Rumble in the Jungle; Chupacabras Battle Rampage

Kay Offwrong back again with a report for the Deathdealer Division of the MMBBL, where the playoff race is tighter than a halfling's belt at a pancake buffet. The Sun Temple Chupacabras were in town to take on the newcomer Shattered Plains Rampage.

The Rampage had hired on an additional 2 medical personnel to deal with the oncoming saurus onslaught, and had taken the past week to develop some bonus team training. The 30,482 fans in attendance were mostly in favor of the home team and it was evident through the match.

The Chupacabras kicked off first, but the first big play was from neither team. Rampage fans showed their loyalty by pelting the field with rocks, one of which managed to saurus blocker El Mucho Grande in the back of the head. He was taken off the field to recover for the next drive. The Rampage took advantage of their numbers and began positioning themselves for their advance, however hippo blockers aren't as sure footed as one might guess and Bagunda fell over one of the rocks tossed onto the field by the fans. He, too, was carted off the field to rest up for the next drive.

A veritable wrestling match ensued and both teams were jockeying for position along the line of scrimmage. Iguanadon Quixote knocked over Zubeda repeatedly, and Shenzi the rhino blitzer stunned the still pointless Tyrannosaurus Sex. Seeing a break in the line, Gecko Xtopilopicoatl attempted to get some extra mileage out of his little legs, but couldn't make it, and knocked himself out, giving the numbers advantage back to the Rampage.

With saurii barreling down on him, Hafsa calmly maintained his composure in the pocket created by his hippo blockers and tossed a dandy of a pass to Samus. Then lion berserker then made his way up-field and handed off to the lovely lioness Sarabi, who in no time was into the endzone, giving the home town team a lead of 1-0.

With the fans still in a fit of excitement, the Rampage kicked to the speedy (and nearly unstoppable) skink offense. The fans decided to lend their hand again, and yet another flurry of rocks pelted the field, this time hitting El Legarto Terrible, but only stunning the large lizard powerhouse.

With the ball in play, Sue Xtopilopicoatl snatched it up into her arms and handed off to her speedy and very smooth brother Harpo, who was across midfield in the blink of an eye. Iguanadon Quixote, back from his opening drive nap, was leveled by Nala and with that the Rampage defense had pinned the Chupacabra offense dead in its tracks. Back upfield towards the line of scrimmage, El Mucho Grande laid a doozy of a hit on Yo-Kamba, who would stay in the game, and moved forward to assist the nimble skink. With the saurii rumbling down the field, Meepo
Xtopilopicoatl attempted to break away from Shenzi and catch up, but the rhino's coverage was too much for him and he landed on the field, dazed.

Seeing his fallen skink teammate laid out on the field, El Mucho Grande went into a fit of rage and threw a devastating hit on Zubeda, who had to be taken off the field by the medical staff and patched up. After the carnage cleared, it was Samus to the rescue who threw a great hit on Mondo Xtopilopicoatl knocking the ball loose, and behind him the blitz from Shenzi sent Iguanadon Quixote into the stands.

Even amongst all the Rampage defenders, the ever-agile Pablo Xtopilopicoatl still managed to stride between bodies and under legs, and scoop up the ball. Brother Harpo was not as fortunate as Yo-Kamba sent him into the stands, where the crowd roughed up the little fellow. Ojo the line hippo also laid a terrific hit on Tyrannosaurus Sex, who was taken off the field under the power of the medical staff who had to patch him up.

With the loss of so many players and the goal line still so far away, the half ended, and both teams headed to the locker room to regroup. The Rampage had showed some terrific defense, but how much longer could they hold off one of the leagues top offenses?

The second half's kickoff was up in the air and managed to sail back over half, and the Chupacabras started off with great field position, and Pablo Xtopilopicoatl in control of the ball. His hand off to Gecko was good, and the latter skink was on his way over half behind great saurus coverage. Big Poppa Xtopilopicoatl finally made his presence felt as his laid the hammer down on Nala, knocking the lioness out for the drive.

Again the Rampage looked like they had pinned the Chupacabras in along the side line, and Samus laid a hit on Gecko popping the ball loose. Enter Tyrannosaurus Sex, who began a brilliant blocking chain that allowed Gecko to get his hands on the ball once more, and in a flash he was over the line for his second career Touchdown, making the score 1-1.

The next kickoff went as smoothly as a practice drill, and the ball landed close to Rampage thrower Hafsa. The hippo linemen began to push forward and the struggle for positioning began once more. Zubeda managed to catch a pass from Hafsa but the skinks showed some defensive prowess and managed to knock over the hefty hippo. With numbers on their side, Shenzi and Banzai cleared the way for Hafsa, knocking over several saurii. Hafsa was away down the sideline with lots of protection, and Pablo Xtopilopicoatl managed to get in his way, but the blitz from Zubeda was all the Rampage needed. Hafsa hung onto the ball and crossed the goal line just as the whistle sounded to end the game. Final score: 2-1 Rampage.

MVPs of the game were Sue Xtopilopicoatl, who learned a new trick for her next game, and Banzai the rhino blitzer who showed muscle on the line.

That's all from Shattered Plains Arena, join me next week as the Razor Hill Spine Breakers battle the Bleakwood Breakers in a Bloodbath division showdown.

Strange Misfortunes Haunt Lesionnaires/Chupacabras Game

The newly renovated (but never fumigated) Linitis Plastica Centre was home to Tuesday night's visit from the Sun Temple Chupacabras. They met their hosts, the Grenedale Lesionnaires, for their first league match of the 2009 Dungeonbowl season. With such a highly rated opponent, the Lesionnaires were offered plenty of inducements, including the services of the dynamic ogre-goblin duo of Brick Fa'rth and Grotty. Could they tip the scales in favour of the Nurgle team, or will the combined might of six saurus and a kroxigor spell a scaly end to the undead hopes?

Winning the coin toss, the Chupacabras chose to receive first. A terrible kick from the Nurgles resulted in a near-catch by saurus Tyrannosaurus Sex, but saurus agility being what it is, he bobbled it. The lizardmen began with Pablo Xtopilopicoatl picking up the ball and heading up the sideline. His handoff attempt to fellow skink Meepo was botched, however, and the ball tumbled into a mess of Chupacabras players. Bizarrely enough, Lesionnaires pestigor Oblivio Demum calmly moved in and retrieved it from where it lay, while the tangled lizardmen could only look on in disbelief.

With the ball in the hands of Demum, the Nurgle line began a push forward, led by infector Hurlbarf Pukescream. The lumbering plague man crashed headlong into saurus blocker Blue Demon, hitting with enough force to send the lizardman off under considerable duress - later on it was revealed that he would miss his next game due to a deep bone bruise. With a good-sized gap in the Chupacabras line, Oblivio Demum and hippo rotter Zazuk were able to cut through and begin a march to the end zone. A desperate hit by Pablo Xtopilopicoatl managed to send the ball bouncing from Demum's grasp, but to the woe of the lizardmen, it bounded right into Zazuk's waiting arms! Onward, Zazuk shambled, halted just before the goal line by Pablo, a surprising deke at the last moment fooled the skink, and Zazuk lurched over the line to count the first point in Lesionnaires history, as well as gaining the lead for his team.

The next kickoff by the Lesionnaires was another abysmal attempt. The kick was shallow to the point of barely getting over the line at all, and after ricocheting off the head of Big Poppa Xtopilopicoatl, bounced back over the line anyway. The drive thus started with the ball in the hands of skink Mondo Xtopilopicoatl, who began to tear up the sideline immediately. Before too long, however, a logjam of pestigors rallied to meat him, and progress was halted as the Chupacabras brought more forces to bear and help push little Mondo through. The Nurgle responded by calling in more muscle on their side, and things stayed at a standstill until a charging Putesco Prosterno forcefully took down Tyrannosaurus Sex, putting the saurus out of commission for the rest of the match. Somehow, the skinks managed to get away from the danger zone and put together the beginnings of a passing play. The presences of both Hurlbarf Pukescream and Zitgore Pusfist put an end to that, as Mondo was distracted to the point of throwing up in his mouth just a little. The pass was wide and fell incomplete, and the Nurgle defense began to close in. The lizardmen did manage to retrieve the ball, but the tying point was lost when Meepo Xtopilopicoatl's pass to a streaking brother Pablo was unsuccessful. With that, the whistle for halftime sounded and the teams hustled into their locker rooms to talk strategy.

To start the second half, the Lesionnaires put up a strong presence on the line of scrimmage, relying on the nimble Grotty to handle the business of fielding the kick. What followed was the beginning of a convincing case against the hiring of star players, as Grotty - agile, nimble Grotty - failed to pick up the football. Nerves? greasy palms? who knows? The Nurgle offense controlled the line, however, and eventually Grotty was able to get ahold of the ball and bring it up to the rest of the team. The bizarre plays kept coming as Big Poppa Xtopilopicoatl, far more lizard than anyone can handle, threw a blitz against the diminutive Grotty...and fell down himself!? Seizing the opportunity like a ten dollar bill inside an amusement park wind booth, the Lesionnaires surrounded the downed kroxigor, with rotter Mort Gasper showing up last in order to kick the fallen giant int he throat. The foul was caught by the refs, but the damage was done. Gasper was tossed for the foul, but Big Poppa was hauled off on a barn door tied to a team of oxen.

Things looked very, very good for the Nurgle, but the game began to unravel for them. Grotty's handoff to the singularly disgusting Zitgore Pusfist was botched, and before you could say "leaping lizards", Pablo Xtopilopicoatl had the ball in his clutches. After fending off the attention of the powerful but slow Pusfist, Pablo cruised down the sideline, away from every Lesionnaire save Oblivio Demum, who had just enough leg to get within grabbing distance. It was clear that Pablo would win that footrace, though, and Brick Fa'rth tried to solve the dilemma by pitching Grotty downfield to land on the skink! His aim was close, and in another reality it might have worked as planned, but instead Grotty landed on Oblivio Demum, thereby taking out his own help. Grotty threw the block on Pablo anyway, but the skink rolled with the punches and sidled further towards the end zone. A few moments later, he was over the line and the match was tied!

With the ball once again being kicked to the Lesionnaires, the Chupacabras decided to play for the tie instead of risking the loss. With their three remaining saurus on the line, six skinks lined up on the goal line, banking on a hard go for whoever felt they could cross the line safely. Bizarrely enough, the lizardmen called for the blitz...and stood absolutely still. Was it some sort of confusion tactic? The nervous Grotty, in any case, was quite confused. His nerves seemed to be acting up again, and his first attempt to rein in that ball failed miserably. So too did his second. Meanwhile, Grotty failed to notice that saurus Reptar the Reprehensible had broken through the Nurgle line and was bearing down on the goblin star. Once more, Grotty failed to accomplish anything and the Lesionnaires were out of time. To make matters worse, Reptar showed up, and as Grotty looked up cautiously to see what was causing the ominous shadow, he was brushed aside like a combover on a windy day. With his last great effort, Reptar pushed his body to the limits to grab the ball from where it lay in the end zone...and couldn't pick it up. The whistle blew and the crowd of 28,000-plus was left gawking in a mix of disappointment and sympathetic embarrassment. The final score was the Lesionnaires one, the Chupacabras one, and Dumb Luck at least seven or eight.

MVPs of this match, if you can call them that, were El Legarto Terrible of the Chupacabras, and rotter/lion Rama of the Lesionnaires. Grotty was run out of town by an angry mob, which was also run out of town by the pursuing Brick Fa'rth.

Dungeonbowl Ramp-Up part 4: Deathdealer Division

And now that Bloodbath has had its due, it's Deathdealer's turn!



The Blackwater Bilgerunners, despite some rough patches in the playoffs, remain one of the top teams in the history of the MMBBL. Built around blinding speed and great skill, they've managed to pack on a few pounds and become the model of resilience in a league that gets frequent customer points at the local funeral home. Led by the sharp direction of quarterback Fivel Mausketrap, the skaven want nothing less than total victory this season. As blitzer Jenner puts it, "It's time to separate the mice from the men - with the mice on top!"

Coached by: Jon Roth. Arena Rule: It's Coming Down!: When rolling on the weather table, a roll of 10-11 is considered pouring rain.


The Chupacabras are responsible for a lot of good MMBBL press in parts of the world which otherwise would have no clue it even existed. A team composed of high-flying luchadors, masked marvels and caped conquistadors, their electrifying play has enthralled lizard and man alike. The Chupacabras do want to win, for hoisting the Dungeonbowl trophy would be as great to them as donning the championship belt. Still, they remain committed to their humble roots, and remember that they are playing not just for themselves, says saurus El Mucho Grande, but also for "the lizard niños, who everyday watch us and say "I wish to be the great Bludbol player like them, papa! It is for their sake that we strive for the greatness."

Coached by: Sandy Miller. Arena Rule: Ceremonial Prisms: When rolling on the weather table, a result of 3-4 is treated as Very Sunny.


From the wild, wide-open spaces of Gontufar come the Rampage, driven by instinct to play a game with primal implications. Despite the loss of a few players from unpleasant circumstances during Blood Bowl Day, their ferocity is not diminished in the slightest. Competition is second nature to these belligerent beasts, and as berserker Yo-Kamba likes to say, "in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion kicks your ass!" A weeee, um um away, indeed.

Coached by: Ryan Keizer. Arena Rule: Stampede: During a player's turn, if that player performs a blitz action which results in an opponent taking a casualty, the blitzing player may make a second blitz action this turn. This is not cumulative.

Serving their enigmatic matron, Azzilizza herself, in her jungle citadel, the Lurkers are a combination of her thirst for violence, her desire to prove her people superior to others, and of course, her occasional focus on royal whims and fancies. The lurkers themselves, for their part, are unflinchingly loyal and coolly resolved to prove their prowess on the pitch. Witch Elf Melanissa Sanilameh is quite clear when she says, "Victory is the Matron's will, and the Matron's will is law!" I'd stay out of her way, folks.

Coached by: Chris Mudd. Arena Rule: Matron's Favour: When the result on the kickoff table is either Cheering Fans or Brilliant Coaching, flip a coin, with the receiving team calling it in the air. Whoever wins the coin toss may double his or her die roll result for this kickoff.

With dwarves, it's not all about gold, and mines, and booze. Okay, yes, it is, but with the Dark Iron Dreadnaughts from Durr Dammaz, it's also about grudges. Grudges held so long by so many that they're worn down to dust that's been breathed in by the deep-dwellers for countless generations. Stubborn even by dwarf standards, the Dreadnaughts come from a life of underground warfare - they live in the deep mountains, under surface territory claimed by the orc tribes. Their leaders, in an effort to divert the most troubled, dangerous dwarves to constructive uses of time, formed the Dreadnaughts as a way to show dwarven dominance without bringing the mountain down around their ears. Runner Ozgar Blackaxe sees it a little differently, though. "We win all the time, underground. Blood Bowl, closer as it is to the damnable sun, shows us our enemies' strengths on their own turf...as well as their weaknesses."

Coached by: Jai Gagnon. Arena Rule: Stone Floor: When the ball bounces on the ground, it bounces one additional time.



While nearly all of the county of Murdska was ravaged by plagues of undeath, Grenedale (formerly Greendale) arguably got the worst and weirdest of it. For most beings, undeath is something bad that happens after you die. For the Lesionnaires and their folk, it was something that came in like wisdom teeth. The most disturbing part might be the lack of pain - like lepers, they simply lose all feeling in the walking shells their bodies have become. Actually, the most disturbing part is probably how they carry on as if nothing happened, living, working, playing Blood Bowl...No, wait, the most disturbing part is when their eyeballs randomly explode. Yuck. In the words of rotter Filth Collins, "I can feel it...coming in the air tonight. Oh, lord, and I've been waiting for this moment all my life!" Quite the enthusiasm from someone caked in an inch of refuse!

Coached by: Matt Stroud. Arena Rule: Leaving your Mark: If a player is killed, the team whose player got the casualty point for that kill gains a cumulative +1 to their FAME for the remainder of the match.


And there you have it! Fourteen teams in two divisions making for the biggest, meanest MMBBL lineup to date! Tomorrow the regular season kicks off with Bloodbath Division's first round of hostilities! See you there, sportsfiends!

Go-Getters, Record Setters, and Bed-Wetters: The Autumn 2008 MMBBL Awards!

And now what you fans have all been waiting for - the MMBBL's award ceremony for the Autumn 2008 season! We've got the best and the brightest, the toughest, the roughest, and of course, the worst performances in the league!

Starting things off is the winner of the Silver Elbow, awarded to the player with the most completed passes in the league. This one's a no-brainer folks. With his closest contender, Fivel Mausketrap, a full seven completions behind, our winner here is Lance Freely of the Fly-by Knights with a staggering twenty completions this season. With an arm that never tires and more moves than an afternoon at chess club, there's nowhere to go but up for this young gun.

Next on the list come the big playmakers. The guys who, through force of will, brute strength and sweet moves, got the ball over that goal line the most times this season. To no one's surprise the winner is Tsih Killwillow of the Blueriver Wardoves with seven big scores. He was chased the whole way, though, by teammate Angruil Grimmrose, as well as Knights' receiver Stanley Steele and Go'nads' runner Dick Gozinia with six scores each. Killwillow, who also took home the Spike! Magazine cover deal, has shown nothing but the best in leadership-by-example for his high-flying team.

Next up, what some say is the hardest award to win...on purpose at least. And in that spirit, there was no single winner of the Brass Doorknob award for Undeniable Interference. There were only three interceptions all season in this league, likely due to a combination of highly accurate throwers and incredibly stubborn runners. The three picks that did get pulled down came from a diverse set of players. Firstly, Sue Xtopilopicoatl of the Chupacabras, who showed us how high a leapin' lizard can get. Next up was Victor Dashing of the Knights who did a little bit of everything, and did it very well, this season. Finally, from the "really had no business doing anything with a hand that doesn't involve punching" category, Orok Deathbane of the Spinebreakers, who by reasons we can only describe as the quantum probability of time and space skipping a beat, pulled in an errant pass of his own.

There were several players in the running for the Commissioner's Medal for Exemplary Brutality this season...until Cludge Slamboni got it in gear and ran away with it. With a whopping six serious injuries to his name, the Smash and Go'nads' deathroller pilot left his mark on the league this year, a greasy, pulpy smear that no other player could hope to live up to. Worth mentioning, however, in the category of actual confirmed kills, are three players who left their marks on the rosters of their opponents. Barkley Hobbittosser made not only a name for himself, but likely a species, genus, and possibly a phylum as well when he obliterated an unknown Norse journeyman in a game against the Asgard Raiders. A few games later, Fly-by Knights ogre Barglesnart Livingstone abruptly and colorfully brought an end to chaos dwarf Rip Tendon after hurling the Traumatic Takedown player into a vat of known unknowns, possibly the most philosophical death in league history to involve turning purple and catching fire. Finally, Reptar the Reprehensible of the Sun Temple Chupacabras gorefully terminated Tanthil Twigbreaker of the Blueriver Wardoves in playoff action, leaving barely enough to pass off as a jar of pasta sauce, let alone enough for a proper burial.

The player to be awarded the most MVP accolades over the course of the season was the impressive Fhorin Bloodmeadow, with three such awards to his name. Despite a late-season injury which will no doubt affect his quick mobility, he remains a fantastic all-round athlete and a credit to the Wardoves squad. Many other players earned a pair of MVP nods, but close doesn't count in the MMBBL.

Finally, our award for overall points gain and season MVP award goes to...Victor Dashing of the Fly-by Knights! Dashing made his mark in every aspect of the game this season, earning two MVP awards, a trio of casualties, three touchdowns, a completion, and even an interception. He's been seen lately chilling with Spike! player of the year award winner Tish Killwillow at some of the biggest events in Blueriver and Valor Keepe, and it's rumoured that the two are planning to open a lucrative nightclub in the off season.

Rounding out the top ten of overall points were Tsih Killwillow with 27, Dick Gozinia and Kiro Stormaxe with 24, Stanley "Stainless" Steele with 23, Reedrush and Twinkletoes with 21, Lance Freely with 20, and Egor Longrow and Dingleberry with 19 each.

Finally, the saddest sack, the lamest duck, the Big Fat Zero award goes to...the Buccinator of the Traumatic Takedown! This surly underachieving line dwarf did nothing impressive except possibly be the most unimpressive player all season! Even his teammate Rip Tendon had the good sense to get himself killed. We'll expect more from the Buccinator when we see him next. Why? because frankly, it's impossibly to set the bar any lower than ground level!

That's the lot of them, sportsfiends! Here's wishing you and yours a happy holiday season, and be sure to check back in the off-season for updates regarding new teams, new coaches, rules, events, and above all, MMBBL mayhem!

Wardoves Thrill Home Crowd, Defeat Chupacabras

In front of a massive crowd of over 32,000 roaring fans, the Blueriver Wardoves played host to the Sun temple Chupacabras in quarterfinal action this past week. While the elf squad was favoured in experience, the wily Chupacabras upset them in the first week of the regular season, so it was anyone's guess who would be moving on to the semifinals. This time, the lizardmen had the added benefit of one Hemlock, known as the "stabbiest lizard who ever stabbed".

A gust of wind signaled the start of the match, with the elves kicking the ball away. Pablo Xtopilopicoatl was the skink on the spot, fielding the ball and picking his run path through up to the line, and eventually into the stifling Wardove zone defense. Up on the line, a see-saw battle of guts and grit was taking shape, with the first serious blow being dealt by line elf Dellin Finchtalon, who soundly clobbered skink runner Gecko Xtopilopicoatl. Gecko was alright, but sustained enough damage to bench the little fellow for the rest of the day. Enraged by this attack on his skilled teammate, saurus Iguanadon Quixote burst through coverage to make a retaliatory shot against the Wardoves' talent - namely talented (and recently hard-luck) thrower Bendark Mossfang. Quixote hit the elf head-on, pushing him to the earth and crushing his collarbone under the weight of several hundred pounds of concentrated reptile. The crowd was hushed as Bendark was carted off the field, lacking the strength in his arms to give even a "thumbs up" to calm the panicked young ladies in the stands. The Wardoves would be without the catalyst of their explosive offense for the rest of this game, and more time still should they advance to the next round.

Demoralized and disorganized, the elf defense was cleanly spread away by saurus aggressors. With only the briefest of delays, Pablo Xtopilopicoatl crossed the goal line to give his Chupacabras the lead. The way things had started for the Wardoves, history looked poised to repeat itself.

Steeling themselves against Fate's cruel whims, the Blueriver Wardoves started their first offensive drive with unlikely replacement quarterback Valandil Dreadlily receiving the kick. Not a single elf finger went uncrossed in the entire stadium as Dreadlily got his hands on the ball, and smartly threw his first completion of the day to the illustrious and industrious Tsih Killwillow. Forgotten was the heartwrenching departure of Bendark Mossfang, replaced by the torrent of emotion unleashed from countless young maidens as this athletic dreamboat set sail towards the end zone. With steady blocking from his linemen, Tsih cruised to an easy touchdown, backflipping into a heap of pillows and rose petals, and restoring the Wardoves' battered morale.

Not enough time remained in the first half for another score, though in the ensuing drive, the Chupacabras made their best effort to collectively mangle Tsih Killwillow. The wily catcher was not to be caught, though, and as the whistle blew for halftime, the stands were filled with the chanting of his name.

Depleted in number but bolstered in spirit, the Wardoves took the field to start their offensive drive in the second half. Once more, walk-on quarterback Valandil Dreadlily fielded the ball and set up his offense. As a surprise to everyone involved, Dreadlily changed the play almost from the outset, confusing the lizardmen and buying time for a sneaky gadget play. As the Chupacabras stormed forward, Dreadlily lobbed the ball to blitzer Albiir Featherdeath, who was in the clear and ran laterally along the line of scrimmage. With the defense shifting their focus, Featherdeath quickly found Dellin Finchtalon alone with no coverage, and passed to the superlative line elf. Before the defense could recover from yet another split-second change, Finchtalon was making long strides past the skink secondary and was across the goal line to give the Wardoves a 2-1 lead.

Not a team to panic in the slightest, the Chupacabras were confident that they could make up the difference in their own style - swift scoring lined up behind a punishing offensive line. On a quick snap on the next drive, they certainly proved the strength of the latter. Taken off-guard by the sudden movement of the lizardmen line, Tanthil Twigbreaker was blindsided by the hulking Reptar the Reprehensible and gored viciously on the saurus' bone helmet. Officials attempted to calm Mr. the Reprehensible down, but the blood was singing in his ears and no one could get near him. Eventually, once the play had moved away from the line and down the field, he caught his breath, and regained his eyesight as what was left of Tanthil Twigbreaker slid off of his helmet, hitting the pitch with a squishy thud.

Unfortunately for the Chupacabras, Reptar's strength was missed on the drive, and the elf defenders had brought the forward progress to a standstill. As the ball squirted loose, who should come across it but Valandil Dreadlily, and the elf that destiny had chosen for this match did what he knew he had to do. Lizardman coverage was everywhere, but looking downfield, Dreadlily saw glittering light in the midst of scaly darkness. Hurling the ball forward, Dreadlily found Tsih Killwillow, who reeled in a one-handed grab that had the whole stadium gasping. He landed, righted himself, and found paydirt in the end zone. Looking to the clock and the scoreboard to see his team ahead by two touchdowns, Tsih grabbed the nearest cheerleader and kissed her in a way that made everyone - even the lizardmen, to whom kissing is a sort of half-assed way of eating people - very jealous.

The two teams lined up again for the last few seconds of the match to play out - merely a formality. The final score at the buzzer was 3-1 for the Blueriver Wardoves, who will advance to the semifinals to play the Smash and Go'nads for a chance to play in the Spike! tournament finals. MVPs of the match were Tsih Killwillow of the Wardoves, whose skill in taking the aggressive attentions of the Chupacabras was nothing short of monumental, and Iguanadon Quixote of the Chupacabras, who was responsible for the crunchy crippling of Bendark Mossfang.

The semifinals are set! Orcs and Humans! Elves and Dwarves! Sometimes, it just comes back to the classics, doesn't it?

Skinks Sink Stinkers

This week's action from Deathdealer Division is coming right at you, sportsfiends! First on the slate, the woeful Muenster Valley Stinkers host the surprising Sun Temple Chupacabras at Fort Muenster Cheeseyard. Right from the outset, it was clear who the favourites were. More than two thirds of the spectators on hand were there in support of the Chupacabras, and this despite the questionable implications of anyone but a goblin going anywhere near a goblin-run arena.

The lizardmen won the coin toss and elected to receive first. The Stinkers defense was missing one of its biggest contributors - Windmill Widegut, who was sitting this one out with a moderate concussion sustained against the Smash and Go'nads. In his place, however, stood mercenary troll Gurch Squatlaunch - maybe not the best money can buy, but certainly something that some money can rent. To the Stinkers' delight, he proved to be on the same page as the rest of the team from the get-go, as he set a blitz in motion on the first kickoff. The play seemed to have rattled the lizard offense, as a handoff from Harpo to Mondo Xtopilopicoatl was bobbled and dropped. The Stinkers pressed the brief advantage as Whirly Early unraveled his ball and chain to knock a pair of saurus on their backsides. Gurch further proved his worth by hitting Tyrannosaurus Sex with a double-arm slam that left the rapacious reptile seeing stars as he was hauled off the pitch to the infirmary. Again the skinks worked at their running play, and this time Harpo successfully handed off to his brother Pablo, who cruised down the sideline, escorted by El Mucho Grande. Stinker Fleestone of the goblins attempted to stop the crafty skink, but he proved entirely too slippery, breaking free of coverage and running the ball in for the touchdown.

A lucky break struck for the Stinkers as the Chupacabras kicked to them. The ball sailed out of bounds and the touchback went to Gassy Pinchflick, newcomer and soon-to-be-airborne goblin wheeler. Thudd Thuddler hurled him skyward, but the landing left much to be desired. The lizardmen made a move to recover the football, and though his first try failed, eventually Pablo Xtopilopicoatl scooped it up and made his way up the field. Pablo then handed off to brother Meepo, who mirrored his brother's previous touchdown run with a streak down the sideline. Just like that, the score was 2-0 for the Sun temple Chupacabras.

At this point, the Chupacabras' fans were roaring, but somehow their joy was matched by the angry bellowing of the smaller goblin contingent. It is speculated that though the goblins' voices were relatively quiet, their collective breath was loud enough to split stone and raise the dead. A second bad kick from the lizardmen landed right at midfield, but in such a way that neither skink nor stinker could get a solid hold of it before being tripped up or shoved away. The referees managed to pick something up, however, as Gassy Pinchflick was tossed out for a half-hearted foul on El Legarto Terrible. Finally, Stinker Fleestone managed to get a grip on the football, and immediately thereafter was lobbed downfield by Thudd Thuddler. The throw proved just short of the end zone, and the whistle blew before Fleestone could make a run for it. At halftime, the Chupacabras remained in the lead, two scores to none.

After the break, with the Stinkers receiving once more, you could see in their eyes the sense of desperation. The kick this time was much better, and fielded poorly by Dab Lobsnot. Lobsnot was subsequently pushed aside by his own teammate, Kicky Mudgob, who had little trouble with the ball and was thereafter heaved aloft by the towering Thudd Thuddler. Thuddler's aim was true, and Mudgob's landing immaculate. a quick bob and weave around the bewildered skink safety and the goblins had their first point of the game.

While the goblin touchdown has a great effect on the morale of the hometown fans, it absolutely enraged the Chupacabras' supporters. As the Stinkers kicked off, an errant thighbone was thrown out of the upper deck and pegged Thudd Thuddler squarely in the back of his skull, just below he helmet. The troll fell flat on his face, but the looks on the faces of the lizardmen were not smiles and smirks. With the troll out of the way, they caught a glimpse of Blaggat Horkbag, casually tossing a bomb from hand to hand. They looked to the referee, but he was far too busy counting a handful of money to pay any attention. Horkbag let fly his explosives, and the blast plowed through Mondo Xtopilopicoatl, severely damaging the skink's hip joint. Luckily, the skilled priests of the Sun Temple were able to mend the fallen player. Despite the smoke and blasted turf, the Chupacabras held to their game plan and Meepo Xtopilopicoatl found the ball. Running headlong down the sideline with support from Reptar the Reprehensible and Harpo, Meepo proved untouchable and the two-point lead was restored as he crossed the goal line.

As the game began to slip away from them, the stinkers showed signs of faltering across the field. The Chupacabras were able to read their offense perfectly and reordered themselves to exploit its weaknesses. Gurch Squatlaunch pitched ball carrier Nudgy Bangfart down the field, but the latter landed on his head rather than his feet. As Bangfart was about to get up again, he found himself surrounded by skinks, and a sharp kick to the temple from Sue Xtopilopicoatl put him out with a bad case of the won't-wake-ups. The bad breaks kept coming as El Mucho Grande knocked out Bumgo Butterbomb and Pablo Xtopilopicoatl turned a blitz by Ziddy Blotch into a comatose goblin.With that, Pablo scooped up the football and took off like a shot for the end zone. With nothing but hope left in the playbook, Gurch Squatlaunch threw Kicky Mudgob towards the streaking skink, and miraculously the goblin didn't crash. Hitting the ground running, Mudgob plowed into Pablo and knocked the skink flat. The ball careened into the stands and, in typical goblin fashion, was booted back into play before anyone got any ideas about going in after it. Right on the spot was Gecko, but the run took too much out of him, and he fell, exhausted, before crossing the goal line. With not so much as a gasp left in the lungs of anyone present, time ran out, with the final score sitting at 3-1 for the Sun Temple Chupacabras.

Match MVPs were Blaggat Horkbag of the Stinkers, and Reptar the Reprehensible of the Chupacabras, no doubt for his strong supportive blocking on Meepo Xtopilopicoatl's touchdown run. Notable as well were Meepo himself, who worked his way out of coverage with some incredible footwork, and Sue, who displayed remarkable agility throughout the contest. after the match, the Chupacabras' skinks were noticeably excited, and the reason became clear in a press conference, as the father of the many Xtopilopicoatl brothers, "Big Poppa" Xtopilopicoatl, joined the team in the position of Thunder Lizard. This potent offense is 2 and 0 in its young history, and the addition of a Kroxigor on the front line will make them a powerhouse on both sides of the ball.

Tune in again soon for all the highlights from the Smash and Go'nads' match against the BloodDrunk Berserkers!