Dwarves Test their Mettle, Orcs Save their Bacon

The Chaos Cup tournament has officially begun! Two games were on the table last night as the newcomer dwarf team Smash and Go'nads squared off against the veritable Goliath that is the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters, and the returning-from-hiatus Fly-By Knights met with the surging Meathooks for a match.

In the first match, the Dirt Bursters continued their latest unbeaten streak and handed the Go'nads their first defeat in league play. The final tally was 2-0, and the undead seemed reasonably impressed with their opponents (or so our zombie-fluent correspondent tells us). Touchdowns were scored by the ever-dangerous ghoul Ol' Teabagger and the less-prominent Chompsalot. The dwarves' tactics were sound, but their inexperience held them back as they had difficulty breaking the undead line. With time, they'll likely develop a crushing front of their own. The addition of the high-profile mercenary player Morg N'Thorg helped, but in the end he wasn't on the same page as his new teammates and there seemed to be a disconnect.

A trio of casualties punctuated the match, one caused by each squad and one caused by poor on-field traction. The towering, ponderous Magut, easily the most lethal player in the league to-date, seemed intent on rebounding from an off year in that department and made dwarf troll slayer Gil T. Azell his first victim of the tournament, sending him off for the remainder of the match. Later on, Moe Lester the dwarven blitzer was himself molested as he was sent crashing into the stands and summarily beaten by the Dirt Bursters' fans. Towards the end of the match, the Smash and Go'nads had their revenge as Stu Padasso blitzed Lez White into the dirt and shattered his collarbone with a sickening crunch. Fortunately, with several more sickening crunches, Lez managed to pop a rib and use it as a decent substitute, and suffered no permanent damage. Suspicious weather resulted in a near singing during a pile-up at the sidelines, but no one was seriously baked.

The matches MVPs were Achilles Punks of the Smash and Go'nads, and who else but Ol' Teabagger of the Dirt Bursters - the latter an icon of the present, the former perhaps an icon of the future?

In the night's second match, perennial carnage-makers the Meathooks took the pitch to do battle with the recently returned Fly-By Knights. Due to a sorcery competition the week before the match, a lingering blizzard hung overhead, much to the chagrin of the fans who weren't prepared for a springtime match to be so frigid. While the Knights were a bit surprised to see how much the Meathooks had grown since they last played, the Meathooks were possibly more alarmed that they weren't the only team out there with a big guy. Gristly Slötterhaus and Barglesnart Livingstone faced off against each other, two physical titans, grinning widely as their handfuls of neurons flared apprehensively.

Beginning their first drive, the Meathooks looked once again to their nascent goblin throwing strategy. On this first attempt, however, it was not the troll who was to blame as he had been fed immediately before the game. This time, young Bacon Sandwich's nerves got the better of him and he dropped the ball immediately. The Knights recovered and Cyrano de Baggagerack ran the ball in for the touchdown. The Meathooks tried again on their second possession, and this time the pass itself was made, with Bacon Sandwich soaring through the snow-filled sky, only to pooch the landing and get his tongue stuck to the field. He was quickly set upon by a pair of Knights linemen, and sent scampering towards the sidelines in terror. Meanwhile, Tad Overdrest, human lineman, was cracking heads up on the front line, smashing the popular Stabbo's collarbone and giving the orc physicians a headache of their own as they laboured successfully to repair the damage. Victor Dashing, blitzer for the human squad, spotted Tad in the clear and sailed a short pass to him for an easy run-in.

After halftime, the Meathooks shook the rust off and turned the tables on the Knights, beginning an offensive defense of their own. In a move born of both low cunning and high strategy, black orc T-Boner throttled Barglesnart Livingstone as he lay on the pitch, earning himself a match penalty but removing the ogre from action with lingering, though not serious, pain. With the human line in disarray, Stabbo retrieved the ball and ran it downfield for the touchdown. Never before have we seen someone so grievously injured return immediately to put his mark on a game, and due credit to the orcish medics for patching up what could have been a career-ending injury. The humans weren't ready to deal with the loss of their ogre, and the balance was tipped irrevocably. After catcher Stanley Steele was pushed out of bounds and the ball suspiciously being returned to the orc who sent him packing, Rip Steakface launched the ball to Beef Bigaxe and the green machine thundered down the field for the emphatic touchdown and the last-minute tying score.

The MVPs of the game were Pickles of the Meathooks, and Victor Dashing of the Knights for his clutch pass in the first half, stemming from his knack for getting the ball away from the opponent. Also of note was the explosive play of Tad Overdrest, knocking down anyone standing between him and the endzone and getting a rare slice of glory for the everyday lineman.

Stay tuned for more match results as the Blueriver Wardoves take on the Brutakai Ragefangs later this week!