Our second game out of Bloodbath division saw the diminutive yet determined Pancake Valley Shortstacks test their mettle against the rowdy Asgard Raiders. It's pots and pans versus looting and pillaging. Midgets and mayhem, at the Frying Pan!
There was no doubt about the atmosphere in this game. From early dawn it had rained, through breakfast, brunch, lunch, teatime, dinner and supper, leaving the Frying Pan a soggy, muddy mess for the match. Even as the teams took to the pitch, the rain kept coming. Winning the coin toss, the Shortstacks chose to receive first, and lined up behind their formidable treemen, Barkley Hobbittosser and Mr. Tree (who were quite invigourated by all the precipitation) as the Asgard Raiders took their defensive positions. The halflings looked ready to start. but the norsemen were even readier - blitzing across midfield, the defense stormed their tiny opponents. Still, Fatty "Fatty" Fat Fat of the Shortstacks managed to get ahold of the ball and make his way to Barkley Hobbittosser, and the treeman hurled the little fellow downfield where he landed expertly.
The downfall of the halfling playbook is usually their lack of mobility, and this came to the fore early on. Egil Stoneheart throttled Dip Deadweight, tossing him off to the sidelines after rendering him unconscious and out of service. Further down the field, Tyr Warriov caught up with the trundling Fatty, knocked him down with an overhand smash, and recovered the ball in one swift motion. Looking to correct the problem, Hobbittosser picked up the nearest teammate - this time Sloth Lovechunk - and pitched him downfield to help recover the ball. Unfortunately, Lovechunk didn't land well and was a bit dazed. Standing up to get back that which was taken from him, Fatty Fat Fat was dumped into the stands by Norse thrower Egor Longrow, and landed roughly on a sausage cart which robbed him of his consciousness. Now Mr. Tree was joining the game of halfling lawn darts, hurling Cam Sizzlespam into coverage, this one landing much more smoothly.
Getting his bearings, Sloth Lovechunk dodged nimbly out from under his would-be assailants and laid a blitz on the unsuspecting Ingdor Hamerzeit. Fortunately for Hamerzeit, not much suspicion is needed to fend off a halfling attack, and Lovechunk was dumped on his bottom and left too bruised to continue playing. Apparently taken by a bout of maddened rage, Hamerzeit followed up by crippling Pip Pieface with an inspired body slam. The landing fractured Pieface's skull, but proper care from the team doctors led him safely back to his senses.
The airborne defense persisted for the Shortstacks, as Flapjack Porkbelly was lobbed skyward, only to land abruptly on his back. The norsemen continued to clear a path for Tyr Warriov, with Egil Stoneheart leading the charge and trampling Tub Trollfodder underfoot. As Trollfodder was removed from the pitch, no one noticed as Gunnvor Odinson hit a downed Cream Sugarfoot with a hip drop, knocking the halfling out and eliminating the last line of defense. Tyr Warriov strode into the end zone and howled madly at the fans, scaring most of them out of the first few rows of seating.
With the next kickoff came renewed encouragement from the halfling fans, yelling their support for the hometown crowd. Inspired by this show of support, Jiff Jellyroll deftly picked up the ball and made a handoff to Fiddley Diddlebottom, who buckled up and prepared to ride the catapult arm of Barkley Hobbittosser. The treeman's aim was true, and Diddlebottom landed softly, breaking into a run for the end zone! Using every ounce of energy in his squat little legs, Diddlebottom surged to the end zone...and tripped on an errant bagel dropped earlier by one of his teammates. The stadium groaned collectively, and the Raiders fell back to retrieve the lost ball. Egor Longrow was first on the spot, but couldn't get a grip on the rain-slick football, and it squirted free once more. With time running down, the Shortstacks turned once again to desperate measures. Mr. Tree attempted to chuck Dunk Dillweed downfield to recover the ball, but fumbled the halfling, dropping him waist-deep into the mud. The norsemen had no time for another score before halftime, but as Egor Longrow finally got the ball in his hands, he managed a shovel pass to Ingdor Hamerzeit. Hamerzeit, still foaming from his previous frenzy, moved immediately to the fallen Fiddley Diddlebottom and kicked him squarely in the pastries, earning himself a match penalty. Going into halftime, the score remained 1-0 for the Asgard Raiders.
Down by a score, the Shortstacks kicked to the Raiders after the intermission. The kick was high and shallow, but the fielding attempt by Kari Quickstride was not effective. Seizing the opportunity, the Shortstacks were led by Barkley Hobbittosser in an effort to cross midfield. The hulking treeman clobbered the hapless Quickstride, putting the runner out of the game with a bad case of magical splinters. Dunk Dillweed then attempted to pick up the loose ball, only to fumble in the driving rain. The football bounced away, and it was scooped up by none other than Hobbittosser himself! With the significance of this event sweeping through him like an Autumn breeze, the lumbering treeman began his slog downfield, pausing momentarily to pitch the aforementioned Dunk Dillweed downfield.
The Norse were not about to let a vegetable get the best of them, and ganged up on Hobbittosser quickly. Working together, nearly a half-dozen surly vikings managed to fell the mighty treeman, and the ball once more fell free. Unable to pick it up handily, the Raiders did the next best thing - eliminate anyone else who might try to pick it up. First, Gunnvor Odinson clubbed Dunk Dillweed with his own helmet, leaving the halfling to stumble off to the infirmary. Then, Ymir Keldsvide put the hurt on Pip Pieface, who had already been brutally accosted once this match, and who folded like a napkin under this latest assault. To make matters worse for the Shortstacks, Mr. Tree found himself rooted in the middle of the pitch, unable to resist the promise of fresh rain in his roots any longer. Frustrated but full of vigour, he brought a brutal branch down on the Raiders' journeyman blocker and was called for the foul. With just such an eventuality in mind, a squadron of elite gardeners was called in to uproot and transplant Mr. Tree into a comfortably moist penalty field.
The hits kept coming as Tyr Warriov landed a heavy blow to the back of Fiddley Diddlebottom, leaving the little fellow with a more long-term injury than one would have liked. Immediately thereafter, Egil Stoneheart gave Cream Sugarfoot the boot, getting caught in the act but looking very satisfied with his three-casualty performance. With the halfling resistance dwindling, Egor Longrow got hold of the ball and began the march downfield. Now immobile himself but no less angry, Barkley Hobbittosser threw a crushing punch-block at the hapless Norse journeyman, taking the player's head clean off and sending it soaring into the upper deck. At last, the hometown crowd had something to cheer about, and Hobbittosser was given a standing ovation as the field staff dragged away what remained of the unlucky norseman. Still, Egor Longrow was left untouched in his march to the end zone, and the second Raiders touchdown essentially sealed the victory for the violent vikings.
Little time remained, but the halflings lined up bravely (what was left of them, anyway) for a final drive. Bizarrely, the Raiders seemed unwilling to put up any resistance, and in fact most of them were completely in the bag from premature victory ale. The kick was terrible to say the least, and the resulting touchback put the ball in the hands of Fatty Fat Fat. Hobbittosser picked the halfling up and pitched him forward, and he landed smoothly enough for a guy whose waistband was wider than he was tall. Huffing, puffing, sweating like a pig in a sauna, Fatty trundled towards the end zone, and the Raiders actually cheered the little fellow on...until he tripped over that suspicious bagel! A confused, angry halfling crowd pelted the field with buns and donuts in protest, which the Shortstacks collected and devoured as the Raiders went to the locker room cheering and singing despite the ringing of strudels against their helmets. The final score was two to nothing.
MVPs of this match were Gunnvor Odinson, who led his fellow linemates in a display of fearless defiance, and Pip Pieface, presumably for demonstrating the resilience of a cockroach. Also notable were Eirik Runeval's defensive guarding and Barkley Hobbittosser's knack for knocking things over and having them stay "over."
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