Many Humans Died to Bring Us These Touchdowns

Apprehension was the word of the day when the Stargazin' Farmboys played host to the Bloodsand Blasters in the moist confines of Most Likely Swamp Port in the pungent town of Dago's Bog. While the human squad appeared at first to have the hometown advantage, this idea was quashed when hundreds of long-drowned and decomposing skeletons lurched out of the stagnant water and took their seats. Nevertheless, the stalwart Farmboys made their way to midfield and met their opponents, and came away winning the coin toss and choosing to receive first.

The brief meeting had given the Khemri squad the information they needed, however, and they shambled back to report to their coach that yes, they were in fact alive. With that to chew on, the Blasters' coach uttered his strategy to the team. "Make...them...dead." And with that brilliant strategy echoing through their cavernous skulls, the Blasters put their defense to work. The Farmboys offense seemed prepared as well, though new hire Flabba the Gut was experiencing a severe fit of the jitters. Starting things off quickly, human captain Duke Stywalker threw a perfect pass to receiver Willy Dee Billiams, who made a break outside to gain good field position. While Gut was still paralyzed with fear, his teammates set about turning the Khemri strategy against them, as blitzer Owen Lard came barreling up to the line and clear through Battering Ramses, one of the favourites to win the Commissioner's Medal for Exemplary Brutality this season. Ramses couldn't get himself back together without professional help, and was wheelbarrowed back to the infirmary for restorative incantations.

Looking to level the playing field again, skeleton Cal Ciferous laid a dropkick on the prone Bill Hootkins, and while the effort managed to stun the lumpy linebacker, an official caught Ciferous in the act and sent him packing. The ensuing gap in the Khemri coverage left Billiams with an opportunity to gain even more ground, and it looked like the touchdown was a sure thing. Some of the skeleton linemen seemed less concerned about him than they were about the squealing of Porky Hootkins, though, and Dusty Tombs was waiting for the lineman when he finally stood up, crashing into him from behind and doing unhealthy things to his twelfth, thirteenth and fourteenth vertebrae. Hootkins would be remembering this game for a long time to come, particularly when a cold blows through or if he ever tries to play a full round of golf.

With Billiams in the clear and his counterpart Dan Solitaire streaking to match pace, the wily catchers had almost outrun the skeletal defense. A quick handoff from the tiring Billiams to the fresher Solitaire put the point out of reach for the Blasters, but the Blasters themselves weren't especially concerned about the points. No sooner than Billiams had handed off the ball, an out-of-control Sahket Toomi came rattlin' and roarin' up behind, and he certainly didn't stop when he hit Willy Dee Billiams. Reportedly, the now-deceased catcher's last words addressed the unsatisfactory nature of his contract, but it was hard to tell, coming from the mouth of a man whose teeth had fatally migrated to his frontal lobe. Still, the sacrifice was not in vain, as Solitaire remained untouched and arrived in the end zone for the game's first point.

As time wound down after the ensuing kick from the Farmboys, bad turned to worse for the now-shorthanded human squad. Despite having no tongues, the Khemri had a taste for blood, and a very dangerous Dusty Tombs came screaming (again, metaphorically) up to the line of scrimmage to lay waste to a startlingly calm Ben-Ken Guinness. When all was said and done, naught but his armour remained, and the kickoff itself was largely ignored by both squads - the Farmboys were in mourning, the Blasters hoisting Tombs on their shoulders and parading him around - until the whistle blew to end the half.

With the kickoff coming to the Khemri once more to start the second half, and the deaths of two of the Farmboys fresh in their minds, the fans watched with bated breath to see if the human line would hold. The answer was quickly found as thrower Hork Ptah gathered up the ball, and the Farmboys defense began to collapse like a vampire's willpower at a "Miss Gothic" pageant. Ptah's pass to blitz-ra Sheik Yirbouti was dead-on, and as the mummies folded the humans off to one side, he proceeded practically untouched into the end zone to knot the score at one apiece.

No sooner than the grim prospect of a tie game had set in amongst the fans, the Farmboys were back on offense and ready to reestablish the lead. A speedy Carl Trepiaux started the drive off with a bone-crushing hit on Gus Sarcopha, carving a hole down the sideline for Dan Solitaire to break through. Thrower Duke Stywalker made no mistake on the pass, and the remaining Farmboys shored up a protective wall alongside Solitaire to guarantee a second point and renew the lead.

With one more desperate series of plays, the Blasters looked to end the match in a tie. Again the ball came to the hard-working Sheik Yirbouti, and fantastic displays of athleticism allowed his teammates to pile in alongside him as he charged down the pitch. The more mobile, agile humans played their defense well, though, and shored up the few gaps in their coverage, forcing Yirbouti into a tight squeeze that not even a man made of nothing but bone could squeeze through. The defense held smartly and time expired on the Khemri drive, with the Stargazin' Farmboys winning one in honour of their two fallen teammates.

Match MVP accolades went to Bruce Lard of the Farmboys for his presence in the defensive stand during the dying moments, and to West Nile Cyrus of the Blasters for hitting a lot of things all the time. Also of note was the frenzied play of Dusty Tombs, who gave one player a tackle to remember him by, and another a hit he wouldn't live to remember at all.

Mummy Bags Two Berserkers Early; Blasters Win on the Road

The third match from Tuesday's Bloodbath Division action saw the Bloodsand Blasters travel from their searing desert home to visit chilly Mjaddersen Skvar Garden to play the host Fjord Rangers. Needless to say, the turnout for the Norse squad was nearly double that of the undead, as historically, the two cultures have very little love for one another. The Blasters were the most experienced squad, and to account for the difference, the Rangers spent a lot of extra time on the practice field beforehand. Optimism abounded among the chilly fans of the Fjord.

That optimism was short-lived, however. As soon as the game was underway, with the Blasters receiving first, mummy Durdurhotep went on an absolute rampage. Making two consecutive blocks up on the line, he managed to injure both of the Rangers' berserkers one after the other! Dag Thoresen was soundly battered to the point of being unable to play out the rest of the game, while Olov Rudberg took some nasty damage to his ribs and is expected to miss the Rangers' next match as well. This near-instantaneous shift in numbers brought about some inspired play from the Blasters' usually suspect offense, with Hork Ptah hurling a pass to Sahket Toomi, who fell in behind a trio of skeletal helpers and shambled his way into the end zone for the opening score.

Down but not out, the Rangers put their own offense to work right away. A strong downfield pass from thrower Niklas Jannson was on-target, but slipped through the hands of runner Gjermund Forssell. It seemed like the Blasters might take advantage of the miscue, but instead they made an error of their own. Blitzer Sheik Yirbouti attempted a block against lineman Valter Franzen, but Franzen simply twisted the skeleton's bony hands until they popped off of his forearms, leaving Yirbouti useless for the rest of the game and almost certainly for another match, given how much time it will take for a specialist to get a look at this ugly case of Vorpal Tunnel Syndrome.

The Rangers weren't able to immediately cash in on this mistake as Jannson couldn't get a decent grip on the ball. Hork Ptah attempted to gain control of it, and succeeded, only to blow the pass to Dusty Tombs. needing to clear some space, ulfwerener Sigvard Hoglund laid out Cal Ciferous and howled to declare that he was open. Seeing the opportunity and managing to focus on the ball over the constant din of rattling bones, Niklas Jannson scrambled for the ball, popped his head and arm out of the pile and lobbed a pass to Hoglund, who charged his way home for the touchdown. Tie game!

Shortly before halftime, the two teams seemed to finally crack under the weight of their mutual dislike. Fouls began to erupt from both sides of the field, though Hork Ptah did manage a quick pass to Cal Ciferous before the whistle blew to end the first period of play.

The bad blood persisted after the break, and all pretense of a good, clean game was dropped as Niklas Jannson fumbled the ball on his first pass attempt. Eventually he got it back and tried another throw, but this time was inaccurate and missed his target by a country mile. Khemri mummy Battering Ramses took no notice, though, as he was too busy kicking and stomping on the Norse linemen. He managed to knock out both Valter Franzen and Jonas Mednick before the referee, approaching cautiously with a bucket of holy water, tossed him out. the damage to the Rangers' line, however, was already done, and the Blasters once again took advantage of the manpower advantage. A pass from Hork Ptah, his third of the game, connected with Cairo Practor, and the skilled skeleton scampered downfield to score.

As time wound down, a few half-hearted boots were dished out, but the game was essentially over. As the final horn blew, the Bloodsand Blasters walked away from Mjaddersen Skvar Garden with their first victory of the season.

MVP awards for this match went to Sahket Toomi, who threw a picture-perfect stiff-arm on his way in for the touchdown, and 9surprisingly) to Olov Rudberg, possibly for getting out while the getting was good. Additional marks go to Rangers' ulfwerener Sigvard Hoglund for his key blocking, as well as to Blasters mummy Durdurhotep for his little rampage early on, and thrower Hork Ptah for completing three passes despite not having any muscles to speak of.

Be sure to join us again soon for Bloodbath's final match report for this week.

Dungeonbowl Ramp-Up part 3: Bloodbath Division

Another season arrives, and the MMBBL gets a shuffling of teams once more. Some brand new, some returning from hiatus. Eight of these teams call Bloodbath Division their home, and we're about to meet them!


What still needs to be said about the Razor Hill Spinebreakers and their cinderella season? Coming out of the Scrabbled Lands, this band of tough-as-nails greenskins ploughed their way through the playoffs, knocking off lizards, humans and at last elves to capture their first championship. Led by the iron will of blitzer Kiro Stormaxe, the Spinebreakers look forward to defending their title this Winter. Stormaxe was heard to comment, "Da plan is da same. Play, win, repeat. If our game ain't broke, we don't fix it. If dem other teams' games ain't broke, we ain't got to 'em yet!"

Coached by Ryan Keizer. Arena rule: Dragon Egg: When a player fails to pick up the ball or is knocked down onto the ball, make an armour check on that player. If it breaks through, roll on the injury table, treating serious injuries as knockouts.

The Carnosaurs, after a disappointing playoff exit, are back and looking for a little revenge. Entering the new season with the third-highest team rating, these scaly scoundrels are primed to surpass their previous effort and make their run at the championship. Reporters attempted to get a statement from the immense Grimjaw the Wise, who, after taking several minutes to consider his response, uprooted a tree and threw it seventy yards into a concessions stand.

Coached by Jai Gagnon. Arena Rule: Bogged Down: Players may Go For It one less time than normal.

The surprise of the Summer season has returned! The squad that at first was unfamiliar with the very concept of scoring is back to educate the rest of the league on the rougher points of the game. Rumour has it that the Blasters did, in fact, show up for Blood Bowl Day, but no one wanted anything to do with them! When asked for comment, skeleton Cal Ciferous said "they know what's coming, but they only delayed the inevitable!". A team several thousand years old probably knows all about inevitability.

Coached by Matt Stroud. Arena Rule: Rock Solid: If a player is pushed out of bounds, the injury results in a knockout on a roll of 6-9, as opposed to the usual 8-9.


(ART NOT FINAL)

The Bleakwood Breakers hail from the elven realm of Mathora Mista, where they have honed their Blood Bowl skills since times of mist-fogged history. They played only once on Blood Bowl Day, and thusly remain an unknown factor, which is likely all a part of their plans. Thrower Elrohir Nolatari, when interviewed, left no room for interpretation of the Breakers' sentiments, stating that "this great sport has been sullied by artless brutes - undead monstrosities, vulgar orcs, dirty, smelly dwarves, and all manner of undesirable untalents. The Bleakwood Breakers will return a sense of class to the field."

Coached by Andrew Embury. Arena Rule: Stubborn Treant: At the start of each half, the kicking team places a Treant token on the pitch, along the line of scrimmage. This 2 x 2 token blocks line of sight and stops any pass scattering through it. it may not be pushed or displaced until the start of a new half or overtime period.

Taking a break from the usual shambling, moaning and generally being undead, the Deadites bring a quick, versatile offense to the division. Their prowess was evident early on Blood Bowl Day, as the impressive ghoul runner Klaatu Nikto ran for four touchdowns. A slight setback came in the loss of werewolf Come Get Some, but the remaining players, most of whom have such sketchy memories that they don't have actual names themselves, are committed to showing what necromancy can do when it puts what's left of its minds to it. Says wight blocker X Morte, "I'll swallow your soul!" Now that's enthusiasm, folks!

Coached by: Neil Davies Arena Rule: The Ball is Live!: Whenever a player attempts to pick up the ball, he or she must throw a block against it first. The ball has no skills and a strength of 1. If the result of the block knocks the ball down, it can then be picked up. If the result is a push, the ball scatters randomly. After a push result, the player may advance and try to block it again, if he or she has sufficient movement allowance remaining. These actions do not count as a blitz, but may be used as part of a blitz move.



Hailing from picturesque Koldnjard, the Fjord Rangers are a rowdy, enthusiastic sort. Fearless in the face of adversity, their lone Blood Bowl Day match was against the well-established Sun Temple Chupacabras. Their skilled, smash-mouth play style brought them a great deal of praise, and the MMBBL fandom in general is looking forward to seeing them take the pitch this week. Dag Thoresen, berserker and battle axe collector, spoke on behalf of his teammates. "Ja, ve gut sum gut expeeryence tuday. Ve ull jest vant tu git der seasun untervay und show wut ve can du." Truer, more ethnically convoluted words were never spoken.

Coached by: James Richards. Arena Rule: An Inspiration to us all: Whenever a player is seriously injured, that player's team gains a reroll token.

The A-Nile-Ators' origins are somewhat mysterious - all-female (a first for the MMBBL, which is a progressive, equal opportunity league) and also, composed entirely of animal aspects. From the lush, fertile lands surrounding the city of Ibisi, this nimble squad of femmes fatales may be too much for the monosyllabic menfolk to handle! According to the interestingly-named thrower La Nuclear Turnip, "we are prepared to let our skill do the talking. We are strong, proud, and capable of internal validation...though if someone told me that this sarong looked good on me I wouldn't mind."

Coached by: Valérie Cormier. Arena Rule: Land of Milk and Honey: Whenever a player is rolling to wake up from a knockout, add 1 to the roll.

Seventy-two years ago, in a swamp about a week away, the town of Dago's Bog was founded. It's chief exports have always been squash, peat and communicable disease, but now they're adding "Blood Bowl Action!" to that list. In a town filled with folk with more upper body muscles than brain cells and less scruples than a doppelganger in a beauty pageant, it would have been easy to assemble a group of thugs to play the game. Not so with the Farmboys, whose name in fact speaks of their character. The local government, hoping to improve their town's reputation, has selected their hardest-working, most starry-eyed young lads to bring an honest day's work to a town which views honesty as a four-letter word. As lineman Bill "Porky" Hootkins says, "I've got a problem here. No, no, no, I'm alright, I'm alright." Very laid back. Very professional!

Coached by: Jon Roth. Arena Rule: Scum and Villainy: When calculating inducements at the start of the game, each player may pay 100k to hire a "bounty hunter". A Bounty Hunter is a human lineman with the following abilities: Loner, Dirty Player, and Stab.

And that's Bloodbath Division this season! Check back again soon for Deathdealer's big mean six!

Go'nads Smash Their Way into Semifinals

Hello again, sportsfiends! Time for another playoff action update from the MMBBL. Today we've got the quarterfinal matchup between the Bloodsand Blasters, unlikely champions of the Bloodbath division, and the equally underdog Smash and Go'nads from the bottom of Deathdealer's barrel. Who's going to climb to the next level, the bones or the beards?

With excellent weather for the event, the Blasters elected to kick first and ask questions later. Though the majority of the fans on hand were wearing the beige and burgundy of the Go'nads, the Blasters' fans managed quite a racket for the kickoff to spur their team to victory. Unfortunately, it didn't pay off as almost as soon as the ball hit the turf, a handful of dwarves gang-piled West Nile Cyrus, knocking out the towering mummy and leaving a considerable divot in the field where he was felled. All over the pitch, more dwarves were taking the cue, dragging the bandaged brutes down to their level.

Meanwhile, runner Dick Gozinia was on the ball, quickly gaining midfield as fast as his legs could carry him. At last, the undead team's mummies got organized, and Battering Ramses laid a hit on Euin Whatarmy that was sure to keep the troll slayer out of contention for a while. The success was short-lived though, as line skeleton Dirty Suez's block on Adam Meway failed miserably, the dwarf instead grabbing the skeleton through the eye sockets and tearing his head from his spine. Bloodsand Blasters fans clamored for a facemask penalty, but none was assessed due to Suez' lack of a mask, or of a face, for that matter. Not even the skillful igor hired on by the Blasters could repair the damage, and Suez crumbled into dust as play went on.

The dwarves showed their superior skill in the face of the imposing Khemri might, and the mummies became too scattered to hope to preserve the defensive line. Desperate for a stop, a pair of skeletons managed to haul down Gozinia, but the alert runner deftly tossed the ball laterally to teammate Adam Meway, who pressed forward to the end zone. He too was stopped as Mister Urns hurled himself at the ball, knocking the carrier down and saving a touchdown - for a moment. Out of the press of bodies came Dick Gozinia once more, thanking Adam Meway in passing for the diversion, picking up the football, and carrying it home for the touchdown.

Not a great deal of time remained in the first half, but the teams lined up anyway, just to see what might happen, and several things did. Dusty Tombs unceremoniously dumped Dick Gozinia into the crowd, for starters, though his adoring fans carried him safely back to the dugout. Even more startling was the completion of a pass by Khemri thrower Hork Ptah - that's three to date, folks. Impressive for a player with no actual muscles. Finally, before the whistle blew, the aforementioned Tombs was caught fouling a downed dwarf lineman, evidently letting his frustration get the better of him. At the half, the dwarves led the undead one to nothing, and neither squad seemed comfortable with the margin.

Returning to the pitch, both teams were ready to set in for a real battle. The Go'nads, defending their one point lead, knew they would need the perfect balance of strong guarding against the press of mummies and mobile secondary coverage to contain any skeleton that might squeeze through. The Blasters, for their part, would need to simply overwhelm the dwarves at every turn and cripple enough of them to make a break for the end zone and the tying score.

The dwarves kicked off, and Hork Ptah looked to retrieve the ball, but found his bony digits unequal to the task. Every lost second played into the dwarven defense's hands, and troll slayer Gil T. Azell exemplified that fact by dumping newcomer skeleton Blitz-Ra Sheik Yirbouti into the stands. Finally, Ptah managed to get a hold of the ball, and handed off quickly to Mister Urns, who made his way clunkyly upfield. Dick Gozinia made the move to stop him, but ran out of gas while going for that extra yard, giving Urns the opening he needed. Nearing the end zone, Urns was close to glory, so close that he could have tasted it if he still had a tongue. Urns was hauled down abruptly as Gozinia recovered from his spill, and blitzer Moe Lester recovered the football for the Go'nads. With time winding down and the line dwarves holding midfield, Lester coolly lofted the ball to Dick Gozinia, and the latter held onto it until the final whistle blew. The final score, one to nothing for the Smash and Go'nads: An upset, yes, but with greater upsets still looming on the horizon.

The match MVP awards go to Drew Peacock of the Go'nads, for his exceptional play on defensive guard duty, and to Gus Sarcopha of the Blasters. Now the Smash and Go'nads look ahead to face the high-flying Blackwater Bilgerunners in the group 1 semifinal match. You'll learn all about it, sportsfiends, once we cover the fourth and final quarterfinal contest between the Blueriver Wardoves and the Meathooks. Check back soon!

The 2008 Blood Bowl Playoffs

Here you go, sportsfiends, the brackets for this year's Blood Bowl tournament! We've got some interesting stories brewing in the quarter finals here.

A: Bloodsand Blasters vs. Smash and Go'nads: This one could get messy! The dwarves are tough customers who can hold their own, but the mummies on the Blasters' squad will be looking to cause all kinds of havoc!

B: Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters vs. Traumatic Takedown: A rematch decided by fate, the Dirt Bursters are clear favourites. There's always a chance for a spoiler, though, and revenge, for the chaos dwarf squad, may be best-served as cold as the grave.

C: Blackwater Bilgerunners vs. Brutakai Ragefangs: This could be one of the most exciting match-ups to date, as the speedy skaven have hired on some muscle in the form of their new rat ogre, while the Ragefangs have really come into their own this season, displaying both skill and strength.

D: Meathooks vs. Blueriver Wardoves: Yet another immediate rematch, these two teams battled to an exciting three-all tie last week, and each has had a chance to test their strengths and identify their weaknesses in this latest chapter of the great struggle between elf and orc!

Pick your favourites! Taunt the enemy! Break out the team colours and shout your anthem proudly! The "A" and "C" games are set to kick off this weekend, and we'll be on hand to cover every thrilling touchdown, each bone-crushing tackle, and all the fun of the MMBBL's first Blood Bowl Summer tournament!

Skaven Start with a Bang, End with a Whimper

Challenge match action from the MMBBL coming at you, sportsfiends! This weekend, the Bloodsand Blasters, those shambling Pez dispensers of pain, made the challenge against the Blackwater Bilgerunners, the scrambliest eggs in the carton. Would speed and cunning make short work of slow and stupid, or would the unstoppable force turn its opponents into immobile objects? Only time would tell.

With the sun shining brightly down on the pitch and not a cloud in the sky, the two teams took to the field. The Bloodsand Blasters won the coin toss and elected to kick first, as their strategy seems to revolve around letting the opponent get all that scoring nonsense out of the way before the beatings can begin. The beatings certainly would begin, as it was evident early on that there wasn't even a referee on the field. Most likely, the officials were "encouraged" to take a long coffee break by the persuasive Blasters mummy corps. The show must go on, as they say, and so on it went.

Any nervousness on the part of the skaven may have been defused quite early as, after a quick pass from Fivel Mausketrap to Piddlepaw, the line rats set about throwing blocks. Stumptail, mustering every ounce of courage and getting a few key assists, took down the corpulent West Nile Cyrus, breaking the mummy's neck with a dry crunch. Dragged off the field by his teammates, it was evident that while the injury would not significantly effect the mummy in the long term, he would still be missing some time to get his spine in order. The Blasters made every effort to rob Piddlepaw of the ball, even stripping it from him briefly, but the wily critter was up again as soon as he was down, and easily scampered free for the first touchdown.

Now set t receive, the Bloodsand Blasters set about very defensive offense, choosing to protect the ball in the event that their creaking, bony fingers couldn't immediately pick the ball up. One doesn't need fingers to throw blocks, however, and the undead set about their usual brutal shenanigans immediately. Old Giza brought his mighty fists to bear on the aforementioned Stumptail, Exacting some revenge for his comrade by breaking the line rat's ribs. Soon thereafter, skeletal phenom Helter Skeleter got hold of Fivel Mausketrap, fracturing his leg and removing one of the Bilgerunners' best offensive tools from contention. The Bilgerunners wouldn't take all this lying down though, and after carefully setting up Durdurhotep, Brutus the blitzer shoved the mummy down in a heap. Though down, Durdurhotep was not out for long, and soon reappeared in the dugout groaning for his teammates. once again, the surprising Helter Skeleter put his stamp on the game, laying out Lamefist the line rat and putting him out of the match.

In all the confusion, however, the Bilgerunners had made their defensive strike. Racing out of harm's way and into the end zone went Squeesplat, and not far behind was the ball. The supremely-dodgey Dingleberry scooped up the ball where it lay after a desperation downfield throw by Hork Ptah, handed off to fellow gutter runner Piddlepaw, who tossed the football into the waiting hands of Squeesplat. It was now a two to nothing game in favour of the Bilgerunners, and with a slow-moving offense like the Blasters', the game might have been over already.

Taking the field confidently to kick off again, the skaven were caught by surprise when a quick snap gave the Blasters some extra momentum. A bewildered Piddlepaw, trying to get out of coverage, tripped up on some stray bandages and threw off the entire skaven defense. The gaffe proved costly as the alarmingly dangerous Old Giza brought his bony belligerence to bear. Tackling the hapless line rat Limpy to the ground, Giza followed up with a double eye-gouge that didn't stop at the eyes. Finally satisfied and covered in brain paste, Old Giza got up and resumed the match, while Limpy, needless to say, did not. As the crowd reeled from the spectacle, largely unnoticed was another casualty caused by Gus Sarcopha, as the skeleton laid out Gimpy, yet another line rat, who would not return to the match and spent the rest of the day mourning the loss of his teammate.

The halftime gong sounded, and never before had there been a sadder-looking bunch of skeletons and mummies. Just as they had gotten on a roll, the skaven were given an opportunity to regroup, and the scoreboard reminded them that while they had been successful in beating their opponents, their opponents were in fact beating them, collectively. Still, the score of 2-0 was overshadowed by the standing ovation given to Helter Skeleter and Old Giza for their impressive casualties, and a large round of laughs for Sahket Toomi, who had unfortunately lost his upper body in the carnage and somehow managed to throw a block or two as only a pair of legs.

As the two teams returned to the field, it looked as though each would return to its standard strategies. The skaven were shorthanded now, but still fast on their feet. The kickoff went to the Blasters once again, and aside from a brisk wind blowing by, all seemed to be proceeding as expected. Many fans, convinced that the skaven victory was secured, had even left early to beat the parking rush, and they would regret it.

Skaven blitzer Jenner opened the half by picking apart the oblivious lower half of Sahket Toomi, putting him out for the rest of the match. Toomi later commented on the hit. "I felt distracted and didn't see him coming. I don't know, I just wasn't all there for that one." Old Giza, inspired by or simply jealous of the success of the once-lowly Helter Skeleter, walloped Squeesplat with a massive shove and the line rat had to be carted off. Things started to get ugly fast, as Dirty Suez was tossed for an attempted foul on a downed gutter runner. Then, Twinkletoes was caught retaliating against a prone Cal Ciferous. The foul proved more costly for the Bilgerunners as Ciferous put himself back together with ease.

In an alarming turn of events, Hork Ptah of the Bloodsand Blasters managed to complete a pass to Dusty Tombs. Tombs took a moment to assess the situation, but eventually got underway and trundled past the depleted skaven defense for an unlikely touchdown. Now leading by only one point, the Bilgerunners needed to maintain control, or at least prevent the undead from getting another shot against the waning skaven forces.

What followed did not help their cause in the slightest. With a mere handful of players on the pitch, the skaven offense was easy to predict, and the Blasters got a jump on them as the play began. Openings were sealed and key players were tied up, and worse yet, the ball was in danger of being picked up by the undead again. The backbreaker for the Bilgerunners came from who else but the explosive Helter Skeleter, who lined up the fallen Brutus and kicked the blitzer squarely in the jaw. Though not permanently disfigured, Brutus was significantly maimed and could not return to the match. Up from the line and into skaven territory came Mister Urns, followed by a handful of skeletons, each hopeful of a chance at glory in the dying minutes. Urns, though meaning well, evoked such descriptive words as "inept" and "hopeless", but eventually Dusty Tombs managed to collect the football and hand it off to Cairo Practor. Practor was virtually unchallenged as he shambled in for the tying point.

With almost no time remaining for a comeback, the skaven were content merely to have survived the match without requiring a forfeit. With only three players remaining on the field, a high kick saw the ball collected by blitzer Jenner, and all the Bilgerunners had time for was a quick pass to Dingleberry before the final bell sounded. It was a wild one, and the final of 2-2 was a telling tale of two very different halves.

The game's MVPs were Cal Ciferous of the Bloodsand Blasters, for reasons not particularly evident, and Stumptail, who played valiantly until being rocked in the first half. Additional accolades go to Old Giza and Cairo Practor for their defensive sensibilities, Squeesplat and Helter Skeleter for their bone-crunching blocks, and Twinkletoes for being a dodgey, shifty, nigh-untouchable runt.

Week five action is coming up this Tuesday, as the formidable Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters take on the talented Blueriver Wardoves, and the slowly-recovering Blackwater Bilgerunners play the Smash and Go'nads. The is the MMBBL - by-weeks are for pansies! See you then!

Chaos Dwarves Weather Khemri Storm; Ragefangs Best Meathooks in Thriller

Week four is underway in the MMBBL, featuring the bone-crushing exploits of the Bloodbath division. Two divisional matches took place last night, as the Bloodsand Blasters squared off against the Traumatic Takedown and the Brutakai Ragefangs faced the Meathooks in a highly anticipated all-orc showdown.

Game one was a quick and dirty affair, marked by multiple miscues on each side. Still, as the first meeting of the two newcomer teams in Bloodbath, it was an exciting contest and the fans ate it up. The chaos dwarf fans, anyway. The skeletal supporters at least had something to chew on.Winning the coin toss, the Takedown elected to receive first. Shorthanded due to the death of line dwarf Third Degree Bernie, a hobgoblin journeyman was brought in to fill the gap, and fit in well enough with his fellow hobs from the get-go.

To start off their possession, Ortho Pnoea lobbed a pas forward to Busitis "Bruce" Olecranon, who chose his running route carefully and patiently, waiting for the right moment to burst downfield. The moment came as Mad Maxilla, frothing at the beard and hooting like a maniac, sent skeleton lackey Gus Sarcopha sprawling to the dirt with a broken jaw. Olecranon seized the opportunity and was a blur down the sideline, with the much slower Khemri forces either oblivious or too slow to stop the score. To the delight of the crowd, hobgoblins Pnoea, Olecranon and Perry Carditis joined together for an emphatic high-fiving in the end zone. Mad Maxilla attempted to assist the festivities, but came up short and had to settle for congratulations from the voices inside his head. After the play, Sarcopha was seen once again on the Blasters' sidelines, having regenerated completely from the wound.

as the next drive started, disaster seemed to strike for the Blasters. The once sunny sky turned dark with rain, and the Khemri team, hard-pressed to pick up the ball even in normal conditions, now had even less of a chance to get their bony fingers around the football. As luck would have it, however, the kick from the Traumatic Takedown was shallow and short, and resulted in a touchback. The ball was given to Cairo Practor, and the Blasters' skeletons quickly moved to surround and protect their chosen carrier.

Now came the powerful mummies to make up for their disappointingly passive performance in their first match. The hits came down hard from the bandaged brutes, knocking out dwarves, hobgoblins and even the mighty centaur Charlie Horse. As the defenders dwindled, Cairo Practor shuffled steadily down the field. The Khemri demonstrated their brutal and unapologetic nature, pressing their newfound numbers advantage and fouling the Takedown with impunity. The officials had been warned beforehand that this was their style, and as a result both Cal Ciferous and Sahket Toomi were ejected from the match for some blatant kickings and stranglings. With the odds no longer so favourable, Cairo Practor stumbled into the end zone as fast as he could, and the score was knotted at one apiece.

To the dismay of the Bloodsand Blasters, the weather began to clear up again once the next drive began. Compounding their chagrin and also the Takedown's joy, nearly every dwarf and hobgoblin who'd been sent off for a nap by the mummies had awakened and returned to the field. The small mercy for the undead was that apparently, Charlie Horse had been hit hard enough to remain asleep. The second half was underway with a truly mediocre kick from the Blasters, making for an an easy pickup and toss by Plex Fracture to the unnamed journeyman. The unfortunate reserve then handed off to Busitis Olecranon, and just in time. No sooner than he had released the football, the hobgoblin was set upon my a frenzied Helter Skeleter. Skeleter, motivated by some possessive force, tore both of the unlucky fellow's arms from their sockets before crushing his skull and absorbing his life force completely. While this soul-stealing may be repulsive to some, it makes for some great water cooler conversations the next day!

The Khemri maiming spree didn't end there. West Nile Cyrus, the bloated, shambling team captain, tackled dwarf blocker Spleenic Pain hard enough to put him in traction for his team's next match. Shortly thereafter, Dirty Suez mauled Plex Fracture and dragged him to he Takedown infirmary himself, tossed him into a cot and muttered "This one ain't done yet" before returning to the game. Fracture did not return before the match's end. With time winding down and not enough line support to break through to the end zone, Bruce Olecranon lobbed a sort one to Perry Carditis and the whistle blew right after the catch. The final score, a one to one tie, but not a bad game by any stretch for either squad.

The MVPs of our first match were the towering Charlie Horse of the Traumatic Takedown, presumably for not being significantly maimed, and Durdurhotep of the Bloodsand Blasters, presumably for threatening the announcers if they said otherwise. When asked how they felt about their dubious awards, Horse responded with a confident "ow", while Durdurhotep bellowed "Daah, my touch corrupts the living!" And proceeded to cover our correspondent with dust. After the match, it was learned that each team had spent its considerable winnings on new players. The Blasters now have a dedicated thrower in the addition of one Hork Ptah, while the Takedown get bigger, meaner, and smellier by signing a second centaur named Dead Leg.

Our second match of the evening was one of the most highly anticipated of the season - green versus green, orc against orc, as the Brutakai Ragefangs and the Meathooks, each coming off a loss, clashed for bragging rights among all orckind. The Ragefangs were tough, but didn't think themselves invincible, and therefore hired on the enormous Ripper Bolgrot to tip the scales for them.

The Ragefangs were set to receive in the clear, warm evening air, though the chants of "D-fence! D-fence!" from the crowd may have soured the mood for them a bit. It certainly didn't throw off the game of Kozu Ironhide, as the black orc throttled Meathooks lineman Lockjaw, putting him out of commission for the Meathooks' next match with an ugly arm fracture. This garnered most of the crowd's attention, even as Krak Toothsnapper hurled a pass to Raziek Bloodrage, who caught the football with practiced ease. The skilled blitzer took off down the field, as all around him Meathooks defenders scrambled, fell, and could only watch as Raziek stormed into the end zone, conveniently posing in front of a poster for his recently-sponsored flavour of sports drink, Razberry Rush. A refreshing start to the game for all those Brutakai "Ragefans" indeed!

The wind picked up a bit as the Meathooks got ready to receive on the next drive, but the errant ball was still scooped up by the plucky Hammish with relative ease. Running quickly into place behind teammate Gristly Slötturhaus, Hammish was picked up by the lumbering troll and chucked down the pitch in a textbook example of a troll having already eaten before the match. Hammish hit the ground safely, but found himself in the midst of the Ragefangs secondary. As quickly as he had landed, Hammish began to regret it as Raziek Bloodrage and Kodish Manhammer bore down on the stunty fellow, sandwiching him and knocking the ball loose. Picking up the lost rock was Gor Knifelicker, who might have made something of a play if not for the distraction caused by Xarnak Bloodrage when the blitzer took a spill at midfield and had to be carted off. Out of the chaos on the line of scrimmage came Beef Bigaxe, the meaty marvel himself, to rob Knifelicker of the ball on his way to the end zone. Raziek made his move to stop the more experienced player, but was shrugged off by the hulking Beef. Bigaxe then had an easy run to the end zone and the score was brought to a tie as the Meathooks captain was showered with assorted delicious (if not identifiable) meat by-products.

With little time left in the first half, a high kick from the Meathooks was caught by Krak Toothsnapper, but without time enough for a sustained drive. The halftime whistle sounded with the score tied at one, and the crowd loving every minute of it.

With the start of the second half came another drive by the Meathooks. A quick snap caught the defense off guard, and Pickles made his move to secure the ball. His handoff to Hamish subsequently failed, however, as the previous mashing dealt to him by the Ragefangs seemed to have left Hammish rattled. Hammish did recover the ball eventually, but was knocked on his backside by Rigor Stonestomper, and the ball bounced neatly back into the line orc's hands. Unfortunately for Stonestomper, the moment was short-lived as Moose Burger came crashing into him from the side, knocking him out cold. Again, Hammish struggled to get ahold of the ball to pass to a wide-open Rip Steakface, but fumbled once more! Kozu Ironhide pressed his advantage in the confusion, sending Hammish reeling and the ball bouncing freely, in and out of the stands, before being picked up by Raziek Bloodrage once more. With the pesky ball out of the way, Ironhide was once again free to pick on Hammish, and the little fellow was hurled into the stands. Luckily he landed among Meathooks fans, who merely teased him as they tossed him down the line to the dugout. Seemingly unstoppable as he cruised down the field, Raziek Bloodrage scored his second touchdown of the match, sending a message to the rest of the MMBBL which clearly said "MVP".

With little time to dilly-dally, the Meathooks looked once more to Hammish to carry their hopes through the cooling evening air. Taking the handoff well from Pickles, Hammish was expertly lobbed to his destiny by Slötturhaus once more...only to completely bail on the landing. Though unharmed beyond a mouthful of dirt, the failed landing gave the Ragefangs a chance to intensify coverage, and in the end, they left the Meathooks no option but to accept defeat. The final score was two to one for the revitalized Brutakai Ragefangs.

MVP accolades were awarded to Raziek Bloodrage of the Ragefangs (a more deserving performance we have yet to see this season) and to T-Boner of the Meathooks, who threw many key blocks in the loss. While the Deathdealer division is being led by the heavily favoured Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, the Bloodbath division is still completely up in the air, with the Bloodsand Blasters owning a narrow lead and the veteran Meathooks sitting in a distant third spot. Anything can happen in the next few weeks, though, so stay tuned for more bone-crunching, blood-letting, and ear-pulling action!

Brutal Brawls Out of Bloodbath

This past Tuesday saw the Bloodbath division of the MMBBL kick off its Blood Bowl regular season, and brutality was the name of the game in both cases.

Game one saw the Bloodsand Blasters rise up to meet the green juggernaut of the Meathooks. Fielding four mummies and a handful of skeletons, the Blasters were nearly a match for the swelling ranks of the Meathooks in terms of strength. To tip the scales, Ramtut III was brought in to contain the mighty Gristly Slötturhaus, and for added carnage, the professionally deranged Hack Enslash was brought on board with his trusty, rusty chainsaw. The weather was gorgeous, and the prevailing wind came from the legions of Meathooks fans who greatly outnumbered those who came to see the Khemri squad. The undead won the coin toss and elected to receive first.

As the ball came down, it seemed as though both teams forgot it was even in play. As the match began, foul after unrepentant foul was committed by both sides, and only Gus Sarcopha of the Blasters and Lockjaw of the Meathooks were ejected from the game by the officials. Immediately afterwards, mummy Durdurhotep throttled the mighty Beef Bigaxe, knocking the blitzer out for the remainder of the game. Indeed, much of the game devolved from the usual fare of coordinated, planned-out plays into several isolated brawls all over the pitch. In the confusion, a pass attempt by skeleton Mister Urns went largely unnoticed when it failed to even leave his bony hand properly. Still, the carnage played on and with help from his teammates Dusty Tombs and Helter Skeleter, Urns managed to recover the ball and begin a slow, inexorable drive downfield. It seemed that perhaps line orc Chip Bonesaw might break free from mummy coverage to stop the shambling skeleton, but his escape was foiled when he tripped in a pile of wrappings that Battering Ramses had been trailing behind himself. The orc fell hard to the ground and had to be carted off field. Reports show that Bonesaw will be missing the team's next match due to his injuries. With nothing else to stop him, Mister Urns staggered into the end zone at last, and the stands erupted with the clatter of bone colliding with bone, in what we believe is an undead approximation of clapping. The half ended with the score 1-0 for the upstart Bloodsand Blasters.

After halftime, the Meathooks emerged from their locker room with a look of steady resolve as well as matching pairs of brass knuckles. They received the kickoff and set about closing the unlikely gap between themselves and victory, and planned to use the bones of their enemies to build their road to success. First, skeleton Sahket Toomi was dismembered while breaking free of coverage, leaving his arm on the pitch. As he broke down the field, he was set upon by Pickles the thrower, who had not only retrieved the lost limb, but was very forcefully giving it back to the skeleton until he had to be dragged off in a bag. Pickles was immediately thereafter scolded from on high for his actions, when a bolt of lightning struck him down, not injured, but a bit crispy. Following his quarterback's lead, T-Boner brought his sizable frame to bear against Helter Skeleter, clobbering the hapless boneman into submission along the sidelines. In his frenzy, however, T-Boner didn't notice Battering Ramses' approach and paid for it by being sent crashing into the stands.

Not much later, the surprisingly ineffective Hack Enslash, having discovered that his chainsaw didn't even have a chain on it, knelt down to repair the machine. He was immediately sat upon by the corpulent Beefquake and the goblin spatula squad came out to drag him away. Still further casualties came from the orcish onslaught, and Cal Ciferous found himself getting rattled by line orc Rip Steakface. Miraculously, each and every Blasters player who was mangled regenerated completely from his wounds, or at least dug up enough parts to replace what was broken. All the while, Ramtut III was keeping the Meathooks' troll well in check, and the two goblins, Hammish and Bacon Sandwich were left with only the running option to keep themselves both alive and in contention. Accompanied by Pickles and Steakface, the wily green guys hustled down the sidelines only to be accosted abruptly by the mummies West Nile Cyrus and Old Giza. Unable to complete their running route and with the ball in danger getting put out of reach, the green group shoved Hammish into harm's way, where he miraculously got ahold of the prize and lobbed it downfield into the end zone. With the game on the line and time nearly up, Only Ramrod Meatmissile had a chance to save the day. Blitzing through what remained of the skeleton defenders, Meatmissile used every ounce of strength to make it to the end zone - and then bobbled the ball when he got there. The game was over, and the only thing the line orc could do was cover his head and run off to the locker room as the crowd rained bricks, bottles and bones onto the pitch below.

The match MVP awards went to Old Giza of the Bloodsand Blasters and to Chip Bonesaw of the Meathooks. The low-scoring, violent affair was remarkable for the lack of permanent injuries, and the Blasters, though glad of the victory, seemed disheartened at the lack of bloodshed. Perhaps they'll get a chance in the future?

On now to our second match of the day, with Bloodbath division's other rookie squad, the Traumatic Takedown squaring off against the more skilled Brutakai Ragefangs. Sunny weather prevailed here as well, and the majority of the fans in the stands were here to see the mysterious chaos dwarf team and learn more about them (at least more than our goblin correspondent was able to glean).

The Ragefangs received first, and immediately made plans to get Xarnak Bloodrage into the end zone for the touchdown. Almost home free down the sideline, Bloodrage was blindsided by Charlie Horse, the Takedown's towering centaur. The orc was sent flying into the bleachers, while the centaur recovered the ball and made his way across the pitch and downfield. Unfortunately for himself, Horse got greedy and took a bad step, crashing to the earth in a heap. out of nowhere came the other Bloodrage brother, Raziek, who picked up the football, plowed through hobgoblin Ortho Pnoea and strode unchallenged into the end zone. One to nothing for the Ragefangs on a great effort by their favourite son!

Setting up for the next kickoff, the Ragefangs were caught off guard by a fan who evidently had no love for the Bloodrage brothers, hurling a boot at Raziek to get him off the pitch. Luckily for Raziek, line orc Kodish Manhammer stuck his head up to survey the pitch, and took the boot squarely on the temple. His unwitting sacrifice got a round of applause from the Ragefangs faithful and a lone "'at were meant fer tha skilly-un, ye soddy gobber!" from who we assume was the would-be cobbler-assassin. The half ended without further scoring, however.

As the second half started and the ball was kicked, it was retrieved by hobgoblin Perry Carditis, who made a quick shovel pass to fellow hobgoblin Ortho Pnoea. Setting out to stop the playmakers and perhaps emerge from the shadow of the other two blitzers on his team, Prok Fleshdrinker made an assault on Carditis, but somehow was thrown to the dirt himself, howling in pain. The medics went to work on him, but it appears he'll be missing his next match with an upper body injury. The ball did get knocked loose however, only to be recovered once more by Perry Carditis. Though young and inexperienced, Carditis may have the makings of a skilled thrower. he reinforced this possibility with another short lob to Pnoea, who scrambled his way to the end zone to tie the game at one.

The loss of the lead saw the "rage" in the Ragefangs rise to the top, beginning as Kozu Ironhide laid a hammer punch down on the until-now successful Carditis, who was dragged off for the rest of the match. Kragor Clawfang followed suit, pummeling Busitis "Bruce" Olecranon into the mud and out of contention. Still not satisfied and possibly as revenge for the shot at his brother, Xarnak Bloodrage battered line dwarf Spleenic Pain and the stretcher came out yet again. In a final retaliation, however, Rip Tendon hoisted line orc Ruushaenk Nightwrath over the waist-high guardrail (dwarf height being what it is) and dumped him into an uproarious crowd of Traumatic Takedown fans, who knocked the orc out by chucking him through the roof of the Ragefangs' infirmary. With the game degenerating into a pro-wrestling tryout, the clock ran down and the match ended in a draw.

The match MVPs were Busitis Olecranon for the Traumatic Takedown, and Rigor Stonestomper, line orc of the Brutakai Ragefangs. Kragor Clawfang, who recently won the Silver Lining as the fan MVP choice, was also given a nod for his clutch ball-stripping skills which may have prevented a second score from the Takedown.

Now that everyone's tasted blood with our first two weeks under our belts, we can look forward to this Sunday when a trio of challenge matches will get underway! First, the Blackwater Bilgerunners have thrown down the gauntlet against the Traumatic Takedown. Second, the Smash and Go'nads demand satisfaction against the Meathooks! And finally, the Brutakai Ragefangs look to pen another chapter in the ageless conflict of Orc and Elf against the Blueriver Wardoves! We'll see you there, don't forget your team colours and favourite heavy object!

MMBBL Welcomes Three New Squads

As you may know, the MMBBL is gaining popularity, and as a direct result we are pleased to announce the addition of three new teams to join a roster of eight for the upcoming Blood Bowl Summer season.

First to arrive are the Blackwater Bilgerunners, a Skaven squad loaded with speed and skill. With more on their arrival we have a report from our dwarven correspondent, Rock Blottem.

The Blackwater Bilgerunners, hailing from the sewers of an unnamed Imperium city, enter the MMBBL’s Summer Season Blood Bowl campaign for the first time under the sponsorship of Baron Blackwater of Clan Moulder. Eager to regain the honour of former Skaven greats like the Skavenblight Scramblers (and ease his infamously lethal boredom), the Baron has graciously donated much to his team, and a great deal of the talent comes from his own personal guard. The roster includes gutter runners Twinkletoes, Piddlepaw, and Dingleberry; Stormvermin bodyguards Brutus and Jenner as blitzers; Fivel Mausketrap serving as thrower; as well as a team of plucky linerats culled from the peasantry.

We are assured that the shivering and high pitched squeals of Limpy, Gimpy, Lamefist, Stumptail, Krunch, and Squeesplat are those of ecstasy at the prospect of upholding Skavenblight honour, rather than fear for their own personal survival or the well-being of their families.

What was once a league built around mere brute force is now showing room for skilled teams, it would appear. The Fly-by Knights, followed by the agile Blueriver Wardoves, and now the Blackwater Bilgerunners; we'll see how talent measures up against force in the upcoming season! Moving on to the second new team, we move away from the skittishness and skill of the Skaven to a more balanced combination of stoutness, sneakiness, and speed: The chaos dwarf team known as Traumatic Takedown. With the report, we have junior goblin correspondent Smerk Noseminer.

The Traumatic Takedown is just disembarking from their caravan after a long journey from the mountains, and...augh! AUUUUGH! AAAAWWWRAAAGH!
...

It appears that we'll have to wait for more information about the Takedown, though by the sounds of things, Smerk has gotten an exclusive interview with their bull centaur!

Finally, the third team to join the league, and joining the Traumatic Takedown in the Bloodbath division, are the enigmatic Bloodsand Blasters. Shipped in from their native Ogodytsot Desert in a series of crates, these undead warriors represent a chapter in the history of Blood Bowl that was written before many other teams even got around to crawling out of the swamp on two legs. An ancient textbook marked by hieroglyphics as the "Tome of Takkul'bal" shows a field of play similar to the Blood Bowl pitch, but with a noticeable lack of end zones. It would seem that the Bloodsand Blasters and their predecessors had no concept of "points" and simply played until everyone was dead or collapsed from heatstroke.

We have not been able to secure an interview with anyone directly affiliated with the Blasters yet. We do, however, have access to their current roster, which was dropped off at the MMBBL headquarters. After half an hour of wresting it from the jaws of the delivery animal (crocodiles are not particularly cooperative) We are now able to present it to the public. Their coach is listed as the Divine Takkul, the actual author of the ancient playbook. Among their ranks are eight lesser skeletal beings and four, that's right, FOUR mummies. We have seen how much damage the two mummies of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters can cause. Having four on the pitch at once is sure to be absolute carnage. The roster itself is as follows.

Lesser Skeletal Servants: Dirty Suez, Cairo Practor, Cal Ciferous, Dusty Tombs, Mister Urns, Gus Sarcopha, Sahket Toomi, and Helter Skeleter.

Great and Wise Tyrants of the Sands: Old Giza, West Nile Cyrus, Durdurhotep, and Battering Ramses.

A strange and terrifying bunch, indeed. We hope to learn more about these terrors from beyond the sands of time as they are unpacked and reassembled in their imported pyramid. Hopefully we'll have more on them, the Traumatic Takedown, and the Blackwater Bilgerunners as the season nears its beginning! Look forward to more in the coming days, including the Chaos Cup end-of-season awards!