Semi-finals or Semi-funerals?

The semi-final round of the MMBBL Dungeonbowl Championship has passed, leaving a pulpy, purpley, putrid smear across the pitch. Game one saw a rematch with very vicious implications as the Meathooks squared off against the upstart Woad Warriors for a trip to the finals.

This game may go on record as the most violent yet, and words like "battlefield" and "brutality" do it no true justice. If casualties caused were the measure of victory, these two teams would sit on a pillar of devastation for all to aspire to match. In the very opening of the game, with the Meathooks on offense, what began as a well-known and highly popular goblin-tossing play quickly disintegrated into a light snack for Gristly Slötterhaus, and as a result newcomer Bacon Sandwich caused a turnover.

The remainder of the match was barely about the Bowl and mostly about the Blood. In the scoring column, however, orc blitzer Stabbo was once again the difference maker, his two touchdowns stacking up against one from William Wallops of the scotsmen. The injury roster was far more exciting. Gort Crudhammer opened the hostilities when he put Robert the Brute down for the count. Connor MacClod, Ulfwerener for the Warriors, responded quickly by laying out Lockjaw with a seriously pinched nerve. Not to be outdone, Chip Bonesaw hit Frogurt Louis Stevenson so hard that F.L.S. skipped shuffling off the mortal coil and did more of a two-step into oblivion. Once again the Woad Warriors responded, hitting the Meathooks where it already hurt when Chuck MacCaber gave the much-maligned Bacon Sandwich an impromptu back massage with his cleats. And folks, that's just the first half.

The slaughter continued after the break, beginning when walking roadblock Beefquake sat Sean Clobbery down for the remainder of the match. The Woad Warriors had no response this time, as their line was severely depleted, and Hamfist Goreguts of the Meathooks followed it up by caving in the skull of Warriors captain Kilt Chamberlain. He will not be returning to the team, to consciousness, nor anywhere that isn't "the Earth from which he came". Chuck macCaber, however, picked up the mantle almost immediately, earning some measure of retribution by sending Hamfist packing the next turn. Gristly Slötterhaus, seemingly ordered to pulverize the vengeful human thrower, mistakenly attacked the Warriors' other thrower, and Robert Sideburns was left whimpering on the pitch with a hip that more closely resembled a jigsaw puzzle.

Not content with how they had avenged their captain's death, MacCaber and lineman Duncan Donuts were both tossed for flagrant fouls towards the end of the match.

MVPs for this game were Robert the Brute, Woad Warrior lineman, who has become a true nuisance for opposing blockers, and the stellar Stabbo, who not only stole the show with his two touchdowns, but also knocked over anyone who wanted to change the channel on his highlight-reel caliber performance. Other notables were Gristly Slötterhaus and his stoic, deadly immobility, Gort Crudhammer, who reportedly has contracted rabies from a wolf bite early in the match, and William Wallops, who apparently will not be taking "I'm okay" as an answer when he knocks someone down. After the match, brief funeral services were observed by both squads for the two fallen scots, with eulegies read by their respective killers. Since both squads share a belief in honour from death in battle, there were no hard feelings.

Game two was, comparably, far less violent. The beleaguered yet determined Eternal Twilight squad faced the returning champion Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters for their shot at the finals. Reports out of this game are sketchy at best, as the entire staff on hand was undead in some fashion, either at the start of the game or by the end of it. What we do know is that the rivalry between the "high" and "low" undead has picked up quite a bit, with the dirty, shambling denizens of the Dirt Bursters fandom seizing their perceived opportunity to depose the current vampire nobility and begin their own muddy, worm-ridden reign.

The end score, by accounts from survivors, was 2-0 for the Dirt Bursters, with points being scored by ghouls Ned Gummers and Ol'Teabagger. Evidently, most of the Endless Twilight, including their thralls, did manage to escape wholesale slaughter, though Smoking Pyre Ashes was mauled extensively by the indomitable and surprisingly eloquent Magut, who is up to words with more than one vowel and is possibly on the cusp of discovering the number three. The Endless Twilight has reportedly retreated to Luthor Von Drakenborg's mountain estate for the Spring, to train, reflect on their experiences, and hopefully be back again one day to compete for another championship.

The matches MVPs were More Like-Chicken of the Endless Twilight, who gets points for simply staying alive, and Lanks McBreak, the feel-good story of the year for Dirt Bursters fans. He's a common skeleton with no heart, no brains, but courage like you wouldn't believe. We'll be watching him in the finals, to be sure.

The Championship Game is almost upon us! The Meathooks have fantastic momentum, winning three straight games to get here, and the defending champs, the Dirt Bursters, are as ferocious as ever! Check back soon to find out if the biggest smear on the trophy will be blood, or embalming fluid!