Many Humans Died to Bring Us These Touchdowns

Apprehension was the word of the day when the Stargazin' Farmboys played host to the Bloodsand Blasters in the moist confines of Most Likely Swamp Port in the pungent town of Dago's Bog. While the human squad appeared at first to have the hometown advantage, this idea was quashed when hundreds of long-drowned and decomposing skeletons lurched out of the stagnant water and took their seats. Nevertheless, the stalwart Farmboys made their way to midfield and met their opponents, and came away winning the coin toss and choosing to receive first.

The brief meeting had given the Khemri squad the information they needed, however, and they shambled back to report to their coach that yes, they were in fact alive. With that to chew on, the Blasters' coach uttered his strategy to the team. "Make...them...dead." And with that brilliant strategy echoing through their cavernous skulls, the Blasters put their defense to work. The Farmboys offense seemed prepared as well, though new hire Flabba the Gut was experiencing a severe fit of the jitters. Starting things off quickly, human captain Duke Stywalker threw a perfect pass to receiver Willy Dee Billiams, who made a break outside to gain good field position. While Gut was still paralyzed with fear, his teammates set about turning the Khemri strategy against them, as blitzer Owen Lard came barreling up to the line and clear through Battering Ramses, one of the favourites to win the Commissioner's Medal for Exemplary Brutality this season. Ramses couldn't get himself back together without professional help, and was wheelbarrowed back to the infirmary for restorative incantations.

Looking to level the playing field again, skeleton Cal Ciferous laid a dropkick on the prone Bill Hootkins, and while the effort managed to stun the lumpy linebacker, an official caught Ciferous in the act and sent him packing. The ensuing gap in the Khemri coverage left Billiams with an opportunity to gain even more ground, and it looked like the touchdown was a sure thing. Some of the skeleton linemen seemed less concerned about him than they were about the squealing of Porky Hootkins, though, and Dusty Tombs was waiting for the lineman when he finally stood up, crashing into him from behind and doing unhealthy things to his twelfth, thirteenth and fourteenth vertebrae. Hootkins would be remembering this game for a long time to come, particularly when a cold blows through or if he ever tries to play a full round of golf.

With Billiams in the clear and his counterpart Dan Solitaire streaking to match pace, the wily catchers had almost outrun the skeletal defense. A quick handoff from the tiring Billiams to the fresher Solitaire put the point out of reach for the Blasters, but the Blasters themselves weren't especially concerned about the points. No sooner than Billiams had handed off the ball, an out-of-control Sahket Toomi came rattlin' and roarin' up behind, and he certainly didn't stop when he hit Willy Dee Billiams. Reportedly, the now-deceased catcher's last words addressed the unsatisfactory nature of his contract, but it was hard to tell, coming from the mouth of a man whose teeth had fatally migrated to his frontal lobe. Still, the sacrifice was not in vain, as Solitaire remained untouched and arrived in the end zone for the game's first point.

As time wound down after the ensuing kick from the Farmboys, bad turned to worse for the now-shorthanded human squad. Despite having no tongues, the Khemri had a taste for blood, and a very dangerous Dusty Tombs came screaming (again, metaphorically) up to the line of scrimmage to lay waste to a startlingly calm Ben-Ken Guinness. When all was said and done, naught but his armour remained, and the kickoff itself was largely ignored by both squads - the Farmboys were in mourning, the Blasters hoisting Tombs on their shoulders and parading him around - until the whistle blew to end the half.

With the kickoff coming to the Khemri once more to start the second half, and the deaths of two of the Farmboys fresh in their minds, the fans watched with bated breath to see if the human line would hold. The answer was quickly found as thrower Hork Ptah gathered up the ball, and the Farmboys defense began to collapse like a vampire's willpower at a "Miss Gothic" pageant. Ptah's pass to blitz-ra Sheik Yirbouti was dead-on, and as the mummies folded the humans off to one side, he proceeded practically untouched into the end zone to knot the score at one apiece.

No sooner than the grim prospect of a tie game had set in amongst the fans, the Farmboys were back on offense and ready to reestablish the lead. A speedy Carl Trepiaux started the drive off with a bone-crushing hit on Gus Sarcopha, carving a hole down the sideline for Dan Solitaire to break through. Thrower Duke Stywalker made no mistake on the pass, and the remaining Farmboys shored up a protective wall alongside Solitaire to guarantee a second point and renew the lead.

With one more desperate series of plays, the Blasters looked to end the match in a tie. Again the ball came to the hard-working Sheik Yirbouti, and fantastic displays of athleticism allowed his teammates to pile in alongside him as he charged down the pitch. The more mobile, agile humans played their defense well, though, and shored up the few gaps in their coverage, forcing Yirbouti into a tight squeeze that not even a man made of nothing but bone could squeeze through. The defense held smartly and time expired on the Khemri drive, with the Stargazin' Farmboys winning one in honour of their two fallen teammates.

Match MVP accolades went to Bruce Lard of the Farmboys for his presence in the defensive stand during the dying moments, and to West Nile Cyrus of the Blasters for hitting a lot of things all the time. Also of note was the frenzied play of Dusty Tombs, who gave one player a tackle to remember him by, and another a hit he wouldn't live to remember at all.

Deadites Kill Farmboys in Challenge Match!

Bryag Mudrake here, following the Farmboys on the road for yet another challenge match! This team sure seems to be popular these days, arriving now at the Drudgetown Pit to answer the call of the grave! Twenty-six thousand bodies filled the stands, with less than half of them having an actual pulse. The crowd might not be described as "lively" but it was certainly animated. The real heat was happening on the pitch, where the opening coin toss gave the kick to the human team, and accusations of double-headed coins led to a screaming match on the field, and a long delay as the clock ticked down before an actual kickoff. The human team started with some surprisingly strong offensive abilities, with "Are Too" Dieter breaking off parts of Sword Boy, sending him to the infirmary to pull himself together. The strong start fell apart quickly as Stywalker fumbled the squirming ball, and the Deadites charged! Their new werewolf, Wanna Little, took the opportunity to race in and knock Stywalker sprawling, and the swift-footed ghoul Klaatu grabbed the ball, running it in for a swift touchdown!

The Deadites kicked again to the human team, this time catching the offense flat-footed with a blitz! Stywalker's handle on the ball was much more effective this time around, and sent it sailing to Willie Dee Billiams. In a shocking turn of events, Dan Solitaire managed to knock the hulking Frankenberry off his feet. Despite this, the human defenses were no match for undead muscle, and Billiams was knocked down by a rampaging Wanna Little, knocking the ball free. Players scrambled for purchase in the mess of bodies, until the ball finally landed in the hands of Denny "The Wedge" Lawson. Farmboys dodged out of coverage to clear a path for the new ball carrier, but "Porky" Hootkins tripped up and knocked himself out cold trying to get into position. Lawson soon followed, and the ball once again bounced madly amongst the players before landing beside several linemen. Varata Nikto dodged into coverage and whacked the ball to retrieve, but his clammy hands couldn't get a grip, and once again the bouncing game continued, finally landing in the paws of Boomstick! There was a squeal from the field, as Billiams put the boot to Varata, but the ref appeared to be looking at Wanna Little, who collided with Zed Malcolm, taking them both down. That cleared the way for Artie Dieter to smash Boomstick to the ground, and catch the ball as it flew from the lycanthrope's limp fingers, but Dieter was unable to reach the goal before time ran out. The Deadites decided to spend the last few moments punching people, with X Morte seriously injuring "Hobby" Oldfield. The whistle blew on the half, and the Apothecaries dragged Oldfield back for some quick work, setting him back on the field for the next drive.

The second half started with a high kick to the Deadites, which was caught handily by the ghoulish Klaatu. The human team had returned with a vengeance however, and refused to be pushed around. The pain began as Wanna Little was downed by his intended victim, and continued as the entire frontline of the Deadites' offensive line was knocked to the ground, and Farmboy linemen rushed to cover Klaatu. The wily ghoul dodged out of coverage, and snapped off a pass to Varata, Who raced up-field. "Biggy" Hagan tried to rush in to set up a block, but tripped at the end of his run, crashing at Varata's feet, unconscious! He soon was joined in the dugout by "Porky" Hootkins, who was knocked out by a crash on the line. Bizarrely, Varata stopped running, and seemed to be enjoying the carnage at midfield. This time, Billiams was charging in to get coverage on Varata, but he too tripped up within inches of the ghoul! Varata STILL hadn't moved though, instead choosing to watch Frankenberry as he inflicted a horrific gut-wound on Owen Lard, leaving him dying on the field. Apothecaries were in top shape though, and soon upgraded his condition from "F’ed-Up" to “F’ing-A", patching him up for the next drive! Whatever drugs those Apothecaries are handing out, I want some! Torch Boy continued the chaos by stomping on a prone "Hobby" Oldfield. This time though, the ref heard the ribs crack, and sent Torch Boy out for the rest of the game. "Hobby" was also patched up by the Apothecaries for the next drive. Unlike the previous medical crew helping the Farmboys out against the Carnosaurs, the local apothecaries were on top of their game! Play continued, with Varata seeming to forget that he was still supposed to run the ball in for the touchdown. He was quickly reminded as he found himself surrounded by Billiams and Solitaire. Boomstick shoved Ben-Ken Guinness into the crowd, and Wanna Little raced to the rescue, clearing the path for Varata to dodge away, and lope in for a touchdown, bringing the score to 2-0 for the Deadites.

The next drive would add further injury to grave insult. With the human team down a man, an eager Deadite fan decided that wasn't enough of a handicap. With a scream of "What do you want on your Tombstone?!" he hurled a piece of his own grave marker square at the back of Duke Stywalker's head, knocking the quarterback out cold! It was only sheer luck that the kick landed so close to the huddle of humans preparing for a textbook, if undermanned, Kessel's Run strategy. The ball bounced out of Dieter's hands as he attempted to catch, landing behind him. Ignoring the ball, Dieter and Guinness charged up-field, clearing the way for Solitaire, who nabbed the ball, and fell in behind Billiams. Boomstick ran in from the other half of the pitch and attempted to maul Billiams, but merely pushed him in front of Solitaire. Dieter shoved him clear, Solitaire handed the ball off to Billiams, and Billiams sprinted straight ahead for a rapid touchdown!

The Deadites were eager for another touchdown, but it simply was not to be. Despite a quick snap that caught the human team off-guard, the Deadites were unable to make much headway against the human frontline. Wanna Little grabbed the ball and passed it to Varata, then charged into the melee at the front line. The end of the game degenerated into a dirty brawl as both sides punched, shoved and kicked those already down, but it failed to result in any significant casualties. With the whistle the game came to an end: 2-1 for the Deadites! Match MVPs were awarded to Primitive Screwhead of the Deadites and Ben-Ken Guinness of the Farmboys, for no particular reason that comes to mind. Also worthy of recognition on the highlight reel was Torch Boy's excellent blocking abilities, and the incredible speed of Wanna Little. Congratulations to all, and I'll be back tomorrow for my regular beat covering the Blackwater Bilgerunners and another crew of corpses, the Grenedale Lesionnaires.

Farmboys Fed to Carnosaurs

Bryag Mudrake once again, with a report from the Darkmire Bog where the Darkmire Carnosaurs are hosting the Stargazin' Farmboys for a meet'n'eat. The game has attracted an impressive 32000-plus fans, with a substantial edge to the local lizardmen. Looks like even the boys at Dago's Bog are wary of coming to this mud-filled swamp of a playing field. Rumor has it that the Carnosaurs themselves are dissatisfied with their playing field, and are looking to renovate it, and getting some advice from the Farmboy handlers as to how they turned Most Likely Swamp Post from bog to arid desert. In the meanwhile though the two teams square off in the mud on this pleasant, if breezy day. The Carnosaurs win the toss, and elect to receive.

The first drive sets the tone for much of the match; as the Farmboy frontline crumples like cardstock under the mighty fists of the saurii, the skinks dash upfield. Even the usually pushy Grimjaw the Wise gets into the spirit, as "Big Sea" Trepiaux goes down with his leg bending in places it shouldn't. Apothecaries manage to set the bone, but he will still miss the next game for rehab purposes. Reedrush nabs the ball, and starts his run upfield, but teammate Swiftclaw is sent tumbling while trying to knock down one of the human catchers running interference, holding up the play. This is all the opportunity Arnie "Are Too" Dieter needs to send Reedrush sprawling, but Bruce Lard tripps up trying to get the ball! The mighty Lashtail runs down Dieter, giving Puddlejumper a chance to snatch up the ball, and run it in for the first touchdown of the game!

Now the Farmboys need to mount a strong offense, and short of the guarding abilities of Trepiaux, to boot. Stealing a play from the famed Blackwater Bilgerunners, the humans attempt a lopsided offense to drive up along the side of the field. A breeze kicks up and tosses the ball off-course, but the kick still lands in play, as the Farmboys try and shove the Saurii off to the side, and tie up enough defenders to build a trench in the wide zone. The play is almost devastated as Duke Stywalker's pass to the new catcher, Willy Dee Billiams, is dropped! The ball lands behind Billiams, and the Saurii start pounding their way to the ball, with an angry Grimjaw continuing his reign of terror by taking down yet another Blitzer, this time Bruce Lard, and breaking another limb; an arm this time! Once again, the wandering apothecaries bought on inducements seem to be doing the bare minimum required of them, and Bruce will also be missing his team's next game. Fortunately for the Farmboys, the human team has learned from the Bilgerunners' mistakes, and have enough coverage around the ball to keep the Carnosaurs from picking it up, although not enough to keep them from severely menacing whomever tries to grab it. With phenomenal courage, or perhaps liquor-fueled indifference, Dan Solitaire steps coolly into the shadow of the Saurii, and with screams of encouragement and threats of violence from Duke Stywalker, picks up the ball, dodges out of harm’s way, and dashes for the safety of his teammates. As the Darkmire crew scramble to deal with this unlikely occurrence, Pondskipper trips up trying to get into Solitaire's way, freeing him up to rush the ball to the target!

With plenty of time remaining in the first half, The humans kick into the wind towards the saurii. landing the ball directly between the wall of muscle and scales of the saurus frontline and the crafty eyes and nimble fingers of Windwhip the skink. Once again, there is terror on the line of scrimmage, as the now badly undermanned human front line begins to collapse, with Owen Lard getting knocked unconscious. Coverage on the sidelines is just barely enough to trip up the wily skink Mudrunner, giving the human team a chance - a very small chance - to grab the ball. Once again, steeling his nerves with a shot from a smuggled hip-flask, Solitaire runs for the ball, dodging past saurii and skinks, only to be tripped up at the last second and land hard on the ball! Another bad block by the saurii allows one final chance, as Chris "Zed" Malcolm runs for Windwhip and tries to bowl him over, but the crafty skink sidesteps the charging lineman, scoops up the ball with perfect precision, and dashes it up-field to a waiting Puddlejumper, who had managed to slide away during the confusion, and is in perfect position to run it in for the Carnosaurs' second touchdown. A final kick to the Farmboys allows coach Kessel to put the finishing touches on human strategy, the Saurii a chance to redesign their defenses, and Duke Stywalker time to provide Willie Dee Billiams with some catching practice before time runs down on the half.

The second half sees Owen Lard recover enough to return to the line as the saurii kick to the humans once again. A mighty cheer goes up for the Carnosaurs, as the ball bounces off Artie Dieter's head and lands directly behind him on the line of scrimmage. Once again, the "Kessel Run", strategy is employed, as humans shove saurii over to form a clear trench for their catchers. This time, Williams is already into the trench as duke grabs the ball, and makes no mistake in grabbing it. The skinks are better prepared for this strategy now, and clog up the end of the trench in a sacrificial play against the human linemen. Meanwhile, Grimjaw the Wise sinks his fists into another human, sending "Hobby" Oldfield flying with a familiar "Man being eaten by crocodile" scream and a sickening thump, condemning him to the infirmary for the rest of the game. The skinks at the end of the trench refuse to be knocked over, nimbly dodging into ever more difficult positions for the catchers to overcome. With one final blitz, Billiams shoves a skink, dodges into the clear, then charges in for the touchdown! The score is now tied at 2-2, but there's plenty of time left for the Carnosaurs to regain the lead!

The lizardmen show their hunger on this kick, as they manage a quick snap, storming after the humans! Once again, frontline Farmboys get bowled over, with "Zed" Malcolm knocked out cold. "Porky" Hootkins tried to escape the carnage to grab the ball, but was tripped up, joining Zed for a quick nap. Meanwhile the skinks are once again deep into Farmboy territories, and Reedrush delivers the ball to the waiting hands of Pondskipper. Alas, Pondskipper's hands must be muddy form the field conditions, as he fails to get a handle on the ball! Once again, Solitaire is close enough to step into heavy coverage and nab the ball, and he fires off a desperate pass to Arnie Dieter, but the throw is wild! As Duke Stywalker gets up from saurus Daggermaw's blitz, he finds the pass sailing to him, and catches it! A brief moment of realization crosses between man and lizard as they both look at the ball, then at each other. Daggermaw reacts first, smashing Stywalker to the ground, as Reedrush runs back to pick up the ball, but whatever was coating Pondskipper's hands must have been coating the ball now, as it slipped from Reedrush's claws. Seeing one more opportunity to shine, Williams dodges out of coverage and runs downfield in a desperate attempt, and Solitaire once again tries to dodge out to grab it, but the lizards aren't falling for this old trick again. Pondskipper trips up Solitaire, and both catchers are now smashed and covered by hulking saurii, while Reedrush tries once again to pick up the ball, succeeding, and running it in for a touchdown!

There isn't much time for another touchdown, so things will have to be perfect for the human team, despite being a man down. Once again Kessel's Run strategy is employed, but this time, Williams is outrunning the defense, trying to get as far upfield as possible to get the touchdown. Duke Stywalker picks up the ball from where the wind blew it, and lobs off a beautiful long pass to Billiams! But with the potential for big rewards, the risks must be braved. The pounding continues as Owen Lard is once again knocked out, this time by Daggermaw. The human coverage is now insufficient to protect Billiams from the rampaging might of the saurii, who knock him down, and free up the ball. With chances for victory quashed, Arnie Dieter attempts to run down Reedrush, but trips on lizard tails and injures himself. He'll be back for the next game. The Carnosaurs see one last chance for a coup de grace touchdown, as Windwhip grabs the ball and tries to pass off to Mudrunner. The pass sails off and lands in an empty field as the whistle blows, ending the game at 3-2 for the Carnosaurs!

Match MVP honours went to Reedrush for his usual standards of excellence, and to Willie Dee Billiams for his excellent rookie performance. Postgame recognitions also go to Grimjaw the Wise for his ability to assist on the face of adversary, while Billiams goes in to learn how to take a hit from Solitaire. That's all for us here at the Bog, where loads of peat are now being shipped in to try and reduce the mud! I'll be back with more bone-grinding Bilgerunners action as they take on the Grenedale Lesionnaires next week!

Sun Shines, Farmboys Make Hay

Evening all! Bryag Mudrake here again for another exhibition match, as the Stargazing Farmboys take on the Ibisi A-Nile-Ators at the Fields of Milk and Honey. There was tremendous turnout today, with over 36,000 screaming fans divided equally between the heavyset humans and the animalistic Amazons. The A-Nile-Ators elect to kick today, and the first kick sails out of bounds, blown into the crowds by a warm breeze on this unseasonably nice day.

The human offense pounds through the furry fury of the Amazon front line, with "Hobby" Oldfield sending Arish Cream off for a bit of a catnap. Duke Stywalker sends the ball straight at Dan Solitaire, but Solitaire bobbles it! La Mau Meow tries to punch through the blitzers to get at it, but is repelled, giving solitaire another chance to get the ball, and stagger off for the end-zone. A crash from Sand Witch and Ben-Ken Guinness distracts Solitaire long enough to get tripped up trying to get away from the Amazons, and the ball falls from his grasp into the able hands of La Nuclear Turnip. The hawk aspect sends the ball sailing upfield into the hands of the jackal-headed linewoman Zaga Zig in the Farmboys' half of the field. The Farmboys aren't about to take this, as Bruce Lard and "Zed" Malcolm try to take her down, but simply push her into deeper coverage.

What follows looks like a cross between a Pinball machine and a frat hazing, as Zaga Zig is shoved around by half the human team, before coming out, still upright and in possession of the ball, around the midfield. Once again, Zaga Zig rushes for the end of the field, as her teammates attempt to provide much-needed interference from the Farmboys. Zaga Zig takes the game's first touchdown, but at a price; La Nuclear Turnip was harmed by "Big Sea" Trepiaux and will spend the rest of the game in the infirmary.

The Amazons kick again, this time with cheering fans rooting for the Stargazin' boys, giving them a much-needed lift. The ball lands just ahead of Stywalker, who grabs the pigskin and sends it off to Solitaire, who actually manages to catch the damned thing! The human team pushed a hole right through the middle of the Amazon line, but the nimble ladies were able to quickly cage the catcher. With a little help from the linemen, Solitaire manages to slip free for a quick touchdown, tying the game!

With only a couple seconds left on the clock, the A-Nile-Ators have no time to score a point, but do manage to get some measure of revenge for La Nuclear Turnip’s injury, as Hapi Golucky puts Ben-Ken Guinness out of commission for the remainder of the game. At this point the unseasonably warm breeze becomes a freakishly hot one, as the muggy, oppressive heat descends upon the Field of Milk and Honey.

As the second half begins, both teams have players collapse in the dugout, and are able to field a mere 8 players each. The Human team now kicks to the Amazons, sending the ball deep back into their field. With a roar, they proceed to catch the A-Nile-Ators off guard, as linemen tear down the sidelines for the ball on a blitz! The A-Nile-Ators slip out of coverage to defend, and choke up the midfield, but Duke Stywalker dodges out of heavy coverage, nabs the ball, and sends it in a beautifully tight spiral to interrupt the drunken daydreams of Dan Solitaire as he stumbles up the sidelines. Groping for the ball, Dan is shoved roughly out of the way by Nevfer Timid, and the ball is scooped up by Hiss Isis, who tosses it laterally and haphazardly to Sand Witch. Unfortunately it seems the heat, or the fumes off Solitaire, managed to addle Isis' wits as well, and the ball lands near the feet of Duke Stywalker. Solitaire, looking to make up for past misdeeds, dodges into the end-zone, and runs over to Stywalker, who sends the ball into his now-waiting arms for the touchdown! The score is now 2-1 for the Farmboys!

Once again, the humans kick off to the animal aspects, but it appears the heat is not only getting to the players; the referee has apparently passed out around this point from heat exhaustion, and his absence goes unnoticed. This time, the kick lands almost perfectly in the Amazon end-zone, sending Sand Witch scrambling to make up lost yards. After a few frantic moments, Sand Witch lobs the ball off to Hiss Isis, who s quickly surrounded by her feline compatriots, who are in turn surrounded by human blitzers. Attempting to dodge out of coverage, Isis is tripped up and the ball falls free. Seeing his opening, Arnie Dieter shoves away the remaining defenders, grabs the ball, and runs around the tangle of players to reach throwing distance of Dan Solitaire, open and free in the end zone. A perfect pass meets a perfect putz, as Solitaire takes the ball to the head to many jeers from the crowd. Now it is Zaga Zig's turn to repeat the performance, shoving Solitaire out of the way, grabbing the ball, and sending a beautiful pass to her fellow linewoman Grace Quirrel.

Unfortunately, Grace comes quickly under fire, as Duke Stywalker and "The Wedge" Lawson take her down, recover the ball, and shoot off another pass to Dan Solitaire. Solitaire manages to stay on his feet long enough to actually catch the ball this time, and turns to dash for the end-zone, with little resistance. "Porky" Hootkins manages to hit Tefnutella hard enough to send her off for the remainder of the match, and Dan succeeds in evading the remaining Amazons to reach the end-zone, putting the score at a comfortable 3-1 for the Farmboys. The match ends with some brilliant, unheeded coaching, and a bit of a wrestling match until the clock ticked down.

Match MVPs went to Hapi Golucky for her vengeful actions, and Duke Stywalker for his brilliant bit of footwork despite a lousy partner; activities that have seen him promoted to a leadership position on the field. Also of note this match were the impressive blocking abilities of Sand Witch, Zaga Zig, and surprisingly Dan Solitaire, who is apparently being sent in for some therapy and rehab.

One-in-a-million Shot Gives Farmboys Last-minute Victory

We go now, live, to Most Likely Swamp Port in Dago's Bog, for our first MMBBL report of the season. With us watching the action is our resourceful skaven correspondent, Bryag Mudrake.

Bryag Mudrake back again, with live coverage from the Dungeonbowl regular season!

It's a beautiful day here in Dago's Bog, where the Stargazin' Farmboys and the Bleakwood Breakers are set to start their official Blood Bowl careers. Both teams suffered some disappointments in the preseason, so the match in the newly minted "Most Likely Swamp Post" Stadium, a re-purposed trapper's market in a dried out field, is going to be a show of heart and rookie skill more than the pre-season brutality we've seen so far. Despite that disappointment, over 19,000 fans have filled the stadium; predominantly humans to root for the home team, but a fair number of Wood Elves have joined the party to see how their new entry in the arena would fare.

The coin is in the air... and the Farmboys win the flip. Looks like they're electing to kick off first! Perhaps they're hoping to get the jump on scoring in the second half. The Breakers and Farmboys take to the field, the kick is off, and it's a Blitz! The Farmboys just blitzed the elves! The burly bruisers have crossed the field and are sending elves crashing to the ground. Still, the kick has landed far back in the enemy territory, and the humans are no match for the graceful elves in raw speed and agility. Elrohir Nolatari has the ball, and sends it hurtling downfield to catcher Tathar Sirfalas. Sirfalas, resembling a startled deer, makes a mad dash for the Farmboys' end-zone. Unfortunately, it looks like he's outstripped his defenders, and the Farmboys have left a couple surprises in the end-zone. Yep, there's Ben-Ken Guinness, who gives Tathar a forceful shove into the crowds for an impromptu autograph session with his field-side fans. Here comes Duke Stywalker, the young thrower for the Farmboys. The ball fairly leaps into his hands, and soars downfield to "Big Sea" Trepiaux. Trepiaux blitzes his way out of coverage, and runs the ball into the end-zone! Touchdown, 1-0 for the Farmboys!

The fans are with the Farmboys today, and a mighty cheer is going up for the human team, giving some heart to this squad of star-struck farmhands. But don't count out the woodland elves just yet! This time, it's a lineman, Camthalion Saralonde in deep coverage that gracefully snatches the ball, and sends it in a perfect parabola towards the Wardancer Cirdan Elensar. As Elensar moves down the sidelines, the flow of play is interrupted by the crash of Belen Telemnar and Bill "Porky" Hootkins collapsing in a pile at midfield! That's enough to give Trepiaux a shot at the Wardancer, and once again, it's into the stands! Unfortunately for Elensar, there were no adoring fans to break his fall, so it's off to the dugout with him until he wakes up.

The Farmboys are setting up some coverage around the ball for the next move, getting it ready for Duke to deliver. But Duke's been distracted! "Hobby" Oldfield goes down on a bad block defending the ball. Seeing the glimmer of hope, Gwindor Felagund and Finrod Celebrindal are off and running! Gwindor goes for the end-zone, and Finrod is heading to the ball! He slides into coverage, dodges free with the ball, and lobs it off to Gwindor! IT'S CAUGHT! The score is now tied at 1!

With the clock running down in the first half, both teams seem to be running low on energy. The elves kick off to the humans, but the ball sails past the end-zone into the stands. Looks like the human coaches have a little something up their sleeve, and the Farmboys manage to scrape up a little more confidence. Perhaps not enough though, as Stywalker sends the ball way off target. The elves move to grab the ball, but once again Beren Telemnar runs afoul of the enemy blitzers, throwing their plans into disarray. Duke has the ball once again, and in the final second of the half, completes a pass to Dan Solitaire, ending the half.

We'll be back with more after a word from our sponsor.

"ORK SAY EAT MOAR PORK!"

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And we're back! Both teams are taking to the field now, looking rested, refreshed and energized in this next round! It's a tied game here, who knows what could happen? Fortunately for the elves, Elensar is back from his little trip to La-La Land via Spectatorville. Let's see if he can stay out of the crowds this time. Breakers now kicking to the Farmboys, and once again, the crowd is screaming for the home team! Dan Solitaire is heading up along the sidelines, with the blitzers flanking. But once again, Stywalker's aim appears to be as accurate as Imperial Marksmen; about 10 inches over the left shoulder. The Breakers appear to be understanding the limitations of the Farmboys, and are getting much bolder about their nimble coverage; dodging easily out of harm's way to lend vital assists and clog up the avenues of attack for the less nimble humans. Just a moment! Cirdan is yelling out some kind of war-cry... he's making a run for the ball! A spectacular leap over Owen Lard's head and... Oooh, he landed on the ball! That's gotta hurt. That DID hurt, he's out cold again folks! This really isn't Cirden's day.

However, it looks like the elves have really managed to mess up the path of attack for the humans! The path to the end-zone is going to be a slow march through sap to get into position. The humans are muscling the elves out of the way, and Duke once again has the ball! It's off to Solitaire... he's got it! Solitaire trying to dodge out of Tathar Sirfalas' coverage, but he's tackled! HE'S DOWN! Oh, this is a bad one folks, looks like he's unable to get back up. It's off to the injury ward for the rest of this match with Dan Solitaire. He might have been a hot-shot smuggler back in the day, but his record lately has been banter fodder for the sportscasters.

The wood elves are picking up on the miscue quickly, pulling their men out to form a turtle formation in the middle of their zone. Elrohir Nolatari slides past the divot made by Solitaire to grab the ball, then tosses it to Finrod Celebrindal, who is quickly flanked by his teammates at the far end of a large wedge formation. The Farmboys have shoved another of the line-elves into the crowd, and are surrounding the pyramid now. It looks like they aren't willing to punch into such dense coverage yet, lest their quarry get away. And the elves are moving! Lashing out with heretofore unseen ferocity, they're striking out at the humans, and pushing them away from coverage. And Finrod is free! He's halfway into the Farmboys' side of the field already! Man, that's one fast elf! It looks like he's not quite far enough from human defense though... two of the linemen are on their way, looks like Lawson and Hagan... And it's a no-go! The slippery fella is free from coverage, and within reach of the endzone. A few of the other elves are trying to et into coverage, but Olwe Nenharma's gone down! That distraction's all Lawson and Hagan need... and BOOM! Finrod is down as well! The ball is loose!

Duke Stywalker is running for it now. He's firing off a long pass to Bruce Lard behind the remains of the elven defensive shell. HE MISSES! It's off by a mile! Tathar Sirfalas is going for the ball, scoops it up, and just keeps running! Elrohir's moving to the line of scrimmage, and receives the pass from Sirfalas! Oh! Beren Telemnar is down again! Time is ticking down on the clock, and it's still anyone's game! Elves have control of the ball at midfield, Finrod's still within range of the end-zone, and the Farmboys are moving into position! It looks like a couple of the linemen have dashed for the end-zone in the hopes of a miracle! And here comes the pain! "Big Sea" Trepiaux crashes hard into Elrohir, and grabs the ball. He pivots, LONG BOMB off to Hobby in the end-zone... AND HE CATCHES IT! I DON"T BELIEVE IT! "Hobby" Oldfield has caught the ball, and it's a touchdown! 2-1 in the final seconds of the game for the Stargazing Farmboys! Great shot kid, that was one in... a really big number!

A well-deserved MVP goes to Finrod Celebrindal for dealing with enemy blocks in his courageous dashes to the endzone, and a less-deserved MVP goes to Bill "Porky" Hootkins for demonstrating some unexpectedly numble dodging abilities. In addition, recognition of Carl Trepiaux's ability to protect teammates in the depths of coverage, and Duke Stywalker's amazing speed must be noted. Thanks for tuning in tonight folks! I'll have more next week, with the Blackwater Bilgerunners facing off against the Dark Iron Dreadnaughts!

Thanks for that enthusiastic report, Bryag! Up next will be a report from our newest correspondent, Kay Offwrong.

Dungeonbowl Ramp-Up part 3: Bloodbath Division

Another season arrives, and the MMBBL gets a shuffling of teams once more. Some brand new, some returning from hiatus. Eight of these teams call Bloodbath Division their home, and we're about to meet them!


What still needs to be said about the Razor Hill Spinebreakers and their cinderella season? Coming out of the Scrabbled Lands, this band of tough-as-nails greenskins ploughed their way through the playoffs, knocking off lizards, humans and at last elves to capture their first championship. Led by the iron will of blitzer Kiro Stormaxe, the Spinebreakers look forward to defending their title this Winter. Stormaxe was heard to comment, "Da plan is da same. Play, win, repeat. If our game ain't broke, we don't fix it. If dem other teams' games ain't broke, we ain't got to 'em yet!"

Coached by Ryan Keizer. Arena rule: Dragon Egg: When a player fails to pick up the ball or is knocked down onto the ball, make an armour check on that player. If it breaks through, roll on the injury table, treating serious injuries as knockouts.

The Carnosaurs, after a disappointing playoff exit, are back and looking for a little revenge. Entering the new season with the third-highest team rating, these scaly scoundrels are primed to surpass their previous effort and make their run at the championship. Reporters attempted to get a statement from the immense Grimjaw the Wise, who, after taking several minutes to consider his response, uprooted a tree and threw it seventy yards into a concessions stand.

Coached by Jai Gagnon. Arena Rule: Bogged Down: Players may Go For It one less time than normal.

The surprise of the Summer season has returned! The squad that at first was unfamiliar with the very concept of scoring is back to educate the rest of the league on the rougher points of the game. Rumour has it that the Blasters did, in fact, show up for Blood Bowl Day, but no one wanted anything to do with them! When asked for comment, skeleton Cal Ciferous said "they know what's coming, but they only delayed the inevitable!". A team several thousand years old probably knows all about inevitability.

Coached by Matt Stroud. Arena Rule: Rock Solid: If a player is pushed out of bounds, the injury results in a knockout on a roll of 6-9, as opposed to the usual 8-9.


(ART NOT FINAL)

The Bleakwood Breakers hail from the elven realm of Mathora Mista, where they have honed their Blood Bowl skills since times of mist-fogged history. They played only once on Blood Bowl Day, and thusly remain an unknown factor, which is likely all a part of their plans. Thrower Elrohir Nolatari, when interviewed, left no room for interpretation of the Breakers' sentiments, stating that "this great sport has been sullied by artless brutes - undead monstrosities, vulgar orcs, dirty, smelly dwarves, and all manner of undesirable untalents. The Bleakwood Breakers will return a sense of class to the field."

Coached by Andrew Embury. Arena Rule: Stubborn Treant: At the start of each half, the kicking team places a Treant token on the pitch, along the line of scrimmage. This 2 x 2 token blocks line of sight and stops any pass scattering through it. it may not be pushed or displaced until the start of a new half or overtime period.

Taking a break from the usual shambling, moaning and generally being undead, the Deadites bring a quick, versatile offense to the division. Their prowess was evident early on Blood Bowl Day, as the impressive ghoul runner Klaatu Nikto ran for four touchdowns. A slight setback came in the loss of werewolf Come Get Some, but the remaining players, most of whom have such sketchy memories that they don't have actual names themselves, are committed to showing what necromancy can do when it puts what's left of its minds to it. Says wight blocker X Morte, "I'll swallow your soul!" Now that's enthusiasm, folks!

Coached by: Neil Davies Arena Rule: The Ball is Live!: Whenever a player attempts to pick up the ball, he or she must throw a block against it first. The ball has no skills and a strength of 1. If the result of the block knocks the ball down, it can then be picked up. If the result is a push, the ball scatters randomly. After a push result, the player may advance and try to block it again, if he or she has sufficient movement allowance remaining. These actions do not count as a blitz, but may be used as part of a blitz move.



Hailing from picturesque Koldnjard, the Fjord Rangers are a rowdy, enthusiastic sort. Fearless in the face of adversity, their lone Blood Bowl Day match was against the well-established Sun Temple Chupacabras. Their skilled, smash-mouth play style brought them a great deal of praise, and the MMBBL fandom in general is looking forward to seeing them take the pitch this week. Dag Thoresen, berserker and battle axe collector, spoke on behalf of his teammates. "Ja, ve gut sum gut expeeryence tuday. Ve ull jest vant tu git der seasun untervay und show wut ve can du." Truer, more ethnically convoluted words were never spoken.

Coached by: James Richards. Arena Rule: An Inspiration to us all: Whenever a player is seriously injured, that player's team gains a reroll token.

The A-Nile-Ators' origins are somewhat mysterious - all-female (a first for the MMBBL, which is a progressive, equal opportunity league) and also, composed entirely of animal aspects. From the lush, fertile lands surrounding the city of Ibisi, this nimble squad of femmes fatales may be too much for the monosyllabic menfolk to handle! According to the interestingly-named thrower La Nuclear Turnip, "we are prepared to let our skill do the talking. We are strong, proud, and capable of internal validation...though if someone told me that this sarong looked good on me I wouldn't mind."

Coached by: Valérie Cormier. Arena Rule: Land of Milk and Honey: Whenever a player is rolling to wake up from a knockout, add 1 to the roll.

Seventy-two years ago, in a swamp about a week away, the town of Dago's Bog was founded. It's chief exports have always been squash, peat and communicable disease, but now they're adding "Blood Bowl Action!" to that list. In a town filled with folk with more upper body muscles than brain cells and less scruples than a doppelganger in a beauty pageant, it would have been easy to assemble a group of thugs to play the game. Not so with the Farmboys, whose name in fact speaks of their character. The local government, hoping to improve their town's reputation, has selected their hardest-working, most starry-eyed young lads to bring an honest day's work to a town which views honesty as a four-letter word. As lineman Bill "Porky" Hootkins says, "I've got a problem here. No, no, no, I'm alright, I'm alright." Very laid back. Very professional!

Coached by: Jon Roth. Arena Rule: Scum and Villainy: When calculating inducements at the start of the game, each player may pay 100k to hire a "bounty hunter". A Bounty Hunter is a human lineman with the following abilities: Loner, Dirty Player, and Stab.

And that's Bloodbath Division this season! Check back again soon for Deathdealer's big mean six!

Dungeonbowl Ramp-Up part 2: Blood Bowl Day!

This weekend, our larger family of teams and coaches came together once again for an all-day Blood Bowl marathon. While it would, of course, take weeks for me to document everything that went on in the twenty-some total games that were played, I can certainly touch upon some of the highlights.

For starters, player deaths. It was a bloody, bloody Blood Bowl day, sportsfiends. All told, five bright young stars-to-be had their destiny ripped out along with assorted vital organs and tissues. Stewart Backa of the Stargazin' Farmboys met his grisly end, and was shipped back to Dago's Bog to be returned to the loam of his homeland. Likewise, feline blitzer Mademoiselle Mechante ran out of lives in a hurry and will be reduced to a spectator's point of view from the great litterbox in the sky. A werewolf known as "Come Get Some" from the Drudgetown Deadites was a victim of an unfortunate circumstance, when after being pushed into the crowd, was devoured handily by about three dozen zombies. Finally, a double blow was dealt to the Shattered Plains Rampage, as both the hippo lineman Zazuk and lion berserker Rama were inhumed by the largely unsanitary efforts of the Grenedale Lesionnaires. The Lesionnaires being what they are, were of course pleased to announce the addition of Rama and Zazuk to their lineup after those matches.

For all the sadness there was, still some joy. Most noticeably, Nala of the Rampage, who piled up a whopping three touchdowns and two MVP awards in this long day of destruction, and Klaatu Nikto of the Deadites who got in for four touchdowns. Promising preseason efforts from both individuals!

The season will be starting on Tuesday, with Bloodbath division kicking off our eight-week regular season schedule. In the next post, we'll get a look at the teams playing for the Dungeonbowl championship. This season sees a very good mix of skill and strength, so anything could happen as the Razor Hill Spinebreakers defend their league title!