Undead Earn Perfect Season Despite Knights' Strong Showing

The final formality with regards to the Chaos Cup season has come and gone, and the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters once again reign as the MMBBL's champions. It wasn't an easy finish by any means, and their final opponents, the Fly-by Knights, made them earn every inch on the march to victory.

Still displeased by the vein of mediocrity plaguing this talented team, the Dirt Bursters released zombies Stabbo and Shamus Smith, formerly of the Meathooks and Gildengrip's Gold Miners, respectively. Then, in a move to replace the fallen Blacky Gobbler, eager rookie ghoul Dug Nobs was hired to bring another element of speed to the roster. The day couldn't have been more perfect, the matchup couldn't have been more storied. Two of the league's founding teams, one having tasted victory, the other having only wafted its honeyed aroma.

The first possession went to the Dirt Bursters, and before anyone could handle the ball, one zealous fan decided to "handle" one of the Knights' linemen. We aren't sure where he got the brick, but none were as surprised as Max Limit, who crumpled like a cardboard parapet when the projectile struck him in the helmet. He was dragged off hurriedly before the ball landed, to sleep off the mild head trauma.

The ball came down near the illustrious Ol' Teabagger, whose exploits and talent are now so far-reaching that if you don't know who we're talking about, you should probably go back to the archives for an education in glory. Making his way into the safety of the zombie-mummy pocket, the O.T.B. was caught off guard by Knights' running back Jacques Strappe, who knocked the ball loose into the fray. The Knights weren't going to make this easy, but the undead line rose to the occasion, as Lez White opened the hostilities by throttling lineman Solomon Squatz. Squatz appeared to have broken his neck, which would mean almost certain demotion to the minors, but the docs worked out the problem quickly, and the injury was revealed as merely a pinched nerve, still serious but not life-threatening.

The Towering mummy Khermit put his own stamp on the game immediately afterwards, putting cocky Knights blitzer Chet Jackweed out for the match with a mighty shove. The gap left by the two fallen linemen was all the Dirt Bursters needed, and Ned Gummers charged out of the melee, sprinting in for the first touchdown of the game. Could the Fly-by Knights respond?

They set about doing just that, and the ever-effective Lance Freely, heavily favoured to win the Silver Elbow this year, completed his first pass of the game to catcher Stanley Steele. Steele was brought down, however, and when wight No Guts Bob forced a gap in the human line by laying out Wamsley Wedgeworth, Ol' Teabagger finished what he started on his first run and scored to make it two to nothing for the Dirt Bursters. The entire crowd was moaning, both from the anguish of the human fans and the assumed joy of the undead supporters. With little time to play in the first half, Jacques Strappe completed a pass to Brad Attitûd, though the catcher didn't have enough time to run the ball in before the whistle blew.

Battered and bruised after just one half, down two linemen and a blitzer, the Knights needed to rally around something - anything - to make a game of it. To their dismay, the undead read their play perfectly on the second half kickoff, and the Knights' already lopsided line of scrimmage was further compromised by a blitz from the Dirt Bursters. Even as the undead pressed the advantage on one side, however, the Knights made their hay by running a reversal. Jacques Strappe unloaded the long pass to Stanley Steele, who showed remarkable selflessness in handing off to Brad Attitûd, who in turn was off like a shot down the sideline. Aware of the chance to score, the human line threw itself boldly in the way of any potential playbreakers, and hard-working Abraham Sandwich made the greatest of the ensuing impacts, breaking the neck of newcomer Dug Nobs. Welcome to the league, Dug! Though with an injury like that it may not be a very long stay. Still, the Dirt Bursters managed to break coverage, and Ned Gummers knocked Attitûd on his backside. The Knights responded with even more high-risk strategy, as Attitûd got up and sprinted for the end zone while Steele, who had been following the play, grabbed the loose ball and shovel-passed it to his fellow catcher. One step closer to tying the match, the Knights still had a lot of work to do.

What happened next just goes to show you that no matter how tough, how talented, and how effectively detached from the mortal coil a player may supposedly be, by no means is he immortal, and certainly not without his moments of weakness. A standard running play by the Dirt Bursters on the following kickoff was going just as planned, and it looked like they could seal the victory with ease. Ol' Teabagger moved like lightning through the Knights defense, until faced with the mountain of mayhem known as Barglesnart Livingstone. The ogre was, by all accounts, oblivious to his surroundings and didn't even see the ghoul coming. Looking to cut corners in his charge, Teabagger made a flying leap to pass directly over the ogre...and apparently miscalculated. The wily ghoul crashed pelvis-first into Livingstone's helmet, and what on a smaller defender would result in moderate humiliation instead resulted in a catastrophic change to the ghoul's flight plans. Barreling end over end, Ol' Teabagger crashed to the ground in a heap and was carted away with serious but non-permanent injuries.

The Knights seized the opportunity immediately, and Lance Freely was on the spot as he found the foolhardy Flash Madison with a beauty of a pass. Chompsalot the ghoul would have nothing of it, and ran the catcher into the dirt, though he was unhurt in the collision. The same would not hold true for Chompsalot himself, who was subsequently trod under by Jacques Strappe, and removed from the pitch to sort out his insides in peace. In came Cyrano de Baggagerack on a charge through the remaining Dirt Bursters defense, retrieving the ball while on the move, and lunging into the end zone to tie the match. The crowd was in an uproar now, with the Knights rejuvenated by success and the Dirt Bursters depleted by the loss of three of their four ghouls.

With their most skilled players in a heap in the infirmary, the Dirt Bursters looked to unlikely sources for success. Ned Gummers may have been the ghoul for the job to get that final touchdown, but he couldn't simply dissolve the Knights' line. Enter Tinny, former vampire Thrall of the Day's End and one of the few low prospects to escape the recent firings from Dirt Bursters management. Tinny not only stopped what might have been another Knights "smash and grab" tactic, but also laid out Cyrano de Baggagerack with an uncharacteristic show of might. This was enough for the Dirt Bursters, with both teams seriously depleted. Ned Gummers broke through coverage, and with enough skill to avoid the onslaught of defenders, crossed the line to count the third undead touchdown.

With little time remaining, the Knights could only hope to lose once more with dignity. Lance Freely found Brad Attitûd with one final pass, but the catcher hadn't the speed to make it to the end zone in time. The Knights may have wished that the game could end then and there, because in the dying seconds, Khermit struck again, flattening Jacques Strappe with a bone-jarring hit. Strappe would survive, but lingering tenderness means that he may not be as sturdy as he once was. The final score was 3-2 for the Dirt Bursters. The perfect season was a reality, even thought the toll on the team's talent proved high. The Knights, beleaguered and heavily injured themselves, departed the stadium almost immediately to return to their castles and await the next campaign.

MVPs of the match were Brad Attitûd of the Fly-by Knights and Tinny of the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, whose key last-minute block may have won the game for the undead. Also noteworthy was the play of Jacques Strappe, who despite his last-minute injury threw many successful blocks of his own, and Cyrano de Baggagerack, whose strong presence of mind on the line kept many of his teammates safe, though he himself was also injured.

After the match, the Dirt Bursters took to the field, the wounded and healthy alike, to be awarded the Chaos Cup. Each took his turn to drink from its shining bowl, hopeful that the cup would choose him as worthy of its gifts. The first to be rewarded was Magut, the monstrous mummy, who sprouted claws and moaned in undead jubilation. Immediately afterwards, his teammate and fellow wrecking machine Khermit was similarly chosen, and identically rewarded. It seems that Chaos had chosen its champions. Finally, when everyone else had tasted from the Cup, Lez White took his sip, and what happened can only be described accurately as "eeeeyyyyuuuurrrrrrgh". Erupting pustules, twitching ganglia, bursting sores and dental cataclysm exploded from White's face, turning the cheers and praise of the fans observing on the Wizardtron screen into a chorus of heaving and vomit. The gift mirrored the game. Powerful, ugly, and only barely contained by conventional armour.

The Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, returning and still champions of the MMBBL! Next season is the Blood Bowl, and we'll be watching as the undead vie for an unprecedented full year of dominance. Still to come - the final game on the list for the Spring season, with the Blueriver Wardoves looking to upset the Meathooks in a battle for glory and possibly recognition as the team to come closest to the Dirt Bursters. See you then!