The newly renovated (but never fumigated) Linitis Plastica Centre was home to Tuesday night's visit from the Sun Temple Chupacabras. They met their hosts, the Grenedale Lesionnaires, for their first league match of the 2009 Dungeonbowl season. With such a highly rated opponent, the Lesionnaires were offered plenty of inducements, including the services of the dynamic ogre-goblin duo of Brick Fa'rth and Grotty. Could they tip the scales in favour of the Nurgle team, or will the combined might of six saurus and a kroxigor spell a scaly end to the undead hopes?
Winning the coin toss, the Chupacabras chose to receive first. A terrible kick from the Nurgles resulted in a near-catch by saurus Tyrannosaurus Sex, but saurus agility being what it is, he bobbled it. The lizardmen began with Pablo Xtopilopicoatl picking up the ball and heading up the sideline. His handoff attempt to fellow skink Meepo was botched, however, and the ball tumbled into a mess of Chupacabras players. Bizarrely enough, Lesionnaires pestigor Oblivio Demum calmly moved in and retrieved it from where it lay, while the tangled lizardmen could only look on in disbelief.
With the ball in the hands of Demum, the Nurgle line began a push forward, led by infector Hurlbarf Pukescream. The lumbering plague man crashed headlong into saurus blocker Blue Demon, hitting with enough force to send the lizardman off under considerable duress - later on it was revealed that he would miss his next game due to a deep bone bruise. With a good-sized gap in the Chupacabras line, Oblivio Demum and hippo rotter Zazuk were able to cut through and begin a march to the end zone. A desperate hit by Pablo Xtopilopicoatl managed to send the ball bouncing from Demum's grasp, but to the woe of the lizardmen, it bounded right into Zazuk's waiting arms! Onward, Zazuk shambled, halted just before the goal line by Pablo, a surprising deke at the last moment fooled the skink, and Zazuk lurched over the line to count the first point in Lesionnaires history, as well as gaining the lead for his team.
The next kickoff by the Lesionnaires was another abysmal attempt. The kick was shallow to the point of barely getting over the line at all, and after ricocheting off the head of Big Poppa Xtopilopicoatl, bounced back over the line anyway. The drive thus started with the ball in the hands of skink Mondo Xtopilopicoatl, who began to tear up the sideline immediately. Before too long, however, a logjam of pestigors rallied to meat him, and progress was halted as the Chupacabras brought more forces to bear and help push little Mondo through. The Nurgle responded by calling in more muscle on their side, and things stayed at a standstill until a charging Putesco Prosterno forcefully took down Tyrannosaurus Sex, putting the saurus out of commission for the rest of the match. Somehow, the skinks managed to get away from the danger zone and put together the beginnings of a passing play. The presences of both Hurlbarf Pukescream and Zitgore Pusfist put an end to that, as Mondo was distracted to the point of throwing up in his mouth just a little. The pass was wide and fell incomplete, and the Nurgle defense began to close in. The lizardmen did manage to retrieve the ball, but the tying point was lost when Meepo Xtopilopicoatl's pass to a streaking brother Pablo was unsuccessful. With that, the whistle for halftime sounded and the teams hustled into their locker rooms to talk strategy.
To start the second half, the Lesionnaires put up a strong presence on the line of scrimmage, relying on the nimble Grotty to handle the business of fielding the kick. What followed was the beginning of a convincing case against the hiring of star players, as Grotty - agile, nimble Grotty - failed to pick up the football. Nerves? greasy palms? who knows? The Nurgle offense controlled the line, however, and eventually Grotty was able to get ahold of the ball and bring it up to the rest of the team. The bizarre plays kept coming as Big Poppa Xtopilopicoatl, far more lizard than anyone can handle, threw a blitz against the diminutive Grotty...and fell down himself!? Seizing the opportunity like a ten dollar bill inside an amusement park wind booth, the Lesionnaires surrounded the downed kroxigor, with rotter Mort Gasper showing up last in order to kick the fallen giant int he throat. The foul was caught by the refs, but the damage was done. Gasper was tossed for the foul, but Big Poppa was hauled off on a barn door tied to a team of oxen.
Things looked very, very good for the Nurgle, but the game began to unravel for them. Grotty's handoff to the singularly disgusting Zitgore Pusfist was botched, and before you could say "leaping lizards", Pablo Xtopilopicoatl had the ball in his clutches. After fending off the attention of the powerful but slow Pusfist, Pablo cruised down the sideline, away from every Lesionnaire save Oblivio Demum, who had just enough leg to get within grabbing distance. It was clear that Pablo would win that footrace, though, and Brick Fa'rth tried to solve the dilemma by pitching Grotty downfield to land on the skink! His aim was close, and in another reality it might have worked as planned, but instead Grotty landed on Oblivio Demum, thereby taking out his own help. Grotty threw the block on Pablo anyway, but the skink rolled with the punches and sidled further towards the end zone. A few moments later, he was over the line and the match was tied!
With the ball once again being kicked to the Lesionnaires, the Chupacabras decided to play for the tie instead of risking the loss. With their three remaining saurus on the line, six skinks lined up on the goal line, banking on a hard go for whoever felt they could cross the line safely. Bizarrely enough, the lizardmen called for the blitz...and stood absolutely still. Was it some sort of confusion tactic? The nervous Grotty, in any case, was quite confused. His nerves seemed to be acting up again, and his first attempt to rein in that ball failed miserably. So too did his second. Meanwhile, Grotty failed to notice that saurus Reptar the Reprehensible had broken through the Nurgle line and was bearing down on the goblin star. Once more, Grotty failed to accomplish anything and the Lesionnaires were out of time. To make matters worse, Reptar showed up, and as Grotty looked up cautiously to see what was causing the ominous shadow, he was brushed aside like a combover on a windy day. With his last great effort, Reptar pushed his body to the limits to grab the ball from where it lay in the end zone...and couldn't pick it up. The whistle blew and the crowd of 28,000-plus was left gawking in a mix of disappointment and sympathetic embarrassment. The final score was the Lesionnaires one, the Chupacabras one, and Dumb Luck at least seven or eight.
MVPs of this match, if you can call them that, were El Legarto Terrible of the Chupacabras, and rotter/lion Rama of the Lesionnaires. Grotty was run out of town by an angry mob, which was also run out of town by the pursuing Brick Fa'rth.
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