This week's action from Deathdealer Division is coming right at you, sportsfiends! First on the slate, the woeful Muenster Valley Stinkers host the surprising Sun Temple Chupacabras at Fort Muenster Cheeseyard. Right from the outset, it was clear who the favourites were. More than two thirds of the spectators on hand were there in support of the Chupacabras, and this despite the questionable implications of anyone but a goblin going anywhere near a goblin-run arena.
The lizardmen won the coin toss and elected to receive first. The Stinkers defense was missing one of its biggest contributors - Windmill Widegut, who was sitting this one out with a moderate concussion sustained against the Smash and Go'nads. In his place, however, stood mercenary troll Gurch Squatlaunch - maybe not the best money can buy, but certainly something that some money can rent. To the Stinkers' delight, he proved to be on the same page as the rest of the team from the get-go, as he set a blitz in motion on the first kickoff. The play seemed to have rattled the lizard offense, as a handoff from Harpo to Mondo Xtopilopicoatl was bobbled and dropped. The Stinkers pressed the brief advantage as Whirly Early unraveled his ball and chain to knock a pair of saurus on their backsides. Gurch further proved his worth by hitting Tyrannosaurus Sex with a double-arm slam that left the rapacious reptile seeing stars as he was hauled off the pitch to the infirmary. Again the skinks worked at their running play, and this time Harpo successfully handed off to his brother Pablo, who cruised down the sideline, escorted by El Mucho Grande. Stinker Fleestone of the goblins attempted to stop the crafty skink, but he proved entirely too slippery, breaking free of coverage and running the ball in for the touchdown.
A lucky break struck for the Stinkers as the Chupacabras kicked to them. The ball sailed out of bounds and the touchback went to Gassy Pinchflick, newcomer and soon-to-be-airborne goblin wheeler. Thudd Thuddler hurled him skyward, but the landing left much to be desired. The lizardmen made a move to recover the football, and though his first try failed, eventually Pablo Xtopilopicoatl scooped it up and made his way up the field. Pablo then handed off to brother Meepo, who mirrored his brother's previous touchdown run with a streak down the sideline. Just like that, the score was 2-0 for the Sun temple Chupacabras.
At this point, the Chupacabras' fans were roaring, but somehow their joy was matched by the angry bellowing of the smaller goblin contingent. It is speculated that though the goblins' voices were relatively quiet, their collective breath was loud enough to split stone and raise the dead. A second bad kick from the lizardmen landed right at midfield, but in such a way that neither skink nor stinker could get a solid hold of it before being tripped up or shoved away. The referees managed to pick something up, however, as Gassy Pinchflick was tossed out for a half-hearted foul on El Legarto Terrible. Finally, Stinker Fleestone managed to get a grip on the football, and immediately thereafter was lobbed downfield by Thudd Thuddler. The throw proved just short of the end zone, and the whistle blew before Fleestone could make a run for it. At halftime, the Chupacabras remained in the lead, two scores to none.
After the break, with the Stinkers receiving once more, you could see in their eyes the sense of desperation. The kick this time was much better, and fielded poorly by Dab Lobsnot. Lobsnot was subsequently pushed aside by his own teammate, Kicky Mudgob, who had little trouble with the ball and was thereafter heaved aloft by the towering Thudd Thuddler. Thuddler's aim was true, and Mudgob's landing immaculate. a quick bob and weave around the bewildered skink safety and the goblins had their first point of the game.
While the goblin touchdown has a great effect on the morale of the hometown fans, it absolutely enraged the Chupacabras' supporters. As the Stinkers kicked off, an errant thighbone was thrown out of the upper deck and pegged Thudd Thuddler squarely in the back of his skull, just below he helmet. The troll fell flat on his face, but the looks on the faces of the lizardmen were not smiles and smirks. With the troll out of the way, they caught a glimpse of Blaggat Horkbag, casually tossing a bomb from hand to hand. They looked to the referee, but he was far too busy counting a handful of money to pay any attention. Horkbag let fly his explosives, and the blast plowed through Mondo Xtopilopicoatl, severely damaging the skink's hip joint. Luckily, the skilled priests of the Sun Temple were able to mend the fallen player. Despite the smoke and blasted turf, the Chupacabras held to their game plan and Meepo Xtopilopicoatl found the ball. Running headlong down the sideline with support from Reptar the Reprehensible and Harpo, Meepo proved untouchable and the two-point lead was restored as he crossed the goal line.
As the game began to slip away from them, the stinkers showed signs of faltering across the field. The Chupacabras were able to read their offense perfectly and reordered themselves to exploit its weaknesses. Gurch Squatlaunch pitched ball carrier Nudgy Bangfart down the field, but the latter landed on his head rather than his feet. As Bangfart was about to get up again, he found himself surrounded by skinks, and a sharp kick to the temple from Sue Xtopilopicoatl put him out with a bad case of the won't-wake-ups. The bad breaks kept coming as El Mucho Grande knocked out Bumgo Butterbomb and Pablo Xtopilopicoatl turned a blitz by Ziddy Blotch into a comatose goblin.With that, Pablo scooped up the football and took off like a shot for the end zone. With nothing but hope left in the playbook, Gurch Squatlaunch threw Kicky Mudgob towards the streaking skink, and miraculously the goblin didn't crash. Hitting the ground running, Mudgob plowed into Pablo and knocked the skink flat. The ball careened into the stands and, in typical goblin fashion, was booted back into play before anyone got any ideas about going in after it. Right on the spot was Gecko, but the run took too much out of him, and he fell, exhausted, before crossing the goal line. With not so much as a gasp left in the lungs of anyone present, time ran out, with the final score sitting at 3-1 for the Sun Temple Chupacabras.
Match MVPs were Blaggat Horkbag of the Stinkers, and Reptar the Reprehensible of the Chupacabras, no doubt for his strong supportive blocking on Meepo Xtopilopicoatl's touchdown run. Notable as well were Meepo himself, who worked his way out of coverage with some incredible footwork, and Sue, who displayed remarkable agility throughout the contest. after the match, the Chupacabras' skinks were noticeably excited, and the reason became clear in a press conference, as the father of the many Xtopilopicoatl brothers, "Big Poppa" Xtopilopicoatl, joined the team in the position of Thunder Lizard. This potent offense is 2 and 0 in its young history, and the addition of a Kroxigor on the front line will make them a powerhouse on both sides of the ball.
Tune in again soon for all the highlights from the Smash and Go'nads' match against the BloodDrunk Berserkers!
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