Elves and Skaven Explode with Offense; Dwarf Simply Explodes

After an unavoidable delay, here at last are the results of week three's matchups in the Deathdealer division. One game was a battle of incredible speed and agility, while the other was more notable for the wide assortment of smells involved.

The first match saw the ever-dangerous Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters defend their incredible unbeaten streak against the down but determined forces of the Smash and Go'nads. Despite a slow start, the Go'nads have been a great physical force in the MMBBL this season, led by the brutal, smash-mouth play of lineman Eric Shun, whose hard, unyielding style of play garnered an impressive three casualties in his first game of the season. What can be said about the Dirt Bursters, those marching, moaning, magnificent monsters of the gridiron, which has not already been said? They may not have been born ready, but they certainly died ready. In an attempt to gain an edge over the undead, the Go'nads hired on Barik Farblast, inventor of the Farblast 5000 Passing Machine, and had also bribed enough officials to ensure that the wily dwarf would be able to play the entire match without ejection. The Dirt Bursters also signed skeleton Clackers Rattlehead to an entry-level contract.

With the sun shining and the crowd roaring, the Dirt Bursters were set to receive first. With calculated, almost mechanical resolve, the undead showed their quality amid the screaming of the fans, with superb blocks by the offensive line establishing a running corridor for ghoul Ned Gummers. Gummers charged out of midfield and was home free from dwarf coverage, until a bolt of lightning from the upper deck flashed towards him, intent on stopping the runner cold. With an athleticism and poise unheard of in the ranks of the deceased, Gummers dodged pure lightning and strode in for the touchdown, free of harm. Needless to say, the dwarves and their fans were stunned.

As the Smash and Go'nads prepared for their first offensive drive, a Dirt Bursters fan, responding in kind for the attack on his team's runner, hurled a nearby skeleton fan's head at the Go'nads' main distributor of pain, Eric Shun, knocking the dwarf face-down on the pitch. The ball was kicked off anyway, and Barik Farblast made his move to retrieve it. After Farblast's pass to runner Dick Gozinia was good, the latter found himself quickly set upon by Dirt Bursters' star player, Ol' Teabagger. Unable to avoid The Man's coverage, Gozinia went down and the ghoul recovered the rock. Storming towards the end zone, Ol' Teabagger demonstrated that not every moment in a great player's career is memorable, as he caught his foot on the stray skull tossed in earlier and crashed in a heap at the goal line. The dwarves were hard-pressed to retrieve the lost ball, and sure enough, more ghouls came out of the woodwork to try for the score. Ned Gummers made his approach first and threw the ball laterally to teammate Chompsalot, who then streaked towards the end zone. He never made it there, however, as a blatant, unmistakable foul ended the Dirt Bursters' drive immediately thereafter. Zombie Stumps O'Boggy, apparently sick of hearing about the exploits of Eric Shun, descended upon the dwarf lineman with a powerful punch which shattered the dwarf's teeth. The zombie's fist did not stop there, however, but kept going down the dwarf's throat. Then, in one swift motion, O'Boggy wrenched his arm free, bringing with it assorted organs of varying degrees of importance. Disheartened, winded, and all-around gutless, the once-celebrated Eric Shun collapsed to the ground, dead. O'Boggy was ejected fro the foul, though the damage had been done to both the opponent, and to their fanbase. The second half ended, and the dwarves retreated to their locker room to regroup.

With the second half underway, the Smash and Go'nads chose to implement a new, stingy offensive structure which would prevent their opponent from even coming close to the ball. The plan was working well, and the Dirt Bursters found themselves lacking space in the infirmary as the dwarves were knocking them unconscious left and right. At the height of the carnage, six undead players were asleep in the dugout, and the dwarves had complete control of the field. The winds of chance are fickle, though, and can turn a sweet Summer breeze into a chaotic tornado in a heartbeat. The storm in question arrived when Ol' Teabagger, committed to redeeming his earlier gaffe, dodged through the dwarf coverage and broke free towards Barik Farblast, who had been calmly surveying the field. Farblast was blindsided by the hit and the O.T.B. scooped up the lost ball and carried it in for the touchdown.

With little time remaining for a comeback, the Smash and Go'nads were driven only by revenge. Not one of the unconscious Dirt Bursters players had awakened, and the game looked as though it would finish badly for anyone without a beard. Sensing this, perhaps, were the remaining Dirt Bursters players, and they began to taunt and goad the dwarves as they came onto the pitch. With careful ego prodding and rampant bragging about the probability of the late Eric Shun joining the undead team, the Dirt Bursters incited a riot among the two teams and carefully took their lumps while the clock continued to run down. The final whistle blew and the dwarves were shocked to find them selves denied even the bittersweet taste of vengeance. In the chaos, the undead had sent their assistant coaches across the field to retrieve the remains of Eric Shun, and after a brief ritual the newly-minted zombie rose to take his place on the Dusk Hill team's roster. The final score was two to nothing for the undead, but the toll seemed far greater in the hearts of the dwarven faithful.

The match MVP awards were presented to Stumps O'Boggy, whose deliberate and guiltless foul not only eliminated the dwarves' biggest threat, but also resulted in a new teammate for the Dirt Bursters, and to Holden McGroin of the Smash and Go'nads, who has vowed to honour the loss of his teammate by wearing the number three from now on. Also earning a nod was the play of Ned Gummers, whose running ability has been highlighted by his will to go the extra mile. The undead unbeaten streak is kept alive for another week.

Game number two on the schedule saw the two fastest teams in the league square off against each other. The Blackwater Bilgerunners tested their flea-bitten mettle against the poetry in motion of the Blueriver Wardoves. The weather was nice for this match as well, and the rat and elf fans were out in full force for their favourites.

With the Wardoves winning the coin toss and receiving first, the feeling that this game would be a high-scoring affair had the crowd abuzz. There would be no disappointment in this regard, as the ball quickly came to Bendark Mossfang, the Wardoves' high-caliber passing specialist. With skaven bearing down on him from all directions, Mossfang launched a shot to to newcomer Angruil Grimmrose, who was recently brought in to replace the sadly departed Sutlan Spearflower. Grimmrose quickly showed his value by reeling in the throw and taking it in for the quick touchdown. Could the Bilgerunners respond?

With the ball coming to them this time, the skaven looked to their quarterback, Fivel Mausketrap, to lead their charge. Unfortunately, Mausketrap seemed to be wearing greased oven mitts, and was unable to so much as settle the ball down. The rest of the offense proceeded without him nonetheless, and soon Mausketrap was left alone in the backfield as the speedy elves bore down on him. With a timely blitz by Albiir Featherdeath, the skaven thrower was tossed aside and the Wardoves' crowd-pleasing catcher Tsih Killwillow snatched up the loose ball for an easy touchdown. Now down two to nothing in the early going, the Blackwater Bilgerunners needed to step up or be squashed underfoot.

Step up they did, but at every turn the elves seemed to match their effort. The blocking was frenzied as the skaven attempted once more to set up their rat rush. Their thrower seemed positively snakebit though, and again the skaven offense was stymied. In the thick of the action, elf blitzer Fhorin Bloodmeadow crashed headlong into gutter runner Piddlepaw, mangling the furry runt considerably. The Bilgerunners' surgery staff did their job well, however, and Piddlepaw was right as rain in no time. Meanwhile, Piddlepaw's teammate Dingleberry pounced on the ball, only to see it squirt free. Luckily, linerat Lamefist was in the right place at the right time as the football fell into his grasp. Bolting downfield, Lamefist could only hope to outrun the speedy elves, and hope was all he would get. Albiir Featherdeath came up quickly and sent Lamefist off for a nap. Before the elf blitzer could recover the ball, however, the crafty Dingleberry had already poached it and the other Bilgerunners were moving to protect him. Once more, Albiir Featherdeath ran the rat ball carrier into the dirt, only this time he retrieved the prize and threw it to Angruil Grimmrose, who then handed the ball off masterfully to Fhorin Bloodmeadow, who might have been home free were it not for his opponents having blitzers of their own. (Relatively) hulking Jenner cracked the elf upside the skull neatly, allowing Fivel Mausketrap to at last pick up the ball correctly. Hurling the ball downfield, it found the arms of Squeesplat the linerat, who managed to stumble through to the end zone to cut the point deficit in half.

With little time remaining in the first half, the last notable play came during the kickoff to the Wardoves, as Albiir Featherdeath was laid out in the mud by an errant stone hurled from the bleachers. With all respect to the great potential and ability of Featherdeath, in a game where he was making the entire opposing squad miserable as they paid for every mistake at his hands, he might have seen this coming. The whistle sounded, the teams took off to their locker rooms, and the score at halftime was two to one for the Wardoves.

After the break, the skaven squad returned to the field with a great air of intensity about them, as though each player had put aside his minor league mannerisms and truly embraced the big-league, full-pro nature of the MMBBL. They showed this was the case without a doubt on the first drive of the second half as they capitalized on a quick snap which caught the elf defense flat-footed. Snatching up the ball, gutter runner Twinkletoes hurtled down the pitch at blistering speed, and the defenders could only watch as he leaped over the goal line, cartwheeling into the adoring crowd.

Not to be outdone, the Blueriver Wardoves reached deep down into their hearts and pulled out another spectacular series of plays. Tanthil Twigbreaker started the surge when he viciously clotheslined Stumptail the linerat. Immobile on the pitch for several minutes, Stumptail was presumably saved by the quick thinking and response of the medical staff. Not about to let something like that go, the Bilgerunners' receiving corps set up heartthrob Tsih Killwillow for a big fall, as a shove from the physically negligible Twinkletoes was compounded by Dingleberry kneeling down behind Killwillow to trip the handsome lad up. Killwillow must have dinged his head off of something on the way down, because he wasn't moving much after the incident. Hauled off the pitch on a stretcher with what team representatives are calling an upper body injury, Tsih will be missing his team's next match to recover. The sobs from the stands were quite pronounced for a moment, but the relentless screeching of the skaven fans soon drowned it out.

When play resumed, the elves began to press, with Fhorin Bloodmeadow streaking to the end zone in the place of the fallen Killwillow. Unfortunately, pressure from the Bilgerunners prevented Bendark Mossfang from getting hold of the football. The gutter runners Twinkletoes and Dingleberry continued their shenanigans as they plagued the elf thrower to no end. Finally able to escape his tormentors, Mossfang managed to lob a pass out to Tanthil Twigbreaker, who effortlessly handed off to the illustrious Featherdeath. Throwing a desperation block through the skaven swarm enveloping him, Featherdeath crashed free, gave the ball to Bloodmeadow, and the blitzer was home free for the go-ahead score.

With another quick strike in mind, the skaven, undaunted by this renewed point deficit, looked to the sneaky Twinkletoes once more. Dashing past the elf defenders but losing steam, he could have been easy prey for Bendark Mossfang in the backfield. It wasn't in the stars for Mossfang tonight, however, as the thrower took a misstep on his way out of coverage and crashed to the earth. Unhindered, Twinkletoes made no mistake and jogged into the end zone with ease.

With hardly any time remaining, the elves could not produce another touchdown before the whistle sounded. They could, however, give the Bilgerunners something to remember them by. After the last play, Angruil Grimmrose delivered a shameless cleating to the back of linerat Limpy's head. While this tactic shocked many in the crowd, it also garnered several sighs and coos as well. As Grimmrose coolly removed his gauntlet and sipped his water in the dying rays of the sun, it seemed that the Wardoves' would-be lovers had found themselves a new bad boy.

The match MVP awards for the 3-3 draw went to the Bilgerunners' Piddlepaw, who proved a hard rat to keep track off all match, and to Tish Killwillow of the Wardoves, who will undoubtedly have plenty of visitors during his time off the pitch. Additionally, Fivel Mausketrap of the Bilgerunners, while struggling with the concept of picking up a ball all game, had no problem delivering it through the air with great precision. From the Blueriver squad, Bendark Mossfang showed an improved skill with ball retrieval, while Fhorin Bloodmeadow displayed excellent mobility in high-pressure situations.

That concludes week three in the MMBBL Blood Bowl Summer season! Coming up on Tuesday it's a return to the Bloodbath division, when we'll see the Traumatic Takedown face the Bloodsand Blasters, and the Brutakai Ragefangs as they line up against the Meathooks in some old-fashioned orc on orc warfare! Don't miss it!