Spinebreakers Stun Knights to Advance

Time once again for another exciting update from the MMBBL Spike! Tournament playoffs! This time, it's the highly-rated Fly-by Knights hosting the newcomer Razor Hill Spinebreakers. While the knights may have been the favourites early on, their close victory over the Pancake Valley Shortstacks may have take a toll on them, physically and mentally. The Spinebreakers, for there part, have never been more ready to smash things.

Under bright conditions the two squads met at Valor Keepe Stadiumme. By way of inducements, the Spinebreakers had acquired the services of Ripper the troll, and had also made use of some very upscale training facilities to hone themselves into gameday weapons. The Knights would benefit from both a precautionary addition to their medical staff, as well as the enthusiasm of their roaring fans.

The Spinebreakers won the coin flip and chose, unsurprisingly, to receive first. A roar from the crowd on the kickoff seemed to inspire the humans briefly, but the tide of battle would turn quickly for the greenskins. with Kiro Stormaxe fielding the kick, troll blocker Zor Loneblow launched himself towards the Knights' Barglesnart Livingstone, in what promised to be an epic struggle of two overlarge, maladjusted meatheads. The impact was truly bonecrunching, with Loneblow falling to the ground stunned, and Livingstone being seriously injured. Luckily for the ogre, the Knights' medical staff patched him up nicely, ensuring his return for the next drive. Meanwhile, sheltered by the aforementioned mountains of mayhem, Kiro Stormaxe had made his move and crossed half, a screaming green bullet en route to the end zone. Human running back Jacques Strappe made a final bid to stop him, but Stormaxe was able to fend off his efforts and stride in to register the game's first point.

From hereon in, it appeared as if the Knights had been cursed. The coaches did their best to settle their charges down, but when the next drive started, Brad Attitûd dropped a costly pass from Lance Freely and he play began to fall apart. Worst of all for the Knights, sturdy lineman Abraham Sandwich was clobbered by Ripper, and needed the efforts of the already hard-pressed apothecary crew to repair the damage to his leg. The free ball, meanwhile was pounced on by orc blitzer Galthuk Battlewail, who plowed stubbornly through the secondary and crossed the goal line, putting the Spinebreakers ahead 2-0 before the halftime whistle blew. The orcs couldn't have imagined a better start, while the humans were watching yet another campaign's hopes crumble.

The human fans, however, would rather resort to violence than despair. As the second half began, countless hooligans dressed in Knights blue and green stormed the pitch and laid waste to the orcish defense. A few managed to remain upright, but for the most part the Spinebreakers defense had been folded up and put away like laundry. The ball came to lineman Abraham Sandwich, who, seeing a opportunity to help a friend out, handed off to Barglesnart Livingstone. Ball in hand, the ogre barreled downfield and was nearly into the end zone, only to be somehow stopped dead in his tracks by a lone orc who had probably expected to be a speedbump instead of a giant-killer. Livingstone tumbled to the ground, unharmed but dazed, the ball slipping from his grasp. Fortunately for the knights, they rarely travel alone. Chet Jackweed picked up the ball and tossed it to Cyrano de Baggagerack, who completed the play and brought the Knights within a point of the Spinebreakers.

With the ball now in the orcs' possession again, the humans would need a steal if they ad any hope of victory. While the Spinebreakers started off badly when Kiro Stormaxe failed to field the kick, their spirits were lifted shortly thereafter when blocker Kolark Bonefist knocked rookie lineman Humphrey Bogatyr out. Eventually, Stormaxe got his hands on the ball and handed of to the very brave (or very foolish) Huck Skudfungus. Ripper then picked the little fellow up and hurled him downfield, and the goblin landed safely to the dismay of the hometown crowd. Out of nowhere, though, came blitzer Cyrano de Baggagerack, stripping the ball loose and saving the Knights' chances. Skudfungus recovered and got to the ball again, but couldn't get far enough away from de Baggagerack, who mashed the little greenskin much more thoroughly this time. Skudfungus was hauled away with serious concussion symptoms (which are hard to detect as goblins technically exist in concussion-like symptoms on a normal, daily basis).

On the scene to recover the ball was Victor Dashing, and with little time remaining he threw the ball on a prayer to the streaking Chet Jackweed, who caught the pass and was closing in on the end zone! It looked like there would be another overtime for the Knights, until disaster struck. Jackweed lost his footing as he fell into the crater left by Barglesnart Livingstone after his fall in the first half, and the ball squirted free before he could cross the line with it. A shocked crowd looked on as the clock burned out and the Spinebreakers began to celebrate. With a two to one victory, the orcs had made their way to the finals, and in doing so maintained the strong tradition of orc teams in the MMBBL's growing history. The Knights, however, would be cleaning out their lockers yet again - will they ever find the success they pursue so doggedly?

MVPs of this semifinal match were Wamsley Wedgeworth of the Knights and and Rok Straglash of the Spinebreakers, who mimicked his teammate Mok Rawtar's training regime of shifty, dodgey zone defense.

What remains to be seen, now, is who the Spinebreakers will face in the finals! Look for the next update soon to follow, as the Smash and Go'nads host the Blueriver Wardoves in an iconic battle of pointy ears vs. beardy beers! See you then!

Wardoves Show Knights How to Really Fly

Hope you had a great weekend, sports fiends! We certainly did here at the MMBBL, because on Sunday (Sunday, Sunday...) the Blueriver Wardoves squared off against the Fly-by Knights in a battle of the two least bloody Blood Bowl teams on the roster. Or so it was thought.

They met on a sunny day, birds chirping, fans cheering, clouds rolling lazily on overhead. The first possession went to the Wardoves, who trained hard for this matchup and had even hired on the services of the illustrious Prince Moranian to give them a boost against the more veteran Knights squad. They also wrangled a freelance medic to prevent what surprisingly hasn't occurred yet - 0gre-related injuries.

The tables turned early on, however, as it was the elves who drew first blood on the pitch. Lineman Stryth Leafmauler crashed into the human defense and sent Wamsley Wedgeworth sprawling in a heap. He walked off under his own power, but did not return for the remainder of the game. Not willing to sit idly by and take what the elves dished out, hard-working Cyrano de Baggagerack of the Fly-by Knights sent Albiir Featherdeath for a ride that ended in the infirmary, where the walk-on elf medic quickly showed his quality. Featherdeath returned to the game on the next drive. Hostilities continued to escalate as Bendrym Cloudrender brought his rage to bear on Reginald Reginald III of the Knights, nearly killing him. The human medical staff worked hard, and though they saved his life, his career may be through due to the state his sternum was left in.

In all this chaos, the perceived threat of ogrely damage was not even a factor. Confused by the quick movement and nimble dodging of his foes, Barglesnart Livingstone became confused and did not contribute at all during the first half, aside from the occasional half-hearted shove. Taking advantage of this sizable gap in the human line, elf blitzer Fhorin Bloodmeadow sailed a pass to the energetic Stryth Leafmauler, and he practically walked into the end zone.

The Knights looked to rebound before the half was up, but failing to execute on a high-risk play proved costly, as lineman Mlalyn Firefawn recovered a lost ball and threw an absolute cannon of a pass to catcher Tsih Killwillow, whose adoring fans chanted his named just as he'd instructed them. The first half ended with the elf squad up a commanding two to nothing.

After the break, it was obvious that whatever the human coach had said to Barglesnart to get him focused was working. Singling out the lineman who exploited his lapse in defense, the ogre drove the elf into the dirt with an overhand smash that would make a tennis team collectively wet itself. Mlalyn Firefawn was removed from the pitch, his head sagging from atop his broken upper vertebrae, and sent to the infirmary to recover as best he could. What might have been a turning point for the humans became fuel for the elves' own fire as well. Albiir Featherdeath, fresh from his recovery and seething with contempt for all humanity, knocked over lineman Karl Von Uberstamp, to the great dismay of his "Karl Kares" section of the bleachers, where dozens of under-privileged kids come to watch their hero play. He was carried off, gave an encouraging thumbs-up and a "winneres useth notte suspicious substances in thee pursuit of victorye" message, assuring us that he'd be back for the next Fly-by Knights match.

As if spurred by his heartfelt message, Jacques Strappe - the poster boy for non-suspicious, hard-working means of self-improvement - ran Wardoves catcher Tsih Killwillow into the mud where his handsome countenance remained for several seconds before a stretcher crew came out to cart him away. What may have been the largest incident of collective spontaneous fainting ensued, as every elf maiden, and quite a few human ones, could not bear to watch their favourite calender man run down so. Strappe was increasingly booed for the remainder of the game as these distraught women gradually woke up, though when he removed his shirt between drives it seemed to quell the uproar. Non-suspicious self-improvement, indeed.

Energized by the elimination of one of their opponents' key players, the Knights rallied to come within a point of the elves as Lance Freely completed his third pass of the afternoon to catcher Stanley "Stainless" Steele. Steele took it right to the house and performed an elaborate victory celebration in which he staged a fake joust between himself and fellow Catcher Flash Madison, which ended in a high five and a hug. Cheers echoed from their fans, but they yet had work to do to close the gap.

In a desperate attempt to even the score with time running out, the Knights were nearly within reach, with who else but Steele running down the sideline. The elves would have none of it, though, and after lineman Pynian Grassripper sent the ever pesky Flash Madison down in a heap, the Wardoves converged and stripped Steel of the ball, and the Knights of any chance at a draw. The final score was 2-1 for the Boys from Blueriver, and they paraded off the pitch, led by Prince Moranian to an afterparty at his stately mansion on the outskirts of town.

MVPs for the match were Bendark Mossfang of the Wardoves, whose throwing was right on the money until the very end, when it was actually right off the money (though it didn't matter on the scoresheet), and Barglesnart Livingstone of the Fly-by Knights, who stood by his teammates in the second half and let no ill befall them while he was within arm's reach. Also of note this game were the elf catcher Tsih Killwillow, who may have let his elaborate ducking and weaving go to his head and will need a week or so to set his balance straight once more, and Knights catcher Stanley Steele who showed elf-like agility of his own on his sprint down to the end zone.

More action to come Tuesday, sports fiends, as we see a rematch from the Dungeonbowl championship when the Meathooks and Dirt Bursters collide! Also on tap is the battle of two feisty young teams, the Brutakai Ragefangs and the Smash and Go'nads, who aim to show their quality and make their mark on MMBBL. See you then!

Semi-finals or Semi-funerals?

The semi-final round of the MMBBL Dungeonbowl Championship has passed, leaving a pulpy, purpley, putrid smear across the pitch. Game one saw a rematch with very vicious implications as the Meathooks squared off against the upstart Woad Warriors for a trip to the finals.

This game may go on record as the most violent yet, and words like "battlefield" and "brutality" do it no true justice. If casualties caused were the measure of victory, these two teams would sit on a pillar of devastation for all to aspire to match. In the very opening of the game, with the Meathooks on offense, what began as a well-known and highly popular goblin-tossing play quickly disintegrated into a light snack for Gristly Slötterhaus, and as a result newcomer Bacon Sandwich caused a turnover.

The remainder of the match was barely about the Bowl and mostly about the Blood. In the scoring column, however, orc blitzer Stabbo was once again the difference maker, his two touchdowns stacking up against one from William Wallops of the scotsmen. The injury roster was far more exciting. Gort Crudhammer opened the hostilities when he put Robert the Brute down for the count. Connor MacClod, Ulfwerener for the Warriors, responded quickly by laying out Lockjaw with a seriously pinched nerve. Not to be outdone, Chip Bonesaw hit Frogurt Louis Stevenson so hard that F.L.S. skipped shuffling off the mortal coil and did more of a two-step into oblivion. Once again the Woad Warriors responded, hitting the Meathooks where it already hurt when Chuck MacCaber gave the much-maligned Bacon Sandwich an impromptu back massage with his cleats. And folks, that's just the first half.

The slaughter continued after the break, beginning when walking roadblock Beefquake sat Sean Clobbery down for the remainder of the match. The Woad Warriors had no response this time, as their line was severely depleted, and Hamfist Goreguts of the Meathooks followed it up by caving in the skull of Warriors captain Kilt Chamberlain. He will not be returning to the team, to consciousness, nor anywhere that isn't "the Earth from which he came". Chuck macCaber, however, picked up the mantle almost immediately, earning some measure of retribution by sending Hamfist packing the next turn. Gristly Slötterhaus, seemingly ordered to pulverize the vengeful human thrower, mistakenly attacked the Warriors' other thrower, and Robert Sideburns was left whimpering on the pitch with a hip that more closely resembled a jigsaw puzzle.

Not content with how they had avenged their captain's death, MacCaber and lineman Duncan Donuts were both tossed for flagrant fouls towards the end of the match.

MVPs for this game were Robert the Brute, Woad Warrior lineman, who has become a true nuisance for opposing blockers, and the stellar Stabbo, who not only stole the show with his two touchdowns, but also knocked over anyone who wanted to change the channel on his highlight-reel caliber performance. Other notables were Gristly Slötterhaus and his stoic, deadly immobility, Gort Crudhammer, who reportedly has contracted rabies from a wolf bite early in the match, and William Wallops, who apparently will not be taking "I'm okay" as an answer when he knocks someone down. After the match, brief funeral services were observed by both squads for the two fallen scots, with eulegies read by their respective killers. Since both squads share a belief in honour from death in battle, there were no hard feelings.

Game two was, comparably, far less violent. The beleaguered yet determined Eternal Twilight squad faced the returning champion Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters for their shot at the finals. Reports out of this game are sketchy at best, as the entire staff on hand was undead in some fashion, either at the start of the game or by the end of it. What we do know is that the rivalry between the "high" and "low" undead has picked up quite a bit, with the dirty, shambling denizens of the Dirt Bursters fandom seizing their perceived opportunity to depose the current vampire nobility and begin their own muddy, worm-ridden reign.

The end score, by accounts from survivors, was 2-0 for the Dirt Bursters, with points being scored by ghouls Ned Gummers and Ol'Teabagger. Evidently, most of the Endless Twilight, including their thralls, did manage to escape wholesale slaughter, though Smoking Pyre Ashes was mauled extensively by the indomitable and surprisingly eloquent Magut, who is up to words with more than one vowel and is possibly on the cusp of discovering the number three. The Endless Twilight has reportedly retreated to Luthor Von Drakenborg's mountain estate for the Spring, to train, reflect on their experiences, and hopefully be back again one day to compete for another championship.

The matches MVPs were More Like-Chicken of the Endless Twilight, who gets points for simply staying alive, and Lanks McBreak, the feel-good story of the year for Dirt Bursters fans. He's a common skeleton with no heart, no brains, but courage like you wouldn't believe. We'll be watching him in the finals, to be sure.

The Championship Game is almost upon us! The Meathooks have fantastic momentum, winning three straight games to get here, and the defending champs, the Dirt Bursters, are as ferocious as ever! Check back soon to find out if the biggest smear on the trophy will be blood, or embalming fluid!

Undead Dominate, Scots Retain Freedom (and Lives)

This week's MMBBL action saw the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters take on the Day's End, while the Meathooks played the Woad Warriors. This will go on record as the bloodiest, messiest week in our short history, including nearly a dozen casualties over two games, and boasting four fatalities, three of which were permanent.

In the first match, the Day's End, fresh off their decisive 3-0 victory over the Woad Warriors, were mangled by a ravenous Dirt Bursters squad, with the final score being 5-0 in favour of the undead side. Not even the presence of the illustrious and talented Count Luthor Von Drakenborg was enough to stem the putrid tide, and the Day's End coaching staff will be re-evaluating their playbooks to mend the gaps exploited by the admittedly more experienced Dirt Bursters team.

Casualties for the Day's End included serious injuries for Sister Bloodwine the vampiress and Sour the thrall, as well as the permanent departure of Salty and the not-quite-as-permanent departure of Tinny, who was carried off in several pieces, and subsequently spotted (mostly, anyway) on the Dirt Bursters bench as a newly reconstituted zombie.

Scoring for the undead was the work of the usual suspects, the ghouls known as Ol' Teabagger and Ned Gummers, the former scoring twice and the latter three times. Can anyone stop the ghoul ground attack? Not yet, at least. The casualties handed out were courtesy of zombies Chunk Norton (2) and Stumps O'Boggy, wights Lez White and No Guts Bob (2), and ghoul Ned Gummers.

The MVPs of the match were Lanks McBreak of the Dirt Bursters (who apparently got the nod out of some sort of "rewards first" incentive plan), and Von Drakenborg for the Day's End, who promptly stormed off the field in a string a blahs and hisses. Other notables for the Dirt Bursters were the ever-dangerous Chunk Norton, who seems to be piling on the muscle (not his, but his victims', we are told), No Guts Bob, whose defensive sensibilities are gaining notice, Ned Gummers, who's learned how to take a hit and keep moving, and Ol' Teabagger, who to the horror of the entire league has developed prodigious jumping skill. Some squads are calling for mandatory faceguards in response.

After the game, the Dirt Bursters announced the signing of three assistant coaches to help delegate the assorted tasks of offense, defense, and special teams, as well as the hiring of a group of "groanleaders" to really get the crowd on its feet and shambling.

The night's second match saw the Meathooks in action against the Woad Warriors. The Meathooks played a formidable defense in their previous match, limiting the explosive Dirt Bursters to one touchdown and taking the draw at the end. The Warriors come from a 3-0 loss at the hands of the Days End, and are out to prove that they can compete in this league.

The score when the dust settled was 2-0 for the Woad Warriors, who were fortunate to even be on the field at the end of it all, as a parade of non-serious injury left them down to five players before the final whistle blew. Touchdowns were scored by lineman Frogurt Louis Stevenson and runner Scot Free, the first in a rushing play and the latter from a desperate passing setup that easily might have gone the other way.

The Meathooks, though beaten, were pleased with the intensity of their performance, injuring four of the Woad Warriors. The corpulent Beefquake, heavy-handed Gort Crudhammer, frantic Rip Steakface and brutal Hamfist Goreguts each sent a Woad Warrior off for the night. The Woad Warriors, however, left a deeper impression with fewer injuries, as Chuck MacCaber punched Bloatgar the Flatulent's nose into his brain and out the other side, and Ewen McGrogger rendered Stabbo medically dead for three minutes until he was revived miraculously by the scent of Bloatgar's sudden and violent decompression. A freak bolt of lightning, which the Meathooks are calling a dirty trick and the Warriors are dubbing "favourable weather", struck line orc Ramrod Meatmissile on his way to the end zone, but was not seriously baked.

MVPs of this match were Robert the Brute of the Woad Warriors, who was thrown out late in the game for a blatant foul, and Gort Crudhammer of the Meathooks, who messed up the field more than an absentminded skydiving ogre, and eve managed to apply some steady blocking technique.

After the match, both squads were present at a press conference, and rather civil given the circumstances, sharing drinks to commemorate the loss of Bloatgar and thanking the fumigators for their diligent work over the next two months to get rid of the smell. The Meathooks announced that they had signed Gristly Slötturhaus, a forcibly messy troll from somewhere high in the mountains. The Woad Warriors were pleased to introduce their own newest acquisition, Berserker Sean Clobbery.

That's all from this week's action, sportsfiends! see you next time!