Thursday, July 3, 2008

Electrifying Elves Shock Meathooks

Hello again out there, sportsfiends! The final game of the Chaos Cup season took place on Tuesday night, and although there was no championship to fight for, the Blueriver Wardoves and the Meathooks both had plenty of motivation to get the win. The Elven squad once again brought the illustrious Prince Moranian on board to even the odds against the more veteran orcish squad.

With the sun shining and a cool breeze in the air, the two teams took to the field. The Wardoves won the coin toss and elected to kick first, though it proved costly in the early going as the ball sailed out of bounds and possession was given to the Meathooks' one-orc wrecking crew, Beef Bigaxe. The elves saw no danger, only opportunity, though, as Bigaxe was swiftly gang-piled by the elves. Emerging from the fray was receiver Sutlan Spearflower, who hurled a pass downfield to Fhorin Bloodmeadow, but the blitzer was unable to reel the ball in due to coverage. Again there was a brief scramble for the ball, but this time it was Meathooks lineman Ramrod Meatmissile emerging with possession. He found fellow lineman Hamfist Goreguts with a quick pass, but history seemed in the habit of repeating itself this day, as Goreguts was brought down as well after making a small running gain.

After this latest failed drive, it was blitzer Albiir Featherdeath making the recovery for the Wardoves, and, determined to put as much distance between the ball and his own end zone, threw a deep, deep pass to Fhorin Bloodmeadow. This time, Bloodmeadow made the catch, only to catch his foot on a stone and topple face-first into the pitch while dodging out of coverage. Young orc blitzer Moose Burger echoed the tactics of the elves, chucking the football as far as possible downfield, and he was surprisingly rewarded when Biggs McStabstab, nominally the only orc with any business throwing a pass, caught the long bomb and scored the unlikely touchdown. The opening point got the orc fans on their feet and screaming, though McStabstab celebrated only by handing the ball off to his teary-eyed mother Gertrude, who had sideline seats to watch her boy play.

Now came the Wardoves' turn on offense. What might have been a great kick was once again blown out of bounds by a strong gust of wind, and Bendark Mossfang started the drive with possession and good field position. The Meathooks weren't about to concede any field position but "face down and unconscious" however, and Chip Bonesaw brought two-hundred-and-eighty pounds of solid work ethic down on the head of Venspar Pondrazor, putting the elf out for the remainder of the match. His sacrifice was not in vain, though, and the distraction of carnage allowed the elves a scoring chance. Mossfang sailed a perfect pass to Tsih Killwillow in the open field, and the light-footed catcher strode untouched into the end zone for a series of electrifying poses, much to the thrill of every elven maiden in the stadium.

With the score tied at one apiece, the next kickoff couldn't proceed right away until a replacement ref had been found. It seemed that Gertrude McStabstab had become upset about what she felt was a missed call, and had to be ejected from the game after beating the halfling official to within an inch of his life. Mrs. McStabstab was escorted out of the arena, and it is rumoured that she's been offered contracts from several teams as a blitzer. When the matter was finally settled, the Meathooks lined up their now-famous special delivery play, and despite intelligent coverage from the Wardoves, the goblin toss was perfectly executed, and Hammish landed within a quick jog to the end zone. Just like that, the orcs had re-established their lead.

The half finished with no more points, but a superb catch by Prince Moranian. Despite double coverage and who knows what kind of smell, the flashy Moranian hauled in a stellar catch, though there wasn't enough time on the clock to complete another play before the half.

When the teams returned to the pitch after a brief intermission, the fans were even more uproarious than before. Concealed by the din and commotion, no one took notice when a man in a beer-hat filled with Mana Up soft drink stood up and hurled a scorching fireball down onto the field. As it plummeted towards the orc line, Rip Steakface unknowingly let rip a terrifying belch, and somehow the cacophonous passing of gas coupled with the myriad chemicals present in the orc's gastrointestinal tract diffused the baleful ball of flame entirely. The entire crowd roared and cheered, but the oblivious Steakface simply licked his lips and took his place on the line of scrimmage.

What happened next was a textbook example of selflessness in the interest of team success. Let it never be said that Tsih Killwillow isn't completely devoted to the Blueriver Wardoves' group success. Facing a world of hurt should the tactic fail, Killwillow threw a key block to give fellow catcher Sutlan Spearflower a clear break for the end zone. Once Bendark Mossfang found him in the open, Spearflower was home free and the score was tied once more.

The orcs knew time was running short and that with careful managing of the clock, they could score the winning point without leaving enough time for the Wardoves to equalize. A quick snap on the kickoff started the orc drive off well, and with a handoff to Hammish it looked like another goblin toss was in the works. Unfortunately, mentioning the term "the works" may have broken the concentration of Gristly Slötturhaus, and the lumbering troll made his best effort to devour the little fellow. The wily Hammish was no stranger to massive appetites, and quickly scrambled loose from the troll's grip, only to be dropped unceremoniously behind him.

The elves, seeing the opportunity, charged forth to take the game into their own hands. Albiir Featherdeath made his move and bore down on the ball with a fury of determination almost palpable. Meanwhile, the orcish line seemed oblivious to the error on the throw, and the hulking T-Boner went about his usual business of crushing skulls for fun and profit. Today his brute force came to bear on Tanthil Twigbreaker, who suffered serious injuries in the ordeal but was restored by a quick trip to the team doctor. The orc squad slowly began to come around to what was going on, and Moose Burger attempted to salvage the play with a pass to fellow blitzer Beef Bigaxe, but the throw was off. Elf lineman Bendrym Cloudrender seized the free ball and sent it spiraling towards Tsih Killwillow in the open. Still, the orc line paid no heed, as evidenced by lineman Lockjaw who was more concerned with putting Pynian Grassripper on a stretcher. Though faulted for his ignorance of the actual play, Lockjaw gains credit for unquestionably dishing it out to the elf lineman, who was carted away to the medics for repairs. Dodging nimbly away from the onrushing orcs as they realized what was going on, Tsih Killwillow ran his second point of the match into the end zone, where the Wardoves' cheerleaders had laid a pile of downy pillows for their golden boy. rose petals flew everywhere, the crowd was awash in sighs, and Tsih Killwillow lounged in the adulation until the next kickoff was ready.

Now on the other side of the clock management game, the Meathooks needed to score, and score fast. The drive began with Pickles making the long pass to Hammish, who despite having almost been eaten on the last drive seemed determined to get it right. The frustration of losing the lead had gotten to several of the orc players though, and it showed early in the drive as Chip Bonesaw blatantly fouled Mlalyn Firefawn of the Wardoves. Firefawn was knocked unconscious, but Bonesaw was tossed from the match, keeping the playing field even. Next came the big play for the Meathooks. Slötturhaus made no move to consume his tiny comrade this time, and all was going well until it was time for Hammish to land. Whether the ground was uneven or the throw was shaky, the end result was a goblin stuck halfway into the turf. The ball squirted free and Fhorin Bloodmeadow pounced on it. Launching a desperation pass to perhaps pad the elves' lead, the ball was somehow snagged in midair by the usually-oblivious T-Boner. Whether he saw the pass coming or not, the ball was in his grasp. He didn't seem to notice, and continued to shove at Prince Moranian until the latter was pushed into the stands. Realization suddenly dawned upon the black orc, however, and he moved to get the ball to someone who could do something with it. Unfortunately the handoff failed. With time winding down, the orcs could only watch as the ball came to rest and the whistle blew. The final score, a 3-2 victory for the Blueriver Wardoves.

The match honours went to Albiir Featherdeath of the Wardoves and to Gort Crudhammer of the Meathooks. A nod goes out to the sneaky play of Lockjaw, who becomes the latest orc to adopt the ball-stripping tactics which his teammates exemplify. Additionally, it looks as though the orc T-Boner is the only player this season to record an interception, marking the second consecutive season in which the award will go to a highly unlikely recipient.

And that, sports fiends, is the MMBBL's Chaos Cup Spring season! You know what's coming next, don't you? That's right, the high heat of Summer brings with it the high adrenaline and scorching excitement of the Blood Bowl! With more teams entering the mix, it's sure to be the most electrifying MMBBL season to date! Check back soon for updates on the new squads and more! See you then!

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