And now, sportsfiends, we present a little something new for the league, a series of individual achievement awards to show off the cream of the crop (or crap) in the MMBBL over the past season.
The League MVP (greatest point gain in a season)
The player who proved to be the most valuable this season was Ned Gummers, ghoul of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters! Emerging from the shadow of his teammate Ol' Teabagger, Ned managed a whopping 25 point increase this season.
The "In the Zone" Award (most touchdowns in a season)
Ned Gummers comes through again, having scored six times in the course of only five games! No easy feat when you're constantly stopping to nibble on bits of your opponents, either.
The Commissioner's Medal of Exemplary Brutality (most casualties in a season)
Gort Crudhammer of the Meathooks stomps away with this one after crippling four of the poor, unlucky souls lined up against him this season.
The Silver Elbow (most completed passes in a season)
Thrower Chuck MacCaber of the Woad Warriors gets the nod for the Silver Elbow, having completed five passes this season, which is actually pretty good considering how poorly each team has done at even picking up the ball on a regular basis.
The Brass Doorknob Award for Undeniable Interference (most interceptions in a season)
Not a very big showing for this award, but it goes to Chunk Norton of the Dirt Bursters for his one key interception in the championship game.
The Silver Lining (most MVP awards in a season)
He doesn't have a heart, but he captured the hearts of fans everywhere - Lanks McBreak of the Dirt Bursters takes this coveted blankie home after getting the game MVP thrice this season.
and finally,
The "Why Bother" Award (lowest point gain by a returning player in a season)
This award is split this season, with skeleton Feeble McWeakerton and zombie Boz Squats, both of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, getting their share of the Big Fat Zero.
And that's it for the Winter of 2008 Dungeonbowl Season! See you for the next round of carnage, with more squads, more squashing, and all the highlights from the pitch!
Showing posts with label Woad Warriors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Woad Warriors. Show all posts
Friday, May 2, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Semi-finals or Semi-funerals?
The semi-final round of the MMBBL Dungeonbowl Championship has passed, leaving a pulpy, purpley, putrid smear across the pitch. Game one saw a rematch with very vicious implications as the Meathooks squared off against the upstart Woad Warriors for a trip to the finals.
This game may go on record as the most violent yet, and words like "battlefield" and "brutality" do it no true justice. If casualties caused were the measure of victory, these two teams would sit on a pillar of devastation for all to aspire to match. In the very opening of the game, with the Meathooks on offense, what began as a well-known and highly popular goblin-tossing play quickly disintegrated into a light snack for Gristly Slötterhaus, and as a result newcomer Bacon Sandwich caused a turnover.
The remainder of the match was barely about the Bowl and mostly about the Blood. In the scoring column, however, orc blitzer Stabbo was once again the difference maker, his two touchdowns stacking up against one from William Wallops of the scotsmen. The injury roster was far more exciting. Gort Crudhammer opened the hostilities when he put Robert the Brute down for the count. Connor MacClod, Ulfwerener for the Warriors, responded quickly by laying out Lockjaw with a seriously pinched nerve. Not to be outdone, Chip Bonesaw hit Frogurt Louis Stevenson so hard that F.L.S. skipped shuffling off the mortal coil and did more of a two-step into oblivion. Once again the Woad Warriors responded, hitting the Meathooks where it already hurt when Chuck MacCaber gave the much-maligned Bacon Sandwich an impromptu back massage with his cleats. And folks, that's just the first half.
The slaughter continued after the break, beginning when walking roadblock Beefquake sat Sean Clobbery down for the remainder of the match. The Woad Warriors had no response this time, as their line was severely depleted, and Hamfist Goreguts of the Meathooks followed it up by caving in the skull of Warriors captain Kilt Chamberlain. He will not be returning to the team, to consciousness, nor anywhere that isn't "the Earth from which he came". Chuck macCaber, however, picked up the mantle almost immediately, earning some measure of retribution by sending Hamfist packing the next turn. Gristly Slötterhaus, seemingly ordered to pulverize the vengeful human thrower, mistakenly attacked the Warriors' other thrower, and Robert Sideburns was left whimpering on the pitch with a hip that more closely resembled a jigsaw puzzle.
Not content with how they had avenged their captain's death, MacCaber and lineman Duncan Donuts were both tossed for flagrant fouls towards the end of the match.
MVPs for this game were Robert the Brute, Woad Warrior lineman, who has become a true nuisance for opposing blockers, and the stellar Stabbo, who not only stole the show with his two touchdowns, but also knocked over anyone who wanted to change the channel on his highlight-reel caliber performance. Other notables were Gristly Slötterhaus and his stoic, deadly immobility, Gort Crudhammer, who reportedly has contracted rabies from a wolf bite early in the match, and William Wallops, who apparently will not be taking "I'm okay" as an answer when he knocks someone down. After the match, brief funeral services were observed by both squads for the two fallen scots, with eulegies read by their respective killers. Since both squads share a belief in honour from death in battle, there were no hard feelings.
Game two was, comparably, far less violent. The beleaguered yet determined Eternal Twilight squad faced the returning champion Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters for their shot at the finals. Reports out of this game are sketchy at best, as the entire staff on hand was undead in some fashion, either at the start of the game or by the end of it. What we do know is that the rivalry between the "high" and "low" undead has picked up quite a bit, with the dirty, shambling denizens of the Dirt Bursters fandom seizing their perceived opportunity to depose the current vampire nobility and begin their own muddy, worm-ridden reign.
The end score, by accounts from survivors, was 2-0 for the Dirt Bursters, with points being scored by ghouls Ned Gummers and Ol'Teabagger. Evidently, most of the Endless Twilight, including their thralls, did manage to escape wholesale slaughter, though Smoking Pyre Ashes was mauled extensively by the indomitable and surprisingly eloquent Magut, who is up to words with more than one vowel and is possibly on the cusp of discovering the number three. The Endless Twilight has reportedly retreated to Luthor Von Drakenborg's mountain estate for the Spring, to train, reflect on their experiences, and hopefully be back again one day to compete for another championship.
The matches MVPs were More Like-Chicken of the Endless Twilight, who gets points for simply staying alive, and Lanks McBreak, the feel-good story of the year for Dirt Bursters fans. He's a common skeleton with no heart, no brains, but courage like you wouldn't believe. We'll be watching him in the finals, to be sure.
The Championship Game is almost upon us! The Meathooks have fantastic momentum, winning three straight games to get here, and the defending champs, the Dirt Bursters, are as ferocious as ever! Check back soon to find out if the biggest smear on the trophy will be blood, or embalming fluid!
This game may go on record as the most violent yet, and words like "battlefield" and "brutality" do it no true justice. If casualties caused were the measure of victory, these two teams would sit on a pillar of devastation for all to aspire to match. In the very opening of the game, with the Meathooks on offense, what began as a well-known and highly popular goblin-tossing play quickly disintegrated into a light snack for Gristly Slötterhaus, and as a result newcomer Bacon Sandwich caused a turnover.
The remainder of the match was barely about the Bowl and mostly about the Blood. In the scoring column, however, orc blitzer Stabbo was once again the difference maker, his two touchdowns stacking up against one from William Wallops of the scotsmen. The injury roster was far more exciting. Gort Crudhammer opened the hostilities when he put Robert the Brute down for the count. Connor MacClod, Ulfwerener for the Warriors, responded quickly by laying out Lockjaw with a seriously pinched nerve. Not to be outdone, Chip Bonesaw hit Frogurt Louis Stevenson so hard that F.L.S. skipped shuffling off the mortal coil and did more of a two-step into oblivion. Once again the Woad Warriors responded, hitting the Meathooks where it already hurt when Chuck MacCaber gave the much-maligned Bacon Sandwich an impromptu back massage with his cleats. And folks, that's just the first half.
The slaughter continued after the break, beginning when walking roadblock Beefquake sat Sean Clobbery down for the remainder of the match. The Woad Warriors had no response this time, as their line was severely depleted, and Hamfist Goreguts of the Meathooks followed it up by caving in the skull of Warriors captain Kilt Chamberlain. He will not be returning to the team, to consciousness, nor anywhere that isn't "the Earth from which he came". Chuck macCaber, however, picked up the mantle almost immediately, earning some measure of retribution by sending Hamfist packing the next turn. Gristly Slötterhaus, seemingly ordered to pulverize the vengeful human thrower, mistakenly attacked the Warriors' other thrower, and Robert Sideburns was left whimpering on the pitch with a hip that more closely resembled a jigsaw puzzle.
Not content with how they had avenged their captain's death, MacCaber and lineman Duncan Donuts were both tossed for flagrant fouls towards the end of the match.
MVPs for this game were Robert the Brute, Woad Warrior lineman, who has become a true nuisance for opposing blockers, and the stellar Stabbo, who not only stole the show with his two touchdowns, but also knocked over anyone who wanted to change the channel on his highlight-reel caliber performance. Other notables were Gristly Slötterhaus and his stoic, deadly immobility, Gort Crudhammer, who reportedly has contracted rabies from a wolf bite early in the match, and William Wallops, who apparently will not be taking "I'm okay" as an answer when he knocks someone down. After the match, brief funeral services were observed by both squads for the two fallen scots, with eulegies read by their respective killers. Since both squads share a belief in honour from death in battle, there were no hard feelings.
Game two was, comparably, far less violent. The beleaguered yet determined Eternal Twilight squad faced the returning champion Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters for their shot at the finals. Reports out of this game are sketchy at best, as the entire staff on hand was undead in some fashion, either at the start of the game or by the end of it. What we do know is that the rivalry between the "high" and "low" undead has picked up quite a bit, with the dirty, shambling denizens of the Dirt Bursters fandom seizing their perceived opportunity to depose the current vampire nobility and begin their own muddy, worm-ridden reign.
The end score, by accounts from survivors, was 2-0 for the Dirt Bursters, with points being scored by ghouls Ned Gummers and Ol'Teabagger. Evidently, most of the Endless Twilight, including their thralls, did manage to escape wholesale slaughter, though Smoking Pyre Ashes was mauled extensively by the indomitable and surprisingly eloquent Magut, who is up to words with more than one vowel and is possibly on the cusp of discovering the number three. The Endless Twilight has reportedly retreated to Luthor Von Drakenborg's mountain estate for the Spring, to train, reflect on their experiences, and hopefully be back again one day to compete for another championship.
The matches MVPs were More Like-Chicken of the Endless Twilight, who gets points for simply staying alive, and Lanks McBreak, the feel-good story of the year for Dirt Bursters fans. He's a common skeleton with no heart, no brains, but courage like you wouldn't believe. We'll be watching him in the finals, to be sure.
The Championship Game is almost upon us! The Meathooks have fantastic momentum, winning three straight games to get here, and the defending champs, the Dirt Bursters, are as ferocious as ever! Check back soon to find out if the biggest smear on the trophy will be blood, or embalming fluid!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
We're Not Dead! Most of Us, Anyway.
Apologies for the prolonged blogging absence, dear anyone who actually reads this. Shuffling at the office and all that. Anyway, two games to report on in our long stretch of low activity, though some of the gory details remain lost in the sands of time (and blood blends right in once it's dried).
A match between the Day's End and the Woad Warriors ended at the halftime whistle, when the beleaguered vampire squad was down to its last thrall and had suffered vampiric casualties as well. The final score was 1-0 on a touchdown from Berserker William Wallops. After the game, it was revealed that elite player and snappy dresser Count Luthor Von Drakenborg, after spending time on and off the pitch with the Day's End, had become a part-owner and announced a restructuring plan for the squad. Now known as the Endless Twilight, the vampires are prepping themselves for the future and the upcoming first round of the playoffs. We wish them the best of luck in their new direction! The Woad Warriors were far too drunk to comment.
In the weeks that followed, damage caused by the previously-mentioned Uncontrollable Angry Mob had reduced the number of playable venues drastically, leaving only a dirty stretch of battlefield as a viable location for a match. Seizing the opportunity, the Meathooks and Woad Warriors showed up to compete. At least, the Meathooks did. By all accounts, the scotsmen showed up to take a series of dirtnaps. The final score was 3-0 for the orcs, with a two touchdown performance from the unstoppable Beef Bigaxe and a third from lineman Chip Bonesaw. At the very start of the match, things seemed to sway in the Meathooks' favour as one of their legions of fans pegged Berserker Sean Clobbery of the Woad Warriors square in the head off the first drive. It was also evident that the referees hadn't been informed of the match's location in a timely fashion, and they weren't even present to flip the opening coin toss, much less officiate the first half. A gnome was flipped instead.
The matches MVPs were Gristly Slötterhaus, the Meathooks' foul-tempered and even fouler-smelling troll blocker, and Robert Sideburns, thrower for the Woad Warriors, who at th every least didn't fall down very much. Biggs McStabstab gets a nod as well for his key passing ability during the second half which put the game away for good. While there were a few injuries for both sides, their respective medics stopped the trauma with relative ease, and everyone walked away from this one on their own power. After the match, the Meathooks announced the signing of a goblin player, one Bacon Sandwich ( no relation to Abraham Sandwich of the Fly-by Knights, so we're told) who will undoubtedly become the cornerstone to a troll throwing play...or just the cornerstone of a troll's lunch, we aren't sure yet.
This week the playoffs for the Dungeonbowl begin, and better late than never! The Meathooks and Woad Warriors are primed for a rematch, while the newly reformed Endless Twilight will be testing their mettle against the imposing Dirt Bursters. See you there!
A match between the Day's End and the Woad Warriors ended at the halftime whistle, when the beleaguered vampire squad was down to its last thrall and had suffered vampiric casualties as well. The final score was 1-0 on a touchdown from Berserker William Wallops. After the game, it was revealed that elite player and snappy dresser Count Luthor Von Drakenborg, after spending time on and off the pitch with the Day's End, had become a part-owner and announced a restructuring plan for the squad. Now known as the Endless Twilight, the vampires are prepping themselves for the future and the upcoming first round of the playoffs. We wish them the best of luck in their new direction! The Woad Warriors were far too drunk to comment.
In the weeks that followed, damage caused by the previously-mentioned Uncontrollable Angry Mob had reduced the number of playable venues drastically, leaving only a dirty stretch of battlefield as a viable location for a match. Seizing the opportunity, the Meathooks and Woad Warriors showed up to compete. At least, the Meathooks did. By all accounts, the scotsmen showed up to take a series of dirtnaps. The final score was 3-0 for the orcs, with a two touchdown performance from the unstoppable Beef Bigaxe and a third from lineman Chip Bonesaw. At the very start of the match, things seemed to sway in the Meathooks' favour as one of their legions of fans pegged Berserker Sean Clobbery of the Woad Warriors square in the head off the first drive. It was also evident that the referees hadn't been informed of the match's location in a timely fashion, and they weren't even present to flip the opening coin toss, much less officiate the first half. A gnome was flipped instead.
The matches MVPs were Gristly Slötterhaus, the Meathooks' foul-tempered and even fouler-smelling troll blocker, and Robert Sideburns, thrower for the Woad Warriors, who at th every least didn't fall down very much. Biggs McStabstab gets a nod as well for his key passing ability during the second half which put the game away for good. While there were a few injuries for both sides, their respective medics stopped the trauma with relative ease, and everyone walked away from this one on their own power. After the match, the Meathooks announced the signing of a goblin player, one Bacon Sandwich ( no relation to Abraham Sandwich of the Fly-by Knights, so we're told) who will undoubtedly become the cornerstone to a troll throwing play...or just the cornerstone of a troll's lunch, we aren't sure yet.
This week the playoffs for the Dungeonbowl begin, and better late than never! The Meathooks and Woad Warriors are primed for a rematch, while the newly reformed Endless Twilight will be testing their mettle against the imposing Dirt Bursters. See you there!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
It's Actually Not that Hard Being Green
Week three action in the MMBBL is coming to you, hot off the presses! This week's two matches saw the Woad Warriors take on the Dirt Bursters, while the Day's End faced off against the Meathooks.
The first match concluded with the final score 2-0 in favour of the Undead, in what was considered by the record-breaking crowd to be a soft, friendly match. Touchdowns were scored by No Guts Bob the wight, and Ned Gummers the very adept ghoul. No serious injuries were caused until well past halftime, and all three of these were handled expertly by the Woad Warriors' training staff or not so serious that a week's rest wouldn't cure all damage. The weather during the game was particularly odd, with blizzard conditions prevailing for the first half, including another strange bolt of lightning coming down to only partially singe Ol' Teabagger of the Dirt Bursters.
This matches MVP awards were given to Robert Sideburns, Scottish thrower, for his presence of mind and great ball control during the adverse weather, and Blacky Gobbler, ghoul player for the Dusk Hill team. Other notables included Chuck MacCaber, who mirrored his MVP teammate's great control, and Lanks McBreak, who endured countless severe beatings until finally steeling his bony resolve and dishing out a casualty of his own, showing that finally, eventually, a creature with nothing left in his brain cavity can learn to block.
Game two made up for what the first game lacked in punishing play. The Meathooks squeezed out a 3-2 victory over the Day's End, but the amount of injuries sustained by the Day's End Thrall corps is a testament to the resolve of their Vampires. Once again, under the tutelage of Count Luthor Von Drakenborg, they took the field in an effort to prove that style has a place in this league of rusty armour and slapdash body paint.
Touchdowns for the Day's End were scored by Von Drakenborg himself, as well as The Prince of the Nine, who is leading the way as far as training among the vampires is concerned, with his blocking skillls gaining some polish. The Meathooks found the endzone three times thanks to an hurculean effort by Stabbo, a blitzer who was seemingly tired of living in Beef Bigaxe's shadow. An absolute marvel on the pitch today, he's quickly asserted himself as the Orc to watch for this year's MVP awards. With two strong, speedy blitzers (and who knows how many to come up from the minor leagues with time) the green offense just got a lot more offensive.
Four major casualties were caused by the Meathooks squad, with line orc Lockjaw, blitzer Stabbo, and black orcs Gort Crudhammer and Grunt Skunchman contributing to the carnage. The myriad of other downed thralls was due to a combination of poor footing and unchecked appetite. MVP of the match for the Meathooks was Hamfist Goreguts (presumably because of Stabbo's inability to be given the award after being paraded out of the stadium by thousands of ecstatic orc supporters) who recently recieved an armour endorsement from ReBlok. Spicy, Thrall of the Day's End also got the MVP nod, but will likely have to receive the honour from a hospital bed, having sustained a serious injury which seems to point towards chronic relapse if he's ever hurt again. The Meathooks' other notable performances came from the blocking and bashing skill of Grunt Skunchman, Pickles' dead-eye throwing skill, and of course Stabbo's ball-stripping prowess.
We've reached the halfway point of the Dungeonbowl season! Each of the four teams will play each other again before the playoffs begin. Next week we'll have the Woad Warriors rumbling with the Day's End, and the highly anticipated rematch between the Meathooks and the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters. Don't miss out, it's gonna be a wild one!
The first match concluded with the final score 2-0 in favour of the Undead, in what was considered by the record-breaking crowd to be a soft, friendly match. Touchdowns were scored by No Guts Bob the wight, and Ned Gummers the very adept ghoul. No serious injuries were caused until well past halftime, and all three of these were handled expertly by the Woad Warriors' training staff or not so serious that a week's rest wouldn't cure all damage. The weather during the game was particularly odd, with blizzard conditions prevailing for the first half, including another strange bolt of lightning coming down to only partially singe Ol' Teabagger of the Dirt Bursters.
This matches MVP awards were given to Robert Sideburns, Scottish thrower, for his presence of mind and great ball control during the adverse weather, and Blacky Gobbler, ghoul player for the Dusk Hill team. Other notables included Chuck MacCaber, who mirrored his MVP teammate's great control, and Lanks McBreak, who endured countless severe beatings until finally steeling his bony resolve and dishing out a casualty of his own, showing that finally, eventually, a creature with nothing left in his brain cavity can learn to block.
Game two made up for what the first game lacked in punishing play. The Meathooks squeezed out a 3-2 victory over the Day's End, but the amount of injuries sustained by the Day's End Thrall corps is a testament to the resolve of their Vampires. Once again, under the tutelage of Count Luthor Von Drakenborg, they took the field in an effort to prove that style has a place in this league of rusty armour and slapdash body paint.
Touchdowns for the Day's End were scored by Von Drakenborg himself, as well as The Prince of the Nine, who is leading the way as far as training among the vampires is concerned, with his blocking skillls gaining some polish. The Meathooks found the endzone three times thanks to an hurculean effort by Stabbo, a blitzer who was seemingly tired of living in Beef Bigaxe's shadow. An absolute marvel on the pitch today, he's quickly asserted himself as the Orc to watch for this year's MVP awards. With two strong, speedy blitzers (and who knows how many to come up from the minor leagues with time) the green offense just got a lot more offensive.
Four major casualties were caused by the Meathooks squad, with line orc Lockjaw, blitzer Stabbo, and black orcs Gort Crudhammer and Grunt Skunchman contributing to the carnage. The myriad of other downed thralls was due to a combination of poor footing and unchecked appetite. MVP of the match for the Meathooks was Hamfist Goreguts (presumably because of Stabbo's inability to be given the award after being paraded out of the stadium by thousands of ecstatic orc supporters) who recently recieved an armour endorsement from ReBlok. Spicy, Thrall of the Day's End also got the MVP nod, but will likely have to receive the honour from a hospital bed, having sustained a serious injury which seems to point towards chronic relapse if he's ever hurt again. The Meathooks' other notable performances came from the blocking and bashing skill of Grunt Skunchman, Pickles' dead-eye throwing skill, and of course Stabbo's ball-stripping prowess.
We've reached the halfway point of the Dungeonbowl season! Each of the four teams will play each other again before the playoffs begin. Next week we'll have the Woad Warriors rumbling with the Day's End, and the highly anticipated rematch between the Meathooks and the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters. Don't miss out, it's gonna be a wild one!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Undead Dominate, Scots Retain Freedom (and Lives)
This week's MMBBL action saw the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters take on the Day's End, while the Meathooks played the Woad Warriors. This will go on record as the bloodiest, messiest week in our short history, including nearly a dozen casualties over two games, and boasting four fatalities, three of which were permanent.
In the first match, the Day's End, fresh off their decisive 3-0 victory over the Woad Warriors, were mangled by a ravenous Dirt Bursters squad, with the final score being 5-0 in favour of the undead side. Not even the presence of the illustrious and talented Count Luthor Von Drakenborg was enough to stem the putrid tide, and the Day's End coaching staff will be re-evaluating their playbooks to mend the gaps exploited by the admittedly more experienced Dirt Bursters team.
Casualties for the Day's End included serious injuries for Sister Bloodwine the vampiress and Sour the thrall, as well as the permanent departure of Salty and the not-quite-as-permanent departure of Tinny, who was carried off in several pieces, and subsequently spotted (mostly, anyway) on the Dirt Bursters bench as a newly reconstituted zombie.
Scoring for the undead was the work of the usual suspects, the ghouls known as Ol' Teabagger and Ned Gummers, the former scoring twice and the latter three times. Can anyone stop the ghoul ground attack? Not yet, at least. The casualties handed out were courtesy of zombies Chunk Norton (2) and Stumps O'Boggy, wights Lez White and No Guts Bob (2), and ghoul Ned Gummers.
The MVPs of the match were Lanks McBreak of the Dirt Bursters (who apparently got the nod out of some sort of "rewards first" incentive plan), and Von Drakenborg for the Day's End, who promptly stormed off the field in a string a blahs and hisses. Other notables for the Dirt Bursters were the ever-dangerous Chunk Norton, who seems to be piling on the muscle (not his, but his victims', we are told), No Guts Bob, whose defensive sensibilities are gaining notice, Ned Gummers, who's learned how to take a hit and keep moving, and Ol' Teabagger, who to the horror of the entire league has developed prodigious jumping skill. Some squads are calling for mandatory faceguards in response.
After the game, the Dirt Bursters announced the signing of three assistant coaches to help delegate the assorted tasks of offense, defense, and special teams, as well as the hiring of a group of "groanleaders" to really get the crowd on its feet and shambling.
The night's second match saw the Meathooks in action against the Woad Warriors. The Meathooks played a formidable defense in their previous match, limiting the explosive Dirt Bursters to one touchdown and taking the draw at the end. The Warriors come from a 3-0 loss at the hands of the Days End, and are out to prove that they can compete in this league.
The score when the dust settled was 2-0 for the Woad Warriors, who were fortunate to even be on the field at the end of it all, as a parade of non-serious injury left them down to five players before the final whistle blew. Touchdowns were scored by lineman Frogurt Louis Stevenson and runner Scot Free, the first in a rushing play and the latter from a desperate passing setup that easily might have gone the other way.
The Meathooks, though beaten, were pleased with the intensity of their performance, injuring four of the Woad Warriors. The corpulent Beefquake, heavy-handed Gort Crudhammer, frantic Rip Steakface and brutal Hamfist Goreguts each sent a Woad Warrior off for the night. The Woad Warriors, however, left a deeper impression with fewer injuries, as Chuck MacCaber punched Bloatgar the Flatulent's nose into his brain and out the other side, and Ewen McGrogger rendered Stabbo medically dead for three minutes until he was revived miraculously by the scent of Bloatgar's sudden and violent decompression. A freak bolt of lightning, which the Meathooks are calling a dirty trick and the Warriors are dubbing "favourable weather", struck line orc Ramrod Meatmissile on his way to the end zone, but was not seriously baked.
MVPs of this match were Robert the Brute of the Woad Warriors, who was thrown out late in the game for a blatant foul, and Gort Crudhammer of the Meathooks, who messed up the field more than an absentminded skydiving ogre, and eve managed to apply some steady blocking technique.
After the match, both squads were present at a press conference, and rather civil given the circumstances, sharing drinks to commemorate the loss of Bloatgar and thanking the fumigators for their diligent work over the next two months to get rid of the smell. The Meathooks announced that they had signed Gristly Slötturhaus, a forcibly messy troll from somewhere high in the mountains. The Woad Warriors were pleased to introduce their own newest acquisition, Berserker Sean Clobbery.
That's all from this week's action, sportsfiends! see you next time!
In the first match, the Day's End, fresh off their decisive 3-0 victory over the Woad Warriors, were mangled by a ravenous Dirt Bursters squad, with the final score being 5-0 in favour of the undead side. Not even the presence of the illustrious and talented Count Luthor Von Drakenborg was enough to stem the putrid tide, and the Day's End coaching staff will be re-evaluating their playbooks to mend the gaps exploited by the admittedly more experienced Dirt Bursters team.
Casualties for the Day's End included serious injuries for Sister Bloodwine the vampiress and Sour the thrall, as well as the permanent departure of Salty and the not-quite-as-permanent departure of Tinny, who was carried off in several pieces, and subsequently spotted (mostly, anyway) on the Dirt Bursters bench as a newly reconstituted zombie.
Scoring for the undead was the work of the usual suspects, the ghouls known as Ol' Teabagger and Ned Gummers, the former scoring twice and the latter three times. Can anyone stop the ghoul ground attack? Not yet, at least. The casualties handed out were courtesy of zombies Chunk Norton (2) and Stumps O'Boggy, wights Lez White and No Guts Bob (2), and ghoul Ned Gummers.
The MVPs of the match were Lanks McBreak of the Dirt Bursters (who apparently got the nod out of some sort of "rewards first" incentive plan), and Von Drakenborg for the Day's End, who promptly stormed off the field in a string a blahs and hisses. Other notables for the Dirt Bursters were the ever-dangerous Chunk Norton, who seems to be piling on the muscle (not his, but his victims', we are told), No Guts Bob, whose defensive sensibilities are gaining notice, Ned Gummers, who's learned how to take a hit and keep moving, and Ol' Teabagger, who to the horror of the entire league has developed prodigious jumping skill. Some squads are calling for mandatory faceguards in response.
After the game, the Dirt Bursters announced the signing of three assistant coaches to help delegate the assorted tasks of offense, defense, and special teams, as well as the hiring of a group of "groanleaders" to really get the crowd on its feet and shambling.
The night's second match saw the Meathooks in action against the Woad Warriors. The Meathooks played a formidable defense in their previous match, limiting the explosive Dirt Bursters to one touchdown and taking the draw at the end. The Warriors come from a 3-0 loss at the hands of the Days End, and are out to prove that they can compete in this league.
The score when the dust settled was 2-0 for the Woad Warriors, who were fortunate to even be on the field at the end of it all, as a parade of non-serious injury left them down to five players before the final whistle blew. Touchdowns were scored by lineman Frogurt Louis Stevenson and runner Scot Free, the first in a rushing play and the latter from a desperate passing setup that easily might have gone the other way.
The Meathooks, though beaten, were pleased with the intensity of their performance, injuring four of the Woad Warriors. The corpulent Beefquake, heavy-handed Gort Crudhammer, frantic Rip Steakface and brutal Hamfist Goreguts each sent a Woad Warrior off for the night. The Woad Warriors, however, left a deeper impression with fewer injuries, as Chuck MacCaber punched Bloatgar the Flatulent's nose into his brain and out the other side, and Ewen McGrogger rendered Stabbo medically dead for three minutes until he was revived miraculously by the scent of Bloatgar's sudden and violent decompression. A freak bolt of lightning, which the Meathooks are calling a dirty trick and the Warriors are dubbing "favourable weather", struck line orc Ramrod Meatmissile on his way to the end zone, but was not seriously baked.
MVPs of this match were Robert the Brute of the Woad Warriors, who was thrown out late in the game for a blatant foul, and Gort Crudhammer of the Meathooks, who messed up the field more than an absentminded skydiving ogre, and eve managed to apply some steady blocking technique.
After the match, both squads were present at a press conference, and rather civil given the circumstances, sharing drinks to commemorate the loss of Bloatgar and thanking the fumigators for their diligent work over the next two months to get rid of the smell. The Meathooks announced that they had signed Gristly Slötturhaus, a forcibly messy troll from somewhere high in the mountains. The Woad Warriors were pleased to introduce their own newest acquisition, Berserker Sean Clobbery.
That's all from this week's action, sportsfiends! see you next time!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Night of the Hooligans
The Dungeonbowl season kicked off last night with two great matches. The first match saw newcomer teams the Day's End and the Woad Warriors square off against each other, while the second pitted the veteran squad the Meathooks against the reigning champion Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters.
The first match started awkwardly for both squads. Many of the Woad Warriors seem to have shown up a bit shaky and fell down with regularity. Conversely, the first fatality of the season came not at the hands of an opposing team, but from the same squad as the casualty, as The Prince of the Nine, resplendent in his uniform and cape, briefly lost control and drained the life of the thrall known simply as Robust. This apparently served to motivate the Day's End, and the game was theirs from that point on.
Touchdowns were scored by the thralls Like-Chicken and Bland, and by The Prince of the Nine himself. We are unclear as to what the Nine is, or why there are Nine of them, but after his display of both monstrous appetite and top-notch game sense, his fans are certain that it's a combination of unpleasant hells and a mix of herbs and spices. The Woad Warriors came close on a couple of occasions, but couldn't stay standing long enough to get into the end zone. Unfortunately as well for the Warriors, a riot erupted and saw a great deal of time lost and a great deal of fans depart on a rampage to who-knows-where.
Injuries were suffered by both squads, including the second fatality of the season administered by Duncan Donuts, the overweight, overbearing and over-the-top lineman of the Warriors. To the woe of the Day's End, he took down Bland, one of their touchdown scorers from earlier in the game. The thrall known as Tinny added a serious injury of his own, knocking berserker William Wallops our of the match. Lineman Kilt Chamberlain fell down while trying to escape a pile-up at midfield, and will miss a game due to a smashed knee.
The final score was 3-0, and MVPs for the match were the thrall "Sour" of the Day's End, and Ewen McGrogger of the Woad Warriors, who recieved this season's first equipment sponsorship from Ironplaid Industries.
Game number two of the night was another brutal affair, not especially because of violence, but because of the parade of errors on the pitch that led to the match ending in a 1-1 draw. Most of the first half was spent in a perpetual scrum at midfield, as neither orc nor zombie seemed capable of picking up a ball that may as well have been covered in soap. The game was played in bright sunshine that gave way to blizzard conditions eventually, resulting in even less offense. In fact, not a single score was registered in the first half of the game.
The second half was a more interesting affair, with touchdowns being run in by the star players of each team. Ol' Teabagger brought it in for the Dirt Bursters, and Beef Bigaxe made the score to tie it for the the Meathooks. On the next kickoff, however, the rioting fans from the first game of the night made their way to this stadium as well, and the clock wound up running until only a few seconds remained. The game ended with a whimper instead of a bang.
MVPs of the match were Pickles of the Meathooks, a thrower who managed to...well, we aren't quite sure what he did this game, and Ned Gummers the ghoul for the Dirt Bursters, who has followed the exercise regimen pioneered by his teammate Ol' Teabagger and increased his mobility. No word on the current whereabouts of the angry mob that stormed through both games, but other teams and leagues are advised to be on the lookout.
The first match started awkwardly for both squads. Many of the Woad Warriors seem to have shown up a bit shaky and fell down with regularity. Conversely, the first fatality of the season came not at the hands of an opposing team, but from the same squad as the casualty, as The Prince of the Nine, resplendent in his uniform and cape, briefly lost control and drained the life of the thrall known simply as Robust. This apparently served to motivate the Day's End, and the game was theirs from that point on.
Touchdowns were scored by the thralls Like-Chicken and Bland, and by The Prince of the Nine himself. We are unclear as to what the Nine is, or why there are Nine of them, but after his display of both monstrous appetite and top-notch game sense, his fans are certain that it's a combination of unpleasant hells and a mix of herbs and spices. The Woad Warriors came close on a couple of occasions, but couldn't stay standing long enough to get into the end zone. Unfortunately as well for the Warriors, a riot erupted and saw a great deal of time lost and a great deal of fans depart on a rampage to who-knows-where.
Injuries were suffered by both squads, including the second fatality of the season administered by Duncan Donuts, the overweight, overbearing and over-the-top lineman of the Warriors. To the woe of the Day's End, he took down Bland, one of their touchdown scorers from earlier in the game. The thrall known as Tinny added a serious injury of his own, knocking berserker William Wallops our of the match. Lineman Kilt Chamberlain fell down while trying to escape a pile-up at midfield, and will miss a game due to a smashed knee.
The final score was 3-0, and MVPs for the match were the thrall "Sour" of the Day's End, and Ewen McGrogger of the Woad Warriors, who recieved this season's first equipment sponsorship from Ironplaid Industries.
Game number two of the night was another brutal affair, not especially because of violence, but because of the parade of errors on the pitch that led to the match ending in a 1-1 draw. Most of the first half was spent in a perpetual scrum at midfield, as neither orc nor zombie seemed capable of picking up a ball that may as well have been covered in soap. The game was played in bright sunshine that gave way to blizzard conditions eventually, resulting in even less offense. In fact, not a single score was registered in the first half of the game.
The second half was a more interesting affair, with touchdowns being run in by the star players of each team. Ol' Teabagger brought it in for the Dirt Bursters, and Beef Bigaxe made the score to tie it for the the Meathooks. On the next kickoff, however, the rioting fans from the first game of the night made their way to this stadium as well, and the clock wound up running until only a few seconds remained. The game ended with a whimper instead of a bang.
MVPs of the match were Pickles of the Meathooks, a thrower who managed to...well, we aren't quite sure what he did this game, and Ned Gummers the ghoul for the Dirt Bursters, who has followed the exercise regimen pioneered by his teammate Ol' Teabagger and increased his mobility. No word on the current whereabouts of the angry mob that stormed through both games, but other teams and leagues are advised to be on the lookout.
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