Evening all! Bryag Mudrake here again for another exhibition match, as the Stargazing Farmboys take on the Ibisi A-Nile-Ators at the Fields of Milk and Honey. There was tremendous turnout today, with over 36,000 screaming fans divided equally between the heavyset humans and the animalistic Amazons. The A-Nile-Ators elect to kick today, and the first kick sails out of bounds, blown into the crowds by a warm breeze on this unseasonably nice day.
The human offense pounds through the furry fury of the Amazon front line, with "Hobby" Oldfield sending Arish Cream off for a bit of a catnap. Duke Stywalker sends the ball straight at Dan Solitaire, but Solitaire bobbles it! La Mau Meow tries to punch through the blitzers to get at it, but is repelled, giving solitaire another chance to get the ball, and stagger off for the end-zone. A crash from Sand Witch and Ben-Ken Guinness distracts Solitaire long enough to get tripped up trying to get away from the Amazons, and the ball falls from his grasp into the able hands of La Nuclear Turnip. The hawk aspect sends the ball sailing upfield into the hands of the jackal-headed linewoman Zaga Zig in the Farmboys' half of the field. The Farmboys aren't about to take this, as Bruce Lard and "Zed" Malcolm try to take her down, but simply push her into deeper coverage.
What follows looks like a cross between a Pinball machine and a frat hazing, as Zaga Zig is shoved around by half the human team, before coming out, still upright and in possession of the ball, around the midfield. Once again, Zaga Zig rushes for the end of the field, as her teammates attempt to provide much-needed interference from the Farmboys. Zaga Zig takes the game's first touchdown, but at a price; La Nuclear Turnip was harmed by "Big Sea" Trepiaux and will spend the rest of the game in the infirmary.
The Amazons kick again, this time with cheering fans rooting for the Stargazin' boys, giving them a much-needed lift. The ball lands just ahead of Stywalker, who grabs the pigskin and sends it off to Solitaire, who actually manages to catch the damned thing! The human team pushed a hole right through the middle of the Amazon line, but the nimble ladies were able to quickly cage the catcher. With a little help from the linemen, Solitaire manages to slip free for a quick touchdown, tying the game!
With only a couple seconds left on the clock, the A-Nile-Ators have no time to score a point, but do manage to get some measure of revenge for La Nuclear Turnip’s injury, as Hapi Golucky puts Ben-Ken Guinness out of commission for the remainder of the game. At this point the unseasonably warm breeze becomes a freakishly hot one, as the muggy, oppressive heat descends upon the Field of Milk and Honey.
As the second half begins, both teams have players collapse in the dugout, and are able to field a mere 8 players each. The Human team now kicks to the Amazons, sending the ball deep back into their field. With a roar, they proceed to catch the A-Nile-Ators off guard, as linemen tear down the sidelines for the ball on a blitz! The A-Nile-Ators slip out of coverage to defend, and choke up the midfield, but Duke Stywalker dodges out of heavy coverage, nabs the ball, and sends it in a beautifully tight spiral to interrupt the drunken daydreams of Dan Solitaire as he stumbles up the sidelines. Groping for the ball, Dan is shoved roughly out of the way by Nevfer Timid, and the ball is scooped up by Hiss Isis, who tosses it laterally and haphazardly to Sand Witch. Unfortunately it seems the heat, or the fumes off Solitaire, managed to addle Isis' wits as well, and the ball lands near the feet of Duke Stywalker. Solitaire, looking to make up for past misdeeds, dodges into the end-zone, and runs over to Stywalker, who sends the ball into his now-waiting arms for the touchdown! The score is now 2-1 for the Farmboys!
Once again, the humans kick off to the animal aspects, but it appears the heat is not only getting to the players; the referee has apparently passed out around this point from heat exhaustion, and his absence goes unnoticed. This time, the kick lands almost perfectly in the Amazon end-zone, sending Sand Witch scrambling to make up lost yards. After a few frantic moments, Sand Witch lobs the ball off to Hiss Isis, who s quickly surrounded by her feline compatriots, who are in turn surrounded by human blitzers. Attempting to dodge out of coverage, Isis is tripped up and the ball falls free. Seeing his opening, Arnie Dieter shoves away the remaining defenders, grabs the ball, and runs around the tangle of players to reach throwing distance of Dan Solitaire, open and free in the end zone. A perfect pass meets a perfect putz, as Solitaire takes the ball to the head to many jeers from the crowd. Now it is Zaga Zig's turn to repeat the performance, shoving Solitaire out of the way, grabbing the ball, and sending a beautiful pass to her fellow linewoman Grace Quirrel.
Unfortunately, Grace comes quickly under fire, as Duke Stywalker and "The Wedge" Lawson take her down, recover the ball, and shoot off another pass to Dan Solitaire. Solitaire manages to stay on his feet long enough to actually catch the ball this time, and turns to dash for the end-zone, with little resistance. "Porky" Hootkins manages to hit Tefnutella hard enough to send her off for the remainder of the match, and Dan succeeds in evading the remaining Amazons to reach the end-zone, putting the score at a comfortable 3-1 for the Farmboys. The match ends with some brilliant, unheeded coaching, and a bit of a wrestling match until the clock ticked down.
Match MVPs went to Hapi Golucky for her vengeful actions, and Duke Stywalker for his brilliant bit of footwork despite a lousy partner; activities that have seen him promoted to a leadership position on the field. Also of note this match were the impressive blocking abilities of Sand Witch, Zaga Zig, and surprisingly Dan Solitaire, who is apparently being sent in for some therapy and rehab.
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