Wardoves Thrill Home Crowd, Defeat Chupacabras

In front of a massive crowd of over 32,000 roaring fans, the Blueriver Wardoves played host to the Sun temple Chupacabras in quarterfinal action this past week. While the elf squad was favoured in experience, the wily Chupacabras upset them in the first week of the regular season, so it was anyone's guess who would be moving on to the semifinals. This time, the lizardmen had the added benefit of one Hemlock, known as the "stabbiest lizard who ever stabbed".

A gust of wind signaled the start of the match, with the elves kicking the ball away. Pablo Xtopilopicoatl was the skink on the spot, fielding the ball and picking his run path through up to the line, and eventually into the stifling Wardove zone defense. Up on the line, a see-saw battle of guts and grit was taking shape, with the first serious blow being dealt by line elf Dellin Finchtalon, who soundly clobbered skink runner Gecko Xtopilopicoatl. Gecko was alright, but sustained enough damage to bench the little fellow for the rest of the day. Enraged by this attack on his skilled teammate, saurus Iguanadon Quixote burst through coverage to make a retaliatory shot against the Wardoves' talent - namely talented (and recently hard-luck) thrower Bendark Mossfang. Quixote hit the elf head-on, pushing him to the earth and crushing his collarbone under the weight of several hundred pounds of concentrated reptile. The crowd was hushed as Bendark was carted off the field, lacking the strength in his arms to give even a "thumbs up" to calm the panicked young ladies in the stands. The Wardoves would be without the catalyst of their explosive offense for the rest of this game, and more time still should they advance to the next round.

Demoralized and disorganized, the elf defense was cleanly spread away by saurus aggressors. With only the briefest of delays, Pablo Xtopilopicoatl crossed the goal line to give his Chupacabras the lead. The way things had started for the Wardoves, history looked poised to repeat itself.

Steeling themselves against Fate's cruel whims, the Blueriver Wardoves started their first offensive drive with unlikely replacement quarterback Valandil Dreadlily receiving the kick. Not a single elf finger went uncrossed in the entire stadium as Dreadlily got his hands on the ball, and smartly threw his first completion of the day to the illustrious and industrious Tsih Killwillow. Forgotten was the heartwrenching departure of Bendark Mossfang, replaced by the torrent of emotion unleashed from countless young maidens as this athletic dreamboat set sail towards the end zone. With steady blocking from his linemen, Tsih cruised to an easy touchdown, backflipping into a heap of pillows and rose petals, and restoring the Wardoves' battered morale.

Not enough time remained in the first half for another score, though in the ensuing drive, the Chupacabras made their best effort to collectively mangle Tsih Killwillow. The wily catcher was not to be caught, though, and as the whistle blew for halftime, the stands were filled with the chanting of his name.

Depleted in number but bolstered in spirit, the Wardoves took the field to start their offensive drive in the second half. Once more, walk-on quarterback Valandil Dreadlily fielded the ball and set up his offense. As a surprise to everyone involved, Dreadlily changed the play almost from the outset, confusing the lizardmen and buying time for a sneaky gadget play. As the Chupacabras stormed forward, Dreadlily lobbed the ball to blitzer Albiir Featherdeath, who was in the clear and ran laterally along the line of scrimmage. With the defense shifting their focus, Featherdeath quickly found Dellin Finchtalon alone with no coverage, and passed to the superlative line elf. Before the defense could recover from yet another split-second change, Finchtalon was making long strides past the skink secondary and was across the goal line to give the Wardoves a 2-1 lead.

Not a team to panic in the slightest, the Chupacabras were confident that they could make up the difference in their own style - swift scoring lined up behind a punishing offensive line. On a quick snap on the next drive, they certainly proved the strength of the latter. Taken off-guard by the sudden movement of the lizardmen line, Tanthil Twigbreaker was blindsided by the hulking Reptar the Reprehensible and gored viciously on the saurus' bone helmet. Officials attempted to calm Mr. the Reprehensible down, but the blood was singing in his ears and no one could get near him. Eventually, once the play had moved away from the line and down the field, he caught his breath, and regained his eyesight as what was left of Tanthil Twigbreaker slid off of his helmet, hitting the pitch with a squishy thud.

Unfortunately for the Chupacabras, Reptar's strength was missed on the drive, and the elf defenders had brought the forward progress to a standstill. As the ball squirted loose, who should come across it but Valandil Dreadlily, and the elf that destiny had chosen for this match did what he knew he had to do. Lizardman coverage was everywhere, but looking downfield, Dreadlily saw glittering light in the midst of scaly darkness. Hurling the ball forward, Dreadlily found Tsih Killwillow, who reeled in a one-handed grab that had the whole stadium gasping. He landed, righted himself, and found paydirt in the end zone. Looking to the clock and the scoreboard to see his team ahead by two touchdowns, Tsih grabbed the nearest cheerleader and kissed her in a way that made everyone - even the lizardmen, to whom kissing is a sort of half-assed way of eating people - very jealous.

The two teams lined up again for the last few seconds of the match to play out - merely a formality. The final score at the buzzer was 3-1 for the Blueriver Wardoves, who will advance to the semifinals to play the Smash and Go'nads for a chance to play in the Spike! tournament finals. MVPs of the match were Tsih Killwillow of the Wardoves, whose skill in taking the aggressive attentions of the Chupacabras was nothing short of monumental, and Iguanadon Quixote of the Chupacabras, who was responsible for the crunchy crippling of Bendark Mossfang.

The semifinals are set! Orcs and Humans! Elves and Dwarves! Sometimes, it just comes back to the classics, doesn't it?

Chompsalot Romps (a Lot!) in Victory

Thanks go out to you, Coach Wrangler, for another entertaining installment of the Gameday Journal!

The final challenge match of the blood Bowl regular season took place last night, with the upstart Traumatic Takedown looking to crack the tough nut that is the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, no doubt looking to capitalize on the recent departure of the league's top player, Ol' Teabagger. The Dirt Bursters, for their part, needed to prove that they weren't simply a support crew for the Man.

Under a pleasant evening sky, in a stadium predominantly occupied by apprehensive undead fans, the Traumatic Takedown kicked off to start the Dirt Bursters' first offensive drive. Notably present on the pitch for the Takedown were both the hulking form of the impressive Morg N'Thorg, brought in to offset the threat of undead mummies, and Zzharg Madeye, well-known (but rarely penalized) for his impressive ball-chucking blunderbuss. With their help and a little luck, the chaos dwarf squad hoped to pull off a stunning upset to end the regular season.

Not long after the kick had landed, the Dirt Bursters began their assault, quite literally. The favourite son of Dusk Hill brought the crowd to its feet and/or stumps early on when he hurled himself madly onto centaur Charlie Horse, causing enough damage to the four-legged player to leave him crippled for the remainder of the game. Meanwhile, Ned Gummers grabbed the ball from where it lay and began his drive to the end zone. He might have chosen a better trajectory though, for not long after he gained possession he was knocked flat by Morg N'Thorg, and would not wake up until some time later. Right up behind the fallen Gummers was fellow ghoul Chompsalot, and the nimble nibbler soon had retrieved what his teammate had lost. Helping to clear the path was yet a third ghoul, the up-and-coming Bahnaynay, who shoved dwarf lineman Buster Kneecaps into the stands where he was, unfortunately, maimed to a reasonably great degree. Kneecaps is expected to miss the first game of the playoffs due to the injury. In what proved to be a compelling argument in support of firearms, Zzharg Madeye proved to be the last line of defense for the Takedown. To his credit, he smacked Chompsalot hard enough to dislodge the ball and a few teeth, but the wily ghoul got back up immediately and was into the end zone before the furious dwarf could react.

With their numbers dwindling already due to injury and ejections, the Traumatic Takedown needed to make good on every opportunity if they were to stand a chance. After a high kick fell into the arms of Perry Carditis, the hobgoblins showed their inexperience as Ortho Pnoea dropped an easy catch from his teammate. To make matters worse, Magut the mummy was back on the rampage after an uncharacteristically friendly season, slamming into Splenic Pain of the Takedown. Pain was recovered from the pitch and pronounced dead, but the apothecaries took him out back in a series of buckets, then returned to pronounce him "not dead." Still, mortal tissue being what it is, we don't expect to see what remains of this dwarf for a while. Amidst the chaos, Chompsalot the ghoul had once again found his way to the ball after the Takedown's miscue, and with uncanny ease he shuffled off to the end zone for yet another touchdown.

The players lined up for a final play to close out the first half, but despite the Dirt Bursters' eagerness to score again on the blitz, time expired prior to any potential playmaking. At the half, the score was two to nothing for the Dusk Hill denizens.

We aren't sure how they swung it, but when the second half started, there was Zzharg Madeye once more, blunderbuss slung over his shoulder. Booed incessantly by the crowd, Madeye calmly received the kickoff from the Dirt Bursters, and shot the football to Ortho Pnoea before watching the dwarf line collapse under pressure from the mummies and wights of the Dirt Bursters. A seemingly foolproof plan was forming in the minds of the Takedown, however, as Pnoea then handed off to Morg N'Thorg. It would take much more than a random zombie or ghoul to knock that guy over.

Unfortunately for the Traumatic Takedown, the Dirt Bursters did just that. Getting behind the effort of Khermit the mummy, multiple Dirt Bursters players assisted as the towering ogre was toppled to the earth. In the confusion, the Takedown did exact some small amount of revenge, as Perry Carditis sneaked a vicious kick to the fallen Magut, who was not seriously harmed. What followed next was a truly bizarre occurrence. Newcomer ghoul Bubtunk Bagrot was leveled by dwarf lineman Third Degree Bernie...who has been dead for nearly the entire season. Closer inspection of the play revealed that a fanatical spectator, enraged that someone had taken Ol' Teabagger's roster spot, stormed onto the field to remove the supposed usurper. Bagrot would miss the rest of the game, and the fanatic was ejected from the match courtesy of this week's major sponsor, Murving's Used Catapults. As play continued, Khermit the mummy continued to haunt Morg N'Thorg with the assistance of several smaller undead. Chompsalot was nearly in the clear, with only the frantic Zzharg Madeye with a chance to stop him. The effort was there, but the results were unremarkable, and Chompsalot managed his third - yes, third - touchdown of the day. Hats rained down from the stands, among them caps, helms, feathered monstrosities and the occasional groaning head. As the stadium grounds crew cleaned up, the scoreboard read 3-0 for the Dirt Bursters.

With barely any time left for another play, the Dirt Bursters pulled their ghouls back into a safer position, but the move proved less than important as the remaining defenders on the line opted to blitz. the kickoff was bad, and resulted in a touchback, and the ball went to Perry Carditis of the Takedown. Carditis completed a pass to Ortho Pnoea, but the latter was quickly run down and stripped of the ball by Chompsalot, who tossed it to Ned Gummers for safe keeping. With nothing left to do but wait, Lanks McBreak gave the undead fans one more thing to cheer about, as he throttled Busitis Olecranon bad enough to warrant some time off at the start of the playoffs. The whistle blew, and the game ended, a decisive victory for the mighty Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters.

Match MVP awards went to Eric Shun of the Dirt Bursters in what was assumed to be a typo, and to Plex Fracture of the Traumatic Takedown, who was not particularly deserving either. More impressive accolades went to Magut the mummy for his unstoppable urge to throw a hit at anything that so much as looked at him and a few things which didn't see him coming at all.

That's it, folks. The regular season is over and done and the brackets are set for the Blood Bowl tournament playoffs! The brackets will be up for viewing shortly, and the first quarterfinals matches will be taking place this Sunday. See you then!

Dirt Bursters, Knights Release Players

Three players have been let go by their respective squads this afternoon - two by the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and one by the Fly-by Knights.

Dirt Bursters management has ordered that skeleton Feeble McWeakerton and zombie Boz Squats be re-buried to make a dent in the recurring expenses incurred by the star players on the team. The two players have had a total of zero MVP awards, touchdowns, interceptions, casualties, completions, fans, friends, loved ones or anything else since they joined the team back in the Autumn season. Whether or not they are recalled in the event of additional player death remains unknown, but reports say that the firing came as a result of their failure to protect Blacky Gobbler from being smeared all over the pitch in their last match, as well as a looming threat to other low-production players to shape up or be shipped out in a series of buckets.

The Fly-by Knights also announced the release of lineman Reginald Reginald III, though with much less animosity and no orders of interment. The Knights' management and R.R.III mutually agreed that after his serious injury against the Wardoves, he would no longer be able to serve his liege in an on-field capacity. He has accepted a generous management position with the team and will be recognized as their defensive coordinator from this point on.

That's all from the newswire here at the MMBBL.