Rumble in Razor Hill

Kay Offwrong Reporting for MMBBL sports, on another beautiful day in Razor Hill as the Deadites are in town to clash with the Reigning Spike Tournament Champions. With a whopping 27,094 in attendance with the slight edge for the home team, the two teams took to the field. The weather was perfect for the game and the coin toss was won by the visitors, who elected to kick rather than receive. In a bit of a shocking surprise, Count Luther Von Drakenborg was wearing an official Deadites jersey and took the field to play with the boys from D-Town.

On the Kick off, the orc line took NO time getting things started pushing the Undead line back on their heels. The best hit saw Kolark Bonefist level Torch Boy, and with that Steelfury snatched up the ball and fell in behind a protective wall of orcs. Boomstick the ever Vicious Werewolf made his move and knocked over Orok Deathbane with a powerful hit. Drakenborg decided to get in on the action himself and laid another great hit on Brakgul Bloodsnarl. Line zombie Ramming Speed also tried to get in on the glory, throwing himself into Godan Rockmaul, but the orc just brushed him aside.Torch Boy managed to get to his feet from the jarring hit laid on him by Bonefist just in time to have the black orc send him into the dirt again. At home in the dirt, Torch Boy this time stayed down a little longer. Godan Rockmaul then decided to test his strength against the newest Deadite team member and sent Drakenborg into the pitch to join Torch Boy.

The rest of the orc squad couldn't muster much at the line of scrimmage aside form pushing and grappling, and the Deadites were too busy trying to keep themselves upright to make any surge of their own. But with the line occupied, Steelfury managed to make his way over midfield. Torch Boy and Drakenborg, seeing Steelfury cross into Deadite territory, teamed up together to get a good play on the greenskinned ball carrier. Drakenborg used his starry gaze, lulling Rockmaul into a stupor, thus allowing Torch boy to make a text book blitz on Steelfury. The orc took the hit in stride however and managed to not only stay on his feet, but hang onto the ball as well. Soran Steelfury, enraged at the attempt to knock him over, took his revenge out on wight Henry the Red, whose back was turned to the play while engaged in a grapple with Kiro Stormaxe. With a gut wrenching crunch Henry hit the ground, and Steelfury merely winked at the fallen Deadite as he rumbled down the sideline towards the goal line.

In a last ditch effort to free up some tacklers, Klaatu Nikto attempted to break away from the Spinebreakers big man. However, the rumbly troll Zor Loneblow spotted the crafty ghoul and managed to get his foot in the way to trip him up. More pushing ensued at the line and Steelfury seemed Home free, until Drakenborg earned his paycheck, laying a hit that sent Steelfury flat on his face! The rest of Steelfury's protection caught up to him, and managed to help him out just enough for him to exact some revenge. Struggling to his feet, he punched Varata Nikto in the side of the head, snatched up the ball and dove across the line for the first score of the game!

The following kick off landed deep, in the Deadite endzone, and the two wily ghouls headed back to retrieve the ball. Boomstick laid a solid hit on Rok Straglash as Klaatu Nikto rushed in line behind his brother Varata and Henry the Red. Ramming Speed tried his luck on Borgosh Hellrage, but the black orc tossed him to the ground with one hand and rushed towards the advancing ghouls.The orc line then laid some well placed hits and managed to leave the undead line both dazed and confused. Not a tall task when working with zombies but an accomplishment none the less.

Drakenborg knew that this time he'd have to reassemble the disarrayed zombie line, and made no mistake, shunting the shambling minions into place. With this newly reformed offensive line rushing ahead, Boomstick, riding the crest of this wave of destruction, took out his frustration at Steelfury's earlier display of scoring prowess and sent the blitzer crashing awkwardly into the ground. The hometown fans knew it looked bad and a collective sigh of relief went up when the
news arrived that he had suffered no long-term damage.

The ghouls seemed unstoppable and with time winding down Boomstick tried his luck again, this time lining up Kiro Stormaxe for an attack, but the orc was too much for him and put the wolf on his backside. With that Stormaxe was able to lay a clean hit on Klaatu Nikto, knocking the ball loose. Kiro then picked up the ball and tossed it to a wide open Mok Rawtar. The line orc must have been pre-occupied with the thoughts of touchdown glory, because he dropped the pass, and with that the whistle for halftime blew.

After the break, both teams emerged from the locker rooms and took to the pitch. The kick from the orc squad never looked good and sailed straight out of bounds. The referee decided to fetch the ball from the stands and after a lengthy wait the teams decided to use a replacement until he returned. Again, ghoul runner Klaatu grasped the ball and, as if possessed (which seems probable), he began to glide up the sideline. The struggle on the line picked up right where it left off, but this time things were much more violent. Godan Rockmaul managed a hit on Torch Boy that would sideline him for the rest of the game, and Boomstick shoved Rok Straglash out of bounds, the fans showing the appreciation by knocking out the poor line orc. With this new momentum, the lowly Sword Boy decided to test his might against Borgosh Hellrage. With all his heart and soul - perhaps maybe not the best choice of words...with all his something, anyway - he smacked the massive orc-shaped wall of bricks, sending Hellrage crashing in a heap, in an orc-shaped crater at midfield. Hellrage was in stable condition, but will be out of the lineup for the Spinebreakers next match.

In a last stand defensive effort, Galthuk Battlewail got close enough to Klaatu to strip the ball out of the ghouls hands, and it bounced free on the ground. As Battlewail attempted to pick it up, Boomstick caught him with his head down and sent him to the infirmary, where the Orc would spend the rest of the match. After realizing what had happened, Klaatu continued downfield, scooping up the prize and crossing the line to tie the game.

The Spinebreakers had too many teammates recovering to make a decent offensive drive. So the decided to field goblin Chuck Skudfungus, who's as indecent as they get. On a brilliant kick by the Deadites, Orc Thrower Go'dan Rockmaul fielded the ball and handed off to the tiny boblin, who all but fainted. The young Skudfungus closed his eyes as the talons of Zor Loneblow closed around him, and he soon felt himself soaring through the air! A moment later he opened his eyes to find himself not only alive, but near the endzone to boot! And as quickly as he had been launched into the air, he crossed the goal line giving his team the lead again.

Frustrated, the undead were determined to get their next touchdown quickly. With a decent kick the undead executed excellent placement of their offense on a brilliant quick snap. The ball was snatched up by none other than Klaatu Nikto, who made his way downfield and handed off to wight X Morte Who crossed through the sparse orc defence. The zombie line had no trouble taking care of the few orc defenders, and with a handoff to Boomstick,the speedy werewolf was in
the endzone, and the score was again tied.

Skudfungus' knees were clattering together like like a skeleton in a blizzard, as he took to the field for a second consecutive drive. As he sailed through the air this time, his trip seemed a lot shorter, and as he again opened his eyes he could barely even see the endzone, let alone reach it before certain death. The goblin managed to scramble into some degree of coverage, but the smell of fear was enough for Boomstick to track him down.The ball popped loose and was bobbled around as time ticked away; Skudfungus got to his feet and managed to kick the already downed Henry the Red just as the referee returned from the stands to hear poor Henry's ribs crack. The tiny green hero was tossed from the game and the final whistle blew. The final score was a 2-2 draw, in a dazzling display of necromayhem and goblin gutsiness.

MVPs for the game were Klaatu of the Deadites for obvious reasons, and Mok Rawtar for reasons unknown. Special mention to Skudfungus for managing to not only be productive, but to survive as well.

Deadites Outgun A-Nile-Ators in Battle of Expansion Squads

The Drudgetown Deadites saw their strong pre-season play echo in their first regular season match, as they took a 2-1 victory over the Ibisi A-Nile-Ators at Ibisi Arena this past Tuesday.

With the crowd actually favouring the visitors, the matchup was a rainy affair that put the skills of both of these newcomer teams to the test. The first test, however, would be one of strength instead of skill. To start things off, Boomstick the werewolf landed a crushing blow on 'Ators catcher Sun Bern, putting the unfortunate bird-woman out of the match. To follow it up, the zombie known as "Goodie Little Two Shoes" began what may be a career of violent irony, as he savagely kicked at a downed Ibisi linewoman. The officials easily picked up the fouling attempt and Two Shoes was tossed from the match, chased down the entry ramp by the boos of the hometown crowd.

When play resumed, it was the dangerous ghoul runner Klaatu Nikto who pounced on the loose ball, and was soon off and running for the goal line. He'd nearly gotten home free when Tefnutella, cat aspect blitzer, caught up with him and brought Nikto down with a clothesline punch to the back of the head. A great struggle followed as jackals, wights, and even zombies caught up to the scene and began to pound away at their opponents to retrieve the ball. At last, Klaatu Nikto righted himself and grabbed hold of the precious pigskin, at last plowing his way past the remaining A-Nile-Ators defense and putting the first point on the board for the Deadites.

Favourable conditions during the next kickoff would soon settle the score. Upon receiving the ball, the Ibisi squad set about a textbook offensive drive. As blitzers La Mau Meow and Tefnutella burst up the middle of the field through a gap made by the jackals, Sand Witch advanced, scooped up the ball and passed it downfield, reading their routes perfectly. La Mau Meow pulled the ball out of the air smoothly, and before any undead could get close enough, she crossed the goal line and had tied the score! Mere seconds remained in the half, and they ticked away harmlessly before the Deadites could retaliate.

After halftime, things started to get ugly. The rain continued to fall, and the pitch was a mess. The cat-aspect blitzers of the A-Nile-Ators squad hissed with displeasure at the perpetual bath, while the runny, crumbling physiques of the Deadites' zombie linemen were, well, somewhat runnier and crumblier. As the kickoff was launched, both teams seemed content to ignore the point-scoring part of the game and simply lay into each other with stubborn resolve. Perhaps this was all part of the Deadites' plan, because as soon as the various aspects of the Ibisi A-Nile-Ators had been tied up by zombies and wights, werewolf Boomstick made a break for the football and latched onto it like a fat orc child onto a bag of candied halfling noses. Those werewolves sure can move, folks! Boomstick was virtually unstoppable from that point on, and the Deadites had restored their lead with little time remaining.

Try as they might as the final minutes of the second half played out, the A-Nile-Ators couldn't quite bring it back to get the tie. The despicable Deadites shambled into Ibisi Arena and spoiled the inaugural home game for the A-Nile-Ators! We'll see if these two teams' fortunes stay their respective courses, or change like the wind blowing in from the southern deserts.

MVPs for this match were the Deadites' Goody Little Two Shoes for criminal amounts of enthusiasm, and Sand Witch of the 'Aters who played well despite her previously injured ankle. Also of note were Boomstick of the Deadites for his strong blocking technique, and Hapi Golucky of the A-Nile-Aters for similar reasons.

That's the run of the Bloodbath matches in Week 1, folks! Next up, time to see what happens over in Deathdealer Division!

Mummy Bags Two Berserkers Early; Blasters Win on the Road

The third match from Tuesday's Bloodbath Division action saw the Bloodsand Blasters travel from their searing desert home to visit chilly Mjaddersen Skvar Garden to play the host Fjord Rangers. Needless to say, the turnout for the Norse squad was nearly double that of the undead, as historically, the two cultures have very little love for one another. The Blasters were the most experienced squad, and to account for the difference, the Rangers spent a lot of extra time on the practice field beforehand. Optimism abounded among the chilly fans of the Fjord.

That optimism was short-lived, however. As soon as the game was underway, with the Blasters receiving first, mummy Durdurhotep went on an absolute rampage. Making two consecutive blocks up on the line, he managed to injure both of the Rangers' berserkers one after the other! Dag Thoresen was soundly battered to the point of being unable to play out the rest of the game, while Olov Rudberg took some nasty damage to his ribs and is expected to miss the Rangers' next match as well. This near-instantaneous shift in numbers brought about some inspired play from the Blasters' usually suspect offense, with Hork Ptah hurling a pass to Sahket Toomi, who fell in behind a trio of skeletal helpers and shambled his way into the end zone for the opening score.

Down but not out, the Rangers put their own offense to work right away. A strong downfield pass from thrower Niklas Jannson was on-target, but slipped through the hands of runner Gjermund Forssell. It seemed like the Blasters might take advantage of the miscue, but instead they made an error of their own. Blitzer Sheik Yirbouti attempted a block against lineman Valter Franzen, but Franzen simply twisted the skeleton's bony hands until they popped off of his forearms, leaving Yirbouti useless for the rest of the game and almost certainly for another match, given how much time it will take for a specialist to get a look at this ugly case of Vorpal Tunnel Syndrome.

The Rangers weren't able to immediately cash in on this mistake as Jannson couldn't get a decent grip on the ball. Hork Ptah attempted to gain control of it, and succeeded, only to blow the pass to Dusty Tombs. needing to clear some space, ulfwerener Sigvard Hoglund laid out Cal Ciferous and howled to declare that he was open. Seeing the opportunity and managing to focus on the ball over the constant din of rattling bones, Niklas Jannson scrambled for the ball, popped his head and arm out of the pile and lobbed a pass to Hoglund, who charged his way home for the touchdown. Tie game!

Shortly before halftime, the two teams seemed to finally crack under the weight of their mutual dislike. Fouls began to erupt from both sides of the field, though Hork Ptah did manage a quick pass to Cal Ciferous before the whistle blew to end the first period of play.

The bad blood persisted after the break, and all pretense of a good, clean game was dropped as Niklas Jannson fumbled the ball on his first pass attempt. Eventually he got it back and tried another throw, but this time was inaccurate and missed his target by a country mile. Khemri mummy Battering Ramses took no notice, though, as he was too busy kicking and stomping on the Norse linemen. He managed to knock out both Valter Franzen and Jonas Mednick before the referee, approaching cautiously with a bucket of holy water, tossed him out. the damage to the Rangers' line, however, was already done, and the Blasters once again took advantage of the manpower advantage. A pass from Hork Ptah, his third of the game, connected with Cairo Practor, and the skilled skeleton scampered downfield to score.

As time wound down, a few half-hearted boots were dished out, but the game was essentially over. As the final horn blew, the Bloodsand Blasters walked away from Mjaddersen Skvar Garden with their first victory of the season.

MVP awards for this match went to Sahket Toomi, who threw a picture-perfect stiff-arm on his way in for the touchdown, and 9surprisingly) to Olov Rudberg, possibly for getting out while the getting was good. Additional marks go to Rangers' ulfwerener Sigvard Hoglund for his key blocking, as well as to Blasters mummy Durdurhotep for his little rampage early on, and thrower Hork Ptah for completing three passes despite not having any muscles to speak of.

Be sure to join us again soon for Bloodbath's final match report for this week.

High Adrenaline and Low Scores

Week 4 MMBBL action continues with the report from Deathbed Arena, where the Smash and Go'nads were visiting the BloodDrunk Berserkers for some intense Deathdealer action! The Berserkers, being an expansion squad, had a decent turnout, but were slightly overshadowed by the presence of Go'nads fans, who've seen a remarkable surge of support since their trip to the Blood Bowl finals last season.

Outnumbered though they may have been, the chaos fans showed their enthusiasm early, as what appeared to be an entire sacrificial goat was hurled from the crowd to land squarely on top of dwarf defender Achilles Punks, who was slower than usual to get up. The ball came into the hands of Face Eater, Berserkers beastman, who was immediately off and running for the other end of the field. Quick to lend a "block" was Max Spleenripper, hired on to do as much damage as possible before the officials removed him from the pitch. Unfortunately for Spleenripper, after laying a slash through Achilles Punks' armour, he was toppled by an enraged Herb Eaverstinks and was too grievously wounded to continue.

The dwarves were beginning to win the blocking game, but already the theme of the drive had shifted, as the much faster beastmen scrambled to take out anyone in Face Eater's way. A trio of them ganged up on Drew Peacock to punch a hole in the wide defense, and Face Eater charged through untouched. With no hope of catching him, the Go'nads' defense continued to grapple with the Berserkers' offensive line until at last, Face Eater ran the football in for the touchdown.

On the ensuing kickoff, the dwarves started to get dirty, with blitzer Moe Lester emphatically kicking a downed beastman in the kidneys. Unfortunately for the Go'nads, Lester was anything but subtle, and the surly fellow was ejected from the match, reportedly leaving the stadium altogether to take in the local pub scene. Meanwhile the more talented of the dwarf players, the dynamic running duo of Dick Gozinia and Adam Meway, were enjoying more conventional successes, making their way steadily downfield. Time was not on their side, though, and the clock ran down before their play could develop into a point on the board. At halftime, the score was 1-0 for the BloodDrunk Berserkers.

After the break, with the Smash and Go'nads receiving, another case of projectile enthusiasm erupted from the stands. In retaliation for the sacrificial goat which landed on Achilles Punks, it seemed that Moe Lester had returned in disguise, and managed to sneak a cow into the upper deck where dozens of dwarf fans were watching. Their combined efforts heaved the bewildered bovine over the guardrail and onto the pitch below, Where it impacted on beastman Gutripper. With the distraction in effect, Adam Meway retrieved the ball and began to gallop downfield. He was pursued and eventually tackled by Warheart, but not before he had a chance to lob the ball to his partner in crime, Dick Gozinia. The bait and switch was played perfectly, and Gozinia tied the game on his trip to the end zone.

The score now tied, the Berserkers still had the advantage and could play the clock - as long as their line held up. Enter Cludge Slamboni and his deathroller to bolster the dwarven defense. As the next drive began, Face eater experienced some difficulty getting the ball into his mitts. Eventually, he reined it in and fired a long, high pass to Killrock the Hated. The dwarves were all over it, though, and the ball was back in beardy hands before long, shifting the advantage once more.

with the shift of fortunes came a shift in tactics as well, as the Smash and Go'nads put a little extra "smash" on their game. While Herb Eaverstinks and Achilles Punks put a waist-high hurting on an assortment of beastmen, Cludge Slamboni turned the Berserkers line into a bloody pavement, marking two significant casualties and any number of stubbed toes. Unfortunately for the dwarves, the clock ran down amid their gleeful pummeling, and the match ended in a 1-1 draw.

Match MVPs were earned by Wrathmore of the BloodDrunk Berserkers, and hard-hitting Holden McGroin of the Smash and Go'nads. Also notable was Achilles Punks' uncanny ability to maneuver himself into all kinds of positive coverage, and Dick Gozinia's ferocious forward blocking, as when he made a cover-worthy stiff-arm on his way to the end zone.

Next on the docket, the Blueriver Wardoves and the Blackwater Bilgerunners, the two most nimble and acrobatic squads in the league, square off in a battle of olfactory extremes!

Skinks Sink Stinkers

This week's action from Deathdealer Division is coming right at you, sportsfiends! First on the slate, the woeful Muenster Valley Stinkers host the surprising Sun Temple Chupacabras at Fort Muenster Cheeseyard. Right from the outset, it was clear who the favourites were. More than two thirds of the spectators on hand were there in support of the Chupacabras, and this despite the questionable implications of anyone but a goblin going anywhere near a goblin-run arena.

The lizardmen won the coin toss and elected to receive first. The Stinkers defense was missing one of its biggest contributors - Windmill Widegut, who was sitting this one out with a moderate concussion sustained against the Smash and Go'nads. In his place, however, stood mercenary troll Gurch Squatlaunch - maybe not the best money can buy, but certainly something that some money can rent. To the Stinkers' delight, he proved to be on the same page as the rest of the team from the get-go, as he set a blitz in motion on the first kickoff. The play seemed to have rattled the lizard offense, as a handoff from Harpo to Mondo Xtopilopicoatl was bobbled and dropped. The Stinkers pressed the brief advantage as Whirly Early unraveled his ball and chain to knock a pair of saurus on their backsides. Gurch further proved his worth by hitting Tyrannosaurus Sex with a double-arm slam that left the rapacious reptile seeing stars as he was hauled off the pitch to the infirmary. Again the skinks worked at their running play, and this time Harpo successfully handed off to his brother Pablo, who cruised down the sideline, escorted by El Mucho Grande. Stinker Fleestone of the goblins attempted to stop the crafty skink, but he proved entirely too slippery, breaking free of coverage and running the ball in for the touchdown.

A lucky break struck for the Stinkers as the Chupacabras kicked to them. The ball sailed out of bounds and the touchback went to Gassy Pinchflick, newcomer and soon-to-be-airborne goblin wheeler. Thudd Thuddler hurled him skyward, but the landing left much to be desired. The lizardmen made a move to recover the football, and though his first try failed, eventually Pablo Xtopilopicoatl scooped it up and made his way up the field. Pablo then handed off to brother Meepo, who mirrored his brother's previous touchdown run with a streak down the sideline. Just like that, the score was 2-0 for the Sun temple Chupacabras.

At this point, the Chupacabras' fans were roaring, but somehow their joy was matched by the angry bellowing of the smaller goblin contingent. It is speculated that though the goblins' voices were relatively quiet, their collective breath was loud enough to split stone and raise the dead. A second bad kick from the lizardmen landed right at midfield, but in such a way that neither skink nor stinker could get a solid hold of it before being tripped up or shoved away. The referees managed to pick something up, however, as Gassy Pinchflick was tossed out for a half-hearted foul on El Legarto Terrible. Finally, Stinker Fleestone managed to get a grip on the football, and immediately thereafter was lobbed downfield by Thudd Thuddler. The throw proved just short of the end zone, and the whistle blew before Fleestone could make a run for it. At halftime, the Chupacabras remained in the lead, two scores to none.

After the break, with the Stinkers receiving once more, you could see in their eyes the sense of desperation. The kick this time was much better, and fielded poorly by Dab Lobsnot. Lobsnot was subsequently pushed aside by his own teammate, Kicky Mudgob, who had little trouble with the ball and was thereafter heaved aloft by the towering Thudd Thuddler. Thuddler's aim was true, and Mudgob's landing immaculate. a quick bob and weave around the bewildered skink safety and the goblins had their first point of the game.

While the goblin touchdown has a great effect on the morale of the hometown fans, it absolutely enraged the Chupacabras' supporters. As the Stinkers kicked off, an errant thighbone was thrown out of the upper deck and pegged Thudd Thuddler squarely in the back of his skull, just below he helmet. The troll fell flat on his face, but the looks on the faces of the lizardmen were not smiles and smirks. With the troll out of the way, they caught a glimpse of Blaggat Horkbag, casually tossing a bomb from hand to hand. They looked to the referee, but he was far too busy counting a handful of money to pay any attention. Horkbag let fly his explosives, and the blast plowed through Mondo Xtopilopicoatl, severely damaging the skink's hip joint. Luckily, the skilled priests of the Sun Temple were able to mend the fallen player. Despite the smoke and blasted turf, the Chupacabras held to their game plan and Meepo Xtopilopicoatl found the ball. Running headlong down the sideline with support from Reptar the Reprehensible and Harpo, Meepo proved untouchable and the two-point lead was restored as he crossed the goal line.

As the game began to slip away from them, the stinkers showed signs of faltering across the field. The Chupacabras were able to read their offense perfectly and reordered themselves to exploit its weaknesses. Gurch Squatlaunch pitched ball carrier Nudgy Bangfart down the field, but the latter landed on his head rather than his feet. As Bangfart was about to get up again, he found himself surrounded by skinks, and a sharp kick to the temple from Sue Xtopilopicoatl put him out with a bad case of the won't-wake-ups. The bad breaks kept coming as El Mucho Grande knocked out Bumgo Butterbomb and Pablo Xtopilopicoatl turned a blitz by Ziddy Blotch into a comatose goblin.With that, Pablo scooped up the football and took off like a shot for the end zone. With nothing but hope left in the playbook, Gurch Squatlaunch threw Kicky Mudgob towards the streaking skink, and miraculously the goblin didn't crash. Hitting the ground running, Mudgob plowed into Pablo and knocked the skink flat. The ball careened into the stands and, in typical goblin fashion, was booted back into play before anyone got any ideas about going in after it. Right on the spot was Gecko, but the run took too much out of him, and he fell, exhausted, before crossing the goal line. With not so much as a gasp left in the lungs of anyone present, time ran out, with the final score sitting at 3-1 for the Sun Temple Chupacabras.

Match MVPs were Blaggat Horkbag of the Stinkers, and Reptar the Reprehensible of the Chupacabras, no doubt for his strong supportive blocking on Meepo Xtopilopicoatl's touchdown run. Notable as well were Meepo himself, who worked his way out of coverage with some incredible footwork, and Sue, who displayed remarkable agility throughout the contest. after the match, the Chupacabras' skinks were noticeably excited, and the reason became clear in a press conference, as the father of the many Xtopilopicoatl brothers, "Big Poppa" Xtopilopicoatl, joined the team in the position of Thunder Lizard. This potent offense is 2 and 0 in its young history, and the addition of a Kroxigor on the front line will make them a powerhouse on both sides of the ball.

Tune in again soon for all the highlights from the Smash and Go'nads' match against the BloodDrunk Berserkers!

Halflings Come Up Short Against Raiders

Our second game out of Bloodbath division saw the diminutive yet determined Pancake Valley Shortstacks test their mettle against the rowdy Asgard Raiders. It's pots and pans versus looting and pillaging. Midgets and mayhem, at the Frying Pan!

There was no doubt about the atmosphere in this game. From early dawn it had rained, through breakfast, brunch, lunch, teatime, dinner and supper, leaving the Frying Pan a soggy, muddy mess for the match. Even as the teams took to the pitch, the rain kept coming. Winning the coin toss, the Shortstacks chose to receive first, and lined up behind their formidable treemen, Barkley Hobbittosser and Mr. Tree (who were quite invigourated by all the precipitation) as the Asgard Raiders took their defensive positions. The halflings looked ready to start. but the norsemen were even readier - blitzing across midfield, the defense stormed their tiny opponents. Still, Fatty "Fatty" Fat Fat of the Shortstacks managed to get ahold of the ball and make his way to Barkley Hobbittosser, and the treeman hurled the little fellow downfield where he landed expertly.

The downfall of the halfling playbook is usually their lack of mobility, and this came to the fore early on. Egil Stoneheart throttled Dip Deadweight, tossing him off to the sidelines after rendering him unconscious and out of service. Further down the field, Tyr Warriov caught up with the trundling Fatty, knocked him down with an overhand smash, and recovered the ball in one swift motion. Looking to correct the problem, Hobbittosser picked up the nearest teammate - this time Sloth Lovechunk - and pitched him downfield to help recover the ball. Unfortunately, Lovechunk didn't land well and was a bit dazed. Standing up to get back that which was taken from him, Fatty Fat Fat was dumped into the stands by Norse thrower Egor Longrow, and landed roughly on a sausage cart which robbed him of his consciousness. Now Mr. Tree was joining the game of halfling lawn darts, hurling Cam Sizzlespam into coverage, this one landing much more smoothly.

Getting his bearings, Sloth Lovechunk dodged nimbly out from under his would-be assailants and laid a blitz on the unsuspecting Ingdor Hamerzeit. Fortunately for Hamerzeit, not much suspicion is needed to fend off a halfling attack, and Lovechunk was dumped on his bottom and left too bruised to continue playing. Apparently taken by a bout of maddened rage, Hamerzeit followed up by crippling Pip Pieface with an inspired body slam. The landing fractured Pieface's skull, but proper care from the team doctors led him safely back to his senses.

The airborne defense persisted for the Shortstacks, as Flapjack Porkbelly was lobbed skyward, only to land abruptly on his back. The norsemen continued to clear a path for Tyr Warriov, with Egil Stoneheart leading the charge and trampling Tub Trollfodder underfoot. As Trollfodder was removed from the pitch, no one noticed as Gunnvor Odinson hit a downed Cream Sugarfoot with a hip drop, knocking the halfling out and eliminating the last line of defense. Tyr Warriov strode into the end zone and howled madly at the fans, scaring most of them out of the first few rows of seating.

With the next kickoff came renewed encouragement from the halfling fans, yelling their support for the hometown crowd. Inspired by this show of support, Jiff Jellyroll deftly picked up the ball and made a handoff to Fiddley Diddlebottom, who buckled up and prepared to ride the catapult arm of Barkley Hobbittosser. The treeman's aim was true, and Diddlebottom landed softly, breaking into a run for the end zone! Using every ounce of energy in his squat little legs, Diddlebottom surged to the end zone...and tripped on an errant bagel dropped earlier by one of his teammates. The stadium groaned collectively, and the Raiders fell back to retrieve the lost ball. Egor Longrow was first on the spot, but couldn't get a grip on the rain-slick football, and it squirted free once more. With time running down, the Shortstacks turned once again to desperate measures. Mr. Tree attempted to chuck Dunk Dillweed downfield to recover the ball, but fumbled the halfling, dropping him waist-deep into the mud. The norsemen had no time for another score before halftime, but as Egor Longrow finally got the ball in his hands, he managed a shovel pass to Ingdor Hamerzeit. Hamerzeit, still foaming from his previous frenzy, moved immediately to the fallen Fiddley Diddlebottom and kicked him squarely in the pastries, earning himself a match penalty. Going into halftime, the score remained 1-0 for the Asgard Raiders.

Down by a score, the Shortstacks kicked to the Raiders after the intermission. The kick was high and shallow, but the fielding attempt by Kari Quickstride was not effective. Seizing the opportunity, the Shortstacks were led by Barkley Hobbittosser in an effort to cross midfield. The hulking treeman clobbered the hapless Quickstride, putting the runner out of the game with a bad case of magical splinters. Dunk Dillweed then attempted to pick up the loose ball, only to fumble in the driving rain. The football bounced away, and it was scooped up by none other than Hobbittosser himself! With the significance of this event sweeping through him like an Autumn breeze, the lumbering treeman began his slog downfield, pausing momentarily to pitch the aforementioned Dunk Dillweed downfield.

The Norse were not about to let a vegetable get the best of them, and ganged up on Hobbittosser quickly. Working together, nearly a half-dozen surly vikings managed to fell the mighty treeman, and the ball once more fell free. Unable to pick it up handily, the Raiders did the next best thing - eliminate anyone else who might try to pick it up. First, Gunnvor Odinson clubbed Dunk Dillweed with his own helmet, leaving the halfling to stumble off to the infirmary. Then, Ymir Keldsvide put the hurt on Pip Pieface, who had already been brutally accosted once this match, and who folded like a napkin under this latest assault. To make matters worse for the Shortstacks, Mr. Tree found himself rooted in the middle of the pitch, unable to resist the promise of fresh rain in his roots any longer. Frustrated but full of vigour, he brought a brutal branch down on the Raiders' journeyman blocker and was called for the foul. With just such an eventuality in mind, a squadron of elite gardeners was called in to uproot and transplant Mr. Tree into a comfortably moist penalty field.

The hits kept coming as Tyr Warriov landed a heavy blow to the back of Fiddley Diddlebottom, leaving the little fellow with a more long-term injury than one would have liked. Immediately thereafter, Egil Stoneheart gave Cream Sugarfoot the boot, getting caught in the act but looking very satisfied with his three-casualty performance. With the halfling resistance dwindling, Egor Longrow got hold of the ball and began the march downfield. Now immobile himself but no less angry, Barkley Hobbittosser threw a crushing punch-block at the hapless Norse journeyman, taking the player's head clean off and sending it soaring into the upper deck. At last, the hometown crowd had something to cheer about, and Hobbittosser was given a standing ovation as the field staff dragged away what remained of the unlucky norseman. Still, Egor Longrow was left untouched in his march to the end zone, and the second Raiders touchdown essentially sealed the victory for the violent vikings.

Little time remained, but the halflings lined up bravely (what was left of them, anyway) for a final drive. Bizarrely, the Raiders seemed unwilling to put up any resistance, and in fact most of them were completely in the bag from premature victory ale. The kick was terrible to say the least, and the resulting touchback put the ball in the hands of Fatty Fat Fat. Hobbittosser picked the halfling up and pitched him forward, and he landed smoothly enough for a guy whose waistband was wider than he was tall. Huffing, puffing, sweating like a pig in a sauna, Fatty trundled towards the end zone, and the Raiders actually cheered the little fellow on...until he tripped over that suspicious bagel! A confused, angry halfling crowd pelted the field with buns and donuts in protest, which the Shortstacks collected and devoured as the Raiders went to the locker room cheering and singing despite the ringing of strudels against their helmets. The final score was two to nothing.

MVPs of this match were Gunnvor Odinson, who led his fellow linemates in a display of fearless defiance, and Pip Pieface, presumably for demonstrating the resilience of a cockroach. Also notable were Eirik Runeval's defensive guarding and Barkley Hobbittosser's knack for knocking things over and having them stay "over."

Slow and Steady Sees Dirt Bursters Through

And now, the other half of the MMBBL playoff whole! With the Smash and Go'nads waiting for their opponent in the finals, all that remained was for the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and Blueriver Wardoves to determine which of them was to advance and meet the dwarves for all the marbles. You all know the Dirt Bursters - winners of three straight tournaments and favoured to repeat. The Wardoves, however, are gaining quite a following with their unique combination of skill, speed and limited edition 8x10 glossies. The ugliest of uglies and the beefcake from Blueriver - who would get their trip to the finals?

To the delight of the elven fans in attendance, the impressive Prince Moranian had joined the Wardoves to aid in their fight for glory. The extra elfpower would be most welcome indeed, for after the Dirt Bursters won the coin toss, the referee was never seen again. Suspicion surrounds a particularly noisy section of the Dirt Bursters' fans, where a rather large zombie was spotted wearing black and white stripes that didn't fit him at all. In any case, a messenger was sent to find a replacement official. In the meantime, there would be no holds barred for the first half of this semifinal tilt!

After a stellar kickoff by the Wardoves, Ned Gummers retrieved the ball and quickly joined his teammates in a protective knot of undead bodies. Sticking to their zone defense, the elves recoiled and regrouped, providing no clean avenue for Gummers to make a run at the end zone. The downside would be that some elves would still need to take the brunt of the Dirt Bursters' wrath. First on the list was Stryth Leafmauler, knocked out cold by the ever-dangerous Chunk Norton. Not even mighty Moranian was safe, as Magut the mummy lined him up for a stunning smash. A shining chance came for the elves when Tsih Killwillow, heedless of the cries from his legions of admirers, leaped directly into the undead offense in an attempt to dislodge Ned Gummers from the safety of his teammates. The attack was a partial success, temporarily disrupting the Dirt Bursters' advance. Somehow, after the other undead players realized there was an elf among them, Killwillow survived by deftly leading his assailants to shove him back out of the box. Meanwhile, Chunk Norton was seen repeatedly fouling Prince Moranian, although no referee emerged to call him for it.

Any elf maiden who hadn't previously fainted upon witnessing Tsih Killwillow's near-suicidal leaping charge soon did as he attempted a second such attack. Once again the elven heartthrob hurled himself into harm's way, shoving Ned Gummers down the line, hoping that his teammates might find a chance to strike him. Unfortunately, the only major shoving was going in the opposite direction, as Albiir Featherdeath was dispatched by Khermit of the Dirt Bursters. Carted off the field in serious pain, Featherdeath was quickly revived by Wardoves medical staff who knew that they were in no position to start losing players. Finally having enough of the interfering dropkicks, wight No Guts Bob knocked Tsih Killwillow out and opened a hole through which the slippery Ned Gummers could squeeze. lurching down the pitch, Gummers scored the first point of the match near the end of the first half. To the joy of the Wardoves fans, every elf knocked on his bottom during the first drive was ready to battle once more. Unfortunately, time wound down soon after the undead kickoff, and the score remained 1-0 through halftime.

Once they took the field again, the Blueriver Wardoves made no illusions about their high-powered airborne offense. Nearly every eligible receiver went straight down the middle of the field, and the Dirt Busters threw themselves at the elves to slow their charge. Only so much can be done against the incredibly nimble Wardoves receivers, however, and Angruil Grimmrose was out of harm's way without so much as breaking a sweat. Bendark Mossfang's clear vision and smooth throw found him, and just like that the score was tied at one.

With a near-perfect kick, the Wardoves were back on the defensive, and with a knockout blow from Magut to Bendyrm Cloudrender, the Dirt Bursters were back on the offense. Chompsalot snatched up the ball and went into the now familiar formation of absolute protective advance. Still plowing the way was Magut, this time throttling line elf Dellin Finchtalon into the infirmary, where he was fortunately restored to game shape by the medics. A near-break in the undead formation showed midway through the drive, but no elf could capitalize on the minor miscue. Once again, out of the backfield came the leaping Tsih Killwillow,but the Dirt Bursters were prepared for his antics this time. Chompsalot dealt with the free-falling catcher with ease, and Killwillow was left stunned on the pitch while the undead continued to advance. Now desperate, the elves saw their line dwindle further as Magut knocked out yet another player, this time leveling Pynian Grassripper. The final low came as ghoul runner Bahnaynay clawed through a gap in Stryth Leafmauler's armour and brought his hand out with the elf's heart as well. With the occasional cry of "Ka Li Mah" from the nearby crowd, Leafmauler fell dead to the ground, and Bahnaynay tossed the heart nonchalantly to the sidelines. Fortunately the elf doctors had enough know-how between them to repair and revive the gruesomely gutted line elf. While they worried about saving a life, however, Chompsalot had broken free of the remaining elf coverage and given the Dirt Bursters the lead once more, with barely any time left on the clock.

With the game all but in the body bag, the Dirt Bursters kicked off and, to no one's surprise, there once again was no referee present on the pitch. This time, we can safely assume that the official wanted nothing to do with what might happen after this crowd got out of the stands. Even more convenient for the Dirt Bursters was the seemingly random appearance of a meteor on the elven side of the field. The meteor proved weaker than advertised though, and the completely unlucky Stryth Leafmauler simply passed out from heat exposure. Time ran out, the game was over. A two to one victory for the returning champions.

This match's MVP awards went to Khermit of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, and Dellin Finchtalon of the Blueriver Wardoves. After the match at a press conference, the Wardoves announced that line elf Mlalyn Firefawn had been moved from his on-field position to lead cheerleader for the ribbon-bearing Wardoves motivational dancers. He and a trio of comely elf maidens would round out the new cheer squad, a change in pace that we're sure Firefawn does not object to. The Wardoves also have announced the hiring of a quartet of assistant coaches to delegate the various aspects of their game. The Dirt Burster's for their part, announced that "Dwarf was back on the menu".

One more match remains, and it's the big one! Get your seats, get your popcorn, bring your jersey and your projectile weapons of choice! Tomorrow night, the BLOOD BOWL is on in the MMBBL! See you then!

Go'nads Go Further after Riotous Match

Group 1 semifinal action coming at you, but don't read it all in one bite, this one's hot! The Smash and Go'nads, coming off their victory against the Bloodsand Blasters, would do battle against the Blackwater Bilgerunners, who racked up an impressive score against the Brutakai Ragefangs on their way here. Only one of these two teams would get a card for the big dance, so let's see who had the best moves!

Lovely weather and the aromatic medley of beer, hair and garbage hung in the air. Fans were treated to the sight of a pair of new hirings for this match as well as the usual list of participants. The Bilgerunners had signed linerat Twistknee to fill a gap, and the Go'nads fans were brought to their feet (not that anyone noticed the difference) as Cludge Slamboni, pilot of their new deathroller, drove his engine of destruction onto the sidelines. The skaven fans were less than appreciative, regarding this new addition, and the Bilgerunners themselves quickly took up the protest as well. Regardless, the referees demanded that everyone settle down and get the match underway. The coin toss went in the Bilgerunners' favour, and the dwarves set their defense and prepared to kick. The skaven had other ideas, however, and demanded that before the game begin, that the deathroller be removed from the premises. Slamboni and the dwarves would have nothing of it, and the pitch soon erupted in a series of brawls that took quite a while to sort out.

Eventually the dust did clear, and the game was able to proceed. Right off the snap, the skaven burst past the slower dwarves and into the secondary, showing multiple eligible receivers across the field. Fivel Mausketrap, one of the league's leading throwers, gained possession and hurled the ball to gutter runner Dingleberry for an easy catch. Dingleberry handed off to teammate Twinkletoes, who bobbed and weaved through coverage to get into the clear. Such safety does come at a price, however, as the position play of linerat Limpy left him open to an assault from Herb Eaverstinks of the smash and Go'nads. Eaverstinks pummeled the skaven soundly, leaving him out of commission for the remainder of the day. Still, the protection held, and the skaven running game quickly put the Bilgerunners on the board. A touchdown for Twinkletoes, and a one to nothing lead for the skaven squad.

The dwarves had seen just about enough of the speedy side of the game, and looked forward to turning things more to their style of play, the kind where players pay for every yard with their teeth. As the Bilgerunners kicked off and Adam Meway grabbed hold of the ball, a wave of hurt came over the skaven, courtesy of the hard-working fellows on the line of scrimmage. Herb Eaverstinks laid out linerat Krunch while Craven Moorehead throttled Fivel Mausketrap, leaving both skaven players unconscious. Moe Lester followed it up by stepping on Piddlepaw with excessive enthusiasm, removing the gutter runner from contention, and Achilles Punks did likewise to Twinkletoes, leaving the Blackwater defense with several gaping holes.

Reaching midfield, Meway handed off to Moe Lester, who picked up where the runner left off. The punishment kept coming for the skaven, as Gil T. Azell, foaming at the mouth as if he'd just consumed a bottle of shaving cream, leveled newcomer Twistknee with a hit that left the latter's legs bent up in ways reminiscent of the complicated plumbing arrangements he calls home. Holden McGroin further cleared the path, hauling down storm vermin Jenner and making sure he wouldn't get up again under his own power. With nothing of any substance in his way, Moe Lester was home free for the tying point.

Little time remained for more action in the first half, but once again hostilities erupted between the two squads. The officials, not wanting to risk the ire of the coaches for shortening their play time, deftly scrolled the play clock back to actually add more time to the contest. No one seemed to notice, and play did finally resume. In retaliation for the injuries sustained by his comrades, Squeesplat the linerat put Achilles Punks' lights out for a little while. Dingleberry retrieved the ball in place of his injured teammate Fivel, and passed out to Krunch for a reception. Unfortunately, he was run down unceremoniously after not getting too far, the ball was scooped up by Adam Meway, and the dwarf passed to his fellow runner Dick Gozinia. Just as the dwarf running game started to progress, however, the whistle blew and the teams retreated to their locker rooms.

The Smash and Go'nads set about duplicating their first half success in the second frame of play, but it seems as though the fans had had enough; the skaven of the Go'nads, the dwarves of just about everything. Neither race is particularly known for needing a good reason to trample someone, of course. The fans spilled out onto the field, made their respective attempts at spontaneous brutality, and when the dust settled, storm vermin Brutus and line dwarves Holden McGroin and Phil DeGrave were tossed on the naptime cart and wheeled to the sidelines to sleep off their lumps. Meanwhile, the reason for the crowd's dispersal became evident - Cludge Slamboni was on the field, piloting the deathroller and taking a spot at center. Wasting no time as the dwarves received the kick, Slamboni leveled the Bilgerunners' rat ogre, O'Rattigan, and went on his way to cause more havoc. As Adam Meway moved down the sideline to midfield, Slamboni's ride came to an abrupt end when he was called for fouling linerat Squeesplat with a cinder block he'd "accidentally" dropped off the back of the deathroller on his way by. Still, the lack of the metal monstrosity didn't dissuade the rest of the dwarves, and Craven Moorehead filled the role of muscle admirably as he put Brutus the storm vermin out for the foreseeable future. The skaven line continued to dwindle and the dwarves continued to surge, and Adam Meway rolled into the end zone with no strenuous effort. The dwarves had the lead, but could they maintain it?

It seemed they had every intention to do just that, as on the ensuing kickoff, the Go'nads read the Bilgerunners offense perfectly. Linerat Krunch was sent back to get the ball, but through either nerves or lack of concentration, couldn't get a good grip. Up on the line, a hole was punched, quite literally, as Herb Eaverstinks knocked out Squeesplat, diminishing the skaven support crew even further. The skaven ran the ball forward eventually, but Dick Gozinia was right there to clobber the carrier and retrieve the rock. Fivel Mausketrap, desperate to make a play, threw a hit on Gozinia, but the wily runner had already dumped off to Moe Lester as he saw the hit coming. Lester handed off to Stu Padasso, who saw Adam Meway int he clear for a possibly reception, but the pass was off-target and fell to the ground lifelessly. As the final whistle blew, the skaven fans echoed the lifelessness of the ball, while the Smash and Go'nads fans and players alike celebrated their victory in true dwarven fashion. It's expected that the stadium will be serviceable again sometime within the next two or three decades.

With the final score of 2 to 1 for the Go'nads, the dwarves advance to the finals match against either the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters or the Blueriver Wardoves. MVP awards for the match go to Fivel Mausketrap of the Bilgerunners and to Dick Gozinia of the Smash and Go'nads.

So, the dwarves triumph, and their playoff run shows a remarkable turnaround from their mediocre play in the regular season. The Bilgerunners, for their part, will be back again soon, hungry as ever. One more semifinal to go, folks, and it's off to the Blood Bowl Championship Game!

Wardoves Edge Meathooks in Thrilling Fashion

And here we are, down to the last quarterfinal match for the MMBBL Blood Bowl tournament! In this brutal installment, the heavy-hitting Meathooks square off against the high-flying Blueriver Wardoves, led once more by the inspiring presence of Prince Moranian, for a berth in the group two semifinal. Who will prevail? Who will survive? Who will clean up the mess afterwards? Read on to find out.

As the fans piled into their seats, the pleasant weather began to blow through on a stiff wind from the South. Kickoff saw what little shade remained disappear, and as Meathooks thrower Biggs McStabstab went to pick up the ball, the sun turned its fury to face the pitch, raising the temperature well past the comfort zone of the players. The Wardoves summoned their few cool breeze elementals, and the Meathooks took turns sitting in the refreshment tub to beat the heat. As the drive began, some showed early signs of fatigue, as McStabstab collapsed on the pitch soon after retrieving the ball. Offsetting the mistake, however, were Beef Bigaxe and Moose Burger, each knocking out an elf and securing a numerical advantage. Dodging nimbly through the orc line, several elves made breaks towards the ball, but Biggs McStabstab, heat-crazed and delirious, managed to pick up the ball again, yell at it, and hurl it towards Hammish the goblin. Upon catching it, Hammish was surrounded by his teammates in a protective cage formation. With practiced skill that came from hours of diet training and upper body workout, Gristly Slötturhaus scooped the little guy up and hurled him downfield. Landing safely, Hammish went untouched into the end zone. My, but that goblin can move!

With most players enduring the heat but several succumbing, the two teams returned to the field for the next drive. As the kick went off and Bendark Mossfang went to start the offense, Ramrod Meatmissile began the defense with a blatant foul against Angruil Grimmrose and was ejected from the match. Mossfang, the league's leading passer, went about business as usual, finding Fhorin Bloodmeadow with a pass in the gap left by Meatmissile's departure. Perhaps his mind wasn't entirely on the game, or perhaps the heat got to him, but Bloodmeadow somehow managed to trip up on the goal line before I could get the ball across. Luckily, the orc zone defense was far behind him, and he was able to stand up, dust himself off neatly, wave to some lucky lady in the crowd, and walk the ball in for the tying point.

Lining up their defense, the Wardoves showed little interest in confronting the slower orc offense in the dying seconds of the first half. Leaving only the required minimum of presence on the line of scrimmage, the bulk of the elf forces stayed well back in the secondary. With Gristly Slötturhaus declaring the charge by clobbering Valandil Dreadlily, the orc line surged forward, only to be stopped in their tracks, puzzled, as the Wardoves began an elaborate dance routine. The stadium support crew quickly caught on, and the Meathooks could only look on as the elves mocked their latest assault until the whistle blew. In this latest battle between orc and elf, it was clear just who had gotten served. The two teams returned to their locker rooms, the score knotted at one.

Receiving once again to start the second half, the Wardoves put together yet another of their signature, lightning-quick scoring plays. Bendark Mossfang, having retrieved the football, surveyed the field from the safety of the pocket, as his receivers coursed like gazelles down the field. In particular, Tish Killwillow was eluding coverage masterfully, and was therefore the prime choice of receivers for Mossfang to connect with. One sailing, soaring pass later, the ball was in Killwillow's surprisingly soft hands, and he was in a bed of not surprisingly soft pillows laid down by the Wardoves cheerleaders, leaping into the end zone to the delight of his fans. Could the Meathooks respond?

With flash and theatrics uncharacteristic of orckind, they did just that. Play began, Biggs McStabstab relayed the ball to Hammish, and the diminutive scoring machine pointed out to a spot downfield. Was he calling the shot? an onslaught of orcish offensive line work obscured the ref's view as the Meathooks' newly-hired backup goblin, Pork Rind, scampered onto the field bearing one of Tsih Killwillow's pillows! The Wardove defensive coordinators attempted to alert the ref to the situation, but before they could flag him down, Hammish was airborne. Sure enough, he flew right towards the pillow-bearing backup. Landing softly in a mocking pose, Hammish touched down and strutted into the end zone, making several rude gestures along the way.

At last, the heat and haze began to dissipate, but only because the sun's intense heat was replaced by intense brightness. Still, most players gladly accepted the trade of sweltering heat for mere dazzling sunlight. Confident that a back-and-forth battle such as this was playing well into their strategy, the Wardoves again set up their offense. With Mossfang recovering the football and tossing a rocket of a pass downfield to Fhorin Bloodmeadow, everything seemed to be going right for the elves. Everything, that is, until out of nowhere, Beefquake the black orc got his big mitt in the way, hauling down the pass for an unthinkable interception. The Wardoves fans were in shock, and the Meathooks fans were in a frenzy! Stomping downfield in his steel-toed boots, Beefquake was rallied around by his teammates - until his own feet tied him up and sent the massive blocker down in a corpulent heap. Still hanging close to the play, Bendark Mossfang swooped in to pick up the loose ball, and launched a pass to Angruil Grimmrose without so much as a second glance. The catcher was true to his route, and was still where he should have been. Catching the ball, he was virtually unchallenged in claiming the go-ahead touchdown.

The fans had switched gears entirely now, with the Wardoves faithful whooping and hollering, while the Meatheads' cries of victory turned into wails of anguish. In the confusion, someone - no one is sure who - had disposed of the referee, and the Meathooks grinned widely as they set their offense one more time, eager to finally play a game on bloodier terms. Setting up for the obvious goblin toss, the orcs were countered by an equally obvious - but safe - goal line stop defense from the elves. Pork Rind, the plucky little goblin, was in place, given the ball, and quickly surrounded by his biggest, meanest teammates. Suddenly, from nowhere, came Tsih Killwillow, positively livid at the theft of one of his professionally-fluffed pillows. Breaking formation, the nimble Killwillow charged headlong at the well-protected goblin, and at the last second took a flying leap over the wall of green flesh in his way. Coming down hard, with no turning back, Killwillow extended his right leg and drop-kicked the hapless Pork Rind in the skull. All the goblin could do was grab hold of the leg and twist, and the two of them went down in a heap, Tish needing to be carted off and the goblin lying stunned on the pitch. With time running out and Pork Rind not back to his senses, rage overtook the orc offense. Gristly Slötturhaus grabbed the little fellow anyway and pitched him overhand downfield towards the elves, hoping to exact revenge with some measure of goblin-related injury. The throw missed its mark, and Pork Rind was left to sort himself out as the whistle blew and Wardoves fans flooded the field in victory. Onward go the Blueriver Wardoves to meet the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters in the semifinal match! Homeward go the Meathooks, this disappointing season behind them.

MVPs of the match were line elf Dellin Finchtalon of the Wardoves, who displayed fantastic speed all game long, and Grunt Skunchman of the Meathooks. If anything was learned on this day, it is that you do not, under any situation, come between an elf and his designer bed ware.

Now the semifinals are set, sportsfiends! Dwarves and Skaven, Elves and Undead! Who will advance on the road to victory, and who will be mere speedbumps along the way? Check back again soon to find out!

Go'nads Smash Their Way into Semifinals

Hello again, sportsfiends! Time for another playoff action update from the MMBBL. Today we've got the quarterfinal matchup between the Bloodsand Blasters, unlikely champions of the Bloodbath division, and the equally underdog Smash and Go'nads from the bottom of Deathdealer's barrel. Who's going to climb to the next level, the bones or the beards?

With excellent weather for the event, the Blasters elected to kick first and ask questions later. Though the majority of the fans on hand were wearing the beige and burgundy of the Go'nads, the Blasters' fans managed quite a racket for the kickoff to spur their team to victory. Unfortunately, it didn't pay off as almost as soon as the ball hit the turf, a handful of dwarves gang-piled West Nile Cyrus, knocking out the towering mummy and leaving a considerable divot in the field where he was felled. All over the pitch, more dwarves were taking the cue, dragging the bandaged brutes down to their level.

Meanwhile, runner Dick Gozinia was on the ball, quickly gaining midfield as fast as his legs could carry him. At last, the undead team's mummies got organized, and Battering Ramses laid a hit on Euin Whatarmy that was sure to keep the troll slayer out of contention for a while. The success was short-lived though, as line skeleton Dirty Suez's block on Adam Meway failed miserably, the dwarf instead grabbing the skeleton through the eye sockets and tearing his head from his spine. Bloodsand Blasters fans clamored for a facemask penalty, but none was assessed due to Suez' lack of a mask, or of a face, for that matter. Not even the skillful igor hired on by the Blasters could repair the damage, and Suez crumbled into dust as play went on.

The dwarves showed their superior skill in the face of the imposing Khemri might, and the mummies became too scattered to hope to preserve the defensive line. Desperate for a stop, a pair of skeletons managed to haul down Gozinia, but the alert runner deftly tossed the ball laterally to teammate Adam Meway, who pressed forward to the end zone. He too was stopped as Mister Urns hurled himself at the ball, knocking the carrier down and saving a touchdown - for a moment. Out of the press of bodies came Dick Gozinia once more, thanking Adam Meway in passing for the diversion, picking up the football, and carrying it home for the touchdown.

Not a great deal of time remained in the first half, but the teams lined up anyway, just to see what might happen, and several things did. Dusty Tombs unceremoniously dumped Dick Gozinia into the crowd, for starters, though his adoring fans carried him safely back to the dugout. Even more startling was the completion of a pass by Khemri thrower Hork Ptah - that's three to date, folks. Impressive for a player with no actual muscles. Finally, before the whistle blew, the aforementioned Tombs was caught fouling a downed dwarf lineman, evidently letting his frustration get the better of him. At the half, the dwarves led the undead one to nothing, and neither squad seemed comfortable with the margin.

Returning to the pitch, both teams were ready to set in for a real battle. The Go'nads, defending their one point lead, knew they would need the perfect balance of strong guarding against the press of mummies and mobile secondary coverage to contain any skeleton that might squeeze through. The Blasters, for their part, would need to simply overwhelm the dwarves at every turn and cripple enough of them to make a break for the end zone and the tying score.

The dwarves kicked off, and Hork Ptah looked to retrieve the ball, but found his bony digits unequal to the task. Every lost second played into the dwarven defense's hands, and troll slayer Gil T. Azell exemplified that fact by dumping newcomer skeleton Blitz-Ra Sheik Yirbouti into the stands. Finally, Ptah managed to get a hold of the ball, and handed off quickly to Mister Urns, who made his way clunkyly upfield. Dick Gozinia made the move to stop him, but ran out of gas while going for that extra yard, giving Urns the opening he needed. Nearing the end zone, Urns was close to glory, so close that he could have tasted it if he still had a tongue. Urns was hauled down abruptly as Gozinia recovered from his spill, and blitzer Moe Lester recovered the football for the Go'nads. With time winding down and the line dwarves holding midfield, Lester coolly lofted the ball to Dick Gozinia, and the latter held onto it until the final whistle blew. The final score, one to nothing for the Smash and Go'nads: An upset, yes, but with greater upsets still looming on the horizon.

The match MVP awards go to Drew Peacock of the Go'nads, for his exceptional play on defensive guard duty, and to Gus Sarcopha of the Blasters. Now the Smash and Go'nads look ahead to face the high-flying Blackwater Bilgerunners in the group 1 semifinal match. You'll learn all about it, sportsfiends, once we cover the fourth and final quarterfinal contest between the Blueriver Wardoves and the Meathooks. Check back soon!

Dirt Bursters Take Out Takedown

With one of the four quarter-final matches in the books, we bring you contest number two - the returning champion Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters versus newcomers the Traumatic Takedown. it's easy to guess who the favourite was in this one, but don't for a second think that the chaos dwarves, centaurs and hobgoblins of the Takedown might simply have rolled over. They once again bulked up their line for this match, bringing in favourites like Morg N'Thorg and Zzharg Madeye to add some punch and pizazz. The weather was fine, the fans were roaring, and the first kickoff went to the Dirt Bursters.

The kick sailed high and slow enough for ghoul runner Chompsalot to get under the ball and catch it smartly. With that, the undead squad members set about their respective tasks, starting with Lez White the Wight. Whether for the intimidation factor or simply for the love of it, Lez crashed forward into a hapless journeyman hobgoblin, caving in the latter's skull and gorging himself on the soft, chewy center. Not to be outdone by his little buddy, Magut the mummy brought his wrath to bear on line dwarf Buster Kneecaps, though with less permanent results, only putting Kneecaps out for the rest of the game. With the ghoul rush in full swing, the Takedown looked to Morg N'Thorg for inspiration, as the star ogre used his superior size to knock out the plucky Lanks McBreak. The battle of attrition would be won by the Dirt Bursters, though, as the other mummy terror, Khermit, leveled Charlie Horse to the pitch, leaving medical staff to cart him away to heal in the off season. With the defense already dwindling, Chompsalot had no true obstacles to his first score of the game. 1-0 Dirt Bursters, with the crowd going wild.

Undermanned but hoping still to spring back, the Traumatic Takedown lined up to receive. The undead kickoff was exceptional, however, and Perry Carditis, the Takedown's hobgoblin quarterback, had a devil of a time getting on his way to retrieve the football. The Dirt Bursters, for their part, decided to press their current manpower advantage, and under the combined power of mummies, wights and zombies, the chaos dwarf defense crumbled. Blazing past Carditis went newcomer ghoul Bubtunk Bagrot, the controversial rookie who took over Ol Teabagger's #15 on the roster. Controversy was ignored by the Dirt Bursters fans, however, as Bagrot grabbed the ball and charged downfield for a quick second score.

Enough time remained on the clock, and the fans were bellowing for some last-second heroics, but unfortunately the half whistle blew before the Takedown could get organized on offense. Luckily, they would receive again at the start of the second half, hopefully to close the gap that the undead had opened up.

As the teams returned, it was evident that certain protocols of secret weaponry were being ignored, for the confident stride of Zzharg Madeye onto the field contradicted his apparent ejection after the first half. The refs were letting it slide, though, and the Dirt Bursters kicked off to restart the hostilities. Madeye must have missed the kickoff while jawing with an undead heckler, because the ball dropped right next to him without even so much as an attempt to grab it. The thunder of undead footsteps quickly reminded him of where he was, and after loading the ball into the muzzle of his blunderbuss, Zzharg fired the blackened squigskin downfield, into the waiting arms of hobgoblin catcher Plex Fracture. With most of the undead still stampeding down the pitch to get to Madeye, they had little time to turn and chase after Fracture, who ran through some remaining coverage and brought the Takedown within a point, putting up the touchdown for the chaos dwarves. As Zzharg Madeye returned to the dugout, the officials decided at last to eject him for good, and a scowling Madeye hurled his blunderbuss into the crowd in protest before being shown the door.

The Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, as many have learned, are never content to sit on a one-point lead, and today was no exception. The high kickoff went to Chompsalot, but the ghoul couldn't hold on for the catch. Picking the football up from where it lay, then falling in with the protection of his fellow ghouls and helpful wights, Chompsalot became the focal point of a nigh-impenetrable undead offensive push. Resistance came, of course, but was rebuffed at every turn. Stumps O'Boggy, the slow but certain dispenser of doom, laid out another hobgoblin journeyman and adding another notch to the body count. The mighty Morg N'Thorg, though strong and capable, was awash in a sea of rot, and was brought down in a heap by the feisty Lanks McBreak. Still more pain was to be perpetrated by the Dirt Bursters as Lez White earned his second casualty of the night, putting the Buccinator out of contention for the remainder of the game. Again, the chaos dwarf resources were exhausted, and again Chompsalot was given a free pass to the end zone, putting the score up to 3-1 and restoring the two point cushion.

Down but not quite out, the remaining members of the Traumatic Takedown took to the field with Morg N'Thorg front and center. As the kickoff went up, a bit of unregulated enthusiasm came out of the stands, as Ortho Pnoea of the Takedown was stunned by a chunk of disturbingly-aged cheese chucked from the second deck. No sooner than he had dropped to the pitch, a shot rang out from the opposite side of the field, as the fan who had recovered Zzharg Madeye's blunderbuss took aim and unloaded at wight blocker No Guts Bob. The shot, filled with an assortment of cutlery, rocks, gunpowder and toenail clippings, bored a watermelon-sized hole in No Guts Bob's, well, guts, and a necromantic first-response team carted him away to the sidelines. Luckily for Bob, he was indeed gutless, and recovered from the injury with ease.

Looking for a sure thing as he picked up the ball, Perry Carditis saw nothing but double coverage all over the field - not a receiver in sight! But, seeing the hulking from of Morg N'Thorg pummeling zombies led him to pass the ball in that direction. With a cry of "Hey! Morg!", the hobgoblin quarterback hurled a pass to the ogre, who caught it, shrugged with little enthusiasm, and began to wade through the bodies of his enemies in the direction of the end zone. Pushing and shoving his way through the line, Morg seemed like the only thing going right for the Takedown, as Khermit the mummy earned his second round of brutal approval by clobbering centaur runner Dead Leg and putting him out of commission. The undead line began to shift away from the fallen dwarves and hobgoblins to confront Morg N'Thorg, and there proved to be enough resistance as Magut knocked the big guy to the dirt. On the spot immediately was the ghoul Ned Gummers, who was well on his way to the end zone the moment he snatched up the ball. Before he made it there, Plex Fracture was called on a foul against a downed zombie, but it mattered little. Time expired as Gummers crossed the goal line, and the Dirt Bursters were on their way to a semifinals berth. The final score - 4-1 for the returning champions.

Match MVPs for this quarter-final bout were Dead Leg of the Traumatic Takedown, displaying remarkable agility for someone with so many legs to look after, and Lanks McBreak of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, who did the impossible in containing the mighty Morg N'Thorg almost single-handedly with timely blocks and tackles. Once again making a name for himself was Chompsalot the ghoul, who leaped and scrambled his way to two touchdowns in the contest.

Another day, another contender eliminated! Respect to the Takedown is due for taking on the champs in two consecutive matches, and we look forward to seeing more of them in the future! Tune in again soon for the next quarter-final summary!

A Double Dose of Doves! An Awful lot of Orcs!

It's your favorite Coach Wrangler here, taking a break from herding those havoc heralding homeboys who haphazardly head our favorite teams.

Once again, I'm scribing the following matches somewhat live from the best seats, whilst a P.A.G.E. scribes down what I say. That's a Pen Arcanely Granted Expatiation, the latest magical convenience I've acquired recently.

As I look around, I see the 21,000 fans piling into their seats below me. Only one third of these seem to be here to see the Brutakai Ragefangs, whilst the rest have arrived in their silvers, whites and blues to cheer on the Wardoves! The High Elves from Blueriver will have the fan support tonight, that's for sure!

The coin toss is made, and the Doves are up to kick first. A gust of wind blows the ball through the clear blue sky and lands right in the grass next to Krak Toothsnapper, a thrower. What luck for the Ragefangs! They're forming the cage right away around the ball, an always-smart maneuver for a tough band of Greenskins. The Doves have always had trouble with this one, but their Coach seems to have thought up a counter-strategy. Yes, he's setting the team up like a wall in front of the cage, with not even a lineman within arm's reach of the Orcs' frontmen. This is gonna be a slow one!

They march towards the Elven line, and I see Xarnak Bloodrage has burst through! The Doves' wall hangs back a bit and I see the Elves going to deal with the Ragefang Blitzer. Around the sides of the cage formation I see some Elves slipping around. Oooh! Star Catcher Tsih Killwillow just took a mean stomping from equally famed blitzer Raziek Bloodrage. Picking up the trash is elf blitzer Albiir Featherdeath, who slips into the back of the cage after knocking Line orc Holo Axegut out cold! He's face to face with ball-carrier Krak Toothsnapper.

Tsih is up again, and I see him scramble back around to fill in a gap left in the Wardoves' wall formation. By the gods! I can't explain it in any other way but...the cage formation just erupted into a green tornado! Violence aplenty, and most important to the orcs, that ruthless blitzer Featherdeath is well out of Krak's face now. Xarnak Bloodrage and rightly-named Brax Elfeater sandwich the hapless elven lineman Pynian Grassripper, and the Bloodrage Blitzer slips away and is mere feet from the Wardove end zone! The elven wall is crumbling, folks...

The Wardoves have thrown caution to the wind now, and a brawl has erupted deep in their side of the pitch. The Elves are focusing their blocking on Krak, who stubbornly refuses to give up the ball but...wait! The ball is loose! Krak has been knocked over and the ball is free! It's landed just outside of the fracas. Featherdeath got him back in the end, it seems. What was that wet crack I just heard? Ouch! It seems that Kragor Clawfang has put his 3-MVP winning fists to good work and sends elf catcher Angruil Grimmrose out. We'll have to see if the Apothecaries can get him back in shape.

The Ragefangs are showing the Doves just who is better in the blocking game here, and an impressive chain of blocks have shoved the elven defense out of the brawl. Orc lineman Rigor Stonestomper is in possession of the ball now. Ooof! Xarnak just took a spill, and there's line elf Stryth Leafmauler putting his cleats on his face! The ref didn't notice it seems. Ha! Them's the breaks Mr.Bloodrage! Krak is handed the ball again, and is suddenly beset by elves from all sides! Elf blitzer Fhorin Bloodmeadow comes out of nowhere and gives an impressive toss to Albiir Featherdeath who dekes out the last orc in his way before crossing the Ragefang end zone! That elf can sure run! Wow! 1-0 Wardoves!

I've just heard back from the Wardoves' infirmary that Angruil Grimmrose is back up and running for the next drive. And here it comes... though, to be honest there's not much time left on the clock for the first half.

Wardoves kick, and a quick snap from the Ragefangs allows line orc Ruushnak Nightwrath the chance to catch the kick and toss it to blitzer Raziek Bloodrage. A few blocks get thrown, even by the heartthrob Tsih Killwillow, who K.O.'s Xarnak Bloodrage. The Wardoves back-flip away from the orc line and as a lead in to some kind of halftime show, begin an impressive dance as the ref blows the whistle. You got served, Clan Brutakai!

Taunting an orc, however, is never wise. Especially with dance. It seems from now on this friendly rivalry will become a lot less civil. I'd watch my back if I was a high elf from Blueriver.

The orcs set up to kick for the first drive of the second half. This time the elves are on the ball with a quick snap. Potential Silver Elbow-winner Bendark Mossfang puts his foot on the ball while watching the rest of the team play their beginning tactics. Tsih smashes past the wide zone orcish line with an assist, stunning black orc Kozu Ironhide and slipping into the orcish defense. His efforts are met with a stunning blow from the orc gauntlet, a new defensive play by the Ragefangs. Raziek Bloodrage wipes the glitter off his hands and the orc captain calls his greenskins to keep the line steady.

Elves slip past the orc line from all sides, while elf thrower Mossfang kicks the ball nonchalantly into his hands and stays deep in his own side of the pitch. We know those keen eyes are just waiting for an open catcher. Orcs are surrounding the elven offense now, though I see Angruil signaling for a pass. Mossfang makes his throw! Or... wait! No! He's dropped it! Bendark's dropped the ball at his own feet! Black orc Kozu Ironhide plows into the elven thrower and I think he's unconscious. Xarnak Bloodrage, orc blitzer, nails Albiir Featherdeath to the ground and judging from the blood I think he's out for the game, folks. Raziek Bloodrage races in to scoop up the ball. The elven offense scrambles back to try to salvage the situation. Are those pointy-eared treehuggers fast or what?! Raziek is down, and the ball is free again. Mossfang is up and he picks up the ball with a steely look of determination on his fine features. He runs a circle around the orcish offensive line and... He doesn't pass it but hands it off to line elf Mlalyn Firefawn, who runs even farther up the field. He makes the pass to Fhorin Bloodmeadow! Touchdown! It's 2-0 for the Wardoves, and not too much time left for the Brutakai Ragefangs to turn this one around.

The Blueriver Wardoves set up for the next drive. They kick it high, and yet another quick snap by the Ragefangs starts off a fierce offensive drive. Xarnak K.O.'s new line elf Finchtalon and the orcs follow the powerful blitzer through the thin elven line. The Doves fall back again, in their third backpedal maneuver, to tie up the Bloodrage Blitzer Brothers. Krak Toothsnapper has the ball, and the orc thrower lobs a big one into the hands of Xarnak Bloodrage. Raziek takes a spill trying to get away from those pesky elves and he knocks his head too hard on the ground I think. He's out cold! The Doves' defense flock in and now Xarnak has been knocked flat. The ball is free, and now it's been picked up by Prok Fleshdrinker. He makes a pass to Kragor Clawfang who seems home-free for the touchdown, but...ohh! That was the whistle! Time's up for this game. Kragor crosses the line anyways, just to show how close he was. Maybe next time Kragor. The Wardoves keep their 2-0 victory against the Ragefangs.

MVPs for this match are being announced now... Stryth Leafmauler for the Blueriver Wardoves for his expertise at the art of Blocking, and Rigor Stonestomper for doing what he could when it mattered. Also of note is the increasingly accurate passes of Ragefangs thrower Krak Toothsnapper and of Fhorin Bloodmeadow with a signature dodge-ending dropkick sure to get him out of the shadow of the speedy Albiir Featherdeath.

I'll be turning off the P.A.G.E. now until the next match I'm scheduled to report. I'm even going to travel with the Wardoves to the next stadium. Should be quite a time!

... It's me again! Activating my trusty magical scribe. Now, to be honest... I didn't really enjoy my trip with the Wardoves. I won't get into details but it involved some strange-tasting wines, horses that smelled a bit TOO nice, and a make-over... for me.

For this next match, the Wardoves are going up against the acclaimed Meathooks in yet another challenge match. The game is taking place in a very impromptu stadium, as the main grounds detonated recently due to structural issues...I don't see how bad architecture can cause explosions, but there you have it. The game is taking place in the surrounding farmlands, and the fresh white paint of the lines is giving off that 'new pitch smell' that I'm sure will be quickly replaced with that 'new horrible sucking chest wound smell'.

Ye gods are there ever a lot of fans. I think the official gate is 35,000. Is that a record? It might be. I can't really tell, but the supportive cheers seems to lean slightly in the Meathooks favour. We'll see if it helps at all.

Still, I can barely see the field, and I'm still trying to find a good spot to watch and...oh! They've begun! I see the ball in the air after the opening kick. I can't even tell who kicked it. Um...this gentleman here says the Wardoves just kicked it. O.K....I'll take his word for it.

I caught a glimpse of the opening play, the orcs have cleared open the elven line and that lumbering troll and the goblin Hammish have moved up. Prince Moranian does an impressive attack and sends the monster to the ground. Hang on...Moranian is here?! It appears so... Goodness. I can barely see anything at all. Oh wait! I see Hammish flying through the air above the horizon of fans I have to contend with. He has the ball! Now everyone is cheering...um...I guess there was a Touchdown! Erm...1-0 Meathooks! Good show!

It's the next kick, I just saw it go up. Oh, hello ladies...I think I just landed in a Killwillow fan club of sorts. Quite the friendly bunch of maidens and...Why are they screaming? Oh my! It seems that Meathooks black orc T-Boner just killed line elf Mlalyn Firefawn! No...No wait...Their apothecary just put his head back on right...He still looks terrible though. Augh! More screams! Bendark Mossfang has just been killed by Ramrod Meatmissile of the Meathooks! No, wait. Apothecary on the scene again. Crisis averted. Ok, what's going on now? I just saw the ball being thrown by...who? By Albiir Featherdeath, the blitzer? Thank you miss, it seems elf catcher Angruil Grimmrose has caught it and crosses into the Meathooks endzone! The score is tied at 1-1.

My ears are killing me... Too many screaming women... It's like I'm back home. Ok, I see the next kickoff has begun. I'm watching this from the Meathook's dugout. I don't know how I got here, but it's a decent view. Biggs McStabstab throws the ball to goblin Bacon Sandwich. That troll tosses the poor whelp into the air and he crash lands! Oooh! What's this? Finchtalon, the newcomer, is making a dramatic elbow drop on the downed goblin! Oooh! Look at the blood! The ref saw that one, no doubt. They're bringing the broken greenskin midget in here. I'd better hide...

The apothecary is putting him back together, seems his head flew off. Duct tape will fix anything, for certain. The good doctor is going to tell the coach the good news. Ah, seems he was so happy the goblin survived that the coach is coming in here personally to... Oh! Gods no! He's stabbing him! The Meathooks coach is stabbing the poor Bacon Sandwich to death! He's standing over the cooling corpse and proclaims to the poor thing that he's fired. What a cold, unfeeling gree- Uh oh. He saw me. Yipes!

...

... Ok, I seem to be safe now. The half ended while I was running away. Seems the score is still tied at 1-1 at the beginning of the second half. I still can't see over the hordes of fans. I'm sure it's the orcs kicking, there goes the ball. I hear something, Bendark Mossfang, the elf thrower must have picked it up and I see the throw! Touchdown! By who? Oh! It was rising star player Tsih Killwillow! I can tell because I hear those maidens signing his theme song "Ode to Tsih, please sleep with me"... Not a very subtle theme is it? 2-1 Wardoves at any rate.

There goes the elves kicking the ball to the Meathooks. My word! Someone just tossed a rock into the fray! I think I saw Valandil Dreadlily take it in the head! He's down for the moment and Biggs McStabstab tosses the ball to Hammish the goblin. I see where this is going... No wait, no I don't. I wish these blasted fans could stop pushing me around! Meathooks fans are a little too handsy for me. I see Hammish in the air again with the ball! That troll must be well fed today! Ooh! I heard the crack! I don't think the poor thing landed right. The ref's blown his whistle! It seems Valandil was copying Finchtalon and elbow-dropped the fallen goblin a bit too obviously. Still, the game continues... I hear something... Yes! Meathooks touchdown! Hammish got back up and pulled off another tying score! It's at 2-2!

Orcs kicking again... I see the ball in the air. I hear the elf thrower Mossfang calling out his throw, and again I hear Angruil's returning cry. The ball is thrown and again we see a lightning fast touchdown in the very late seconds of the game. Though I guess I only heard that one... Anyway, 3-2 for the Wardoves! There's not but a few seconds left on the clock. The fans are already filing out...

Maybe I can just... Yes! I'm finally at the front of the crowd! I can see clearly the Doves' final play. They've only fielded three linemen against a full line of orcs. The troll and Hammish are on the Widezone, looking very determined still despite a clear loss. The elves in the dugout are already celebrating their third victory of the summer season.

Wait! Stop everything! Hammish has the ball, he's leaping into the troll's waiting grasp! Like hideous green poetry in motion, the goblin is flung through the air and he lands like a... Like a snot-covered tissue in the Wardoves endzone. It's a tie game! 3-3! Hammish turns and drops trou right before the faces of the gawking Wardoves, and makes some very rude actions I'm not sticking around to see!

That took a lot out of me... All that scrambling through the fans. I'm renting a flying carpet next time. Or maybe I'll just scry the whole game. In any case, the MVPs are being announced now. It's Tsih Killwillow for the Blueriver Wardoves, who's acrobatic display always leaves his opponents in the dust, and Beef Bigaxe for being exactly what you'd expect Beef Bigaxe to be.

Seemed like an exciting game, winning new attention for both teams. This is the MMBBL's official Coach Wrangler, the Magical Mister Mudd signing off. Coming up next, from your regularily scheduled reporter, is the final challenge match between the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and the Traumatic Takedown!

See you there! I'll be watching that one from home...

Skaven Start with a Bang, End with a Whimper

Challenge match action from the MMBBL coming at you, sportsfiends! This weekend, the Bloodsand Blasters, those shambling Pez dispensers of pain, made the challenge against the Blackwater Bilgerunners, the scrambliest eggs in the carton. Would speed and cunning make short work of slow and stupid, or would the unstoppable force turn its opponents into immobile objects? Only time would tell.

With the sun shining brightly down on the pitch and not a cloud in the sky, the two teams took to the field. The Bloodsand Blasters won the coin toss and elected to kick first, as their strategy seems to revolve around letting the opponent get all that scoring nonsense out of the way before the beatings can begin. The beatings certainly would begin, as it was evident early on that there wasn't even a referee on the field. Most likely, the officials were "encouraged" to take a long coffee break by the persuasive Blasters mummy corps. The show must go on, as they say, and so on it went.

Any nervousness on the part of the skaven may have been defused quite early as, after a quick pass from Fivel Mausketrap to Piddlepaw, the line rats set about throwing blocks. Stumptail, mustering every ounce of courage and getting a few key assists, took down the corpulent West Nile Cyrus, breaking the mummy's neck with a dry crunch. Dragged off the field by his teammates, it was evident that while the injury would not significantly effect the mummy in the long term, he would still be missing some time to get his spine in order. The Blasters made every effort to rob Piddlepaw of the ball, even stripping it from him briefly, but the wily critter was up again as soon as he was down, and easily scampered free for the first touchdown.

Now set t receive, the Bloodsand Blasters set about very defensive offense, choosing to protect the ball in the event that their creaking, bony fingers couldn't immediately pick the ball up. One doesn't need fingers to throw blocks, however, and the undead set about their usual brutal shenanigans immediately. Old Giza brought his mighty fists to bear on the aforementioned Stumptail, Exacting some revenge for his comrade by breaking the line rat's ribs. Soon thereafter, skeletal phenom Helter Skeleter got hold of Fivel Mausketrap, fracturing his leg and removing one of the Bilgerunners' best offensive tools from contention. The Bilgerunners wouldn't take all this lying down though, and after carefully setting up Durdurhotep, Brutus the blitzer shoved the mummy down in a heap. Though down, Durdurhotep was not out for long, and soon reappeared in the dugout groaning for his teammates. once again, the surprising Helter Skeleter put his stamp on the game, laying out Lamefist the line rat and putting him out of the match.

In all the confusion, however, the Bilgerunners had made their defensive strike. Racing out of harm's way and into the end zone went Squeesplat, and not far behind was the ball. The supremely-dodgey Dingleberry scooped up the ball where it lay after a desperation downfield throw by Hork Ptah, handed off to fellow gutter runner Piddlepaw, who tossed the football into the waiting hands of Squeesplat. It was now a two to nothing game in favour of the Bilgerunners, and with a slow-moving offense like the Blasters', the game might have been over already.

Taking the field confidently to kick off again, the skaven were caught by surprise when a quick snap gave the Blasters some extra momentum. A bewildered Piddlepaw, trying to get out of coverage, tripped up on some stray bandages and threw off the entire skaven defense. The gaffe proved costly as the alarmingly dangerous Old Giza brought his bony belligerence to bear. Tackling the hapless line rat Limpy to the ground, Giza followed up with a double eye-gouge that didn't stop at the eyes. Finally satisfied and covered in brain paste, Old Giza got up and resumed the match, while Limpy, needless to say, did not. As the crowd reeled from the spectacle, largely unnoticed was another casualty caused by Gus Sarcopha, as the skeleton laid out Gimpy, yet another line rat, who would not return to the match and spent the rest of the day mourning the loss of his teammate.

The halftime gong sounded, and never before had there been a sadder-looking bunch of skeletons and mummies. Just as they had gotten on a roll, the skaven were given an opportunity to regroup, and the scoreboard reminded them that while they had been successful in beating their opponents, their opponents were in fact beating them, collectively. Still, the score of 2-0 was overshadowed by the standing ovation given to Helter Skeleter and Old Giza for their impressive casualties, and a large round of laughs for Sahket Toomi, who had unfortunately lost his upper body in the carnage and somehow managed to throw a block or two as only a pair of legs.

As the two teams returned to the field, it looked as though each would return to its standard strategies. The skaven were shorthanded now, but still fast on their feet. The kickoff went to the Blasters once again, and aside from a brisk wind blowing by, all seemed to be proceeding as expected. Many fans, convinced that the skaven victory was secured, had even left early to beat the parking rush, and they would regret it.

Skaven blitzer Jenner opened the half by picking apart the oblivious lower half of Sahket Toomi, putting him out for the rest of the match. Toomi later commented on the hit. "I felt distracted and didn't see him coming. I don't know, I just wasn't all there for that one." Old Giza, inspired by or simply jealous of the success of the once-lowly Helter Skeleter, walloped Squeesplat with a massive shove and the line rat had to be carted off. Things started to get ugly fast, as Dirty Suez was tossed for an attempted foul on a downed gutter runner. Then, Twinkletoes was caught retaliating against a prone Cal Ciferous. The foul proved more costly for the Bilgerunners as Ciferous put himself back together with ease.

In an alarming turn of events, Hork Ptah of the Bloodsand Blasters managed to complete a pass to Dusty Tombs. Tombs took a moment to assess the situation, but eventually got underway and trundled past the depleted skaven defense for an unlikely touchdown. Now leading by only one point, the Bilgerunners needed to maintain control, or at least prevent the undead from getting another shot against the waning skaven forces.

What followed did not help their cause in the slightest. With a mere handful of players on the pitch, the skaven offense was easy to predict, and the Blasters got a jump on them as the play began. Openings were sealed and key players were tied up, and worse yet, the ball was in danger of being picked up by the undead again. The backbreaker for the Bilgerunners came from who else but the explosive Helter Skeleter, who lined up the fallen Brutus and kicked the blitzer squarely in the jaw. Though not permanently disfigured, Brutus was significantly maimed and could not return to the match. Up from the line and into skaven territory came Mister Urns, followed by a handful of skeletons, each hopeful of a chance at glory in the dying minutes. Urns, though meaning well, evoked such descriptive words as "inept" and "hopeless", but eventually Dusty Tombs managed to collect the football and hand it off to Cairo Practor. Practor was virtually unchallenged as he shambled in for the tying point.

With almost no time remaining for a comeback, the skaven were content merely to have survived the match without requiring a forfeit. With only three players remaining on the field, a high kick saw the ball collected by blitzer Jenner, and all the Bilgerunners had time for was a quick pass to Dingleberry before the final bell sounded. It was a wild one, and the final of 2-2 was a telling tale of two very different halves.

The game's MVPs were Cal Ciferous of the Bloodsand Blasters, for reasons not particularly evident, and Stumptail, who played valiantly until being rocked in the first half. Additional accolades go to Old Giza and Cairo Practor for their defensive sensibilities, Squeesplat and Helter Skeleter for their bone-crunching blocks, and Twinkletoes for being a dodgey, shifty, nigh-untouchable runt.

Week five action is coming up this Tuesday, as the formidable Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters take on the talented Blueriver Wardoves, and the slowly-recovering Blackwater Bilgerunners play the Smash and Go'nads. The is the MMBBL - by-weeks are for pansies! See you then!