The Agony of...Victory?

Two games to report on from this week's action so far, sports fiends! We saw a proper slugfest between the Meathooks and the Smash and Go'nads, as well as a David-meets-Goliath struggle between the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and the Brutakai Ragefangs. No one was safe, and you can be sure that no one was bored, either!

Game one began on a lovely day, but the sun soon revealed its true, malicious intent, becoming a beacon of blazing contempt for the Meathooks' passing game. The Smash and Go'nads were undeterred, however, as their plans revolve around a sturdy ground attack. The dwarves once again enlisted the services of the incomparable Morg'N'Thorg, who was more than happy to assist the little man in his attempt to thwart the green menace. Also present was the illustrious and completely shirtless Grim Ironjaw, whose presence provided energy as well as a very complex combination of odours.

The Go'nads won the toss and elected to receive, and after a wild kick, the ball went to Hammish, the plucky goblin constantly besieged by the fear of death. The plan of attack broke down after the line collapsed, though, and Hammish was forced to make a remarkable escape, twisting and dodging, squeezing through the dwarf defense like a buttered-up sausage down a Plinko board. Eventually though, the little green machine was knocked over, and the ball became lost in the tangle of bodies. Morg N'Thorg brought his fist down on Grunt Skunchman of the Meathooks, crippling him with uncomfortable sound effects, but the doc over on the orc bench had him ready to go again by the next drive. The orc answer to Morg N'Thorg was a question mark for most of the half, as Gristly Slötturhaus spent the better part of the day picking his nose, examining the result thoughtfully, and then eating it.

After halftime, the Sun's harsh criticism of the passing game now a memory, the Go'nads were ready to start their first drive of the game. The orc defense was more than ready for them, though, and the black orc blockers started tearing up the field almost immediately. The hefty Beefquake put troll slayer Gil T. Azell out of the match with a case of severe aftershocks and hysterical blindness, while Gort Crudhammer forcefully hurled Ray Pugh into the crowd, where he was trampled and kicked back to the locker room for a trauma-induced nap. Undermanned and overpowered, the dwarves fought on to stop the green tide, but Chip Bonesaw, the Meathooks' (relatively) explosive lineman, carried the ball in for a touchdown with only a few minutes to spare. The dwarves tried in vain to salvage something from the ordeal, but were unable to capitalize in the dying seconds.

MVPs of the game were Beefquake of the Meathooks, who was offered a slice of the ReBlok armour endorsement which his teammate Hamfist Goreguts currently enjoys, and to Grim Ironjaw, whose response to the honour was to stomp away foaming at the mouth and passing a symphony of gas. Sources say this means he enjoyed the game immensely. Also of note for the Meathooks was the play of Chip Bonesaw, who simply wouldn't take no for an answer when "asking" the opposition to hand over the rock.

Game two saw the up-and-coming Brutakai Ragefangs square off with the already-up-and-not-really-going-anywhere-anytime-soon threat that is the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters. In what can only be attributed to a case of twins separated at birth, wide-scale optical illusion, or a time paradox, Morg N'Thorg was playing in THIS game for the Ragefangs at the same time he was playing for the Smash and Go'nads in the other match. We don't have an answer yet, but we're prepared to commit the necessary jiggawatts to find out.

The Dirt Bursters put their usual game plan into effect right from the get-go, and by the end of the first quarter, Ol' Teabagger was dancing in the end zone to the roar of his legions of fans. In response, the Ragefangs responded not on the scoreboard, but on the body count, as Brax Elfeater sent the ghoul Chompsalot sprawling and out for the rest of the match. The undead were quick to put another point on the board, this time with the OTB playing the role of quarterback as he sailed a sweet pass to Blacky Gobbler who was wide open in the end zone. Again, the Ragefangs showed their contempt for the Dirt Bursters' skilled players as Raziek Bloodrage showed Blacky just how he felt about the touchdown, which was a very emotional ordeal that had a great impact on the ghoul. So great that he needed to spend some time in the infirmary.

After halftime, the Dirt Bursters had had enough of the beatings, and decided to dish out the pain as well as take it. Khermit, one of their two towering mummies, Brutally murdered Brax Elfeater, the Ragefang black orc, but the orc medical staff revived him with a complicated ritual that involved industrial sewing equipment, several meters of flexible tubing and an unfortunate "donor" from the bleachers. Jumping upon the opportunity, and with a great deal of literal jumping as well, Ol' Teabagger further fed his own legend with his second score of the game, putting it out of reach for the orc squad. In one final act of brutality, Kozu Ironhide crushed the MMBBL's golden boy Lanks McBreak in a devastating hug, leaving several dozen bones broken. His fans were happy to bring him back with donations of bones they had donated themselves, or simply dug up from the nearby cemeteries. The final score was 3-0 for the Dirt Bursters.

The match honours for game two were Kragor Clawfang of the Ragefangs - his second consecutive award - for his early development of frontline blocking tactics, and to Ned Gummers of the Dirt Bursters for his sound ball-handling and playmaking. Additionally, Black Gobbler learned the hard way on how to improve his blocking skill, while Ol' Teabagger seems to have become even faster. Many reports have made accusations of illegal enhancement, but league officials have nothing to go on, as OTB's urine samples have been inconclusive since he started out in the league.

Thanks for tuning in once again, sports fiends! Come back soon for more MMBBL action, and possibly an explanation regarding Morg N'Thorg's manifest schizophrenia.