Kickoff Weekend Holds Many Surprises

The Commish here again with highlights from the MMBBL's Blood Bowl season kickoff weekend! Let me tell you, sportsfiends, there were some great matches on, and more than a couple of upsets!

Deathdealer Division's four matches saw a great deal of drama. The Plotzburgh Shankers started things off by welcoming the Greenskin Bumlookers to Plotzburgh Adequate Security Prison Yard. No strangers to situations involving dropped soap and handcuffs themselves, the Bumlookers were a big hit with the crowd. Popularity wouldn't win the day, though, as the Shankers held onto a 1-0 lead long enough to claim victory. Match MVP awards went to Hans Kuft of the Shankers and Manny T. Baggins of the Bumlookers. A true spectacle of raw strength was put on by orc blocker Hugh Jass, who was earlier under suspicion of using performance-enhancing drugs. It became evident that he was in fact using performance-enhancing-drug-enhancing drugs, which we discovered were not, in fact, illegal. This revelation came to us from our top doping expert, who performed the test himself and assured us that "Mister Jass did not violate the code of conduct, nor did he punch my teeth down my throat if I know what's good for me."

Perhaps the greatest rivalry of the day was that brewing at the Slag Pit, where the Dark Iron Dreadnaughts hosted their kin, the Smash and Go'nads. The Go'nads threw down a ton of hurt, injuring several of their opponents, but a cartload of inducement money had bought the Dreadnaughts a very competent medical crew, and through perseverance and grit, they outlasted the favoured Go'nads for a 1-0 victory. Match MVPs were Cludge Slamboni of the Go'nads and Angus Angerforge of the Dreadnaughts. Gil T. Azell, the frothy-mouthed slayer from the Go'nads squad, was also given accolades and a very wide berth for his impressive and scrappy wrestling.

It wasn't all low scores and hard hits in the Deathdealer games, as was seen when the Blackwater Bilgerunners visited the Sun Temple Chupacabras, deep in the jungles of Ghetitophme. This high-adrenaline scoring fest was punctuated by periods of brutal heat which forced several skaven to hit the showers early and sent many a lizard scampering under the nearest large rock. Back and forth the touchdowns went, despite the temperature, and in the end the score held at four apiece. A tie, but exciting nonetheless, and the players on each side showed great respect for each other in the aftermath. Perhaps another rivalry is brewing here? MVP awards went to Squeesplat of the Bilgerunners and Gecko Xtopilopicoatl of the Chupacabras, whose surefootedness inspired great performances from his brothers as well. Mondo likewise showed confidence running the ball, and the youngest of the group, Lando, earned praise for being very hard for the opponent to get a handle on. The bad news from this game comes for the Bilgerunners; O'Rattigan, their mound of mousy muscle, suffered a broken neck and will be out for the next match because of it.

Finally, the Blueriver Wardoves, including SPIKE! magazine cover boy Tsih Killwillow, met the Fjord Rangers on the Battlefield of Good Sport for the division's evening match. The Wardoves were heavily favoured, but the Rangers hounded them at every turn with exemplary defense, including a picture-perfect interception by lineman Valter Franzen, which resulted in the second of the Rangers' touchdowns. Try as they might to recover, the high elves got no quarter from the Norse force, and that second touchdown stood up to give the Fjord Rangers a 2-1 victory. Dellin Finchtalon of Blueriver and Edvard Nilsen of the Fjord took home the MVP awards. the play of Wardoves quarterback Bendark Mossfang was notable as well, as despite the interception, he threw calmly and well regardless of coverage. Jonas Mednick was also stellar in his running of the secondary defense, stripping the ball loose from any elf trying to get by on his watch.

On now to Bloodbath Division, where match results were just as exciting and a bit more on the bloody side! Leading off the games was a dangerous duel at Bad Block Pyramid, home of the Bloodsand Blasters. The self-styled "dustiest players in the game" were hosting the Meathooks, whose legendary brutality is matched only by their legendary appetites. The hungrier team proved the winner in this case, with a 2-0 decision playing out in favour of the Meathooks. Included in this mess of a game was a touchdown by the highly unlikely Gort Crudhammer, who we assume fought a mighty battle with personal instinct to eat the ball rather than carry it over the line when he got his pudgy fingers on it. The dismal play of the Blasters leaves many questions about the continued success of this admittedly one-dimensional team. MVP awards went to the Meathooks' Steakums McMeaty and the Blasters' Battering Ramses. Noticable as well was orc quarterback Biggs McStabstab, who has really put some distance on his throwing range since last we saw him play.

The hits didn't stop coming as the Stargazin' Farmboys hosted the Darkmire Carnosaurs out in Dago's Bog, in a filthy (but packed!) Most Likely Swamp Port arena. The Carnosaurs, co-winners of the Chaos Cup, have become a truly intimidating force in the MMBBL, and the Farmboys needed to dig deep and pull up every ounce of talent they possessed to match the challenge. That is precisely what they did, too. In spite of a staggering injury to talented catcher Dan Solitaire, the rest of the Farmboys held on for a 2-2 draw with the Carnosaurs. The lizardman MVP for the match was Wildfang, who was simply uncontainable on the line of scrimmage. Conversely, human lineman "Hobby" Oldfield was very strong on defense, blocking several skink incursions into Farmboy territory.

The hard-luck Lurkers of Azzilizza paid a visit to the Panama Scourge for Bloodbath's third matchup. This was easily the goriest match of the day, and it didn't help that half of the players were in varying degrees of decomposition already. The unstoppable force of the nimble, crafty dark elves was matched against an immovable object of undead defense. When one side broke through the other team's coverage, there were results - but at great cost. New Scourge ghoul Mook II got himself a touchdown, and then a trip to the infirmary that left him with a broken neck. Even worse was the fate of elf blitzer Zanzil Xenophobe, who was gruesomely impaled on the pointy helmet of line skeleton Brack. Zanzil died immediately and, thanks to the nature of his opponents' recruiting practices, promptly got up and went over to the Scourge bench to take his place as probably the best-looking zombie ever. The final score in this game was 1-1, though only the Panama Scourge can truly say they took something extra away from the match. Some ONE, really. MVP awards were presented to the Scourge's Brack, whose unorthodox but effective blocking also resulted in a new recruit, and to Braxis Facemelter of the Lurkers. Skeleton lineman Billy Bonelegs also displayed an uncharacteristic level of nimbleness on the line, and Drixit Heelgrinder of the Lurkers showed excellend ball control.

The final match on the card brought the newly formed Spleen Bay Rat Packers, a Gnoll team from the Southern coast of the Beastlands, down to visit the Ibisi A-Nile-Ators, the MMBBL's only all-female squad. The Packers being an unknown squad, no one was sure what to expect. When the dust settled, new expectations were certainly brewing in the minds of fans, players, and sports writers everywhere, as the team from Spleen Bay routed the A-Nile-Ators 3-0. Outmaneuvering and outrunning their aspect opponents at every turn, the gnolls played a commanding offense led by their game MVP, Klitch Bloodswallow, who not only scored and passed, but through some key blocks as well. In spite of an MVP performance by A-Nile-Ators linewoman Nefver Timid, the Rat Packers rolled on to victory.

That does it for kickoff weekend, sportsfiends! For those keeping track, Klitch Bloodswallow is the top-rated player in the league so far, and after only his first game in the MMBBL! Will we see more from this young upstart? In the meantime, feel free to salivate over next week's Deathdealer divisional matchups!

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Smash and Go'nads VS Plotzburgh Shankers
Dark Iron Dreadnaughts VS Greenskin Bumlookers
Fjord Rangers VS Sun Temple Chupacabras
Blueriver Wardoves VS Blackwater Bilgerunners

Deadites Dethrone Spike! Tournament Champs

The MMBBL Dungeonbowl playoffs have begun, and the excitement is building right from the get-go, as the upstart Drudgetown Deadites hosted the underachieving champions, the Razor Hill Spinebreakers, at the Pit in Drudgetown this past weekend. It was a gorgeous day for a game, and the Spinebreakers would start on offense, as the Deadites won the toss and opted to defer.

As the ball took to the sky, an immense cheer went up for the Deadites, whose fans were living a veritable dream of an inaugural season. The ball came down not far from orc hero Kiro Stormaxe, who had been having a comparatively quiet season thus far. Stormaxe moved up behind troll blocker Zor Loneblow and handed off to the previously-unseen Chuck Skudfungus, who looked ready to go for a ride. With all in readiness, Loneblow scooped up the goblin in an attempt to toss him downfield, but overdid it on the wind-up and dropped Skudfungus back to the ground! With an ineffectual kick to the troll's massive foot, Skudfungus let him know he was still there, and before the pressing Deadite defense could make a move for the ball, the goblin was airborne again, and on target this time. Soaring over the heads of the Deadites' defense, Skudfungus landed expertly and stormed into the end zone to give the orc squad the early lead.

Now the test would come for the Deadites, to see if they could really hang in and bang with the big boys of the MMBBL. A high, drifting kick from the Spinebreaker defense helped their cause, but Klaatu Nikto wasn't able to pull it down cleanly. Instead the ghoul picked it up and held his ground while the Deadite line soundly thumped the orc line back off of midfield. Still, the Deadite offense wasn't making much headway, and the Spinebreakers met their charge at every turn, stifling the forward motion and keeping them well out of range of the end zone. Eventually, the pressure wore through, and Klaatu's pass to the wight X Morte went off course and fell free. Who should jump on it, then, but Kiro Stormaxe, who seemed to have had enough of conservative play. X Morte quickly recovered, however, and returned the favour to Stormaxe, sending the ball free yet again! Bobbled by Klaatu, the ball bounced around in the growing scrum, until finally it was somehow reeled in by zombie line-chump Goody Little Two Shoes. His elation was muffled by an onrush of angry greenskin, though, as blitzer Galthuk Battlewail stripped the ball from him and sent things back into chaos. Just as it seemed that Soran Steelfury of the Spinebreakers had got his mitts safely around the prize, the whistle for halftime blew, and both teams retreated to the locker rooms with the score one to nothing for the orcs.

Both squads appeared to be fired up when they came out for the second half, but perhaps a little too fired up. taunts began to fly between the two teams - words like "Bumstick" and "Kiro the Zero" were heard, and before too long a brawl broke out at midfield. It took some time for officials to get things sorted out, and there was some speculation that it was a ploy by the Spinebreakers to eat up the Deadites' chances of tying the game. in any case, the orcs kicked off eventually, and Varata Nikto was the first on the ball. Angry and frustrated, the Deadites put on a vicious display of offensive determination led by the snarling Wanna Little, who upended line orc Mok Rawtar awkwardly, resulting in a trip tot he infirmary for the normally stalwart greenskin. Calmly, Varata handed the ball off to the illustrious Klaatu, and the orc defense shifted their attention accordingly. Just as they were closing in, however, the Deadites reversed their strategy! Klaatu handed the ball back on the reversal, and Varata tossed to a now unattended Boomstick, who charged down the sideline en route to the goal line. Blitzer Godan Rockmaul made an attempt to stop the wily werewolf, but couldn't keep up, and the score was then tied at one.

With precious little time remaining, the Spinebreakers once again turned to the suspect bravery of Chuck Skudfungus. The Deadites, of course, saw this coming a mile away, and coordinated their defense to match. Skudfungus soared skyward from the mighty arms of Zor Loneblow, and landed adequately to boot! The dream in the little goblin's heart died, though, when the outstretched foot of Varata Nikto caught him as he tried to squeeze through to the endzone. The game was going to need overtime to find resolution! Unfortunately for the Spinebreakers, line orc Mok Rawtar, freshly returned from his brief stint in the doctor's office, would not be a part of it. Rawtar was bowled over yet again by Boomstick, and while not seriously injured, thought better of playing anymore and hit the showers early.

it would appear that old habits die hard, or in the case of the undead, not completely in any respect. The teams were once again at each others' throats before halftime could get underway, but this time the officials broke the affair up quickly thanks to the latest addition to the team, a deathroller with "2 serv n' prutek" painted crudely on the side. Never before has there been such a clear example of NOT fighting the law and the law very handily winning. The two teams were separated, the clock reset, and the game finally underway once more.

Now that the way was cleared for sanctioned, legal violence, Zor Loneblow wasted no time in squishing zombie blocker Ramming Speed underfoot. the undead being what they are, Mr. Speed was dragged back to the dugout to regenerate. Deadite retaliation was not far behind, though, as Boomstick shifted his attention to rookie line orc Ulrike Stonehide, whom he dropkicked into next week. The orcs stayed alert and moved about to cut off any offensive entry from the Deadites. Finally, with everyone in position, Soran Steelfury burst over the line and stripped the ball cleanly from a bewildered Klaatu Nikto, who appeared to be entirely concerned with getting away from his attacker. Kiro Stormaxe roared up behind his fellow blitzer and got hold of the ball, hoping to put the game away himself.

Back on the line of scrimmage, out of Stormaxe's peripheral vision, things weren't going anywhere near as well as he'd hoped. the hulking Frankenberry had laid out Orok Deathbane, crushing the black orc's hip and ending his season, while Godan Rockmaul fell under a blow from the completely uncontrollable Boomstick, marking the werewolf's third casualty of the day. Desperate and out of options by now, Kiro Stormaxe covered his eyes and lobbed the ball as far as possible into no-man's land. Wanna Little of the Deadites was closest to it, and scampered back with his tongue hanging out the side of his grinning mouth. Galthuk Battlewail made a move to stop the rushing Deadite, but was stiffarmed aside. The orcs were losing the numbers game, and Wanna Little was ditching coverage all the way back down the pitch. With little remaining to oppose him and no hop of catching up, the orcs could only watch as Wanna Little high-stepped into the endzone to give the Deadites the lead.

Only one hope remained for the Spinebreakers, and once again it was Chuck Skudfungus. The Deadites could put it away before he even got a chance for heroics, though, and put it away they did. The shallow kick was well out of range of the more mobile Spinebreakers, and never even got to Skudfungus before time ran out. The Deadites had pulled off the upset and completed the championship hangover that was the Spinebreakers' season.

MVPs of the match were Goody little Two Shoes of the Deadites, and Godan Rockmaul of the Spinebreakers for some great defensive work in the losing cause. Zor Loneblow also earns a nod for dominating the line of scrimmage and helping his fellow linemates out to boot.

Be sure to check back soon for more playoff updates!

Many Humans Died to Bring Us These Touchdowns

Apprehension was the word of the day when the Stargazin' Farmboys played host to the Bloodsand Blasters in the moist confines of Most Likely Swamp Port in the pungent town of Dago's Bog. While the human squad appeared at first to have the hometown advantage, this idea was quashed when hundreds of long-drowned and decomposing skeletons lurched out of the stagnant water and took their seats. Nevertheless, the stalwart Farmboys made their way to midfield and met their opponents, and came away winning the coin toss and choosing to receive first.

The brief meeting had given the Khemri squad the information they needed, however, and they shambled back to report to their coach that yes, they were in fact alive. With that to chew on, the Blasters' coach uttered his strategy to the team. "Make...them...dead." And with that brilliant strategy echoing through their cavernous skulls, the Blasters put their defense to work. The Farmboys offense seemed prepared as well, though new hire Flabba the Gut was experiencing a severe fit of the jitters. Starting things off quickly, human captain Duke Stywalker threw a perfect pass to receiver Willy Dee Billiams, who made a break outside to gain good field position. While Gut was still paralyzed with fear, his teammates set about turning the Khemri strategy against them, as blitzer Owen Lard came barreling up to the line and clear through Battering Ramses, one of the favourites to win the Commissioner's Medal for Exemplary Brutality this season. Ramses couldn't get himself back together without professional help, and was wheelbarrowed back to the infirmary for restorative incantations.

Looking to level the playing field again, skeleton Cal Ciferous laid a dropkick on the prone Bill Hootkins, and while the effort managed to stun the lumpy linebacker, an official caught Ciferous in the act and sent him packing. The ensuing gap in the Khemri coverage left Billiams with an opportunity to gain even more ground, and it looked like the touchdown was a sure thing. Some of the skeleton linemen seemed less concerned about him than they were about the squealing of Porky Hootkins, though, and Dusty Tombs was waiting for the lineman when he finally stood up, crashing into him from behind and doing unhealthy things to his twelfth, thirteenth and fourteenth vertebrae. Hootkins would be remembering this game for a long time to come, particularly when a cold blows through or if he ever tries to play a full round of golf.

With Billiams in the clear and his counterpart Dan Solitaire streaking to match pace, the wily catchers had almost outrun the skeletal defense. A quick handoff from the tiring Billiams to the fresher Solitaire put the point out of reach for the Blasters, but the Blasters themselves weren't especially concerned about the points. No sooner than Billiams had handed off the ball, an out-of-control Sahket Toomi came rattlin' and roarin' up behind, and he certainly didn't stop when he hit Willy Dee Billiams. Reportedly, the now-deceased catcher's last words addressed the unsatisfactory nature of his contract, but it was hard to tell, coming from the mouth of a man whose teeth had fatally migrated to his frontal lobe. Still, the sacrifice was not in vain, as Solitaire remained untouched and arrived in the end zone for the game's first point.

As time wound down after the ensuing kick from the Farmboys, bad turned to worse for the now-shorthanded human squad. Despite having no tongues, the Khemri had a taste for blood, and a very dangerous Dusty Tombs came screaming (again, metaphorically) up to the line of scrimmage to lay waste to a startlingly calm Ben-Ken Guinness. When all was said and done, naught but his armour remained, and the kickoff itself was largely ignored by both squads - the Farmboys were in mourning, the Blasters hoisting Tombs on their shoulders and parading him around - until the whistle blew to end the half.

With the kickoff coming to the Khemri once more to start the second half, and the deaths of two of the Farmboys fresh in their minds, the fans watched with bated breath to see if the human line would hold. The answer was quickly found as thrower Hork Ptah gathered up the ball, and the Farmboys defense began to collapse like a vampire's willpower at a "Miss Gothic" pageant. Ptah's pass to blitz-ra Sheik Yirbouti was dead-on, and as the mummies folded the humans off to one side, he proceeded practically untouched into the end zone to knot the score at one apiece.

No sooner than the grim prospect of a tie game had set in amongst the fans, the Farmboys were back on offense and ready to reestablish the lead. A speedy Carl Trepiaux started the drive off with a bone-crushing hit on Gus Sarcopha, carving a hole down the sideline for Dan Solitaire to break through. Thrower Duke Stywalker made no mistake on the pass, and the remaining Farmboys shored up a protective wall alongside Solitaire to guarantee a second point and renew the lead.

With one more desperate series of plays, the Blasters looked to end the match in a tie. Again the ball came to the hard-working Sheik Yirbouti, and fantastic displays of athleticism allowed his teammates to pile in alongside him as he charged down the pitch. The more mobile, agile humans played their defense well, though, and shored up the few gaps in their coverage, forcing Yirbouti into a tight squeeze that not even a man made of nothing but bone could squeeze through. The defense held smartly and time expired on the Khemri drive, with the Stargazin' Farmboys winning one in honour of their two fallen teammates.

Match MVP accolades went to Bruce Lard of the Farmboys for his presence in the defensive stand during the dying moments, and to West Nile Cyrus of the Blasters for hitting a lot of things all the time. Also of note was the frenzied play of Dusty Tombs, who gave one player a tackle to remember him by, and another a hit he wouldn't live to remember at all.

Report: Lurkers and Bilgerunners at the Citadel

This live event has been pre-recorded for your convenience.

Bryag Mudrake here live at the Citadel of Azzilizza for Deathdealer excitement! The Lurkers of Azzilizza are hosting the Blackwater Bilgerunners this week, and the fan turnout is spectacular. Over Twenty-nine thousand fans, and the skaven outnumber the dark elf locals more than two to one! That's great news for the local tourism industry, but not so good for the Lurkers morale. I don't think I've ever seen such a massive difference in team ratings. Rumor has it that well over a million gold was provided to the Lurkers to bolster their chances for this match, and provide a good show to all. The teams are coming out onto the pitch now... and YES, here he is again folks! Once more, the massive Morg 'N' Thorg has been brought in to beat on the Bilgerunners! I think I'm also seeing a couple of shadowy figures trailing inconspicuously behind them. I'm not seeing their names on the roster, so I'm not sure... hang on... I just got a note that those two are in fact the legendary Horkon Heartripper, and his not-so-legendary unnamed apprentice, who will both be playing for the Lurkers. The team will also be featuring a young journeyman trying out his fortune with this squad. We wish him luck, and hope his funeral expenses will be well paid for by the league as well. Joking! Only joking!

The coin is in the air... and the skaven win the toss! Looks like they're electing to receive. Here's the kick and WHOA! Listen to those crowds roar! The skaven cheerleaders have whipped the crowd into an absolute frenzy! I can't even hear who the matron has favored! The rats are running right down the middle of the field, over the prone body of Morg 'N' Thorg! It looks like Stumptail just picked up right where he left off last game. Fivel grabs the ball and sends a perfect pass to Piddlepaw. Dark elf coverage is pressing in, and Melanissa Rampage has knocked Twinkletoes out cold! She can't catch Piddlepaw though, who sprints into the end-zone for the game's first touchdown! The roar of the crowd is deafening here, and continues all the way through the next kick! Matron favors the rats now, and even some of the elves have started joining in with the sing-along.

The kick lands in a far corner, and the dark elves spring down-field. Determined to put their agility to good use, they're sending two squads up the relatively undefended sidelines. I think the skaven have been playing strength-based teams too long, I don't know what they're thinking with this sort of coverage. Drixit Heelgrinder now has the ball, and passes it to Horkon for the handoff. O'Rattigan is charging him down! Looks like he wasn't actually on the front line, and was in perfect position to run down the runners! The blow knocks Horkon off his feet... and O'Rattigan has the ball! What on earth is he planning on doing with that? Wait, he's still moving, running back towards Twinkletoes! I think the two must have been playing "fetch" between games, because he's just given Twinkletoes the ball! The other rats are punching through the coverage... Stumptail just stunned Morg! You don't see that every day. Also I see the medical team dragging Exrit Exitwound off the pitch, looks like Notchear got a solid shot on him. Twinkletoes is running downfield, with Stumptail in hot pursuit. But Drixit is still in reach! He runs down Twinkletoes, and scoops up the ball. He turns to a long pass towards the Inafay Icyhaired, wide open in the skaven half... but Stumptail is in the way! INTERCEPTION!!! Stumptail has the ball, and races it in for another touchdown! Boy, this game is sure full of surprises!

Maybe it's not so surprising that the rain is starting to pick up. Skaven kick again to the Lurkers, and some punching is happening on the front line! Morg 'N' Thorg just knocked Brutus out cold! The Dark Elves are playing this game a little more cautiously; once again the runners are across the pitch, but this time, they're holding off on dealing with the ball. Gurglegasp has waded once again to disturb the Lurkers with his presence, but he's shoved far enough away from the runners to keep him from distracting them. Inafay just put Notchear's lights out in a quick bout of revenge! Drixit picks up the ball, and runs it up to Inafay, not wanting to risk the pass in this pouring rain, I guess. Inafay has the ball, and rushes it in for a touchdown! Great job to the Lurkers... if they keep that up, they stand a good chance at this match.

Looks like the rain is clearing up for this next kick, and a dry ball has been brought out. There isn't an awful lot of time left, but the Bilgerunners are trying this run anyways. The Lurkers kick to the Bilgerunners, and the ball lands deep into the skaven field. The medics are back again; it looks like Squeesplat badly injured Frazz Firestarter! Fivel has the ball, and fires off a flawless long pass to Piddlepaw, who is racing down-field now! Horkon catches him just before the end-zone, and punches him... He's down! That didn't look like a hard kit, but Squeesplat is out cold just before the line as the horn ending the half is blown. I think Horkon must've been carrying... because there's an awful lot of blood and unconsciousness coming from such a glancing punch.

We'll be back after the halftime show by the Lurker cheerleaders.

We're back. Apparently Lurker cheerleaders have put some heart into the crowd. Or... multiple hearts, torn from the ribs of their victims. Such delightful customs here in the jungles. We're starting the second half now, with the Bilgerunners kicking. The Lurkers are off! Looks like they caught the defense flatfooted, because they've stormed the line even before the ball came down. Horkon's apprentice and Drixit are covering the ball, and the witch-elves and their associates are once again tearing down-field. Morg and Stumptail are battling it out again... it looks like Gurglegasp has caught Shrick'kahn off guard, and knocked him out cold! What's Dingleberry doing? He's charging towards Drixit, and he leaps over Horkon's apprentice! He picks up the ball from right between the bewildered expressions of Drixit and the apprentice, he's taken the ball in his third arm, and he's dodging away! This is a beautiful display folks, not many in this league are capable of doing what we just saw. It looks like Horkon's apprentice has some skills of his own... he's right on Dingleberry's heels, and tries to stab him! The knife doesn't penetrate, but now Drixit can get a good smash on him! Dingleberry's out like a light, and Drixit has got the ball. He hurls it to a startled Krrox near center field, but he’s obviously not ready for it. Krrox fumbles the catch, and the blitzers are on him! Jenner's now got the ball, and Twinkletoes has rushed into the end-zone. Jenner passes, and it's complete! Touchdown for the Skaven! The game is now three to one, and I'll be very tough for the Lurkers to make up this point difference.

It looks like the elves have gained the Matron's favor once again, and their coaches have devised some new strategies. It doesn’t look that much different from their old strategy... but it's hard to fault success. More of the lurkers have been assigned to run up-field and cover the ball, making it that much harder for the skaven to poach the pigskin, and giving them less targets in the midfield. That's enough to give Drixit time to grab the ball, and run down it to the waiting guards. He passes to Inafay, who runs it in for a touchdown!

The elves are kicking to the Skaven now, and it'll take some serious play to tie thi... whoa! The Lurkers just blitzed! Horkon Heartripper has thrown caution two the wind, and is stabbing madly with both hands at anyone within reach! The skaven are caged in tightly, and it'll be a struggle to get out of it! Dingleberry has the ball, and is deep in the cage right now. Wait, he just leaped over several others, and passed the ball to Twinkletoes! Twinkletoes is off like a shot! He races in for the end-zone and... HE TRIPS! He's down folks, and he seems to be curled up in pain! Medics are pulling him off-field... and I don't think he'll be coming back this game. Elves and skaven are both trying to get some hold on the ball... Zanzill tries to pick up the ball, but he fumbles it! I hear another scream... looks like Jenner just hurt Shrick'kahn badly! Dingleberry is off and running for the ball, he leaps over Zanzill, and tries to pick up the... fumble! And there's the horn... leaving Dingleberry at the endzone without the ball! Perhaps a bit anticlimactic, but that was edge-of the seat play all the way to the end! A fine display by both teams, it looks like the Dark elves will be a force to be reckoned with once they recover from the injuries inflicted upon them at the start of this season, and get a little more experience in the league.

Match MVPs go to Shrick'kahn Killer of the Lurkers of Azzilizza, and Twinkletoes of the Blackwater Bilgerunners. Also of note this game were the blocking skills of Inafay, Melanissa, and Shrick'kahn, and the strong-arm tactics of Drixit Heelgrinder. Thanks for joining us here in the Jungle! I’ll be taking a little break, as our regular league commissioner will be describing the blood-curdling Farmboy action later this week as they host the Bloodsand Blasters.

Spinebreakers End Downhill Slide In Bleakwood

Kay Offwrong reporting again, covering the recent game between the Razor Hill Spinebreakers and the newcomer elven squad from Bleakwood, the Breakers. The stadium was filled with more than 25,000 fans, over half of which were cheering on the hometown team, giving them a nice advantage.

The coin toss went the way of the elf squad, but in a bit of a surprise they elected to defer to the 2nd half. As the kick sailed into the air, dark clouds emerged and a groan went up from the stadium as rain hit the field. The orc line surged but couldn't have their way and only managed to push the Breakers defensive line back. Gan'Rul Bloodeye, the Spinebreaker thrower, was unable to pick up the ball in the rain and bobbled it. With this slight mishap, Eldril Sidewinder stared deep into the eyes of black orc Brakgul Bloodsnarl and in an instant the big orc was in a trance, allowing the Breaker defense to make their move towards the ball, charging in on the frustrated Bloodeye. Once the Elves had rushed past him, Bloodsnarl snapped out of his daze and took his frustration out on Eldril, throwing his shoulder and possibly one or two kitchen sinks into the hit. Sidewinder hit the ground clutching his ankle, and medical staff removed him from the field of play, later deciding that he should remain out for the remainder of the match.

Bloodeye managed to calm his nerves, and, hands shaking, picked up the ball to make his way into the protection of a deadly orc cage. Zor Loneblow, Spinebreaker troll, and Long Bombadil, the Breakers' inducement-paid treeman, engaged each other in a grapple that proved more potential than kinetic. The orcs slowly and methodically made their way over half. Cirdan Elensar laid a strong hit on Gan'rul Bloodeye, popping the ball loose. Soran Steelfury managed a terrific hit on wardancer Fazmir Selefar, who needed some time to rest in the infirmy until the next drive. Steelfury then scooped up the ball and made his way into the end zone for the game's first point.

The next kick from the orcs resulted in a quick rearrangement of their defense. The Kick landed nicely and Elrohir Nolatari picked up the ball. His pass to Finrod Celebrindal somehow slipped out of the catcher's hands, and the Orc line again surged, but again only managed to shove the nimble elf line. Once more, Nolatari scooped up the ball, and this time made a great pass to Celebrindal, but the whistle soon sounded to end the half.

The kickoff for the 2nd half was greeted with sunshine as the rain had decided to dissipate. Again Elrohir Nolatari was back to get the ball, but his pass was off target and sailed into the crowd. Soran Steelfury arrived, and got his hands on the ball as the crowd tossed it back onto the field. Fazmir Selefar leaped into the air, looking to land a kick on Soran, but instead landed in a heap at the orc's feet, and the Spinebreakers moved downfield. Mok Rawtar led the charge, hitting Olwe Nenharma hard enough to warrant some time to recuperate. Cirdan Elensar roared back to the play and hit Steelfury, popping the ball loose, but he was unable to hang onto it, watching it land in the grass next to Godan Rockmaul. Out of all the chaos, Steelfury managed to get his hands on the ball again, but his journey to the endzone was cut short when he tripped himself up. The final score 1-0 Spinebreakers and their loosing streak was over.

MVPs of the match were Gan'Rul Bloodeye for his calm play in the first half and Angrod Taralom who managed to hold the line against the thick green wall of the orcs.

That's all from Bleakwood, stayed tuned for more MMBBL action still to come as the regular season is in it's final leg.

Too Much Ugly in Sewer Smashup

Bryag Mudrake here once again for league night in the Deathdealer Division! It's the Blackwater Bilgerunners at the Tidy Bowl hosting the Grenedale Lesionnaires! Attendance was surprisingly light for an official league match, with a mere 20,000 fans in attendance. Perhaps the light attendance was fear amongst the skaven of a recurrence of the infamous Blackwater/Bloodsand match. Perhaps it was fear of a one-sided score-fest by the skilled skaven against the rookie rotters. Or perhaps it was simply too much ugly on the field for any casual fan to stomach. One thing is for sure; sales of Big Moot sandwiches have never been lower in the history of the MMBBL. It's a real shame there weren't more people to see this game, because this one would be an all-star demolition derby! The Lesionnaires have convinced not only Lord Borak the Despoiler to play for their team, but also the mighty Morg 'n' Thorg! The Bilgerunners, perhaps sensing the pummeling to come, hired on a mercenary lineman named Cheesethief to help fill potential holes in the line, and to kick a few players when down.

The Bilgerunners won the coin toss and elected to receive. Worried about the utter darkness in the cistern stadium (the Tidy Bowl equivalent of a sunny day) the rats elected not to field Mausketrap in the opening play. The fears proved groundless as covers were removed and torches lit during the first kick, bringing the playing environment back to tolerable levels. Casual fans might not expect the skaven to take on someone as strong as Morg’n’Thorg, but Bilgerunner fans know better! Blocking started with a mighty bang, as Stumptail knocked Morg 'n' Thorg over, and O'Rattigan pummeled both Zitgore Pusfist and Gomer Bile unconscious. Piddlepaw grabbed the ball, and handed off to Twinkletoes, who buried himself in skaven support just over the line at center field. Pestigors attempted to charge down the slippery Gutter Runner, but failed to get much traction. Twinkletoes slipped past, and rushed in for a quick touchdown, to the cheers and jeers of fans, and the retches of the weaker stomachs in the crowd.

The Skaven set up a traditional deep defense, with their strongest players flanked by their most expendable, and the most valuable in deep coverage. Coverage was not quite deep enough though, and Morg ’N’ Thorg wanted some revenge! Shifting out of the Lesionnaire front line, Morg attempted to run down Stumptail for the bruise to his honor. Fortunately for Stumptail, he refused to be knocked over by the massive ogre, and even managed to push back with a little help from his companions. The ball was picked up by Putesco Prosterno, who attempted to pass it off to one of the advancing pestigors, but wound up firing it behind the skaven line instead. Surrounded by the disturbing presence of the Nurgle Warriors, the skaven worked to shove the horrid monstrosities far enough for Piddlepaw, hiding behind O’Rattigan, to hold his nose and make a grab. Both teams started to pile on the fouls now, with the rent-a-rat Cheesethief knocking out Lord Borak with a well-placed boot to the head, and Putesco thrown out for an attempted foul on Brutus. That call was enough for Piddlepaw to dodge back into coverage, and race up center field for another touchdown!

The following kick to the Lesionnaires was high enough to let Horrendus Atrox to slip under the ball and catch it in his gooey arms. A screechy warcry from midfield drew the crowd’s attention as Stumptail, continuing his rivalry, ran up to Morg 'n' Thorg and attempted to knock him down once again! This time the massive Ogre expected the onslaught, and backhanded Stumptail, who tumbled back in a whimpering heap. He was carted off the field to spend the rest of the game nursing his injuries. That was enough of a disruption for the pestigors to get their passing game together, as Atrox shot a quick pass to Lacrimabilis "Larry" Fatum, who passed off in turn to Mort Gasper. By this time, however, the Bilgerunner defense was enough to prevent the Lesionnaires a touchdown before the end of the half, despite attempts to shove them away!

The second half saw some clever coaching by the skaven assistants give the Bilgerunners a little more organization. Once again, Atrox got the ball on the kickoff, and the Lesionnaires started the beatings. This time however, the Nurgle strength was much more effective, as the skaven were bowled over left, right, and center along the line of scrimmage. With enough defenders down, the ref failed to notice Scab Pickens boot O'Rattigan in the neck, knocking him unconscious for the remainder of the match. Borak followed up with a sickening smash to Piddlepaw, who lay disturbingly still on the pitch. Medics carted him off the field and the team apothecary managed to restart his heart, and get him back on the bench for the next drive. Now a horrible sense of familiarity was returning to long-time Bilgerunner fans... a strong 2-0 opening was giving way to a tremendous beating. Fortunately, several of those longtime fans got a chance to help this time, as three skaven and a pestigor were shoved into a cluster of season ticket-holders, who carried the Bilgerunners safely to their dugout, and knocked Fatum out cold before the refs could recover him. While they were occupied, Oblivio Demum kicked Jenner hard enough to put him out of the game. By the end of the drive, a mere three skaven remained on the field, running for cover as they were chased down by gleeful Nurgle and a grinning Morg, as Atrox trotted the ball in for a touchdown. Oh how the mighty had fallen!

With little time remaining in the first half, the Bilgerunner offense was seriously depleted. With Stumptail, Jenner and O'Rattigan all missing, the rats would have to open the front lines with a single blitzer, and field all the remaining linerats. Spurred on by the scent of blood and the fear of defeat, the crowd stormed the field on the final kick. Towards the starboard side of the field, the Bilgerunners' rat-rush and the Lesionnaire defense were virtually untouched. Towards the port-side lay devastation, as both Nurgle wide-zone defenders, Fivel Mausketrap, and the ball lay motionless. Shocked realization dawned upon the teams, then the Gutter Runners dashed across the field to take advantage of the makeshift opening, while the Lesionnaires lay on the whuppins to get Morg ‘n’ Thorg a shot at the ball. Piddlepaw dashed upfield, leaping over rotters while Dingleberry attempted to pass off the pigskin. His throw was tripped up by his trembling extra arms, and the ball was fumbled! Gurglegasp attempted to guard the ball from Morg 'n' Thorg, a brave but futile gesture as the Ogre dashed him to the ground, and picked up the ball despite the distractions from Gurglegasp's labored breathing. With moments left, it would take serious teamwork to bring down the ogre without the aid of Stumptail or O'Rattigan. Fivel, Gurglegasp and Dingleberry staggered up from where they lay, and rushed over to grab Morg from behind. Dodging away from across the field, Squeesplat sprinted to the limits of his endurance and landed a lucky blow, toppling Morg, and letting the ball fall free! The Lesionnaires moved to cover, and Morg staggered to his feet. Morg then attempted to dodge out of coverage for a last slim chance chance to tie the game but was tripped up by the heartened linerats! Shoving the remaining rotters out of the way, Fivel Mausketrap grabbed the ball, ran to the center line. He hurled an incredible long-bomb pass all the way into the Nurgle endzone where Piddlepaw, having slipped away from mid-field coverage, tippled the ball... and caught it! 3-1 against incredible odds for the Bilgerunners! The fans would have gone wild, if there any left in the stands after the post-invasion purge.

Match MVPs go to Hork Hogan and Notchear, for reasons only the fans could explain. Horrendus Atrox's new blocking abilities were also noted in this game. Thanks again for tuning into the MMBBL Coverage! I'll be back next week with lots more action from the Stargazing Farmboys in Bloodbath division! See you then!

Rumble in the Jungle; Chupacabras Battle Rampage

Kay Offwrong back again with a report for the Deathdealer Division of the MMBBL, where the playoff race is tighter than a halfling's belt at a pancake buffet. The Sun Temple Chupacabras were in town to take on the newcomer Shattered Plains Rampage.

The Rampage had hired on an additional 2 medical personnel to deal with the oncoming saurus onslaught, and had taken the past week to develop some bonus team training. The 30,482 fans in attendance were mostly in favor of the home team and it was evident through the match.

The Chupacabras kicked off first, but the first big play was from neither team. Rampage fans showed their loyalty by pelting the field with rocks, one of which managed to saurus blocker El Mucho Grande in the back of the head. He was taken off the field to recover for the next drive. The Rampage took advantage of their numbers and began positioning themselves for their advance, however hippo blockers aren't as sure footed as one might guess and Bagunda fell over one of the rocks tossed onto the field by the fans. He, too, was carted off the field to rest up for the next drive.

A veritable wrestling match ensued and both teams were jockeying for position along the line of scrimmage. Iguanadon Quixote knocked over Zubeda repeatedly, and Shenzi the rhino blitzer stunned the still pointless Tyrannosaurus Sex. Seeing a break in the line, Gecko Xtopilopicoatl attempted to get some extra mileage out of his little legs, but couldn't make it, and knocked himself out, giving the numbers advantage back to the Rampage.

With saurii barreling down on him, Hafsa calmly maintained his composure in the pocket created by his hippo blockers and tossed a dandy of a pass to Samus. Then lion berserker then made his way up-field and handed off to the lovely lioness Sarabi, who in no time was into the endzone, giving the home town team a lead of 1-0.

With the fans still in a fit of excitement, the Rampage kicked to the speedy (and nearly unstoppable) skink offense. The fans decided to lend their hand again, and yet another flurry of rocks pelted the field, this time hitting El Legarto Terrible, but only stunning the large lizard powerhouse.

With the ball in play, Sue Xtopilopicoatl snatched it up into her arms and handed off to her speedy and very smooth brother Harpo, who was across midfield in the blink of an eye. Iguanadon Quixote, back from his opening drive nap, was leveled by Nala and with that the Rampage defense had pinned the Chupacabra offense dead in its tracks. Back upfield towards the line of scrimmage, El Mucho Grande laid a doozy of a hit on Yo-Kamba, who would stay in the game, and moved forward to assist the nimble skink. With the saurii rumbling down the field, Meepo
Xtopilopicoatl attempted to break away from Shenzi and catch up, but the rhino's coverage was too much for him and he landed on the field, dazed.

Seeing his fallen skink teammate laid out on the field, El Mucho Grande went into a fit of rage and threw a devastating hit on Zubeda, who had to be taken off the field by the medical staff and patched up. After the carnage cleared, it was Samus to the rescue who threw a great hit on Mondo Xtopilopicoatl knocking the ball loose, and behind him the blitz from Shenzi sent Iguanadon Quixote into the stands.

Even amongst all the Rampage defenders, the ever-agile Pablo Xtopilopicoatl still managed to stride between bodies and under legs, and scoop up the ball. Brother Harpo was not as fortunate as Yo-Kamba sent him into the stands, where the crowd roughed up the little fellow. Ojo the line hippo also laid a terrific hit on Tyrannosaurus Sex, who was taken off the field under the power of the medical staff who had to patch him up.

With the loss of so many players and the goal line still so far away, the half ended, and both teams headed to the locker room to regroup. The Rampage had showed some terrific defense, but how much longer could they hold off one of the leagues top offenses?

The second half's kickoff was up in the air and managed to sail back over half, and the Chupacabras started off with great field position, and Pablo Xtopilopicoatl in control of the ball. His hand off to Gecko was good, and the latter skink was on his way over half behind great saurus coverage. Big Poppa Xtopilopicoatl finally made his presence felt as his laid the hammer down on Nala, knocking the lioness out for the drive.

Again the Rampage looked like they had pinned the Chupacabras in along the side line, and Samus laid a hit on Gecko popping the ball loose. Enter Tyrannosaurus Sex, who began a brilliant blocking chain that allowed Gecko to get his hands on the ball once more, and in a flash he was over the line for his second career Touchdown, making the score 1-1.

The next kickoff went as smoothly as a practice drill, and the ball landed close to Rampage thrower Hafsa. The hippo linemen began to push forward and the struggle for positioning began once more. Zubeda managed to catch a pass from Hafsa but the skinks showed some defensive prowess and managed to knock over the hefty hippo. With numbers on their side, Shenzi and Banzai cleared the way for Hafsa, knocking over several saurii. Hafsa was away down the sideline with lots of protection, and Pablo Xtopilopicoatl managed to get in his way, but the blitz from Zubeda was all the Rampage needed. Hafsa hung onto the ball and crossed the goal line just as the whistle sounded to end the game. Final score: 2-1 Rampage.

MVPs of the game were Sue Xtopilopicoatl, who learned a new trick for her next game, and Banzai the rhino blitzer who showed muscle on the line.

That's all from Shattered Plains Arena, join me next week as the Razor Hill Spine Breakers battle the Bleakwood Breakers in a Bloodbath division showdown.

Deadites Kill Farmboys in Challenge Match!

Bryag Mudrake here, following the Farmboys on the road for yet another challenge match! This team sure seems to be popular these days, arriving now at the Drudgetown Pit to answer the call of the grave! Twenty-six thousand bodies filled the stands, with less than half of them having an actual pulse. The crowd might not be described as "lively" but it was certainly animated. The real heat was happening on the pitch, where the opening coin toss gave the kick to the human team, and accusations of double-headed coins led to a screaming match on the field, and a long delay as the clock ticked down before an actual kickoff. The human team started with some surprisingly strong offensive abilities, with "Are Too" Dieter breaking off parts of Sword Boy, sending him to the infirmary to pull himself together. The strong start fell apart quickly as Stywalker fumbled the squirming ball, and the Deadites charged! Their new werewolf, Wanna Little, took the opportunity to race in and knock Stywalker sprawling, and the swift-footed ghoul Klaatu grabbed the ball, running it in for a swift touchdown!

The Deadites kicked again to the human team, this time catching the offense flat-footed with a blitz! Stywalker's handle on the ball was much more effective this time around, and sent it sailing to Willie Dee Billiams. In a shocking turn of events, Dan Solitaire managed to knock the hulking Frankenberry off his feet. Despite this, the human defenses were no match for undead muscle, and Billiams was knocked down by a rampaging Wanna Little, knocking the ball free. Players scrambled for purchase in the mess of bodies, until the ball finally landed in the hands of Denny "The Wedge" Lawson. Farmboys dodged out of coverage to clear a path for the new ball carrier, but "Porky" Hootkins tripped up and knocked himself out cold trying to get into position. Lawson soon followed, and the ball once again bounced madly amongst the players before landing beside several linemen. Varata Nikto dodged into coverage and whacked the ball to retrieve, but his clammy hands couldn't get a grip, and once again the bouncing game continued, finally landing in the paws of Boomstick! There was a squeal from the field, as Billiams put the boot to Varata, but the ref appeared to be looking at Wanna Little, who collided with Zed Malcolm, taking them both down. That cleared the way for Artie Dieter to smash Boomstick to the ground, and catch the ball as it flew from the lycanthrope's limp fingers, but Dieter was unable to reach the goal before time ran out. The Deadites decided to spend the last few moments punching people, with X Morte seriously injuring "Hobby" Oldfield. The whistle blew on the half, and the Apothecaries dragged Oldfield back for some quick work, setting him back on the field for the next drive.

The second half started with a high kick to the Deadites, which was caught handily by the ghoulish Klaatu. The human team had returned with a vengeance however, and refused to be pushed around. The pain began as Wanna Little was downed by his intended victim, and continued as the entire frontline of the Deadites' offensive line was knocked to the ground, and Farmboy linemen rushed to cover Klaatu. The wily ghoul dodged out of coverage, and snapped off a pass to Varata, Who raced up-field. "Biggy" Hagan tried to rush in to set up a block, but tripped at the end of his run, crashing at Varata's feet, unconscious! He soon was joined in the dugout by "Porky" Hootkins, who was knocked out by a crash on the line. Bizarrely, Varata stopped running, and seemed to be enjoying the carnage at midfield. This time, Billiams was charging in to get coverage on Varata, but he too tripped up within inches of the ghoul! Varata STILL hadn't moved though, instead choosing to watch Frankenberry as he inflicted a horrific gut-wound on Owen Lard, leaving him dying on the field. Apothecaries were in top shape though, and soon upgraded his condition from "F’ed-Up" to “F’ing-A", patching him up for the next drive! Whatever drugs those Apothecaries are handing out, I want some! Torch Boy continued the chaos by stomping on a prone "Hobby" Oldfield. This time though, the ref heard the ribs crack, and sent Torch Boy out for the rest of the game. "Hobby" was also patched up by the Apothecaries for the next drive. Unlike the previous medical crew helping the Farmboys out against the Carnosaurs, the local apothecaries were on top of their game! Play continued, with Varata seeming to forget that he was still supposed to run the ball in for the touchdown. He was quickly reminded as he found himself surrounded by Billiams and Solitaire. Boomstick shoved Ben-Ken Guinness into the crowd, and Wanna Little raced to the rescue, clearing the path for Varata to dodge away, and lope in for a touchdown, bringing the score to 2-0 for the Deadites.

The next drive would add further injury to grave insult. With the human team down a man, an eager Deadite fan decided that wasn't enough of a handicap. With a scream of "What do you want on your Tombstone?!" he hurled a piece of his own grave marker square at the back of Duke Stywalker's head, knocking the quarterback out cold! It was only sheer luck that the kick landed so close to the huddle of humans preparing for a textbook, if undermanned, Kessel's Run strategy. The ball bounced out of Dieter's hands as he attempted to catch, landing behind him. Ignoring the ball, Dieter and Guinness charged up-field, clearing the way for Solitaire, who nabbed the ball, and fell in behind Billiams. Boomstick ran in from the other half of the pitch and attempted to maul Billiams, but merely pushed him in front of Solitaire. Dieter shoved him clear, Solitaire handed the ball off to Billiams, and Billiams sprinted straight ahead for a rapid touchdown!

The Deadites were eager for another touchdown, but it simply was not to be. Despite a quick snap that caught the human team off-guard, the Deadites were unable to make much headway against the human frontline. Wanna Little grabbed the ball and passed it to Varata, then charged into the melee at the front line. The end of the game degenerated into a dirty brawl as both sides punched, shoved and kicked those already down, but it failed to result in any significant casualties. With the whistle the game came to an end: 2-1 for the Deadites! Match MVPs were awarded to Primitive Screwhead of the Deadites and Ben-Ken Guinness of the Farmboys, for no particular reason that comes to mind. Also worthy of recognition on the highlight reel was Torch Boy's excellent blocking abilities, and the incredible speed of Wanna Little. Congratulations to all, and I'll be back tomorrow for my regular beat covering the Blackwater Bilgerunners and another crew of corpses, the Grenedale Lesionnaires.

Farmboys Fed to Carnosaurs

Bryag Mudrake once again, with a report from the Darkmire Bog where the Darkmire Carnosaurs are hosting the Stargazin' Farmboys for a meet'n'eat. The game has attracted an impressive 32000-plus fans, with a substantial edge to the local lizardmen. Looks like even the boys at Dago's Bog are wary of coming to this mud-filled swamp of a playing field. Rumor has it that the Carnosaurs themselves are dissatisfied with their playing field, and are looking to renovate it, and getting some advice from the Farmboy handlers as to how they turned Most Likely Swamp Post from bog to arid desert. In the meanwhile though the two teams square off in the mud on this pleasant, if breezy day. The Carnosaurs win the toss, and elect to receive.

The first drive sets the tone for much of the match; as the Farmboy frontline crumples like cardstock under the mighty fists of the saurii, the skinks dash upfield. Even the usually pushy Grimjaw the Wise gets into the spirit, as "Big Sea" Trepiaux goes down with his leg bending in places it shouldn't. Apothecaries manage to set the bone, but he will still miss the next game for rehab purposes. Reedrush nabs the ball, and starts his run upfield, but teammate Swiftclaw is sent tumbling while trying to knock down one of the human catchers running interference, holding up the play. This is all the opportunity Arnie "Are Too" Dieter needs to send Reedrush sprawling, but Bruce Lard tripps up trying to get the ball! The mighty Lashtail runs down Dieter, giving Puddlejumper a chance to snatch up the ball, and run it in for the first touchdown of the game!

Now the Farmboys need to mount a strong offense, and short of the guarding abilities of Trepiaux, to boot. Stealing a play from the famed Blackwater Bilgerunners, the humans attempt a lopsided offense to drive up along the side of the field. A breeze kicks up and tosses the ball off-course, but the kick still lands in play, as the Farmboys try and shove the Saurii off to the side, and tie up enough defenders to build a trench in the wide zone. The play is almost devastated as Duke Stywalker's pass to the new catcher, Willy Dee Billiams, is dropped! The ball lands behind Billiams, and the Saurii start pounding their way to the ball, with an angry Grimjaw continuing his reign of terror by taking down yet another Blitzer, this time Bruce Lard, and breaking another limb; an arm this time! Once again, the wandering apothecaries bought on inducements seem to be doing the bare minimum required of them, and Bruce will also be missing his team's next game. Fortunately for the Farmboys, the human team has learned from the Bilgerunners' mistakes, and have enough coverage around the ball to keep the Carnosaurs from picking it up, although not enough to keep them from severely menacing whomever tries to grab it. With phenomenal courage, or perhaps liquor-fueled indifference, Dan Solitaire steps coolly into the shadow of the Saurii, and with screams of encouragement and threats of violence from Duke Stywalker, picks up the ball, dodges out of harm’s way, and dashes for the safety of his teammates. As the Darkmire crew scramble to deal with this unlikely occurrence, Pondskipper trips up trying to get into Solitaire's way, freeing him up to rush the ball to the target!

With plenty of time remaining in the first half, The humans kick into the wind towards the saurii. landing the ball directly between the wall of muscle and scales of the saurus frontline and the crafty eyes and nimble fingers of Windwhip the skink. Once again, there is terror on the line of scrimmage, as the now badly undermanned human front line begins to collapse, with Owen Lard getting knocked unconscious. Coverage on the sidelines is just barely enough to trip up the wily skink Mudrunner, giving the human team a chance - a very small chance - to grab the ball. Once again, steeling his nerves with a shot from a smuggled hip-flask, Solitaire runs for the ball, dodging past saurii and skinks, only to be tripped up at the last second and land hard on the ball! Another bad block by the saurii allows one final chance, as Chris "Zed" Malcolm runs for Windwhip and tries to bowl him over, but the crafty skink sidesteps the charging lineman, scoops up the ball with perfect precision, and dashes it up-field to a waiting Puddlejumper, who had managed to slide away during the confusion, and is in perfect position to run it in for the Carnosaurs' second touchdown. A final kick to the Farmboys allows coach Kessel to put the finishing touches on human strategy, the Saurii a chance to redesign their defenses, and Duke Stywalker time to provide Willie Dee Billiams with some catching practice before time runs down on the half.

The second half sees Owen Lard recover enough to return to the line as the saurii kick to the humans once again. A mighty cheer goes up for the Carnosaurs, as the ball bounces off Artie Dieter's head and lands directly behind him on the line of scrimmage. Once again, the "Kessel Run", strategy is employed, as humans shove saurii over to form a clear trench for their catchers. This time, Williams is already into the trench as duke grabs the ball, and makes no mistake in grabbing it. The skinks are better prepared for this strategy now, and clog up the end of the trench in a sacrificial play against the human linemen. Meanwhile, Grimjaw the Wise sinks his fists into another human, sending "Hobby" Oldfield flying with a familiar "Man being eaten by crocodile" scream and a sickening thump, condemning him to the infirmary for the rest of the game. The skinks at the end of the trench refuse to be knocked over, nimbly dodging into ever more difficult positions for the catchers to overcome. With one final blitz, Billiams shoves a skink, dodges into the clear, then charges in for the touchdown! The score is now tied at 2-2, but there's plenty of time left for the Carnosaurs to regain the lead!

The lizardmen show their hunger on this kick, as they manage a quick snap, storming after the humans! Once again, frontline Farmboys get bowled over, with "Zed" Malcolm knocked out cold. "Porky" Hootkins tried to escape the carnage to grab the ball, but was tripped up, joining Zed for a quick nap. Meanwhile the skinks are once again deep into Farmboy territories, and Reedrush delivers the ball to the waiting hands of Pondskipper. Alas, Pondskipper's hands must be muddy form the field conditions, as he fails to get a handle on the ball! Once again, Solitaire is close enough to step into heavy coverage and nab the ball, and he fires off a desperate pass to Arnie Dieter, but the throw is wild! As Duke Stywalker gets up from saurus Daggermaw's blitz, he finds the pass sailing to him, and catches it! A brief moment of realization crosses between man and lizard as they both look at the ball, then at each other. Daggermaw reacts first, smashing Stywalker to the ground, as Reedrush runs back to pick up the ball, but whatever was coating Pondskipper's hands must have been coating the ball now, as it slipped from Reedrush's claws. Seeing one more opportunity to shine, Williams dodges out of coverage and runs downfield in a desperate attempt, and Solitaire once again tries to dodge out to grab it, but the lizards aren't falling for this old trick again. Pondskipper trips up Solitaire, and both catchers are now smashed and covered by hulking saurii, while Reedrush tries once again to pick up the ball, succeeding, and running it in for a touchdown!

There isn't much time for another touchdown, so things will have to be perfect for the human team, despite being a man down. Once again Kessel's Run strategy is employed, but this time, Williams is outrunning the defense, trying to get as far upfield as possible to get the touchdown. Duke Stywalker picks up the ball from where the wind blew it, and lobs off a beautiful long pass to Billiams! But with the potential for big rewards, the risks must be braved. The pounding continues as Owen Lard is once again knocked out, this time by Daggermaw. The human coverage is now insufficient to protect Billiams from the rampaging might of the saurii, who knock him down, and free up the ball. With chances for victory quashed, Arnie Dieter attempts to run down Reedrush, but trips on lizard tails and injures himself. He'll be back for the next game. The Carnosaurs see one last chance for a coup de grace touchdown, as Windwhip grabs the ball and tries to pass off to Mudrunner. The pass sails off and lands in an empty field as the whistle blows, ending the game at 3-2 for the Carnosaurs!

Match MVP honours went to Reedrush for his usual standards of excellence, and to Willie Dee Billiams for his excellent rookie performance. Postgame recognitions also go to Grimjaw the Wise for his ability to assist on the face of adversary, while Billiams goes in to learn how to take a hit from Solitaire. That's all for us here at the Bog, where loads of peat are now being shipped in to try and reduce the mud! I'll be back with more bone-grinding Bilgerunners action as they take on the Grenedale Lesionnaires next week!

Sun Shines, Farmboys Make Hay

Evening all! Bryag Mudrake here again for another exhibition match, as the Stargazing Farmboys take on the Ibisi A-Nile-Ators at the Fields of Milk and Honey. There was tremendous turnout today, with over 36,000 screaming fans divided equally between the heavyset humans and the animalistic Amazons. The A-Nile-Ators elect to kick today, and the first kick sails out of bounds, blown into the crowds by a warm breeze on this unseasonably nice day.

The human offense pounds through the furry fury of the Amazon front line, with "Hobby" Oldfield sending Arish Cream off for a bit of a catnap. Duke Stywalker sends the ball straight at Dan Solitaire, but Solitaire bobbles it! La Mau Meow tries to punch through the blitzers to get at it, but is repelled, giving solitaire another chance to get the ball, and stagger off for the end-zone. A crash from Sand Witch and Ben-Ken Guinness distracts Solitaire long enough to get tripped up trying to get away from the Amazons, and the ball falls from his grasp into the able hands of La Nuclear Turnip. The hawk aspect sends the ball sailing upfield into the hands of the jackal-headed linewoman Zaga Zig in the Farmboys' half of the field. The Farmboys aren't about to take this, as Bruce Lard and "Zed" Malcolm try to take her down, but simply push her into deeper coverage.

What follows looks like a cross between a Pinball machine and a frat hazing, as Zaga Zig is shoved around by half the human team, before coming out, still upright and in possession of the ball, around the midfield. Once again, Zaga Zig rushes for the end of the field, as her teammates attempt to provide much-needed interference from the Farmboys. Zaga Zig takes the game's first touchdown, but at a price; La Nuclear Turnip was harmed by "Big Sea" Trepiaux and will spend the rest of the game in the infirmary.

The Amazons kick again, this time with cheering fans rooting for the Stargazin' boys, giving them a much-needed lift. The ball lands just ahead of Stywalker, who grabs the pigskin and sends it off to Solitaire, who actually manages to catch the damned thing! The human team pushed a hole right through the middle of the Amazon line, but the nimble ladies were able to quickly cage the catcher. With a little help from the linemen, Solitaire manages to slip free for a quick touchdown, tying the game!

With only a couple seconds left on the clock, the A-Nile-Ators have no time to score a point, but do manage to get some measure of revenge for La Nuclear Turnip’s injury, as Hapi Golucky puts Ben-Ken Guinness out of commission for the remainder of the game. At this point the unseasonably warm breeze becomes a freakishly hot one, as the muggy, oppressive heat descends upon the Field of Milk and Honey.

As the second half begins, both teams have players collapse in the dugout, and are able to field a mere 8 players each. The Human team now kicks to the Amazons, sending the ball deep back into their field. With a roar, they proceed to catch the A-Nile-Ators off guard, as linemen tear down the sidelines for the ball on a blitz! The A-Nile-Ators slip out of coverage to defend, and choke up the midfield, but Duke Stywalker dodges out of heavy coverage, nabs the ball, and sends it in a beautifully tight spiral to interrupt the drunken daydreams of Dan Solitaire as he stumbles up the sidelines. Groping for the ball, Dan is shoved roughly out of the way by Nevfer Timid, and the ball is scooped up by Hiss Isis, who tosses it laterally and haphazardly to Sand Witch. Unfortunately it seems the heat, or the fumes off Solitaire, managed to addle Isis' wits as well, and the ball lands near the feet of Duke Stywalker. Solitaire, looking to make up for past misdeeds, dodges into the end-zone, and runs over to Stywalker, who sends the ball into his now-waiting arms for the touchdown! The score is now 2-1 for the Farmboys!

Once again, the humans kick off to the animal aspects, but it appears the heat is not only getting to the players; the referee has apparently passed out around this point from heat exhaustion, and his absence goes unnoticed. This time, the kick lands almost perfectly in the Amazon end-zone, sending Sand Witch scrambling to make up lost yards. After a few frantic moments, Sand Witch lobs the ball off to Hiss Isis, who s quickly surrounded by her feline compatriots, who are in turn surrounded by human blitzers. Attempting to dodge out of coverage, Isis is tripped up and the ball falls free. Seeing his opening, Arnie Dieter shoves away the remaining defenders, grabs the ball, and runs around the tangle of players to reach throwing distance of Dan Solitaire, open and free in the end zone. A perfect pass meets a perfect putz, as Solitaire takes the ball to the head to many jeers from the crowd. Now it is Zaga Zig's turn to repeat the performance, shoving Solitaire out of the way, grabbing the ball, and sending a beautiful pass to her fellow linewoman Grace Quirrel.

Unfortunately, Grace comes quickly under fire, as Duke Stywalker and "The Wedge" Lawson take her down, recover the ball, and shoot off another pass to Dan Solitaire. Solitaire manages to stay on his feet long enough to actually catch the ball this time, and turns to dash for the end-zone, with little resistance. "Porky" Hootkins manages to hit Tefnutella hard enough to send her off for the remainder of the match, and Dan succeeds in evading the remaining Amazons to reach the end-zone, putting the score at a comfortable 3-1 for the Farmboys. The match ends with some brilliant, unheeded coaching, and a bit of a wrestling match until the clock ticked down.

Match MVPs went to Hapi Golucky for her vengeful actions, and Duke Stywalker for his brilliant bit of footwork despite a lousy partner; activities that have seen him promoted to a leadership position on the field. Also of note this match were the impressive blocking abilities of Sand Witch, Zaga Zig, and surprisingly Dan Solitaire, who is apparently being sent in for some therapy and rehab.

Rumble in Razor Hill

Kay Offwrong Reporting for MMBBL sports, on another beautiful day in Razor Hill as the Deadites are in town to clash with the Reigning Spike Tournament Champions. With a whopping 27,094 in attendance with the slight edge for the home team, the two teams took to the field. The weather was perfect for the game and the coin toss was won by the visitors, who elected to kick rather than receive. In a bit of a shocking surprise, Count Luther Von Drakenborg was wearing an official Deadites jersey and took the field to play with the boys from D-Town.

On the Kick off, the orc line took NO time getting things started pushing the Undead line back on their heels. The best hit saw Kolark Bonefist level Torch Boy, and with that Steelfury snatched up the ball and fell in behind a protective wall of orcs. Boomstick the ever Vicious Werewolf made his move and knocked over Orok Deathbane with a powerful hit. Drakenborg decided to get in on the action himself and laid another great hit on Brakgul Bloodsnarl. Line zombie Ramming Speed also tried to get in on the glory, throwing himself into Godan Rockmaul, but the orc just brushed him aside.Torch Boy managed to get to his feet from the jarring hit laid on him by Bonefist just in time to have the black orc send him into the dirt again. At home in the dirt, Torch Boy this time stayed down a little longer. Godan Rockmaul then decided to test his strength against the newest Deadite team member and sent Drakenborg into the pitch to join Torch Boy.

The rest of the orc squad couldn't muster much at the line of scrimmage aside form pushing and grappling, and the Deadites were too busy trying to keep themselves upright to make any surge of their own. But with the line occupied, Steelfury managed to make his way over midfield. Torch Boy and Drakenborg, seeing Steelfury cross into Deadite territory, teamed up together to get a good play on the greenskinned ball carrier. Drakenborg used his starry gaze, lulling Rockmaul into a stupor, thus allowing Torch boy to make a text book blitz on Steelfury. The orc took the hit in stride however and managed to not only stay on his feet, but hang onto the ball as well. Soran Steelfury, enraged at the attempt to knock him over, took his revenge out on wight Henry the Red, whose back was turned to the play while engaged in a grapple with Kiro Stormaxe. With a gut wrenching crunch Henry hit the ground, and Steelfury merely winked at the fallen Deadite as he rumbled down the sideline towards the goal line.

In a last ditch effort to free up some tacklers, Klaatu Nikto attempted to break away from the Spinebreakers big man. However, the rumbly troll Zor Loneblow spotted the crafty ghoul and managed to get his foot in the way to trip him up. More pushing ensued at the line and Steelfury seemed Home free, until Drakenborg earned his paycheck, laying a hit that sent Steelfury flat on his face! The rest of Steelfury's protection caught up to him, and managed to help him out just enough for him to exact some revenge. Struggling to his feet, he punched Varata Nikto in the side of the head, snatched up the ball and dove across the line for the first score of the game!

The following kick off landed deep, in the Deadite endzone, and the two wily ghouls headed back to retrieve the ball. Boomstick laid a solid hit on Rok Straglash as Klaatu Nikto rushed in line behind his brother Varata and Henry the Red. Ramming Speed tried his luck on Borgosh Hellrage, but the black orc tossed him to the ground with one hand and rushed towards the advancing ghouls.The orc line then laid some well placed hits and managed to leave the undead line both dazed and confused. Not a tall task when working with zombies but an accomplishment none the less.

Drakenborg knew that this time he'd have to reassemble the disarrayed zombie line, and made no mistake, shunting the shambling minions into place. With this newly reformed offensive line rushing ahead, Boomstick, riding the crest of this wave of destruction, took out his frustration at Steelfury's earlier display of scoring prowess and sent the blitzer crashing awkwardly into the ground. The hometown fans knew it looked bad and a collective sigh of relief went up when the
news arrived that he had suffered no long-term damage.

The ghouls seemed unstoppable and with time winding down Boomstick tried his luck again, this time lining up Kiro Stormaxe for an attack, but the orc was too much for him and put the wolf on his backside. With that Stormaxe was able to lay a clean hit on Klaatu Nikto, knocking the ball loose. Kiro then picked up the ball and tossed it to a wide open Mok Rawtar. The line orc must have been pre-occupied with the thoughts of touchdown glory, because he dropped the pass, and with that the whistle for halftime blew.

After the break, both teams emerged from the locker rooms and took to the pitch. The kick from the orc squad never looked good and sailed straight out of bounds. The referee decided to fetch the ball from the stands and after a lengthy wait the teams decided to use a replacement until he returned. Again, ghoul runner Klaatu grasped the ball and, as if possessed (which seems probable), he began to glide up the sideline. The struggle on the line picked up right where it left off, but this time things were much more violent. Godan Rockmaul managed a hit on Torch Boy that would sideline him for the rest of the game, and Boomstick shoved Rok Straglash out of bounds, the fans showing the appreciation by knocking out the poor line orc. With this new momentum, the lowly Sword Boy decided to test his might against Borgosh Hellrage. With all his heart and soul - perhaps maybe not the best choice of words...with all his something, anyway - he smacked the massive orc-shaped wall of bricks, sending Hellrage crashing in a heap, in an orc-shaped crater at midfield. Hellrage was in stable condition, but will be out of the lineup for the Spinebreakers next match.

In a last stand defensive effort, Galthuk Battlewail got close enough to Klaatu to strip the ball out of the ghouls hands, and it bounced free on the ground. As Battlewail attempted to pick it up, Boomstick caught him with his head down and sent him to the infirmary, where the Orc would spend the rest of the match. After realizing what had happened, Klaatu continued downfield, scooping up the prize and crossing the line to tie the game.

The Spinebreakers had too many teammates recovering to make a decent offensive drive. So the decided to field goblin Chuck Skudfungus, who's as indecent as they get. On a brilliant kick by the Deadites, Orc Thrower Go'dan Rockmaul fielded the ball and handed off to the tiny boblin, who all but fainted. The young Skudfungus closed his eyes as the talons of Zor Loneblow closed around him, and he soon felt himself soaring through the air! A moment later he opened his eyes to find himself not only alive, but near the endzone to boot! And as quickly as he had been launched into the air, he crossed the goal line giving his team the lead again.

Frustrated, the undead were determined to get their next touchdown quickly. With a decent kick the undead executed excellent placement of their offense on a brilliant quick snap. The ball was snatched up by none other than Klaatu Nikto, who made his way downfield and handed off to wight X Morte Who crossed through the sparse orc defence. The zombie line had no trouble taking care of the few orc defenders, and with a handoff to Boomstick,the speedy werewolf was in
the endzone, and the score was again tied.

Skudfungus' knees were clattering together like like a skeleton in a blizzard, as he took to the field for a second consecutive drive. As he sailed through the air this time, his trip seemed a lot shorter, and as he again opened his eyes he could barely even see the endzone, let alone reach it before certain death. The goblin managed to scramble into some degree of coverage, but the smell of fear was enough for Boomstick to track him down.The ball popped loose and was bobbled around as time ticked away; Skudfungus got to his feet and managed to kick the already downed Henry the Red just as the referee returned from the stands to hear poor Henry's ribs crack. The tiny green hero was tossed from the game and the final whistle blew. The final score was a 2-2 draw, in a dazzling display of necromayhem and goblin gutsiness.

MVPs for the game were Klaatu of the Deadites for obvious reasons, and Mok Rawtar for reasons unknown. Special mention to Skudfungus for managing to not only be productive, but to survive as well.

Rampage Roll Over Lurkers

The dark, humid jungles of Ghetitophmi were the venue for some more MMBBL action this past Thursday, when the Lurkers of Azzilizza hosted the Shattered Plains Rampage at the Citadel of Azzilizza. The dark elves were intent on impressing their revered matron in this first league match, while the Rampage were extremely surly from the uncomfortable cross-continental teleportation process. Much to the Lurkers' dismay, thousands of traveling Lurkers fans had swarmed to their home arena, leading to bizarre cases of the home team actually being booed when the got their hands on the ball. The Rampage won the coin toss, and chose to receive first.

Taking advantage of the moderate case of "Port Lag" that was affecting their beastmen opponents, the Lurkers blitzed on the opening play, with witch elf Inafay Yifana'Ii nearly making it to where the ball eventually touched down. Finally, the Rampage started moving, and to great effect, as the front line of hippos and rhinos plowed steadily forward. Charging madly, leonine berserker Yo-Kamba launched himself at Inafay Yifana'Ii, shoving the witch elf out of play. Fortunately, the elf was caught in the arms of several Lurkers fans, and was carried back to her dugout safely. With extra space to move, hyena thrower Hafsa spotted the nimble Sarabi running up the middle of the pitch, and tossed her a bullet patch which she caught expertly.

The elves began a regroup, but the hustle and bustle of Rampage muscle met them at every turn. While Yo-Kamba set about knocking out anything in a Lurkers uniform, Sarabi made a quick cut back to the outside, leaving a handful of elves in her dust. Line elf Frazz Zufra tried to catch her, but collapsed after taking an awkward step, landing sorely on his head. Zufra was dragged off the field quickly and discreetly, but the parade of pain wasn't about to stop yet. Breaking for the goal line, Sarabi crashed into blitzer Jarlox Oxilljar, catching him square in the neck with the ball's four-inch steel spikes. The force of the impact carried Sarabi and the instantly-dead Oxilljar over the line, and the score was 1-0 for the Rampage.

Bruised but not broken, the Lurkers took to the field once more for their first drive. The roar of the crowd was deafening, particularly when Matron Azzilizza herself stood and showed her favour to the dark elf squad. Inspired, runner Drixit Itixdur fielded the ball and passed it expertly to his counterpart Wistixle Keslestwis. The elf team as a whole then shifted to one side of the field to afford some protection to their runner, and all looked good until Keslestwis fell while trying to get away from a hippo blocker. The ball squirted free awkwardly as he tumbled to the ground. Medical staff took a look at him, and following a brief examination, declared Wistixle Keslestwis dead from heart failure. Enraged, Matron Azzilizza ordered her witch doctors to revive the runner and kill him again, much more slowly, as punishment for not being forthcoming about his precarious medical condition prior to joining the team.

As the confusion abated, the first set of hands to find the ball was that of hippo lineman newcomer Zubeda. With nothing standing in his way thanks to the Rampages' two rhinoceros powerhouses, Zubeda hustled his way into the end zone to make it a two to nothing lead for the Shattered Plains club. The half ended a few moments later, as the next kickoff was more of a formality than anything, and time expired before the Lurkers could mount another attempt.

As the second half started, the dark elves, now reeling from not one but two teammate deaths, took the field against a Rampage squad that was fully awake and had a taste for blood. Fielding the high kick was Drixit Itixdur, as the Rampage players surrounded the nimble elves cautiously. Depleted thought they may be, they were still faster and quicker. With the coverage in place, Yo-Kamba the lion made his blitz against the ball-carrier, but the quick-thinking dark elf dumped the pass off to lineman Shrick'kahn Annikshri and the Lurkers' plans were still in effect. It seemed not meant to be, however, as almost immediately thereafter, Annikshri was leveled by a journeyman hippo who'd been hired on to fill a gap in the line. The ball fell free and was picked up by Zubeda, who had scored once earlier. Wanting, it seemed, to get every species in on the action, Zubeda attempted a handoff to rhino Shenzi, but the play was botched and the ball was recovered by witch elf Melanissa Sanilameh, who hurled it as far as possible back in the other direction, with no apparent target but somewhere away from Rampage players.

Watching the backfield was Hafsa the hyena, and he was quick to make a move for the ball, now resting halfway between the Rampage end zone and the line of scrimmage. Those elves who could move into range ran headlong towards Hafsa as he picked it up, hoping to screen any passing attempt and perhaps pull down an interception. Undeterred, Hafsa hurled the ball in a tight spiral to Ojo the line hippo, who made the catch at midfield and charged forward to hand off to Shenzi for a second attempt. This time the handoff was good, and the big rhino rumbled on down to the end zone to put the game fully out of reach at 3-0.

Receiving the final kick of the game, Drixit Itixdur made no mistake on his pass to blitzer Zanzill Illzizan. With no play left that would yield points with such little time left, the Lurkers were content to hang back and lick their wounds...but the Rampage would have none of it. Putting a final stamp on the game, Banzai the rhino charged into line elf Krrox Roxrrk, dealing significant damage and rendering the poor elf useless for the forseeable future. not a very promising start for the hard-luck Lurkers of Azzilizza, but the MMBBL's other elf team showed that given enough time, there's no telling how big a contender can be made out of any squad.

Match MVP awards were presented to the Lurkers' Zanzill Illzizan, and to Rampage berserker Yo-Kamba. Also worthy of note was the blocking power of Banzai the rhino.

And that brings us to the end of the first week of play in Deathdealer Division! Stay tuned though, because we've got a few challenge matches to report on, and Bloodbath's next week gets underway tomorrow!

Strange Misfortunes Haunt Lesionnaires/Chupacabras Game

The newly renovated (but never fumigated) Linitis Plastica Centre was home to Tuesday night's visit from the Sun Temple Chupacabras. They met their hosts, the Grenedale Lesionnaires, for their first league match of the 2009 Dungeonbowl season. With such a highly rated opponent, the Lesionnaires were offered plenty of inducements, including the services of the dynamic ogre-goblin duo of Brick Fa'rth and Grotty. Could they tip the scales in favour of the Nurgle team, or will the combined might of six saurus and a kroxigor spell a scaly end to the undead hopes?

Winning the coin toss, the Chupacabras chose to receive first. A terrible kick from the Nurgles resulted in a near-catch by saurus Tyrannosaurus Sex, but saurus agility being what it is, he bobbled it. The lizardmen began with Pablo Xtopilopicoatl picking up the ball and heading up the sideline. His handoff attempt to fellow skink Meepo was botched, however, and the ball tumbled into a mess of Chupacabras players. Bizarrely enough, Lesionnaires pestigor Oblivio Demum calmly moved in and retrieved it from where it lay, while the tangled lizardmen could only look on in disbelief.

With the ball in the hands of Demum, the Nurgle line began a push forward, led by infector Hurlbarf Pukescream. The lumbering plague man crashed headlong into saurus blocker Blue Demon, hitting with enough force to send the lizardman off under considerable duress - later on it was revealed that he would miss his next game due to a deep bone bruise. With a good-sized gap in the Chupacabras line, Oblivio Demum and hippo rotter Zazuk were able to cut through and begin a march to the end zone. A desperate hit by Pablo Xtopilopicoatl managed to send the ball bouncing from Demum's grasp, but to the woe of the lizardmen, it bounded right into Zazuk's waiting arms! Onward, Zazuk shambled, halted just before the goal line by Pablo, a surprising deke at the last moment fooled the skink, and Zazuk lurched over the line to count the first point in Lesionnaires history, as well as gaining the lead for his team.

The next kickoff by the Lesionnaires was another abysmal attempt. The kick was shallow to the point of barely getting over the line at all, and after ricocheting off the head of Big Poppa Xtopilopicoatl, bounced back over the line anyway. The drive thus started with the ball in the hands of skink Mondo Xtopilopicoatl, who began to tear up the sideline immediately. Before too long, however, a logjam of pestigors rallied to meat him, and progress was halted as the Chupacabras brought more forces to bear and help push little Mondo through. The Nurgle responded by calling in more muscle on their side, and things stayed at a standstill until a charging Putesco Prosterno forcefully took down Tyrannosaurus Sex, putting the saurus out of commission for the rest of the match. Somehow, the skinks managed to get away from the danger zone and put together the beginnings of a passing play. The presences of both Hurlbarf Pukescream and Zitgore Pusfist put an end to that, as Mondo was distracted to the point of throwing up in his mouth just a little. The pass was wide and fell incomplete, and the Nurgle defense began to close in. The lizardmen did manage to retrieve the ball, but the tying point was lost when Meepo Xtopilopicoatl's pass to a streaking brother Pablo was unsuccessful. With that, the whistle for halftime sounded and the teams hustled into their locker rooms to talk strategy.

To start the second half, the Lesionnaires put up a strong presence on the line of scrimmage, relying on the nimble Grotty to handle the business of fielding the kick. What followed was the beginning of a convincing case against the hiring of star players, as Grotty - agile, nimble Grotty - failed to pick up the football. Nerves? greasy palms? who knows? The Nurgle offense controlled the line, however, and eventually Grotty was able to get ahold of the ball and bring it up to the rest of the team. The bizarre plays kept coming as Big Poppa Xtopilopicoatl, far more lizard than anyone can handle, threw a blitz against the diminutive Grotty...and fell down himself!? Seizing the opportunity like a ten dollar bill inside an amusement park wind booth, the Lesionnaires surrounded the downed kroxigor, with rotter Mort Gasper showing up last in order to kick the fallen giant int he throat. The foul was caught by the refs, but the damage was done. Gasper was tossed for the foul, but Big Poppa was hauled off on a barn door tied to a team of oxen.

Things looked very, very good for the Nurgle, but the game began to unravel for them. Grotty's handoff to the singularly disgusting Zitgore Pusfist was botched, and before you could say "leaping lizards", Pablo Xtopilopicoatl had the ball in his clutches. After fending off the attention of the powerful but slow Pusfist, Pablo cruised down the sideline, away from every Lesionnaire save Oblivio Demum, who had just enough leg to get within grabbing distance. It was clear that Pablo would win that footrace, though, and Brick Fa'rth tried to solve the dilemma by pitching Grotty downfield to land on the skink! His aim was close, and in another reality it might have worked as planned, but instead Grotty landed on Oblivio Demum, thereby taking out his own help. Grotty threw the block on Pablo anyway, but the skink rolled with the punches and sidled further towards the end zone. A few moments later, he was over the line and the match was tied!

With the ball once again being kicked to the Lesionnaires, the Chupacabras decided to play for the tie instead of risking the loss. With their three remaining saurus on the line, six skinks lined up on the goal line, banking on a hard go for whoever felt they could cross the line safely. Bizarrely enough, the lizardmen called for the blitz...and stood absolutely still. Was it some sort of confusion tactic? The nervous Grotty, in any case, was quite confused. His nerves seemed to be acting up again, and his first attempt to rein in that ball failed miserably. So too did his second. Meanwhile, Grotty failed to notice that saurus Reptar the Reprehensible had broken through the Nurgle line and was bearing down on the goblin star. Once more, Grotty failed to accomplish anything and the Lesionnaires were out of time. To make matters worse, Reptar showed up, and as Grotty looked up cautiously to see what was causing the ominous shadow, he was brushed aside like a combover on a windy day. With his last great effort, Reptar pushed his body to the limits to grab the ball from where it lay in the end zone...and couldn't pick it up. The whistle blew and the crowd of 28,000-plus was left gawking in a mix of disappointment and sympathetic embarrassment. The final score was the Lesionnaires one, the Chupacabras one, and Dumb Luck at least seven or eight.

MVPs of this match, if you can call them that, were El Legarto Terrible of the Chupacabras, and rotter/lion Rama of the Lesionnaires. Grotty was run out of town by an angry mob, which was also run out of town by the pursuing Brick Fa'rth.