their new werewolf, Wanna Little, took the opportunity to race in and knock Stywalker sprawling, and the swift-footed ghoul Klaatu grabbed the ball, running it in for a swift touchdown!

The Deadites kicked again to the human team, this time catching the offense flat-footed with a blitz! Stywalker's handle on the ball was much more effective this time around, and sent it sailing to Willie Dee Billiams. In a shocking turn of events, Dan Solitaire managed to knock the hulking Frankenberry off his feet. Despite this, the human defenses were no match for undead muscle, and Billiams was knocked down by a rampaging Wanna Little, knocking the ball free. Players scrambled for purchase in the mess of bodies, until the ball finally landed in the hands of Denny "The Wedge" Lawson. Farmboys dodged out of coverage to clear a path for the new ball carrier, but "Porky" Hootkins tripped up and knocked himself out cold trying to get into position. Lawson soon followed, and the ball once again bounced madly amongst the players before landing beside several linemen. Varata Nikto dodged into coverage and whacked the ball to retrieve, but his clammy hands couldn't get a grip, and once again the bouncing game continued, finally landing in the paws of Boomstick! There was a squeal from the field, as Billiams put the boot to Varata, but the ref appeared to be looking at Wanna Little, who collided with Zed Malcolm, taking them both down. That cleared the way for Artie Dieter to smash Boomstick to the ground, and catch the ball as it flew from the lycanthrope's limp fingers, but Dieter was unable to reach the goal before time ran out. The Deadites decided to spend the last few moments punching people, with X Morte seriously injuring "Hobby" Oldfield. The whistle blew on the half, and the Apothecaries dragged Oldfield back for some quick work, setting him back on the field for the next drive.

The second half started with a high kick to the Deadites, which was caught handily by the ghoulish Klaatu. The human team had returned with a vengeance however, and refused to be pushed around. The pain began as Wanna Little was downed by his intended victim, and continued as the entire frontline of the Deadites' offensive line was knocked to the ground, and Farmboy linemen rushed to cover Klaatu. The wily ghoul dodged out of coverage, and snapped off a pass to Varata, Who raced up-field. "Biggy" Hagan tried to rush in to set up a block, but tripped at the end of his run, crashing at Varata's feet, unconscious! He soon was joined in the dugout by "Porky" Hootkins, who was knocked out by a crash on the line. Bizarrely, Varata stopped running, and seemed to be enjoying the carnage at midfield. This time, Billiams was charging in to get coverage on Varata, but he too tripped up within inches of the ghoul! Varata STILL hadn't moved though, instead choosing to watch Frankenberry as he inflicted a horrific gut-wound on Owen Lard, leaving him dying on the field. Apothecaries were in top shape though, and soon upgraded his condition from "F’ed-Up" to “F’ing-A", patching him up for the next drive! Whatever drugs those Apothecaries are handing out, I want some! Torch Boy continued the chaos by stomping on a prone "Hobby" Oldfield. This time though, the ref heard the ribs crack, and sent Torch Boy out for the rest of the game. "Hobby" was also patched up by the Apothecaries for the next drive. Unlike the previous medical crew helping the Farmboys out against the Carnosaurs, the local apothecaries were on top of their game! Play continued, with Varata seeming to forget that he was still supposed to run the ball in for the touchdown. He was quickly reminded as he found himself surrounded by Billiams and Solitaire. Boomstick shoved Ben-Ken Guinness into the crowd, and Wanna Little raced to the rescue, clearing the path for Varata to dodge away, and lope in for a touchdown, bringing the score to 2-0 for the Deadites.

The next drive would add further injury to grave insult. With the human team down a man, an eager Deadite fan decided that wasn't enough of a handicap. With a scream of "What do you want on your Tombstone?!" he hurled a piece of his own grave marker square at the back of Duke Stywalker's head, knocking the quarterback out cold! It was only sheer luck that the kick landed so close to the huddle of humans preparing for a textbook, if undermanned, Kessel's Run strategy. The ball bounced out of Dieter's hands as he attempted to catch, landing behind him. Ignoring the ball, Dieter and Guinness charged up-field, clearing the way for Solitaire, who nabbed the ball, and fell in behind Billiams. Boomstick ran in from the other half of the pitch and attempted to maul Billiams, but merely pushed him in front of Solitaire. Dieter shoved him clear, Solitaire handed the ball off to Billiams, and Billiams sprinted straight ahead for a rapid touchdown!

The Deadites were eager for another touchdown, but it simply was not to be. Despite a quick snap that caught the human team off-guard, the Deadites were unable to make much headway against the human frontline. Wanna Little grabbed the ball and passed it to Varata, then charged into the melee at the front line. The end of the game degenerated into a dirty brawl as both sides punched, shoved and kicked those already down, but it failed to result in any significant casualties. With the whistle the game came to an end: 2-1 for the Deadites! Match MVPs were awarded to Primitive Screwhead of the Deadites and Ben-Ken Guinness of the Farmboys, for no particular reason that comes to mind. Also worthy of recognition on the highlight reel was Torch Boy's excellent blocking abilities, and the incredible speed of Wanna Little. Congratulations to all, and I'll be back tomorrow for my regular beat covering the Blackwater Bilgerunners and another crew of corpses, the Grenedale Lesionnaires.

Sun Shines, Farmboys Make Hay

Evening all! Bryag Mudrake here again for another exhibition match, as the Stargazing Farmboys take on the Ibisi A-Nile-Ators at the Fields of Milk and Honey. There was tremendous turnout today, with over 36,000 screaming fans divided equally between the heavyset humans and the animalistic Amazons. The A-Nile-Ators elect to kick today, and the first kick sails out of bounds, blown into the crowds by a warm breeze on this unseasonably nice day.

The human offense pounds through the furry fury of the Amazon front line, with "Hobby" Oldfield sending Arish Cream off for a bit of a catnap. Duke Stywalker sends the ball straight at Dan Solitaire, but Solitaire bobbles it! La Mau Meow tries to punch through the blitzers to get at it, but is repelled, giving solitaire another chance to get the ball, and stagger off for the end-zone. A crash from Sand Witch and Ben-Ken Guinness distracts Solitaire long enough to get tripped up trying to get away from the Amazons, and the ball falls from his grasp into the able hands of La Nuclear Turnip. The hawk aspect sends the ball sailing upfield into the hands of the jackal-headed linewoman Zaga Zig in the Farmboys' half of the field. The Farmboys aren't about to take this, as Bruce Lard and "Zed" Malcolm try to take her down, but simply push her into deeper coverage.

What follows looks like a cross between a Pinball machine and a frat hazing, as Zaga Zig is shoved around by half the human team, before coming out, still upright and in possession of the ball, around the midfield. Once again, Zaga Zig rushes for the end of the field, as her teammates attempt to provide much-needed interference from the Farmboys. Zaga Zig takes the game's first touchdown, but at a price; La Nuclear Turnip was harmed by "Big Sea" Trepiaux and will spend the rest of the game in the infirmary.

The Amazons kick again, this time with cheering fans rooting for the Stargazin' boys, giving them a much-needed lift. The ball lands just ahead of Stywalker, who grabs the pigskin and sends it off to Solitaire, who actually manages to catch the damned thing! The human team pushed a hole right through the middle of the Amazon line, but the nimble ladies were able to quickly cage the catcher. With a little help from the linemen, Solitaire manages to slip free for a quick touchdown, tying the game!

With only a couple seconds left on the clock, the A-Nile-Ators have no time to score a point, but do manage to get some measure of revenge for La Nuclear Turnip’s injury, as Hapi Golucky puts Ben-Ken Guinness out of commission for the remainder of the game. At this point the unseasonably warm breeze becomes a freakishly hot one, as the muggy, oppressive heat descends upon the Field of Milk and Honey.

As the second half begins, both teams have players collapse in the dugout, and are able to field a mere 8 players each. The Human team now kicks to the Amazons, sending the ball deep back into their field. With a roar, they proceed to catch the A-Nile-Ators off guard, as linemen tear down the sidelines for the ball on a blitz! The A-Nile-Ators slip out of coverage to defend, and choke up the midfield, but Duke Stywalker dodges out of heavy coverage, nabs the ball, and sends it in a beautifully tight spiral to interrupt the drunken daydreams of Dan Solitaire as he stumbles up the sidelines. Groping for the ball, Dan is shoved roughly out of the way by Nevfer Timid, and the ball is scooped up by Hiss Isis, who tosses it laterally and haphazardly to Sand Witch. Unfortunately it seems the heat, or the fumes off Solitaire, managed to addle Isis' wits as well, and the ball lands near the feet of Duke Stywalker. Solitaire, looking to make up for past misdeeds, dodges into the end-zone, and runs over to Stywalker, who sends the ball into his now-waiting arms for the touchdown! The score is now 2-1 for the Farmboys!

Once again, the humans kick off to the animal aspects, but it appears the heat is not only getting to the players; the referee has apparently passed out around this point from heat exhaustion, and his absence goes unnoticed. This time, the kick lands almost perfectly in the Amazon end-zone, sending Sand Witch scrambling to make up lost yards. After a few frantic moments, Sand Witch lobs the ball off to Hiss Isis, who s quickly surrounded by her feline compatriots, who are in turn surrounded by human blitzers. Attempting to dodge out of coverage, Isis is tripped up and the ball falls free. Seeing his opening, Arnie Dieter shoves away the remaining defenders, grabs the ball, and runs around the tangle of players to reach throwing distance of Dan Solitaire, open and free in the end zone. A perfect pass meets a perfect putz, as Solitaire takes the ball to the head to many jeers from the crowd. Now it is Zaga Zig's turn to repeat the performance, shoving Solitaire out of the way, grabbing the ball, and sending a beautiful pass to her fellow linewoman Grace Quirrel.

Unfortunately, Grace comes quickly under fire, as Duke Stywalker and "The Wedge" Lawson take her down, recover the ball, and shoot off another pass to Dan Solitaire. Solitaire manages to stay on his feet long enough to actually catch the ball this time, and turns to dash for the end-zone, with little resistance. "Porky" Hootkins manages to hit Tefnutella hard enough to send her off for the remainder of the match, and Dan succeeds in evading the remaining Amazons to reach the end-zone, putting the score at a comfortable 3-1 for the Farmboys. The match ends with some brilliant, unheeded coaching, and a bit of a wrestling match until the clock ticked down.

Match MVPs went to Hapi Golucky for her vengeful actions, and Duke Stywalker for his brilliant bit of footwork despite a lousy partner; activities that have seen him promoted to a leadership position on the field. Also of note this match were the impressive blocking abilities of Sand Witch, Zaga Zig, and surprisingly Dan Solitaire, who is apparently being sent in for some therapy and rehab.

Rumble in Razor Hill

Kay Offwrong Reporting for MMBBL sports, on another beautiful day in Razor Hill as the Deadites are in town to clash with the Reigning Spike Tournament Champions. With a whopping 27,094 in attendance with the slight edge for the home team, the two teams took to the field. The weather was perfect for the game and the coin toss was won by the visitors, who elected to kick rather than receive. In a bit of a shocking surprise, Count Luther Von Drakenborg was wearing an official Deadites jersey and took the field to play with the boys from D-Town.

On the Kick off, the orc line took NO time getting things started pushing the Undead line back on their heels. The best hit saw Kolark Bonefist level Torch Boy, and with that Steelfury snatched up the ball and fell in behind a protective wall of orcs. Boomstick the ever Vicious Werewolf made his move and knocked over Orok Deathbane with a powerful hit. Drakenborg decided to get in on the action himself and laid another great hit on Brakgul Bloodsnarl. Line zombie Ramming Speed also tried to get in on the glory, throwing himself into Godan Rockmaul, but the orc just brushed him aside.Torch Boy managed to get to his feet from the jarring hit laid on him by Bonefist just in time to have the black orc send him into the dirt again. At home in the dirt, Torch Boy this time stayed down a little longer. Godan Rockmaul then decided to test his strength against the newest Deadite team member and sent Drakenborg into the pitch to join Torch Boy.

The rest of the orc squad couldn't muster much at the line of scrimmage aside form pushing and grappling, and the Deadites were too busy trying to keep themselves upright to make any surge of their own. But with the line occupied, Steelfury managed to make his way over midfield. Torch Boy and Drakenborg, seeing Steelfury cross into Deadite territory, teamed up together to get a good play on the greenskinned ball carrier. Drakenborg used his starry gaze, lulling Rockmaul into a stupor, thus allowing Torch boy to make a text book blitz on Steelfury. The orc took the hit in stride however and managed to not only stay on his feet, but hang onto the ball as well. Soran Steelfury, enraged at the attempt to knock him over, took his revenge out on wight Henry the Red, whose back was turned to the play while engaged in a grapple with Kiro Stormaxe. With a gut wrenching crunch Henry hit the ground, and Steelfury merely winked at the fallen Deadite as he rumbled down the sideline towards the goal line.

In a last ditch effort to free up some tacklers, Klaatu Nikto attempted to break away from the Spinebreakers big man. However, the rumbly troll Zor Loneblow spotted the crafty ghoul and managed to get his foot in the way to trip him up. More pushing ensued at the line and Steelfury seemed Home free, until Drakenborg earned his paycheck, laying a hit that sent Steelfury flat on his face! The rest of Steelfury's protection caught up to him, and managed to help him out just enough for him to exact some revenge. Struggling to his feet, he punched Varata Nikto in the side of the head, snatched up the ball and dove across the line for the first score of the game!

The following kick off landed deep, in the Deadite endzone, and the two wily ghouls headed back to retrieve the ball. Boomstick laid a solid hit on Rok Straglash as Klaatu Nikto rushed in line behind his brother Varata and Henry the Red. Ramming Speed tried his luck on Borgosh Hellrage, but the black orc tossed him to the ground with one hand and rushed towards the advancing ghouls.The orc line then laid some well placed hits and managed to leave the undead line both dazed and confused. Not a tall task when working with zombies but an accomplishment none the less.

Drakenborg knew that this time he'd have to reassemble the disarrayed zombie line, and made no mistake, shunting the shambling minions into place. With this newly reformed offensive line rushing ahead, Boomstick, riding the crest of this wave of destruction, took out his frustration at Steelfury's earlier display of scoring prowess and sent the blitzer crashing awkwardly into the ground. The hometown fans knew it looked bad and a collective sigh of relief went up when the
news arrived that he had suffered no long-term damage.

The ghouls seemed unstoppable and with time winding down Boomstick tried his luck again, this time lining up Kiro Stormaxe for an attack, but the orc was too much for him and put the wolf on his backside. With that Stormaxe was able to lay a clean hit on Klaatu Nikto, knocking the ball loose. Kiro then picked up the ball and tossed it to a wide open Mok Rawtar. The line orc must have been pre-occupied with the thoughts of touchdown glory, because he dropped the pass, and with that the whistle for halftime blew.

After the break, both teams emerged from the locker rooms and took to the pitch. The kick from the orc squad never looked good and sailed straight out of bounds. The referee decided to fetch the ball from the stands and after a lengthy wait the teams decided to use a replacement until he returned. Again, ghoul runner Klaatu grasped the ball and, as if possessed (which seems probable), he began to glide up the sideline. The struggle on the line picked up right where it left off, but this time things were much more violent. Godan Rockmaul managed a hit on Torch Boy that would sideline him for the rest of the game, and Boomstick shoved Rok Straglash out of bounds, the fans showing the appreciation by knocking out the poor line orc. With this new momentum, the lowly Sword Boy decided to test his might against Borgosh Hellrage. With all his heart and soul - perhaps maybe not the best choice of words...with all his something, anyway - he smacked the massive orc-shaped wall of bricks, sending Hellrage crashing in a heap, in an orc-shaped crater at midfield. Hellrage was in stable condition, but will be out of the lineup for the Spinebreakers next match.

In a last stand defensive effort, Galthuk Battlewail got close enough to Klaatu to strip the ball out of the ghouls hands, and it bounced free on the ground. As Battlewail attempted to pick it up, Boomstick caught him with his head down and sent him to the infirmary, where the Orc would spend the rest of the match. After realizing what had happened, Klaatu continued downfield, scooping up the prize and crossing the line to tie the game.

The Spinebreakers had too many teammates recovering to make a decent offensive drive. So the decided to field goblin Chuck Skudfungus, who's as indecent as they get. On a brilliant kick by the Deadites, Orc Thrower Go'dan Rockmaul fielded the ball and handed off to the tiny boblin, who all but fainted. The young Skudfungus closed his eyes as the talons of Zor Loneblow closed around him, and he soon felt himself soaring through the air! A moment later he opened his eyes to find himself not only alive, but near the endzone to boot! And as quickly as he had been launched into the air, he crossed the goal line giving his team the lead again.

Frustrated, the undead were determined to get their next touchdown quickly. With a decent kick the undead executed excellent placement of their offense on a brilliant quick snap. The ball was snatched up by none other than Klaatu Nikto, who made his way downfield and handed off to wight X Morte Who crossed through the sparse orc defence. The zombie line had no trouble taking care of the few orc defenders, and with a handoff to Boomstick,the speedy werewolf was in
the endzone, and the score was again tied.

Skudfungus' knees were clattering together like like a skeleton in a blizzard, as he took to the field for a second consecutive drive. As he sailed through the air this time, his trip seemed a lot shorter, and as he again opened his eyes he could barely even see the endzone, let alone reach it before certain death. The goblin managed to scramble into some degree of coverage, but the smell of fear was enough for Boomstick to track him down.The ball popped loose and was bobbled around as time ticked away; Skudfungus got to his feet and managed to kick the already downed Henry the Red just as the referee returned from the stands to hear poor Henry's ribs crack. The tiny green hero was tossed from the game and the final whistle blew. The final score was a 2-2 draw, in a dazzling display of necromayhem and goblin gutsiness.

MVPs for the game were Klaatu of the Deadites for obvious reasons, and Mok Rawtar for reasons unknown. Special mention to Skudfungus for managing to not only be productive, but to survive as well.

Challenge Match Makes for Grappling in the Gravel

Greetings, sportsfiends! We've got more MMBBL action for you right now, with a special report out of Fjord Stadium from skaven correspondent Bryag Mudrake.



It’s challenge match day at Fjord Stadium, where the Smash and Gonads have invited the Blackwater Bilgerunners for another pulse-pounding match! The field of combat was as firm and unyielding as always, as the two teams faced off to the joy of 27,000 screaming fans. Sponsored by Bloodweiser, the extravagant beer tent must have drawn away some of the dwarves, giving a slight edge in the stands to the skaven crew.

The sun was dazzling in the cloudless sky as the Go'nads put the boot to the ball, giving Fivel Mausketrap time to get underneath it and make the catch. Beatings began on the front line as the Bilgerunners proceeded to punch a hole in the dwarven defenses. Fivel, used to the dim light of the sewers, must have caught an eye full of sunlight as he tossed the ball, missing Dingleberry and giving the dwarves a chance to get some safeties around the ball. Running-red-faced for the bobbled catch, Fivel scooped up the ball to the jeering of fans and handed it off to Dingleberry, who was off for the end-zone in a flash, with the other two gutter runners flanking.

Trying to tie up the defenders at midfield, Stumptail came down hard on Moe Lester, who was dragged off the field, and sat out the rest of the game with a very large keg of complementary Bloodweiser Red for company. Adam Meway and Dick Gozinia did their level best to strip away the defending gutter runners, but a good leap by Dingleberry put the score at 1-0 for the Bilgerunners.

Either thrilled by the touchdown or driven into a frenzy from the blood and free booze, the Skaven poured into the quarry, followed quickly by the dwarves. The brutal brawl left most of the dwarven team stunned, including both Dick Gozinia and Adam Meway, and almost all the skaven team standing. As the dwarven team chased the rowdy fans off the pitch, the skaven defenders were quickly sprinting downfield, to try and recover the ball before the dwarven runners could get on their feet. Meway, staggering to his feet, beat them to the ball. As a squad of blockers dragged O’Rattigan down at midfield, Meway lobbed off a pass to Dick Gozinia just as he was taken down by the Blackwater linerats.

Running for the safety of the midfield line, Gozinia caught a glimpse of an enraged O’Rattigan rearing up and staggering towards him, swinging madly. The tidal wave of rage crashed onto the immobile shores of dwarven defense however, allowing Gozinia time to get into strong coverage. With time running out, Stumptail tried to rush the runner, but was tackled by Achilles Punks, allowing Dick Gozinia to put a knot in the game in the last seconds of the first half.

As the second half begun, the chug and whistle of dwarven machinery heralded the arrival of Cludge Slamboni and his deathroller of doom. It also resulted in the completely predictable riot at the Bilgerunner coaching staff, team, and fans screamed for the infernal engines removal. The clock continued to tick down as the teams shouted, finally settling with a kick to the Go’nads well into the second half. The Mid-field massacre was predictable, with stunned rats lying in the wake of the massive machine. Less predictable was Twistknee smashing Herb Eaverstinks leaving him lying unsettlingly still on the field. He was quickly dragged back to the infirmary where, after much work, he was pronounced as being alive, but in critical need of large amounts of alcohol. He will be spending the next game recovering from his injuries, and possible hangovers.

To make matters worse, the skaven at midfield managed to get a good shot at Dick Gozinia as he reached the halfway point, but this time, the panicked toss missed its mark, and the ball fell free, just behind the dwarven line. The skaven made a strong attempt to recover, with Fivel running downfield to attempt to receive, and Krunch making a play for the ball. Krunch fumbled the pickup through, allowing the dwarves to smash their way back into possession, as Adam Meway grabbed the ball, and was surrounded by his angry teammates. Krunch was unceremoniously shoved into the beer tent at mid-field by Stu Padasso, where the angry fans promptly beat him severely. He will be missing the next game.

The skaven had managed to tie the dwarves up at midfield as the clock ran down, and it was now obvious to the Go’nads that there was no time to manage a winning touchdown. This certainly didn’t stop them from trying to smash their way through, however, as Achilles Punks wounded Squeesplat severely, Holden McGroin bludgeoned Notchear, and Gil T. Azell smashed Brutus for another significant injury. With time running out, Jenner tried one last chance to get the ball away from the dwarven defenses, but was tackled by Achilles in the final moments, ending the game.

Match MVPs went to Storm vermin Brutus, and Dwarf Blocker Achilles Punks, apparently for the participation in the “Injury of the week” highlight play of the game.



Thanks for that report, Bryag! Check back again soon, fans, for more MMBBL action!

Duel in the Drainpipe

The second of two challenge matches this weekend saw the Fly-By Knights answer the challenge put forth by the Blackwater Bilgerunners. These two well-rounded and experienced squads did battle in the Tidybowl to the delight of nearly twenty-five thousand fans.

Having won the coin toss, the Skaven would receive to open the game. Both teams were given inspiring speeches from their coaches before taking the field, and the resolve in the eyes of both man and mouse reflected their determination. When the kick from the Knights sailed out of bounds, the ball went to Fivel Mausketrap, quarterback and team captain of the Bilgerunners. Starting their advance with sound blocking, linerat Stumptail knocked out Knights' captain Karl Von Uberstamp. Taking immediate advantage of the momentum this caused, Mausketrap threw a pass to the nimble Dingleberry. The Knights worked to settle the score in terms of numbers as Barglesnart Livingstone sent Stumptail off for a brief nap, and Wamsley Wedgeworth, playing in the secondary, threw a block on Dingleberry. The hit succeeded, and the ball flew free, but Wedgeworth was down as well, and spent the rest of the game asleep. Not more than a few seconds later, O'Rattigan the rat ogre collided with Barglesnart Livingstone and both giants fell to the earth, with O'Rattigan getting the worse of the impact.

Rising from where he fell, Livingstone backhanded Brutus the Skaven blitzer, causing him to fall onto the ball and knock it away. Throwing caution to the wind, Fivel Mausketrap showed his leadership quality by charging into the fray and recovering the ball, then tossing it to a suddenly-open Twinkletoes, who scampered his way to the game's first point.

On the following kickoff, despite a gust of wind carrying the ball further than he'd anticipated, Lance Freely tracked it down and threw a clean pass to receiver Brad Attitûd, who took moved up the middle of the field into protective support. His timing was off as he made his cut to the sideline, however, and Attitûd fell forward, losing the ball. Linerat Krunch pounced on it, and looked to make a desperate pass before getting pummeled by a quartet of Knights linemen. The pass was tipped by Cyrano de Baggagerack, and nearly caught by Victor Dashing. Almost every Knight on the field was in tight against the skaven, but the hard-working Abraham Sandwich got free and got his hands on the prize. Looking for a target of his own, Sandwich saw Stanley Steele streaking down the sideline, and launched the ball his way. Steel made the catch, and was untouched en route to the end zone, tying the score at one apiece.

The Knights' kicking difficulties continued to plague them as their kickoff once again sailed out of bounds. A quick snap on the first play of the drive further confused them, and the Bilgerunners took full advantage of the miscue. Brutus stormed across the line of scrimmage, knocking out a bewildered Cyrano de Baggagerack. With little coverage on his receivers, Fivel Mausketrap calmly lobbed the ball to Dingleberry, who made his bid for the highlight reel by leaping directly over top of Barglesnart Livingstone. Only one other player has even attempted to vault this meaty mound of ogre, and you may recall Ol' Teabagger crashing pelvis-first into his helmet and spinning end over end into the dirt. No such problem for Dingleberry, who landed with ease and was well on his way.

Dingleberry wasn't the only player on his way, which the gutter runner soon discovered. Abraham Sandwich was on the spot once again, landing a solid block on the skaven and sending the ball bouncing away. What followed was another little miracle for the Knights' defense, as rookie lineman Humphrey Bogatyr gathered the ball up, saw that he was mere seconds from being munched by O'Rattigan, and launched a long bomb down the pitch, into the waiting arms of fellow lineman Max Limit. In a flash, Chet Jackweed was downfield as well, lending support to the unlikely receiver. The Bilgerunners weren't far behind, however, and Stumptail made a great tackle to slow the Knights' advance, knocking down Limit and freeing up the ball for Piddlepaw to grab. Piddlepaw couldn't get a handle on it, though, and it came back to Chet Jackweed. Jackweed was nearly in the clear, but as he moved to break away from the skaven, his foot caught in Piddlepaw's cape and he fell to the ground as time ran out in the first half.

The Bilgerunner had put a stop to the Knights' defensive rush, but how would they fare against their offense? As they kicked off, the answer seemed to be "pretty well, actually". Calling for the blitz, the skaven scurried across the line of scrimmage and made a break for the ball. Lance Freely got there first though, and managed a pass under pressure to Brad Attitûd, streaking down the outside on a familiar route. Squeesplat was quick to move into pursuit of the catcher, and Twistknee earned a cheer as he crashed headlong into Chet Jackweed before the blitzer could run to his teammate's aid, mangling the human slightly. Even without the support, Attitûd was able to scramble away from Squeesplat and high-stepped over the goal line to give the Fly-By Knights the lead.

Unshaken by the Knights' touchdown, the Bilgerunners' coaching staff rallied their troops and sent them out on the field with a similar quick-scoring play in mind. The one snag in the pan came as Fivel Mausketrap's pass to Piddlepaw was bobbled and dropped. With humans bearing down on him from all sides, it seemed that Piddlepaw might meet his end - until O'Rattigan showed up, fuming with animal rage and swatting Knights aside as if they were small figurines. With the only breathing down his neck coming from his lumbering teammate, Piddlepaw regained his footing and took the ball quickly down to tie the score at two.

The Knights still had a chance to win, but the clock was running out fast. Their desperation translated to heightened awareness on the line of scrimmage, and the humans were up and moving the ball before the skaven could react. Lance Freely hit Brad Attitûd for his third completion of the day, and his target charged headlong down the field while the Knight line did its best to hold. Their effort in that regard suffered mightily as O'Rattigan's continued frenzy enabled him to plow through Barglesnart Livingstone, knocking the ogre out cold. In light of this change in strength dynamic, the Knights shuffled their playbook a bit, and Brad Attitûd handed off to lineman Abraham Sandwich in order to deflect the rat ogre's wrath to a stronger target. Sandwich took the hits that came, and lost the ball as a result, but remained in the game. Now came another lineman, Solomon Squatz, who found the ball and lobbed it back to Attitûd, who made his cut back inside and hurried down the middle of the pitch, but fell not halfway to his goal. Lance Freely moved in to try to recover the ball, but couldn't hold on amidst half a dozen skaven. The match ended in a draw as Jenner threw a quick pass out to Stumptail, who was too far from the end zone to score in time.

The match MVPs for this 2-2 draw were the hideously disturbing Gurglegasp of the Blackwater Bilgerunners, and catcher Brad Attitûd of the Fly-By Knights. Stanley "Stainless" Steele earns a nod as well, for a remarkable burst of speed in his first half touchdown run. Next for the Bilgerunners is another challenge - this time issued by the Smash and Go'nads. The Knights will host the Pancake Valley Shortstacks at Valor Keepe Stadiumme.

Kiro Still a Hero; Halflings Still at Zero

The Razor Hill Spinebreakers threw down a challenge to the Pancake Valley Shortstacks this weekend, daring the halflings to meet them in their home venue of Dragon Spine Arena. The halflings gleefully accepted, eager to sample the orcish cuisine known as "knuckle sandwiches". Either someone never told them what that means, or there were going to be some orcs with very sore hands.

The crowd was nearly evenly split by numbers, but the orc fans out-massed the halfling supporters by at least three or four times. Kicking off first, the halflings' lazy, high kick was fielded easily by Kiro Stormaxe, who set off immediately down the field. Orc strategy would depend largely on avoiding the Shortstacks' two enormous treemen. Brakgul Bloodsnarl missed that memo apparently, and simply took it upon himself to knock one of them over. Mr. Tree hit the dirt with a thunderous crash, but was unharmed. The pitch, however, had been given a sizable groove. Barkley Hobbittosser, the other massive treeman, responded with his usual wooden displeasure, slapping Spinebreakers' troll Zor Loneblow to the ground.

The Shortstacks, battle-ready but not completely foolhardy, drew themselves back, dodging nimbly away from the onrushing orcs, playing their style of zone defense to compensate for their small stature. Kiro Stormaxe saw the opening this created, but it was part of the plan for the halflings. No sooner than had Stormaxe made his cut out to the sideline, Fatty "Fatty" Fat Fat came rolling through (no, seriously, he was not running) and shoved Stormaxe down under his ominous rolls. The ball squirted free into the crowd, and was nearly grabbed up by Pimpley Backfat.

Kiro Stormaxe, having shoved the bulbous Fat Fat aside, regained his footing and hunted for the loose ball. unable to pick it up cleanly, it bounced through the melee until blitzer Galthuk Battlewail managed to get ahold of it. In defense, Barkley Hobbittosser hurled an unsuspecting Jiff Jellyroll into coverage to stop him, but the halfling landed unconscious and was merely a speed bump on Battlewail's journey. Meanwhile, the path stayed relatively clear as the orc blockers, led by Kolark Bonefist, kept Mr. Tree on his stump indefinitely. Godan Rockmaul joined Kiro Stormaxe in blazing a path, and Galthuk Battlewail followed them up, joining his fellow blitzers in the end zone for a bit of a dance. The crowd went wild as the Orky Shuffle was born.

On defense now, the orcs kept to their game plan. The halflings looked for their quick tossing play to earn them a tying score, but when Mr. Tree lobbed Fatty Fat Fat skyward, the rotund fellow landed with as much grace as an ogre belly-flopping into a slaughterhouse. Zor Loneblow crashed once more into Mr. Tree, and both giants fell to the ground, though the treeman got the worst of it. as time ticked away, the Spinebreakers made every attempt to make life miserable for every halfling within arm's reach. Soran Steelfury brought his elbow down on Cam Sizzlespam, leaving him mangled and in need of some serious recuperation time.

With he ball unguarded, Gan'rul Bloodeye made his grab for it, but upon picking a target, bobbled the ball before he could get it away. In a last-ditch effort, Hobbittosser hurled the closest halfling available, Cream Sugarfoot, towards the ball, but the halfling stumbled trying to reach it. Time expired in the first half and the Razor Hill Spinebreakers held the lead going into the second half.

The halflings seemed all business upon their return to the field of play, but even their steely gazes earned them scorn from the loud, rowdy orc fans. To make matters worse, once the kick was put into play by the Spinebreakers, Douche Baggins was clocked with a well-placed stone from somewhere in the crowd. This angered the mighty Hobbittosser, and his first course of action was to knock out Brakgul Bloodsnarl with a swat of his massive arm that sent the blocker hurtling directly into the infirmary to sleep it off. In the confusion, Douche Baggins had managed to right himself and made a run for the end zone with the ball. Soran Steelfury was on him in a heartbeat, however, and Baggins was clobbered soundly, needing to be dragged off by the coaching staff.

Barkley Hobbittosser seemed content to keep up his strategy of hurling halflings headlong into harm's way, but his sweaty, terrified teammates quickly became too slippery to get a good grip on. Tumbling from his grip as if they had been secreting butter from every pore, Hobbittosser had to look for drier projectiles or simply resort to smashing things first-hand. Halfling #7, Dip Deadweight, got ahold of the football, but was laid out by the big fist of Godan Rockmaul, who retrieved the ball and started downfield. The hits kept coming as Borgosh Hellrage joined the charge, putting Cream Sugarfoot on his backside and doing his bes to keep pace with Steelfury, who knocked out Tub Trollfodder and kept going.

Finally, Hobbittosser was able to get a grip on a halfling, and hurled a dazed Flapjack Porkbelly into coverage. Desperately needing a stop, Sloth Lovechunk dashed in, vaulted over his fallen comrade, and punched Soran Steelfury square in the nose! Steelfury lost his grip on the ball, and Lovechunk gathered it up and pitched it as far downfield as he could. There waiting, however, was Gan'rul Bloodeye. After bobbling the ball yet again, it seemed there might be a chance for the halflings, but Dip Deadweight, on whom all hope was riding, tripped over the foot of the orc he was escaping from and fell head-first onto a discarded armour spike, reducing him to brain-kabobs. Finally getting his act together, and perhaps inspired by this recent gruesome development, Bloodeye tossed the ball to Kiro Stormaxe in the open, and Stormaxe ran unhindered into the end zone just as time expired. The final score - two to nothing for the Razor Hill Spinebreakers.

The match MVP awards for this game went to Cream Sugarfoot of the Shortstacks, and Soran Steelfury of the Spinebreakers, who played very strongly, keeping the opponent at a distance while running through coverage. Also notable were fellow blitzers Godan Rockmaul and Galthuk Battlewail, who were twin pinnacles of defense throughout the match. With role models like Beef Bigaxe and Raziek Bloodrage to look up to, is it any wonder that these orcs are rushing headlong towards greatness?

Chompsalot Romps (a Lot!) in Victory

Thanks go out to you, Coach Wrangler, for another entertaining installment of the Gameday Journal!

The final challenge match of the blood Bowl regular season took place last night, with the upstart Traumatic Takedown looking to crack the tough nut that is the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, no doubt looking to capitalize on the recent departure of the league's top player, Ol' Teabagger. The Dirt Bursters, for their part, needed to prove that they weren't simply a support crew for the Man.

Under a pleasant evening sky, in a stadium predominantly occupied by apprehensive undead fans, the Traumatic Takedown kicked off to start the Dirt Bursters' first offensive drive. Notably present on the pitch for the Takedown were both the hulking form of the impressive Morg N'Thorg, brought in to offset the threat of undead mummies, and Zzharg Madeye, well-known (but rarely penalized) for his impressive ball-chucking blunderbuss. With their help and a little luck, the chaos dwarf squad hoped to pull off a stunning upset to end the regular season.

Not long after the kick had landed, the Dirt Bursters began their assault, quite literally. The favourite son of Dusk Hill brought the crowd to its feet and/or stumps early on when he hurled himself madly onto centaur Charlie Horse, causing enough damage to the four-legged player to leave him crippled for the remainder of the game. Meanwhile, Ned Gummers grabbed the ball from where it lay and began his drive to the end zone. He might have chosen a better trajectory though, for not long after he gained possession he was knocked flat by Morg N'Thorg, and would not wake up until some time later. Right up behind the fallen Gummers was fellow ghoul Chompsalot, and the nimble nibbler soon had retrieved what his teammate had lost. Helping to clear the path was yet a third ghoul, the up-and-coming Bahnaynay, who shoved dwarf lineman Buster Kneecaps into the stands where he was, unfortunately, maimed to a reasonably great degree. Kneecaps is expected to miss the first game of the playoffs due to the injury. In what proved to be a compelling argument in support of firearms, Zzharg Madeye proved to be the last line of defense for the Takedown. To his credit, he smacked Chompsalot hard enough to dislodge the ball and a few teeth, but the wily ghoul got back up immediately and was into the end zone before the furious dwarf could react.

With their numbers dwindling already due to injury and ejections, the Traumatic Takedown needed to make good on every opportunity if they were to stand a chance. After a high kick fell into the arms of Perry Carditis, the hobgoblins showed their inexperience as Ortho Pnoea dropped an easy catch from his teammate. To make matters worse, Magut the mummy was back on the rampage after an uncharacteristically friendly season, slamming into Splenic Pain of the Takedown. Pain was recovered from the pitch and pronounced dead, but the apothecaries took him out back in a series of buckets, then returned to pronounce him "not dead." Still, mortal tissue being what it is, we don't expect to see what remains of this dwarf for a while. Amidst the chaos, Chompsalot the ghoul had once again found his way to the ball after the Takedown's miscue, and with uncanny ease he shuffled off to the end zone for yet another touchdown.

The players lined up for a final play to close out the first half, but despite the Dirt Bursters' eagerness to score again on the blitz, time expired prior to any potential playmaking. At the half, the score was two to nothing for the Dusk Hill denizens.

We aren't sure how they swung it, but when the second half started, there was Zzharg Madeye once more, blunderbuss slung over his shoulder. Booed incessantly by the crowd, Madeye calmly received the kickoff from the Dirt Bursters, and shot the football to Ortho Pnoea before watching the dwarf line collapse under pressure from the mummies and wights of the Dirt Bursters. A seemingly foolproof plan was forming in the minds of the Takedown, however, as Pnoea then handed off to Morg N'Thorg. It would take much more than a random zombie or ghoul to knock that guy over.

Unfortunately for the Traumatic Takedown, the Dirt Bursters did just that. Getting behind the effort of Khermit the mummy, multiple Dirt Bursters players assisted as the towering ogre was toppled to the earth. In the confusion, the Takedown did exact some small amount of revenge, as Perry Carditis sneaked a vicious kick to the fallen Magut, who was not seriously harmed. What followed next was a truly bizarre occurrence. Newcomer ghoul Bubtunk Bagrot was leveled by dwarf lineman Third Degree Bernie...who has been dead for nearly the entire season. Closer inspection of the play revealed that a fanatical spectator, enraged that someone had taken Ol' Teabagger's roster spot, stormed onto the field to remove the supposed usurper. Bagrot would miss the rest of the game, and the fanatic was ejected from the match courtesy of this week's major sponsor, Murving's Used Catapults. As play continued, Khermit the mummy continued to haunt Morg N'Thorg with the assistance of several smaller undead. Chompsalot was nearly in the clear, with only the frantic Zzharg Madeye with a chance to stop him. The effort was there, but the results were unremarkable, and Chompsalot managed his third - yes, third - touchdown of the day. Hats rained down from the stands, among them caps, helms, feathered monstrosities and the occasional groaning head. As the stadium grounds crew cleaned up, the scoreboard read 3-0 for the Dirt Bursters.

With barely any time left for another play, the Dirt Bursters pulled their ghouls back into a safer position, but the move proved less than important as the remaining defenders on the line opted to blitz. the kickoff was bad, and resulted in a touchback, and the ball went to Perry Carditis of the Takedown. Carditis completed a pass to Ortho Pnoea, but the latter was quickly run down and stripped of the ball by Chompsalot, who tossed it to Ned Gummers for safe keeping. With nothing left to do but wait, Lanks McBreak gave the undead fans one more thing to cheer about, as he throttled Busitis Olecranon bad enough to warrant some time off at the start of the playoffs. The whistle blew, and the game ended, a decisive victory for the mighty Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters.

Match MVP awards went to Eric Shun of the Dirt Bursters in what was assumed to be a typo, and to Plex Fracture of the Traumatic Takedown, who was not particularly deserving either. More impressive accolades went to Magut the mummy for his unstoppable urge to throw a hit at anything that so much as looked at him and a few things which didn't see him coming at all.

That's it, folks. The regular season is over and done and the brackets are set for the Blood Bowl tournament playoffs! The brackets will be up for viewing shortly, and the first quarterfinals matches will be taking place this Sunday. See you then!

A Double Dose of Doves! An Awful lot of Orcs!

It's your favorite Coach Wrangler here, taking a break from herding those havoc heralding homeboys who haphazardly head our favorite teams.

Once again, I'm scribing the following matches somewhat live from the best seats, whilst a P.A.G.E. scribes down what I say. That's a Pen Arcanely Granted Expatiation, the latest magical convenience I've acquired recently.

As I look around, I see the 21,000 fans piling into their seats below me. Only one third of these seem to be here to see the Brutakai Ragefangs, whilst the rest have arrived in their silvers, whites and blues to cheer on the Wardoves! The High Elves from Blueriver will have the fan support tonight, that's for sure!

The coin toss is made, and the Doves are up to kick first. A gust of wind blows the ball through the clear blue sky and lands right in the grass next to Krak Toothsnapper, a thrower. What luck for the Ragefangs! They're forming the cage right away around the ball, an always-smart maneuver for a tough band of Greenskins. The Doves have always had trouble with this one, but their Coach seems to have thought up a counter-strategy. Yes, he's setting the team up like a wall in front of the cage, with not even a lineman within arm's reach of the Orcs' frontmen. This is gonna be a slow one!

They march towards the Elven line, and I see Xarnak Bloodrage has burst through! The Doves' wall hangs back a bit and I see the Elves going to deal with the Ragefang Blitzer. Around the sides of the cage formation I see some Elves slipping around. Oooh! Star Catcher Tsih Killwillow just took a mean stomping from equally famed blitzer Raziek Bloodrage. Picking up the trash is elf blitzer Albiir Featherdeath, who slips into the back of the cage after knocking Line orc Holo Axegut out cold! He's face to face with ball-carrier Krak Toothsnapper.

Tsih is up again, and I see him scramble back around to fill in a gap left in the Wardoves' wall formation. By the gods! I can't explain it in any other way but...the cage formation just erupted into a green tornado! Violence aplenty, and most important to the orcs, that ruthless blitzer Featherdeath is well out of Krak's face now. Xarnak Bloodrage and rightly-named Brax Elfeater sandwich the hapless elven lineman Pynian Grassripper, and the Bloodrage Blitzer slips away and is mere feet from the Wardove end zone! The elven wall is crumbling, folks...

The Wardoves have thrown caution to the wind now, and a brawl has erupted deep in their side of the pitch. The Elves are focusing their blocking on Krak, who stubbornly refuses to give up the ball but...wait! The ball is loose! Krak has been knocked over and the ball is free! It's landed just outside of the fracas. Featherdeath got him back in the end, it seems. What was that wet crack I just heard? Ouch! It seems that Kragor Clawfang has put his 3-MVP winning fists to good work and sends elf catcher Angruil Grimmrose out. We'll have to see if the Apothecaries can get him back in shape.

The Ragefangs are showing the Doves just who is better in the blocking game here, and an impressive chain of blocks have shoved the elven defense out of the brawl. Orc lineman Rigor Stonestomper is in possession of the ball now. Ooof! Xarnak just took a spill, and there's line elf Stryth Leafmauler putting his cleats on his face! The ref didn't notice it seems. Ha! Them's the breaks Mr.Bloodrage! Krak is handed the ball again, and is suddenly beset by elves from all sides! Elf blitzer Fhorin Bloodmeadow comes out of nowhere and gives an impressive toss to Albiir Featherdeath who dekes out the last orc in his way before crossing the Ragefang end zone! That elf can sure run! Wow! 1-0 Wardoves!

I've just heard back from the Wardoves' infirmary that Angruil Grimmrose is back up and running for the next drive. And here it comes... though, to be honest there's not much time left on the clock for the first half.

Wardoves kick, and a quick snap from the Ragefangs allows line orc Ruushnak Nightwrath the chance to catch the kick and toss it to blitzer Raziek Bloodrage. A few blocks get thrown, even by the heartthrob Tsih Killwillow, who K.O.'s Xarnak Bloodrage. The Wardoves back-flip away from the orc line and as a lead in to some kind of halftime show, begin an impressive dance as the ref blows the whistle. You got served, Clan Brutakai!

Taunting an orc, however, is never wise. Especially with dance. It seems from now on this friendly rivalry will become a lot less civil. I'd watch my back if I was a high elf from Blueriver.

The orcs set up to kick for the first drive of the second half. This time the elves are on the ball with a quick snap. Potential Silver Elbow-winner Bendark Mossfang puts his foot on the ball while watching the rest of the team play their beginning tactics. Tsih smashes past the wide zone orcish line with an assist, stunning black orc Kozu Ironhide and slipping into the orcish defense. His efforts are met with a stunning blow from the orc gauntlet, a new defensive play by the Ragefangs. Raziek Bloodrage wipes the glitter off his hands and the orc captain calls his greenskins to keep the line steady.

Elves slip past the orc line from all sides, while elf thrower Mossfang kicks the ball nonchalantly into his hands and stays deep in his own side of the pitch. We know those keen eyes are just waiting for an open catcher. Orcs are surrounding the elven offense now, though I see Angruil signaling for a pass. Mossfang makes his throw! Or... wait! No! He's dropped it! Bendark's dropped the ball at his own feet! Black orc Kozu Ironhide plows into the elven thrower and I think he's unconscious. Xarnak Bloodrage, orc blitzer, nails Albiir Featherdeath to the ground and judging from the blood I think he's out for the game, folks. Raziek Bloodrage races in to scoop up the ball. The elven offense scrambles back to try to salvage the situation. Are those pointy-eared treehuggers fast or what?! Raziek is down, and the ball is free again. Mossfang is up and he picks up the ball with a steely look of determination on his fine features. He runs a circle around the orcish offensive line and... He doesn't pass it but hands it off to line elf Mlalyn Firefawn, who runs even farther up the field. He makes the pass to Fhorin Bloodmeadow! Touchdown! It's 2-0 for the Wardoves, and not too much time left for the Brutakai Ragefangs to turn this one around.

The Blueriver Wardoves set up for the next drive. They kick it high, and yet another quick snap by the Ragefangs starts off a fierce offensive drive. Xarnak K.O.'s new line elf Finchtalon and the orcs follow the powerful blitzer through the thin elven line. The Doves fall back again, in their third backpedal maneuver, to tie up the Bloodrage Blitzer Brothers. Krak Toothsnapper has the ball, and the orc thrower lobs a big one into the hands of Xarnak Bloodrage. Raziek takes a spill trying to get away from those pesky elves and he knocks his head too hard on the ground I think. He's out cold! The Doves' defense flock in and now Xarnak has been knocked flat. The ball is free, and now it's been picked up by Prok Fleshdrinker. He makes a pass to Kragor Clawfang who seems home-free for the touchdown, but...ohh! That was the whistle! Time's up for this game. Kragor crosses the line anyways, just to show how close he was. Maybe next time Kragor. The Wardoves keep their 2-0 victory against the Ragefangs.

MVPs for this match are being announced now... Stryth Leafmauler for the Blueriver Wardoves for his expertise at the art of Blocking, and Rigor Stonestomper for doing what he could when it mattered. Also of note is the increasingly accurate passes of Ragefangs thrower Krak Toothsnapper and of Fhorin Bloodmeadow with a signature dodge-ending dropkick sure to get him out of the shadow of the speedy Albiir Featherdeath.

I'll be turning off the P.A.G.E. now until the next match I'm scheduled to report. I'm even going to travel with the Wardoves to the next stadium. Should be quite a time!

... It's me again! Activating my trusty magical scribe. Now, to be honest... I didn't really enjoy my trip with the Wardoves. I won't get into details but it involved some strange-tasting wines, horses that smelled a bit TOO nice, and a make-over... for me.

For this next match, the Wardoves are going up against the acclaimed Meathooks in yet another challenge match. The game is taking place in a very impromptu stadium, as the main grounds detonated recently due to structural issues...I don't see how bad architecture can cause explosions, but there you have it. The game is taking place in the surrounding farmlands, and the fresh white paint of the lines is giving off that 'new pitch smell' that I'm sure will be quickly replaced with that 'new horrible sucking chest wound smell'.

Ye gods are there ever a lot of fans. I think the official gate is 35,000. Is that a record? It might be. I can't really tell, but the supportive cheers seems to lean slightly in the Meathooks favour. We'll see if it helps at all.

Still, I can barely see the field, and I'm still trying to find a good spot to watch and...oh! They've begun! I see the ball in the air after the opening kick. I can't even tell who kicked it. Um...this gentleman here says the Wardoves just kicked it. O.K....I'll take his word for it.

I caught a glimpse of the opening play, the orcs have cleared open the elven line and that lumbering troll and the goblin Hammish have moved up. Prince Moranian does an impressive attack and sends the monster to the ground. Hang on...Moranian is here?! It appears so... Goodness. I can barely see anything at all. Oh wait! I see Hammish flying through the air above the horizon of fans I have to contend with. He has the ball! Now everyone is cheering...um...I guess there was a Touchdown! Erm...1-0 Meathooks! Good show!

It's the next kick, I just saw it go up. Oh, hello ladies...I think I just landed in a Killwillow fan club of sorts. Quite the friendly bunch of maidens and...Why are they screaming? Oh my! It seems that Meathooks black orc T-Boner just killed line elf Mlalyn Firefawn! No...No wait...Their apothecary just put his head back on right...He still looks terrible though. Augh! More screams! Bendark Mossfang has just been killed by Ramrod Meatmissile of the Meathooks! No, wait. Apothecary on the scene again. Crisis averted. Ok, what's going on now? I just saw the ball being thrown by...who? By Albiir Featherdeath, the blitzer? Thank you miss, it seems elf catcher Angruil Grimmrose has caught it and crosses into the Meathooks endzone! The score is tied at 1-1.

My ears are killing me... Too many screaming women... It's like I'm back home. Ok, I see the next kickoff has begun. I'm watching this from the Meathook's dugout. I don't know how I got here, but it's a decent view. Biggs McStabstab throws the ball to goblin Bacon Sandwich. That troll tosses the poor whelp into the air and he crash lands! Oooh! What's this? Finchtalon, the newcomer, is making a dramatic elbow drop on the downed goblin! Oooh! Look at the blood! The ref saw that one, no doubt. They're bringing the broken greenskin midget in here. I'd better hide...

The apothecary is putting him back together, seems his head flew off. Duct tape will fix anything, for certain. The good doctor is going to tell the coach the good news. Ah, seems he was so happy the goblin survived that the coach is coming in here personally to... Oh! Gods no! He's stabbing him! The Meathooks coach is stabbing the poor Bacon Sandwich to death! He's standing over the cooling corpse and proclaims to the poor thing that he's fired. What a cold, unfeeling gree- Uh oh. He saw me. Yipes!

...

... Ok, I seem to be safe now. The half ended while I was running away. Seems the score is still tied at 1-1 at the beginning of the second half. I still can't see over the hordes of fans. I'm sure it's the orcs kicking, there goes the ball. I hear something, Bendark Mossfang, the elf thrower must have picked it up and I see the throw! Touchdown! By who? Oh! It was rising star player Tsih Killwillow! I can tell because I hear those maidens signing his theme song "Ode to Tsih, please sleep with me"... Not a very subtle theme is it? 2-1 Wardoves at any rate.

There goes the elves kicking the ball to the Meathooks. My word! Someone just tossed a rock into the fray! I think I saw Valandil Dreadlily take it in the head! He's down for the moment and Biggs McStabstab tosses the ball to Hammish the goblin. I see where this is going... No wait, no I don't. I wish these blasted fans could stop pushing me around! Meathooks fans are a little too handsy for me. I see Hammish in the air again with the ball! That troll must be well fed today! Ooh! I heard the crack! I don't think the poor thing landed right. The ref's blown his whistle! It seems Valandil was copying Finchtalon and elbow-dropped the fallen goblin a bit too obviously. Still, the game continues... I hear something... Yes! Meathooks touchdown! Hammish got back up and pulled off another tying score! It's at 2-2!

Orcs kicking again... I see the ball in the air. I hear the elf thrower Mossfang calling out his throw, and again I hear Angruil's returning cry. The ball is thrown and again we see a lightning fast touchdown in the very late seconds of the game. Though I guess I only heard that one... Anyway, 3-2 for the Wardoves! There's not but a few seconds left on the clock. The fans are already filing out...

Maybe I can just... Yes! I'm finally at the front of the crowd! I can see clearly the Doves' final play. They've only fielded three linemen against a full line of orcs. The troll and Hammish are on the Widezone, looking very determined still despite a clear loss. The elves in the dugout are already celebrating their third victory of the summer season.

Wait! Stop everything! Hammish has the ball, he's leaping into the troll's waiting grasp! Like hideous green poetry in motion, the goblin is flung through the air and he lands like a... Like a snot-covered tissue in the Wardoves endzone. It's a tie game! 3-3! Hammish turns and drops trou right before the faces of the gawking Wardoves, and makes some very rude actions I'm not sticking around to see!

That took a lot out of me... All that scrambling through the fans. I'm renting a flying carpet next time. Or maybe I'll just scry the whole game. In any case, the MVPs are being announced now. It's Tsih Killwillow for the Blueriver Wardoves, who's acrobatic display always leaves his opponents in the dust, and Beef Bigaxe for being exactly what you'd expect Beef Bigaxe to be.

Seemed like an exciting game, winning new attention for both teams. This is the MMBBL's official Coach Wrangler, the Magical Mister Mudd signing off. Coming up next, from your regularily scheduled reporter, is the final challenge match between the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and the Traumatic Takedown!

See you there! I'll be watching that one from home...

A Legend is Lost

In the game of Blood Bowl, there are great victories, as well as great losses. A league of action, excitement, and suspense, the MMBBL prides itself on being both thrilling and shocking, with emotion running high not only on the pitch, but in the stands and across the known world itself. Despite all this, no one could have foreseen, much less been ready for, the events of last week's challenge match of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and the Meathooks. What follows here is only one point of view, one thin sliver of the moments which passed into history that day. There may be millions more - all holding in common the one question.

Where were you when the Legend fell?

The warm sun shone down on the pitch, and brief gusts of wind blew through the stadium as the MMBBL's two most storied teams took to the field. Separated into different divisions due to expansion, this match had been anticipated since the first kickoff of the Summer season. The Meathooks won the coin toss and elected to receive first. The wind picked up slightly as the ball was kicked into play, but proved of little consequence. Unfortunately for the Meathooks, their first pass of the game fell incomplete from Pickles to the usually-adept Hammish, and on the miscue the orc line began to collapse before the ravenous undead. Through the gaps like a bullet came who else but Ol' Teabagger, eager to make an opponent pay for its mistakes for the umpteenth time. Leaping over a fallen black orc, cruising towards the ball, O.T.B. scooped up the prize and was on his way! The only one who could hope to stop him was Gristly Slötturhaus, but the troll proved largely ineffective as opposed to simply large, and while he idly inspected the contents of his nostrils, Ol' Teabagger easily made his way down to score the first point of the game.

Once again, the Dirt Bursters kicked off to the Meathooks. The orc offense seemed much better prepared this time, even more prepared than the undead as they quickly shifted to optimize their position. Pickles caught the ball with ease, and handed off to the mighty Beef Bigaxe, the Meathooks' hard-working captain. Breaking through the surprised Dirt Bursters defense, Bigaxe was well on his way to scoring the equalizer until he was taken down by the quick Chompsalot. Coming out of the woodwork to seize another opportunity, Ol' Teabagger once again arrived ont he scene to retrieve the dropped cargo. Falling in with support from two wights, he made his way down the sideline and out of the reach of many orc players. All of them, in fact, save one Ramrod Meatmissile - a humble lineman who had only ever played a supporting role on the Meathooks squad, having only one casualty to his name and serving primarily as the free bread in a seven-course meal. However ordinary he may have been, he was about to get his moment in the spotlight.

Dodging out of coverage with skill born of pride and grit, Meatmissile weaved his way around the protection of the wights and threw a desperate block against the O.T.B., planting his feet firmly and giving the ghoul a mighty shove. Unbeknown to Meatmissile, he had firmly planted his feet directly on top of Ol' Teabagger's feet, in fact crushing several bones in the process. The sensation briefly reminded the ghoul's twisted corpse of the sensation of death, locking his limbs into a nervous memory of rigor mortis. With no way to roll with the blow, Ol' Teabagger's spine simply cracked and broke at the pelvis, and Ramrod Meatmissile ran forward another two or three yards before realizing that he had torn the undead player in half and was now draping his gore all along the sideline. The hush of death overcame the crowd for a moment, until a cry of "It's OVER!" erupted from an orc fan. The Dirt Bursters' faithful moaned and shuffled in woeful sorrow, but were drowned out by legions of death-crazed orcs chanting the name of the most unlikely of heroes - Meatmissile! was the name on the lips of every greenskin across the continent.

Finally recovering from the shock of the situation, the two wights handy to the disaster made their best effort to shove Meatmissile around, but merely pushed him onto the ball, where the surprising orc retrieved it. Finally, Lez White stripped him of the prize and recovered it, only to taste a flying forearm from Beef Bigaxe, come to protect his teammate. With the ball squirting free and the bodies piling up, the nimble Bahnaynay arrived to pick up the leftovers, and went almost unnoticed in scoring a touchdown while the rest of the players brawled in the dirt. At halftime, the score was 2-0 for the Dirt Bursters, but with the void of their best player looming large, not one of them felt like much of a winner.

The start of the second half did nothing to quell the mutterings among the crowd. People frantically tried to cancel bets. Orcs were drunk and rowdy with more than usual fury. The shambling hordes of undead looked more lost than usual, and even less happy to be there. Indeed, several had already gone back to their tombs in mourning. Nevertheless, the show did go on as Chompsalot fielded the kick. Hoping to give the undead a taste of their own medicine, the hulking T-Boner plowed through the undead line, making room for blitzers Beef Bigaxe and Moose Burger to follow up through the gaps. Bigaxe quickly stripped the ball from Chompsalot, and Burger snatched up the football. Attempting a pass to Chip Bonesaw, Burger could only grumble as the line orc dropped the pass.

The reality of the situation finally registering in the rotted minds of the Dirt Bursters line, the smashiest of smashies began their retaliatory rampage. Khermit, roaring with unholy unpleasantness clobbered black orc Grunt Skunchman, removing the big fellow from contention. Chompsalot recovered the ball once more from where it lay, and broke through the line to horrible daylight, flanked by fellow ghoul Bahnaynay. Beef Bigaxe made his best effort and stripped the ball again, but left himself open for abuse for his trouble. Chunk Norton hustled out of the pile-up and blitzed Bigaxe over the guardrail and into the crowd, where he was carried high on the arms of ecstatic orc fans until they deposited him at the dugout. Though thankful that their own star was saved from possible doom, the Meathooks unfortunately lost track of the ball at this point, and the impressive Bahnaynay gathered it into his arms and ran it in to add another point to the board.

With little time remaining, the Meathooks would have to stomach the loss of the match, but with the added sugary sensation of eliminating the greatest player in the league, it wasn't very hard to take. A few brief passing plays by Pickles and Hammish ended the contest with the Dirt Bursters taking the three to nothing victory, but without the usual joyful echo if the undead crowd to go with it. Still, despite this great loss, the Dirt Bursters have a strong corps of ghouls remaining, led by new leader Ned Gummers, with Chompsalot bringing his everyday fiend approach to the game and rookie Bahnaynay showing flashes of brilliance.

The match MVPs for the game were the mighty T-Boner of the Meathooks, and the very deserving Chompsalot of the Dirt Bursters, who really stepped up and showed dazzling agility all game long.

Only a few matches remain, sportsfiends, before the playoffs begin for the Blood Bowl Summer Championship! We'll have more reports in soon, from both myself and from the exciting gameday journal of your favourite Coach Wrangler!

Skaven Start with a Bang, End with a Whimper

Challenge match action from the MMBBL coming at you, sportsfiends! This weekend, the Bloodsand Blasters, those shambling Pez dispensers of pain, made the challenge against the Blackwater Bilgerunners, the scrambliest eggs in the carton. Would speed and cunning make short work of slow and stupid, or would the unstoppable force turn its opponents into immobile objects? Only time would tell.

With the sun shining brightly down on the pitch and not a cloud in the sky, the two teams took to the field. The Bloodsand Blasters won the coin toss and elected to kick first, as their strategy seems to revolve around letting the opponent get all that scoring nonsense out of the way before the beatings can begin. The beatings certainly would begin, as it was evident early on that there wasn't even a referee on the field. Most likely, the officials were "encouraged" to take a long coffee break by the persuasive Blasters mummy corps. The show must go on, as they say, and so on it went.

Any nervousness on the part of the skaven may have been defused quite early as, after a quick pass from Fivel Mausketrap to Piddlepaw, the line rats set about throwing blocks. Stumptail, mustering every ounce of courage and getting a few key assists, took down the corpulent West Nile Cyrus, breaking the mummy's neck with a dry crunch. Dragged off the field by his teammates, it was evident that while the injury would not significantly effect the mummy in the long term, he would still be missing some time to get his spine in order. The Blasters made every effort to rob Piddlepaw of the ball, even stripping it from him briefly, but the wily critter was up again as soon as he was down, and easily scampered free for the first touchdown.

Now set t receive, the Bloodsand Blasters set about very defensive offense, choosing to protect the ball in the event that their creaking, bony fingers couldn't immediately pick the ball up. One doesn't need fingers to throw blocks, however, and the undead set about their usual brutal shenanigans immediately. Old Giza brought his mighty fists to bear on the aforementioned Stumptail, Exacting some revenge for his comrade by breaking the line rat's ribs. Soon thereafter, skeletal phenom Helter Skeleter got hold of Fivel Mausketrap, fracturing his leg and removing one of the Bilgerunners' best offensive tools from contention. The Bilgerunners wouldn't take all this lying down though, and after carefully setting up Durdurhotep, Brutus the blitzer shoved the mummy down in a heap. Though down, Durdurhotep was not out for long, and soon reappeared in the dugout groaning for his teammates. once again, the surprising Helter Skeleter put his stamp on the game, laying out Lamefist the line rat and putting him out of the match.

In all the confusion, however, the Bilgerunners had made their defensive strike. Racing out of harm's way and into the end zone went Squeesplat, and not far behind was the ball. The supremely-dodgey Dingleberry scooped up the ball where it lay after a desperation downfield throw by Hork Ptah, handed off to fellow gutter runner Piddlepaw, who tossed the football into the waiting hands of Squeesplat. It was now a two to nothing game in favour of the Bilgerunners, and with a slow-moving offense like the Blasters', the game might have been over already.

Taking the field confidently to kick off again, the skaven were caught by surprise when a quick snap gave the Blasters some extra momentum. A bewildered Piddlepaw, trying to get out of coverage, tripped up on some stray bandages and threw off the entire skaven defense. The gaffe proved costly as the alarmingly dangerous Old Giza brought his bony belligerence to bear. Tackling the hapless line rat Limpy to the ground, Giza followed up with a double eye-gouge that didn't stop at the eyes. Finally satisfied and covered in brain paste, Old Giza got up and resumed the match, while Limpy, needless to say, did not. As the crowd reeled from the spectacle, largely unnoticed was another casualty caused by Gus Sarcopha, as the skeleton laid out Gimpy, yet another line rat, who would not return to the match and spent the rest of the day mourning the loss of his teammate.

The halftime gong sounded, and never before had there been a sadder-looking bunch of skeletons and mummies. Just as they had gotten on a roll, the skaven were given an opportunity to regroup, and the scoreboard reminded them that while they had been successful in beating their opponents, their opponents were in fact beating them, collectively. Still, the score of 2-0 was overshadowed by the standing ovation given to Helter Skeleter and Old Giza for their impressive casualties, and a large round of laughs for Sahket Toomi, who had unfortunately lost his upper body in the carnage and somehow managed to throw a block or two as only a pair of legs.

As the two teams returned to the field, it looked as though each would return to its standard strategies. The skaven were shorthanded now, but still fast on their feet. The kickoff went to the Blasters once again, and aside from a brisk wind blowing by, all seemed to be proceeding as expected. Many fans, convinced that the skaven victory was secured, had even left early to beat the parking rush, and they would regret it.

Skaven blitzer Jenner opened the half by picking apart the oblivious lower half of Sahket Toomi, putting him out for the rest of the match. Toomi later commented on the hit. "I felt distracted and didn't see him coming. I don't know, I just wasn't all there for that one." Old Giza, inspired by or simply jealous of the success of the once-lowly Helter Skeleter, walloped Squeesplat with a massive shove and the line rat had to be carted off. Things started to get ugly fast, as Dirty Suez was tossed for an attempted foul on a downed gutter runner. Then, Twinkletoes was caught retaliating against a prone Cal Ciferous. The foul proved more costly for the Bilgerunners as Ciferous put himself back together with ease.

In an alarming turn of events, Hork Ptah of the Bloodsand Blasters managed to complete a pass to Dusty Tombs. Tombs took a moment to assess the situation, but eventually got underway and trundled past the depleted skaven defense for an unlikely touchdown. Now leading by only one point, the Bilgerunners needed to maintain control, or at least prevent the undead from getting another shot against the waning skaven forces.

What followed did not help their cause in the slightest. With a mere handful of players on the pitch, the skaven offense was easy to predict, and the Blasters got a jump on them as the play began. Openings were sealed and key players were tied up, and worse yet, the ball was in danger of being picked up by the undead again. The backbreaker for the Bilgerunners came from who else but the explosive Helter Skeleter, who lined up the fallen Brutus and kicked the blitzer squarely in the jaw. Though not permanently disfigured, Brutus was significantly maimed and could not return to the match. Up from the line and into skaven territory came Mister Urns, followed by a handful of skeletons, each hopeful of a chance at glory in the dying minutes. Urns, though meaning well, evoked such descriptive words as "inept" and "hopeless", but eventually Dusty Tombs managed to collect the football and hand it off to Cairo Practor. Practor was virtually unchallenged as he shambled in for the tying point.

With almost no time remaining for a comeback, the skaven were content merely to have survived the match without requiring a forfeit. With only three players remaining on the field, a high kick saw the ball collected by blitzer Jenner, and all the Bilgerunners had time for was a quick pass to Dingleberry before the final bell sounded. It was a wild one, and the final of 2-2 was a telling tale of two very different halves.

The game's MVPs were Cal Ciferous of the Bloodsand Blasters, for reasons not particularly evident, and Stumptail, who played valiantly until being rocked in the first half. Additional accolades go to Old Giza and Cairo Practor for their defensive sensibilities, Squeesplat and Helter Skeleter for their bone-crunching blocks, and Twinkletoes for being a dodgey, shifty, nigh-untouchable runt.

Week five action is coming up this Tuesday, as the formidable Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters take on the talented Blueriver Wardoves, and the slowly-recovering Blackwater Bilgerunners play the Smash and Go'nads. The is the MMBBL - by-weeks are for pansies! See you then!

A Battle with Honour, but not Humanity

It's Magical Mister Mudd, also known as the "Coach Wrangler" here to report with last weekend's exciting challenge match issued by the Brutakai Ragefangs to the Blueriver Wardoves.
As the seats fill, I looked down from my VIP seats with the other officials and notice for the first time a majority of the fans with Ragefang colours. We chuckle from our vantage point seeing some Orc fans react to the bittersweet sight of non-orc Ragefans (as they've come to be known) with green face paint as well as their jerseys and flags. All that the Brutakai-natives on the pitch really care about, though, is that they had the majority of the fans support in the crowd of 26 thousand.

The coin toss lands in orc favour, and they choose to kick. The pigskin is sent high and lands in the hands of Bendark Mossfang, the Wardoves' star Thrower. He sends a signal to the front lines and the Wardoves slip into the throng of the Ragefang defensive line. The orcs pile on Tsih Killwillow, knowing the Catcher's reputation, but Mossfang makes the pass to Sutlan Spearflower, who sprints down the field for the first touchdown.

The Ragefangs receive next, and their offensive drive starts brutally. While the elves put up their best counterattack, the orcs secure the ball in a tight cage. The Wardoves dance around the edges of the Ragefang formation as they push their muscle-bound green wall forward. Meanwhile, down the field the orc blitzer Xarnak Bloodrage tries to get out into the open. Before he is able, the Wardoves make a desperate play, knocking the cage inwards on itself and sending the ball popping out into the air. Mossfang is there in a flash and hurtles it to Spearflower for the second Wardoves touchdown.

At this point I am unable to see the field. It seems that within the stands the tensions between the orc fans and the green-painted non-orcs have been arguing. Clearly the orcs were offended, but the painted non-orcs were staunch in their right to "properly show their love for the team" and before you know it, we have a riot on our hands. It's an action-packed fight, let me tell you, but the ref leaves the clock running while he goes to sort out the chaos and by the time things have settled down, the half is nearly over! Only a few blocks get thrown before the whistle signals halftime.

Down two to nothing, the Brutakai Ragefangs receive at the start of the 2nd half. Thrower Krak Toothsnapper tries to quickly gain possession of the ball, but trips and upsets their offensive drive. With that, the Wardoves slip into orc territory, forcing them to backpedal to form a defense around the ball. More elves and orcs move into place, and it becomes a brawl, both sides dishing out the hurt. Somehow during the chaos, the ball is sent into the crowd. A helpful fan throws it back in and it hot potatoes around the brawl until finally landing into a greenskin hand. Good ol' Bendyrm Cloudrender runs in to try to get at the ball, held by Rigor Stonestomper and gets it right down his throat. He lays still on the field, though eventually the Apothecary patches him up just fine, saving him a potentially career-ending injury.

Down the field Raziek Bloodrage finally gets the upper hand against the elf defense, and is able to move freely. Given that opportunity he kicks at the fallen form of Mlalyn Firefawn, but the referee sees him plainly and sends the blitzer off for the remainder of the game. The Wardoves manage to get the ball out from the brawl; Stryth Leafmauler picks it up and tries tossing it downfield to Tanthil Twigbreaker's waiting hands, but misses by a mile! Tsih makes a 'tsk tsk' noise, sighs and shows the lineman how it's done, lobbing the pass himself to Twigbreaker, allowing the elf to give the Wardoves their third touchdown of the game!

The kick is received by the Ragefangs again, and while it's in the air some superstitious fans decides to chuck rocks at both teams' #3 players (Twigbreaker and Stonestomper), stunning them both. Holo Axegut, orc thrower, picks up the ball, but it seems the fan that threw it back in had left some greasy smears on it and it falls at his feet when he tries to throw it to Xarnak Bloodrage. Quickly, he picks it up again, wipes it on his tunic and lobs it into Mr.Bloodrage's waiting hands. The Ragefangs' play goes smoothly, but the Wardoves form a wall around the advancing orcs, costing them their last chance at a touchdown. Hoping to join the defensive line, Sutlan Spearflower turns on the speed and suddenly trips on a discarded ale bottle and takes a headfirst dive onto the pitch with a wet crack! The officials run to the still form of the catcher that had done so much for the Wardoves this game, and as they turn him over, it is apparent that he is dead. He had landed on a spiked plate that must have fallen off of an orc at some point. and the pointy end went into the part he needs to breathe with. The female fans (and some males) cry freely and without shame as the last half comes to a close, violence dished out on all sides.

A bittersweet victory for the Blueriver Wardoves, three to nothing. Much thanks to Sir Spearflower, who is largely to blame for the win. Tsih promises to the press that he'll take it upon himself to console the many women that were in love with Sutlan, and offers them all the keys to his penthouse suite. He goes on to show off his new acrobatic catching technique as he slides in to catch a feinting elven maiden after throwing her a wink. The Ragefangs, despite their loss, bow honorably to their opponents before taking their leave.

MVPs for the match were Xarnak Bloodrage for the orcs, for always being there to assist a block, and Albiir Featherdeath of the elves, for his usual exemplary performance as the team's star blitzer. I think it's becoming clear that Fhorin Bloodmeadow is a bit jealous of his partner in blitzing's prowess, but we'll see if that rivalry is healthy or not. Also to note is Rigor Stonestomper, who got the rock in the noggin earlier, found that superstitious fan and proved that he's not going to be knocked down so easily in the future. The #3 player for the elves, Tanthil Twigbreaker, had similar sentiments, but showed it by getting a whole new set of armour that will shine in the sun in their upcoming game against the skaven speedsters: the Bilgerunners. See you there folks!

Edit: This just in! I was just informed that the Blueriver Wardoves have already replaced their fallen Catcher. Please welcome Angruil Grimmrose to the High Elven roster! Will he be able to replace the late Spearflower, or will he forever live in the shadow to star player Tsih Killwillow, much like Bloodmeadow seems to have fallen far behind Featherdeath? As the drama unfolds, keep a close watch on the next match folks!

Skaven Screech Past Takedown, Meathooks Outduel Go'nads

The Commish here once again, with the game reports from two of the three challenge matches taking place this weekend. My esteemed associate the Coach Wrangler will have the third match details after he's finished playing in that very game!

Our first game of the day saw a clash of newcomers, with the Blackwater Bilgerunners issuing the challenge to fellow expansion squad Traumatic Takedown. With fine weather and an even spread of fans, the skaven won the coin toss and elected to receive first. Strangely enough, the weather changed as soon as the first kickoff was made, and the sun became fiercely bright, blinding everyone in the cheap seats and causing trouble for the passing game.

What would be expected from a crunchy team of rats going up against a more robust force of hobgoblins, dwarves and a centaur? Certainly not the first casualty being caused by a linerat named Stumptail. The plucky blocker threw down against hobgoblin Plex Fracture, leaving the hapless rookie to be carted away by the Takedown's stretcher crew, and listed as "not bloody likely" for the team's next match. Following the hit, skaven thrower Fivel Mausketrap made a successful pass to gutter runner Piddlepaw. Hounded by the chaos dwarves' centaur Charlie Horse, Piddlepaw made a valiant effort to escape but in the end was shoved clean through a sideline billboard and into the fans, who merely carried him back to his dugout unharmed. The ball was still free on the pitch, though, and Fivel Mausketrap once again got his paws on it and carried it over the goal line for the first scoring play of the game.

The remainder of the first half was largely uneventful, with the Takedown's offense sputtering slightly with an universal case of butterfingers. Just as they seemed to be getting their act together, bad turned to worse as skaven blitzer Jenner attacked dwarf lineman Third Degree Bernie. Somehow, the dwarf's grungy beard got caught in the rat's jaws, and the strength of dwarven facial hair being what it is, simply could not be dislodged. With a great effort from Jenner, he tore himself free - and took most of Bernie's face with him. As per his request, Third Degree Bernie's remains were incinerated on the pitch, and his charred bones distributed among his fans at halftime.

As the second half began, the fans were in a state of extreme agitation. Whether angered at the loss of Third Degree Bernie or simply prone to bouts of generic belligerence, the chaos dwarf supporters poured out onto the field to take their frustration out on the skaven team's players. In response, the rat fanatics spilled forth over the guardrails and trampled across the pitch as well. Fortunately for both squads, the damage was minimal, and aside from a few players from each squad taking a brief nap in the dirt, the game continued as normal. With a handful of key defenders down, however, the skaven were not able to apply a complete pass coverage, and Perry Carditis, self-styled hobgoblin quarterback, launched a deep, soaring bomb of a pass downfield, into the arms of fellow hobgoblin Ortho Pnoea, who made a stellar one-handed grab and was home free for the equalizing touchdown. The fans went absolutely nuts, which admittedly wasn't too far from their regular states of mind.

Going nuts, however, was just the tip of the iceberg. It seemed that between the touchdown and the setup for the next kickoff, the skaven fans had begun leaving the stadium! The chaos dwarf fans had a good laugh, thinking the rat men had called it quits after seeing the hobgoblins make such a difficult play look easy. The joke was on them, though, as the skaven fans then poured out of the tunnels and onto the pitch, positively thrashing the Takedown players. Several dwarves came down out of the stands to retaliate, but their damage was merely a footnote on the skaven page of brutality, and more than a half-dozen chaos dwarf players were left stunned. With no way to stop the speedy gutter runners in their current state, the Takedown could only watch as Dingleberry trotted into the end zone to reclaim the lead.

The match was more controlled from that point on, as several dozen security ogres were bussed in to keep things quieter in the stands. A loudmouth from either side refused to be calmed down, however, and they were quickly introduced to each other in midair when they collided fifty feet above the pitch after each was thrown out of his seat by a security ogre. Play finally resumed once more, with the chaos dwarf team at a significant disadvantage. Charlie Horse was knocked out on the previous drive and simply could not wake up. Outnumbered by the wily skaven, the Traumatic Takedown was too hard-pressed to get through coverage and stop another lightning-quick touchdown from Piddlepaw. Cheese rained from the stands and most of the Takedown's fans began to file out in defeat. All there was time for with time running short was a half-hearted toss from one hobgoblin to another, as Busitis "Bruce" Olecranon completed a pass to Perry Carditis to end the contest. The final tally was three to one for the Blackwater Bilgerunners.

MVPs of the match were Bilgerunners linerat Lamefist, for reasons we are unsure of, and Traumatic Takedown blocker Spleenic Pain, also without significant merit. True recognition goes out to several players, however. The Takedown's hobgoblin corps was stellar, with Perry Carditis earning his place as quarterback, and his teammates Olecranon and Pnoea demonstrating their nascent prowess as ball handlers. Among the skaven, credit is due to linerat Stumptail for his impressive blocking and to gutter runner Dingleberry for his impossible feats of agility. He'll certainly be one to watch, if we can actually see him move.

Our second game of the day showcased such admirable traits as resolve, determination and dedication, as well as such less-admirable but equally exciting traits as blood type, bone structure and pain threshold. The stubborn, stout Smash and Go'nads faced off against the maniacal Meathooks in a case of trench warfare. The Go'nads came off a disappointing tie versus the Blueriver Wardoves in their last match, while the Meathooks were taken by surprise when the upstart Bloodsand Blasters squeezed out a 1-0 victory against the orcs.

Hostilities opened with a high kick which couldn't be reined in by Dick Gozinia, but the dwarves were anything but discouraged. Stu Padasso, blitzed his way into the face of black orc Beefquake, who fell to the earth with a thunderous thump. The medics went to work quickly however, and the big fella shrugged off what could have been a crippling injury. To make matters worse for the Meathooks, Euin Whatarmy, dwarf troll slayer and all-around dangerous fellow, shoved star orc blitzer Beef Bigaxe into the restless crowd, and suffered for it as his hand was viciously smashed against the guardrail. Bigaxe is expected to be sidelined for his next game.

The orcs needed a response and they got one, from the hard-working Hamfist Goreguts. Goreguts lined up dwarf runner Adam Meway and ran him into the ground, leaving the sore dwarf out for the match and likely the next one too. The dwarves managed to get the ball moving downfield in the meantime, but couldn't capitalize on the drive when Stu Padasso took a tumble on the goal line and lost possession. In desperation, orc blitzer Moose Burger hurled the ball down the pitch, but there was no one nearby when it landed. For the time being, the Meathooks were happy just not to be trailing in a second consecutive game.

In the push to get back to the ball, line orc Hamfist Goreguts again left his boot mark on the match as he trampled runner Dick Gozinia, nearly breaking the dwarf's leg. The apothecaries were well prepared, though, and Gozinia was unscarred and rejoined the team the following drive. Picking up the loose ball, Moe Lester of the Smash and Go'nads attempted a deep pass of his own, only to drop the ball on the windup, dropping it off the helmet of lineman Eric Shun, who managed to hold onto it. Lester was seriously off his game today, as he subsequently failed to take the handoff from Shun immediately thereafter. The first half wound down without any actual scoring, though Lockjaw the line orc managed to shove Euin Whatarmy out of bounds and through a poorly assembled bleacher, and the troll slayer was removed from the match to deal with several dozen deep splinters.

Set to receive for the second half, the Meathooks prepped their famous goblin toss strategy, hoping that their better mobility would leave the dwarf team flagging behind them as they ran in for a touchdown. Regrettably the play couldn't get off the drawing board safely, as the dwarven coverage proved too good to eliminate threats to the goblins. Stu Padasso redeemed himself for his earlier gaffe by laying out the hapless Bacon Sandwich and leaving him with a permanent, chronic lower back injury. In brutal response, the mighty Beefquake charged into line dwarf Phil DeGrave, positively leveling the dwarf beneath his enormous girth and breaking his neck like a fortune cookie in a pile driver. The orcs hoped that this would afford them the space they needed for another shot at the goblin toss, but Hammish still couldn't get his grubby little mitts on it and it squirted free. Trying again, the determined little green man snatched up the football and scampered laterally until he was in the clear at midfield and tossed the ball across the pitch to the lurking Moose Burger. Burger couldn't get a handle on the wild throw though, and Dick Gozinia of the Go'nads instead scooped it up from where it lay. Gozinia attempted a high-risk handoff, but was not rewarded. Pouncing on the loose ball, Burger hurtled past the remaining dwarven defenders and spiked the football triumphantly in the end zone for the game's first score.

The Smash and Go'nads had little time to stage a comeback, but the Meathooks made it easy for them to get started. Another high kick allowed Dick Gozinia to get great field position, and Gil T. Azell cleared some space by shoving Grunt Skunchman out of bounds. Determined not to give an inch, though, line orc Rip Steakface throttled the aforementioned Azell, leaving him out of contention for the remainder of the match. The dwarves pressed and pushed, but couldn't make any headway. As time ran out, a suspicious bolt of lightning erupted from a hot air balloon drifting overhead, but if Hammish was its target, then the balloonist/sorcerer should be ashamed of himself, as the wily goblin nimbly dodged out of the bolt's path. Time finally ran out, with the final score a hard-fought one to nothing victory for the Meathooks.

This matches MVP accolades went to the Go'nads' Adam Meway, despite not having accomplished much at all, and to black orc Grunt Skunchman who was a protective force for his allies on the line of scrimmage.

Hopefully a day or two is enough time to digest all that carnage, sportsfiends, because you've still got the Wardoves/Ragefangs match to catch as well as prepare fro two big battles on Tuesday! it's Deathdealer division once again, with a Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters/Smash and Go'nads game followed by a Wardoves/Bilgerunners match! Until next time, folks!