A Dire Day for Orckind

Greetings sports fiends, and welcome to another MMBBL update! Two games on the pitch last night, and we'll warn you in advance - If you're a fan of all things big, green and mean, this may be a hard report to stomach.

Game one on the card was a battle of two new teams vying to make their way in this cutthroat league. The Smash and Go'nads and the Brutakai Ragefangs met with each other and with destiny. A sunny day, decent attendance slightly favouring the Ragefangs...and the promise of mayhem.

On the opening drive, the Smash and Go'nads went right to work and would not be denied. While the runners made their moves for the ball, troll slayer Gil T. Azell went straight for the opponent's balls and throttled Holo Axegut, the Ragefang thrower. Axegut was sidelined, howling with rage, and will be missing the next match after sustaining what will likely develop into a chronic condition. With the orc line down a man, dwarf blitzer Stu Padasso found runner Dick Gozinia with a low pass, and the plucky Gozinia plowed his way downfield to the endzone. It took them most of the half to accomplish it, but the Smash and Go'nads had their first touchdown of their young careers.

In the second half, the Ragefangs needed a response. They got it, but it proved a costly half for them. En route to a tying score, the orcs were battered and bruised from the waist down as the dwarves did their best to hold the line. Line dwarf Herb Eaverstinks brought down Vradak Facechewer with a bone-grinding tackle, relieving him of his footing, lunch, and ability to continue playing. Still, the orc offense pressed on. Seeing a need for more drastic defensive measures, Stu Padasso ran down Prok Fleshdrinker with a sickening crunch. Good sportsmanship being what it is, he took the orc lineman's hand to help him up after the play, but came up with not much past the elbow. The stretcher team arrived, though Fleshdrinker was eventually removed in a series of buckets. Still, the Ragefangs would not be denied! Out of the chaos strode blitzer Raziek Bloodrage, smashing the ball into the turf as he crossed the goal line, roaring to the sky at the top of his lungs.

With little time left, the teams faced off again, and it can only be assumed that the fans were unhappy with the idea of a tie game. From out of the stands an extra-large popcorn bucket, suspiciously filled with what appeared to be quick-dry cement, caught Kodish Manhammer of the Ragefangs square in the back of the head and put him into the dirt for a short nap. With little else to do but execute rudimentary passing plays, the game ended in a 1-1 draw.

The matches MVP awards were given to Gil T. Azell for his particularly brutal play, and to Raziek Bloodrage for the exceptional catch and subsequent touchdown run. After the match, much to everyone's surprise (including his own) Prok Fleshdrinker emerged from the Ragefangs' infirmary, not in buckets but under his own power. Medically dead for more than an hour, the team doctor thoroughly stumped as to how to proceed, someone apparently stumbled upon a combination of tenth grade metal shop and bizarre necrosurgery. The result rejoined his teammates, now larger, tougher, and as far as we know, still essentially the orc he was before being reduced to a chaos team's take-out dinner. It seems that even in the world of Blood Bowl, death can give way to some sort of renewal.

On now to the second game of the night, where the Dusk Hill Dirt Bursters and the Meathooks would rekindle the carnage they wrought back in the Dungeonbowl championship. The weather was favourable, the stands were full with fans of both squads, but for the Meathooks, the sausage would prove to be packed with dismay.

The Dirt Bursters won the opening coin toss, and set to work to open the scoring. Not all of the undead players are built for the scoring game, though, and the terrifying Magut made no mistake of adding to his league-leading casualty count as he showed the herculean T-Boner the way to the hospital, putting the large orc out of commission for the immediate future. The worst was yet to come for the Meathooks, however, and one of their rising stars would pay the price.

Stumps O'Boggy, a hard-working yet seldom-acknowledged blue collar zombie, could not have known when he shook off the grave dust this morning that one of the most defining games of his career lay before him. Whether driven by personal desire, inspired by teammate Magut's brutal trailblazing, or simply a bit hungry, O'Boggy positively obliterated orc blitzer Stabbo, killing the skilled player outright. The blow to the Meathooks would prove costly, and the undead may have sensed that the game was theirs already. A great moan rose up from the undead fans as the league's most electrifying ambassador of awesome leaped through the fray and scrambled in for the touchdown. It seems, folks, that if you can't stop the O.T.B., then you can't stop the Dirt Bursters.

While the next drive was being prepared, the rumblings from the fans became progressively louder, with fights beginning to break out among the bleachers. Eventually it boiled over, and the legions of Meathooks faithful charged down to exact revenge upon the hated Dirt Bursters, even as the undead horde crashed through the barricades to slaughter the reviled orcish squad. Their charge dissipated, however, when they realized just how big their targets were. After only a couple of players were knocked down by momentum alone, the fans were quickly scared off by the mountains of orc flesh and monoliths of rot and bone, and the game resumed after cleaning the field of assorted body parts.

The rest of the first half was an awkward time for the Meathooks, and they seemed lost with their big linemate crippled and their most skilled blitzer dead. Several passes were attempted by both sides, but in every case, the receiver was hounded and the ball stripped from him. Several miscues by Meathooks thrower Pickles resulted in poor positioning, and the aforementioned Stumps O'Boggy sent orc blocker Grunt Skunchman packing, in the same boat as his teammate T-Boner. Before the halftime whistle blew, though, the Dirt Bursters would take advantage of the faltering Meathooks line and Ned Gummers rolled in for a second score.

The air of depression that rose from the orcish fans was tangible as the second half started, and it didn't help that the temperature had risen noticeably. The Meathooks would make a game of it in the end, though, and in one hell of an exciting fashion. A favourable kick and excellent blocking at the start of their drive saw another attempt at what had eluded the Meathooks for so long - a successful goblin throw. The foolhardy Hammish got the handoff and soon thereafter, Gristly the troll sent him soaring through the evening sky. The crowd gasped with anticipation - would he land on his feet? on his head? And then down he came, hitting the ground running as fast as those scrawny legs could go, right into the end zone. The uproar from the crowd was deafening, and for one shining moment, Hammish the goblin was the tallest player on the pitch.

Little time remained, and if the Meathooks were to salvage a tie, they'd have to make gold out of the leaden spirits of their squad. A gap was almost exposed, and Bacon Sandwich strove to emulate his fellow goblin's success, but he was dumped into the stands and prevented from finishing the game. Pouncing on the loose ball, Ned Gummers was off like a rocket, shambling into the end zone and ending the Meathooks' hopes. The final score, 3-1 for the undead.

As the game concluded, to the horror of the Meathooks and their fans, Stabbo got up. Wordlessly he staggered across the field and joined the Dirt Bursters as a zombie. Not all players' stories end in glory...some fade into anonymity as their bright stars fall and are extinguished. Standing alongside the very zombie who killed him, Stabbo was a Meathook no longer.

MVPs of the match were awarded to Grunt Skunchman of the Meathooks, despite his injury, and to Lez White of the Dirt Bursters, who showed remarkable awareness on the line in the defense of his teammates. For the first time, the undead roster is full, and for the first time since their creation, the Meathooks must search out another blitzer to fill the gap that Stabbo left in passing. We at MMBBL salute those lost tonight, even though they're actually still playing anyway. Goodnight, and we'll see you next time, as the Fly-by Knights and the Smash and Go'nads are slated to square off on Sunday!