Undead Dominate, Scots Retain Freedom (and Lives)

This week's MMBBL action saw the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters take on the Day's End, while the Meathooks played the Woad Warriors. This will go on record as the bloodiest, messiest week in our short history, including nearly a dozen casualties over two games, and boasting four fatalities, three of which were permanent.

In the first match, the Day's End, fresh off their decisive 3-0 victory over the Woad Warriors, were mangled by a ravenous Dirt Bursters squad, with the final score being 5-0 in favour of the undead side. Not even the presence of the illustrious and talented Count Luthor Von Drakenborg was enough to stem the putrid tide, and the Day's End coaching staff will be re-evaluating their playbooks to mend the gaps exploited by the admittedly more experienced Dirt Bursters team.

Casualties for the Day's End included serious injuries for Sister Bloodwine the vampiress and Sour the thrall, as well as the permanent departure of Salty and the not-quite-as-permanent departure of Tinny, who was carried off in several pieces, and subsequently spotted (mostly, anyway) on the Dirt Bursters bench as a newly reconstituted zombie.

Scoring for the undead was the work of the usual suspects, the ghouls known as Ol' Teabagger and Ned Gummers, the former scoring twice and the latter three times. Can anyone stop the ghoul ground attack? Not yet, at least. The casualties handed out were courtesy of zombies Chunk Norton (2) and Stumps O'Boggy, wights Lez White and No Guts Bob (2), and ghoul Ned Gummers.

The MVPs of the match were Lanks McBreak of the Dirt Bursters (who apparently got the nod out of some sort of "rewards first" incentive plan), and Von Drakenborg for the Day's End, who promptly stormed off the field in a string a blahs and hisses. Other notables for the Dirt Bursters were the ever-dangerous Chunk Norton, who seems to be piling on the muscle (not his, but his victims', we are told), No Guts Bob, whose defensive sensibilities are gaining notice, Ned Gummers, who's learned how to take a hit and keep moving, and Ol' Teabagger, who to the horror of the entire league has developed prodigious jumping skill. Some squads are calling for mandatory faceguards in response.

After the game, the Dirt Bursters announced the signing of three assistant coaches to help delegate the assorted tasks of offense, defense, and special teams, as well as the hiring of a group of "groanleaders" to really get the crowd on its feet and shambling.

The night's second match saw the Meathooks in action against the Woad Warriors. The Meathooks played a formidable defense in their previous match, limiting the explosive Dirt Bursters to one touchdown and taking the draw at the end. The Warriors come from a 3-0 loss at the hands of the Days End, and are out to prove that they can compete in this league.

The score when the dust settled was 2-0 for the Woad Warriors, who were fortunate to even be on the field at the end of it all, as a parade of non-serious injury left them down to five players before the final whistle blew. Touchdowns were scored by lineman Frogurt Louis Stevenson and runner Scot Free, the first in a rushing play and the latter from a desperate passing setup that easily might have gone the other way.

The Meathooks, though beaten, were pleased with the intensity of their performance, injuring four of the Woad Warriors. The corpulent Beefquake, heavy-handed Gort Crudhammer, frantic Rip Steakface and brutal Hamfist Goreguts each sent a Woad Warrior off for the night. The Woad Warriors, however, left a deeper impression with fewer injuries, as Chuck MacCaber punched Bloatgar the Flatulent's nose into his brain and out the other side, and Ewen McGrogger rendered Stabbo medically dead for three minutes until he was revived miraculously by the scent of Bloatgar's sudden and violent decompression. A freak bolt of lightning, which the Meathooks are calling a dirty trick and the Warriors are dubbing "favourable weather", struck line orc Ramrod Meatmissile on his way to the end zone, but was not seriously baked.

MVPs of this match were Robert the Brute of the Woad Warriors, who was thrown out late in the game for a blatant foul, and Gort Crudhammer of the Meathooks, who messed up the field more than an absentminded skydiving ogre, and eve managed to apply some steady blocking technique.

After the match, both squads were present at a press conference, and rather civil given the circumstances, sharing drinks to commemorate the loss of Bloatgar and thanking the fumigators for their diligent work over the next two months to get rid of the smell. The Meathooks announced that they had signed Gristly Slötturhaus, a forcibly messy troll from somewhere high in the mountains. The Woad Warriors were pleased to introduce their own newest acquisition, Berserker Sean Clobbery.

That's all from this week's action, sportsfiends! see you next time!