Victory isn't Always Pretty

This Tuesday, the Blueriver Wardoves hosted the Razor Hill Spinebreakers to determine who would come away with the coveted Spike! Tournament trophy. The weather was fine and the crowd sufficiently rowdy, all that was left to do was flip the coin and let slip the dogs of war. The two big dogs on the field this day were the quick, agile, and well-groomed Prince Moranian, and the big, big and very big Ripper.

As the elves kicked off to the orcs, it became evident that more that the usual amount of dogs had been, as it were, let slip. The kick sailed out of bounds and, by some terrible happenstance, hit the recent winner of the Miss Blueriver Pageant square in the face, dislodging several teeth, bending her nose awkwardly, and blackening her eye beyond even the most desperate of mascara touch-ups. Enraged by this affront to beauty, the elf fans stormed the pitch, apparently deciding to blame this affront to beauty on the least beautiful things on the field, namely the Spinebreakers. As the dust settled, nearly three quarters of the greenskin squad lay half-conscious on the ground, giving the Wardoves a fantastic opportunity to steal a quick point.

Luckily for the orcs, a few competent players yet remained standing, including line orc Mok Rawtar, who got the ball out of the path of the onrushing elves and fell in behind a pair of blockers who miraculously remained on their feet. The Wardoves pride themselves on their mobility, however, and blitzer Albiir Featherdeath put that skill on display early, ducking in around the protection to knock Rawtar over and the ball loose. Now as the rest of the orc team came out of their collective daze, they began to crowd the ball and keep anyone at all from picking the thing up. Prince Moranian, seeing an opportunity to strike, burst forward and laid out orc blocker Kolark Bonefist, dropping the hefty fellow onto the ball itself. The football bounced and rolled about in the pile of bodies, until it eventually found its way into the sausage-like grasp of Mok Rawtar once more!

Once again, Albiir Featherdeath moved to knock the lucky line orc senseless, but this time Rawtar was ready for him, dropping the elf on his backside with a thud. The orc line pressed steadily forward. Tsih Killwillow then made a rush of his own, lining Rawtar up for a dropkick, but only succeeding in stifling the orc's pace for a moment. Still, the orcish line surged forward! Finally beinging their physical skills to bear against the elves, the orcs began to shape the drive the way they would like it, first as blocker Borgosh Hellrage put out Ellbin Ivythorn's lights, and soon after as Ripper singled out Prince Moranian from the press of bodies and stunned the elven star, further clearing a path for the orc runner. With a mighty heave the orc line surged once more, but the final charge that the elves were anticipating from Mok Rawtar never came. With a rare act of selflessness, the line orc handed the ball off to teammate Kiro Stormaxe, and of course, Kiro being Kiro, the blitzer was out of coverage like a bolt of green lightn ing and into the end zone for the first point of the game.

The Wardoves were not discouraged, however. An offense with their speed and grace would not be discoraged by the amount of time the orc drive had chewed up, and neither were they bothered when the Spinebreakers burst quickly over the center line on a blitz. With Prince Moranian plowing a path through the orcs' line, Tsih Killwillow and Angruil Grimmrose charged downfield like two birds of prey diving for a juicy Blueriver salmon. Several other elves made a move to surround and protect the football, and when Galthuk Battlewail laid a hit on Albiir Featherdeath, the elf blitzer calmly rolled with the hit, grabbed the ball from the gorund and ducked out of harm's way! Handing off quickly to the recently-returned Bendark Mossfang, Featherdeath provided protection as his quarterback hurled the ball downfield to the waiting Angruil Grimmrose, but the play was spoiled when Grimmrose failed to reel the ball in safely. The whistle blew and the half ended, with the Razor Hill Spinebreakers up one to nothing.

With play resuming, the Wardoves lined up to receive the kickoff. Quick movement on their part opened up the field for them early on, and the the kick was very deep, Bendark Mossfang was able to get to the football before the orc defense became a threat. With coverage pressing in, Mossfang made his choice and fired a pass to Tish Killwillow, but the pass drifted and fell to the ground. One can hardly blame Mossfang for the miscue, as he was tormented from start to finish on this drive by Godan Rockmaul, who shoved him down and kicked mud in his face at every opportunity. Away from the play, line orc Rok Straglash made his bid for most brutal play of the game by grabbing elf receiver Angruil Grimmrose by the shoulders and faceplanting him into the pitch. Grimmrose was in rough shape, but some attention from the Wardoves' medical staff fixed him up quickly. Tsih Killwillow, for his part, had no such trouble on his side of the field, cartwheeling past a blocker, leaping over the heads of two blitzers, grabbing the ball and dodging his way into the end zone, as well as the hearts of Blueriver Wardoves fans everywhere, tying the game at one.

With a high kick, the orc drive was back underway, and Kiro Stormaxe started things off by coolly fielding the kick and getting on his way up the pitch. The toweing Ripper lended a very big hand by knocking out line elf Bendyrm Cloudrender, and blockers Brakgul Bloodsnarl and Orok Deathbane did their part by crashing through the elves' defensive formation to set up the front side of a textbook orc running cage. The cage is strong, but never foolproof when the other side is just as determined as the cage team, and Prince Moranian proved this with a key blitz, wrestling a surprised Kiro Stormaxe to the dirt and freeing the ball to skitter away into the dogpile. A desperate grab by the freshly-returned Angruil Grimmrose was a bust, and the ball bounced on, this time into the waiting hands of Soran Steelfury. With a yell of triumph to alert his teammates, Steelfury triggered an herculean blocking frenzy which scattered the elf defenders left and right, clearing a path for the blitzer to dodge away from coverage and high-step his way over the goal line. Precious little time remained on the clock, and the moans from the saddened home crowd were drowned out by the roar of the visiting orc supporters.

The Wardoves, for their part, lost with grace. Pulling back from the line on the ensuing kickoff, Bendark Mossfang tossed a pass to Tsih Killwillow, and the Wardoves, without the time needed to make a nother trip to the end zone, bowed to their opponents as time expired. The Razor Hill Spinebreakers, roaring with the thrill of victory, had succeeded where so many other orc teams had failed. Honouring their ancestors and the entire orcish nation alike, this rough-around-the-edges group of green greenskins showed that, at least for today, Might does indeed make Right.

Despite the loss, the Wardoves have cause for celebration. Despite brutal injuries that would have sent lesser teams into a collective fetal crouch, the elves rebounded again and again from adversity, and one elf in particular had something big to show for it. Flanked by the gorgeous models from Spike! Magazine's "Swimsuit and Siege Weaponry" calendar, Tsih Killwillow was awarded the Spike! player of the year award. Look for his picture on the cover of Spike! next month, as well as his usual appearances in the Wardoves' calendars, posters, and limited edition collectors' plates!

MVP awards for the Spike! tournament finals went to Prince Moranian on the Wardoves' side, and to Galthuk Battlewail of the Spinebreakers for some keen, mean defensive play.

Talk about an underdog run, folks! Fighting their way through lizardmen, humans and elves, the Razor Hill Spinebreakers pulled through with just the latest in a long line of thrilling victories to claim their place in MMBBL history. Will they duplicate their success in the coming Winter season? Keep it locked on the MMBBL to find out!

Marathon Match: The Beard and the Beautiful

What a match! What a match, folks.

In the Deathdealer division finals this past week, with the Blueriver Wardoves visiting the Smash and Go'nads in a packed house at Fjord Stadium, MMBBL history was made as the longest match to date took double overtime to resolve. While we at the press office do our very best to convey the essence of the sport to you, we can truly say this time that for the full effect, you had to be there.

With regular favourite Prince Moranian taking the field with his elven comrades, and rookie line elf Kebler Fernblade making his debut, the Wardoves won the opening coin toss and chose to receive first. A high kick was fielded by Tsih Killwillow, and the offensive charge was spearheaded by Moranian, though the dwarves did well in holding the line. As Killwillow moved into the safety of a wide cage of offensive protection, Angruil Grimmrose coursed down the sideline on his familiar route. The dwarves began to show their might however, as Holden McGroin knocked out blitzer Fhorin Bloodmeadow and Gil T. Azell laid out Pynian Grassripper. With his protection collapsing, Killwillow left the pocket and dashed forward, leaving the Go'nads defenders in the dust before tossing the ball to Grimmrose, who was into the end zone for the first point before you could say "two-in-one shampoo and conditioner".

The following kick by the Wardoves was bad, and sailed out of bounds. Dick Gozinia started the play with ball in hand and began his march upfield. Leading the charge, of course, was the immense influence of Cludge Slamboni and his custom deathroller, the latter rolling right over the hapless Kebler Fernblade, putting the elf out of contention and likely eliminating his chances of competing through the rest of the playoffs. Intent on retaliating, elf blitzer Albiir Featherdeath charged headlong at dwarf runner Adam Meway, but would up knocking himself out when he was caught in the chin by Meway's helmet as the shorter player turned to face his assailant. Meanwhile, Dick Gozinia continued his steady pace up the middle of the pitch. Angruil Grimmrose made his bid to show his skill both defensively and offensively, leaping at Gozinia with the hope of knocking the ball free - but Dick stiff-armed the receiver into an early nap and kept wading through the pile-up towards his goal. nothing the elves could throw at him seemed to stick, and what's worse, Cludge Slamboni had turned his attentions to the talented Prince Moranian! With a sickening crunch, Moranian was trampled into the dirt, and was later dragged off-field and airlifted by wyvern to the Star Players' Special Hospital and Spa. With the way paved neatly as Herb Eaverstinks abruptly knocked out Tsih Killwillow, Dick Gozinia trundled his way into the end zone to tie the match at one apiece.

Little time remained int he opening frame, but the elves did manage to gain control of the ball, and the newly re-awakened Albiir Featherdeath managed a pass to Angruil Grimmrose before time expired. With an enthusiastic crowd and great efforts by both sides, the Deathdealer Division championship was looking like a great game already.

With the second half, many boos rained down from the elf sections of the audience, as the highly illegal Cludge Slamboni returned to the pitch. Later reports suggest that when the head referee noticed that every wagon close to his own int he parking lot outside was crushed to splinters, he decided that the deathroller was, in fact, a highly advanced form of protective codpiece. With the ruling, Slamboni wheeled his codpiece into place on the field and the second half was underway.

On the kickoff, the Wardoves were quick to jump out across half and make their move to get the ball before the dwarves knew what was going on. The dwarves were keen on this drive however, and Adam Meway had the ball securely under his arm by the time the elves were anywhere near him. From there, the Go'nads continued their punishing physical style of play, with Moe Lester and Achilles Punks knocking out Fhorin Bloodmeadow (again) and Ellbin Ivythorn, respectively. The tenacious dwarf guards seemed to have no trouble keeping the elf defense at bay, and when Albiir Featherdeath finally cracked the protection and made a hit on Adam Meway, the dwarf runner quickly dumped the ball behind himself into the waiting arms of the ever-alert Dick Gozinia. Unfortunately for him, Valandil Dreadlily was in the perfect position to drag Gozinia to the ground and knock the ball loose. Gozinia showed incredible resolve in getting back on his feet, blitzing through Dreadlily to the ball, and finally handing it off to blitzer Stu Padasso, who charged the rest of the way into the end zone, giving the Smash and Go'nads their first lead of the night.

With time of the essence, the Blueriver Wardoves now were in need of a point to keep their hopes alive. They got the help the needed in one form or another as, while Cludge Slamboni refreshed himself on the sideline, a handful of rowdy, presumably slightly-tipsy elves crashed through the South bleachers riding atop the deathroller! While most of the dwarves escaped their wrath, the Wardove Winos managed to knock a handful of them into a stupor, a situation which the elf team decided to take full advantage of. Storming over midfield, the elves quickly broke past dwarf coverage as Valandil Dreadlily got his hands on the football. Dreadlily then handed off to Dellin Finchtalon, who hurled the ball right to Tsih Killwillow, running in the clear down the sideline, catching the ball over his shoulder without stopping. Uncatchable at the best of times, Killwillow was unopposed in his run to the end zone, and with very little time left on the clock, it looked as though overtime were looming.

Again, the elves were moving quickly over the midfield line as soon as the ball was snapped. Luckily for the Go'nads, Adam Meway recovered the ball before a Wardove could lay a hand on it, and managed to hold on until time expired. To the delight of several thousand fans, this epic struggle would continue a while longer.

The Wardoves won the coin toss and began their drive in typical fashion, catching the defense off guard and immediately setting about their own style of play regardless of the opposition's tactics. Unfortunately for the elves, backup quarterback Valandil Dreadlily had some difficulty reigning in the ball from where it landed, possibly due to nerves. Eventually he got ahold of it though, and retreated with protection into the backfield while he waited for his receivers to get into the open. The receivers would prove to have a very difficult time of that, being literally up to their armpits in bearded defenders. It is, of course, nearly impossible to keep an elf caged for very long, and both Tish Killwillow and Angruil Grimmrose managed to squeeze out of coverage and burst downfield. The stalwart dwarves caught up though, and Tish was knocked face-first into the pitch, leaving only Grimmrose in relative clear.

Things were going well for the elves until another bout of bad luck and brutal impact struck. dodging out of coverage to make a play, blitzer Fhorin Bloodmeadow took a very ugly spill, and was carted off the field with a brace around his neck. It was later learned that Bloodmeadow had actually fractured several vertebrae, and was lucky not to be paralyzed. The unfortunate meaning for the Wardoves is that their star blitzer's season is effectively over. To make matters worse, Drew Peacock finally caught up with and leveled Angruil Grimmrose, leaving the elves with very little in the way of offensive options. Desperate for a play, Dreadlily threw the ball up for Albiir Featherdeath, but the catch wasn't made, and time expired on the first overtime period with the teams still deadlocked at 2.

Depleted in number, the elves were forced to kick off to the dwarves and do their best to stop the beardy tide. Elite runner Dick Gozinia was quick to recover the ball, cutting back inside to the middle of the field and lining up behind a veritable wall of dwarves. The Wardoves managed to briefly level the playing field when Valandil Dreadlily knocked out Stu Padasso, but the Go'nads paid the elves back with interest when Phil DeGrave put Albiir Featherdeath out of the match for good. With Dick Gozinia passing midfield, the elves needed a stop, and a stop they did get. Pynian Grassripper proved the hero of the day as he knocked Gozinia down and swatted the ball free, then picked it up and hurled it with hope to Tsih Killwillow, downfield in coverage. The catch was good, and Tsih broke free, only to be pursued by Adam Meway and nearly caught once more. Tsih had all the right moves, though, and after breaking from coverage again, crossed the goal line to give the Wardoves the lead once more. A quick look to the clock confirmed the elf team's hopes - there was simply no way the dwarves could answer in time.

The final plays of the game were not much more than a formality, and at the end of it all, with a surly home crowd skulking away, the Blueriver Wardoves and their fans rejoiced in this incredible victory, and punched their tickets to the finals, back home at the Battlefield of Good Sport!

MVP awards for the match went to he Smash and Go'nads' Holden McGroin, and to the Wardoves' Bendyrm Cloudrender. Also of note were catcher Angruil Grimmrose's striking display of toughness, and Dick Gozinia's equally startling maneuverability.

The finals! Wardoves! Spinebreakers! Orcs and elves! Nothing else needs to be said - all that remains is to do.

Slow and Steady Sees Dirt Bursters Through

And now, the other half of the MMBBL playoff whole! With the Smash and Go'nads waiting for their opponent in the finals, all that remained was for the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and Blueriver Wardoves to determine which of them was to advance and meet the dwarves for all the marbles. You all know the Dirt Bursters - winners of three straight tournaments and favoured to repeat. The Wardoves, however, are gaining quite a following with their unique combination of skill, speed and limited edition 8x10 glossies. The ugliest of uglies and the beefcake from Blueriver - who would get their trip to the finals?

To the delight of the elven fans in attendance, the impressive Prince Moranian had joined the Wardoves to aid in their fight for glory. The extra elfpower would be most welcome indeed, for after the Dirt Bursters won the coin toss, the referee was never seen again. Suspicion surrounds a particularly noisy section of the Dirt Bursters' fans, where a rather large zombie was spotted wearing black and white stripes that didn't fit him at all. In any case, a messenger was sent to find a replacement official. In the meantime, there would be no holds barred for the first half of this semifinal tilt!

After a stellar kickoff by the Wardoves, Ned Gummers retrieved the ball and quickly joined his teammates in a protective knot of undead bodies. Sticking to their zone defense, the elves recoiled and regrouped, providing no clean avenue for Gummers to make a run at the end zone. The downside would be that some elves would still need to take the brunt of the Dirt Bursters' wrath. First on the list was Stryth Leafmauler, knocked out cold by the ever-dangerous Chunk Norton. Not even mighty Moranian was safe, as Magut the mummy lined him up for a stunning smash. A shining chance came for the elves when Tsih Killwillow, heedless of the cries from his legions of admirers, leaped directly into the undead offense in an attempt to dislodge Ned Gummers from the safety of his teammates. The attack was a partial success, temporarily disrupting the Dirt Bursters' advance. Somehow, after the other undead players realized there was an elf among them, Killwillow survived by deftly leading his assailants to shove him back out of the box. Meanwhile, Chunk Norton was seen repeatedly fouling Prince Moranian, although no referee emerged to call him for it.

Any elf maiden who hadn't previously fainted upon witnessing Tsih Killwillow's near-suicidal leaping charge soon did as he attempted a second such attack. Once again the elven heartthrob hurled himself into harm's way, shoving Ned Gummers down the line, hoping that his teammates might find a chance to strike him. Unfortunately, the only major shoving was going in the opposite direction, as Albiir Featherdeath was dispatched by Khermit of the Dirt Bursters. Carted off the field in serious pain, Featherdeath was quickly revived by Wardoves medical staff who knew that they were in no position to start losing players. Finally having enough of the interfering dropkicks, wight No Guts Bob knocked Tsih Killwillow out and opened a hole through which the slippery Ned Gummers could squeeze. lurching down the pitch, Gummers scored the first point of the match near the end of the first half. To the joy of the Wardoves fans, every elf knocked on his bottom during the first drive was ready to battle once more. Unfortunately, time wound down soon after the undead kickoff, and the score remained 1-0 through halftime.

Once they took the field again, the Blueriver Wardoves made no illusions about their high-powered airborne offense. Nearly every eligible receiver went straight down the middle of the field, and the Dirt Busters threw themselves at the elves to slow their charge. Only so much can be done against the incredibly nimble Wardoves receivers, however, and Angruil Grimmrose was out of harm's way without so much as breaking a sweat. Bendark Mossfang's clear vision and smooth throw found him, and just like that the score was tied at one.

With a near-perfect kick, the Wardoves were back on the defensive, and with a knockout blow from Magut to Bendyrm Cloudrender, the Dirt Bursters were back on the offense. Chompsalot snatched up the ball and went into the now familiar formation of absolute protective advance. Still plowing the way was Magut, this time throttling line elf Dellin Finchtalon into the infirmary, where he was fortunately restored to game shape by the medics. A near-break in the undead formation showed midway through the drive, but no elf could capitalize on the minor miscue. Once again, out of the backfield came the leaping Tsih Killwillow,but the Dirt Bursters were prepared for his antics this time. Chompsalot dealt with the free-falling catcher with ease, and Killwillow was left stunned on the pitch while the undead continued to advance. Now desperate, the elves saw their line dwindle further as Magut knocked out yet another player, this time leveling Pynian Grassripper. The final low came as ghoul runner Bahnaynay clawed through a gap in Stryth Leafmauler's armour and brought his hand out with the elf's heart as well. With the occasional cry of "Ka Li Mah" from the nearby crowd, Leafmauler fell dead to the ground, and Bahnaynay tossed the heart nonchalantly to the sidelines. Fortunately the elf doctors had enough know-how between them to repair and revive the gruesomely gutted line elf. While they worried about saving a life, however, Chompsalot had broken free of the remaining elf coverage and given the Dirt Bursters the lead once more, with barely any time left on the clock.

With the game all but in the body bag, the Dirt Bursters kicked off and, to no one's surprise, there once again was no referee present on the pitch. This time, we can safely assume that the official wanted nothing to do with what might happen after this crowd got out of the stands. Even more convenient for the Dirt Bursters was the seemingly random appearance of a meteor on the elven side of the field. The meteor proved weaker than advertised though, and the completely unlucky Stryth Leafmauler simply passed out from heat exposure. Time ran out, the game was over. A two to one victory for the returning champions.

This match's MVP awards went to Khermit of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, and Dellin Finchtalon of the Blueriver Wardoves. After the match at a press conference, the Wardoves announced that line elf Mlalyn Firefawn had been moved from his on-field position to lead cheerleader for the ribbon-bearing Wardoves motivational dancers. He and a trio of comely elf maidens would round out the new cheer squad, a change in pace that we're sure Firefawn does not object to. The Wardoves also have announced the hiring of a quartet of assistant coaches to delegate the various aspects of their game. The Dirt Burster's for their part, announced that "Dwarf was back on the menu".

One more match remains, and it's the big one! Get your seats, get your popcorn, bring your jersey and your projectile weapons of choice! Tomorrow night, the BLOOD BOWL is on in the MMBBL! See you then!

Wardoves Edge Meathooks in Thrilling Fashion

And here we are, down to the last quarterfinal match for the MMBBL Blood Bowl tournament! In this brutal installment, the heavy-hitting Meathooks square off against the high-flying Blueriver Wardoves, led once more by the inspiring presence of Prince Moranian, for a berth in the group two semifinal. Who will prevail? Who will survive? Who will clean up the mess afterwards? Read on to find out.

As the fans piled into their seats, the pleasant weather began to blow through on a stiff wind from the South. Kickoff saw what little shade remained disappear, and as Meathooks thrower Biggs McStabstab went to pick up the ball, the sun turned its fury to face the pitch, raising the temperature well past the comfort zone of the players. The Wardoves summoned their few cool breeze elementals, and the Meathooks took turns sitting in the refreshment tub to beat the heat. As the drive began, some showed early signs of fatigue, as McStabstab collapsed on the pitch soon after retrieving the ball. Offsetting the mistake, however, were Beef Bigaxe and Moose Burger, each knocking out an elf and securing a numerical advantage. Dodging nimbly through the orc line, several elves made breaks towards the ball, but Biggs McStabstab, heat-crazed and delirious, managed to pick up the ball again, yell at it, and hurl it towards Hammish the goblin. Upon catching it, Hammish was surrounded by his teammates in a protective cage formation. With practiced skill that came from hours of diet training and upper body workout, Gristly Slötturhaus scooped the little guy up and hurled him downfield. Landing safely, Hammish went untouched into the end zone. My, but that goblin can move!

With most players enduring the heat but several succumbing, the two teams returned to the field for the next drive. As the kick went off and Bendark Mossfang went to start the offense, Ramrod Meatmissile began the defense with a blatant foul against Angruil Grimmrose and was ejected from the match. Mossfang, the league's leading passer, went about business as usual, finding Fhorin Bloodmeadow with a pass in the gap left by Meatmissile's departure. Perhaps his mind wasn't entirely on the game, or perhaps the heat got to him, but Bloodmeadow somehow managed to trip up on the goal line before I could get the ball across. Luckily, the orc zone defense was far behind him, and he was able to stand up, dust himself off neatly, wave to some lucky lady in the crowd, and walk the ball in for the tying point.

Lining up their defense, the Wardoves showed little interest in confronting the slower orc offense in the dying seconds of the first half. Leaving only the required minimum of presence on the line of scrimmage, the bulk of the elf forces stayed well back in the secondary. With Gristly Slötturhaus declaring the charge by clobbering Valandil Dreadlily, the orc line surged forward, only to be stopped in their tracks, puzzled, as the Wardoves began an elaborate dance routine. The stadium support crew quickly caught on, and the Meathooks could only look on as the elves mocked their latest assault until the whistle blew. In this latest battle between orc and elf, it was clear just who had gotten served. The two teams returned to their locker rooms, the score knotted at one.

Receiving once again to start the second half, the Wardoves put together yet another of their signature, lightning-quick scoring plays. Bendark Mossfang, having retrieved the football, surveyed the field from the safety of the pocket, as his receivers coursed like gazelles down the field. In particular, Tish Killwillow was eluding coverage masterfully, and was therefore the prime choice of receivers for Mossfang to connect with. One sailing, soaring pass later, the ball was in Killwillow's surprisingly soft hands, and he was in a bed of not surprisingly soft pillows laid down by the Wardoves cheerleaders, leaping into the end zone to the delight of his fans. Could the Meathooks respond?

With flash and theatrics uncharacteristic of orckind, they did just that. Play began, Biggs McStabstab relayed the ball to Hammish, and the diminutive scoring machine pointed out to a spot downfield. Was he calling the shot? an onslaught of orcish offensive line work obscured the ref's view as the Meathooks' newly-hired backup goblin, Pork Rind, scampered onto the field bearing one of Tsih Killwillow's pillows! The Wardove defensive coordinators attempted to alert the ref to the situation, but before they could flag him down, Hammish was airborne. Sure enough, he flew right towards the pillow-bearing backup. Landing softly in a mocking pose, Hammish touched down and strutted into the end zone, making several rude gestures along the way.

At last, the heat and haze began to dissipate, but only because the sun's intense heat was replaced by intense brightness. Still, most players gladly accepted the trade of sweltering heat for mere dazzling sunlight. Confident that a back-and-forth battle such as this was playing well into their strategy, the Wardoves again set up their offense. With Mossfang recovering the football and tossing a rocket of a pass downfield to Fhorin Bloodmeadow, everything seemed to be going right for the elves. Everything, that is, until out of nowhere, Beefquake the black orc got his big mitt in the way, hauling down the pass for an unthinkable interception. The Wardoves fans were in shock, and the Meathooks fans were in a frenzy! Stomping downfield in his steel-toed boots, Beefquake was rallied around by his teammates - until his own feet tied him up and sent the massive blocker down in a corpulent heap. Still hanging close to the play, Bendark Mossfang swooped in to pick up the loose ball, and launched a pass to Angruil Grimmrose without so much as a second glance. The catcher was true to his route, and was still where he should have been. Catching the ball, he was virtually unchallenged in claiming the go-ahead touchdown.

The fans had switched gears entirely now, with the Wardoves faithful whooping and hollering, while the Meatheads' cries of victory turned into wails of anguish. In the confusion, someone - no one is sure who - had disposed of the referee, and the Meathooks grinned widely as they set their offense one more time, eager to finally play a game on bloodier terms. Setting up for the obvious goblin toss, the orcs were countered by an equally obvious - but safe - goal line stop defense from the elves. Pork Rind, the plucky little goblin, was in place, given the ball, and quickly surrounded by his biggest, meanest teammates. Suddenly, from nowhere, came Tsih Killwillow, positively livid at the theft of one of his professionally-fluffed pillows. Breaking formation, the nimble Killwillow charged headlong at the well-protected goblin, and at the last second took a flying leap over the wall of green flesh in his way. Coming down hard, with no turning back, Killwillow extended his right leg and drop-kicked the hapless Pork Rind in the skull. All the goblin could do was grab hold of the leg and twist, and the two of them went down in a heap, Tish needing to be carted off and the goblin lying stunned on the pitch. With time running out and Pork Rind not back to his senses, rage overtook the orc offense. Gristly Slötturhaus grabbed the little fellow anyway and pitched him overhand downfield towards the elves, hoping to exact revenge with some measure of goblin-related injury. The throw missed its mark, and Pork Rind was left to sort himself out as the whistle blew and Wardoves fans flooded the field in victory. Onward go the Blueriver Wardoves to meet the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters in the semifinal match! Homeward go the Meathooks, this disappointing season behind them.

MVPs of the match were line elf Dellin Finchtalon of the Wardoves, who displayed fantastic speed all game long, and Grunt Skunchman of the Meathooks. If anything was learned on this day, it is that you do not, under any situation, come between an elf and his designer bed ware.

Now the semifinals are set, sportsfiends! Dwarves and Skaven, Elves and Undead! Who will advance on the road to victory, and who will be mere speedbumps along the way? Check back again soon to find out!

A Double Dose of Doves! An Awful lot of Orcs!

It's your favorite Coach Wrangler here, taking a break from herding those havoc heralding homeboys who haphazardly head our favorite teams.

Once again, I'm scribing the following matches somewhat live from the best seats, whilst a P.A.G.E. scribes down what I say. That's a Pen Arcanely Granted Expatiation, the latest magical convenience I've acquired recently.

As I look around, I see the 21,000 fans piling into their seats below me. Only one third of these seem to be here to see the Brutakai Ragefangs, whilst the rest have arrived in their silvers, whites and blues to cheer on the Wardoves! The High Elves from Blueriver will have the fan support tonight, that's for sure!

The coin toss is made, and the Doves are up to kick first. A gust of wind blows the ball through the clear blue sky and lands right in the grass next to Krak Toothsnapper, a thrower. What luck for the Ragefangs! They're forming the cage right away around the ball, an always-smart maneuver for a tough band of Greenskins. The Doves have always had trouble with this one, but their Coach seems to have thought up a counter-strategy. Yes, he's setting the team up like a wall in front of the cage, with not even a lineman within arm's reach of the Orcs' frontmen. This is gonna be a slow one!

They march towards the Elven line, and I see Xarnak Bloodrage has burst through! The Doves' wall hangs back a bit and I see the Elves going to deal with the Ragefang Blitzer. Around the sides of the cage formation I see some Elves slipping around. Oooh! Star Catcher Tsih Killwillow just took a mean stomping from equally famed blitzer Raziek Bloodrage. Picking up the trash is elf blitzer Albiir Featherdeath, who slips into the back of the cage after knocking Line orc Holo Axegut out cold! He's face to face with ball-carrier Krak Toothsnapper.

Tsih is up again, and I see him scramble back around to fill in a gap left in the Wardoves' wall formation. By the gods! I can't explain it in any other way but...the cage formation just erupted into a green tornado! Violence aplenty, and most important to the orcs, that ruthless blitzer Featherdeath is well out of Krak's face now. Xarnak Bloodrage and rightly-named Brax Elfeater sandwich the hapless elven lineman Pynian Grassripper, and the Bloodrage Blitzer slips away and is mere feet from the Wardove end zone! The elven wall is crumbling, folks...

The Wardoves have thrown caution to the wind now, and a brawl has erupted deep in their side of the pitch. The Elves are focusing their blocking on Krak, who stubbornly refuses to give up the ball but...wait! The ball is loose! Krak has been knocked over and the ball is free! It's landed just outside of the fracas. Featherdeath got him back in the end, it seems. What was that wet crack I just heard? Ouch! It seems that Kragor Clawfang has put his 3-MVP winning fists to good work and sends elf catcher Angruil Grimmrose out. We'll have to see if the Apothecaries can get him back in shape.

The Ragefangs are showing the Doves just who is better in the blocking game here, and an impressive chain of blocks have shoved the elven defense out of the brawl. Orc lineman Rigor Stonestomper is in possession of the ball now. Ooof! Xarnak just took a spill, and there's line elf Stryth Leafmauler putting his cleats on his face! The ref didn't notice it seems. Ha! Them's the breaks Mr.Bloodrage! Krak is handed the ball again, and is suddenly beset by elves from all sides! Elf blitzer Fhorin Bloodmeadow comes out of nowhere and gives an impressive toss to Albiir Featherdeath who dekes out the last orc in his way before crossing the Ragefang end zone! That elf can sure run! Wow! 1-0 Wardoves!

I've just heard back from the Wardoves' infirmary that Angruil Grimmrose is back up and running for the next drive. And here it comes... though, to be honest there's not much time left on the clock for the first half.

Wardoves kick, and a quick snap from the Ragefangs allows line orc Ruushnak Nightwrath the chance to catch the kick and toss it to blitzer Raziek Bloodrage. A few blocks get thrown, even by the heartthrob Tsih Killwillow, who K.O.'s Xarnak Bloodrage. The Wardoves back-flip away from the orc line and as a lead in to some kind of halftime show, begin an impressive dance as the ref blows the whistle. You got served, Clan Brutakai!

Taunting an orc, however, is never wise. Especially with dance. It seems from now on this friendly rivalry will become a lot less civil. I'd watch my back if I was a high elf from Blueriver.

The orcs set up to kick for the first drive of the second half. This time the elves are on the ball with a quick snap. Potential Silver Elbow-winner Bendark Mossfang puts his foot on the ball while watching the rest of the team play their beginning tactics. Tsih smashes past the wide zone orcish line with an assist, stunning black orc Kozu Ironhide and slipping into the orcish defense. His efforts are met with a stunning blow from the orc gauntlet, a new defensive play by the Ragefangs. Raziek Bloodrage wipes the glitter off his hands and the orc captain calls his greenskins to keep the line steady.

Elves slip past the orc line from all sides, while elf thrower Mossfang kicks the ball nonchalantly into his hands and stays deep in his own side of the pitch. We know those keen eyes are just waiting for an open catcher. Orcs are surrounding the elven offense now, though I see Angruil signaling for a pass. Mossfang makes his throw! Or... wait! No! He's dropped it! Bendark's dropped the ball at his own feet! Black orc Kozu Ironhide plows into the elven thrower and I think he's unconscious. Xarnak Bloodrage, orc blitzer, nails Albiir Featherdeath to the ground and judging from the blood I think he's out for the game, folks. Raziek Bloodrage races in to scoop up the ball. The elven offense scrambles back to try to salvage the situation. Are those pointy-eared treehuggers fast or what?! Raziek is down, and the ball is free again. Mossfang is up and he picks up the ball with a steely look of determination on his fine features. He runs a circle around the orcish offensive line and... He doesn't pass it but hands it off to line elf Mlalyn Firefawn, who runs even farther up the field. He makes the pass to Fhorin Bloodmeadow! Touchdown! It's 2-0 for the Wardoves, and not too much time left for the Brutakai Ragefangs to turn this one around.

The Blueriver Wardoves set up for the next drive. They kick it high, and yet another quick snap by the Ragefangs starts off a fierce offensive drive. Xarnak K.O.'s new line elf Finchtalon and the orcs follow the powerful blitzer through the thin elven line. The Doves fall back again, in their third backpedal maneuver, to tie up the Bloodrage Blitzer Brothers. Krak Toothsnapper has the ball, and the orc thrower lobs a big one into the hands of Xarnak Bloodrage. Raziek takes a spill trying to get away from those pesky elves and he knocks his head too hard on the ground I think. He's out cold! The Doves' defense flock in and now Xarnak has been knocked flat. The ball is free, and now it's been picked up by Prok Fleshdrinker. He makes a pass to Kragor Clawfang who seems home-free for the touchdown, but...ohh! That was the whistle! Time's up for this game. Kragor crosses the line anyways, just to show how close he was. Maybe next time Kragor. The Wardoves keep their 2-0 victory against the Ragefangs.

MVPs for this match are being announced now... Stryth Leafmauler for the Blueriver Wardoves for his expertise at the art of Blocking, and Rigor Stonestomper for doing what he could when it mattered. Also of note is the increasingly accurate passes of Ragefangs thrower Krak Toothsnapper and of Fhorin Bloodmeadow with a signature dodge-ending dropkick sure to get him out of the shadow of the speedy Albiir Featherdeath.

I'll be turning off the P.A.G.E. now until the next match I'm scheduled to report. I'm even going to travel with the Wardoves to the next stadium. Should be quite a time!

... It's me again! Activating my trusty magical scribe. Now, to be honest... I didn't really enjoy my trip with the Wardoves. I won't get into details but it involved some strange-tasting wines, horses that smelled a bit TOO nice, and a make-over... for me.

For this next match, the Wardoves are going up against the acclaimed Meathooks in yet another challenge match. The game is taking place in a very impromptu stadium, as the main grounds detonated recently due to structural issues...I don't see how bad architecture can cause explosions, but there you have it. The game is taking place in the surrounding farmlands, and the fresh white paint of the lines is giving off that 'new pitch smell' that I'm sure will be quickly replaced with that 'new horrible sucking chest wound smell'.

Ye gods are there ever a lot of fans. I think the official gate is 35,000. Is that a record? It might be. I can't really tell, but the supportive cheers seems to lean slightly in the Meathooks favour. We'll see if it helps at all.

Still, I can barely see the field, and I'm still trying to find a good spot to watch and...oh! They've begun! I see the ball in the air after the opening kick. I can't even tell who kicked it. Um...this gentleman here says the Wardoves just kicked it. O.K....I'll take his word for it.

I caught a glimpse of the opening play, the orcs have cleared open the elven line and that lumbering troll and the goblin Hammish have moved up. Prince Moranian does an impressive attack and sends the monster to the ground. Hang on...Moranian is here?! It appears so... Goodness. I can barely see anything at all. Oh wait! I see Hammish flying through the air above the horizon of fans I have to contend with. He has the ball! Now everyone is cheering...um...I guess there was a Touchdown! Erm...1-0 Meathooks! Good show!

It's the next kick, I just saw it go up. Oh, hello ladies...I think I just landed in a Killwillow fan club of sorts. Quite the friendly bunch of maidens and...Why are they screaming? Oh my! It seems that Meathooks black orc T-Boner just killed line elf Mlalyn Firefawn! No...No wait...Their apothecary just put his head back on right...He still looks terrible though. Augh! More screams! Bendark Mossfang has just been killed by Ramrod Meatmissile of the Meathooks! No, wait. Apothecary on the scene again. Crisis averted. Ok, what's going on now? I just saw the ball being thrown by...who? By Albiir Featherdeath, the blitzer? Thank you miss, it seems elf catcher Angruil Grimmrose has caught it and crosses into the Meathooks endzone! The score is tied at 1-1.

My ears are killing me... Too many screaming women... It's like I'm back home. Ok, I see the next kickoff has begun. I'm watching this from the Meathook's dugout. I don't know how I got here, but it's a decent view. Biggs McStabstab throws the ball to goblin Bacon Sandwich. That troll tosses the poor whelp into the air and he crash lands! Oooh! What's this? Finchtalon, the newcomer, is making a dramatic elbow drop on the downed goblin! Oooh! Look at the blood! The ref saw that one, no doubt. They're bringing the broken greenskin midget in here. I'd better hide...

The apothecary is putting him back together, seems his head flew off. Duct tape will fix anything, for certain. The good doctor is going to tell the coach the good news. Ah, seems he was so happy the goblin survived that the coach is coming in here personally to... Oh! Gods no! He's stabbing him! The Meathooks coach is stabbing the poor Bacon Sandwich to death! He's standing over the cooling corpse and proclaims to the poor thing that he's fired. What a cold, unfeeling gree- Uh oh. He saw me. Yipes!

...

... Ok, I seem to be safe now. The half ended while I was running away. Seems the score is still tied at 1-1 at the beginning of the second half. I still can't see over the hordes of fans. I'm sure it's the orcs kicking, there goes the ball. I hear something, Bendark Mossfang, the elf thrower must have picked it up and I see the throw! Touchdown! By who? Oh! It was rising star player Tsih Killwillow! I can tell because I hear those maidens signing his theme song "Ode to Tsih, please sleep with me"... Not a very subtle theme is it? 2-1 Wardoves at any rate.

There goes the elves kicking the ball to the Meathooks. My word! Someone just tossed a rock into the fray! I think I saw Valandil Dreadlily take it in the head! He's down for the moment and Biggs McStabstab tosses the ball to Hammish the goblin. I see where this is going... No wait, no I don't. I wish these blasted fans could stop pushing me around! Meathooks fans are a little too handsy for me. I see Hammish in the air again with the ball! That troll must be well fed today! Ooh! I heard the crack! I don't think the poor thing landed right. The ref's blown his whistle! It seems Valandil was copying Finchtalon and elbow-dropped the fallen goblin a bit too obviously. Still, the game continues... I hear something... Yes! Meathooks touchdown! Hammish got back up and pulled off another tying score! It's at 2-2!

Orcs kicking again... I see the ball in the air. I hear the elf thrower Mossfang calling out his throw, and again I hear Angruil's returning cry. The ball is thrown and again we see a lightning fast touchdown in the very late seconds of the game. Though I guess I only heard that one... Anyway, 3-2 for the Wardoves! There's not but a few seconds left on the clock. The fans are already filing out...

Maybe I can just... Yes! I'm finally at the front of the crowd! I can see clearly the Doves' final play. They've only fielded three linemen against a full line of orcs. The troll and Hammish are on the Widezone, looking very determined still despite a clear loss. The elves in the dugout are already celebrating their third victory of the summer season.

Wait! Stop everything! Hammish has the ball, he's leaping into the troll's waiting grasp! Like hideous green poetry in motion, the goblin is flung through the air and he lands like a... Like a snot-covered tissue in the Wardoves endzone. It's a tie game! 3-3! Hammish turns and drops trou right before the faces of the gawking Wardoves, and makes some very rude actions I'm not sticking around to see!

That took a lot out of me... All that scrambling through the fans. I'm renting a flying carpet next time. Or maybe I'll just scry the whole game. In any case, the MVPs are being announced now. It's Tsih Killwillow for the Blueriver Wardoves, who's acrobatic display always leaves his opponents in the dust, and Beef Bigaxe for being exactly what you'd expect Beef Bigaxe to be.

Seemed like an exciting game, winning new attention for both teams. This is the MMBBL's official Coach Wrangler, the Magical Mister Mudd signing off. Coming up next, from your regularily scheduled reporter, is the final challenge match between the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and the Traumatic Takedown!

See you there! I'll be watching that one from home...

Go'nads Go Big, Dirt Bursters Hold on for Tie

Here we are, a mere two weeks from playoffs, and still much of the future is up in the air! In Deathdealer division this week, two games with much riding on them took place as the Smash and Go'nads did battle with the Blackwater Bilgerunners and the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters squared off with the Blueriver Wardoves. Even weeks before the playoffs begin, these four forces can feel the do-or-die pressure building already. The only question? Who would do, and who wold die?

The Blackwater Bilgerunners, still recovering from their physical struggle with a handful of mummies, were down a few players and needed to call up a couple of rats from the practice squad to round out the team. From the very first kickoff, though, the skaven spirits were lifted as even though there were more dwarven fans on hand, the Bilgerunner supporters were loud beyond compare. The noise may have been more of a distraction than a help though, as the first pass from gutter runner Dingleberry to teammate Twinkletoes was bobbled and dropped. Twinkletoes quickly recovered from the blunder and sent the ball back to Dingleberry, who made good on the reception. With dwarf coverage coming down fast on him, Dingleberry got his foot tied up in a beard as he attempted to skitter free of danger and fell flat on his face.

Immediately on the ball to was Smash and Go'nads runner Adam Meway, who couldn't make much headway as both teams took several miscues during the broken play. Eventually the Skaven got their act together and put sufficient pressure on Meway for linerat Krunch to throw a block, and it turned out to be much more than just a block. Meway dumped the ball off on his way down, and Krunch, with a presence of mind not usually associated with the jittery Skaven race, smoothly reached out and reeled the ball in himself! Unfortunately, the rest of the dwarven line had finally caught up to the play by now, and Krunch was emphatically crunched by troll slayer Gil T. Azell. Blitzer Stu Padasso pounced on the loose ball and took a short stroll down to the end zone for the first point of the match. The boisterous crowd, once roaring for the Bilgerunners, was now erupting with song as the Go'nads faithful bellowed a drunken rendition of their team's anthem.

On the following drive, the Go'nads kicked off and stacked their defense to halt any last-minute shenanigans. Though there was time for Dingleberry to complete a pass to Twinkletoes, there wasn't time for much more. The half ended with the dwarves leading one to nothing, but with a whole new half to go it was still anyone's game.

Returning from the locker rooms and ready for action, the two squads took to the pitch once more. The Skaven kickoff left much to be desired, and though he missed the catch, runner Adam Meway was quickly on the ball and off down the field. As the defenders closed in on him, Meway lobbed the ball to his partner in crime Dick Gozinia, but the latter couldn't reel it in. Luck was with the dwarves however, as a failed pickup attempt by Gimpy the linerat saw the ball bounce right back into Adam Meway's hands. The dwarf march resumed with Meway being guarded on either side by Achilles Punks and Stu Padasso, making the crafty runner virtually untouchable. As the slow march continued, skaven tempers flared as the dwarf offense held its steady pace, until finally a quick pass from Adam Meway to a wide-open Dick Gozinia resulted in a touchdown. The dwarf crowd absolutely exploded, due to a combination of joy, beer and possibly dynamite. Up two to nothing, the Go'nads needed only weather the Bilgerunners' speedy offense for a few more minutes.

It didn't help the Bilgerunners' cause that they were still so angry from the last drive. Trash talking began brewing between the two squads as they set up for the next drive, and whatever was said must have hit home, be it comments about someone's mother's beard or someone else's peculiar looking tumor, because the players began to beat on each other before the whistle even blew! The debacle was sorted out quickly, due to the relative smallness of the Skaven and the entirely objective drunkenness of the dwarves, but time had still ticked off the clock and there was little hope for a full comeback by the Bilgerunners.

Regardless, the rats lined up for their drive. In contrast to the previous drive's sloppy kickoff, the Go'nads executed a gorgeous kick, and the ball came to rest in the furthest corner of the field. Still not dissuaded, the Skaven took their drive seriously. Piddlepaw retrieved the football and hurled it forward to Twinkletoes, who dodged a possibly disastrous hit before sprinting in for a touchdown. A small victory, however, as time ran out just seconds later. The final score was 2-1 for an elated Smash and Go'nads squad, finally experiencing the thrill of victory.

Match MVPs were Twinkletoes of the Bilgerunners for his notable blocking despite his diminutive stature, and Phil DeGrave of the Smash and Go'nads for his stellar defensive guarding.Also noteworthy were Dick Gozinia and Adam Meway, two halves of the same dwarven offensive whole and displaying impressive calm and focus when faced with even the tightest coverage. After the match, the Bilgerunners held a brief press conference to introduce their latest addition. The mighty rat ogre O'Rattigan was added to bring much-needed muscle to a speedy but underpowered Skaven squad.

The evening's second match brought the rising star of the Blueriver Wardoves into alignment with the blazing power of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, whose spark has long-since exploded into a winning streak which has spanned more than two full seasons. With a strong passing game keeping them afloat, the Wardoves have seen hardship in the receiver corps, with injuries plaguing the magnificent Tsih Killwillow and Sutlan Spearflower's stunning season being cut short by his grisly demise. The Dirt Bursters, for their part, have remained dominant, despite their recent pickups Clackers Rattlehead and Eric Shun contributing little to the cause but a couple of warm spots on the bench. To meet the challenge the Dirt Bursters posed, the elves had hired on not only the illustrious Prince Moranian, but the devastatingly distracting Eldril Sidewinder as well.

The contest would prove a challenge for both sides as a third competitor made its appearance - nature itself was taking a toll on the players as the heat and humidity were far above toe comfort zone for everyone involved. Young ladies in the stands swooned as the Wardoves took to the pitch, sweaty with effort. The undead had no easy time of it either, as soggy burial wrappings and hordes of flies plagued the Dirt Bursters both on and off the field. The undead were set to receive first, and the were nearly caught with their pants down as the unbearably beautiful Eldril Sidewinder practically stunned Khermit the mummy with his latest show-stopping pose, and the elven defenders flooded through the gap as Ned Gummers caught the high kick. Furious at his own lack of attention, Khermit helped himself to some deconstructive criticism as he leveled line elf Tanthil Twigbreaker, and the latter had to be removed from the pitch, unable to return. The elves pursued the Dirt Bursters' ghouls doggedly, but Gummers and company proved too wily for them, and Ned Gummers strode into the end zone to start the scoring.

Much to the elves' chagrin, both Eldril Sidewinder and Prince Moranian were left exhausted by the heat, and needed special care from the Wardoves' Bloodweiser Babes before they could return tot the pitch. Likewise, Stumps O'Boggy and Magut of the Dirt Bursters found themselves losing consistency and required time to properly congeal once more. Another high kick, this one to the elves, started the second drive, and ace thrower Bendark Mossfang caught the ball effortlessly. The Wardoves ran their patterns as well-oiled (coconut, we're told) machine, and with calculated precision, Mossfang connected with Stryth Leafmauler on a pass. Leafmauler danced through coverage and handed off to Albiir Featherdeath, who was unscathed as he scored the tying point.

Still the heat persisted. Though those previously out of commission had returned, new players succumbed to the sun's searing rays. Mlalyn Firefawn of the Wardoves was stricken, as were Chunk Norton and Clackers Rattlehead of the Dirt Bursters. The undead offense was quick to get started, and the kick sailed wide and resulted in a touchback, giving a significant advantage to the Dirt Bursters. Ol' Teabagger started the drive with a pass to Ned Gummers, but the latter became tied up in the elven defense. Even with the added push from his teammates, Gummers gained little ground, and the half ended before more points could be earned.

After halftime, once more the mighty Magut was unable to participate due to the oppressive heat. The Wardoves, however, had adapted to the weather by summoning a contingent of tiny air elementals, with several of the creatures attending to each player, providing a cool, refreshing sensation on their skin as well as an impressive breeze which danced through their well-styled hair. This time, the elves got the jump on the undead defense, and the surprise proved costly for the Dirt Bursters as Ned Gummers was laid out by Fhorin Bloodmeadow, and will likely be missing the next match as a result. Still, one ghoul down doesn't remove the other three, and soon enough Ol' Teabagger was chasing down Bendark Mossfang for the sack. Despite the ferocious coverage, Mossfang made no mistake in hitting Angruil Grimmrose with the throw, and the showy catcher backflipped into the end zone before spiking the football into the turf as the legions of sighing elf maidens looked on.

As the next drive began, at last the brutal heat broke under the weight of impressive stormclouds, and the world was a washed-out shade of gray as the rain poured down in buckets. For every fan in the stands who sought shelter, three more simply enjoyed the rush of cool water, and while the undead sections took on the grim mood of a gloomy cemetery, the elf sections looked decidedly more like a poolside party at one of Tsih Killwillow's post-game parties. Honestly, it's a wonder anyone actually paid attention tot he rest of the game. The Dirt Bursters were certainly paying attention, though, and the undead rush to the line on the kickoff was all the elves could handle in the driving rain. Squeezing through a gap with effortless ease, who else but the O.T.B. came through, ball clutched firmly under one arm as he booked it double-time for the end zone. When this ghoul puts what's left of his mind to something, it's very, very hard to make him stop, and the score was knotted at two sooner than anyone realized.

With time enough for another drive, the Wardoves were confident that they could pull off this upset. Unfortunately things started to go sideways for them as soon as the kick was off. And undead peanut vendor, furious that the rain had ruined his heretofore booming business selling blood-flavoured slush, hurled his small vendor cart over the guardrail and onto the unsuspecting head of Valandil Dreadlily of the Wardoves. Dreadlily was fine despite suffering a crushed helmet and a bruised ego, but the gap in the elves' offense would be costly. Lacking proper support, Albiir Featherdeath was overrun by the ravenous undead, and No Guts Bob brought the hammer down on him, putting him out for the remainder of the game. With the line depleted, the elves could only hope for a desperation play to win it for them, but it was not to be. The whistle blew and the final score stood at 2-2. The unbeaten streak for the Dirt Bursters lived on, but the win streak was finally over.

Match MVPs for this game were the Blueriver Wardoves' hard-working Fhorin Bloodmeadow and the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters' resurgent golden boy, Lanks McBreak. Further recognition goes out to Angruil Grimmrose, who was absolutely untouchable in the contest, to Dirt Bursters' mummy Khermit who redeemed himself for his early gaffe with a solid defensive presence, and to the O.T.B., whose steady play and careful ball-handling added to the legend. Amazingly enough, the fan presence for the Dusk Hill squad seemed diminished after the game. it could be that their loyalty lasts only so long as the victories pile up...or perhaps they just dried up and blew away before the rain hit.

Week five has almost drawn to a close, sportsfiends! This Sunday we'll have a clash of titans as the Dirt Bursters issue their challenge to the Meathooks, and a surprising return challenge as the Blueriver Wardoves call out the Brutakai Ragefangs once more! Look for more updates soon!

Electrifying Elves Shock Meathooks

Hello again out there, sportsfiends! The final game of the Chaos Cup season took place on Tuesday night, and although there was no championship to fight for, the Blueriver Wardoves and the Meathooks both had plenty of motivation to get the win. The Elven squad once again brought the illustrious Prince Moranian on board to even the odds against the more veteran orcish squad.

With the sun shining and a cool breeze in the air, the two teams took to the field. The Wardoves won the coin toss and elected to kick first, though it proved costly in the early going as the ball sailed out of bounds and possession was given to the Meathooks' one-orc wrecking crew, Beef Bigaxe. The elves saw no danger, only opportunity, though, as Bigaxe was swiftly gang-piled by the elves. Emerging from the fray was receiver Sutlan Spearflower, who hurled a pass downfield to Fhorin Bloodmeadow, but the blitzer was unable to reel the ball in due to coverage. Again there was a brief scramble for the ball, but this time it was Meathooks lineman Ramrod Meatmissile emerging with possession. He found fellow lineman Hamfist Goreguts with a quick pass, but history seemed in the habit of repeating itself this day, as Goreguts was brought down as well after making a small running gain.

After this latest failed drive, it was blitzer Albiir Featherdeath making the recovery for the Wardoves, and, determined to put as much distance between the ball and his own end zone, threw a deep, deep pass to Fhorin Bloodmeadow. This time, Bloodmeadow made the catch, only to catch his foot on a stone and topple face-first into the pitch while dodging out of coverage. Young orc blitzer Moose Burger echoed the tactics of the elves, chucking the football as far as possible downfield, and he was surprisingly rewarded when Biggs McStabstab, nominally the only orc with any business throwing a pass, caught the long bomb and scored the unlikely touchdown. The opening point got the orc fans on their feet and screaming, though McStabstab celebrated only by handing the ball off to his teary-eyed mother Gertrude, who had sideline seats to watch her boy play.

Now came the Wardoves' turn on offense. What might have been a great kick was once again blown out of bounds by a strong gust of wind, and Bendark Mossfang started the drive with possession and good field position. The Meathooks weren't about to concede any field position but "face down and unconscious" however, and Chip Bonesaw brought two-hundred-and-eighty pounds of solid work ethic down on the head of Venspar Pondrazor, putting the elf out for the remainder of the match. His sacrifice was not in vain, though, and the distraction of carnage allowed the elves a scoring chance. Mossfang sailed a perfect pass to Tsih Killwillow in the open field, and the light-footed catcher strode untouched into the end zone for a series of electrifying poses, much to the thrill of every elven maiden in the stadium.

With the score tied at one apiece, the next kickoff couldn't proceed right away until a replacement ref had been found. It seemed that Gertrude McStabstab had become upset about what she felt was a missed call, and had to be ejected from the game after beating the halfling official to within an inch of his life. Mrs. McStabstab was escorted out of the arena, and it is rumoured that she's been offered contracts from several teams as a blitzer. When the matter was finally settled, the Meathooks lined up their now-famous special delivery play, and despite intelligent coverage from the Wardoves, the goblin toss was perfectly executed, and Hammish landed within a quick jog to the end zone. Just like that, the orcs had re-established their lead.

The half finished with no more points, but a superb catch by Prince Moranian. Despite double coverage and who knows what kind of smell, the flashy Moranian hauled in a stellar catch, though there wasn't enough time on the clock to complete another play before the half.

When the teams returned to the pitch after a brief intermission, the fans were even more uproarious than before. Concealed by the din and commotion, no one took notice when a man in a beer-hat filled with Mana Up soft drink stood up and hurled a scorching fireball down onto the field. As it plummeted towards the orc line, Rip Steakface unknowingly let rip a terrifying belch, and somehow the cacophonous passing of gas coupled with the myriad chemicals present in the orc's gastrointestinal tract diffused the baleful ball of flame entirely. The entire crowd roared and cheered, but the oblivious Steakface simply licked his lips and took his place on the line of scrimmage.

What happened next was a textbook example of selflessness in the interest of team success. Let it never be said that Tsih Killwillow isn't completely devoted to the Blueriver Wardoves' group success. Facing a world of hurt should the tactic fail, Killwillow threw a key block to give fellow catcher Sutlan Spearflower a clear break for the end zone. Once Bendark Mossfang found him in the open, Spearflower was home free and the score was tied once more.

The orcs knew time was running short and that with careful managing of the clock, they could score the winning point without leaving enough time for the Wardoves to equalize. A quick snap on the kickoff started the orc drive off well, and with a handoff to Hammish it looked like another goblin toss was in the works. Unfortunately, mentioning the term "the works" may have broken the concentration of Gristly Slötturhaus, and the lumbering troll made his best effort to devour the little fellow. The wily Hammish was no stranger to massive appetites, and quickly scrambled loose from the troll's grip, only to be dropped unceremoniously behind him.

The elves, seeing the opportunity, charged forth to take the game into their own hands. Albiir Featherdeath made his move and bore down on the ball with a fury of determination almost palpable. Meanwhile, the orcish line seemed oblivious to the error on the throw, and the hulking T-Boner went about his usual business of crushing skulls for fun and profit. Today his brute force came to bear on Tanthil Twigbreaker, who suffered serious injuries in the ordeal but was restored by a quick trip to the team doctor. The orc squad slowly began to come around to what was going on, and Moose Burger attempted to salvage the play with a pass to fellow blitzer Beef Bigaxe, but the throw was off. Elf lineman Bendrym Cloudrender seized the free ball and sent it spiraling towards Tsih Killwillow in the open. Still, the orc line paid no heed, as evidenced by lineman Lockjaw who was more concerned with putting Pynian Grassripper on a stretcher. Though faulted for his ignorance of the actual play, Lockjaw gains credit for unquestionably dishing it out to the elf lineman, who was carted away to the medics for repairs. Dodging nimbly away from the onrushing orcs as they realized what was going on, Tsih Killwillow ran his second point of the match into the end zone, where the Wardoves' cheerleaders had laid a pile of downy pillows for their golden boy. rose petals flew everywhere, the crowd was awash in sighs, and Tsih Killwillow lounged in the adulation until the next kickoff was ready.

Now on the other side of the clock management game, the Meathooks needed to score, and score fast. The drive began with Pickles making the long pass to Hammish, who despite having almost been eaten on the last drive seemed determined to get it right. The frustration of losing the lead had gotten to several of the orc players though, and it showed early in the drive as Chip Bonesaw blatantly fouled Mlalyn Firefawn of the Wardoves. Firefawn was knocked unconscious, but Bonesaw was tossed from the match, keeping the playing field even. Next came the big play for the Meathooks. Slötturhaus made no move to consume his tiny comrade this time, and all was going well until it was time for Hammish to land. Whether the ground was uneven or the throw was shaky, the end result was a goblin stuck halfway into the turf. The ball squirted free and Fhorin Bloodmeadow pounced on it. Launching a desperation pass to perhaps pad the elves' lead, the ball was somehow snagged in midair by the usually-oblivious T-Boner. Whether he saw the pass coming or not, the ball was in his grasp. He didn't seem to notice, and continued to shove at Prince Moranian until the latter was pushed into the stands. Realization suddenly dawned upon the black orc, however, and he moved to get the ball to someone who could do something with it. Unfortunately the handoff failed. With time winding down, the orcs could only watch as the ball came to rest and the whistle blew. The final score, a 3-2 victory for the Blueriver Wardoves.

The match honours went to Albiir Featherdeath of the Wardoves and to Gort Crudhammer of the Meathooks. A nod goes out to the sneaky play of Lockjaw, who becomes the latest orc to adopt the ball-stripping tactics which his teammates exemplify. Additionally, it looks as though the orc T-Boner is the only player this season to record an interception, marking the second consecutive season in which the award will go to a highly unlikely recipient.

And that, sports fiends, is the MMBBL's Chaos Cup Spring season! You know what's coming next, don't you? That's right, the high heat of Summer brings with it the high adrenaline and scorching excitement of the Blood Bowl! With more teams entering the mix, it's sure to be the most electrifying MMBBL season to date! Check back soon for updates on the new squads and more! See you then!

Honour, Drive, and a World of Hurt

Tuesday night has come and gone, and with it came carnage, and with it went glory. Two orc squads, each coming off heartbreaking losses the previous week, faced off more in the interest of honour than victory. The hordes of undead competed with a host of elves, in what was truly a matter of life and death. What happened may shock you. It may offend you. However, it will most definitely thrill you.

The proud players of the Brutakai Ragefangs took the pitch against the Meathooks in game one, the former seeing in their opponents a vision of their glorious future, the latter a reflection of their own humble beginnings. The bulk of the attending fans were in support of the Meathooks, and the significance of this would be known right from the start. Electing to receive first, the Ragefangs prepared their offense, only to have their plans dashed as the crowd stormed down from the bleachers to throttle the teams. In a display of fanaticism the likes of which has never been seen, the Meathooks fans did the bulk of the pummeling and left more than half a dozen Ragefangs dazed in the dirt. Krak Toothsnapper attempted to salvage the drive with a pass, but fumbled the ball and could only watch as Beef Bigaxe of the Meathooks scooped it up and strode downfield for the score.

A terrible kick from the Meathooks on the next drive put the ball in Toothsnapper's hands, and he was quick to lob it to blitzer Raziek Bloodrage. Meanwhile, the incomparable Morg N'Thorg, who had been brought back on to assist the Ragefangs, was making Meathooks troll Gristly Slötturhaus miserable on the line, eventually knocking the big guy out for the rest of the half. With the Meathooks line in disarray, Bloodrage ran the ball down quickly for the touchdown. The score at the half was knotted at one.

In the second half, the Meathooks made their move for a quick score in their now trademarked electrifying way. After failing their first attempt at the goblin toss, which ended as Hammish the goblin was toppled by the charging, dodging Raziek Bloodrage, the ball was recovered by Lockjaw, who has shown an unusual knack for the quick pass as a lineman. As Hammish recovered, Lockjaw shoveled the pass to him, and before he knew what was happening, Gristly had him in his hands and hurled him downfield. Hammish hit the ground running and dove over the line to record the Meathooks' second touchdown.

The fury of battle upon them, the Ragefangs were quick once again in their response. After yet another terrible kick from the Meathooks, the ball landed within the grasp of Xarnak Bloodrage who, not to be outdone by his brother, made short work of the Meathooks defense and carried in the tying point. The fans were roaring - some with the thrill of such a high-skill game between two brutish orc squads, some with disappointment at the lack of any serious injuries sustained by either squad.

With plenty of time left on the clock, the Meathooks were confident that they could attain the next and decisive touchdown to carry them to victory. Their plans were snagged repeatedly, however, as the Brutakai Ragefangs' defense was both disciplined and effective. It didn't help that Beef Bigaxe was essentially alone in his charge downfield and seemed to have dunked his hands in butter before the drive began. Eventually, though, he overcame his clumsiness and with mere seconds to go, pounced on the ball where it lay in the end zone for the winning point. Any disappointment felt by the crowd was washed away by this incredible display, and both orc teams came away from the match with a sense of renewed will and great honour.

The match MVP awards were presented to Rip Steakface of the Meathooks for his key blocking throughout the day, and to Kragor Clawfang for the Ragefangs for his third such award in only four short weeks. It is assumed that the award may have gone to more deserving parties had Kragor not been particularly persuasive when speaking with the sponsors. Additional recognition was given to Hammish the goblin for his excellent ball handling, and to Pickles the thrower who showed remarkable arm strength at the quarterback position.

Our second game of the night had great ramifications - If the Dirt Bursters were victorious, they would effectively solidify their victory in the Chaos Cup tournament, with no other teams being able to match their total points. Their opponents, the Blueriver Wardoves, knew there was a lot at stake here, for the league as a whole. Would the undead reign supreme once more, or would the elves be a roadblock on their route to dominance?

With the illustrious Prince Moranian once again in the lineup, the Wardoves took the pitch for the first drive. The undead shambled out to meet them, and the whistle blew. Violence was the name of the game early on, as the towering Khermit smashed an unknown journeyman elf clear off his feet and out of the game, not to return. Refusing to be intimidated, however, the Wardoves set about the elimination of their opponent's threats - starting with the ghoul Blacky Gobbler. Albiir Featherdeath, quickly becoming a force to be reckoned with, caught Gobbler in something resembling a piledriver crossed with a cobra clutch, and when the dust settled, the ghoul was no more.

Out of the chaos, who should appear, but Ol' Teabagger on a mad dash towards the end zone. Unfortunately for him, the elves are faster than most of his previous opponents, and Featherdeath teamed up with Stryth Leafmauler to catch the wily ghoul before he could score the point. To their chagrin, however, they discovered that where there's one ghoul, others soon follow. Ned Gummers loped down the pitch, scooped up the lost ball and didn't look back as he strode into the end zone.

The very next possession, Ol' Teabagger really turned up the power and showed the elves just what running is all about. Hurtling down the field at a breakneck pace, did the O.T.B. see the man in the pointy hat and glitzy bathrobe stand up in the crowd and wiggle his fingers? He very well may have, because as soon as the clear blue sky was streaked with lightning coming down onto him, Ol' Teabagger somehow sidestepped the forces of nature and continued on his way. We have reports saying that the suspect wizard promptly stripped himself of his sorcerous attire and left to herd goats on a mountainside somewhere. The elves were in pursuit of Teabagger by now, but one of them was caught by the shoulder by the fearsome Magut. The mummy left Tanthil Twigbreaker ironically broken himself, and the two elves who did catch up to Ol' Teabagger would prove insufficient, as the ghoul leaped over one defender, dodged around the next, and dove across the goal line to the excited groans of thousands of undead fans.

The O.T.B. nearly scored again on an offensive miscue after the very next whistle, but Prince Moranian saw the play coming a mile away, and the half ended with the elf putting the ghoul on his backside, and the score a commanding 2-0 for the Dirt Bursters.

The second half began with a determined Wardoves team setting out to execute their own game, not simply tag along with however the undead wanted to play. Their conviction was evident early on as Bendark Mossfang's pass found Bendrym Cloudrender, who then handed the ball off to catcher Sutlan Spearflower, who burned a trail down the field and brought the game to within one point for the boys from Blueriver.

Unwilling to let the elves control the pace, the Dirt Bursters set about more brutal tactics in defense of their lead. Their first target was the high-profile Prince Moranian, and Chunk Norton ripped into him like he was full of candy. The Wardoves medical crew were quick to restore the talented Moranian, however. Resolved to get their point across, the other half of the zombie duo, Stumps O'Boggy, badly beat on Stryth Leafmauler, sending him to the bench for the remainder of the match. With the way cleared by his shambling cohorts, Ol' Teabagger made no mistake and hurtled back to the end zone for another Teabagger touchdown. He celebrated by eating a member of the grounds keeping crew.

Desperate to challenge this undead force, the Wardoves made their bid for a quick follow-up score of their own. All seemed lost when Chunk Norton came crashing through the line towards the ball, but his footing was misplaced (possibly his feet as well) and he fell to the ground mere inches from his goal. Sensing the opportunity, Bendark Mossfang threw projectile perfection into the hands of a mercenary catcher and just like that, the Wardoves were back within a point.

To the resounding booing of every elf fan on hand, the Dirt Bursters responded with measured, cautious, time-devouring play. Forming an impassable barrier around the ball, the undead gained possession and never let go. Time ran out, and the final score was 3-2 for the Dirt Bursters. With the victory, their upcoming final match against the Fly-by Knights becomes moot, as no other team in the league can approach their point total. With this win, the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters have secured the Chaos Cup and their third consecutive MMBBL victory. The remaining games will be played for honour, for pride, or for having little better to do in the time leading up to the Blood Bowl this Summer.

The match MVP for the Wardoves was Albiir Featherdeath, no doubt for his brutal dispatching of Blacky Gobbler, but also for the delicate, almost surreal maneuvering that took him there. The honour for the Dirt Bursters went to former thrall Tinny, who has seen much more success in death than he could have ever hoped for in life. Stumps O'Boggy continued his sudden burst of homicidal play and has shown the ability to put pressure on the faster, more agile opponents that he lines up against.

Four games remain on the schedule for the Chaos Cup season, and though the champion is effectively crowned already, there's still plenty more action left to see! Next on the plate is the aforementioned showdown between the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, who may rest some of their stars in the wake of their assured victory, and the Fly-by Knights, who remain committed to their personal goals in the absence of a shot at the title.

Wardoves Show Knights How to Really Fly

Hope you had a great weekend, sports fiends! We certainly did here at the MMBBL, because on Sunday (Sunday, Sunday...) the Blueriver Wardoves squared off against the Fly-by Knights in a battle of the two least bloody Blood Bowl teams on the roster. Or so it was thought.

They met on a sunny day, birds chirping, fans cheering, clouds rolling lazily on overhead. The first possession went to the Wardoves, who trained hard for this matchup and had even hired on the services of the illustrious Prince Moranian to give them a boost against the more veteran Knights squad. They also wrangled a freelance medic to prevent what surprisingly hasn't occurred yet - 0gre-related injuries.

The tables turned early on, however, as it was the elves who drew first blood on the pitch. Lineman Stryth Leafmauler crashed into the human defense and sent Wamsley Wedgeworth sprawling in a heap. He walked off under his own power, but did not return for the remainder of the game. Not willing to sit idly by and take what the elves dished out, hard-working Cyrano de Baggagerack of the Fly-by Knights sent Albiir Featherdeath for a ride that ended in the infirmary, where the walk-on elf medic quickly showed his quality. Featherdeath returned to the game on the next drive. Hostilities continued to escalate as Bendrym Cloudrender brought his rage to bear on Reginald Reginald III of the Knights, nearly killing him. The human medical staff worked hard, and though they saved his life, his career may be through due to the state his sternum was left in.

In all this chaos, the perceived threat of ogrely damage was not even a factor. Confused by the quick movement and nimble dodging of his foes, Barglesnart Livingstone became confused and did not contribute at all during the first half, aside from the occasional half-hearted shove. Taking advantage of this sizable gap in the human line, elf blitzer Fhorin Bloodmeadow sailed a pass to the energetic Stryth Leafmauler, and he practically walked into the end zone.

The Knights looked to rebound before the half was up, but failing to execute on a high-risk play proved costly, as lineman Mlalyn Firefawn recovered a lost ball and threw an absolute cannon of a pass to catcher Tsih Killwillow, whose adoring fans chanted his named just as he'd instructed them. The first half ended with the elf squad up a commanding two to nothing.

After the break, it was obvious that whatever the human coach had said to Barglesnart to get him focused was working. Singling out the lineman who exploited his lapse in defense, the ogre drove the elf into the dirt with an overhand smash that would make a tennis team collectively wet itself. Mlalyn Firefawn was removed from the pitch, his head sagging from atop his broken upper vertebrae, and sent to the infirmary to recover as best he could. What might have been a turning point for the humans became fuel for the elves' own fire as well. Albiir Featherdeath, fresh from his recovery and seething with contempt for all humanity, knocked over lineman Karl Von Uberstamp, to the great dismay of his "Karl Kares" section of the bleachers, where dozens of under-privileged kids come to watch their hero play. He was carried off, gave an encouraging thumbs-up and a "winneres useth notte suspicious substances in thee pursuit of victorye" message, assuring us that he'd be back for the next Fly-by Knights match.

As if spurred by his heartfelt message, Jacques Strappe - the poster boy for non-suspicious, hard-working means of self-improvement - ran Wardoves catcher Tsih Killwillow into the mud where his handsome countenance remained for several seconds before a stretcher crew came out to cart him away. What may have been the largest incident of collective spontaneous fainting ensued, as every elf maiden, and quite a few human ones, could not bear to watch their favourite calender man run down so. Strappe was increasingly booed for the remainder of the game as these distraught women gradually woke up, though when he removed his shirt between drives it seemed to quell the uproar. Non-suspicious self-improvement, indeed.

Energized by the elimination of one of their opponents' key players, the Knights rallied to come within a point of the elves as Lance Freely completed his third pass of the afternoon to catcher Stanley "Stainless" Steele. Steele took it right to the house and performed an elaborate victory celebration in which he staged a fake joust between himself and fellow Catcher Flash Madison, which ended in a high five and a hug. Cheers echoed from their fans, but they yet had work to do to close the gap.

In a desperate attempt to even the score with time running out, the Knights were nearly within reach, with who else but Steele running down the sideline. The elves would have none of it, though, and after lineman Pynian Grassripper sent the ever pesky Flash Madison down in a heap, the Wardoves converged and stripped Steel of the ball, and the Knights of any chance at a draw. The final score was 2-1 for the Boys from Blueriver, and they paraded off the pitch, led by Prince Moranian to an afterparty at his stately mansion on the outskirts of town.

MVPs for the match were Bendark Mossfang of the Wardoves, whose throwing was right on the money until the very end, when it was actually right off the money (though it didn't matter on the scoresheet), and Barglesnart Livingstone of the Fly-by Knights, who stood by his teammates in the second half and let no ill befall them while he was within arm's reach. Also of note this game were the elf catcher Tsih Killwillow, who may have let his elaborate ducking and weaving go to his head and will need a week or so to set his balance straight once more, and Knights catcher Stanley Steele who showed elf-like agility of his own on his sprint down to the end zone.

More action to come Tuesday, sports fiends, as we see a rematch from the Dungeonbowl championship when the Meathooks and Dirt Bursters collide! Also on tap is the battle of two feisty young teams, the Brutakai Ragefangs and the Smash and Go'nads, who aim to show their quality and make their mark on MMBBL. See you then!