The Razor Hill Spinebreakers threw down a challenge to the Pancake Valley Shortstacks this weekend, daring the halflings to meet them in their home venue of Dragon Spine Arena. The halflings gleefully accepted, eager to sample the orcish cuisine known as "knuckle sandwiches". Either someone never told them what that means, or there were going to be some orcs with very sore hands.
The crowd was nearly evenly split by numbers, but the orc fans out-massed the halfling supporters by at least three or four times. Kicking off first, the halflings' lazy, high kick was fielded easily by Kiro Stormaxe, who set off immediately down the field. Orc strategy would depend largely on avoiding the Shortstacks' two enormous treemen. Brakgul Bloodsnarl missed that memo apparently, and simply took it upon himself to knock one of them over. Mr. Tree hit the dirt with a thunderous crash, but was unharmed. The pitch, however, had been given a sizable groove. Barkley Hobbittosser, the other massive treeman, responded with his usual wooden displeasure, slapping Spinebreakers' troll Zor Loneblow to the ground.
The Shortstacks, battle-ready but not completely foolhardy, drew themselves back, dodging nimbly away from the onrushing orcs, playing their style of zone defense to compensate for their small stature. Kiro Stormaxe saw the opening this created, but it was part of the plan for the halflings. No sooner than had Stormaxe made his cut out to the sideline, Fatty "Fatty" Fat Fat came rolling through (no, seriously, he was not running) and shoved Stormaxe down under his ominous rolls. The ball squirted free into the crowd, and was nearly grabbed up by Pimpley Backfat.
Kiro Stormaxe, having shoved the bulbous Fat Fat aside, regained his footing and hunted for the loose ball. unable to pick it up cleanly, it bounced through the melee until blitzer Galthuk Battlewail managed to get ahold of it. In defense, Barkley Hobbittosser hurled an unsuspecting Jiff Jellyroll into coverage to stop him, but the halfling landed unconscious and was merely a speed bump on Battlewail's journey. Meanwhile, the path stayed relatively clear as the orc blockers, led by Kolark Bonefist, kept Mr. Tree on his stump indefinitely. Godan Rockmaul joined Kiro Stormaxe in blazing a path, and Galthuk Battlewail followed them up, joining his fellow blitzers in the end zone for a bit of a dance. The crowd went wild as the Orky Shuffle was born.
On defense now, the orcs kept to their game plan. The halflings looked for their quick tossing play to earn them a tying score, but when Mr. Tree lobbed Fatty Fat Fat skyward, the rotund fellow landed with as much grace as an ogre belly-flopping into a slaughterhouse. Zor Loneblow crashed once more into Mr. Tree, and both giants fell to the ground, though the treeman got the worst of it. as time ticked away, the Spinebreakers made every attempt to make life miserable for every halfling within arm's reach. Soran Steelfury brought his elbow down on Cam Sizzlespam, leaving him mangled and in need of some serious recuperation time.
With he ball unguarded, Gan'rul Bloodeye made his grab for it, but upon picking a target, bobbled the ball before he could get it away. In a last-ditch effort, Hobbittosser hurled the closest halfling available, Cream Sugarfoot, towards the ball, but the halfling stumbled trying to reach it. Time expired in the first half and the Razor Hill Spinebreakers held the lead going into the second half.
The halflings seemed all business upon their return to the field of play, but even their steely gazes earned them scorn from the loud, rowdy orc fans. To make matters worse, once the kick was put into play by the Spinebreakers, Douche Baggins was clocked with a well-placed stone from somewhere in the crowd. This angered the mighty Hobbittosser, and his first course of action was to knock out Brakgul Bloodsnarl with a swat of his massive arm that sent the blocker hurtling directly into the infirmary to sleep it off. In the confusion, Douche Baggins had managed to right himself and made a run for the end zone with the ball. Soran Steelfury was on him in a heartbeat, however, and Baggins was clobbered soundly, needing to be dragged off by the coaching staff.
Barkley Hobbittosser seemed content to keep up his strategy of hurling halflings headlong into harm's way, but his sweaty, terrified teammates quickly became too slippery to get a good grip on. Tumbling from his grip as if they had been secreting butter from every pore, Hobbittosser had to look for drier projectiles or simply resort to smashing things first-hand. Halfling #7, Dip Deadweight, got ahold of the football, but was laid out by the big fist of Godan Rockmaul, who retrieved the ball and started downfield. The hits kept coming as Borgosh Hellrage joined the charge, putting Cream Sugarfoot on his backside and doing his bes to keep pace with Steelfury, who knocked out Tub Trollfodder and kept going.
Finally, Hobbittosser was able to get a grip on a halfling, and hurled a dazed Flapjack Porkbelly into coverage. Desperately needing a stop, Sloth Lovechunk dashed in, vaulted over his fallen comrade, and punched Soran Steelfury square in the nose! Steelfury lost his grip on the ball, and Lovechunk gathered it up and pitched it as far downfield as he could. There waiting, however, was Gan'rul Bloodeye. After bobbling the ball yet again, it seemed there might be a chance for the halflings, but Dip Deadweight, on whom all hope was riding, tripped over the foot of the orc he was escaping from and fell head-first onto a discarded armour spike, reducing him to brain-kabobs. Finally getting his act together, and perhaps inspired by this recent gruesome development, Bloodeye tossed the ball to Kiro Stormaxe in the open, and Stormaxe ran unhindered into the end zone just as time expired. The final score - two to nothing for the Razor Hill Spinebreakers.
The match MVP awards for this game went to Cream Sugarfoot of the Shortstacks, and Soran Steelfury of the Spinebreakers, who played very strongly, keeping the opponent at a distance while running through coverage. Also notable were fellow blitzers Godan Rockmaul and Galthuk Battlewail, who were twin pinnacles of defense throughout the match. With role models like Beef Bigaxe and Raziek Bloodrage to look up to, is it any wonder that these orcs are rushing headlong towards greatness?
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