Too Much Ugly in Sewer Smashup

Bryag Mudrake here once again for league night in the Deathdealer Division! It's the Blackwater Bilgerunners at the Tidy Bowl hosting the Grenedale Lesionnaires! Attendance was surprisingly light for an official league match, with a mere 20,000 fans in attendance. Perhaps the light attendance was fear amongst the skaven of a recurrence of the infamous Blackwater/Bloodsand match. Perhaps it was fear of a one-sided score-fest by the skilled skaven against the rookie rotters. Or perhaps it was simply too much ugly on the field for any casual fan to stomach. One thing is for sure; sales of Big Moot sandwiches have never been lower in the history of the MMBBL. It's a real shame there weren't more people to see this game, because this one would be an all-star demolition derby! The Lesionnaires have convinced not only Lord Borak the Despoiler to play for their team, but also the mighty Morg 'n' Thorg! The Bilgerunners, perhaps sensing the pummeling to come, hired on a mercenary lineman named Cheesethief to help fill potential holes in the line, and to kick a few players when down.

The Bilgerunners won the coin toss and elected to receive. Worried about the utter darkness in the cistern stadium (the Tidy Bowl equivalent of a sunny day) the rats elected not to field Mausketrap in the opening play. The fears proved groundless as covers were removed and torches lit during the first kick, bringing the playing environment back to tolerable levels. Casual fans might not expect the skaven to take on someone as strong as Morg’n’Thorg, but Bilgerunner fans know better! Blocking started with a mighty bang, as Stumptail knocked Morg 'n' Thorg over, and O'Rattigan pummeled both Zitgore Pusfist and Gomer Bile unconscious. Piddlepaw grabbed the ball, and handed off to Twinkletoes, who buried himself in skaven support just over the line at center field. Pestigors attempted to charge down the slippery Gutter Runner, but failed to get much traction. Twinkletoes slipped past, and rushed in for a quick touchdown, to the cheers and jeers of fans, and the retches of the weaker stomachs in the crowd.

The Skaven set up a traditional deep defense, with their strongest players flanked by their most expendable, and the most valuable in deep coverage. Coverage was not quite deep enough though, and Morg ’N’ Thorg wanted some revenge! Shifting out of the Lesionnaire front line, Morg attempted to run down Stumptail for the bruise to his honor. Fortunately for Stumptail, he refused to be knocked over by the massive ogre, and even managed to push back with a little help from his companions. The ball was picked up by Putesco Prosterno, who attempted to pass it off to one of the advancing pestigors, but wound up firing it behind the skaven line instead. Surrounded by the disturbing presence of the Nurgle Warriors, the skaven worked to shove the horrid monstrosities far enough for Piddlepaw, hiding behind O’Rattigan, to hold his nose and make a grab. Both teams started to pile on the fouls now, with the rent-a-rat Cheesethief knocking out Lord Borak with a well-placed boot to the head, and Putesco thrown out for an attempted foul on Brutus. That call was enough for Piddlepaw to dodge back into coverage, and race up center field for another touchdown!

The following kick to the Lesionnaires was high enough to let Horrendus Atrox to slip under the ball and catch it in his gooey arms. A screechy warcry from midfield drew the crowd’s attention as Stumptail, continuing his rivalry, ran up to Morg 'n' Thorg and attempted to knock him down once again! This time the massive Ogre expected the onslaught, and backhanded Stumptail, who tumbled back in a whimpering heap. He was carted off the field to spend the rest of the game nursing his injuries. That was enough of a disruption for the pestigors to get their passing game together, as Atrox shot a quick pass to Lacrimabilis "Larry" Fatum, who passed off in turn to Mort Gasper. By this time, however, the Bilgerunner defense was enough to prevent the Lesionnaires a touchdown before the end of the half, despite attempts to shove them away!

The second half saw some clever coaching by the skaven assistants give the Bilgerunners a little more organization. Once again, Atrox got the ball on the kickoff, and the Lesionnaires started the beatings. This time however, the Nurgle strength was much more effective, as the skaven were bowled over left, right, and center along the line of scrimmage. With enough defenders down, the ref failed to notice Scab Pickens boot O'Rattigan in the neck, knocking him unconscious for the remainder of the match. Borak followed up with a sickening smash to Piddlepaw, who lay disturbingly still on the pitch. Medics carted him off the field and the team apothecary managed to restart his heart, and get him back on the bench for the next drive. Now a horrible sense of familiarity was returning to long-time Bilgerunner fans... a strong 2-0 opening was giving way to a tremendous beating. Fortunately, several of those longtime fans got a chance to help this time, as three skaven and a pestigor were shoved into a cluster of season ticket-holders, who carried the Bilgerunners safely to their dugout, and knocked Fatum out cold before the refs could recover him. While they were occupied, Oblivio Demum kicked Jenner hard enough to put him out of the game. By the end of the drive, a mere three skaven remained on the field, running for cover as they were chased down by gleeful Nurgle and a grinning Morg, as Atrox trotted the ball in for a touchdown. Oh how the mighty had fallen!

With little time remaining in the first half, the Bilgerunner offense was seriously depleted. With Stumptail, Jenner and O'Rattigan all missing, the rats would have to open the front lines with a single blitzer, and field all the remaining linerats. Spurred on by the scent of blood and the fear of defeat, the crowd stormed the field on the final kick. Towards the starboard side of the field, the Bilgerunners' rat-rush and the Lesionnaire defense were virtually untouched. Towards the port-side lay devastation, as both Nurgle wide-zone defenders, Fivel Mausketrap, and the ball lay motionless. Shocked realization dawned upon the teams, then the Gutter Runners dashed across the field to take advantage of the makeshift opening, while the Lesionnaires lay on the whuppins to get Morg ‘n’ Thorg a shot at the ball. Piddlepaw dashed upfield, leaping over rotters while Dingleberry attempted to pass off the pigskin. His throw was tripped up by his trembling extra arms, and the ball was fumbled! Gurglegasp attempted to guard the ball from Morg 'n' Thorg, a brave but futile gesture as the Ogre dashed him to the ground, and picked up the ball despite the distractions from Gurglegasp's labored breathing. With moments left, it would take serious teamwork to bring down the ogre without the aid of Stumptail or O'Rattigan. Fivel, Gurglegasp and Dingleberry staggered up from where they lay, and rushed over to grab Morg from behind. Dodging away from across the field, Squeesplat sprinted to the limits of his endurance and landed a lucky blow, toppling Morg, and letting the ball fall free! The Lesionnaires moved to cover, and Morg staggered to his feet. Morg then attempted to dodge out of coverage for a last slim chance chance to tie the game but was tripped up by the heartened linerats! Shoving the remaining rotters out of the way, Fivel Mausketrap grabbed the ball, ran to the center line. He hurled an incredible long-bomb pass all the way into the Nurgle endzone where Piddlepaw, having slipped away from mid-field coverage, tippled the ball... and caught it! 3-1 against incredible odds for the Bilgerunners! The fans would have gone wild, if there any left in the stands after the post-invasion purge.

Match MVPs go to Hork Hogan and Notchear, for reasons only the fans could explain. Horrendus Atrox's new blocking abilities were also noted in this game. Thanks again for tuning into the MMBBL Coverage! I'll be back next week with lots more action from the Stargazing Farmboys in Bloodbath division! See you then!

Duel in the Drainpipe

The second of two challenge matches this weekend saw the Fly-By Knights answer the challenge put forth by the Blackwater Bilgerunners. These two well-rounded and experienced squads did battle in the Tidybowl to the delight of nearly twenty-five thousand fans.

Having won the coin toss, the Skaven would receive to open the game. Both teams were given inspiring speeches from their coaches before taking the field, and the resolve in the eyes of both man and mouse reflected their determination. When the kick from the Knights sailed out of bounds, the ball went to Fivel Mausketrap, quarterback and team captain of the Bilgerunners. Starting their advance with sound blocking, linerat Stumptail knocked out Knights' captain Karl Von Uberstamp. Taking immediate advantage of the momentum this caused, Mausketrap threw a pass to the nimble Dingleberry. The Knights worked to settle the score in terms of numbers as Barglesnart Livingstone sent Stumptail off for a brief nap, and Wamsley Wedgeworth, playing in the secondary, threw a block on Dingleberry. The hit succeeded, and the ball flew free, but Wedgeworth was down as well, and spent the rest of the game asleep. Not more than a few seconds later, O'Rattigan the rat ogre collided with Barglesnart Livingstone and both giants fell to the earth, with O'Rattigan getting the worse of the impact.

Rising from where he fell, Livingstone backhanded Brutus the Skaven blitzer, causing him to fall onto the ball and knock it away. Throwing caution to the wind, Fivel Mausketrap showed his leadership quality by charging into the fray and recovering the ball, then tossing it to a suddenly-open Twinkletoes, who scampered his way to the game's first point.

On the following kickoff, despite a gust of wind carrying the ball further than he'd anticipated, Lance Freely tracked it down and threw a clean pass to receiver Brad Attitûd, who took moved up the middle of the field into protective support. His timing was off as he made his cut to the sideline, however, and Attitûd fell forward, losing the ball. Linerat Krunch pounced on it, and looked to make a desperate pass before getting pummeled by a quartet of Knights linemen. The pass was tipped by Cyrano de Baggagerack, and nearly caught by Victor Dashing. Almost every Knight on the field was in tight against the skaven, but the hard-working Abraham Sandwich got free and got his hands on the prize. Looking for a target of his own, Sandwich saw Stanley Steele streaking down the sideline, and launched the ball his way. Steel made the catch, and was untouched en route to the end zone, tying the score at one apiece.

The Knights' kicking difficulties continued to plague them as their kickoff once again sailed out of bounds. A quick snap on the first play of the drive further confused them, and the Bilgerunners took full advantage of the miscue. Brutus stormed across the line of scrimmage, knocking out a bewildered Cyrano de Baggagerack. With little coverage on his receivers, Fivel Mausketrap calmly lobbed the ball to Dingleberry, who made his bid for the highlight reel by leaping directly over top of Barglesnart Livingstone. Only one other player has even attempted to vault this meaty mound of ogre, and you may recall Ol' Teabagger crashing pelvis-first into his helmet and spinning end over end into the dirt. No such problem for Dingleberry, who landed with ease and was well on his way.

Dingleberry wasn't the only player on his way, which the gutter runner soon discovered. Abraham Sandwich was on the spot once again, landing a solid block on the skaven and sending the ball bouncing away. What followed was another little miracle for the Knights' defense, as rookie lineman Humphrey Bogatyr gathered the ball up, saw that he was mere seconds from being munched by O'Rattigan, and launched a long bomb down the pitch, into the waiting arms of fellow lineman Max Limit. In a flash, Chet Jackweed was downfield as well, lending support to the unlikely receiver. The Bilgerunners weren't far behind, however, and Stumptail made a great tackle to slow the Knights' advance, knocking down Limit and freeing up the ball for Piddlepaw to grab. Piddlepaw couldn't get a handle on it, though, and it came back to Chet Jackweed. Jackweed was nearly in the clear, but as he moved to break away from the skaven, his foot caught in Piddlepaw's cape and he fell to the ground as time ran out in the first half.

The Bilgerunner had put a stop to the Knights' defensive rush, but how would they fare against their offense? As they kicked off, the answer seemed to be "pretty well, actually". Calling for the blitz, the skaven scurried across the line of scrimmage and made a break for the ball. Lance Freely got there first though, and managed a pass under pressure to Brad Attitûd, streaking down the outside on a familiar route. Squeesplat was quick to move into pursuit of the catcher, and Twistknee earned a cheer as he crashed headlong into Chet Jackweed before the blitzer could run to his teammate's aid, mangling the human slightly. Even without the support, Attitûd was able to scramble away from Squeesplat and high-stepped over the goal line to give the Fly-By Knights the lead.

Unshaken by the Knights' touchdown, the Bilgerunners' coaching staff rallied their troops and sent them out on the field with a similar quick-scoring play in mind. The one snag in the pan came as Fivel Mausketrap's pass to Piddlepaw was bobbled and dropped. With humans bearing down on him from all sides, it seemed that Piddlepaw might meet his end - until O'Rattigan showed up, fuming with animal rage and swatting Knights aside as if they were small figurines. With the only breathing down his neck coming from his lumbering teammate, Piddlepaw regained his footing and took the ball quickly down to tie the score at two.

The Knights still had a chance to win, but the clock was running out fast. Their desperation translated to heightened awareness on the line of scrimmage, and the humans were up and moving the ball before the skaven could react. Lance Freely hit Brad Attitûd for his third completion of the day, and his target charged headlong down the field while the Knight line did its best to hold. Their effort in that regard suffered mightily as O'Rattigan's continued frenzy enabled him to plow through Barglesnart Livingstone, knocking the ogre out cold. In light of this change in strength dynamic, the Knights shuffled their playbook a bit, and Brad Attitûd handed off to lineman Abraham Sandwich in order to deflect the rat ogre's wrath to a stronger target. Sandwich took the hits that came, and lost the ball as a result, but remained in the game. Now came another lineman, Solomon Squatz, who found the ball and lobbed it back to Attitûd, who made his cut back inside and hurried down the middle of the pitch, but fell not halfway to his goal. Lance Freely moved in to try to recover the ball, but couldn't hold on amidst half a dozen skaven. The match ended in a draw as Jenner threw a quick pass out to Stumptail, who was too far from the end zone to score in time.

The match MVPs for this 2-2 draw were the hideously disturbing Gurglegasp of the Blackwater Bilgerunners, and catcher Brad Attitûd of the Fly-By Knights. Stanley "Stainless" Steele earns a nod as well, for a remarkable burst of speed in his first half touchdown run. Next for the Bilgerunners is another challenge - this time issued by the Smash and Go'nads. The Knights will host the Pancake Valley Shortstacks at Valor Keepe Stadiumme.